Chapter Text
Obi-Wan hasn't heard from the Chancellor in two weeks now. She's not sure if she is happy or upset by the lack of communication. On the one hand, she does not have to confront her misdeeds about breaking her oath. On the other hand, she really wants to see the Chancellor. Though she wouldn't know what to do if she encountered her, she knows that the end of the suspense is her primary motivator for wanting to see her. She wants to know the next steps; she wants to know their possibilities. Though it is when her thoughts fall down this road that she feels as if she is betraying her code once more.
The guilt's been eating at her, worsening day by day, as she feels like an imposter, walking through the halls of the Jedi temple, and calling herself a Jedi Knight. She knows that her actions not only reflect poorly on her but also on the order itself. If news of her misdeeds were to spread, there would surely be a media frenzy. It would not only be the talk of the town, but the entire republic. A shame branded by all corners of the universe, so that one can find no place to hide. But what is that shame of visibility compared to the shame of knowing you have done wrong? Obi-Wan knows she can be hard on herself, but at the moment, no one else can take that job. Unless she confesses. A thought that has been occurring a frightening number of times.
Obi-Wan knows that to confess to the Council is the right course of action. They would surely forgive her for one transgression. They might even help her move forward. However, she fears what they would do with Anakin. She fears they will take him away from her. She is sure that Anakin is flourishing under her. His grades match those of the people with whom he shares classes; he is diversifying his social base, ensuring he does not rely solely on her by befriending Jedi Younglings, Initiates, and Creche Masters, and he is happy. She knows it. She can see it in his eyes.
She doesn't want to take that away from him. She needs to make sure his transition into the Jedi remains steady. The boy needs stability. Therefore, she needs to only focus on him and her duties. She must not concentrate on Shee... the Chancellor.
Above all that, exceeding the guilt of her misconduct are thoughts of her Master. Her Master, who had just passed recently, and who, despite all his imperfections, made her the Jedi that she is today. She knows that the respectful actions after a loss are to dispel thoughts of wrongdoing that the recently deceased person disagrees with. It is common courtesy. How disrespectful would it be for Obi-Wan to do what her Master warned her against all those years ago with Satine just after he passed. Obi-Wan thinks her actions so far already indicate a lack of consideration. But there is nothing she can do about what happened; all she can do now is to ensure it does not happen again. What must he think of her? Probably very badly. Obi-Wan certainly thinks poorly of herself.
Sighing, Obi-Wan leaves her failed meditative state and prepares to pick Anakin up and take him for lunch.
She must focus on Anakin. Only Anakin.
As she makes her way to said boy, trying with all her might to forget of she-who-must-not-be-named, she runs into the Grand Master of the Jedi Order. Immediately after, Obi-Wan truly attempts to scrub all memory of she-who-must-not-be-named.
"Master Yoda! How nice to see you today." Obi-Wan greets curteously with a great bow of respect.
Forget her. Forget her. Forget her.
"Knight Kenobi," Master Yoda croaks. "Great it is to see you. As happy you are to see me, I think not."
Obi-Wan stiffens. Well. Yes, she has been avoiding Master Yoda, but, to be fair, she has been avoiding everyone who isn't a book, a datapad, Anakin, her mirror, and the people who serve her food. So it's nothing personal.
"No, don't say that Master Yoda," Obi-Wan shyly delivers. "I've just been a bit solitary as of late. I am sorry I seemed avoidant."
Obi-Wan looks down at her boots, shame filling her chest once more. She can't not think of her. That's why. She can't not think Sheev, and so she can't face anyone. What a mess she has turned herself into. As if two gigantic problems were not enough for her to handle, she goes ahead and becomes infatuated with the CHANCELLOR OF THE KARKING REPUBLIC.
Obi-Wan sure knows how to put herself in a bind.
"Obi-Wan, talk to me, you can. Judge you, I shall not. Only help, I desire to." Master Yoda responds supportively.
Obi-Wan thinks of her options. She knows it's the right thing to do, but shame is a great motivator.
"Thank you, Master Yoda." Obi-Wan replies. Perhaps she will take Master Yoda up on his offer. Though she definitely needs time to sort out her conflicting emotions. "Your council will be of great help."
"Hmmm, happy I am, to listen." Master Yoda responds sagely.
Obi-Wan bows deeply once more and continues on her journey.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
After picking up Anakin from his classes, they go to have lunch together. They sit in their usual seats, with Anakin's tray slightly fuller than the kids his age, and start eating.
“So, how was your day Anakin?” Obi-Wan enquires, as she blows on her hot soup, willing it to be at a consumable temperature.
“It was okay, I’m really getting better at my classes! I think I might leave the younger initiates classes in a few months and join the ones for my age.” Anakin excitedly announces.
“Oh that's great Anakin! I am so proud of you!” Obi-Wan says, ruffling his short hair.
Anakin laughs and bats her hands away from him, pulling his tongue out at her in defiance. She does the same; he isn’t the only one who gets away with being cheeky here.
“Ahem…”
Obi-Wan and Anakin look up to see Master Windu. They immediately straighten up, pulling their tongues back into their mouths. Master Windu always has a peculiar predilection for entering conversations at the most awkward moment. She knows it must be by choice because the frequency of its occurrence rules out chance.
“Master Windu!” Obi-Wan exclaims as she stands up and bows to the Master of the Order. She may think him strange, but she will show him due respect all the same. Beside her, Anakin glances at her, then copies her actions. Probably fearing the act of showing disrespect to such a frightful and notorious figure of the order.
“Sit down Kenobi, Skywalker.” Windu says gruffly.
Obi-Wan realises that she has probably never seen Master Windu smile. She'd have thought that the humorous moment he interrupted would have at least made him less intense, but he is ever the same. Perhaps she should set a challenge for herself: make master Windu laugh. Or not. The challenge may be too impossible.
They all sit down, with Master Windu dragging another chair across from them to face both of them.
“I am here to tell you something.” Master Windu announces robotically.
Now THAT is humorous. Master Windu sounds like a translation droid, sadly, subject to listening to its own humorless voice and sterile vocabulary. She could change the challenge to making herself laugh, but then that would be a death sentence. Though now that she thinks of it, his voice sounds a little too serious.
“Yes, Master?” Obi-Wan responds with trepidation, anticipating bad news.
Then again, it could be good news; she can never tell whether Master Windu is happy or not. He only ever wears a stoic face or an annoyed face. Surely he can be humorous sometimes? Right?
“Regarding your request a few months ago,” Master Windu begins, glancing quickly to Anakin, then back to Obi-Wan, "I regret to inform you that the Jedi we have dispatched have informed us that the mission is infeasible.”
Oh force. Obi-Wan quickly looks at Anakin and is glad to see him look confused. She looks at master Windu, then back at Anakin. Obi-Wan needs to get Anakin away.
“I'm sorry to hear that! Will you give us a moment…?” Obi-Wan quickly asks.
Master Windu nods understandingly and begins to stand.
“Wait!” Anakin shouts, “What do you mean?”
Oh force. She needs Anakin to stop talking now. In an amateurish oversight, Obi-Wan forgot to tell Anakin not to inform anyone of her and Shee... The Chancellor's!!!! Plan. Quickly trying to rectify her mistake, she puts both hands on Anakin’s shoulders, looks him deeply in the eyes, and tries to convey more in her gaze than her words.
“Anakin,” She begins slowly, “I will explain it to you when we are in our apartment, okay?”
Anakin's face skews in anger. Oh, force no, of all the oversights Obi-Wan made, it had to be this one!
“But you promised! You told me… You told me my mother!” Anakin starts; tears well up in his eyes from frustration and a deep sense of betrayal. He looks heartbroken and utterly distrustful of her.
Obi-Wan grabs his hand and tries to convey through their bond what she cannot say out loud, but his inner turmoil clouds his judgment, and his lack of training to control such thoughts prevents him from interpreting her signals. Obi-Wan is beginning to get desperate. Master Windu is still overseeing the entire interaction, probably thinking she is a terrible Master, and her Padawan refuses to move, probably thinking she has betrayed his trust and lied to him.
“Padawan, it is no fault of your Master. You should not speak to her with such anger.” Master Windu asserts sternly.
Oh, force, if master Windu would just leave!
“Master Windu, please excuse us. I will be disciplining my Padawan privately,” Obi-Wan rushes out, trying to sound authoritative to dissuade master Windu from interfering.
“No!” Screams Anakin. “No! You lied to me! You lied!” Anakin wrenches his arm away from her and runs away.
Obi-Wan looks at Master Windu, who obnoxiously gives her a disapproving stare, turns, and runs after Anakin.
“Anakin! Wait! Anakin just listen to me will you!” Obi-Wan screams as she chases him.
Thankfully, he seems to be running to their quarters so Obi-Wan can contain this unnecessary drama that Master Windu unceremoniously dumped on her in privacy. There goes her goal of making Master Windu smile. After today, she should set a new goal: try not to curse at him.
Although this seems disastrous, she is at least happy that nothing else was announced that could have undoubtedly seen her severely reprimanded by the Jedi Council. After all, Anakin could have mentioned something about Shee... KARKING, KARK, KARK! ABOUT THE CHANCELLOR!
Obi-Wan sees Anakin reach their quarters; however, just before he can slam the door on her face, she force pushes the door in a disgraceful use of the force, and rushes in.
“Anakin, we are still going to get your mother!” Obi-Wan yells before Anakin can cast any more accusations at her.
Anakin pauses, just as he is about to enter his quarters, and looks at her with doubt in his eyes.
Well, that is painful to see. Obi-Wan never thought Anakin would ever look at her so hatefully. She knows he does not mean it, and in his shock and his newness to the force, it is his right to act as he did.
“I don’t believe you!” Anakin yells, face red in anger. “I heard what Master Windu said! You lied to me! I hate you!” Anakin begins to weep.
Obi-Wan feels like the biggest failure she could be. She tries to walk towards Anakin, to hold him and comfort him, but he pushes her away. She could attempt to explain herself, but she is not sure he would listen. He seems extraordinarily conflicted in the force still, so she still cannot access their bond.
“Anakin, please. Please listen to me please,” Obi-Wan begs, her voice cracking under the weight of all the emotions between them.
“I don’t believe you … I… I … I … Don’t” Anakin stutters through his tears.
She understands why he feels the way he feels. He was never able to rely on any adult other than his mother in his short life, and just when he starts to trust and depend on Obi-Wan, it all comes crashing down. Understandably, he feels she has let him down, because everyone else had. His life was a long set of disappointments and hardships. She just wants to show him that she is not like all the other people who plagued him in his life. She needs Anakin to know this and be sure of this, like he knows and is sure of his own desires to keep his mother safe.
“Anakin. Please. What can I do to earn your trust? I will do it. I promise.” Obi-Wan begs as she stands a few meters away with her hands up, hoping to convey a friendly and nonthreatening tone.
“Prove it.” Anakin exclaims.
“Okay. Okay. I will. I know. I’ll set up a meeting with the Chancellor, and we can talk to her, okay? She'll tell you everything. In fact, by now she probably has an update or two.” Obi-Wan attempts to answer soothingly. It must work because Anakin seems to be slowly calming down, and although she still feels doubt in their bond, the distrustful feeling has definitely dimmed significantly.
Obi-Wan sighs and unceremoniously dumps herself on their shared couch. There goes her attempt at not contacting the Chancellor. She has to do it, though, for Anakin. She will just have to behave herself, which is quite an easy task with a 9-year-old by her side.
She inelegantly pulls at her hair until it falls messily onto her shoulders, pushes herself deeper onto the couch, and covers her eyes with her arms. She needs a break. There are too many problems and very few solutions. She certainly cannot accept Master Yoda's offer now. If she confesses to him, then she will not be able to see the Chancellor. And right now, she needs to see the Chancellor. She also needs to make sure the Chancellor sticks to her word. She might not act like any other politician, but she is a politician nonetheless, and to have reached that level of success must have required some form of manipulation.
She hears Anakin shifting, before she feels a dip on the couch next to her. After a few minutes of silence, she removes her arms from her face and looks towards Anakin.
He is such a small boy for his age, but that, again, isn’t surprising given his upbringing. He looks back at her with worried, fearful eyes, and she once again feels completely and utterly out of her depth. How many times must she fail this boy? Why was he given to her if she cannot do anything right?
She reaches out slowly, giving Anakin time to move away should he wish, and caresses his cheek softly, wiping the tear tracks away from his youthful face.
“I am sorry, Anakin. I am certainly not the best Master for you. You deserve much better. But rest assured, I will free your mother if it is the last thing I do, alright?” Obi-Wan softly explains.
She may have broken Anakin’s trust today, but they are now in it together and in it for the long haul. She needs him to trust her again. She needs to make sure he lets her take care of him.
“You’re not bad Obi-Wan. I’m sorry I screamed at you in front of everyone, please don’t be mad at me.” Anakin whispers back, sniffling a little.
This boy. After everything, he thinks he is in the wrong. God, she wishes she could turn back time and make sure he never ends up in the clutches of that slaver.
“You have done nothing wrong, dear one. Nothing at all, and I won’t hear an apology from you. You have heard shocking information that you believed to be true and acted accordingly. Do you understand?” Obi-Wan asserts, willing, hoping, praying that Anakin will understand her so they can move on from today's events in a healthy manner, and so that she does not break the child entrusted to her.
“Yes,” he whispers back. Tears welling up in his eyes once more.
Obi-Wan moves forward to hold him closer to her. At this point, it is as much a comfort to her as it is to him. She holds him tightly, securely, and lovingly. Being as unsubtle as she can in what she projects into their bond, so he can understand her feelings. Because, force forgive her, but she loves this boy as if he were her own. She is attached to him, and she knows it. She will make sure he is happy even if it kills her. Sheev was right. She knew, then, that Obi-Wan loves Anakin. She loves him very much.