Archive of Our Own ^beta

Collie knew he wouldn’t make it. The least he could do was go out on his own terms.

They had taken his land. They had taken his culture. They would not take his life.

He knew his act of rebellion would fail, but at least he would go out doing something that fucking mattered. He had killed a man for the first time in his life and it was both easy and terrifying. Rage and exhaustion had dulled his senses, watching them kill so many of the other boys. They no longer looked like people to him. People shouldn’t behave like this.

It wasn’t the act of shooting a man that crushed him, but that moment afterward when he realized with full force the weight of what he had done. To wield a power so absolute that you could decide who lives or dies. How did the guards endure it? Even if it gave them nightmares, they still raised their guns and fired each time.

Before they could fire their guns at him, he took the gun and aimed it at himself. Strangely, he felt no pain. No pain would be stronger than what he had endured during the Walk.
He died with his people’s song on his lips.

I’m coming home.

*

He woke up sitting on the ground. Around him, people laughed - all the boys he didn’t have enough time to get to know. Someone was crying. Barkovich was trying and failing with his attempt at a joke.

Around him were all these sounds, but he couldn’t focus on anything, too shocked and confused. What was happening?

He remembered the gunshot. He remembered dying. He had died, he was sure of it. How was this possible? Was this his life rewinding itself, some montage before his death? But it didn’t feel like a memory. It looked so real. He was there.

Then, the guards barked their orders. The Major gave his speech. And the Walk began, exactly like it did before.

What the fuck? His feet didn’t hurt, his body felt fresh, strong, like it did at the beginning.

If it wasn’t real, why should he obey them? And if it was real, what is the worst thing they could do? Kill him?

He ignored the shouting around him and walked up to one of the guards. Before the guard could do anything, he drew back his fist and smashed it into the guard’s face. He took the rifle off the second guard, turned it, and fired. Killing was getting easier with each life he took. Maybe that was how they were able to do it as their job. It just took some practice.

A third guard pressed a gun to the back of his head.

The last thing he saw before the bullet hit his skull was Barkovitch, his hands raised to the sky, as if applauding him. Then, darkness.

*

He opened his eyes to see the exact scene from an hour ago. This was some bullshit. Maybe he really died and this was hell. Reliving his last days in a loop, days that have been the worst ones in his life.

‘A meemaw in the bowl in the morning, man.’

He was definitely in hell.

This time, Collie felt generous towards Barkovitch. After all, Barkovitch’s face had been the last friendly one he had seen before dying a minute ago. And he really wasn’t in the mood to hear everyone’s jabs at Barkovitch just because of a one lame joke. ‘What the fuck’s a—‘ He heard Olson starting to say, but he interrupted him.

‘Collie Parker.' He said, extending his hand to McVries, Garraty and then Barkovitch.

‘Call me Ray.' Garraty replied. ‘Wanna stick together for a while? Harkness, the guy with the glasses, says boredom is what takes most people out first. So sticking together’s probably smart.’

‘Barkovitch, you in?’ Collie asked. He didn’t expect the smile that spread across Gary’s face. Had he ever smiled in such a genuine, almost grateful way? Collie couldn’t remember, but he would bet that he didn’t. The look in his eyes also didn’t match his whole personality, there was no mockery in it, no venom.

‘Fuck yeah, big guy. Let’s fucking rock this motherfucker.’ He might have been a bit too excited.

Parker noticed that the others exchanged a look that seemed to be a silent Are we really sure about this guy? McVries shrugged his shoulders in reply.

Barkovitch noticed the looks as well. His whole demeanor changed. The light drained from his eyes. He folded in on himself, hands tugging at his hair. Too hard, Collie thought.
This was the Barkovitch he remembered.

That one interaction with Garraty and the rest of his ‘Musketeers’ soured his mood, and that was the end of their ’sticking together’. But to his surprise, Barkovitch didn’t start mocking Rank for his name this time. Rank died anyway, he didn’t make it through the first difficult night.

But Collie noticed how different Barkovitch seemed to behave without the weight of guilt on his conscience from Rank’s death. And nobody called him a killer, making him lash out to protect himself. He went from person to person, talking his ass off. Collie was always aware where Barkovitch was walking at the moment, either because of his loud ass voice or from the camera’s flashing. What was he taking pictures of anyway? And why?

Barkovitch didn’t become a completely new person, of course. He wasn’t kind in a way that McVries, Harkness or Baker were. But he wasn’t as vicious either. He still had a very much punchable face, and spat curses and slurs at the others, but mostly he kept to himself.

Still, whenever Barkovitch opened his mouth, Collie had to fight the urge to throw him on the ground and break his nose.

He had stopped listening to Barkovitch’s words some time ago, but suddenly he heard something that landed like a strike.

‘…and you know, I totally get it man, I know all about the struggles, man. I am one sixteenth Sioux myself.’ Barkovitch jerked the thumb at the tattoo on Parker’s arm, ‘That tattoo? I was actually thinking about getting one myself–-’

Anger rose in his chest.

‘Your colonizer ancestor raping an Indigineous woman doesn’t give you a claim to the heritage, you fucker.’ He snapped. ‘So shut the hell up before I break your nose.’

To his surprise, that shut Barkovitch up and he genuinely looked ashamed. But then, as suddenly, the shame morphed into a very well known look of anger on his face. He took a step and blocked Collie’s path. He wasn’t moving. They weren’t moving.

‘You have no right to tell me who I am.’ Barkovitch shoved him hard in the chest. Collie took a step back. ‘Keep your mouth shut, shithead.’

‘Number five, first warning! Number forty-eight, first warning!’

Collie watched Gary drift away from reality, stuck in his head and the horrors inside it. He was so overcome with rage that nothing could reach him anymore. This motherfucker was going to die here.

‘Come on man, move!’ Parker shouted at him, shoving at him to get him to fucking move. Barkovitch took it as a challenge.

Someone barked a second warning. There was shouting up ahead, he thought he heard Garraty yelling at them to let it go and keep moving. He figured they didn’t know each other well enough yet for Garraty to risk his life coming to their rescue.

‘You wanna fight me, motherfucker? Come on, show everyone what a savage you are.’ Barkovitch snarled. The insult would have hurt him if he wasn’t worried about Barkovitch dying in a matter of seconds, ‘Try to even touch me and I will rip your throat out--’

They shoved at each other, bodies slammed together, hands punching wherever they could. They landed on the ground. Parker got up immediately and took Gary’s wrist and hauling. He tried to get him on his feet and moving before the idiot could be shot. Gary yelped in pain when Parker’s hand clenched on his wrist too hard. That will definitely leave some marks. ‘Fucking hell, please, move your dumb ass and—’

He didn’t hear the third warning. The gunshot came as a surprise to them both, cutting his sentence short.

*

‘A meemaw in the bowl in—’ Parker didn’t even let Gary finish his sentence, he jumped on him and punched him right in the face. He was mad for getting them, getting himself shot. He was so infuriating.

Barkovitch looked at him with wide eyes, gaping.

‘What the fuck man? What did I ever do to you? I don’t even know you!’

That didn’t matter to Collie, not now. He was cursed to repeat the same awful days, marching forever, as far as he knew. Nothing fucking mattered anymore.

They were both on the ground, Collie sitting on Barkovitch whose shock quickly gave way to fury. He started trying to get out from under him, punching and kicking his way out, but Parker was sitting still, unmoving. Suddenly he felt hands from behind him, ripping him off Barkovitch. To his surprise, the hands belonged to Stebbins. He had always thought of him as someone who couldn’t be bothered with anyone but himself. And now he stepped in without a word. He let himself be taken off Gary, both grasping for air.

Barkovitch stayed on the ground. Collie noticed his flushed face and the look that wasn't horror so much as hunger. It was the face of someone who wanted it to continue. His tongue slipped out to lick his split lip, tasting his own blood.

Parker gaped, and something in him burned. Heat climbed through his body. He couldn’t stay here, not with Barkovitch laying on his back and licking the blood that Parker had put on his face. This was dangerous territory.

He got out of Stebbins’ arms and went up to the guards. They looked bored, ignoring everything that was happening around them. They weren’t expecting anything to happen, so it was all easier this time. He wasn’t stopped when he took the gun laying next to one of the guards. Before anyone could stop him, he shot himself.

*

HIs next few attempts at ending this endless loop of dying and waking up did nothing. No matter what he did, nothing changed. He tried saving everyone from their deaths, but it was impossible. Everyone got tired at some point. He could protect Rank from Barkovitch and help Harkness during the night so that he didn’t twist his ankle, but they just died in different ways. They all got tired at some point.

Throughout the loops, Collie tried to avoid Barkovitch as much as it was possible when you are all walking together. Once again, he was the annoying motherfucker from the very first Walk. He shouted insults at the other boys, slapped his face and muttered to himself. All this time, Collie kept his distance. That, he decided, was the best way to ensure their survival. He had seen what was the result of him interacting with Barkovitch.

Avoiding him didn’t mean that Collie could stop noticing. Once Collie looked, he couldn’t look away. Barkovitch was everywhere, striking up conversation or mumbling to himself. The flashlight of his fucking camera always at the edge of Collie’s vision.

‘You are from Arizona? Fucking Arizona, man?’ Barkovitch laughed, but the boy next to him didn’t. ‘I was there once, what a shithole, how can anyone miss this place I just can’t—‘ The boy,

Collie didn’t know his name, spat on Barkovitch, and walked away, joining someone else to walk with. Then came the sound that Collie learnt to recognize as Gary hitting himself in the head, and he heard him muttering fuck, fuck, fucking stupid under his breath.

At that moment, Collie understood something about Barkovitch. Now that he thought about it, it had been there since the very beginning. He just wanted to belong, feel like part of a group. To be included. To be wanted. That’s why he was trying to reach out to people in his own infuriating and clumsy way, talking about something they could have in common, looking for scraps of attention.

Gary caught his eyes and snapped, ‘What the fuck are you looking at? Look at me again and I will kill you, meathead.’

‘You are so full of shit, Barkovitch’ he replied to him, no venom in his voice.

He looked away and faced forward. It might have been the first time during this walk that Barkovitch had spoken to him. It was a strange realization. While everyone else was bombarded by insults, Collie had been left out. He didn’t know if he should feel excluded or spared.

He got closer to the Musketeers this time. If he was stuck here anyway, then he could at least learn something new about the people around him. During his first Walk, his only focus was survival. He didn’t want to be bothered by anyone else. What was the point of making friendships if everyone was going to die anyway?

Now, he thought he understood. He could read it from the looks that McVries and Garraty shared, in their whispered conversations under the cover of the night. It was easier together. To have someone to hold you, to talk to share your thoughts. To cling to some illusion of normalcy.

Not the first time that day, he wished for his family. He longed to be home with his father, sisters, and friends. If he were there today, he would be celebrating the second day of Powwow in secret with everyone in his community. He would listen to his uncle’s stories by the bonfire, watch his nieces dance to the rhythm of the drums, preserving and honoring the culture they were forbidden to celebrate.

His heart clenched in his chest. He longed for home so much it hurt. Tears welled up in his eyes, and he began to sing under his breath.

‘Leciya ya tuwa maki pan pelo...’ This song was banned. In normal circumstances if anyone had heard him singing it, he could have even been jailed. But these weren’t normal circumstances. They would kill him anyway, so the least he could do is give his people some hope. Let them hear their songs on live television, even if it was the last thing he did before dying.

He raised his voice, letting everyone hear, and definitely looked straight into one of the cameras. I dare you to stop me, his eyes seemed to say. ‘Leciya ya tuwa maki pan pelo / Wiohpeyata wakinyan oyate wan.’

It was one of the ceremonial songs sung at the Powwow. His little sister loved it, and he found it fitting their current situation. When he reached the second verse, another voice joined in. The pronunciation was off, the stresses wrong, but these words were unmistakable.

It was Barkovitch.

‘Oyate hanta po itateya mawani yelo / Tehi ya wamiconza pe / Oyate hanta po itateya mawani yelo’.

Barkovitch avoided his eyes, but he came closer, so they were walking arm in arm. They sang together, and when it was over, they walked in silence. Parker stayed quiet too, he didn’t want to scare Gary away, letting him decide when he was ready to talk.

Collie couldn’t help but admire Barkovitch’s bravery and support. By singing this song, he had put a big target on his head, and Barkovitch followed. For the first time in a long while, he didn’t feel so alone.

He didn’t comment on Gary brushing away the tears, hoping nobody would notice. Collie noticed, but he was always looking.

Finally Gary took a breath, and simply said, ‘My meemaw sang me this song to sleep when I was little. I miss her.’

This was a rare moment of vulnerability from him. Barkovitch was like a wild animal, one wrong move and he would either run or lash out. Collie chose his reply carefully, offering something of his own.

‘Your Unčí was a brave woman to dare sing it.’ He said. Then, softer, ’My sister would always ask me to sing it. I would do anything to sing it to her again.’

They walked through the night in silence, but together. This quiet camaraderie made Collie happier than he would have thought. They didn’t trust each other, not in the way that McVries and Garraty did. They didn’t trust the other to help them move along when they fell asleep. But it was easier to take the next step when he knew that there was someone beside him.

So when Barkovitch fell to the ground and got his ticket, Collie followed. He told himself that he wouldn’t last long after that anyway. And, if he was lucky, he would finally die.

He heard a gunshot.

*

His luck failed him again. When he opened his eyes he was on the ground with the other forty nine boys. All alive, all unaware of the horrors that awaited them in just a few hours.
He looked around, recognizing more faces than ever before. The last loop had brought him closer to most of them. This also meant that their deaths would hurt more.

The boys chatted, introducing themselves. Collie’s eyes found McVries and Garranty who were glued to each other from the start Their gazes lingered on each other, little smiles of excitement at this newly found connection. When he let himself think about it, Collie felt a pang of sympathy for them. In each timeline they stuck together, and were one of the last ones to keep walking after he fell. They never relented, even knowing that there could only be one winner.

He tore his eyes away, and looked over at Barkovitch just in time to catch him staring intensely at McVries and Garranty. There was something in his expression that Collie thought looked a lot like sadness, deep longing for something.

Then, he noticed Parker’s gaze on him, and his face twisted into a snarl. ‘Stop fucking staring at me, meathead. What, are you queer or some shit?’

Barkovitch didn’t even wait for a reply, he just stood up and walked away, mumbling to himself and hitting his head. That wouldn’t help him make friends here. He remembered warming up to Gary in the last loop, but this time Gary didn’t even know him. Now, though, he knew that there were layers to Barkovitch. He wasn’t just an annoying piece of shit. Sure, he was still very much annoying, but… there was something more there. And Collie really wanted to discover what it was.

The Walk started again. Collie had it all memorized at this point. He could quote the Major’s fucking motivational talk word for word, and with each loop he realized even more how stupid the Major sounded. Their heavy sacks, really?

‘I said, who is ready to fucking win?!’ the Major shouted at them. There was a moment of loud roars from the other boys. Collie only rolled his eyes.

For the first time he noticed that he was not the only one ignoring the Major. Harkness was looking down, fervently writing in his notebook. Probably writing Major’s speech, word for word. Stebbins just looked at the Major in what looked like awe, too starstruck to shout with the others. Collie never got to know what his deal was. If Stebbins ever decided to open up to anybody, Collie was already dead by then. There was also Barkovitch, standing there silently, trembling with all this pent-up energy. The boy was ferocious, Collie had to give him that.

He thought that if it weren’t for Gary’s mental issues he could become the winner. Each time it was his mind that killed him, not his physical body. He heard McVries say once that the Walk wasn’t about physical strength, but that there was something in the brain.

Collie didn’t know if he had that. His brain was being tested each time he was transported to a new loop and usually he didn’t want to stick around long, so he guessed his brain didn’t have that thing. But then he remembered the last loop where, even though he was tired and could get himself killed and be done with it, he didn’t want that. Not until after Barkovitch’s death.

It wasn’t because of Barkovitch, he was sure of it. It was the company of another person that could ease the pain and make it more bearable. Any of the other boys would do.

So he tried connecting with the others. He asked Harkness about the book he was writing, and about his life. He tried talking to Curly, but couldn’t. The boy reminded him too much of his little brother. This child never should have been picked. When Curly died in this loop, Collie didn’t look, but he shed a tear anyway. There was another boy… Toland? He was just a fucking boring guy. With him, he felt like his energy was being drained.

No one stuck with Parker for more than an hour or two of polite small talk. No one except Barkovitch. Although in this timeline, Barkovitch had yet to come up to him and get on his nerves. He kept his distance, bothering everyone else.

Collie was walking with the Musketeers, when the topic of mothers came up.

‘Tell me about your mom. What’s her name?’ McVries asked Garraty. Garraty started telling them all about Ginny with a ‘G’ and the lullaby she used to sing to him.

He thought of his own mother. Everyone on the reservation agreed, she had a beautiful voice. She was always chosen as the lead singer in ceremonies, and even when there wasn’t an occasion, she sang. Doing laundry, quilting, working in their garden, there was always a song on her lips.

He felt someone nudge him in the ribs. ‘What about your mom, man? Bet she is a looker too.’ Said Hank, and the other boys cackled. He clenched his fist.

‘She died three months ago.’

There was silence at his words, and then a hurried sorry from Hank who looked ready to bolt.

‘What was her name?’ Garraty asked.

Parker was fighting with himself. He knew that this question would be asked, it was a natural order of conversation. It’s okay, he doesn’t know. Just tell him. But he couldn’t, how could he explain to Garraty this thing without seeming superstitious, alienating himself by showing everyone his otherness so plainly. In accordance with the rules of the name taboo, he couldn’t say his mother’s name for a year after her death, so as to not disturb her passage to the afterlife.

‘Hey man, it’s fine, we will not make fun of her. Just wanna keep her in our prayers’ this was Baker, his voice soothing, calm.

Parker felt trapped, with no way out. He could either disrespect his culture, his religion, and his mother, or risk rejection, verbal abuse, maybe even violence. This had happened before when he shared some of his culture’s practices with those he considered friends. They remained his friends as long as they could ignore the fact that, in their minds, he came from savages.

Barkovitch seemed to materialize out of nowhere, and shoved Baker hard.

‘Shove your fucking prayers up your fucking ass man.’ Barkovitch snapped at Art. Everyone stared, wide-eyed, unsure what had brought on this sudden surge of violence. ‘What? Fuck off, all of you’ as sudden as he appeared, Barkovitch turned and walked away. They heard him mumbling a bunch of queers under his breath.

And with that, the topic of mothers was forgotten, replaced by confusion over what had just happened.

But Collie knew. Barkovitch knew about the tradition, and he saved Collie from putting a target on his head by refusing to say his mother’s name. He had done it at risk to his own life and to any chance at friendship with the other boys. A small smile tugged at Collie’s lips.

He approached Barkovitch. Risking a punch, he put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed it once, trying to convey that he was thankful. To his surprise, Barkovitch didn’t retaliate. He leaned into the touch instead.

He must have been more tired than Collie would have guessed, looking at him. He was painfully aware of his hand on Gary’s shoulder. It burned him, but he didn’t want to pull away, not when it wasn’t shrugged off. He hadn’t expected this, hadn’t thought that far ahead, assuming he would get assaulted the moment his hand touched Barkovitch.

‘Can I ask you a question? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.’ Gary didn’t acknowledge his question in any way. Collie took that as a yes. ‘Why are you taking so many photos? What is it all for?’

Barkovitch tucked a strand of hair behind his ear, brushing against Collie’s hand. The touch was feather-like, but it was enough to set Collie’s insides on fire. Slowly, his hand slid to the back of Gary’s neck. He felt him shudder.

‘I don’t know man, it’s just— I like taking pictures of everything I find beautiful and worth remembering. That’s it.’

Collie’s fingers found his scalp, massaging gently with his own trembling hand. He heard Gary’s breath hitch in response.

He wasn’t expecting this. He wasn’t sure what he was doing or how far he could go. How far would Barkovitch allow him to go.

His fingers found a string of Gary’s hair and tugged, hard. Gary’s head went back, pliant. He looked beautiful like this, like Collie could do anything and Gary would follow.

He noticed the way Gary’s tongue flicked to his lips, nervously. It reminded Collie of that time when there had been blood on Barkovitch’s mouth, and how amazing he had looked licking it off. Fuck. He had to stop, before he did something really stupid.

Gary’s eyes darkened, and for a millisecond they flicked to Collie’s lips. It happened so quickly he might have missed it if he blinked.

Then, they heard a gunshot in the air that snapped them both to the present moment. Collie pulled his hand away. He wanted to say something, but before he could, he heard Gary fall to the ground, on his hands and knees, trembling. Gary was crying. He was crying and ready to die. When Collie tried to help him, get him to his feet and get him moving, Gary snarled and kicked at him so violently that he knew it was hopeless.

Barkovitch was shot, crying and afraid. Collie wasn’t sure if it was the fear of death or of Collie that frightened him more.

Before getting on his feet and moving again, he took Gary’s camera with himself. He turned it on and looked through the photos of everything that Barkovitch wanted to remember and now wouldn’t.

There were dozens of pictures from the past few days. Landscapes, sunsets, storm clouds rolling in. He was enraptured by Gary’s attention to detail and his ability to find beauty in this hell. The pictures were stunning. As he scrolled further he noticed some photos… of himself. Him walking, sweat soaking his shirt. Him drinking water, his head tilted back. Him laughing at something Olson had said. Him looking straight at the camera, angry, catching Barkovitch taking a picture.

I take pictures of everything I find beautiful and worth remembering.

At some point in the Walk, most pictures were of Collie. Occasionally, a stray cat on the side of the road appeared, immortalized in the photos. One picture showed Collie kneeling to pet it. He remembered that moment. He risked one warning to kneel and pet this cat. It was his own moment of indulgence. It was amazing that Gary had captured it on camera.
It meant something. Collie was part of the beautiful and worth remembering, he realized. That seemed like the logical conclusion. But… it didn’t make any sense. Why would Barkovitch think that about him?

He remembered his hand on Gary’s hair, and how it looked lost in the blonde strands. If he had a camera, he would want to capture Gary too. He was also worth remembering. Beautiful, even.

Maybe. He didn’t want to dwell on that thought.

Now he understood why Gary had gone insane blaming himself for Rank’s death. Not even an hour had passed before the guilt had gnawed at him so deeply that he let the guards take him out. He promised himself he wouldn’t let Gary die in any other loop.

*

He also needed to figure out how to get out of this fucking time loop. He couldn’t keep going like this, experiencing the same losses and feeling the same pain every fucking time.

Why him? Why not anyone else? What was he supposed to do to end it? Could he even end it? He tried winning the damned thing, but no matter how hard he pushed, he never managed to outlast them all. He had tried saving everyone, but this proved impossible. Once, he thought that maybe he had a limited number of lives. Five times in a row he stepped off the road and got shot immediately, without any warnings. And yet, each time, he woke up on the ground before the Walk began.

He’d died so many times, he had stopped counting a long time ago. Sometimes he wondered if the loops ceased to exist when he died, and he prayed that was true. The thought of countless versions of his friends still walking to their deaths, made something deep inside him break.

There were two things he hadn’t tried yet. He hadn’t told anyone about being stuck in a time loop, and he hadn’t attempted a revolt with others. Until now, it had always been just him alone against all the guards. But maybe, with others, they could actually have a chance. He needed a plan. And he needed to figure out who to tell first.

His eyes shot to Barkovitch, who was currently busy antagonizing Rank. Recently, he found his eyes following Barkovitch everywhere. He watched and analyzed every little thing he noticed about the other boy. What stuck with him most was the matter of touch.

It hit him that Barkovitch craved the touch of another person. Any touch. Even if it came as a punch or kick. Gary was always the one to initiate physical contact with others - punching, kicking, shoving. But it was still a human contact. But once he started noticing that, he also noticed something else. Nobody was touching Barkovitch unless it was in anger. He wanted someone’s touch so badly he was willing to be hurt for it. Even in the loops where they never spoke, Barkovitch still found ways to touch him. A shove to the side to clear the path, an elbow in the ribs to get past.

But when Collie thought back to the loops, to how Barkovitch had broken down the moment he touched him gently, he understood. Gary needed that touch. But he was terrified of wanting it.

Barkovitch was scared of himself. And Collie could relate.

‘…your mother must have failed with that old coat hanger thing, and--’ Collie heard Gary say, and realized it was this moment. He decided to save Rank, like almost each time in the loops.

‘Hey, Barkovitch!’ he called. Gary’s head snapped to him so quickly it must have hurt. But it worked, and Gary forgot to finish his sentence to Rank. ‘Come up here, man.’

There was real fury in Barkovitch’s eyes, he could see it even from a distance. ‘I’m not your fucking dog, you piece of shit.’ His pent-up anger, meant for Rank, lashed onto a new target. In spite of his words, Barkovitch stalked toward Collie, ready to throw a punch his way. Parker’s hand shot up, catching his arm mid-air, his grip like iron.

‘Maybe stop acting like a dog,’ he snapped, eyes locked on Barkovitch’s. ‘And then people might stop treating you like one’.

Gary snarled, feral and cornered. He twisted, struggled against Collie’s hold and finally jerked away, spitting in his direction but missing. ‘Come on, fuckface, you want me to dance on your grave?’

They both knew that in a real fight Barkovitch wouldn’t stand a chance, but Collie didn’t say it out loud. Instead, his eyes lingered on Barkovitch’s wrist, the same one he had just gripped. The skin already looked like it might bruise.

He should have apologized. He didn’t. Instead, his mouth went dry at the thought of leaving marks on Barkovitch’s body. And Barkovitch would let him, would crave it even, if it meant another person touching him at all. His pale, lanky body was the perfect canvas. When Collie finally looked up, he didn’t know what Barkovitch was thinking. His eyes were wide, torn between fury and something else. Gary’s eyes flicked to his wrist, as if he couldn’t help it. For just a moment, he looked small. ‘Don’t fucking touch me again.’ Barkovitch spun and stalked off.

Parker inhaled slowly, calming himself. He reminded himself that Barkovitch was only frightened and lashing out the only way he knew. He wasn’t a bad person.

‘Hey, Barkovitch, stop.’ Parker said after him. ‘Gary.' He added and the use of his name caught the blonde’s attention. Gary turned to face him, walking backwards. This idiot would soon trip, fall and get himself killed, for fuck’s sake.

‘You wanna walk with me for a while?’

Barkovitch’s face went through many emotions that he wasn’t fast enough to hide. Not from Collie who studied him religiously. He didn’t answer but drifted back into step with Parker. He looked… not happy, but maybe content.

For a while, they walked in silence. Sometimes he could hear Gary’s camera, taking a photo. He wondered if this time, he would also be in the pictures.
In a way it reminded Collie of that loop where they had sung together and Barkovitch had talked about his grandmother. He wished he could have stayed there. What else would have Gary revealed about himself, if the loop hadn’t ended?

‘Wanna trade secrets?’ Collie asked, smirking.

Gary laughed, sharp and ugly. More a bark than a laugh. ‘What are we, girls at a sleepover? You want me to braid your hair and have a pillow fight, dipshit?’ Then, abruptly, Barkovitch started hitting his own head, muttering fucking stupid under his breath. It looked painful.

Parker caught Gary’s wrist, not trying to be gentle, he just wanted to stop what was happening. His fingers closed on the same spot as before, squeezing hard. Yeah, that will definitely bruise. It was already darkening beneath his grip.

‘Don’t fucking to that to yourself.' Parker snapped. ‘You are making it harder for your body to survive this walk.' And after a beat he added, softer, ‘Piece of shit.' That stilled Barkovitch. The corner of his mouth even twitched upward, like he was trying to remember how to smile but couldn’t.

Collie let go of his hand, but not right away. He knew he held it longer than he should have. Hopefully, Gary hadn’t noticed.

‘So, what’s your fucking secret?’ Barkovitch asked, massaging his hand, where Parker had gripped him.

Collie decided to start small, before telling him about the time loop. Worst case scenario, Gary would laugh at him.

‘My favorite color is green.’

Barkovitch stared at him, bewildered. ‘That’s your fucking secret? Jesus man, I really thought you were fucking serious about—‘

‘I am’, Collie cut in. ‘It’s just a warm-up. We are practicing sharing stuff, okay?’

Gary rolled his eyes at that, but didn’t walk off.

‘So, what about you?’ Collie nudged. ‘Any secrets you want to share?’

‘Sure, man. My favorite color’s blue.’

‘Fair enough.’ Collie smiled.

It went like that for a while. Collie would offer something about himself, and Barkovitch would give one back. Collie said he preferred autumn to spring, and Gary would say his favorite season was summer. He would tell Gary his childhood dog's name, and in turn Gary would tell him his cat’s name.

Finally, Collie asked, ‘Tell me something real.’

Gary’s head snapped towards him. ‘What the fuck man, I’m not fucking lying to you--‘

‘No, that’s not--‘ Collie hesitated. What did he mean by that? ‘I just… want to know something more personal. Beyond surface level stuff. You know. Bonding, I guess.’

His cheeks were burning. He felt stupid.

Gary mumbled something. Collie didn’t catch that. ‘What did you say?’

A sigh. ‘I said I don’t wanna win, not really. There is nothing for me after this fucking thing ends. No one. And nowhere to go.’

You could come home with me.

The thought startled Collie. He didn’t know where it came from, but… it wasn’t unwelcome.

‘Your turn. Something real.’ Barkovitch said.

Collie thought this was his moment. If he didn’t say it now he never would.

‘I’m stuck in a time loop.’

He watched as Gary’s face dropped. He didn’t look mad or like he was going to mock him. He actually looked sad. ‘Fuck you, man.’ He said, voice tight. ‘I should have known it was one big fucking joke to you, and that you would never—’

‘No. Please.’ Collie’s heart hammered. It was going so wrong. He had expected mockery, a laugh, something, but not this broken version of Barkovitch. ‘I’m telling the truth. I’ve died on this walk more times than I can count. Every time I die, I wake up just before the Walk starts again.’

Barkovitch’s expression didn’t change. He still didn’t believe him. Collie couldn’t blame him for it. He wouldn’t have believed himself either.

‘I can prove it.’

‘Sure,’ Barkovitch snorted. His voice sounded so small. ‘You are so full of shit, Parker’.

Collie started singing Wahancáŋča. He sang it quietly, just for the two of them. It wasn’t a statement this time, an act of defiance. He didn’t even reach the end of the first line before Gary’s mouth fell open.

‘That’s—‘

‘The song your grandma… Your meemaw used to sing you to bed. I know’, said Collie. He stopped singing, watching him.

’You can’t know that. I never said anything.’

‘Not this time,’ Collie said softly, ‘but in another loop you did.’

He saw how Barkovitch’s confidence faltered. He hoped that’s enough for him to believe him, he wanted to share his experience with someone. Maybe it was selfish of him, but at that moment he didn’t care.

‘I don’t believe you’, said Gary, his voice trembling, unsure. ‘You are doing some Indian voodoo magic on me, trying to get in my head and get me killed--’

Collie stifled a sigh. He doesn’t really think that, he reminded himself. Gary was the boy who had started singing the song with him, despite it being prohibited. He was the boy who had saved him from breaking his mourning period. The version of Gary in front of him was just scared, lashing out.

Collie needed to stop him from spiraling, before it was too late.

‘No, Gary, please. That wasn’t what I wanted to-- fuck.' He began, but Gary was already lost in his head, probably imagining every way Collie wanted to fuck him over, using the secrets they had just shared and his moment of vulnerability. Gary’s fists slammed against his own head, over and over. His steps faltered, until he stopped completely, panic blazing in his eyes.

Collie couldn’t take it. He grabbed Gary by the shoulders and shook him hard, getting more worried with every passing second. Soon they will get their first warning. ‘I’m fucking begging you man, just move! Don’t stop now, fuck!’

But Gary wasn’t listening. He curled in on himself on the ground, gasping like he couldn’t breath.

‘Number five, first warning! Number forty-eight, first warning!’

He didn’t give a shit about his own warnings. He just wanted Gary to stay alive. He couldn’t die, not like that, not when they were finally getting to something real. He yanked Gary harder, but it was for nothing. Barkovitch stayed on the ground, shouting, voice hoarse with terror. ‘Leave me the fuck alone! You want to kill me! Everybody wants to fucking kill me!’

There was a second warning, and Collie’s stomach turned to stone. He noticed Garraty going back for them. ‘Go away Garraty, you can’t help with this!’ He yelled his way. Garraty hesitated, visibly fighting with himself, until McVries’ hand closed around his, and pulled him back into the line with the other Walkers, to safety.

‘Number five, third warning! Number forty-eight, third warning!’

He could barely hear the warnings over Barkovitch’s cries.

Collie didn’t have it in him to watch Gary die again. It was fucking with his mind, breaking something in him, the number of times he had seen Gary die, his head snapped back with the force of the bullet. He did the only thing he could think of in those seconds - he dropped on the ground, curling over Gary’s trembling body, like a human shield. He was bigger than him, his frame blocked Barkovitch from the guards and their guns aimed at them. It wouldn’t help much, but it would give Barkovitch a few more seconds to live. And Collie didn’t have to watch him die.

God, he was so selfish.

Gary stared at him, stunned. He tried to shove him off, but Collie didn’t move. Then, came a gunshot. Collie felt the bullet enter his chest. It didn’t exit out the other side. Gary was unharmed, for now.

‘I just want to save you, shithead.' Collie rasped. These were the last words he managed to say, before closing his eyes. He never heard the second gunshot. That brought him some comfort.

*

When he opened his eyes again, he was crying before he even sat up.

He blamed himself. He knew Gary’s mental state wasn’t steady, and he had triggered him. It had been reckless of him, and it had all happened so suddenly. He still had so much to learn about Barkovitch, if he wanted to avoid situations like these in the future.

He felt so alone. Nobody remembered, nobody but him. He was alone with the ghosts of every fucking loop he went through. And now he would have to start everything again.

He wanted to know Barkovitch. But he also wanted Barkovitch to know him back. But Gary would never remember. They would always start out as strangers.

Collie didn’t stop crying, even when the Major gave his speech. This time, the speech was changed. He added some sneering remark about those who would die quickly for being fucking girls and crying. Collie didn’t care. He felt hollow inside.

When the walk began, he walked straight up to Barkovitch, and wrapped him in the hug. Gary went stiff, astonished, his wide eyes flicking to Collie’s tear-stricken face.

‘I’m sorry.’ Collie whispered. ‘I will make it better, I swear.’

Then, without waiting for a reply, he stepped off the road.

Collie promised himself that the next time he would do everything right. He would make friends, save whoever he could. Share more secrets with Barkovitch.

*

‘A meemaw in the bowl in the morning, man.’

This could be a good start. Do not let Gary alienate himself. He heard Hank sneering, ‘What the fuck is a—’, but Collie just spoked over him.

‘Good one, man.’ He smiled, small, careful. He didn’t want to look too eager. Barkovitch looked up at him, startled but glad. ‘I’m Collie Parker, by the way.’

‘Gary Barkovitch.’

They shook hands. Collie’s eyes flicked to Gary’s wrist. It was unmarked, smooth,no fading bruises in the shape of Parker’s fingers. It looked empty. Wrong.

They went through introductions with the rest of the group, but Collie made sure he kept close to Gary, and they walked side by side. When they joined McVries, Garraty, Olson and Baker, their chatter felt almost light, normal. They were getting to know each other. It was refreshing.

That first night brought the thunderstorm and the rain that had always been a challenge for everyone. But this time, surrounded by others, it was easier. At one point Barkovitch slipped and fell on the ground, and Parker’s heart lurched. He was at his side immediately, extending his hand to get him up. He gripped hard, too hard, he realized, when Gary yelped. Collie’s apology caught in his throat, as he saw Gary’s face. Usually so pale, and now flushed, his eyes glazed, lips parted. Barkovitch didn’t look like he needed an apology.

Collie’s mind raced. He thought of the time he had threatened Gary, telling him he would make him eat the ground. He thought of their fights. The bruise he had left on Gary’s wrist.

Did Barkovitch… liked being powerless? Manhandled? The thought set his insides on fire. His skin prickled. The thought of that felt wrong. Reckless. Dangerous. But wasn’t everything about Barkovitch dangerous? He felt like he had opened a can of worms with this one thought.

He made Collie feel too much, too much rage, and the raw stupid urge to save him.

He wanted to kill him. He wanted to keep him alive. He wanted too much. He shouldn’t have even thought about it. He wasn’t like that. And Barkovitch sure as hell wasn’t like that.

When they survived that first night, Barkovitch looked at their group and said, almost shyly, ‘Let’s all be Musketeers.’

He braced for rejection, for the mocking laughter that usually followed anything he said. But none came. Parker was stunned that this suggestion came from Gary. It had never happened in any of the previous loops. But then, it was also the first loop that Gary had been considered a part of the group.

‘We stick together to the end.' Collie said, smiling. Gary smiled back. It wasn’t a full grin yet, but it felt genuine. At that moment, he didn’t even care if the other guys agreed or not.

‘All for one, or some shit.' Hank said. Looks like they agreed. But Collie’s eyes stayed on Gary.

He worried he might have it worse than McVries and Garraty. At least they had the decency to save the intense stares for private moments. Collie wanted to touch Gary again, and leave bruises on his skin, mark him as his own with his teeth and hands. Barkovitch felt different this time around. He still had his edge, and there were moments when his anger resurfaced, but he was quick to tame it, afraid of losing the friendships he had started to make.

‘How about a game, my Musketeers?’ McVries asked, pulling Collie back to the moment.

‘Anything to kill the time.' Sighed Hank.

‘Any particular game you have in mind?’ Garraty asked. His hand rested on McVries’ waist, thumb idly circling the strip of skin exposed where his shirt rode up. McVries didn’t seem to mind.

When Pete caught Parker’s stare, he looked at him like he was daring him to say anything. The look that said, I like you, but if you say a word about this, I will fight you. Collie wasn’t planning on saying anything.

‘How about two truths and a lie?’

Hank frowned, ‘How do you play it?’

‘Olson, are you fucking stup--’ Barkovitch started, out of habit, then stopped himself and continued, calmer, ‘You play it exactly like it sounds. You say three facts about yourself, one must be a lie. Everyone else guesses which one.’

Parker thought that when he eventually gets to the next loop, this could help him gain their trust faster. But he really hoped this loop would be the last. He couldn’t take it anymore.

‘I can go first’, Garraty offered. He was braver than most people gave him credit for, always risking himself for his friends, and willing to try anything with them. Too trusting, Collie thought.

Like a dog who loves you after one pat. Personally, Collie preferred cats. He liked feeling like he had earned someone’s trust through his actions and patience.

‘Nietzsche’s my favorite author. My mom’s name is Ginny with a G. And… If I get home, I want to propose to Jan.’

Hank tried guessing first, grinning. ‘Nietzsche is prohibited. No way you would have the balls to risk your life reading your shitty book.’ Everyone agreed with Hank, except McVries.

McVries shook his head. ‘Your father showed you this book. So you probably read it and loved it. Your mom’s name is Ginny like the alcohol, gin. You told me that. So that would mean… you don’t want to propose to your girl.’

Garraty nodded his head. Pete was right.

‘You are fucking insane, admitting you have read a banned books when there are cameras rolling.' Barkovitch said, shaking his head in disbelief. But Collie also saw the respect on his face.

Collie had to agree, Garraty was fucking crazy to say it out loud. And to admit that he didn’t want to marry Jan, while the whole country, probably even Jan, was watching… At least now she wouldn’t cling to hope.

‘What are they gonna do? Kill me?’ Garraty laughed, but nobody else joined in. It reminded them all where they were. It wasn’t a casual hangout with friends. It was a death march.

‘I will go next.’ Hank said quickly. ‘I was expelled from school. I have a wife. And… I have a lucky gum, as long as I chew it, I stay alive.’

’There is no fucking way you have a wife.’ Barkovitch scoffed. ‘But the gum? That’s fucking disgusting, I hope it’s also a lie. You remember that the game is called two truths and a lie and not two lies and a truth, dickhead?’

Collie knew for a fact that Hank had both a wife, and his lucky gum. As gross as that was. Still, he played along. ‘I’m with Gary on this, the gum is fucking disgusting.’

He didn’t notice he slipped, using Barkovitch’s name, until he caught Gary looking at him, sharp and thoughtful.

Nobody believed that Hank had a wife. ‘You dumb fucks, I do have a wife, why is it that hard to believe? We got married a year ago, she is pregnant, waiting for me at home. And as for my lucky gum’, he plucked it from his mouth and held it up for everyone to see. Then, he popped it back in his mouth.

‘Olson, what the fuck! That was so disgusting!’ Barkovitch gagged. But he was laughing, like the rest of them.

For now, they were happy, laughing. Later it would sink in that Hank had just admitted he had a pregnant wife at home, and a child about to be born without a father. But those were the thoughts for later.

Parker wished he had Harkness’ notebook so that he could write every fact he was learning about his Musketeers.

‘Pete, wanna go next?’ Garraty asked, still smiling.

‘Yeah sure, give me a second.’ He lifted three fingers and counted them down. ‘I wanted to be a songwriter. I have kissed three different girls in my life. If I win, I will wish for there to be two winners in all future Walks.’ His eyes locked onto Garraty, as he said it. Garraty returned the look.

Baker let out a sigh. ‘Yeah, you would definitely try something stupid like that. They wouldn’t grant you that wish, you must know that. It can’t interfere with politics.’

‘I would still want to try my luck.’ Pete said quietly.

It was a lovely sentiment, but personally Parker also thought that it was a losing battle. They would never allow it.

‘I heard you reciting that queer poem to your girlfriend over there.’ Barkovitch said, pointing his finger at Garraty. Collie winced. He had really tried to make the other boys like Barkovitch, but there was nothing he could do to control his unfiltered mouth. Gary was hard to like. Then again, so was Parker.

‘So yeah, you write poems.’ Barkovitch went on. ‘The lie is the three girls. But the real question,’ he ginned, sharp and mean, ‘ is how many guys you have fucked, McVries? That’s what we should be asking.’

McVries ignored the bite. Instead, he said simply, ‘You are right, I didn’t kiss any girls. I have never kissed anyone, actually’, he looked straight at Garraty when he said it. Like he really wanted Garraty to understand. ‘And now, I never will.’ He let out a breath.

Parker didn’t miss the way that Garraty’s eyes flickered down to Pete’s lips, lingering there. He knew he should be disgusted, but looking at them, he couldn’t. Their longing was so simple and human. They yearned to touch and to be touched, like everyone else. They were just too afraid to reach out and hold each other, like they really wanted to. He couldn’t condemn them for that.

When Parker glanced sideways, he found Gary already staring at him. They locked eyes, and Collie looked away first.

Maybe he understood Garraty and McVries better than he cared to admit.

‘Art, your turn’, he said, breaking the moment.

‘I don’t want to lie to you. It’s a sin.’ Baker said earnestly.

Barkovitch rolled his eyes, but, surprisingly, held his tongue. Collie almost smiled. Progress.

‘Baker, it’s just a game.’ Collie said gently.

‘Yeah, and God or some other fuckwit up there will forgive you this one time.’ Barkovitch muttered. To Collie’s surprise, Art didn’t look bothered by Gary’s words. He actually looked relieved.

‘Okay’, Baker said. ’But next round… can I just tell you three truths instead?’
McVries laughed and slung an arm around him, in a half-hug. ‘You are the sweetest man alive, Art. And of course it’s fine. Just be true to yourself.’

Art smiled. ‘I know I can be myself with you.’ He paused for a moment and then continued, ‘Okay, here it goes. I was raised by my parents. You are my best friends. And… a day before I came here, I got engaged.’

Parker hadn’t known about the engagement. But it shouldn’t come as a surprise to him, in the other loops they barely talked.

‘I think the first one is a lie’, he said. He remembered Art asking them to give his grandmother his rosary. He felt sick at the memory of his death.

Art nodded. ‘My granny raised me, a great woman. Every day she prays for my safe return. She gave me this.’ He lifted the rosary around his neck for them to see.

Hank clapped him on the back, grinning. ‘My man, why didn’t you say anything about your engagement before? You sly dog! Congratulations!’

Baker then told them about his girl. He had met her at his church, it had been love at first sight. He knew that she was the only one for him, and his grandmother approved of her. The others peppered him with more questions about her, but Collie’s attention was on Barkovitch who fidgeted nervously, scratching at his neck absentmindedly.

‘You okay?’ Collie asked quietly, so no one else could hear. Besides, the group was still absorbed in Baker’s story about his fiancee. Natalie, he thought her name was.

‘Fuck off.' Gary muttered.

‘You fuck off.’ Replied Collie softly, no edge in his voice. He noticed a small grin tug at Gary’s lips. It warmed him that he was not the only one enjoying their banter.

Gary took a moment to collect his thoughts, and said, ‘Before coming here, I didn’t have any friends. If you can believe it. I mean… who wouldn’t want to befriend a crazy fuckup like me?’

Collie opened his mouth to protest, but Barko continued, ‘And it’s just… so difficult to open up now. I have built so many barriers over the years. I don’t even know if I can break them.’

Collie understood completely, he felt the same way. He didn’t lash out at everyone these days, but his old instincts to use his fists to communicate still lingered. He shared that with Barkovitch and then added, ‘I know it takes time. But this silly game? It’s a start. You can open up slowly. You don’t need to spill your deepest secrets. Even something like your favorite color or flower, or some other shit.’

Collie knew that Gary had it in himself to be vulnerable. He had met that version of Gary. And he truly believed that this softer Gary was inside this one, somewhere, ready to emerge.

‘Yeah… Yeah, you are right.’ Gary said, his voice stronger now. He looked more confident, ‘Ready to hear my facts, fuckers?’

The group fell silent. Everyone leaned in, curious to see the person behind the walls. It could be the moment that Gary showed them all real trust.

‘I don’t have any friends outside of this fucking thing.’ The guys exchanged glances, surprised. It was deep, coming from Barkovitch. But none of them were shocked at the words themselves.’ My favorite color is yellow. And--’ A shit-eating grin spread across his face.’ I’m a fucking faggot.’ He laughed, manic and loud.

Everyone, except Collie, groaned.

‘For fuck’s sake Barkovitch.' Garraty said, exasperated. ‘If you can’t fucking treat this game seriously, then stop playing.’

The other boys were busy cussing out Barkovitch, so no one noticed that Collie had stopped moving. For the first time in a long time, he forgot to take another step. His mind went blank.

‘Could you stop with the fucking homophobic jokes all the time, man?’ McVries said, his patience finally wore out. ‘Give us a fucking break. We were trying to connect or some shit and you are just… destroying the whole idea of this game.’

‘Number forty-eight! First warning!’

Gary spun around so fast he nearly tripped. ‘Parker, what the fuck?!’

Collie started moving again. When he reached them, he muttered ‘Sorry, I just needed a second of rest.’

‘You dumb motherfucker.’ He heard Barkovitch whisper under his breath.

Collie kept replaying the moment in his head. I’m a fucking faggot. The rest of the guys hadn't even questioned it, assuming it was a lie. It was the most obvious conclusion. But Collie knew that Gary’s favorite color wasn’t yellow, it was blue. He had told him that in one of the loops. But that had been so many loops ago. Could he really trust his memory? Or trust that Barkovitch hadn’t lied to him then? Logically, he knew that Barkovitch had no reason to lie to him back then, not about something as trivial as a favorite color. Could favorite colors change from one loop to another?

The thing about him not having any friends was undeniably the truth. What if he was fucking with them and had deliberately told them two lies? But… Collie didn’t suspect that. Not really. Looking at Barkovitch, he saw a deeply troubled boy with so much internalized hatred. Perhaps this was his way of saying his truth without a fear of judgment or rejection, when everyone assumed he was lying. But Collie knew, though. And Barkovitch didn’t know about that.

Now, that Collie knew, he couldn’t stop thinking about what it meant. He remembered all the moments he had ignored, and hadn't allowed his mind to focus on them. The way Gary had leaned into him when he held his wrist a bit too hard, the look in his eyes during their fights, the moment Collie’s gaze lingered on his bloodied mouth. The photos that Gary had taken of him, his hand on Gary’s head, in his blonde hair, Gary leaning into him. His stomach tightened.

All this time, he had misinterpreted the look on Gary’s face as anger, shock or fear. But now he saw it for what it really was. Want. Pure, desperate want. It had always been there, burning inside Barkovitch, making him lash out, in anger and fear of himself.

So… Gary was into him. Possibly. Maybe. Collie didn’t know how he felt about that. He had never even considered that… that he could be gay. Or attracted to a guy, at least. He imagined what it would be like to kiss him, and touch him without the fear of having his hand bitten off. He thought it would still be brutal and dangerous, because it was still Barkovitch. He would be feral. They could match each other’s wildness.

He knew that Barkovitch liked being manhandled, so he imagined that sex with him would look a lot like fighting. A fight for domination that Collie would eventually win, always. Barkovitch under him, panting, hair in disarray, lips bloodied from kissing and biting. Barkovitch on his knees, taking him so deep he would choke, but wouldn’t pull away. He would let Collie fuck his throat, be as forceful as he wanted.

Oh god. Just the thought made him realize exactly how he felt. And he was really, really into the idea of him and Barkovitch fucking. But the scarier part was that it wasn’t only about the fucking. He genuinely wanted to spend time with him.

He was fucked.

‘Parker, you are the last one left.’ Hank’s voice pulled him out of his thoughts. ‘Save this game with the power of friendship of some shit, because Barkovitch doesn’t know how to play.’

Here is my first truth - I have never been so turned on in my life.

‘I like blondes.' He blamed this one on the fact that he couldn’t currently stop himself from thinking about his hand in Barkovitch’s hair, and Barkovitch on his knees. Fuck.

He thought for a moment what he could say. He wanted to have some fun with the game. Collie decided to mess with them.

‘I can understand and talk to wolves. I want to start a revolt.’ He said, like it was completely normal.

A long silence followed, everyone deep in thought. Collie found it really funny, considering that one of those statements was a blatant lie. The ridiculousness of the lie made it even funnier.

‘I really hope the revolt is false, man.’ Hank finally said. ‘I can believe the other two, but this… you would have to be crazier than Barkovitch to do that. And you are a pretty chill guy.’

Others agreed, except Gary and Baker.

Baker started, stumbling over his words, clearly realizing he might sound offensive. ‘I don’t think you like blondes. You probably wouldn’t have many opportunities to meet blonde chicks, right? Living on the reservation and stuff…’ He stopped abruptly and Parker could swear that his face darkened from embarrassment.

‘You bunch of fucking idiots,' Barkovitch exclaimed, ‘I really can’t believe you fuckers. Parker’s Lakota, not some… some magician circus freak who talks to wolves. And Baker— I don’t even have words for how fucking stupi--‘

‘It’s okay.’ Parker cut him off, stopping Barkovitch’s rant before it spiraled. But he had to admit that it was flattering how much Gary fought for him. ‘I was just trying to fuck with them. I know what image people have of my people in their heads.’ The other guys started to apologize, but Parker only grinned. ‘It’s fine, seriously. It was pretty funny to watch you actually believe that I could talk to wolves.’

He paused, his grin fading. ‘But,' he continued, ‘that means the other stuff was true. The revolt. You know.’ His face hardened.

‘You are fucking crazy.’ Barkovitch mattered.

‘Maybe I am. But logically? We are all going to die here. Maybe one of us makes it, but if I had to guess it would be Stebbins who makes it to the fucking end. The rest of us? Dead. Why not take some guards with us? Show the people that there is still some resistance. This is televised. We could actually change something. Maybe even stop this fucking thing once and for all. And if we are lucky-- ‘he looked down the road’ we might even stay alive.’

They were quiet for a long time. He could see the uncertainty on their faces, but Garraty and McVries were already leaning in close, whispering. He had good feelings about them. Garraty’s rebellious spirit and their shared desperation to save everyone else, those could be enough to agree to his plans. And they could talk others into it.

As he expected, Garraty finally spoke, ‘Pete and I are in. We will see who else could join us. Let’s regroup tomorrow morning and figure out a plan.’

Everyone nodded. It was getting darker. The group began to splinter into smaller groups or pairs walking together.

Parker felt another presence at his side.

‘You are serious?’ Barkovitch asked quietly. ’You would let yourself get killed like that?’

He sounded worried. Parker reminded himself that Gary cared. It was still strange to think about. He had been so focused on sharing his rebellion plans that he’d almost forgotten about his own revelation about how he felt towards Barkovitch.

‘I’m going to die anyway. I want it to happen on my own terms, not for someone’s entertainment.’

Barkovitch nodded. He understood. Parker remembered Gary’s first Walk, and his suicide. It haunted him still, not only the memory, but also the knowledge of what Gary was capable of doing to himself.

‘I still think that you are crazy.’ Barkovitch muttered.

‘And I think that you find this exciting.’ Collie shot back. ‘You want that fight to happen.’

‘I want the chance to live. Not to fight.’

Collie blinked at him. In the other loop, Gary had told him that had wanted to die on this road, because he had nothing outside of it. No one was waiting for him at home. ‘Why?’

‘Why do I want to live?’ Barkovitch snorted.

‘Yeah.’ Collie hesitated, fumbling for words that wouldn’t reveal that he knew too much. ‘I just figured… since you said you didn’t have any friends, maybe you didn’t have anyone to come back to. Sorry. That was stupid. You probably have family waiting on you.’

Barkovitch only stared at the road ahead. Collie wondered if he would tell him this time. He had never learnt the details.

‘You are too perceptive for your own good, Parker.’ Gary said finally, his voice low. His hand crept up to his neck, scratching the scrubbed-over marks until they bled. ‘You were right the first time, I don’t have a home to go back to. My parents, they… Let’s just say that they didn’t make this place a home. My father’s favorite pastime was beating me. Sometimes the only way to escape was blacking out. And my mother… she never did anything. She just drank, until she drank herself to death. This Walk was my way out. I don’t ever want to go back there. I would rather die here than at my father’s hands.’

Collie’s throat tightened. He never would have guessed that this was Gary’s life. Without thinking, he reached out and caught Gary’s hand, the one that was aggressively scratching at his neck.

‘Stop that’, he said. When Gary didn’t immediately pull his hand away, he released him. Then, he asked, softer. ’What changed? What changed that you want to live?’

‘I— I found someone worth living for.’

Collie’s heart was beating so fast he could practically feel it trying to break out of his chest. 'I am sorry this happened to you. And… thank you for telling me.’

‘Jesus, don’t be such a girl about it, it’s-- fuck’, Gary cut himself off, face twisting in fury at himself. Collie knew what would happen, even before he heard the sharp slap Barkovitch gave himself. One slap, and then a whisper,‘ I’m sorry.’

‘It’s okay.’ Collie said softly. ‘I think you lash out when you get too vulnerable. You feel threatened.’

’And I think you should shut the fuck up.’

So he did. He shut the fuck up, and walked beside Gary, letting the silence stretch. If Gary wanted some space, he could walk away, but he stayed glued to Parker’s side.

‘You want to know what I think?’ Gary suddenly asked. Collie nodded.

‘I think you are not such a saint yourself.’ Gary said, voice low. ‘When you feel vulnerable, you too get so fucking aggressive, man. Like you don't even know your own strength when you grab or shove me. You would rather inflict pain than just admit you care.’

Collie felt naked, seen in a way he had never been before. He did that, didn’t he? Most of the time now it happened when he was trying to stop Barkovitch from doing something stupid. Like harming himself or getting himself killed. Because he cared.

‘I think you like it when I’m rough with you.’ Collie heard himself say. He knew he shouldn’t have said that. Dangerous territory.

‘I think you like leaving your marks on me.’ Gary bit back. Fuck.

They were dancing around the subject anyway. Maybe he could just…

‘I think your favorite color is blue.’

He hated the fear that crossed Gary’s face. He looked like he wanted to run, to hide, to hit himself until he blacked out. But he didn’t deny it. Instead, Barkovitch wrapped his arms around himself and looked down, small and ashamed.

‘And it’s okay.’ Collie said quickly, trying to calm him down, to bring him back from wherever his mind had gone. ‘If it’s true, I mean. It’s okay.’

‘The fuck it is.’ Gary snapped at him, venom dripping from every word. ‘Why do you think my father beat me? Why do you think that nobody ever liked me?’ His voice cracked with hatred. ‘They all saw this… this something, this sickness in me, before even I could. And they tried to— they tried to h-help me, beat it out of me, b-but this is not something I can—’
Gary didn’t finish. His voice shook with emotion and held up tears.

Collie decided to risk it. He stopped walking, putting a hand on Gary’s arm to stop him too. Then, he hugged him. It was a real, full hug. Collie was taller, and he wrapped Barkovitch completely with his arms. He could smell the sweat on Gary’s skin, feel his hair tickling his nose. It was perfect. Collie held him, and Gary let himself be held.

‘Number five! Number forty-eight! First warning!’

He reluctantly released Barkovitch, and they started walking again. It was worth the warning. He would risk even a second or a third one, but for the first time since the fucking loops began, he didn’t want to die.

He caught Barkovitch wiping his cheeks with this sleeve. Collie left his hand on Gary’s shoulder, grounding him, reminding him that he was not alone.

‘So, what about you?’ Barkovitch asked. At Collie’s puzzled expression, he added, ‘Isn’t this how friendships work? I spill some big fucking secret, and now it’s your turn. Any abuse in the family? Someone killed themselves? Come on man, give me something to work with.’

Collie grinned. Gary actually wanted to know more about him.

‘I had this friend,’ he began. He had never shared this story with anyone. ‘When I was a kid. He didn’t live on the reservation, but every summer he would come to visit his family. We were best friends, and it didn’t matter that we only saw each other a few weeks a year.’

Barkovitch listened, curious. Collie slipped his hand to the back of Gary’s neck. A repeat of one of the previous loops. He hoped Gary would allow it this time, instead of getting himself killed.

‘I missed him. More than normal probably. Each summer, from the day he arrived, we were inseparable. We did everything together, but mostly we were fighting. Playfighting. But I loved this. I was always the one to start it, tugging at his hair, shoving him into a river, smearing mud on his face. He was different from all my other friends. He was the only one that I wanted to tease like that.’

He took a deep breath, braced himself. ‘And then one summer, he just… ignored me. Avoided me all summer, hung out with other kids. He never told me why.’ His fingers tightened slightly on Gary’s neck. ’And now, I finally know. He saw this something in me that I couldn’t see myself. And he wanted to get away, as far as possible.’

Barkovitch’s breath hitched. His eyes caught Collie’s, and Collie knew that Gary understood. He reached out and took a strand of Gary’s hair, tugging, not hard enough to hurt him.

‘All this time, all these playfights… I was just tugging at his pigtails. Metaphorically speaking.’ He tugged at Gary’s hair again, to make his point clear. There was no way that Gary could misinterpret anything. Judging from his face, he didn’t, although he still looked at him in disbelief.

‘Was he blonde? Was that who you were talking about during our game?’ Gary asked him.

Collie blinked. He couldn’t believe that Barkovitch could be that clueless… Clueless or cautious. Making sure he wasn’t reading things wrong.

‘No.’ Collie said. ‘He was ginger, actually.’

‘Oh.’ Gary’s voice was soft.

‘Besides, I’m over him now. I haven’t even realized that I liked him like that before today… didn’t even realize I could even want another boy that way.’

‘What changed?’

You. Collie wanted to say it so badly, but he had to remember that Gary was like a scared wild animal. One wrong word, one wrong move and he would lose him.

‘I started to imagine… what it would be like to be with another boy. To touch him…’ Collie let their hands brush together as they walked, fingers occasionally grazing. ‘To be so close to him that he would be all I could smell.’ He subtly leaned into Gary’s side. ‘And what it would feel like to kiss him.‘ He risked a quick glance at Gary’s lips. Plump. Tempting. So fucking pretty.

Barkovitch wasn’t unaffected. His pupils dilated, his breathing quickened, a blush spread across his usually pale face.

‘What--’ he began, but stopped himself, biting his lip. Finally, he let the words out. ‘What else did you imagine?’

Collie almost growled, he was so turned on. He thought that he could come just from talking about the things he wanted to do to Barkovitch.
‘I imagined fucking your throat.’ He decided to ditch the him. They both knew who he meant anyway. ‘I know you would take me so well. You would choke and gag, but you wouldn’t stop, not until I came down your throat.’

Gary groaned at his words, as he palmed himself through the jeans.

‘Fuck, Parker, you can’t say shit like that man—‘

But he was interrupted by Collie leaning close, his breath warm against Gary’s ear. ‘And after I was done, I would lay you down and leave my marks on you, anywhere I wanted. Your neck.’ He grazed his teeth on Gary’s neck, feeling his quickened pulse. He could feel Gary shiver under his touch, and the movement of his hand working on his dick through the pants. ‘Your chest, your legs. Anyone who looked at you could see that you belong to me.’ Collie murmured, his voice low and rough against Gary’s ear. He could feel that Gary was getting close. ’Would you like that? For everyone to see how well fucked you are?’

Gary’s other hand went up to his mouth to muffle the sound of his moan, as he came.

While Gary tried to catch his breath, Collie placed a soft kiss to the top of his head. He was painfully hard against his zipper, and with a few quick strokes, he was also unraveled, the tension leaving his body.

They continued walking, side by side, trying to gather themselves, and figure out what to say now, when the haze had passed and they could think clearly.

‘I have been thinking about you too, you know.’ Gary said with a shaky breath, still red in the face. ‘Since the moment I first saw you getting out of your car, when you arrived.’

Collie caught his shy glance, and smiled at the blonde. He was surprised he hadn’t noticed anything before. But he also hadn’t been looking for it. He really wished, not for the first time, that he had paid more attention to Gary during their first Walk.

‘If everything goes well tomorrow, we will have all the time in the world for you to tell me all about your fantasies… and to make them come true.’

Gary’s lips curved into a small, hesitant smile. ‘Just… promise me that you won’t fucking die tomorrow.’

‘I will try my best.’ Collie couldn’t promise him that, but he sure as hell would try his hardest to stay alive. To keep them both alive.

Collie genuinely hoped it would work out. He wouldn’t survive losing this.

The next morning, the Musketeers huddled together to figure out their plan. Soon, more people joined them, Harkness, even Stebbins. A group that big probably looked suspicious, but they needed numbers.

‘We need to wait for the Major to show up.’ Stebbins said, ‘Take him out while he is here, and end this for good.’

‘How do we know when he will appear?’ Hank asked.

Harkness looked through his notes, and said, ‘From what I’ve gathered, he should show up today around noon. We should be passing through another mile checkpoint by then, so he will show up to congratulate us.’

Everyone nodded. ‘Okay, when he appears, we need to be quick.’ McVries said. ‘No faltering. The guards aren’t supposed to shoot us if we stay on the road and don’t rack up three warnings, but who knows how they will react when attacked.’

Collie remembered his first attempt, when he had attacked the guards. The guards didn’t shoot him, even when he killed one of them. Maybe they were under very strict orders, or maybe they had stopped caring so much they no longer feared dying themselves.

‘We need to remember the Major is also armed.’ Someone added. ‘He will try to stop us and his aim is perfect, everyone knows that.’

‘I will take him down’, Stebbins said at the same time that Garraty did. They looked at each other, surprise written across both their faces.

‘He killed my father.’ Garraty blurted, as his explanation.

‘The Major’s my father. I’m his bastard son.’

Well. That wasn’t something Collie had expected, he never learnt that in any of his previous loops. Nobody else expected this either.

Garraty’s eyes became comically wide, and then stammered, ‘Y-yeah, in that case, well… I guess you have every reason to do it.’

McVries leaned in toward Garraty, and whispered to him something that Collie couldn’t quite hear, but it sounded a lot like you’re not a killer, Ray. You chose well.

So, they waited and walked. The approaching fight seemed to revive their strength, they moved like it was the first day, not the third.

Collie caught Gary’s eyes on him repeatedly and each time Gary realized he had been caught looking, his face flushed a light shade of pink, but he kept looking. He didn’t avert Collie’s eyes anymore. Sometimes, Collie let their hands touch while they walked. Once, he risked grabbing Gary’s hand and squeezing it quickly, in a silent promise — when this ends, I still want you.

When noon came, everything happened in a blur.

They saw the Major approaching, and the chaos erupted. They all split into four different groups, each running in a different direction. The shouted numbers and warnings all blended into one as they stormed their platforms and took their guns. Collie’s eyes constantly searched for Gary. He couldn’t risk losing him now, not now when he wasn’t sure if this loop wasn’t his last. What if he died here and wouldn’t reappear on the ground again, with all his friends alive? What if he survived, but Gary didn’t, leaving him to live the rest of his life knowing that Gary’s death was his fault?

He glimpsed the moment that Stebbins shot the Major. Stebbins said something to his father, but Collie didn’t hear. The Major didn’t look scared. He was too drunk on power to believe that anyone would actually challenge him. So when Stebbins pulled the trigger and the bullet pierced Major’s head, the Major fell, still wearing a stupid smirk.

After that, it went easy. Guards were confused, unsure what to do now, when the Major was dead.

‘Is everyone alright?’ Collie called, looking around. His friends were alright from what he could see. McVries had scratches across his face, and Hank was limping on one leg, but they were alive. They were alive. Relief washed over him.

Then, he heard a scream.

He sprang toward it. He found Baker kneeling over a body, his face stricken. His heart stopped.

As Collie got closer, he saw that the body belonged to Harkness. He was gone. Collie sank to his knees beside Baker, resting a supportive hand on his shoulder.

‘This bullet was supposed to be for me.’ Baker wept. ‘I saw it coming and knew I had no chance to save myself. Then Harkness… He came out of nowhere and he-- he shoved me aside and took the bullet. I don’t know why he would do it.’

Collie’s heart ached for the loss of their friend. But he also recognized Harkness’ bravery. He had never expected that from him, but now, thinking back… He realized that Harkness had always been brave. He persevered, no matter what life threw his way. He had kept walking with a broken foot, for fuck’s sake, instead of giving up. And now he had saved someone’s life.

He took the notebook that was still clutched in Harkness’ hands, and put it in his bag. He would make sure Harkness’ story was remembered, and he was honored like a writer and a hero he was.

A hand touched his arm. He turned and saw Barkovitch. Alive. His hair in disarray, a bruise forming on his eye, but still beautiful and alive. They stepped a few paces aside, giving others privacy when they went to say their goodbyes to Harkness.

Gary looked at him, unsure, like he didn’t know what happened now that they were free to go their own ways. Collie wanted him to believe that he had not changed his mind. He cupped Gary’s face and without a warning, closed the gap between their lips. Barkovitch’s hands immediately found their way to Collie’s hair, clutching him, refusing to let him go. Gary’s lips were chapped, smeared with dust and blood from the fight, but Collie didn’t care. He couldn’t imagine a better kiss. Around them, he thought he heard someone whistling, or retching, or clapping… But it didn’t matter.

When they finally parted, Collie licked Gary’s lips, tasting sweat and blood like it was his favorite meal.

Gary playfully shoved him. ‘Parker, stop it! You are such a freak, what the fuck!’

Collie only laughed, pressing their foreheads together.

‘You don’t even know the half of it.’ He murmured, and Barkovitch’s eyes lit up, eager to hear more. Immediately.

‘What the shit, Barkovitch?’ Hank exclaimed. ‘So what the fuck was your lie in our game, huh? Because it sure as hell looks like after all you are a fa--’

‘My favorite color isn’t yellow, it’s blue.’ Barkovitch cut Olson off.

‘Why didn’t you tell us that yesterday you shithead?’ There was no real anger in his voice, he was grinning at them, happy to be alive.

Olson got distracted by Garraty and McVries who ran up to him, hugging him tightly, glad that their friend had survived.

‘What happens now?’ Barkovitch asked, glancing at Collie.

He remembered Gary’s words from before. I don’t have anywhere to go after this ends.

‘Come home with me.’ He said.

Gary didn’t respond with words. Instead, he attacked Collie’s lips with another kiss, fervent and eager.

Collie felt it in his bones that the loop was finished, but he had no way of knowing for sure. He didn’t want to die to test it. Not now, when he finally had everything he needed.