Chapter Text
Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful princess, who had searched the land for a suitable groom.
When none could be found, she hosted a magnificent ball and invited every noble man in the kingdom.
A handsome young man caught her eye, but at the stroke of midnight, he fled the castle.
He left behind nothing but a single leather buhurt boot.
The Princess declared that whosoever fit the buhurt, would become her groom.
"Your Esteemed Majesties!" cried the noblewoman that served as the crier, "Members of the court! The last young man has been presented! None thus far have proven a match for the boot!"
Sobs, gasps, whispers from the crowd.
"That cannot be!"
"Have they really sent for everyone?"
"Where could the man have gone?"
"Apologies to Your Majesties... but it would appear the man has vanished."
"Impossible!" the king replied. "Whoever this man is, he must be found! He simply cannot have fled the kingdom. Have we no customs posts, no guards? My daughter will accept no other for her groom!"
The Princess was heartbroken that the man of her dreams was not among the hopeful.
"Will I never find the boy I danced with that night?" she wondered softly to herself, shaking her head in despair. "Where could he have gone?"
Suddenly, a young man mysteriously appeared at court, unknown to all.
"Your Majesties!" the crier cried, "A young man has just arrived by carriage! He wishes to try on the boot!"
"What?" the Princess asked herself in disbelief, hoping against hope that this was the man she had dreamt about and danced with.
"Announcing... the Lord Incogni!"
The doors creaked open.
"The Lord Who?"
"Who is that?"
"I've not heard of him before, have you?"
"Never!"
Dressed in humble rags, the gentleman approached the court.
"Can it be?" the Princess asked, touching her fingertips to her chest.
Actually, Charlie entered the courtroom, scrolling through her phone. Her foot was cold, and she wanted her shoe back, but she had to finish up the UQuiz about what kind of pan she was.
"Onnnne sec..." she mumbled, finishing. She was a mini muffin tin. Bet. She realized the gathered crowds were silent, waiting for her to continue. She quickly pocketed her phone and scratched the back of her head nervously. "Sorry, sorry! I'm here! What are we, uh... What're we doing?"
The crowds erupted in cheer, commenting about her handsomeness and comeliness, whatever the second one meant.
"Yeah, that's me, super hot..." Charlie mumbled, waving as she made her way to the front of the room. "Thank you, thank you... Uh, headshots signed, ten bucks each!"
Women swooned. Men seemed jealous.
"Bring forth the boot!" the king announced. "I wish to see this boy try it on at once!"
A woman in a fancy green tunic presented it to the king on a pillow with murmur and a bow.
There it was: her green Converse that had dirt on the sole and scuff marks wherever else. Same as the one she still wore.
People seemed to be swooning over that as well.
"Oh, hey!" Charlie chirped, "That's my shoe! Can I get that back? My foot's kinda cold."
The Princess was overjoyed at her arrival.
"Oh my!" the king yelped, probably upset his daughter was a lesbian now.
"I knew it!" the Princess cheered. "You are the man I lost that night!" So close sweetie.
Suddenly, a cruel and haughty voice rang out from the assembled nobility.
"Not so fast."
"Oh, no," Charlie scoffed. "No, no, no. Not this again."
"I do beg humble pardon of your royal majesties..." Loud but light footsteps echoed the court. "But that boy is a thief."
Charlie sighed and waited for this little bit to end.
"That boot belongs not to him, but to one of my handsome sons." Buddy stood in front of two blank-eyed guys, her arms crossed with a smug expression on her face.
Yeah, whatever. Charlie crossed her arms over her chest as people exclaimed and gasped. Big deal.
"Dude," she sighed, looking over to the brunette, "Why do you gotta be such a donut hole-"
"Forgive me, Your Majesties," Buddy continued sincerely, "I must apologize for the presence of this tacky little knave."
"Tacky?!" Charlie repeated.
"Your Majesties, this is my scullery boy. A wretched pauper whom I employ out of pity."
Oof, okay. That was what Charlie's character did. She couldn't argue.
But that didn't mean it didn't hurt to hear. But that also didn't stop Charlie from retorting.
"God, I'm so sick of your whole annoying deal!" she shouted, hands going to her head to tug at her blonde shaggy hair. "It's like you're inside my brain with your shoes on!"
Buddy only used this as fuel. "You see, Your Majesties? Such an ill-behaved child. Hardly fit to marry a stable hand, much less a princess."
Child? She was turning 18 in a month! Technically there!
"Nuh-uh!" Charlie scoffed. "I'm not a- a kid! I'm 18!"
"Plenty of months; congratulations," Buddy replied sarcastically.
Jerk.
"I'm sick of you ruining my plans!" Charlie huffed, pointing at the other woman.
"You make plans?" Buddy asked, crossing her arms. The worst part was that she seemed genuinely confused. "Do tell."
"I don't have the time or crayons to explain them to you!"
"Really now?"
They had some sort of pointless argument for maybe two minutes. Charlie finally huffed.
"Forget it!" she exclaimed, exasperated. "Run your mouth all you want! As soon as I try on that shoe, we're done here! End of story, literally!"
"...Uhm, Your Majesties?" Charlie looked at the lady with her shoe. She did not have the shoe.
"Best of luck with that!" Buddy hummed as she darted away, Charlie's sneaker in her hand.
Charlie was just... stunned. She didn't know Buddy would stoop low enough to steal. Was that even part of the story?
She turned back to the crowd. "Just uh... everybody just sit tight!" she chuckled nervously. "Two seconds."
She took off after Buddy. "Get back here, you nerd!" she yelled. Buddy ran out to the royal gardens. "You like that shoe so much?! Good! I'm going to make you eat the other one!"
And, for some reason, Buddy didn't give Charlie her shoe back.
"This is so dumb!" Charlie grumbled as she chased the brunette down. "You're gonna be wearing these sneakers up both nostrils, pal! I mean it!"
Buddy rolled her eyes with a scoff. "Oh my, she means it," she muttered to herself, though loud enough for the other girl to hear. "My nostrils are terrified!"
"Get-" inhale- "back-" inhale- "here!" Charlie pleaded, though it sounded more like a demand.
Instead, Buddy rounded a corner, the shoe still in her hand.
Charlie kicked it into high gear and jumped at the other woman in a tackle. "Gotcha, stupid!" she breathed as she hugged Buddy's waist tightly to keep her still. Buddy let out an 'oomph' as the air in her body was forcibly expelled through her mouth. The shoe flew from her hand, landing nearby.
Buddy rolled over and tugged at Charlie's blonde hair, mussing it up quite a bit. That made Charlie exclaim, but not let go.
"Ow!" she shouted as Charlie's knee moved down into her hip. She was farely bony.
"Quit it!" the blonde replied, reaching for her shoe and shoving at Buddy's cheek.
They rolled over again, Buddy now on top of Charlie's back. They both reached for the shoe, but they were still a bit of a distance away from it.
"Quit being an incorrigible brat!" Buddy hissed, wrapping her arms around Charlie's neck in a headlock.
"I'll incorrige your legs to fold the wrong way up!" Charlie snapped back, tugging at Buddy's arms with one hand while her other reached for her shoe.
Buddy yelped as Charlie dug her nails into her skin through her sleeve.
"Get offa me!" Charlie screamed, beginning to kick her legs to get Buddy off.
In her movements, Buddy's hand slipped and she socked Charlie in the eye.
"Ahem... Announcing... er, once more, the Lord Incogni!" the crier announced.
With his wicked stepfather in chains, the sire was no longer afraid.
"Not even chains," Buddy scoffed as Charlie put her foot in her shoe. She looked like a grumpy wet cat. Her cheeks and arms were cut from rubbing against gravel. Her hands were tied together in front of her. "It's just rope. This is an insult."
The boot fit perfectly.
"Told you," Charlie said smugly, though to no one in particular, holding her newly-shoed foot up. Her black eye was comical. "Better luck next time, Buddy."
The brunette hmphed indignantly, glowering.
The Princess was beside herself with joy at finding her beloved.
She flung herself into the arms of her Prince.
"Woah, okay!" Charlie yelped, trying to hold the princess bridal style. What would happen if she dropped her? "Just running at people now, cool. Thanks for making me feel tall, Princess."
And they lived happily...
"My love," began the Princess, "Now we may be one at last."
Charlie blinked.
ever...
after.
"Yeah, sure..." she mumbled, pulling the key from her shirt.
"Kiss me, Dearest," said the Princess, leaning in close.
"Yeah, this is my uh, my stop," Charlie said to her key. "Home, please!"
She landed hard back on the shag carpeted floor of her bedroom, sprawled out like a starfish. Naturally.
The wind had been knocked out of her, and she took a moment to get it back.
I really gotta get a new summer job, she thought, sighing aloud once she had all her air.
The floor was pretty comfortable, though.