Chapter Text
Harumasa awoke from another nightmare, chest tight and breaths wheezing. His hand gripped the gray sheets as he lay there just trying to breathe.
Sometimes the selfish part of his brain wished there was someone there when he woke up. Someone to hold him, kiss the cold sweat off his forehead, tell him it would be alright. More often than not, he imagined a certain lynx Thiren. Ah- how soothing it would be to pet his ears, to bury his nose in his fluffy white hair. The way he had in the Academy. They had been experimenting, that’s all it was. When things got too real, Harumasa broke it off. He wouldn’t allow another to be tangled in the mess that was his life. He wouldn’t hurt someone he cared about by letting them fall in love with him. He was a disaster waiting to happen. A dying star. A pathetic mayfly flying upwards just to fall and die. That’s all.
Him breaking things off with Seth had nothing to do with his fear of being abandoned again. Of course not! Don’t be ridiculous, brain.
Harumasa groaned and sighed, swinging his legs down from the bed. It was the weekend and he had nothing to do. He didn’t want to do anything. He didn’t particularly even want to get out of bed. His doctors might have called that depression, but what did they know! He was fine, clearly. Just dying. And utterly alone on a bright, sunny Saturday. Who would be depressed about that? Not him!
He’d prove those stupid doctors wrong. So, Harumasa heaved a deep sigh, stared at the wall for a good ten minutes contemplating his existence, and then finally got on his feet, annoyed at the static and black spots appearing in his vision as soon as he did. Heart stuttering in his chest, he trudged to the bathroom to brush his teeth, only to stare at his reflection in the mirror. Deep purple under his eyes that stood out like bruises from his pale skin, cheekbones sharp and angry. On workdays, he usually covered his face in concealer and other makeup to hide how he was slowly rotting away. They didn’t need to know. They couldn’t know because then they’d treat him differently, maybe even forbid him from going to the Hollows. He couldn’t have that.
It’s pointless to brush your teeth. You’re just a decaying body, barely alive. Soon to be dead. Why even bother? Familiar thoughts, voices in his head scorned.
Scoffing, he still picked up the brush and started cleaning his teeth, sitting on the covered toilet to avoid the mirror and to slow his racing, stuttering heart. After that was done, he washed his face with cool water, feeling slightly refreshed. He smiled at the mirror, even though it looked wrong. Fake. But nobody would know that if he just practiced enough. So far, he had been doing a fine job at it, considering his teammates thought he was a lazy good-for-nothing. That was the image he tried to uphold, at least.
He watered the plants and flowers on the windowsills, fed his cat - his own breakfast an afterthought. But some of his meds needed to be taken with food, so he probably should eat, shouldn’t he? Despite having no appetite or desire to feed himself, he boiled water for tea and looked through his cabinets and fridge for something to eat. Besides cat food, packets of tea, honey and various medicines, there was nothing to eat.
He’d have to go grocery shopping. Ugh. Just the thought of it sapped all the energy out of his limbs.
Taking his morning meds with tea and honey, he scrolled through his phone absently, exhaustion weighing heavy on his bones. No new messages except for reminders of upcoming rent and electric bills. That was fine. It didn’t bother him.
It still took an hour for him to get up from the chair to change into something he could go outside in. The weather was getting cold, so he bundled up in a thick blue knitted sweater and jeans too big for him that needed to be held up with a belt. Putting a watch on his left wrist, he couldn’t help but think it looked.. wrong. He wrapped his thumb and index finger around his wrist, unnerved by the sight of his bone jutting out, as if it were about to poke through his skin, tearing its way out.
He wasn’t losing weight, right? Harumasa quickly shook his head, trying to banish the anxiety and dread from his head. It didn’t help much.
Too tired to go through the whole ordeal of covering his face and eyebags with makeup, he just left his headband on the nightstand in hopes of not getting recognized. He covered his face with a medical mask and packed his emergency meds, hand sanitizer, keys, wallet and metro card as well as a cat-print tote bag to hold his groceries. He’d need to stop by the pharmacy to pick up refills for his meds too while he was out. And new meds his doctors wanted to try out, which was nothing new. They always needed to try out new meds and treatments until something worked. The amount of them made his head spin. It was just too much to remember. Which to take with or without food, at what time. At some point, he had mostly just given up trying to remember. Sure, he could get an aide or nurse to help with that, but he wanted to avoid that as much as he could, as long as he could still somewhat take care of himself. As someone who had spent his childhood stuck in a hospital with no autonomy, he needed to be independent now, even if he wasn’t perfect at it.
“Bye, Yuka,” Harumasa called out to his cat, who sat primly beside her food cup, licking her paw. She wasn’t a very affectionate cat, but he wasn’t popular with animals in general. It was okay. At least she wouldn’t miss him too much after he was gone. Who should he even give her to? He still wasn’t sure. Miyabi, maybe? Yanagi? She was the most responsible.
No, stop thinking about that. You’re not going to die this second. Just stay in the moment. Go out, get some fresh air, stop thinking about death for one second.
His guts still churned as he rode the metro to Lumina Square, too aware of anyone coughing nearby, not even trying to cover their mouths, or if they did, they did so with their palms, grabbing handrails and poles afterward. Harumasa cringed and tried to move away from them, rushing out of the metro at the next stop, even though Lumina Square was still a few stops away. It was fine. He’d just walk.
His heart raced uncomfortably, chest tight. Fumbling through his bag for sanitizer, he cleaned his hands and walked towards the exit, ignoring people’s eyes on him. People probably thought he was a germaphobe, but he had to be careful. It was flu season, and bugs that would give normal people the sniffles for a few days would put him in the hospital with his useless immune system and weakened heart and lungs.
The walk was okay, at least. He took off his mask to breathe in the crisp October air, watching dead leaves dancing in the wind. There weren’t too many people around. The ocean was right there, unbridled and free. Harumasa couldn’t help but stop and lean against the safety railing, close his eyes and breathe in the salty air.
He could hear someone approaching fast, a runner probably. Keeping his eyes closed, he ignored the steps until they slowed, approached him. His eyes cracked open, head turning. He didn’t know whether to expect a harmless fan or Death in corporeal form. But it was neither of those things.
Of all things, it was Seth, wearing clothes much too thin for this weather, face flushed with red and sweat trickling down his face. He had been reaching out his hand to tap Harumasa on the shoulder, but Harumasa caught him first. Seth retreated his hand quickly, panting from his run. The first thought Harumasa had was that the man looked insanely attractive right now, but he choked the thought before it could blurt out of his mouth.
“Senior, I figured it was you,” Seth laughed lightly, his breath slowly evening out.
“Ha, I thought no one could recognize me like this,” Harumasa replied with a tired smile, shoving his hands in his pockets. It was cold, even though it wasn’t even winter yet.
“What, without your uniform and headband?” Seth chuckled, “You underestimate me, Senior. We did go to school together.”
A lot was left unsaid in that sentence. We were friends. I saw you so many times without your headband, hair tussled with sleep. We spent countless hours studying together in cafés, in each other’s dorm rooms. We slept in the same narrow beds with our bodies flush against one another to chase much needed sleep. We kissed, held the hurt parts of each other, laughed until we had tears in our eyes. We were something more. We could have been more.
“Yeah, we did,” Harumasa’s smile faltered. Memories flashed in his eyes, dug into his chest the more he looked at those lavender-blue eyes. It hurt, it hurt, it hurt. “You don’t have to call me that.”
“What, ‘Senior’?” Seth asked, something hurt in his tone he probably didn’t even realize was there. “Right, well… What are you doing out here, Asaba?”
Ouch. Back to a last name basis, are we? Harumasa thought bitterly, something much like a knife twisting in his chest. “Nothing, really. I was just heading to Lumina Square to do some errands and stopped to appreciate the nice breeze here.”
“Mm, you always did like the ocean,” Seth said with a little smile, ice melting from his voice. For a moment he looked like he was deliberating something, brows creased slightly, mouth opening and closing. “I was… heading that way, too. Do you want to walk together?” He finally suggested.
Something melted inside Harumasa as well, and for a moment the air didn’t feel so cold anymore. He smiled and realized he didn’t even have to force it. “Yeah, that would be nice. I hope I’m not ruining your workout, though. I’m not really dressed to go for a run.”
“Oh, it’s fine! I’ve run enough, I think. A walk would be good for me too,” Seth replied, and they headed off together.
“You won’t get cold? You don’t even have a jacket,” Harumasa worried.
“Nah, I don’t get cold easily. I run way too hot, actually,” Seth laughed, the sound of it warming Harumasa from the inside out. It sounded so… easy. Effortless, natural, innocent.
“Yeah, I remember,” Harumasa chuckled, coughing lightly into his fist. “I was horrified when you showed up in shorts and a T-shirt at one lecture in the middle of winter. And you didn’t even get sick after!”
Seth’s face flushed pink from embarrassment. “Everything else was in the wash! A-And I had lost my jacket!” He sputtered out, cringing at the memory. “That wasn’t on purpose!”
Harumasa laughed anyway, unable to stop until harsher coughs ripped out from his lungs to interrupt his amusement. He had to stop walking, coughing into his elbow, shoulders shuddering. Naturally, Seth stopped as well, brows furrowing.
“Are you okay?” Seth asked, reaching out a hand but not knowing what to do, how to help.
“Y-Yeah,” Harumasa nodded and coughed, praying for it to just stop already. His sight blurred and heart stuttered in his chest, trying to keep pumping. Thankfully, his coughs stopped and breathing evened out, although Harumasa did still feel lightheaded, limbs feeling weaker than before. He hid the shaking in his hands by shoving them in his pockets. “Let’s keep going,” he rasped, not wanting to talk about it.
“Are you sure you shouldn’t be at home, resting? You look kind of flushed. Maybe you have a fever?” Seth reached out his hand to stick on Harumasa’s forehead. “You do feel hot…”
Harumasa swatted his hand away. “Sorry– I… I really feel fine. Just still recovering from a cold. You know how it is,” he lied, the old excuses too easy and light on his tongue. He was sure Seth suspected something because of the countless times he’d been absent from school, for sometimes weeks at a time. It was a miracle he graduated at all.
Of course, Seth had tried to ask him about it, but each time Harumasa would grow more guarded and distant, until he eventually told Seth they shouldn’t be friends anymore. Or... whatever they had been.
Harumasa regretted it, of course. The utter hurt in Seth’s expression almost broke him back then, almost made him take it all back and confess everything, but he told himself it was for the best. He was protecting Seth from more pain.
You were protecting yourself. You destroyed your relationship out of fear. And now you’re alone.
“Right…” Seth sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. “I… hope you get better soon, then.”
“Thanks,” Harumasa replied automatically, sighing. Apologize to him. He deserves that at least. You know you hurt him and you just ignored him after. “Hey, um… You can say no, but would you want to get coffee with me? I just feel like maybe… we should talk.”
“Yeah, okay,” Seth said, expression indiscernible.
The walk was pretty quiet after that. They talked about the weather and work just to fill the silence until they reached Lumina Square. But what surprised Harumasa was how easy it felt. As if the years of separation and the bitter chasm between them weren't there at all.
Once they were at Coff Café, they ordered their coffees, a decaf latte for Seth and regular black coffee for Harumasa. He knew he should drink decaffeinated coffee too, but he was just tired and wanted to feel more awake, even if it offended his heart. At least the warm drink soothed his throat and got his body temperature above freezing. They sat at a small table, the café being pretty quiet, thankfully. Not too quiet to be suffocating, just… peaceful.
Harumasa cleared his throat.
“I just… wanted to give you a proper apology, Seth. You didn’t deserve the way I treated you back in school,” Harumasa started with a serious tone, genuinely apologetic. “I was an asshole, and I just wanted to say, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.”
Seth held his coffee mug, silently mulling over the words before speaking. “Well… Thank you, for apologizing. It… It did really hurt me back then when you– When you suddenly wanted nothing to do with me. I thought there was something wrong with me. That I’d done something horribly wrong because I didn’t know what other reason you’d have to do that. But it was years ago. I’m not mad at you anymore.”
Harumasa looked agonized for a moment. Of course he’d think he had done something wrong, you idiot. You didn’t give him an explanation. Of course he wouldn’t blame you, he’s too kind for that. “No, Seth– You didn’t do anything wrong, believe me. I know it’s not an excuse, but I was just… going through a lot and I was scared and I ended up pushing you away for no good reason. I’m sorry.”
Seth smiled, though his eyes still looked pained. “You don’t need to keep saying it. It’s okay.”
“It’s not,” Harumasa looked down, a lump in his throat. “I’m really not asking you to forgive me. Honestly, I don’t even understand how you came up to talk to me. If I was you, I’d still be pissed.”
“I was never mad at you,” Seth scratched at the table. “Maybe that’s stupid of me. I really just… missed you. I guess that’s why I came up to talk to you. I’m not mad. I wanted to talk to you again, Asaba.”
The knife twisted again, but Harumasa let that hurt. It was his fault, after all. “Then… Can you call me Harumasa again?”
Seth’s lips curled upwards a little. It still looked sad. “Maybe. Do you… want to keep talking, or are you just going to leave again?”
Oh god. He was going to cry. He wanted to scream, pull his hair out, run away. No, no, he couldn’t do that. Keep it together.
It’s not too late to leave now. Spare him the hurt. Why reconnect now just to hurt him more? You’d be a monster for doing that.
No… No. Please, just stay. I don’t want to go. I feel so alone, I just miss him. I miss him. I miss him I miss him–
“I… I really, really want you in my life, Seth. I won’t leave this time.”
It’s a lie. A lie you liar liar liar–
“Okay,” Seth smiled, and this time it reached his eyes. They looked so beautiful in the soft afternoon light. Warm, inviting. Harumasa wanted to drown in those eyes. “I’d like that, too.”
***
For that day, they talked over coffee and Seth accompanied Harumasa to get groceries. It felt stupid but it brightened Harumasa’s mood immensely to have someone there.
Harumasa knew he should eat healthier, but with his constant nausea and lack of appetite and energy, it was easier to eat something tasty and easy to make, because it was either that or nothing at all. So, it was mostly instant noodles and ready-made soups and cereals. But he did grab protein bars and shakes as well as eggs to make sure his muscles wouldn’t atrophy. He needed to stay strong to be able to work. His team needed him to stay strong. He wouldn’t let them down no matter how hard it was to eat or take care of himself.
Even after getting groceries, for some reason, Seth still didn’t leave. Harumasa said he needed to stop by the pharmacy “for vitamins and… stuff”, asking, innerly begging for Seth to wait outside. He promised to be quick. Seth, being sweet, complied and waited outside. Harumasa tapped his foot anxiously inside the pharmacy, the pharmacist being exceptionally slow with labeling the various boxes of medicine. He wanted to tell them to hurry up, but he didn’t want to be an asshole so he just gritted his teeth in silence, shoving the meds in his bag as soon as he could.
“Are any of these new for you?” The pharmacist asked, their voice kind and patient. Harumasa swallowed the regret that filled him for his annoyance earlier. He was aware that some of them were new and the pharmacist could explain possible side effects and other things to look out for, but right now he didn’t have the time.
“Nope! Thanks a lot, bye!” He quickly lied with a smile and paid for his medicine at the checkout counter. The price made him cringe, but it was fine. He was paid well. But did he really have to pay so much to just stay alive? It didn’t feel all that fair. He thought about all the people with his disease who couldn’t pay for all this. This was the least of the expenses, really. There were the more expensive, experimental treatments, hospital stays, surgeries and other expenses that piled up. It was why his parents left him at the hospital. At least it would have made sense if that was the reason. Of course, he couldn’t know for certain why they left him. He’d been too young back then.
“Sorry for the wait!” Harumasa apologized to Seth, quickly starting to sputter out half-hearted excuses, but Seth cut him off with a wave of the hand.
“It’s okay. I was just checking the metro schedule. Are you going home by metro, too?” Seth asked.
Harumasa nodded. “Yeah. Wanna… walk to the station together?”
“Sure, of course,” Seth replied easily, eyes flicking to Harumasa’s tote bag that held his groceries. “I wanted to say – I think your tote bag is cute.”
“Oh!” Harumasa laughed, surprised, feeling self-conscious about it all the sudden. “Haha, thanks… I just like cats, ‘s all. They’re the best animals~”
Seth blushed for some reason, rubbing his neck. Harumasa realized, all too late, why he was probably flustered about that. He averted his eyes too, an embarrassed heat creeping up his neck.
“So, um… Did you get that cat you always wanted, then?” Seth cleared his throat.
“Yeah, I did!” Harumasa grinned. “Her name’s Yuka. I got her from an animal shelter a few years back, pretty soon after graduating, actually.” Just leave it at that. Leave it at that!
“You… wanna meet her sometime?” Oh my god. You idiot. Don’t just invite him over! You’re barely acquaintances now. He probably hates you! He should hate you after what you did to him!
“Oh,” Seth’s mouth turned into an ‘o’ shape, then a tentative smile. “Sure. That would be nice. You still have my number? Just… text or call if you wanna hang out again.”
“Yeah, I do,” Harumasa smiled, heart racing in his chest in a way that didn’t hurt for a change. It felt… exciting. Warm.
A metro train slowed down. Going the opposite way from Harumasa’s apartment.
“That’s my train,” Seth noted. “So I gotta go, but… let’s keep in touch, okay?”
“Yeah,” Harumasa nodded, not knowing how to say goodbye. So he just raised his hand and offered a shaky smile. “Bye, Seth.”
Seth turned toward the train, looking back at Harumasa, hesitating. “...Bye. Get home safe.”
The doors slid shut behind him and the metro took off. Harumasa stayed standing there dumbly for a moment, a thousand thoughts spinning in his head.
When his own train arrived, he headed inside without a facemask, too dazed and distracted to care.
Everyone around him turned into a blur. All he could think about was Seth. How he was making a mistake letting him in again, that nothing good would come out of it. But also... How good it felt to apologize. How good it was to see him again. How it was painful but healing all at the same time. He was scared. Terrified. It would all crash down again, he was sure of it. But a tiny glimmer of hope was there, despite the crushing weight of the guilt, the fear, everything. A tiny glimmer that made him feel lighter, less cold. It whispered that maybe it was okay to let this happen. To be in Seth’s life again. To want him back. To invite someone into his life, no matter how broken, how hopeless it was.
That night, when he lay in bed with his phone in hand, he stared at Seth’s contact on Knock Knock, hesitating. His fingers typed the message anyway and he quickly buried his face in a pillow, groaning.
Harumasa: hey seth, just checking this works. thanks for hanging out today
To his surprise, the reply came in a couple minutes.
Seth: It was nice to talk to you again. Have a good night, Senior.
Still no ‘Harumasa’. Well, that was fine. He couldn’t expect things to change that easily, but he was determined to make things right again. He needed to.