Archive of Our Own ^beta

They say a swan dies from heartbreak when its lover passes.

The blindingly bleached walls of the hospital suffocated him, the widowing white a dull platitude to the bile rising up in his chest. White– pure, innocent– yet the same white that had carried the red of hundreds of bodies.

The arms around him felt lifeless and dull— he didn’t want those arms. Matt wanted different arms. He wanted hers. He yearned to be cradled in the warm arms of his lover, in the imagined caress of a dove’s wings that carried him away to a safer haven that promised eternal salvation.

“Nothing makes sense.” Was all Matt could surmise in the haze of his damnation. 

Kelly didn’t really know what to expect to see when he had sought Matt out at his place in the weeks following Hallie’s death, only that he felt a pull too undeniable to think too deeply of logistics. The urge to wrap the man up and shield him from the horrors of the world hit him like a muscle memory, like instinct–

Jesus fucking Christ, Severide. Keep your dick in your pants. He scolded himself.

“I know.” Kelly murmured. It wasn’t enough, it would never be enough, nothing would be, but he had nothing else to offer. He sighed as Matt’s shoulders quivered under his arms, lifting a hand to card through the blonde hair he had no right to touch this gently.

He wondered– selfishly, stupidly– what it would be like to hold Matt like this without the raven perched on the windowsill. Without Hallie’s ghost in the room.

Kelly sighed, stroking over the short hairs on the back of Casey’s head as he indulged upon his fantasies for just one heartbeat longer.

“Sev?” Matt’s soft voice snapped him out of his thoughts.

Kelly lifted his head. “Yeah?”

Matt swallowed, “Does it… get easier?”

The question hung there. An olive branch– flimsy, but offered.

Kelly just snorted, that soft, charmingly baffled sound that seemed to always disarm Matt. “‘Course it will. You’re the toughest sonuvabitch I know, Casey.”

And maybe those words made Casey smile. Just barely. The raven croaking in the edge of his mind still sung its tune of nevermore.

Matt eventually gathered his bearings enough to pull apart, but his body didn’t quite catch up, knees buckling, Kelly’s arm shooting out instinctively to steady him.

Their eyes met, and for a moment, neither of them moved.

Then Matt steadied himself, “Sorry.”
“Don’t be.”

They both just stared at each other for a moment, too much remaining unsaid, but all being too impossible to say.

“You should probably hit the sack. You look like you need a tranquilizer dart.” Kelly teased, although his voice was at a crooning note that only made it sound worried. He began to gently herd the other man to his bedroom, but he paused when he felt the other man tense beneath his hand.

“Matt?” 

Casey just hung his head, as if ashamed of himself for merely entertaining the thought, eyes hidden behind the shadow of his lashes.

“Not in there. Please.” He shot him a look, raw, pleading. agonized, and Kelly swallowed,

“I can’t let you sleep on a couch, man.”

“Just… not there.”

Kelly didn’t push. He knew that there was no moving a boulder like Casey, and so he figured he might as well just compromise. Especially since he had a pretty strong idea as to why Casey was so adamant on avoiding the very bed where he lied with Hallie for so many nights.

“How ‘bout I take you back to my place? I’m sure Shay wouldn’t mind.”

Matt didn’t answer right away, eyes moving towards the bedroom door— the door he could not dare set foot in, could not dare face the agonizing weight of memories within, could not dare confront– and he found that whatever steadiness he previously gained in Kelly’s arms was gone. Faltered.

“Okay.” Was all he whispered.

Kelly’s gaze softened and he smiled, giving him a praising pat on shoulder— one of those pats you’d give after a call.  Comradely. Supportive. Protective, maybe. 

“Alright, man. Get your jacket. And whatever else. Meet me in the car?”

Matt just hummed in response, slinking off to gather the few things he needed. 

The drive was silent, but not empty. Far from it. It was the kind of silence that filled the room like an uninvited guest, heavy and unavoidable, but no one dared address. Streetlights danced across Matt’s face as he stared out the window, the golden beams accentuating the tired lines that seemed to be ingrained on his face nowadays, grazing the trembling skin of his hands. The same hands that sat uselessly in his lap, shaking just enough to be noticeable.

Kelly tried to ignore it, hands clenching the steering wheel just slightly. A hand twitched, and before he could stop and overthink it, he let it lift off the wheel to rest over one of Casey’s trembling ones, stilling it, thumb just barely ghosting over his knuckles.

When they pulled into the apartment, Matt didn’t move immediately, lingering as if lost in how to move. Kelly didn’t question it, killing the engine, rounding the hood, and opening the passenger’s side door.

“C’mon, its warmer inside.”

Matt exhaled, but finally got up, movements slow and defeated as he trailed after Kelly’s form.

Shay was asleep, fortunately, once they got inside– Kelly knew how much Matt would hate someone else seeing him so vulnerable. Part of him couldn't help but feel honored that he, himself, was able to see just that. That he was the one allowed to see it.

He flicked on the kitchen light, turning to see Matt lingering again, walking cautiously inside as if he wasn’t even sure he belonged there.

“Want anything? Water? Tea?” Kelly offered as Matt kicked off his shoes, and heshook his head. He just needed somewhere to be. And someone to be with.

Wordlessly, Kelly led him over to the couch, sitting down on it with Matt moreso folding in on himself as he joined him, curled up like he was holding himself together. They just sat there for a minute before Kelly cleared his throat.

“You can take my bed.” Kelly said quietly.

Matt immediately tensed, shaking his head vehemently, “No, no— Kelly, I’m not– no. I’m not kicking you out of your own bed.”

“You’re not. I barely sleep, anyway.”

Matt shot him an annoyed look that gave him a flash of normalcy– briefly, beautifully familiar– a feeling that left him feeling so wistful, it was almost nostalgic. But that feeling faded as soon as the look did, any fight Matt had in him beaten down as much as his spirit had been. He rubbed at his eyes with the heels of his palms, stifling back the burn he felt.

“I don’t want to take anything from you, Kels.” 

Severide just clicked his tongue,  “You aren’t taking, Matt,” He began gently, "I'm offering. Insisting, actually.”

Matt let out a small huff, an exhale of air that just made him seem tired.

“Okay.”

Kelly smiled as he stood up, trying not to seem too relieved. “Well, c’mon then.” He knew he had to physically shepherd that damned firefighter, or else he would probably snake his way back to the couch, stubborn as a mule and frustratingly self-sacrificing.

Matt followed him down the hall, Kelly’s hand hovering over the small of his back. Not quite touching, just enough to let his presence be known. A support. A guide.

Once they got to the bedroom, Matt paused at the threshold between the door and the bed, turning back to Kelly.

“You sure?”

“Get in the goddamn bed, Casey.”

Matt smiled, teeth peeking out just slightly and Kelly felt a flutter in his chest, “You can’t boss me around, Lieutenant. Same ranks, remember?”

Kelly returned the smile, waiting for the man to climb into the bed, watching him pause as if assessing if any ghosts lingered in it as well. He turned as the man shed off his jeans, trying not to let his eyes dart back and linger on his muscled legs.

As he began to climb into bed, Kelly fully turned to leave, only to pause when he heard a soft voice ring through the dark.

“Severide?”

He tilted his head to look back at Matt, meeting soft, weary baby blues in the dim lighting.

“Stay with me? Till I fall asleep, I mean.” Matt asked timidly, gaze darting away moments later as if frightened of his own vulnerability.

Kelly blinked, caught off guard, breath hitching, but he didn’t let it show.

“Yeah, ‘course.”

He watched Matt fully settle in before he padded over, sitting down on the edge of the bed, giving him space. Matt lay on his side, facing him, eyes half-lidded and tired beyond comprehension.

He whispered, “Can you... just talk? Doesn't matter about what.”

Kelly swallowed. The weight of the vulnerability suddenly made words feel hollow. Hollow towards the affection practically suffocating every waking nerve in his body, threatening to lurch out if it wasn’t for his mind forcing the bile of love out.

Love. 

He shot the thought down hard

“Sure,” He replied softly, “Uh… I could tell you about the time Capp dropped a cat on my face mid-call? Or the time Shay tricked me into bringing Boden to a gay bar with her.”

A ghost of a smile tugged at Matt’s lips, “The second one.”

Kelly relaxed at the domesticity of it all, a sense of peace finally settling over him as his voice settled over the room, a soothing, warm rumble that filled the quiet room and drowned out the cries of the raven in Casey’s mind.

By the time the story came to a close, Matt had finally dozed off, breathing evened out. Despite the state of rest, his brows were still pinched, as if the weight of his pain still haunted him even in slumber. But there was also his hand– the same one he held in the car– that twitched slightly, drifting towards Kelly’s. Not quite touching. Still lingering on the sheets. But near enough to feel something, near enough to feed into the seedling of Hope within Kelly. Hope that kept Kelly sat there, even after he fulfilled his task. Hope that Kelly had attempted to starve in all the years he knew the man resting in front of his very eyes.

He would stay sat like that for a while longer. Longer than he needed to. Longer than he should have.

The dim bedside lamp lighting a soft glow over their features. He found himself staring at those very features in Casey; the youthful face that still held the forlorn pain of a worn-down elder. Kelly looked. Really looked.

Only then did Kelly let himself reach out, brushing one stray blond strand from Matt’s forehead.

“Night, Case.” He murmured, “Hang in there.”

It was a plea for them both.