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I suppose he went far, and well, so did I ( ' ). I’m not sure if I ever felt truly “seen” or “known” by him. Honestly… not completely. I feel like he doesn’t really know me and that he just liked my company From his perspective, though, I think a lot of people assume I don’t have much to say—but I do want to say things. If I were to talk .about myself, I’d never stop and will talk for hours,
It’s sad because I hardly ever really spoke with him about who I truly am, so it must be, he must have idealized me. I also feel like a guy like him would never really listen to me, or maybe I’m underestimating him. Because honestly, what could be worst thing that could have happened to him. Maybe I’m being a little unempathetic—I’m not sure. Maybe if I asked him, he’d say the worst thing that happened to him was a woman, probably me, an awkward teenage girl.
If I’m honest, I think he would never forget me, but maybe I’m being egocentric. And I think this isn’t even about him—it’s about how I’m perceived. I might ask him how he sees me, and he could tell me something completely different from who I am.
Right now, is 2:00 am, and I think my brother is drunk and just came home—or maybe not, just hear the door. My mom saw me about twelve hours ago and immediately assumed I’d found out something, probably because she used to be a teenage girl too,
When I become a mother, I want to raise a good boy, like my brother, but even better. I want to have a good son and a great husband, and I want my daughter to be perceived for who she really is, not for an idea, a wish, or an idealization. I want her to be a deep woman, not an empty one.