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Caleb stared at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. Well he wasn’t really certain if it was his, it looked nothing like him. But the tired empty disgusted eyes that bore into his skull matched his gaze, so it had to be.
Darwin was in his office, working on his newest theory, figuring out more of Sadie’s family business or something, he wasn’t quite sure. Right now, he couldn’t bring himself to care. Sadie’s honey had been used, and he had hoped it would be the final piece to make him look human again, make him look like he was supposed to. He knew the metal would have to stay, but he hoped maybe his blood could go back to being red, not blue. Not a color that barely registered as human at all.
But no. All the honey had done was heal his scars, the medical ones on his chest and forehead, which was nice to see. But also, scars he had nearly forgotten about.
Caleb rolled up the sleeve of his left arm, nice and clean and pure, but he remembered when he couldn’t go a day without a fresh cut along there somewhere. He’d always regret it afterwards, but he could never bring himself to stop.
He traced his blue fingers along the blue skin of his forearm, almost missing the scars of bumps and ridges that used to decorate it. Missing the pale peach color it used to be.
But…he didn’t have the right to miss that, the way he was now was all his fault, he should be overly grateful for even having skin to look at. How could he be so selfish? So stupid? So ungrateful? So worthless, so useless.
He didn’t deserve to have clean smooth normally colored arms. He only deserved mutilation. This blue stupid skin deserved to bleed, he deserved to bleed.
His eyes began to burn with tears, what was he doing? Wasn’t he supposed to be better? He was supposed to be better. But still, he searched about the bathroom, searching for something sharp enough to do what he wanted.
He stumbled upon a pair of scissors, and barely thinking, or maybe thinking far far too much, he snatched the blades up, and pulled his sleeve back, then opened the blades, and began to slice.
He was hesitant at first, a quick light scratch, but the pain was addictive. He did it again and again and again and again, watching how his skin paled in color, and formed a bump from where it was damaged. It was what he deserved. He made a harsher slash, more force pushing down, slicing through the layers of this stupid blue skin, tears filled his eyes. the skin turned pale for a brief second before saturating as blood rushed to the open flesh..
Blood that was blue.
His vision went blurry with tears at the wretched color, this is what he was stuck with. This stupid blue. Why was he so stupid, why did he have to put himself in that machine, why’d he have to destroy the one thing he had since he was young, himself. Nothing else from then survived, his mom didn't, his aunt didn’t care, and then he betrayed the two people that did. And for what? Because he was sad? Pathetic.
He was so fucking pathetic.
He made more cuts, wanting to see the blue blood he hated so much, it littered his arms, dripping over the bumps made from the rough scratches. And he was filled with an intense sense of deja vu.
And reality had set in. A choked sob escaped his mouth and he began to cry. What the fuck was he doing? He was supposed to be better now, he had a life to live now, everything was so much better than it used to be, why was he doing stuff he hadn’t done in years? He wailed in despair.
There was then a knock at the door.
“Caleb?” Darwin’s sweet concerned voice called out. “What’s going on?”
Caleb was frozen in place, he didn’t know what to say, he had forgotten Darwin was here. He didn’t want Darwin to see him like this, he didn’t want Darwin to see that he hadn't learned anything from the cabinet was still the messed up kid he used to be.
He really hadn’t changed or improved at all. He would never improve, he’d always be stuck as this stupid emotional mess, and Darwin would realize how awful he was and would leave him and get rid of him like he should because he was so horrible and awful and stupid and selfish and useless and worthless and ungrateful and pathetic and and and,
Caleb cried out, wailing in a gross snot filled hiccup as his thoughts tormented and attacked him out of his control.
The door handle moved and Caleb jumped, rushing to drop the scissors and pulling his white sleeves down over the mess he made.
Darwin stood in the now opened door, staring at Caleb with fear etched on his face, he hesitantly stepped further into the bathroom towards his partner. And though Caleb knew he didn’t deserve it, he didn’t deserve anything, he rushed forward into Darwin’s open arms, letting himself be wrapped up in the hug.
Warm arms held Caleb tight, and Caleb didn’t deserve this, he didn’t deserve to be comforted, but he let himself stay against his better judgement. And from the force Darwin held him with, he doubted he could escape even if he wanted to, and so he just let himself feel comforted, feel this love he didn’t deserve, luckily there was the intense stinging in his arm to remind him.
“...Did you break a pen?” Darwin questioned, his eyes open and analyzing the splatter of blue droplets on the white countertops.
Caleb only sobbed harder, that his blood was more likely to get mistaken for the ink of a pen than a human being’s injuries. Because he wasn’t human, he had to remind himself.
“Wait shit- did you get hurt, did I leave the scissors out and you grabbed them wrong or something damnit- did you already get band-aids on it? Oh gosh,” Darwin released Caleb from the hug in favor of looking for where Caleb got hurt, overwhelmed by the need to make sure his boyfriend was okay.
And he noticed Caleb’s blue stained sleeve, he reached out to grab it, Caleb being too weak willed to try and stop him. Darwin lifted up the sleeve, his fingers getting covered in blood in the process, he’d usually be pretty grossed out but right now he didn’t care.
He was far more concerned with how such intentionally violent cuts and scratches could have been made onto Caleb’s beautifully blue skin without someone else in the room. He could hear Caleb choking back sobs above him, and things clicked together.
“Oh, Caleb…baby…” Darwin felt tears prick at his eyes, but he looked up at Caleb and brought himself up to wrap the man in another hug, careful not to irritate the freshly wounded arm. “You’re okay. It’s okay. I’m here.” Darwin could feel Caleb crying harder into his shoulder.
Darwin gingerly let go of Caleb, moving his arm over to the sink, turning the faucet on and rinsing the blood off, turning the water below into an impulsive raging ocean. Darwin squeezed a bit of soap onto his fingers, he watered it down before gently going over the cuts, reaching to grab and squeeze Caleb’s other hand as he flinched. Then, still holding Caleb’s free hand, Darwin crouched down to grab the bandages kept under the sink, he pressed a kiss to Caleb’s sobbing face as he unwrapped and placed a band-aid onto one of the more open wounds, repeating the process until the cuts were all covered.
“I’m so sorry.” Caleb cried out, “I- I don’t know what happened. No-nothing bad even happened. I was just looking in the mirror, feeling gross about this body as usual, and then I just spiraled and- I- I didn’t know I could still do that. I thought I was beyond it, I’m sorry-”
“Hy, hey.” Darwin cut him off, “It’s fine. I didn’t expect you to be perfect, you’ve gone through a lot, obviously it's still going to affect you.”
“But- I’m not going through anything right now. Things are really great right now, and I just can’t seem to be as happy about it as I know I should be.”
“You will be. And even if you aren’t, I’ll still be here. I’m always gonna be here for you, Caleb. If you’re feeling like you’re about to spiral, or whatever, just come talk to me okay? Or at least try and remind yourself how much I love you, because I do, I love you so much Caleb,”
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” Caleb sobbed, “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay, Caleb. You’re okay.” Darwin soothed, swiping away a strand of hair that was sticking to the tears on his face, “You don’t have anything to be sorry for. I’m here.”
Darwin held Caleb tight enough that the man managed to believe the words being spoken, for now at least, he could believe that things would get better from here.
He had a whole future to look forward to after all, even if it’s not what he expected.
In this moment, he had to believe he would be okay.