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Things had been spiralling for Jake ever since he found out his parents had gotten back together. Knowing that his dad was going to be back in his life in any capacity made him feel like that little boy terrified of his father coming home drunk yet again and hurting him. Those feelings also brought back some… unhealthy coping mechanisms.
Now that he was dating Amy, it was much harder to hide the marks than it had been when he was in high school and nobody cared about him. It was doable though, as long as they kept the lights off or the blankets up while they were intimate.
It had been a few weeks since he had found out about his parents and things were getting worse. The self harm had started off as a few cuts here and there every few days, but it had been steadily increasing and it was now happening every day, sometimes even multiple times a day. He had also taken to skipping meals on occasion. He was so anxious all the time he just wasn’t hungry anymore.
It had been a particularly rough day at work - Jake had missed a chance to catch his perp when he had gotten a bit dizzy jumping out of the car to catch him. Charles had been with him at the time and had luckily managed to catch the guy before he got too far, but he had a lot of questions about Jake’s stumble and Jake didn’t have a good answer that he was willing to share.
They were back in the bullpen after they had finished booking the guy. Jake was working on some paperwork, hoping to keep his head down at his desk and avoid any further questions. However, in typical fashion, Charles had not gotten the message. He rolled his chair over to Jake’s desk.
“Heeeeyyyy Jakey, what’s going on with you?” Charles asked.
Jake glanced up at his face before returning to his paperwork. “Nothing, I’m fine,” he said curtly, making it clear he did not want to discuss the matter any further. Charles once again did not take the hint.
“Okay, if you’re fine, then why did you stumble trying to get out of the car? I mean, you never lose a chance to chase after a bad guy, so what happened?” he pushed.
“Charles, I said I’m fine, would you please leave it alone?” Jake said through gritted teeth.
Amy now decided to insert herself into the conversation. “No, Charles has a point, Jake. It’s very unlike you to skip your chance at an action movie moment, so what happened? You’ve been off for a while now, please talk to us.”
Jake shook his head, still refusing to make eye contact with anyone. “Nothing happened, my foot just… got stuck… and I tripped trying to get out of the car. It’s not a big deal, just classic uncoordinated Jake.” He laughed, but the sound was empty and without even a trace of his normal humor. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom. Or is that not allowed for me either?” Without waiting for a response, Jake stood up abruptly, his chair rolling back a few feet as he did so. He put a hand on his desk for a moment while he waited for his vision to clear, then quickly removed it realizing it would just cause further concern. Before the spots disappeared from his vision, he started storming off to the bathroom. He ran into the edge of a desk on his way, unable to stop his wince as the desk connected with some fresh cuts. Hopefully they hadn’t reopened.
He made it to the bathroom without further incident. He went into one of the stalls and sat on the toilet, biting his hand in an attempt to stop the sobs he knew were coming. After a few moments, he realized he was going to need to do something else in order to fully calm down. He grabbed a blade out of his phone case, pulled down his pants, and got to work.
In the meantime, Charles and Amy were still staring at each other in shock from Jake’s behavior - especially the way he had run into a desk. He knew the bullpen like the back of his hand, there had to be something wrong for this to happen. Holt had seen the commotion and came out of his office to investigate.
“What is the problem?” he asked Charles and Amy.
Amy managed to shake off her shock first. “Sir, Jake has been acting weird for a few weeks now, and on his case with Charles earlier he stumbled getting out of the car to chase the perp. When we asked him about it, he tried to brush us off and say everything was fine when it’s clearly not. He left to go to the bathroom, but he had to pause for a second when he stood. It looked like he was dizzy or something, and he bumped into one of the desks on his way to the bathroom.”
“That is quite concerning, I will talk to him and make sure he is alright. I do not want to confront him in the bathroom, so I will wait until he returns,” Holt promised.
He returned to his office, keeping a close eye on Peralta’s desk. Charles and Amy had returned to their work, although they were also anxiously glancing at Jake’s desk. When Jake still wasn’t back at his desk after another 10 minutes, Holt decided it was time to check on him in the bathroom.
As Holt strode purposefully through the bullpen, Amy tried to stop him. “Sir, are you going–”
“Yes, I am going to check on Detective Peralta, he has been in the bathroom for far too long. Please keep everyone out of there until I return, especially Hitchcock and Scully. I apologize for interrupting you,” Holt said, not pausing for even a moment.
A few moments later, Holt was standing in front of the bathroom door. He decided to knock. “Detective Peralta? Are you still in there?”
Something small clattered to the floor and there was a thud, as if someone had bumped into something. Captain Holt wasted no time and quickly pushed open the door and ran into the bathroom.
“Detective Peralta? Where are you?” his eyes scanned the bathroom, but Jake did not seem to be anywhere. He heard a sniffle and realized Jake must be in one of the stalls.
“Detective? I know you're in here, please come out of the stall,” Holt commanded.
“Captain? Oh ummmm, wasn't expecting to see or uh, hear, you in here. Everything is cool in here, you can get back to your job, ya Boi is gucci,” Jake said as he scrambled to pick up his blade from the floor, cursing himself for being in this situation. He was so surprised at the Captain's appearance though that it took him a few tries and he managed to nick his finger in the process.
Holt had seen the silver on the floor as Jake reached to grab it and immediately knew what was happening. He discretely sent a text to his husband, letting him know to come to the precinct. As a college professor, Kevin had much more experience with this sort of thing.
“Detective Peralta… Jake. Please open the stall door and come out so we can talk. You're not in any trouble, I just want to talk,” Holt said.
Jake decided to try one more time. “Captain, I’m fine, I just had to take a big ol’ dump. I’ll just be another few minutes, you don’t have to wait for me.”
“Jake, we both know that’s not why you’re hiding in the bathroom right now. Please, let me help you,” Holt said gently.
“Fine, just give me a second,” Jake said with a huff. His captain catching him hurting himself in the bathroom was really not how he saw this day going, but here he was.
He quickly tried to wipe down his fresh cuts, wrapping them in toilet paper when he realized the bleeding still hadn’t stopped. He cursed himself once again for not bringing the rest of his supplies, although that would have just caused more suspicion from Amy and Charles. There had never really been a way out of this. He pulled up his pants, flushed the toilet, and opened the stall door, avoiding eye contact with Holt as he went to the sink to wash his hands. The water turned a light pink, and Jake winced at the water running over his nicked finger.
Holt put a hand on his detective’s shoulder. Jake jumped in surprise and accidentally crashed into the stall door, turning to face his captain with his hands blocking his face. As Holt got over the shock at one of his best detectives cowering in fear from a simple affectionate touch, he pieced together the whole story. Everyone knew Jake had daddy-abandonment issues, but it was now clear just how deep that trauma ran. His dad had obviously physically abused him, possibly worse, and Jake had dealt with the emotional pain of that by making it physical. And now that his dad was back with his mom, it had brought up all the old pain he had tried to ignore.
Holt took a step back and hunched his shoulders, trying to give his detective some space and make himself seem as nonthreatening as possible. “Jake, you are safe here. I will never hurt you. You did not and do not deserve to be hurt. You are a wonderful person and you deserve to be cared for and loved.” Jake still had a wild and fearful look in his eyes, so Holt continued speaking to him. “You are in the precinct bathroom with me, Captain Holt. I put my hand on your shoulder and startled you, and I am so sorry for that. It was not my intention to scare you. You are safe here, and you will always be safe with me. I will never hurt you, and neither will anyone else here. You are safe.”
Holt continued whispering comforting words to Jake for a few more minutes before he finally returned to the present. “Heyyyyy cap-i-tan, how’s it going?” Jake’s voice was still a little shaky and he was still leaning against the stall for support, but at least he was aware of his surroundings now. “Any chance we could uhhhh forget this ever happened?” he let out a weak, self deprecating laugh.
“Son, I would be doing us both a disservice if I were to ignore what just happened,” Holt said calmly.
Jake looked dazed again. “You…you called me son. As not a joking response to me accidentally calling you dad. Cool cool cool cool cool, no doubt no doubt.”
“Yes, and I meant it. It has become increasingly clear to me that you need a real father figure in your life, and I am happy to be that for you. I think of you as my own son, which is why I cannot ignore what I just saw. Come on Jake, we will relocate to my office.” Holt’s voice was gentle, but it was clear this was an order and not a request. Jake allowed Holt to lead him out of the bathroom, through the bullpen, and into his office. Holt glared at anyone who looked at them, including Amy and Charles, not that Jake would have noticed anyways since he refused to look up from his feet.
Once they were in the office, Holt indicated for Jake to sit on the couch, still taking care to avoid physical contact and sudden movements. Holt closed the blinds so they could have some privacy, then took a seat in one of the rolling chairs so he was close to Jake without being overwhelming.
Jake was sitting on the couch fidgeting with his sleeves and avoiding eye contact with Holt. After a few moments, his movements and breathing started to get more erratic and Holt knew he had to say something.
“Jake, I need you to take a deep breath, you are starting to have a panic attack. Breathe with me. In…1…2…3…4… and out…1…2…3…4, and again …” They continued this for a few moments until Jake was no longer shaking and unsteady. There was a soft knock at the door and Jake immediately tensed again.
While they were breathing together, Holt had received a text from Kevin saying that he had made it to the precinct. Holt had responded to tell Kevin to come to his office and was thus unsurprised by the knock.
“Hey, it is okay Jake, that is just Kevin. I told him to come here,” Holt explained. Jake relaxed slightly, but his eyes still showed his fear. “You are still not in any trouble, and I am not leaving you. Kevin just… is more familiar in dealing with panic attacks and other mental health struggles.”
“Panic attacks? Mental health struggles? Captain, I told you I’m fine,” Jake argued again, although his voice was missing its usual fire.
“Yes, well, I would feel more comfortable if we could talk to Kevin anyways - just to get another opinion. I promise we will not inform anyone else about what happened without your consent. Kevin cares a lot about you too - we both just want to make sure you are safe. Can I open the door for him?”
Jake hesitated for a moment then nodded. He didn’t see another way out of this. Holt stood to let Kevin into the room, carefully closing and locking the door behind him. Kevin sat down in the other rolling chair, taking a moment to assess the situation.
“So, Peralta, my husband said you were injured?” Kevin asked.
Jake’s eyes widened in surprise. “I’m not– how could you possibly have come to that conclusion?”
“I saw you picking up a razor from the bathroom floor. It was not hard to come to the conclusion that you had used it on yourself, especially after your reaction when I put my hand on your shoulder,” Holt explained.
Jake stuttered. “But– I’m not– I didn’t– you were never supposed to know.”
Kevin and Ray’s hearts broke with that one line, but they tried to keep their faces neutral.
“I am glad we know now, son, because now we can help,” Kevin said, reaching a hand out to touch Jake’s knee comfortingly, then pausing as he recalled how Jake had reacted to Ray’s hand on his shoulder. “You do not have to go through this alone.”
Jake shrugged. “I don’t really know any other way. Besides, it’s really not that big of a deal. I’ve never had to go to the hospital or anything like that, I know what I’m doing.
“Jacob Peralta, this is a very big deal. I have a pretty good idea of who made you feel like this was your only option, but I promise you - you are important and your feelings matter. Just because you have not needed to go to the hospital does not make this any less serious of a problem,” Holt said. Kevin put a comforting hand on his husband’s - it was clear that Ray was furious with Jake’s dad, and Kevin didn’t want him to do something that would further scare Jacob. He had clearly been through enough and did not need to see his captain’s anger.
“Cool cool cool, no doubt no doubt no doubt. Anyways, thanks for the pep talk, I’m going to get back to work now,” Jake said as he shakily got to his feet.
Kevin and Ray’s eyes widened as they saw the blood seeping through the lump of toilet paper onto his pants.
“Jacob, you are bleeding, please sit down and let us help you,” Holt said. When Jake opened his mouth to protest, he continued. “I am your captain and I am giving you an order. Let us help you. You do not have to do this alone anymore.” Jake glared at the captain, but Holt just crossed his arms and continued to stare at him.
After another moment, Jake huffed and sat back down on the couch. “Fine, but I’m not talking about it,” Jake said petulantly.
“Okay, we do not have to talk about anything right now. I feel strongly that you should talk about it, but we will not push you on that now. We just want to make sure you are safe,” Kevin promised.
Jake released a breath he hadn't realized he was holding. “Thank you,” he muttered.
“Now, will you please remove your pants so we can treat your wounds? I promise we will not judge you, we just want to minimize any damage and make sure nothing gets infected or needs stitches,” Kevin said.
“I don't need any stitches, I told you I know what I'm doing,” Jake said hotly, his embarrassment at the situation turning to anger.
“I will be the judge of that. Your pants, if you please,” Kevin requested again.
Jake sighed again. “You could at least buy me dinner first,” he said, though it lacked his usual playful tone. He tugged down his pants, wincing as they caught on the poorly wrapped toilet paper and his cuts. He stared at the wall, scared to see disappointed looks on his pseudo-fathers’ faces.
Holt stood to grab the first aid kit and Kevin moved his chair so he was in front of the couch. “Jacob, please put your leg up on the couch, it’ll make it easier to treat you,” Kevin said as Holt handed him the kit.
Jake slowly complied, silent and still staring at the wall. Kevin exchanged a look with his husband, expressing their worry for him. It was quite unlike the young detective to be so quiet and defeated. He pulled out the antiseptic first, handing the rest of the kit to his husband until he was ready for the next step.
“May I?” Kevin asked, gesturing carefully to Jake’s leg. When he didn’t immediately respond, Kevin added, “I will not touch you without your consent, son. You just let me know whenever you are ready, take your time.”
Jake pressed his palms into his eyes, trying to keep the tears from falling. “You won’t… you aren’t going to do anything without my permission? You promise?” he asked.
Kevin took a breath to calm himself. “Jacob, please look at me,” he asked softly. After a few moments, Jake removed his hands from his eyes and glanced over at Kevin. His eyes kept drifting away from Kevin’s face and then snapping back to him. Kevin knew this was the best he was going to get at the moment, so he continued. “Neither of us will ever touch you without your permission. Nobody should ever touch you without your permission in any scenario. You do not deserve that. Nobody deserves that. In fact, if that ever happens again, please tell Holt or myself immediately and we will… deal with them.”
Holt nodded. “Yes, Kevin is correct. If anyone ever touches you without your consent, I will personally make sure they do not have the opportunity to do so again.”
Jake cleared his throat. “You uh, you don’t have to do that. It’s really not that big of a deal, you don’t have to worry about me.” Kevin opened his mouth to argue, but Jake cut him off. “Anyways, whatever. You can… treat my leg, I guess.”
Kevin looked like he still wanted to say something, but he remembered their promise to not make Jake talk right now and decided against it for the moment. He did file away Jake’s obvious self-hatred to discuss at a later time.
Kevin gently removed the bloodied toilet paper and sprayed it with the antiseptic. He wiped off the blood and assessed the damage. “Well, the good news is that you don’t need stitches,” Kevin said.
Jake rolled his eyes. “I told you, I know what I’m doing. Now, are we done here?”
“It is not as comforting as you think to say you ‘know what you are doing’ in reference to this. And no, we are not done, I still have to bandage your leg.”
Jake waved his hand. “Fine, whatever, do that,” he said with an eyeroll.
Kevin put a large piece of gauze over the wounds and taped it. “There, now that is done,” he said.
Jake immediately stood and shimmied on his pants. He was still a little dizzy but tried to play it off. “Anyways, I should get back to work, I’ll just… see myself out.” He might have gotten away with had he not run into Kevin’s knee due to his spotty vision. In his surprise, he fell back onto the couch. By the time he had scrambled back to his feet, Holt had suddenly appeared in front of the door, blocking his way.
“You will not be going anywhere at the moment Jacob, and certainly not back to work,” Holt commanded. He eyed Jake critically, who was leaning heavily against the couch to support himself and trying to hide it.
To confirm his suspicions, Holt said, “I will order us some lunch, unless you have already eaten?”
Jake averted his eyes back to the wall. “Yeah I did already eat lunch, no need to worry about me haha,” he lied. Jake had not eaten more than a handful of sour gummy worms since last night.
“I do not recall seeing you eat lunch in the breakroom today, what did you have?” Holt pressured.
“Oh! You know, um, I don’t really remember what I had, I think it was pizza? Yeah, definitely, for sure, I had pizza for lunch with Charles while we were out on the case,” Jake stuttered.
Holt raised an eyebrow at him. “What kind of pizza?”
“Umm… supreme?” Jake said uncertainly. “Why does it matter what kind of pizza I had for lunch, am I a suspect or something?”
“No, I just do not believe you. Charles already informed me that you did not eat lunch together on the case because you said you were not hungry,” Holt explained. “I will be ordering lunch for you, what would you like?”
Jake cursed under his breath. Working with detectives who seemingly cared about him was really killing his ability to self sabotage. “I'm not really hungry, I can just wait until dinner time. Amy is a great cook.”
Holt barked out a laugh. “Detective, everyone knows Amy cannot cook. If you would be more comfortable somewhere else, Kevin and I will bring you home.”
Jake considered for a moment. If he was alone they couldn't force him to eat or be safe. “Yeah, thanks Cap, you can just drop me off at my place and I will be a-okay.”
“My apologies, I did not make myself clear. Kevin and I will take you to our home. You are not to be alone right now and our home is… more comfortable.”
Jake flushed. “Captain, you really don't have to do this, I'll be just fine on–”
“Jake, this is not up for discussion. You will either eat here or come home with Kevin and me and eat lunch there. Which would you prefer?” Holt’s tone left no room for discussion.
Jake stared at his fidgeting hands, his cheeks stained red with embarrassment. “Fine, let's go to your place, then at least I won't have to worry about fielding questions from the rest of the squad,” he mumbled.
Kevin left the office first, followed by Jake, then finally the captain, who locked the door behind them. Jake was staring at the professor's shoes so he missed the questioning looks from the squad, which were quickly halted by glares from both the older men. Now was not the time for everyone to confront the young detective.
Jake climbed into the backseat of his Captain's car and waited patiently (which was so unlike him it led to further concern). As Holt pulled out of the precinct parking garage, he glanced back at Jake through the rearview mirror. His face was set in a slight grimace, and he was fidgeting erratically with his hands.
“Is there anything you are in the mood for Jake?” Holt asked, hoping to distract his detective from his thoughts.
Jake looked up from his hands, startled back into the present. “What?”
“Lunch. Is there anything specific you would like for lunch?” he asked again, uncharacteristically patient with having to explain himself.
“I already told you, I'm not hungry,” Peralta mumbled, his eyes returning to his hands.
“That was not my question. I asked what you wanted to eat,” Holt replied firmly.
“I don't care,” Jake spat.
Holt pulled over to the side of the road so he could look his detective in the eye. Despite his angry words, his eyes showed fear. He wasn't just being difficult, something was very clearly wrong.
Jake stared at the Captain's face, trying to make himself angry so it would hurt less when his new dads abandoned him. After all, that's what everyone did to him eventually - or something much worse, but he didn't want to think about that now.
Raymond softened his gaze. “Son, no matter how much you try to push us away, my husband and I are not leaving you. We are both here for the long haul, as people say, and there is nothing you can do to change that.”
Jake squeezed his eyes shut, trying to hold back another set of tears. They had given him no reason to distrust them so far, but it was hard to let go of his instincts to protect himself from vulnerability and love. “Sal's pizza,” Jake said quietly, deliberately avoiding a response to their show of affection. “Just plain cheese pizza. I– I don't think I'll be able to eat very much though. I'm sorry.”
“You have nothing to apologize for son,” Kevin said as Holt pulled back out onto the road. “We know this is not your fault and that you are trying to protect yourself the only way you know how. However, you do not have to protect yourself from us. We will never hurt or abandon you. We love you, and you do not deserve that.”
Jake gave a slight nod to show that he heard but made no verbal acknowledgement of the statement.
They drove the rest of the way to Sal's in silence. Kevin and Jake waited together in the car while Holt went inside to get their pizza. Jake was grateful they did not pressure him to eat inside the store - it was bad enough that he would have to eat, he certainly did not need any more people than strictly necessary to witness his struggles.
Kevin put on some classical music for the drive back to their home. Jake was almost able to relax enough to fall asleep – almost. As they turned into the driveway, Jake was suddenly on high alert. He was used to home being enemy territory and even though he consciously knew (hoped) he was safe here, his body had apparently not received the message. He stayed frozen in his seat even after his Captain turned off the car and got to his feet. It wasn't until Kevin opened Jake's door that he reacted, and without any recollection of deciding to move, he found himself pressed against the opposite car door, his knees against his chest and hands raised to protect himself. There was a whimpering noise playing in his ears, and it took a few moments for him to realize he was the one making the sound. He bit down on his hand to stop the noise, thinking Roger's beating would only be worse if he couldn't keep quiet.
After another minute, he realized nobody had even touched him yet. It took him another few minutes to realize that he was in his Captain's driveway and Kevin was speaking to him in low tones. There was no threat to his safety. Eventually, he was able to understand Kevin's affirmations and fully return to the present. “I'm so sorry! I thought– I didn't mean to– I'm so sorry!” Jake said as fresh tears fell down his face.
“Hey hey, you are okay Jake. We are not upset or judging you,” Kevin said soothingly. “When you are ready, we can go inside. There is no rush, we can stay here as long as you need.”
Jake took another few minutes to regulate his breathing before he finally scootched back over to Kevin’s side of the car. “Okay, I’m ready. Thank you for– thank you,” Jake said as he got to his feet. Kevin tentatively reached out to touch Jake’s hand and, when he didn’t resist or flinch, he pulled Jake’s arm over his own shoulders as a way to physically support the detective. They slowly walked into the home, closing and locking the front door behind them. Raymond had already gone inside, trying to give Kevin and Jake some space. The pizza was in the oven, already hot and gooey again.
“Excellent, I am so glad you both are here now,” Raymond said carefully. “I will just get the pizza out of the oven now. Kevin, show Jacob to our bathroom so he can wash up, then help me retrieve the plates.”
Kevin carefully led Jake to the bathroom and stood there for a moment while he washed his hands. After Jake dried his hands, Kevin brought him to a seat at their table before entering the kitchen to help his husband.
“How is he doing?” Ray asked quietly, trying to keep Jake from hearing their conversation.
“He is still anxious and scared, but he was able to calm down and return to his senses of his own accord. It is going to be a long road before he is back to normal, but I know he will not face it alone,” Kevin answered.
Holt nodded his agreement as he pulled the pizza out of the oven. Kevin got three plates out of the cabinets, and they both entered the dining room. Jake was still sitting in the seat where Kevin had left him, but he was now laying his head on his arms on the table.
“Hello Jacob, the pizza is ready. You do not need to eat much, but we would be very appreciative if you would try to eat at least something,” Holt said as he carefully put the pizza on a cutting board on the table.
Jake lifted his head from his arms, eyeing the room warily. When he finally made eye contact with his two dads, they were looking at him with such love and affection that the anger and fear immediately left his body. He let out a breath he hadn’t realized he had been holding. “O-okay. I’ll try,” he said, grabbing a plate and the smallest slice of the pizza.
Captain Holt waited until Jake met his eyes before saying, “Thank you, son. We are so proud of you.” Jake’s eyes immediately skirted away, but it was clear he heard the praise.
Raymond and Kevin had a few pieces themselves in an effort to make Jake more comfortable. They also made pleasant, casual conversation while Jake slowly ate his own pizza. He made it most of the way through the slice before he pushed his plate away. “I–I’m done. I can’t eat anymore. I’m sorry,” Jake said.
“Son, you have nothing to apologize for. Would you like us to clear your plate now?” Kevin asked.
Jake nodded quickly. “The smell is starting to make me feel sick,” he said abashedly. Kevin quickly removed his plate and Holt took the rest of the pizza. While they were cleaning up in the kitchen, Kevin called out, “Jake, feel free to move the couch in our living room. I am sure Cheddar would love to keep you company.” After a moment, there was the sound of a chair moving followed shortly by, “Hey Cheddz! Good to see you again bud! Oh, do you like head scritches? Does that feel good?”
Kevin and Raymond shared a knowing smile. Cheddar was an amazing emotional support dog, even if he had never technically been trained. After they had finished cleaning the kitchen and putting away the rest of the pizza, they gave Jake another few minutes to himself to try to get back to his baseline. They knew he was safe with Cheddar.
Eventually, they knew it was time to talk to Jake. They entered the living room, trying to keep the tone light. Jake was sitting on the middle of the long couch, petting Cheddar in his lap. He barely glanced up as the two men entered the room, keeping his eyes locked on Cheddar. “Yeah, you are a good boy Cheddar! You are such a good boy, and you are so soft.” Jake kept muttering to Cheddar as Kevin and Ray sat in opposite armchairs, trying to give Jake enough space.
Kevin and Ray were silent for another few minutes, hoping that Jacob would start the conversation. Eventually, they realized he was not going to speak first, so Kevin broke the silence.
“Jake, son, please talk to us. Something is clearly going on with you. We are not mad or disappointed in you, we just want to help you. You can start wherever you feel comfortable,” Kevin said gently.
“It’s really not that big of a deal,” Jake attempted. Then, so quiet it was barely audible, “I don’t want you to judge me or think less of me. I know I’m a fuck-up, but it would kill me to know that you see me the same way I see myself.”
It was hard for the other Kevin and Ray to keep their faces neutral but they didn’t want to scare Jake more. “Jake, nothing you could tell us could make us think less of you. It is quite clear that something traumatic happened in your childhood. It is okay if you are not ready to talk about it yet, but know that Raymond and I will never judge you. Whatever happened to you was not your fault and you certainly did not deserve it - either now or when you were a child. You are a wonderful young man who deserves to be cared for and loved, and nothing will ever change that. Whatever you would like to tell us, we will be happy to listen,” Kevin said earnestly.
Jake sighed and took a moment to gather his thoughts. “I’m not really ready right now to talk about what happened when I was younger. All I will say for now is that leaving is not the worst thing my da-Roger, did to me. And the other stuff, with the food and the, you know, started around the same time,” Jake said quickly in an effort to not lose his nerve.
“When did it start this time?” Captain Holt prompted gently.
“When I found out my mom had gotten back together with that asshole. I was so scared that he was going to hurt me again… or even worse, hurt my mom physically this time. With the fear brought back the need for control over my life, and, well, this was the only way I knew how to do that,” Jake responded, not even noticing that he had just admitted to Roger physically abusing him.
“Has he hurt you since then?” Kevin asked, clenching his fists in anger and then immediately loosening them - Peralta did not need another angry authority figure in his life.
Jake shook his head immediately. “No! Of course not, where would you even get– oh. I haven’t seen him since I first found out they were back together. I know I should check on my mom and make sure she is safe - and I’ve been texting her daily! - but I just– I’m not ready to face him again,” Jake said as he buried his face in Cheddar’s fur.
“It is quite alright Jacob, you do not have to see him - now or ever again if you prefer. He does not deserve to have a relationship with you after everything he did, and you do not owe him one. If you would like, we can send one of the squad to check on your mother,” Holt suggested.
“I’m not ready to tell the rest of the squad about this,” Jake admitted quietly.
“That is okay too - I will check on her myself. Would you like me to go now or later today?”
“Now, please,” Jake requested. “I’ve been so worried about her I just–”
Holt cut him off. “You do not have to explain yourself to us Jake - especially not about this. Will you be okay here with Kevin until I return?”
Jake nodded.
“Very well, I will be back shortly. Please make yourself comfortable, and you can always call me if you need me,” Holt said as he got to his feet.
“Thank you da-Captain,” Jake said softly.
“Son, you can call me dad. In fact, I insist, seeing as your biological father is an abusive piece of crap,” Holt said, his anger thinly veiled.
Jake nodded again. “Thank you Captain Dad,” he said with a small smile. “Don’t worry about me - Professor Dad will make sure I am safe while you’re gone.”
Kevin and Ray both rolled their eyes at Jake, but neither could help the smiles on their faces. It was wonderful to see their son making jokes again. There was clearly a lot Jake still had to work through, but they would be with him every step of the way - and for now, that was enough.