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“Poppyfrost, you're pregnant.”
Jayfeather says it, and now the whole world is flipped. His voice is as monotone as ever. She stares into his amber eyes for a hint of emotion, but she can't pry anything out. What is she even looking for? Humor? Dread? Jealousy?
“What?” Poppyfrost asks, dry and raw. She wants to say something better, something more, but she's stuck. She wants it to be different. She wants to make him laugh. She wants to be his.
She wants them to be his.
❀❀❀
The rest of the apprentices were passing prey around after a long day of training. Except Jaypaw. So Poppypaw resisted the very tempting squirrel (and begged Cinderpaw to save it) and followed Jaypaw into the apprentice’s den.
He was tearing up his nest, making a mess of their den.
“I know you're there.” He growls.
“I know you know.”
“Hmph.”
Poppypaw sits next to him.
“You shouldn't do that. You’ll have no place to sleep.”
He growls.
“It's okay, you can sleep in my nest. It's big enough for both of us. It helps that you're small.”
Jaypaw does sleep in Poppypaw’s nest, for the rest of his warrior apprenticeship. Poppypaw liked curling herself around his smaller body.
She watches Jaypaw as his claws go from furious to lazy.
“They still want me to be a healer.”
“Oh, well that won't do.”
“I know!” He hisses, lashing his tail. “There's no reason I can't be a warrior. I mean, I know less about plants than Hollypaw.”
“Oh, come on, I’m sure you're not that bad. Not that I want you to be a healer, but really, worse than Hollypaw?”
He snorts. It's not a great joke, but he seems to find her funnier than she is.
“Aren't you going to ask why I don't want you to be a healer?”
“I had assumed it was just that you are the only cat in this clan to not be a bugbrain.”
“Bugbrain?” Poppypaw laughs, “That's new.”
“Even mice are smart enough to let me be a warrior.”
“But, as a warrior, won't you be killing them? Doesn't seem very smart to me.”
“They're mice. They haven't thought that far ahead.”
“Right, right. So. Aren't you going to ask why I don't want you to be a healer?”
“If you're going to tell me, just do it.”
“If you're a healer, we can't be mates.”
He tilts his head.
“We’re going to be mates?”
“Obviously. We’ll have two daughters.”
“And what will we name them?”
“You're not going to help me pick? What kind of father doesn't want to name his kits?”
“Hey, I haven't had time to prepare!”
“It's okay, Jay, I’ve already picked. Thriftkit and Bristlekit.”
“Those are weird names.”
“We’re weird cats.”
Jaypaw sits up, and looks at her with something that isn't rage, and she thinks that's good. But it's short-lived, as his ears twitch behind him.
“Hey, dorks!” Cinderpaw calls, entering the apprentice’s den, “Hurry up and eat the squirrel before Lionpaw and Molepaw do.”
❀❀❀
“You're pregnant, with kits. I’d say you’ve got a moon before they come.” Jayfeather elaborates. He's bluntly unhelpful, but he puts his head atop of hers, and she knows the motion is reserved for her. All hers.
“I’m sorry.” Poppyfrost whispers into his neck. She feels so safe here. She feels so sick.
“They're Berrynose’s?”
“I- Yes, Jay, I’m sorry.”
“I don't care, Poppy. You're not my mate.”
“I know.” She whispers into his fur, so, so quiet. But she knows he can hear. “I wish you were.”
“Poppy, don't.”
“I know why we can't.”
Jayfeather licks her forehead.
“It doesn't matter to me if we’re mates or not. You know you're my favorite person, right?”
“I do.”
“Do you? Do you really? I’m not sure I believe you.”
“Jay.” She butts him with her head. His attempt at humor -or whatever he wants to call it- does make her chest feel lighter, but she can't forget what's going on. “This is serious.”
“You’re right. You're going to get through this. I’ll make sure of it. You don't have to raise them. Just a month more of this.”
❀❀❀
Poppykit was very lonely.
It's not that the nursery wasn't crowded. She hated that there were so many cats. But none of them were Sorreltail.
“Why did she have kits if she didn't want us?” Poppykit asks, naïve, to Brackenfur one day.
He flinches, surprised.
“Of course she wanted you. She wanted you very badly. More than anything, but…” Brackenfur matches Poppykit’s gaze across the camp. Rainwhisker grooms Sorreltail’s fur, the same color of Poppykit’s. Poppykit never saw Rainwhisker far from Sorreltail. Always by her side.
Poppykit didn't see Rainwhisker much.
“Some bad things happened before you were born, and she's struggling with them. They'll get better soon.”
❀❀❀
Honeypaw and Cinderpaw had everything figured out.
Honeypaw and Berrypaw would have the cutest kittens, but Cinderpaw and Lionpaw would have the most. Molepaw and Hazelpaw would end up together, obviously (she's never sure why). That leaves Hollypaw and Mousepaw. Cinder is against the pairing, but Honey thinks it’ll happen.
Poppypaw and Jaypaw are left, and she likes the implication of it. It means Jaypaw is hers (and not that she'll be lonely forever. never that).
❀❀❀
Poppypaw doesn't know why Brackenfur would lie. She's been waiting for moons, and nothing has gotten better.
Rainwhisker and Molepaw are gone now, and Sorreltail won't look her in the eyes. She hears whispers about her mother not eating, not sleeping. Haunted by everything she's lost.
She wishes that she could hear more than just rumors about her mother.
Poppypaw hears Starclan visits cats in her dreams, but she's not sure it's true. Why didn't Molepaw and Rainwhisker and Sootfur and Cinderpelt and Graystripe and Willowpelt and anyone else come to Sorreltail and tell her it's okay.
She's jealous.
Berrypaw is the striking image of his mother, and Daisy adores him. Jaypaw (is the striking image of his mother) always had Squirrelflight to cry to.
What does Poppypaw have?
❀❀❀
Honeyfern is dead. Honeyfern was expecting Berrynose’s kits. Honeyfern is dead.
They hadn't announced it yet. Berrynose had told her. Just her. He understood her pain. He’s here for her.
She's not so lonely with him around. She doesn't like him. He doesn't make her laugh. He doesn't laugh at her, either. But he's there. He's someone.
Sorreltail isn't there. Molepaw isn't there. Honeyfern isn't there. Berrynose is there.
❀❀❀
It's exactly a moon from when Jayfeather tells her.
It's just the two of them in the healer’s den. She'd demanded it.
They’d spent most their nights alone in the healer’s den. She couldn't stand the nursery. Too stuffy. Too real.
She's trying to let her mind drift. It hurts. It hurts a lot, and she doesn't want this. She doesn't want to be a mother. Not like this. Not ever like this.
❀❀❀
Jaypaw whispers to Poppypaw one night, when they're sharing a nest.
“You're wrong, Poppypaw, it'll be one daughter and one son.”
Jaypaw is moved to the healer’s den the next day.
❀❀❀
“Do you like mollies?”
Jayfeather is sorting herbs, and Poppyfrost is watching, and all she can say is: “What?”
“You like toms. Do you like mollies, too?”
“Why are you asking?”
“Am I not allowed to be curious?”
“I don't know. I don't even know if I really like toms.”
Jayfeather’s ears perk up.
“You don't?”
“I’ve only ever liked one cat. I guess I haven't thought about it.”
“Tell me about them, sometime.”
“Of course. You’ll get sick with how lovesick I am. And then we’ll both be sick.”
❀❀❀
Flipclaw is so silly. Poppyfrost makes sure to always laugh at him. Sometimes he's not trying to be funny. He doesn't seem to mind. She's happy that he's happy, and that seems to be all the time. He chases Feather around until they both can't breathe.
Thriftear is stern and a bit spoiled, much like her mother. She meshes well with Hollyleaf and Hazeltail. Poppyfrost is glad to see Hollyleaf with more friends after- everything. But she has to admit their debates can get overwhelming.
Poppyfrost asks if they're ever lonely. They say they aren't.
Bristlefrost is gone.
❀❀❀
Leafpool looks at them. She knows
‘Don’t do it’ her eyes say.
‘I love you’ her eyes say.
❀❀❀
If one of the four had to die, Poppypaw understands why it has to be her. Molepaw is going to be the greatest hunter. Cinderpaw has a talent for teaching. Honeypaw will be the clan’s greatest spy.
“It's okay, Jay.”
She mumbles it in her sleep. She doesn't know she says it. It's okay, Jay, she's okay being the one who dies.
She's so lonely. Maybe Sorreltail will miss her. Maybe Sorreltail will love her more when she's dead.
She's so sick. She’s okay with it, though. It's okay.
❀❀❀
She hates them.
They’re so small, and innocent, and hers, and she hates them.
“Do you think I’m bad?”
She asks Jayfeather one day. She hadn't slept.
“That's a stupid question. No, obviously.”
❀❀❀
Poppyfrost isn't close with her parents.
She tells Berrynose first. Tells him she doesn't love him, but they’re his, and he can raise them if he wants.
Then, she tells Cinderheart. Her eyes widen.
“They're not Jayfeather’s, are they?”
“Berrynose’s.”
“Good. Can't believe you're going to have kits before me.”
Or Honeyfern, Cinderheart doesn't say.
“Do you want me to tell mom and dad?”
“Please.”
Brackenfur congratulates her. Sorreltail doesn't. Sorreltail doesn't talk much. Not to Poppyfrost, especially.
Poppyfrost wants to talk to her sister. Ask her if it's going to be okay. She needs to go to the moonstone.
❀❀❀
“Brightheart is nursing them well.” Cinderheart explains, “Leafpool and Daisy were worried she'd run out of milk since Dove and Ivy, but they're healthy.”
Brightheart’s newest litter are her cousins. She still felt far too young to be a mother. She can't do this. She won't do this. She's not going to.
“Berrynose really wants to know the names, though, they're nearly a month old, Pop.”
Cinderheart had been her connection to Berrynose. She refused to talk to him. She'd hidden herself away from the world. Trying to live a life that's not hers. She felt like she wasn't living a life at all.
“Tell him I don't care.”
❀❀❀
Jayfeather lashes his tail
“You need to groom yourself, Poppy.”
“Okay.” She says. ‘Do it for me?’ She doesn't ask. She doesn't have to. He does.
Poppyfrost purrs while Jayfeather cleans her fur.
“Poppyfrost?”
Her purr cuts short. “Jayfeather?”
“I think I’m a molly.”
❀❀❀
“Why am I called Honeykit?” Honeykit asks one day.
Daisy had been explaining the meanings behind her kit’s names. Color of a mouse, eyes like berries, pretty like the name hazel.
“Brackenfur named you after your color. It's the color of honey. I’ll show you someday.” Daisy explained, “And he named you after your aunt Cinderpelt. And you because he thought you were so cute he could just eat you up, like a mole.”
Molekit giggles. Poppykit tilts her head.
“What about me?”
“Oh, I think Sorreltail named you that. I’m not sure why.”
❀❀❀
Poppyfrost eventually goes back to her duties, but she never moves back into the warrior’s den. She finds her clanmates pity her. No one but Jayfeather would ever ask her to leave. Jayfeather never asks her to leave.
Jayfeather never wants her to leave, she hopes.
❀❀❀
“Cherrykit and Molekit have so much energy.”
Briarlight tells Jayfeather when talking about her exercises. The brown molly had started doing them by herself. Poppyfrost knew it made Jayfeather so proud.
Everyone told her how her kits were. They were healthy. They were happy. They missed her.
They were lonely.
❀❀❀
Jayfeather sits back in the healer’s den the day after Brambleclaw leaves. She doesn't have to say anything for Poppyfrost to know she's moping.
“You want to talk about it?”
“I’m glad he's gone.”
“But you're upset.”
“I’m bitter. He should have been better to us. And to mom.”
Poppyfrost puts her head atop of Jayfeather's, and lets Jay curl into her neck. So safe there.
❀❀❀
Molekit. She thinks. Berrynose named him Molekit. She hates it. She hates him. Berrynose, Molekit, she doesn't care. It all makes her feel sick.
She should have been the one to name them.
She should have cared.
❀❀❀
“Are we mates now, Jayfeather?” Poppyfrost asks her, much older now. She'd buried her mother. Her father. Her sister.
Cinderheart had only had one apprentice, and she had died protecting her. It's more than what Molepaw and Honeyfern had gotten.
“You think that the code matters to me?”
Bristlefrost had died to change the code. Poppyfrost knew it mattered to Jayfeather.
“A little, yes.”
“Poppyfrost, you're my mate and I love you. Do you want me to yell it from highrock?”
“Oh, absolutely. I’d love to see that.”
“I was being dramatic.”
“Too late!” Poppyfrost nudges Jayfeather up, “To highrock.”
❀❀❀
Sorreltail had another brother, older than Graystripe. She'd heard bits and pieces of him. Darkstripe, Tigerstar’s most loyal follower.
He'd fed Sorreltail deathberries as a kit.
Poppypaw had asked what they tasted like once, before Molepaw was gone.
“Like honey.” Sorreltail mumbled, distant.
Like honey.
Hollyleaf was dead. They’d had nothing to bury. She'd tried to feed Leafpool red berries like honey.
Red berries to kill the snake that killed her sister. Like honey.
❀❀❀
Poppyfrost asks Sorreltail about her name. Sorreltail says she doesn't remember why.
❀❀❀
Poppyfrost fought off sleep. Just a little bit longer until Jayfeather, Leafpool, and Bristlepaw are back from the moonstone. Then she can go to sleep. (She can't go to sleep without knowing everyone’s okay. She wakes up crying)
Pawsteps creep in the den. She turns her head and sees a scrap of fluffy gray fur.
“Thriftpaw? You're up late.”
“I have a thorn in my paw.”
“Oh, I can take that out for you. Come here.”
Thriftpaw limps over. Poppyfrost stretches and turns toward the apprentice. It's a quick process to remove the thorn. Thriftpaw is a good patient.
“Thank you a lot, Poppy,” Thriftpaw pauses, maybe waiting to see if Poppyfrost will send her back to sleep, “Why do you sleep in the healer’s den?”
“I needed a lot of help after I had Cherryfall and Molejump, and Jayfeather took care of me-”
“Jayfeather took care of you?”
“She did. She's a good caretaker. Just not the nicest cat. But, it took me a long time to get better. But I did. And I never really missed the warrior’s den. Nothing a deputy needs to do actually requires sleeping in one place or anything.”
“Oh. That makes sense.”
“Mhm, now head off to sleep.”
“Will you tell Bristlepaw that I miss her when she comes back?”
“Of course.”
“Thank you! Bye.”
❀❀❀
Berrynose looks at Poppyfrost with surprise when she approaches him. They hadn't spoken since before the kits were born. She'd barely left the healer’s den.
“Uh- hi, Frost.”
He can't call her that. He'd done the same with Honeyfern. (‘My pretty, pretty Fern’, he’d say, so quiet only she could hear. Her and Jayfeather, who heard everything.)
“Berrynose,” She greets curtly, “I’ve heard the kits are doing well.”
“Oh, they're just lovely. My mom has taught me a lot. I didn't expect to love being a dad this much. I might never leave the nursery.”
The kits have one parent. That's enough.
❀❀❀
Firestar was dead. Jayfeather's siblings sat with her, and Poppyfrost is glad to see the three get along.
It makes her long.
Hazeltail and Toadstep watched the three, too. Mousewhisker was off in Riverclan, Berrynose off with their kits. Half of their group is together, and that's enough (She doesn't want to think of the other three. It's not the time to think of the other three.)
Squirrelflight and Leafpool left the leader’s den. Leafpool made her way over.
“Poppyfrost?” Leafpool calls, “Squirrelflight wants to talk to you.”
Poppyfrost blinks.
“Go on,” Hazeltail encourages.
Poppyfrost walks past the mummers to meet Squirrelflight in the leader’s den beneath highrock.
“Come in.”
Poppyfrost follows the molly farther into the den. When Squirrelflight sits, she follows, and sits beside her. She wraps her tail around Squirrelflight. She's so small, like Jayfeather.
“How are you holding up?”
“It's hard. I’m trying to stay strong for my clan.”
“I understand, Squirrelflight.”
“But it would help to have a good deputy.”
“Oh, you don't mean-”
“Would you be my deputy, Poppyfrost?”
“I’d be honored.”
“I’m glad. Get ready, the Moonstone is far, and Jayfeather is going to complain the whole way.”
Poppyfrost laughs, “I can handle her.”
❀❀❀
Jayfeather leaves the nursery, “Cherryfall wants to see you.”
“Is she sure?”
“She's sure.”
“But what if-”
“Then she'll ask you to leave.”
“I- Okay.”
“Okay.”
Poppyfrost enters the den. Jayfeather follows, right by her side, like she's always been.
Cherryfall is resting on her side. Stormcloud and Berrynose near her.
“Hi, Poppyfrost.” Cherryfall blinks at her. She doesn't greet the molly as her mother. Because Poppyfrost isn't Cherryfall’s mother, not in any way that matters.
But Cherryfall is letting her meet the kits, and that is more than Poppyfrost would ever ask.
“This is Bristlekit, Thriftkit, and Flipkit.”
❀❀❀
Poppyfrost doesn’t feel lonely anymore.