Chapter Text
The wind picks up a little as Chris nears his destination, but it hardly registers. Instead, the racing thoughts in his mind were occupying all of his attention—something that hasn't calmed down for hours now.
Usually when he can't stop thinking, he paces around his room because it gives himself something else to focus on. But today Tony had, once again, gone out day drinking, so Chris took that as his opportunity to get out the house for a bit and go on a short walk.
Another thing that usually helps to calm him, is writing in his journal. Which is why he brought it with him; he figured it would make a change from always writing in the solidarity of his cramped bedroom.
And for the most part this walk was already starting to calm Chris's mind. But there was still an unsettling amount of anxiety clinging tight to his chest, seemingly for no reason.
Maybe it was just the paranoia of doing something he knew he shouldn't that was getting to him—because if Tony were to come home early and realize Chris wasn't there... he didn't even wanna think about how much trouble he'd be in after that.
A small playground comes into view as Chris rounds another corner, then makes his way over. Like most days, it was completely empty—which was something he appreciated a lot more today.
This specific spot though wasn't foreign to Chris. Matter of fact, he's actually been here a couple of times before, as this was the place he'd go to on days where Tony got angry and kicked him out the house, or when he was dreading going home after school and needed a few moments for himself.
Because of its awkward placing at the very end of large park, not many kids go to it nowadays. The walk all the way there definitely wasn't worth it, so most parents found other places to go.
Chris, on the other hand, loved it. Not only was it a convenient walking distance away from his house, but it was almost guaranteed to be empty. Meaning he wouldn't have to stress over the public seeing him, or more so judging him.
In a way, walking back into this playground was a little nostalgic. The last time he was here was just over a month ago, right after Tony had started yet another argument and told him to leave. That day he walked here with tears silently slipping down his face, then had a panic attack under one of the climbing frames not long later.
Chris situates himself down on a nearby swing set, his legs dangling in the air as he slowly rocks back and fourth. The desolate environment was almost a perfect place to let his mind pour out into the pages of his journal, and a small part of him wishes he could just stay here forever.
November 23, dear journal
so todays been one of those days where i just cant stop overthinking. ive tried pacing, ive tried sleeping. but none of that was working. luckily enough tony had gone out again, so i took a walk back to the old playground. it kinda makes me wanna cry just sitting here again.
honestly quite a lots happened to me over the past few months, but i think the worst of them all was last month when tony starved me consecutively for a week and a half. i dont even know what i did to deserve that, but one day i woke up and he just.. stopped feeding me. he told me i was banned from the kitchen, and i didnt have money to buy lunch at school either. the only thing he let me have was a bottle of water every day. which lets be honest, did fucking nothing on an empty stomach.
because of him ive lost so much weight too. which is gonna sound awful to complain about cause i know a lot of kids nowadays wanna be skinny, but i truly fucking hate it. my ribs stick out, my collarbones are quite visible.. i just look sickly. and honestly i cant look in a mirror anymore without being insanely disgusted of myself. like its gotten to the point where i dont even feel human. which is crazy to say but its true. im like the shell of a person walking around i guess.
although i think my favorite memory so far was when me and nick got to hang out for a few hours after school. he noticed that i didnt buy any lunch, and took me to this café and brought me dinner. that was three weeks ago now, but i still think about that day sometimes. we didnt do anything crazy, but just getting to be with him for a few hours outside of school hours is what made it so memorable. we wouldve taken matt too, but it was a friday and he had basketball practice so it was only us.
in a way though, im glad matt wasnt there. is that selfish to admit?
not that i have anything against him, but i dont think ive ever really been out with nick alone. it was kinda strange.. but strange in the way that i wanted more of it. and, i dont know, theres just something different about nick that i really like. when im with him im not worrying about shit from my home life or tony. he somehow takes it all away, and i get to feel safe for a little while.
which is why i liked getting to hang out with him alone that friday. for a moment i almost felt normal again, like hanging out with my own brother wasnt also risking a huge punishment. but surprisingly enough, when i got home tony was passed out on the couch. probably from too much alcohol cause he reeked of beer. so i managed to sneak upstairs to my room and hide there for the rest of the night, and when i woke up the next morning he didnt bring up the fact that i stayed out against his permission so he mustve been sleeping for a while before i got back.
either way though, im so fucking glad he was knocked out cold. because while i was out with nick, he gave me some food to take home, and also gave me his jacket to keep. and you know how tony is, he'd absolutely kill me if he knew i brought unauthorized items home or whatever. another stupid ass rule hes got, which is why i keep bobo hidden as well.
i think for now ill keep nicks jacket at the bottom of my closet underneath all my clothes because i dont think tony would know to look there. im also keeping bobo and my journal under my bed right at the back. not really the best hiding spots, but my rooms fucking tiny so i gotta work with what i have.
the suns beginning to set now so i should probably get going soon. but i kinda wanna stay out long enough to see the stars. it always hits different getting to stargaze outside instead of from my bedroom window, and i havent gotten the chance to do this in ages.
as corny as it sounds, ill always look up to them when im feeling sad. i dont know why, but something about them sort of takes away the ache in my heart for a bit. maybe its cause ive always felt connected to them since the day i first looked up there. its such a weird feeling to explain, but sometimes i feel like my own soul is made of stardust or something. like im supposed to be up there in the sky shining and not down here rotting away on earth.
and even though i know stars cant physically talk, i like to think of them as my guardian angels. theyre like little balls of hope glistening in the night sky. and whenever i feel lost, i just look up there for a while and almost feel at home again. which is kinda crazy to think the cosmos give me a better home than tony ever could, but honestly i dont really care.
when im stargazing, im not anxious or upset. and i dont have to pretend to be someone im not. im just simply existing in their orbit, and the universe handles the rest while helping me move through the motions every single day.
y'know.. come to think of it, maybe thats the real reason i like nick so much. he makes me feel the same way the stars do. and i think thats such a special thing. hes definitely got some form of star essence in his soul, which just makes us even more connected. and now im wondering if he feels it too.
god, i probably sound like such a weirdo getting all metaphorical like this on a random saturday, but i cant help it. thats just how my brain works i guess, always finding some form of beauty in the pain.
call it a coping mechanism if you will. i wouldnt really change it for the world though. and honestly its one of the only things that still makes me feel human, so ill just keep finding more pieces until im whole again.