Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

- Chapter I - 

Thoughts 

« - If I shoot you right now, are we still gonna be friends afterwards? 

- We were never friends» 

Pomni was still reviewing that whole argument with Jax in her mind. For the thousandth time. For the freaking thousandth time. 

Having anxiety was really tough. 

Always has been and always will. And unfortunately, Pomni knew it. But, as much as they told her to be stronger and to “not think too much”, it has always been much easier to speak than to do. Afterall, not even she was capable of controlling her own thoughts. Not before the circus, when she was still an accountant, nor even after arriving at that place without rhyme or reason. 

And now, because of the mo[bloink]ng anxiety, that moment did not stop repeating over and over on her memory. 

Specially those lines of speach he had said. They were choreographed, as if for a series or something alike. She knew it. 

She had sensed it. The eyes that disassociated from the reality upfront him, the comment made faster than it should have been, the attempt of taking it as a joke after the damage had been done. It was all a mask. 

And that face asking for help on the end, when he stepped away and got ready to go to the rewards show. It said it all. 

And she knew. 

Somehow, she knew a bit too well what it was like trying to hide fears and anxieties from others. 

“Don’t be so childish! That's nothing!” 

“Don’t overthink it, it’s nothing much!” 

“You must want attention. Don't start another of your scenes” 

“Toughen up and go on, don’t despair over something so silly” 

All comments she had heard over her life. And, because of them, she knew what it was like trying to create a mask; something comfortable where she could hide whatever her head said. 

But, for some reason, right now she was unable to create such mask; not even filtering what came from Jax’s. 

Maybe, yes, she figured that those comments weren’t true t what the rabbit really thought; however, that annoying little voice that screams low on anyone’s anxious mind, spoke louder. 

He's right, you should not have let yourself get carried away. 

Why did you think you could change him? What a stupid idea! 

You just can’t truly trust anyone in here; everyone is a character fulfilling with their roles. 

S[bloink]t 

The thoughts got worse day by day. The adventures could distract, but seeing Jax openly ignore her only made her doubt herself even more. 

Who would ever wanna have you as a friend, if you can’t even elevate your own state of mind? 

She was stretched out in her room. Not even laid down on her bed, but rather on the floor, surrounded by pillows, as if in a try of a fort like Kinger’s. Somehow, it was more comfortable, and seemed like an attempt of calming down. 

But the thoughts didn’t stop. And to worsen the situation, even wilder thoughts came to her mind. 

Even because they were in a world where anything (except for swearing) was possible. As long as she didn’t let herself get abstracted... 

Abstraction. 

What an event so... chilling. 

But it felt as if she was about to fall on that pit at any moment, ever since she arrived that bloody circus. 

Although, something crossed her mind. 

If she... got severely injured by accident on an adventure... or even... died... nothing would happen to her, per say. That is, ignoring the trauma from the experience and the phantom pain that it could cause the following days. It had already happened to her before, during some of the adventures... was not, at all, the same as abstraction. 

Why? Why were those thoughts coming to her now? She had already been able to surpass them before. Then why was it becoming harder right now? 

Pomni tried hugging one of her pillows. She remembered having some plushies on her bed, that helped her cope with anxiety at night; but she was way too nervous and shy to ask Caine for one single plushie. Though she had, more than once, made a mental note on how she had to try it. 

Especially since, although she tried not to think about it, the pillow did not help her as much... 

At some point, she got up, and walked, not watching where she was going. 

The body walked alone, and she did not have the mental strength to stop it.  

She got to a yellow chest with two drawers, one blue and the other red. She opened the red one, and took out a revolver. Nothing special, not even with much ammunition; two bullets, in fact. 

It was from the adventure with guns. Not even she knew how she still had it kept; she thought it was going to disappear after the end of the adventure. Mas, even after days, it was still there. 

It was shiny on her gloved hands. Almost... tempting. 

It was then that Caine’s voice echoed through the whole building. 

- Good morning, my shooting stars! I want you all on the main hall for one more greeeeeaaaaaaat adventureeeeee! Hurry up, before I use the snap thingy! 

Pomni was brought back to reality. 

She sighed and left the room, leaving everything as it was. 

Except the gun. That went with her, hidden on her jester hat. 

Chapter Text

- Chapter II - 

Wanderings 

Jax was wandering around the circus. Aimlessly, no destiny, no sense. 

Only regrets. 

Desperate and heart-wrenching thoughts. 

Why did I have to chase away the only one ready to hold me on? 

How do ya know she really wanted to be your friend? 

Afterall, everyone in here is just a character from a game. 

Everyone gets to a point where they don’t care about anything other than themselves. Why would she be any different? 

You saw what happened to the others, to him. 

Jax felt a shiver running down his spine and hugged himself, verifying that there was no one around. 

He did not need anyone to see him in such a vulnerable state; afterall, he also needed to keep the “funny” one facet. He had to keep that mask, at least for a while longer. 

He could not allow to let himself get carried away by those thoughts. Just had to accept, put on a smile on his face – didn’t have to be a real one – and keep on going with his day as if it was nothing. 

The circus seemed empty, although it could also be because he was so immersed in his thoughts. 

Every colored door leading to unfinished rooms, every wall paterned with bright colors, all the icons with faces of mannequins and characters that were never the same. Everything seemed as if it looked through the filters, the mask the rabbit tried to put on. It was as if everything and everyone was judging him for whatever he had or not done; for whatever he could or could not be thinking. He just wanted to escape such thoughts, but it wasn’t safe to return to the cave that was his room: e feared that, if he retreated into his burrow, if he isolated himself, he’d fall into a temptation with no coming back. 

But then, maybe it wasn’t as bad; who’d ever come look for the jerk that pranks every single one? 

No, no, no. 

I cannot get my bearings there. Afterall, I need to keep the appearances. 

While on his wondering, Jax walked through the corridor where was Zooble’s room. Zooble’s, and theirs. Kaufmo... who abstracted the day the little jester arrived. And... him... 

Jax paralyzed in the middle of the corridor. The last time he stopped there was on the day of the guns adventure. 

The day... in which his candle of hope practically extinguished. At least, he was almost sure she was not going to accept his friendship back, not even if he pleaded. 

Why would he ever do such a thing? Never on earth! 

Much less after... him. 

So that, unlike what had happened to him before, he would not end up in a non-communicative state, the purple rabbit had to force himself to have the strength to move on. 

It was then when Caine’s voice echoed through the circus calling for a new adventure. 

At least, he had now a new excuse to leave that place. Besides, he did not want to answer any questions from Zooble, afraid that the mask could unexpectedly fall. 

As he walked past the corridor where his own room was, he saw Pomni leave the door right in front of his. Of course, the rooms were opposite to each other. 

The jester didn’t even see him. She just looked ahead. Although, there seemed to be something strange. It was like she wasn’t looking to where she was going, purely walking on muscular memory. 

That's what it seemed to Jax, at least, who had already had situations alike, about which he’d never talk about to anyone besides his own pillow. 

He simply shrugged and kept going his way, keeping a certain distance from the girl. 

Chapter Text

- chapter III -  

Adventure 

- Hello, my shooting stars! I hope you’re all rested and ready for a new great adventuuuureeeeee! 

Caine floated around, doing somersaults and spinning through mid-air, his eyes fixed on one of those somersaults, looking at the toys on the floor. Bubble, floating beside him, just smiled and waved. 

The whole group was there. Ragatha and Kinger besides each other, Gangle and Zooble also side by side, the second one with a completely displeased look. Of course they didn’t want to be there but didn’t want to be teleported by Caine either. Jax was at one end, arms crossed behind his head. Now Pomni, was in the middle of the group, isolated behind, attentive and, simultaneously, far from everything. 

The rabbit noticed the jester with puzzlement. There was something odd with her. Not like he cared to know. And even if he did, he’d never show that in front of so many people. 

Still, he noted on the corner of his mind he’d watch over Pomni through the corner of his eye during the adventure. 

- Today’s adventure is... - a drum roll could be heard – Labyrinth of the Lost and Dreaded! 

Colored little letters in disformed fonts appeared synchronically, as the ring master said the name. 

- Heh, sounds stupid – outlined Jax, with his usual smug. 

- For once, I agree with you – sighed Zooble. 

Caine completely ignored his players notes. 

- Your objective is to get to the center of the labyrinth, take one of these statuettes – he showed a golden figurine that looked like an oscar, but with the looks of Caine himself holding a Bubble – and get to the exit. But caution! The labyrinth is fiiiiiilleeeeed with traps and unexpected tricks! You can encounter a pebble on your way, or your biggest fear! It's all a matter of luck (UwU) 

Zooble started do complain in whispers, to which the denture with eyes responded with a bug and bipolar behavior, starting with complains and ending with something like “every review is valid, from the best one to the worst one”. Just one more thing starting to become common lately. Gangle's mask cracked and everyone, except Kinger, took a step back. I mean, minus Kinger and Pomni, who still had a faraway look on her eyes. 

What’s wrong with her? 

Hold on, why the heck am I worrying so much? 

Caine, not leaving any space for argument, simply opened a portal and shoved them all inside. 

They fell in pyramid, inside a depressing yellowish cubicle. Gangle's mask broke on the process. One more time to the list. 

- Ugh, what’s with Caine just shoving us in here? Does he want to send us to h[bloink]l or what? 

The way ahead divided in three corridors. The three of them had the same gross shade of yellow, the same depressing light, the same mysterous and uninviting aura. Were not for the silently imposed by Caine “obligation” to accomplish the mission, or the use of it as a way of distraction to prevent insanity, no one would ever risk themselves through those paths. 

Jax was the first to move forward, not caring much about the rest. 

- I don’t know what ya wanna do, but I'll go this way. See ya, nerds! 

Zooble, with their short temper, answered him immediately, not saving their sailor tong: 

- Jax, go f[bloink]k yourself, you b[bloink]ch! 

- Whatever you want, Zoobbie – the rabbit could be faintly heard, already distant on the rightmost corridor. 

Gangle held herself in Zooble’s arm, calming them down. 

On the other hand, Pomni, who was not paying attention to anything around her, was brought back to reality by Ragatha’s third call. 

- Hey, Pomni... everything’s alright? 

- Ugh... - no, it wasn’t. But she wasn’t going to say it out loud; she did not wanna make a scene, nor look like she sought attention. Instead, she proceeded with a faint lost smile – yeah, sure. Sorry, what where you saying...? 

Maybe the ragdoll believed, or maybe she wasn’t much convinced and chose to ignore it. Whatever it was, she didn’t demarcate any weirdness on the smaller one and just kept going with her invite: 

- I was going to ask if you wanted to come with me and Kinger. Knowing Caine, it’s not a good idea to get separated on this kind of adventures. 

Pomni accepted, hesitant. 

Actually, she didn’t want any company. On the other hand, she didn’t want to be alone with her thoughts. 

What a bloody antithesis. 

At least, Ragatha still hadn’t commented on the little anxious ticks she was starting to show – disassociation, distant thoughts and look, slight tremors on the fingers. Hopefully, she wouldn’t say anything at all. 

It was just one more time, like many others, that was going to pass, without her having to say anything to anyone. 

No one would have to worry; no one would have to carry her burden. 

She didn’t want attention; didn’t want to make a scene. Just wished for that voice to shut up and that the consequent headache would relieve. That'd be more than enough. And for that, the jester would only have to try and get distracted with that new adventure, accompanied by someone who’d protect her from her fears’ ilusion. 

So, she followed, along with Ragatha and Kinger, along the corridor in the middle, leaving the last pair with the one on the left. 

Chapter Text

- Chapter IV - 

Fears 

Not even twenty minutes had passed and Pomni was already apart from her little group. 

At least it seemed to have been around twenty minutes. Or had it been more? Or even less? It was hard telling how long had been in that bloody digital utopia. 

What she knew for sure, was that Kinger started suddenly running around and Ragatha sped up behind him. As much as the little one tried to keep up with the both of them, her little legs didn’t let her, and falling over a strange pebble that seemed as if it was meticulously and deliberately located on the ground only delayed her more. It was then when she got to a junction with several exits. 

It was official, she was lost. 

Lost and alone, with her thoughts. 

It's ok, I just can’t overthink it... 

Once more, easier said (or thought) than done. 

To each step she took, each sigh, it felt as if the corridors were getting narrower and narrower, and darker than what they already were. 

To each dead end that made her walk back, the fear of being trapped increased. 

Not like she had claustrophobia or something like that. Quite the contrary, she had the habit of hiding in small spaces to take refuge from everything that made her anxious. That, and exploring abandoned places. It was mild thrill that made her day better and that took her away from the world she had to face on a daily basis. 

But, as ironic as it may sound, not even in those empty and possibly hunted places, had she ever felt the fear she was feeling this moment. The sensation of possibly being smashed by those gross walls; the idea that the way she was taking didn’t have a way out; the fear of having the worst of her thoughts around the corner, ready to jumpscare her. It was all too much than what her head, now a white ball with a digital hair and a face that should not belong to her, could handle. 

Pomni proceeded with caution, hugging herself and massaging circles on her arm. 

Each step made the floor creak, even it wasn’t made out of wood. No questions. 

Each time she moved forward, weirdly familiar voices could be heard, which she wasn’t sure if everyone heard, if it was from the labyrinth or just her head. 

Then, on a corner, she saw a shadow. Besides an anthropomorphic form, there were no details that could define or identify it; but, for some reason, Pomni felt a terrible fear when she saw it, as if it was part of a memory she could not reach. 

The shadow lifted its hand angrily: 

- You idiot! You never do anything right! 

Traumatizing angry words echoed. Words that seemed way too close to some sort of experience she had lived, but to which she couldn’t get. 

Although, even if those memories were out of her reach, inconclusive flashbacks appeared along with the increasing shadows. 

Flashbacks of traumas, bad experiences, words that should never be said not even to the worst of the villains. 

Starting to despair, the jester ran, ran and ran. She ran the maximum her little legs allowed. But the voices only increased. 

Why the hell did she have to be there alone? Where the f[bloink]k where the others? 

Without noticing, on a corner, the voices shifted. They weren’t the fears from the past that affected her present, but fears from the present that could affect her future. 

She slipped, almost going against a wall. This one had the reflex of a dream she herself had had slightly after her arriving. On the end of a tunnel, Caine, Jax and Ragatha’s shadows. 

- Looks like our new friend’s already abstracted 

- Well, I guess we’re not all cut out for it 

- I don’t even remember her name, honestly 

No, no, NO! NOT this nightmare again! 

Pomni started running again, demanding the utmost of her legs. The three voices echoed through the corridors behind her, devilish laughs and comments she didn’t want to hear again, not now, not ever. 

But a wall was once again in her way. 

F[bloink]k 

Where is the freaking central room?! 

A Jax shadow placed itself beside her, white eyes with a strange expression. 

- Wassup, wussy? Afraid of your own shadow? Ahaha, then it doesn’t surprise me you’d fallen on my mask – the shadow’s smile became more and more threatening. 

Without thinking, Pomni rapidly took the revolver from inside her hat and pointed it to the Jax’s copy in front of her. 

It was an incredibly identical copy – besides the fact of being a black and white shadow. Its smile recalled her of the one he used during their argument. 

The shadow lifted his hand on a false fear. 

- Oh no! The scaredy jester is armed! Careful with her! - he said ironically. 

She pressed the trigger. 

She’d be able to do it. If the last time she did, grating the team’s victory, she should be able to do it now too... 

But... fear took the best of her. 

Last time, she was confident. Was happy, having fun on that strange adventure. 

But now, she was terrified; anxious with her mind rushing. 

Because of that, the shot wasn’t accurate; it missed by a hair. It would have hit the cheek, hadn’t the shadow swiftly tilted. 

The fake rabbit laughed maliciously. 

- Ahaha, seems like your aim isn’t as good as you thought, and now there’s only one bullet left! What will you do? - the shadow moved within seconds from the place where it was to the wall right behind the girl – are you gonna try to miss again, or are you gonna do what should have already been done a long time ago? 

She turned, the pistol pointed to the place where the shadow was, but it disappeared, leaving only a trail of laughter. 

Pomni was despairing. A million thoughts on her head, fears taking her in. She could almost feel her insides start bugging. The accelerating breathing, the chest going up and down urgently, the eyes losing focus, the members trembling with the hands insisting on holding the gun with all the strength left. 

On the middle of such situation, she was caught off guard when someone spoke behind her. This time, however, was the real one; not a shadow nor a nightmare, as much as the jester, that moment, couldn’t distinguish. 

- Pom?