Archive of Our Own

In his own defense, Eddie thought as he stepped into the restaurant, he had been unbelievably drunk when he had signed up for this.

It had been at some dingy bar with Buck, Hen, and Chimney. The night was mostly a drunken haze but he remembered, in agonising detail, every stranger that had approached Buck. A blonde lady with red finger nails that she dragged slowly up and down Buck’s bicep, a bartender who handed him free shot after free shot, a brunette that had pressed closer than necessary to his chest as she moved past him in the queue. 

It had been frustrating how hard it was to keep Buck’s attention for the duration of even a short conversation. Him and Tommy had broken up ages ago and it was clear that Buck was at least open to taking someone home that night, returning each flirty smile, agreeing to the offers of free drinks with half-lidded, seductive eyes. 

Hen and Chimney just laughed as they watched the display, giggling about some bullshit called ‘Buck 1.0’. It was not Eddie’s idea of a good night but it only became an outright awful night when Buck made his final selection.

The man was tall and broad, all tan skin and dark hair. He was thick and sultry with a too-tight white t-shirt and a dark mustache over his lip. They stood together at the bar chatting openly for a while before the man leaned in and whispered something into Buck’s ear. 

Buck’s alcohol flushed cheeks turned a deeper shade of red as he whispered something back in turn. He looked eager, Eddie thought bitterly. When was the last time Eddie had been even remotely that excited about meeting someone, about the prospect of a date, or sex, or waking up with someone next to him in bed. 

Buck and the unidentified man pulled away from each other slightly as the bartender finally produced Buck’s drinks, she had a sour look on her face as she watched the two men and she didn’t offer any free shots this time. 

Buck gathered the drinks up, mumbling something to the guy before he headed back to the table where his coworkers all sat watching him eagerly. The man stayed at the bar, unsubtly watching Buck’s ass as he walked away. Eddie huffed bitterly into his almost empty beer. 

Buck placed the drinks on the table in a hurry, he was pink and grinning. 

“I’m actually going to head home with David.” He said, averting his gaze as he passed the drinks around. “So you can have my beer, Eds.” 

Eddie’s slight irritation bubbled into something more poignant at that, a sharp flash of frustration. He felt put out in some way like Buck had betrayed him, had been doing this to wind him up.

Chimney and Hen whooped and made some teasing comments which Eddie couldn’t hear over the blood rushing in his ears. 

“You’re going to leave already?” Eddie said before realising he had even opened his mouth, the words dropped like a dead weight, filling the air with a thick tension, but Eddie couldn’t stop himself. “With him?” 

“Yeah, Eds.” Buck was a cute kind of drunk now, affectionate and easy and too willing to let Eddie’s obvious bad mood affect his good one. “I’m going to leave with him.” 

He smirked like it was something to be proud of, like he had caught someone way out of his league, like this was a brag. 

“He looks like an 80s porn star.” Eddie mumbled because apparently he hated himself. 

Hen and Chimney exchanged a look between themselves that Eddie was too drunk to figure out. 

“Yeah, whatever, man.” Buck sounded hurt but he was trying to hide it behind a faux-casualness. “He’s just not your type.” 

It was a joke Eddie realised too late but his mouth had always been faster than his brain and for a brief moment that frustration flashed into something hotter, something meaner. 

“No shit, Buck.” 

It was mean and he knew it but he didn’t really know why it was mean. It sounded too defensive, too targeted, even though there was nothing to defend and there was certainly nothing to target. 

Buck stilled for a moment before he caught up again and let the words roll off his back with an easy smile. 

“Such a lady’s man that you can’t even tell when a guy is objectively hot, huh?” It sounded like a challenge, just the wrong side of teasing. 

Eddie wasn’t really sure what he and Buck were talking about anymore. His brain was feeling fuzzy around the edges. He couldn’t really string together a coherent response to the verbal prod but he knew he wanted to protest. 

He could tell when a guy was hot. A lot of the time he felt more confident in his aesthetic assessment of men than women. He knew when men were good-looking and it was precisely because of that skill that he could tell Buck was insanely, outrageously, impossibly out of that guy’s league. 

But saying any of that felt too much like a confession, felt like dipping into something too deep to be spilled out onto the sticky table of this awful bar. So, he stayed silent and swallowed the words back down with a swig of beer, the last of his bottle. 

“Yeah, I guess so.” He relented at last. 

Buck smiled, it was strained around the edges and he looked about as confused as Eddie felt. With a final wave, Buck left them and returned to his mystery man at the bar. He looked giddy and excited and, as they slunk out together, the man’s hand rested on Buck’s ass. 

Eddie looked away quickly, turning back to his two new bottles of beer. Hen and Chimney watched him in silence for a moment, sipping their drinks carefully. 

Chimney was the first to break. “Okay, what was that?” 

Eddie shrugged. “I just think Buck can do better is all.” 

Hen snorted into the rim of her glass. “Yeah, I bet you think that.” 

Eddie suddenly felt exposed, like his chest was cut open and everyone knew what was going on in there but him. Hen’s eyes were knowing as they scanned his face. It was too much. He didn’t even understand what Hen thought she knew. 

“Was it that guy in particular or do you think it bothers you seeing Buck with anyone?” She asked gently, or as gently as she could whilst drunk beyond all measure. 

Eddie hesitated. He had never liked any of Buck’s partners, that was true, and there had been enough of them that it was more than coincidence, distinctly in ‘pattern’ territory, but these recent flings had more than annoyed him. Some unidentifiable emotion filled him every time Buck came to work with a new hickey or a new contact saved in his phone. 

Maybe, it dawned on Eddie slowly, he hated seeing Buck get so much because he wasn’t getting any. Eddie hadn’t been on a date in months.

“You think I’m jealous?” 

Jealous that Buck has such success and I’m still alone, still single, and by all measures that matter: completely undateable. 

Hen raised her hands in mock surrender. “I don’t think anything. It’s about what you think.” 

This was officially too much for Eddie’s drunk, scrambled brain. 

“I think I need a piss.” 

Hen laughed. “That’s a good start.” 

He slunk out of the booth, ignoring the excited, hushed conversation he could hear start up between Chimney and Hen as he slipped through the crowd and made a beeline to the toilet. The privacy was welcome and Eddie took a steadying breath as he locked himself in the cubicle. 

Buck was getting dates. That annoyed Eddie because he wasn’t getting any dates. That made sense. That was logical, Eddie thought proudly, shove that Frank, he was a pro at figuring out his feelings. 

Even better, this was a problem with an easy solution: get a date. 

Eddie sat on the toilet, drunk and proud of himself for figuring out an emotional issue basically all by himself. He pulled out his phone and typed ‘dating events near me’. 

A million results popped up so Eddie narrowed his search: over 30, serious connections, easy to sign up. 

He found a speed dating event on Friday at an Italian restaurant near him, perfect. The rest was a blur. He presumably filled in a preferences form, filled in some information about him, but the next thing he remembered was waking up in his bed, alone and with a thumping head. 

Buck came into work with a hickey on his neck that had Eddie’s frustration bubbling but he swallowed it down with the memory of his Friday plans. It was kind of embarrassing, definitely not something Eddie would ever sign up for sober, but there was something almost optimistic blooming in his chest. 

His jealousy about Buck’s successful love life had caused something of a strain over the past few weeks. The idea of going on a couple of dates and making good with Buck was warming. 

He didn’t realise his mistake until he was already at the restaurant on Friday, five minutes late and slightly nervous. However, those nerves took a jump into the deep end and turned into full blown anxiety when he read the welcome banner by the sign in sheet. 

‘Palazzo’s Monthly Bisexual Speed Dating Event’ 

Eddie’s mouth went dry, his chest felt like it had been carved out of ice, frozen and unmoving. Holy shit, he had fucked up. Before he could unstick himself from the floor and slink out of the door, a member of staff noticed him. 

“Hi! Have you already signed up for the speed-dating event?” 

Eddie’s tongue was lead in his mouth. All he could do, instinctively and stupidly, was nod. 

“Great, what name is it?” 

His tongue unstuck slightly. “Diaz. Eddie Diaz.” 

She smiled as she ticked something on her clipboard. Suddenly, painfully, Eddie thought of Buck and his stupidly endearing clipboard persona. Everyone else hated it but he loved how focused he was, his half-joking, half-serious bossiness, the furrow in his brow as he double and triple-checked every item on the list. 

“Great. You’ll be starting on table 23” 

The restaurant was huge and all of the tables,separated to seat only two, were full. The lady showed him to his seat. He was so nervous that he tripped over his own feet twice before he made it to his seat. He lowered himself carefully, already flushed and twitching with nervous energy. 

“Hey. I’m Christi.” It was a dark-haired woman sitting opposite him. 

A woman. Familiar territory, but not necessarily solid ground. He had dated women before and it was precisely that experience which told him he was going to be absolutely terrible at this. He hesitated for a moment, words stuck in his throat. 

“I’m Eddie.” 

The conversation was harmless, awkward but a practiced kind of awkward that Eddie was used to. There were no horrendous horror stories or glaring red-flags, just normal, awful first date small talk. His next three dates were much the same, beautiful women that he couldn’t muster up the energy to be interested in. 

It was awful. He wanted to shoot his past self in the head for thinking this was a good idea, for being so stupid to be proud of himself for coming up with it. Eddie could barely date women he knew and cared about, nevermind strangers. 

The fourth date presented a new issue. It was a man sitting opposite him. He was lithe and fair, all long, slender features. His eyes were dark as they glanced Eddie up and down appraisingly. It shouldn’t have been a shock: this was an event for bisexuals of course there would be a possibility that a man would be attracted to him. 

It wasn’t exactly unwelcome, the attention, but it was still somehow surprising. Eddie had assumed it would be obvious to the first man that sat opposite him that they were on a date with a straight man, that Eddie had no romantic interest in the same sex. 

The man, Sam, rubbed his foot up against Eddie’s shin seductively. Apparently not.

The conversation somehow switched to exes. Not good first date material, Eddie thought ruefully, as Sam explained how his most recent ex had needed near constant assurance and attention. Sam sounded annoyed but Eddie thought it sounded sweet. 

“Buck can be a bit like that too. I don’t mind though. It’s nice to feel needed sometimes.” 

“Buck?” 

Eddie froze. It was rare he talked to people who didn’t know Buck, who didn’t know they came as a package deal. It was impossible to explain their relationship to someone who had never met Buck in person. A co-worker? A friend? A co-parent? 

“This guy I know.” Eddie settled on, neutral, inconspicuous, not at all weird and evasive. 

“Okay.” Sam scoffed. “A guy.”

Eddie suddenly had the sense they had gotten wrong-footed somewhere. He didn’t know how to right that or even why he had the compulsion to. It was a speed date with a guy he wasn’t attracted to. When the buzzer signalled for them to move round it was a relief.

Sam slunk off, not looking too unhappy at the prospect of fleeing the scene of disaster which Eddie inevitably caused at every date he went on. Eddie didn’t watch him leave, focused instead on fiddling with his cloth napkin which had started the evening neatly folded but was now a crumpled mess. 

A hand clasped on his shoulder with a comfortable familiarity that jerked Eddie out of his stupor. He spun around, heart racing in his chest. 

Buck stood over him, smiling that easy smile and wearing that nice blue jumper that matched his eyes. 

“Buck?” It came out choked and pathetic. 

Buck laughed like this wasn’t the most embarrassing thing that ever happened. 

Buck chuckled. “Hey.” He lowered himself into the chair. He looked confused but also somewhat pleased, cheeks pink and Eyes fond.  “I didn’t think you would come to an event like this.” 

“I didn’t mean to.” Eddie comes out with all at once, words bursting out of his mouth. “I signed up when I was drunk. I didn’t know it was for bisexuals.”

Buck blinked slowly before he burst out laughing. 

“This is so embarrassing.” Eddie groans as he covers his face with his hands. “Please don’t tell Chimney. The entire population of LA will know by Monday.” 

Buck’s laugh began to settle, calming from hysterical to a chuckle. 

“I promise.” He wipes a tear from his eyes. “This is just so typical. You really can’t date to save your life.” 

Although true, the joke makes Eddie feel affronted. 

“Oh yeah? Ask Sam, he seemed plenty charmed by me.” 

“Your last date?” Buck laughed. “He ran out on you like his chair was on fire.” 

“That would probably have been preferable. At least then I could show off some sexy firefighter moves.” 

“Oh? You’re a sexy fireman now? I don’t remember seeing you in the calendar this year.” 

Buck’s tone was slightly too smooth for regular teasing, lilting and deep as he gazed at Eddie in a way that felt incredibly loaded. 

“Oh no. I like to keep all this,” He gestured to himself and Buck’s eyes followed the movement. “Private for a select audience.” 

Buck’s pink tongue darted across his lips almost nervously as his gaze suddenly yanked away from Eddie, starting at a point just past him. 

“Did that guy know you’re not bisexual?” Buck asked at last. His voice is intentionally kept light, an effort which just makes the question sound awkward rather than curious. 

“Nah. I thought that might be a bit too much of an effort to explain in 20 minutes. Besides, I’m pretty good at faking it.” It sounds just a touch too raw to be just a joke. The honesty of it had his throat burning and his hands twitching slightly. 

Buck’s eyes met his over the flickering candlelight. Maybe he sensed something uncomfortable in Eddie because, as if it's the easiest thing in the world, Buck forced himself to relax. His gaze turned from calculating to the sort of casual fondness that Eddie was used to. 

“Oh are you?” Buck leaned back in his chair, arms folded over his chest, stretching the fabric of his jumper impossible tighter over his biceps. “Why don’t you show me some of your moves, lover boy?” 

The pet name leaves Eddie’s mouth dry but he is pathetically grateful that Buck is keeping this in the realm of jokes. He doesn’t ask why Eddie stayed after realising what the date was. He doesn’t push Eddie to tell him why Sam didn’t know he was straight. Doesn’t ask why Sam left the date,so clearly relieved it was over. 

He simply smiled at Eddie like there’s nothing he cares about other than their conversation, their little candlelit corner of the world which no one else is privy to. 

“I don’t think you can handle me, Buck. Besides, I shaved off my mustache ages ago, am I even your type anymore?” 

Buck’s eyes widened and his cheeks went pink enough that even in the dim lighting Eddie could tell they would be warm to the touch. He’s touched a nerve, stepped on some landmine he has no idea how to defuse. 

But Buck’s relaxing again like he was never tense in the first place. “No. To be honest, you’re not quite my type. I’m into athletic men.” 

He smirked as Eddie blustered. 

“I’ll remember you said that next time you need someone to climb a ladder and haul your unconscious body down.” 

Buck clutched his chest, wounded. “Ouch! I had just been struck by lightning.” 

“Didn’t make your heavy ass any lighter.”

Buck fluttered his eyelashes and clasped his hands together sweetly. “You really think my ass is heavy?” His tone was overly saccharine and teasing. 

Eddie fixed him with his best attempt at an unimpressed glare but the corners of his lips twitched up in amusement as Buck continued talking about the weight of his ass. 

The conversation continued, toeing that fine line between teasing and flirting in a way that had Eddie’s skin feeling electrified. This isn’t new. It’s not even rare. Him and Buck talk like this every day but things feel like they’ve shifted slightly. 

Buck’s blue eyes are almost glowing in the warm light of the candle. His lips are pink and plump. The birthmark suddenly becomes more than just endearing: it becomes an object of intense focus to Eddie’s eyes. 

He wanted to kiss it and tangle his fingers in Buck’s curls, pull his face back and press kisses to his lips, his throat, his collarbone, lower and lower until it all became too much. He wished the compulsion shocked him, that this was some sudden sexual awakening, but with a shuddering feeling of humiliation, Eddie realises he’s had these thoughts before. 

When they’re both pressed into his too-small couch, shoulder to shoulder, Eddie always wants to press a kiss to Buck’s cheek, to remove the crumb of popcorn of his lip with a gentle thumb. When they change at the same time in the locker room, his gaze has always lingered, tracing the fine fibers of Buck’s muscles like a cartographer committing everything to memory. 

These impulses weren’t new or strange or surprising and maybe that was worse. When the buzzer went off again and Buck left him, Eddie was sad to see him go but grateful that with his back turned he could stare at his ass. 

Buck glanced back before he took his next seat, smirk dancing on his lips as if he knew he would catch Eddie rehanded. Was it obvious to everyone? Did everyone already know that Eddie had some psychosexual obsession with his best friend that culminated in some very not-straight fantasies? 

The thought scared him, made him feel exposed. Hen and Chimney had clearly understood something more than him in that bar last night. Buck had known enough to turn back and catch Eddie checking out his ass. 

After that point, Eddie stopped trying on his other dates. He answered questions and asked perfunctory ones of his own but he never went beyond a polite detachment. The evening stretched on and soon Buck was sitting on a table near Eddie again, his big form just visible in his peripheral vision. 

He looked like he was having a better time than Eddie, smiling and laughing with open body language. That feeling was back, that unpleasant burn of jealousy that had made him sign up for this event in the first place but now he had the pieces to understand what was actually going on. 

He wasn’t jealous of Buck and his easy flirtiness, his romantic successes, his ability to have casual sex and not have a panic attack about God’s watchful eye. 

Like the looming shadow of a raincloud, Eddie realised what Hen had been trying to get him to understand, what she thought he had come to terms with. He was jealous of the people on the dates with Buck, the man that slipped out of the bar with him with their hands on his ass, who could touch him freely without freezing up, the ladies that would openly chase him. 

And he was pissed at Buck for returning their attention. 

Pissed as if he had some sort of claim over Buck. As this realisation dawned on him, filling his chest with something hot and spiraling, Buck’s eyes caught his from across the restaurant. He smiled, blue eyes crinkling at the corner and cheeks dimpling. 

Eddie tried to smile back but it felt like more of a grimace and if Buck’s snort of amusement was anything to go by, it probably looked like one as well. Buck turned back to his date but Eddie couldn’t tear his eyes from him. 

This, Eddie decided then, clenching his napkin like a lifeline, is really fucking bad. 

By the time the speed-dating portion was over and the worker announced the beginning of the free mingle section, Eddie was ready to go home. He had shit to figure out. So much shit. 

But Buck found him, slinking through the crowd with too much delicacy for such a big guy. 

“You owe me a beer.” Buck smiled. 

Eddie’s chest lightened and suddenly leaving didn’t sound all that appealing. “Yeah. I guess I do.” 

Later, tucked into the corner of the restaurant, now alive with the chatter of drunken groups, Eddie realised that Buck, who had genuinely come to this event to find a date, had searched through the crowd to find Eddie. 

Buck, all charismatic and friendly, certainly must have had a few good dates, people he wanted to talk to again, had chosen to find him, to tuck himself away in the corner with Eddie, something he could do any other day of the week. 

Eddie felt light and warm. 

“I think I want to talk to you about something.” 

Buck seemed startled by the serious tone. “Yeah, for sure. You can talk to me about anything.” 

And Eddie knew that. He didn’t think he would ever trust someone like he trusted Buck but he did. All those delicate scraps of himself that he hadn’t even realised he had been hiding, he knew they would be safe with Buck. 

“Can we go back to mine?” 

Buck agreed easily and ordered the Uber as they slipped to the front of the restaurant. 

They passed Sam on the way. He was standing with a tall, dark-haired woman, her eyes settled on Buck, fond and teasing. 

“Bringing someone back are we, Buck? Don’t let Eddie find out.” 

Buck was suddenly bright red and rigid, choking something out. Sam looked like he had just watched a car crash, mouth agape and frozen. 

“Marie,” He hissed. “That is Eddie.” 

Marie’s face crumpled in confusion before realisation hit her. “Oh shit.” She giggled. “What are the chances?” 

Buck mumbled some token platitude and a farewell before he continued to lead Eddie out of the restaurant and to the street where they waited for the Uber. He looked embarrassed.

“What was that about?” Eddie asked at last. “How did she know my name?” 

Buck sighed, eyes pleading with him to drop it but when Eddie didn’t relent, he spoke. 

“I have this tendency to talk about you on dates.” He doesn’t offer any further explanation, turning his gaze back to the road. 

“What?” Eddie almost laughed.

“Yeah, like, I talk about you a lot, I guess.” Buck tried to shrug it off but when Eddie pressed again he continued. “Our lives are so interconnected that I can’t really talk about myself without talking about you and I guess when I mention Christopher or the whole living in your house situation people assume we’re… you know.” 

He gestured between them. Eddie arched an eyebrow before he managed to fill in the blank. 

“Oh… they think we’re like… together.” 

Buck nodded sullenly. “And I guess I don’t always correct the assumption.” 

“Why.” 

Buck shrugged again. It felt loaded and Eddie selfishly was hoping that they would focus on his sexual crisis tonight so he didn’t pry for any more information. The Uber pulled up and by the time they’re back at Eddie’s house, he felt a very unusual mix of anxious and relaxed. 

He knew Buck would be fine with it. He knew he could trust Buck. 

It’s more himself that he was worried about. He had never been very good at self-investigation, at sorting through the slightly muddier parts of his mind and heart. There’s no easy answer for what he’s questioning, nothing that really makes sense of him and all his baggage. 

“I had a date with a man today.” Eddie began as they stood in his living room. 

Eddie does not mention that he is talking about Buck, allowing him to assume it was one of his other partners over the course of the night. 

Buck huffed a laugh. 

“It was nice.” 

Buck did not laugh that time. Suddenly his eyes were very serious and very careful. 

Eddie continued. 

“I don’t think I’ve ever felt good or relaxed like that on a date with a woman before.” 

Buck’s trying to keep up, he can tell. He’s trying to be gentle with Eddie but he’s confused. He’s unsure what to do.

“I just feel like Schrodinger’s box, you know?” Buck nodded along dumbly, his face flushed and his eyes slightly concerned but his eyebrows furrowed like he’s at least trying to listen seriously. “There’s this thing inside me and I don’t know what fucking state it’s in and I’m so scared to open myself up and find out.” 

Eddie took a heaving breath, running a hand through his disheveled hair, a movement Buck followed with eyes. 

“Like what if I open it up and there’s a dead cat in there: just… the rotting carcass of all my failed relationships in a stinking pile.” 

Buck held a hand up. “Woah, okay let’s slow down. So in this metaphor, the dead cat is…” he hesitated. “Being gay?” 

Eddie’s eyes all of a sudden felt warm and wet and his chest was compressing just a tiny bit. He nodded slowly. Buck sighs a heavy sigh. 

“Look, I don’t really know what’s going through your mind at the moment but the thing is, if there is a dead cat in there,” he poked Eddie in the stomach. “You should probably clear it out.” 

“How?” Eddie’s voice was cracked and strained. His eyes were wide and shining. 

“Kissing a guy did it for me.” Buck shrugged nonchalantly before he realised the weight of his words. 

The air in Eddie’s living room was suddenly thick and dense, almost humid with tension. Eddie was silent but his eyes didn't leave Buck’s. Buck’s mouth went dry all at once. 

“I could–” Buck offered. 

At the same time Eddie began to ask “Would you–” 

Neither managed to finish their sentence but an understanding passed between them. 

Buck smiled softly, bringing a tender hand up to rest on Eddie’s bicep. “Yeah of course. If you’re sure?” 

Eddie steeled himself. “Let’s do this.” 

Not the most flattering reaction to the proposal of a kiss, Buck thought, but he didn’t mind. Eddie could spit in his face and he’d probably forgive him within an hour. 

They went in slowly, lips pressed gently together, warm and soft. Eddie was stiff at first, so restrained Buck almost pulled back, calling the whole stupid experiment off, but then Eddie melted into him, becoming pliant in his arms. 

The kiss opened up, hot and heavy. It stayed slow but certainly not chaste. One of Eddie’s hands rested on Buck’s face, finding its place on the rough impression of his poorly-shaven stubble, his cheek hot under his palm. 

Eddie’s tongue slipped into his mouth and all of a sudden it wasn't some half-arsed kiss to figure out Eddie’s sexuality. It was hungry and desperate and close. They pulled each other impossibly closer, hands clutching whatever flesh they could find, mouth on mouth, chest pressed to chest. 

Eddie reluctantly pulled away for air after a few minutes of entanglement, panting and flushed. His lips were shining with saliva and he couldn't tear his eyes from Buck’s lips, already eager for seconds. 

“Holy shit, that cat is so dead.” He murmurs huskily, bringing their faces together once more. 

“This metaphor is so unsexy.” 

But it doesn’t stop him leaning in to the kiss, eager and needy. The movement of their lips was almost groping, hungrily seeking for more as if they both haven’t already offered up everything they have. Buck’s hands grabbed Eddie’s waist. His shirt had ridden up slightly and Buck’s thumb slipped under the gap, slowly rubbing up and down Eddie’s hips, careful and exploring.

Eddie moaned into the kiss and pressed closer to Buck and suddenly, with his groin pressed against Eddie’s thigh, Buck realised he was painfully, embarrassingly hard. He ripped himself  away, gasping for air, Eddie half chased his mouth, lips lingering until only a string of saliva connected them. 

Buck was panting for air as he pulled away. Eddie surely must have felt his hardness pressed against his thigh, felt the undeniable physical proof that Buck wanted slightly more than an experimental kiss. 

He had just been kissing Eddie and he still wanted more, wanted to take Eddie again and again and again until their lips were swollen and blue, until they slipped into the bedroom and Buck could slowly work him apart in so many different ways. 

But, that was not what Eddie had asked for. He had asked for a kiss, not Buck’s needy, horny brain to cling to the idea of more. 

“Sorry.” Buck laughed, it was strained and awkward. “Guess I’m a bit more pent up than I realised.” 

Eddie’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion before he glanced down to the obvious growing issue in Buck’s pants. 

“Yeah, me too.” Eddie’s voice was high and breathless. 

Buck looked down and noticed, for the first time, the strain to Eddie’s pants around his groin. Eddie looked wrecked and it was almost too much for Buck to bear. Buck realised he hadn’t removed his hands from Eddie’s waist. 

He gently lifted his hands. The air feels so cold after he had just gotten accustomed to the searing heat of Eddie’s skin under his. Eddie’s eyebrows arched in confusion, lips parted as he caught his breath. 

“You don’t have to be embarrassed. I’m hard as a rock.” Eddie mumbled, face flushing impossibly redder. 

Buck hesitated a moment. It’s hard to maintain eye contact with Eddie’s wide, shining eye, but it's impossible to look away once caught. 

“I should probably go. I’m glad you figured out your Schrodinger situation.” He said at last, pulling further away and trying for a joke to cut through some of the tension. “I need to deal with this before it explodes.” 

Eddie snorted and rolled his eyes. “Gross.” But his tone was fond and for a moment Buck thought maybe he would be fine if they slipped back into the practiced routine of best friends. Then, Eddie speaks again. “I could help you with it if you want.” 

Buck’s dick processed the words before his brain did, perking up and straining against the confines of his pants. Holy shit.

Eddie, breathless, disheveled and flushed at the hands of Buck, was offering to help him out with his boner. The thought alone could tip Buck over the edge. Just the offer, husky and seductive, was enough to fuel Buck’s wet dreams for months. 

Taking him up on that offer is another matter. There was no limit to how much Buck wants, how much he needs. Eddie might offer him a quick handjob but Buck wouldn’t be able to keep at that. He would always be left wanting more. 

It would be like giving a man lost in the desert a drop of water. Maybe he would be grateful at first, thankful that someone had even tried to help him out, but it would never be enough and soon he would just be wishing he never got that drop if it meant he could just curl up and die a bit quicker. 

“Eddie,” Buck tried for nonchalant but it just came out tense and weird. Eddie’s eyebrows furrowed in concern so Buck steadied himself. “I don’t think this could be casual for me. I can’t– I can’t be casual about you.” 

“When have we ever been casual about each other, Buck?” Eddie tried, voice soft with gentle amusement. “God, we’re basically raising a kid together.” 

“Exactly!” Buck burst out all at once. “I couldn’t handle it if that changed. If we did this and all of a sudden it became weird and awkward and you wouldn’t want me around as much or taking care of Christopher.” 

“Buck that would never–” 

“I know you would never actually do that to me but, if you knew, things would change. You wouldn’t mean them to but you wouldn’t be able to deal with all this.” He gestured to himself, his tense, shaking body. 

Eddie stilled. He looked hurt, Buck realised, and he wanted to shove all those words back into his throat, choke on them if that would make it up to him. 

“If I knew what, Buck?”

The jig is up, Buck thought with a shuddering misery. 

“I love you.” 

Eddie smiled like he's relieved. “I love you too, man. We’ve both said that befor–” 

“No. I’m in love with you.” Eddie’s eyes flashed wide with surprise. “I wouldn’t be content with a one-night handjob that we pretend never happened the next morning. I couldn’t do that to myself and survive.” 

Eddie stayed frozen, mouth agape and hands still at his side. 

“You don’t have to say anything. I get that this is a lot to drop on your best friend so I’m just going to go home okay. Pretend I never said anything.” 

Eddie didn’t respond, completely motionless, as Buck began to slink away. He was slipping past Eddie when a hand grabbed at his. 

“What if I don’t want to pretend?” Eddie’s tone was sharp and unfaltering. 

Buck could almost hear his chest collapse in on itself, his heart crushed under the pressure of his rapidly constricting lungs. 

“The kiss doesn’t have to change anything. I promise, we can just forget I ever said something. We can go back to normal. I just can’t– I can’t take anymore and pretend it wouldn’t change things for me.” 

Then, Eddie is dragging him closer and their lips are together again. Buck, ever the masochist leaned into the kiss like a starved man, taking whatever Eddie gives him gratefully. 

Eddie separated them and then mumbled, breath hot on Buck’s lips. “I don’t want to forget, Buck.” 

“Eddie, didn’t you hear what I said? I can’t–” Buck’s frustration was bubbling and acidic in his chest, corrosively tearing down any walls he might have still had left. 

“I’m in love with you.” Eddie interrupted suddenly. His eyes were staring directly into Buck’s. 

“You don’t know that.” 

“I do.” Eddie sounded so certain that Buck wanted to cave to him instantly but he knew he couldn't.  

“You only found out you were gay like three kisses ago.” 

“I’ve known I was in love with you way before I knew I was gay.” 

“That doesn’t even make sense.” Buck wanted to peel away again: to stop this weird humiliation ritual he’s caught himself in but Eddie catches his hand again. 

“It doesn’t,” Eddie agreed easily. “But it’s true. I think since the first day I met you I’ve known. You’re like the secret, second dead cat in my box.” 

A laugh burst out of Buck all at once, loud and breathless and warm in his chest. It’s absurd and kind of disgusting but it’s also Eddie. Eddie is looking at him and telling him he loves him, that he’s in love with him. 

It’s too much and it’s not enough and Buck wanted to kiss him again. The tension left his body, slipping out of his skin like he had just slid into a warm bath. He feels drunk, he probably still is a little bit, but the buzz under his skin can’t be explained by the four beers he had in the restaurant. 

“What are you even saying?” Buck said through laughs. “Where did you learn to flirt?” 

“Oh, this is all natural charm. No lessons required: an Edmundo Diaz special.” 

“So,” Buck leaned in again, batting his eyelashes in a cartoonishly flirty way. “Since the first day, huh?” 

“Oh yeah. That dead cat is fully rotted by now.” 

“I think this analogy should probably die already.” Eddie’s eyes were shining with amusement and Buck just wanted to claim his lips again. 

Eddie, ever the mind-reader, pressed himself against Buck all at once. Their lips slotted together. It was soft and gentle, Eddie’s hands holding Buck’s shoulders like he’s something delicate and precious. Buck’s hands slotted back to Eddie’s hips, fitting perfectly to the shape of his waist and things feel right again. 

“I love you so much.” Eddie breathed out between kisses and the hardness which had almost been forgotten stands to attention again with an almost impressive renewed vigour. “Are you going to let me help with that this time? Or are you going to freak out again?” 

Buck thrust his hips forward eagerly. “Only if you let me return the favour.” 

Eddie dragged him to the bedroom. It took much longer than it should. Stops to press one another against the wall and take the other’s mouth again and again were far too frequent and also, Buck thinks as Eddie pulls off him once more, nowhere near frequent enough. 

They reached the bedroom in a tangle of limbs. Both shirts had been lost somewhere along the way and Buck’s trousers were around his ankles. Eddie sat on the edge of the bed and looked Buck up and down. 

Buck’s dick strained against the soft fabric of his boxers, already leaking precum, leaving a darkened wet patch where the tip meets fabric. He hooked his fingers under the elastic waistband, slowly and carefully dragging the covering off. 

His dick was barely even out yet, just a flash of pubic hair peaking out the top and the very base of his cock, but Eddie looked so enraptured it was hard not to get a big head. Buck left his boxers half on for a moment, leaning in to steal a kiss from Eddie’s open mouth. 

As he pulled off he lent into Eddie’s ear. “Like what you see, Diaz?” 

He tries to do that deep, husky thing with his voice but he’s not sure it lands until Eddie is spinning to face him, taking his mouth again. It's definitely their messiest kiss, saliva drips down Buck’s chin and Eddie bites his lip as he leans away. 

“I want to see the rest.” Eddie said, voice thick with arousal. 

Buck complied readily, slipping his boxers fully off. Eddie watched him with dark, needy eyes. His cock was almost painfully hard, leaking and twitching. Eddie took Buck by the hips, grip firm and steadying, pulling him closer until Buck was sat on his lap, legs spread and his cock pressed against Eddie’s own impressive hardness, as of yet still hidden under layers of fabric. 

Eddie stared for a moment before he spat onto his own hand and reached down and, oh fuck, his hand was on Buck’s dick, warm and firm and oh so good. He didn’t move just yet, just wrapped his hand around it, rubbing a teasing thumb over the slit. 

And look, Buck’s had many handjobs over the course of his life, but Eddie’s steady hand gripping his cock feels like a divine revelation. No amount of halfhearted teenage handjobs could have prepared him for Eddie’s satisfied smirk as he started to move his hand up and down the length of Buck’s cock. 

He started torturously slow but even at a snail’s pace it feels like too much. Eddie moved with a steady rhythm, taking in the length of Buck with a calm curiosity before he sped up. It never reached anything Buck would describe as fast. 

It wasn’t a hard, guilty, ‘let’s get the job done’, handjob. It was somehow tender and careful. When Eddie sped up again, Buck bit back a moan, burying his face in Eddie’s shoulder.

He almost wanted to bite, mark Eddie as his but that would probably be a disproportionate reaction to a handjob so instead he allowed himself to melt into a moaning mess in the crook of Eddie’s neck. 

Eddie didn’t bring him to orgasm quickly. Everytime Buck got close Eddie seemed to sense it and slowed his hand down until it was almost still, just a warm, steady grip on Buck’s throbbing dick. Buck rutted fruitlessly into his hand, hoping to create any sort of friction. As he moved, he could feel himself rub against Eddie’s own hardness. 

“Please, Eddie.” Buck managed between pants and moans. 

Eddie pressed a kiss to Buck’s exposed neck and finally, finally complied. His hand steadily sped up, jerking and gripping him so steadily that after a couple of strokes Buck felt himself getting dangerously close. 

He barely had time to warn Eddie before he was spilling himself all over both of their bare chests. It was warm and sticky on his naked flesh and there was absolutely no post-nut clarity because Buck still wants more. 

He rode his orgasm out, allowing the last tendrils of pleasure to slowly fade from his softening cock. Buck was panting hot heavy into Eddie’s neck, keeping himself upright only through his tight grip on the bedsheets. 

“Good?” Eddie asked, bemused but when Buck pulled off his shoulder to look him in the eyes, to kiss him again, he realised there’s also something vulnerable deep inside that question. “I’ve never been with a guy before but I know how to give a handjob.” He chuckled self-depricatingly. 

“Fuck yeah you do.” 

Eddie smiled like Buck had just told him something sweet and loving: not that Eddie’s hand on his dick had felt like a revelation. Eddie’s eyes were dark with need and his hair is wild, throat bobbing as Buck begins to pull himself off his lap. 

“Time to return the favour.” Buck winked as he folded himself down onto his knees and found a place between Eddie’s thighs. 

Even whilst Eddie’s cock is still covered, that position, desperate and pliable between Eddie’s toned, thick legs, is enough to have drool pooling at the bottom of Buck’s mouth. 

“Holy shit.” Eddie mumbled to himself, running a hand through his hair. “You’re gonna-” 

He cut himself off with a heaving pant. 

Buck finished for him, “I’m gonna blow you. If that’s what you want.” 

Eddie nodded eagerly, fumbling with his zipper for a moment and then slipping his trousers to his knees. Buck did the rest, dragging the fabric down to his feet before he tossed it to some random corner of the bedroom. 

And holy shit, if Buck thought he had been hard, Eddie was a whole other level. Under the thin fabric of his boxers, Buck could make out the very definite outline of Eddie’s dick, thick and rigid. 

Buck shuffled on his knees, drawing himself closer. He placed his hands on the warm flesh of Eddie’s thighs, steadying himself before he brought his mouth to Eddie’s still covered groin. He pressed his tongue to the impression of Eddie’s balls before he took them into his mouth. 

He sucked teasingly on them through the fabric, tongue slowly moving up and down. Eddie moaned out some expletives and Buck felt him lean back slightly, thighs twitching under Buck’s hold. Buck appreciated the weight of Eddie’s balls in his mouth for a moment before moving his mouth slowly across the length of Eddie’s cock. 

The fabric became wet under Buck’s slow work, damp and hot with saliva and precum. Buck looked up to Eddie, staring into those deep brown eyes, as he slowly licked his leaking tip, precum soaking through the now thoroughly soaked material. 

“Holy shit, Buck.” Eddie sounded impatient and desperate. His hands were scrambling to knot themselves deeper in the bedsheets. 

Buck placed a final kiss to the tip before he pulled at the waistband, banishing the boxers like he did the trousers. Eddie’s dick stood up once freed, thick and dark and wet. Buck almost licked his lips before he went in. 

He started with a slow lick up the underside, taking in the savory taste of Eddie’s sweat and the sensation of Eddie throbbing on his tongue. He took his time making his way to the tip but when he got there he looked up to Eddie who looked half-mad with need, hips twitching so much, Eddie’s ass nearly left the bed. 

He’s waited long enough, Buck decided.

He placed one final kiss on the tip before he opened his mouth fully and slipped down Eddie’s length. Eddie’s heat filled his mouth as Buck hollowed his cheeks and took him deeper. Eddie was suddenly very, very still, allowing Buck to do whatever he wanted. 

Buck took that responsibility very seriously and once he was accustomed to the thick heaviness in his mouth he slid further forward until his nose was buried in the dark, thick bush of Eddie’s pubic hair. Buck rested there for a moment, relaxing his bobbing throat around the intrusion. 

Eddie’s hands found their way to Buck’s hair, they didn't move him, just held, warm against his scalp. Buck felt his throat relax and started to move, bringing his mouth back until he's almost back at the tip, hand wrapping around the exposed flesh of Eddie’s cock that leaves his lips. 

Then, he was back down again, Eddie deep in his throat. Eddie’s hands tightened in his hair and Buck moaned heavily around Eddie’s cock. The vibrations caused a reciprocating moan from Eddie. It was deeper than Buck’s sounds, rough and throaty rather than the high, needy noises Buck makes. 

It’s probably the sexiest sound Buck has ever heard. 

He began to move with more rhythm, bobbing and sucking as his saliva drools out of his mouth. His chin was wet and his eyes instinctively brim with crocodile tears as he took Eddie into his throat again and again but Buck didn’t give a single fuck about his dignity. 

Not when Eddie Diaz is breathless and moaning, dick twitching in Buck’s mouth. 

Eddie was close. Buck could feel it and a dark, horny part of himself was excited to swallow, to look up at Eddie as he took his cum down his throat eagerly. The thought gave him a renewed vigour and he brought his hand up to fondle Eddie’s balls as he bobbed his head up and down with a new passion. 

Eddie was a moaning mess by then. His legs were almost trembling. I did that, Buck thought proudly, as Eddie clenched his eyes shut and bit his lip. 

“Buck, I’m going to cum.” Eddie’s hands tried to guide him off his cock but the thought of Eddie finishing anywhere other than Buck’s mouth was too depressing to entertain so Buck tried to communicate with his eyes as best as he could what he wanted. Eddie, the mind reader, lets out a shuddering breath. “Holy shit, okay.” 

Eddie’s warning was accurate and before long he was finishing in Buck’s mouth, salty and hot on his tongue. Eddie slowly dragged himself out of Buck’s mouth and watched with an unreadable expression as Buck swallowed his seed down. 

“Fuck, Buck.” His voice was breathy and high as Buck raised himself up again, shaking his now numb legs out slightly. “Now I feel extremely bad about my handjob.” 

“You don’t see me complaining do you?” Buck murmured,voice raw and slightly hoarse, before he took Eddie by the back of the neck and claimed his lips. 

Their open mouths fit together, tongues slipping into another’s mouths, moving heads in unison to try out every possible angle of investigation. They pulled away reluctantly. 

“Sorry, I just realised you could probably taste some cum in there.” 

It was not a sexy line, not even remotely. In fact, it was really quite disgusting but Eddie swallowed like Buck offered to blow him again. 

“I don’t mind.” He said hoarsely. “I don’t mind anything with you.” 

It was more honest and tender than any man who had just come in Buck’s mouth had ever been and it makes Buck’s heart ache with something painfully vulnerable. He wanted to kiss Eddie stupid, to explore every inch of his ridiculously toned body, to stay up all night and talk about all things that they were too scared of before. 

Eddie watched him with an open, fond gaze and for the first time in his life Buck doesn’t feel like he’s in a rush, like he’s got to take what he can get whilst it’s still on offer. Eddie’s hands were steady as they took Buck’s and he knows Eddie’s here to stay. 

“I love you.”