Archive of Our Own ^beta

Trevor is halfway to Philly before the trade is announced to the public. He’s not even one hundred percent sure that Jamie is in Philly, he could be home in Canada for all Trevor knows, it’s not like they have spoken in the last few months. That thought doesn't even cross Trevor’s mind until he’s driving through Newark and he remembers the Hughes brothers are already at their lake house in Michigan. Trevor is supposed to join them up there for a few weeks in July, but all thoughts of everything he’s supposed to do vanished from his mind this morning when he got the call that his trade to the Flyers, to Jamie, was finalized. Trevor threw on some clothes and left, not even saying goodbye to his parents. He’s sure that his mom is worried about him, but all he can think about is getting to Philly, to Jamie, before the news of the trade goes public. He wants to be the one to tell Jamie, and not just over a phone call, in person, face-to-face. 

He pulls into the parking lot of Jamie’s apartment an hour and a half later and he is hit with a sudden wave of anxiety. Trevor is not the type of person who gets nervous easily, he does everything with an air of confidence. Now, sitting in his car with Jamie’s apartment looming over him he can’t seem to get his hands to stop shaking. It’s like that time he got dared to drink three cans of Red Bull and he felt like he was going to vibrate out of his own skin. Trevor takes a few deep breaths before he gets out of the car. He’s not sure where this nervous energy is coming from, a year and a half ago he and Jamie were closer than anyone else on the Ducks, now though, Trevor can’t remember the last time they talked. That’s half the reason he’s here, he wants Jamie to learn about the trade from him, not from the coaches or a teammate or a Twitter post. He feels like it has to come from him. It seemed like a much better idea four hours ago when Trevor’s agent had called to let him know that the trade to the Flyers was finalized. He had gotten in his car without a second thought, plugged the address he had gotten from Jamie years ago into his GPS and started driving. Now, sitting in front of the apartment building that Trevor isn’t even sure Jamie still lives in, he doesn't feel so sure.

Trevor sits in his car for ten more minutes before he convinces himself to go inside. He keeps his head down as he walks through the lobby, he doesn't want to draw attention to himself. Hockey is a much more popular sport in Philly than it is in Anaheim and the thought of being recognized, no matter how small, makes Trevor feel sick. Trevor’s sure that no elevator in the world is as slow as the one in Jamie’s apartment, it seems to take hours for it to pass each floor. Trevor is starting to think he should have taken the stairs when he finally gets up to the 5th floor. He has to hype himself up again before he can knock on Jamie’s door. As he stands there, for what feels like hours, Trevor looks around. There’s a welcome mat under his feet and some sort of potted plant next to the door. For half a second he panics, there’s no way Jamie can keep a plant alive. Before he can spiral the door opens. Jamie is standing there, for a second his face is blank, then it morphs into a look of confusion, Trevor was obviously the last person he thought he would be opening his door to at ten o’clock in the morning. Trevor takes a second to look at Jamie all he is wearing is a sweater and a pair of shorts, and Trevor doesn’t have to see it to know that Jamie is wearing his cross necklace, but to Trevor he has never looked better.

"Jamie," Trevor feels like he's just taken a huge hit mid-game, like all the air has been knocked out of him. He can barely get Jamie’s name out, he’s really not sure how he is going to be able to explain anything to Jamie.

Jamie stares at him, "Z? What are you doing here?" He finally asks. He says it like Trevor is the last person he wants to see, which after the last year-and-a-half he might be.

Trevor doesn't let Jamie's confusion, and maybe slight horror, stop him. He came here to talk to his ex-boyfriend, best friend, whatever Jamie is, or was, to him.

"Can I come in? I need to talk to you.”

Jamie hesitates for a second, Trevor is half convinced he is going to shut the door in his face, then he nods and opens the door farther, stepping to the side. "what's going on?" he asks as he leads Trevor into his apartment. Trevor takes a second to look around before he answers. Most of the furniture is new, or at least new to Trever. Which makes sense considering Jamie left pretty much everything in his and Trevor's apartment when he was traded. He had Trevor send some of his clothes and told him to keep the rest or give it away. Trevor kept most of it. He was hurt enough without Jamie around, what was the harm in keeping a few blankets that used to belong to him, It’s not like Jamie would miss them, or even know that Trevor has them. The one thing that Trever recognizes and could never forget, is Jamie's guitar. Trever remembers the nights they spent on the rooftop together with that guitar. “Trevor?" Jamie's voice breaks him from his thoughts. "What's going on?”

"Right," Trevor says. "I didn't want you to find out from the media or something, So I drove down here to tell you myself because -”

“Z!" Jamie cuts off his rant before it can really get started. He knows Trevor well enough to know that Trevor rants when he’s uncomfortable. "Find out what from the media? Are you okay?”  

"I got traded." Trevor finally says. "Here. I'm coming to Philly. I wanted to be the one to tell you. I know we haven't talked much lately but I thought -”

"You need to leave!" Jamie says suddenly, his eyes wide with something akin to fear. If Trevor didn't know better he would say Jamie looked scared, but that didn't make sense. What could Jamie possibly be scared of?

"What?" Trevor is too surprised to be upset. He had imagined a thousand different ways Jamie could react to his news, most of them ending with the two of them getting back together, but him being kicked out was not one of them.

"Please,'' Jamie begs. “You can't be here right now. I'll text you later, but you have to leave. You really shouldn't have come here.”
…

"He kicked you out?" Trevor is back in his car, heading back to New York. He called Jack the second he got in the car and Jack sounds as surprised as Trevor feels now that the reality of what happened has hit him.

"Yeah, he just told me I had to leave, but he won’t tell me why. That’s weird, right?” Trevor is sure it is, given their history, but he wants to hear it from someone else just to make sure. 

“Yeah, no,” Jack agrees. “That is super weird. Like even if you caught him at a bad time or something there would be no reason to just kick you out of his house without giving you a reason.”

“I thought so,” Trevor tells his friend, “but like, maybe there’s something else going on with him. I mean it was kind of a lot to drop on him at ten in the morning.”

Jack hums, not in agreement, but not in disagreement either, so maybe Trevor is on the right track. “I don’t know man, if Nico was traded away and then I got traded to the same team as him less than two years later he won’t react that way.”

“Yeah, I guess. I’ll give him a few days, he did say he would text me. I’m sure it was nothing. Maybe he’s sick or something.”

Jack doesn't get a chance to answer before a second voice comes through Trevor’s Bluetooth. “Jack, Luke and I are going to get the boat. Are you coming or are you too busy talking to Trevor?” Trevor can hear the eye roll. 

“Quinn!” Trevor cheers, changing into his favorite role of younger brother's annoying friend. “Did you change your phone number dude? I’ve been texting you and I haven’t heard back!” 

“Sorry Trevor, you're breaking up, you must be driving through a tunnel or something,” Quinn says before the call drops. Trevor laughs, he could call back, but he’s sure that Jack is defending his honor. Plus, he’s leaving for the lake house in a few days and then he will have the rest of the month to dissect every part of his conversion with Jaime with Jack, so he’s not too worried about it. 

…

Jamie doesn’t text. Trevor checks his phone constantly. He’s afraid that maybe he just doesn’t have service at the lake house or that his phone is broken, but everyone else’s texts and calls are coming through. He buys a new phone just to be safe, he tells Jack he dropped his in the lake when he asks, but the results are the same. The last texts he has from Jamie are from last summer. "Maybe his phone is broken or he is busy. His story on Insta was him golfing in Canada. He's probably spending time with his family.” Trevor tells Jack one night when he asks if he's heard from Jamie lately.

"Yeah, maybe" Jack says, not sounding convinced at all. "Anyway, it's not like he can avoid you forever. You'll see him at training in a few weeks.”

"True!" Trevor agrees, suddenly filled with renewed hope. There is no way Jamie can get away from him once they are playing on the same team again. Plus, Trevor is sure this is all some big misunderstanding.

He spends the rest of his time with the Hughes brothers trying to forget Jamie. It reminds him a bit of last summer, after the trade. For about a month after the trade everything was fine, or as fine as it could be. Jamie and Trevor called or texted at least once a day. Then, slowly, as the hockey season started to come to an end Jamie stopped texting and he didn’t return Trevor’s calls either. Trevor offered to come to Philadelphia to see him, but Jamie said that he was planning to home and spend the summer with his family. That was pretty much the last time they talked.

…

It turns out Jamie is really good at avoiding people, or at least Trevor. Trevor goes into the first day of training camp with a plan. All he has to do is talk to Jamie, find out what is going on with him. He figures before camp will be as good a time as any. He heads into the locker room and sits down. Cam comes in not long after and heads over to greet Trevor. 

“Hey dude, good to see you! I was really excited to hear that you got traded here!” Trevor stands up and gives him a hug. He hasn’t known Cam for a very long time, but they are still good friends and Trevor is just glad to have at least one person on the team who is speaking to him. 

“Yeah,” he agrees. “It will be good to finally play with you instead of against you.” 

“Oh, for sure. Between you, me, and Jamie the team should be unstoppable. Stanley cup coming soon,” Cam jokes.

Trevor laughs, “That’s the goal! Hey, have you talked to Jamie lately? I haven’t heard from him a while.”

“Sounds about right,” Cam says. “He likes to disappear to Canada in the summer. Only proof of life we get is some golf pictures.”

That makes Trevor feel better, if Jamie’s new thing is to go home in the summer it makes sense that he hasn’t heard from him in a while. Trevor and Cam talk for a little bit longer while the rest of the guys come in. Trevor keeps an eye on the door the whole time, waiting for Jamie to walk in. When he finally does he walks right past them to the other side of the room. 

“What? You just ignoring your boyfriend now?” Cam jokes.

Jamie turns around like he’s just been shot. He looks at Cam and Trevor. “What? I go away for a couple weeks and don’t give you my full attention and you fall apart. You think you're my boyfriend now, Cam?”

It’s a good joke and better distraction. The other guys in the room laugh and start making fun of Cam, who quickly tries to defend himself. Trevor walks over to Jamie, “you didn’t call.”

“What?” Jamie looks up from where he’s putting his bag down.

“When you kicked me out of your apartment you said you were going to call me, you never did.”

“I said I would text you,” Jamie deflects. “I got busy. Can we talk about this later? I really need to focus right now.”

Jamie is clearly done with the conversion and Trevor doesn’t want the other guys first impression of him to be him fighting with one of their teammates, so he drops it for now. 

For the rest of camp Jamie is clearly caught in some weird space of trying to avoid Trevor as much as he can without anyone else noticing. Everyone is expecting them to jump right back into being best friends and, if Trevor is being honest, he was expecting the same thing. However, Jamie clearly thought something different.

…

Trevor never thought he would be thankful for the social media team, but they seem determined to get as many videos of Jamie and Trever together as they can. It's the only time Trevor is close enough to even try and talk to Jamie. The perfect opportunity comes up one day when they are waiting to film some challenge that Trevor wasn't listening to the rules of. He'll wing it, it’s fine. He was too busy looking at Jamie trying to decide what to say to him to listen to the team explain what they had to do. The social media team leaves the room, to get something, or someone, Trevor's not really sure. He turns to look at Jamie, “you wanna tell me what’s going on?” He asks, trying not to sound as accusatory as he does.

“I don’t know,” Jamie says. “Something about seeing how many pucks we can stack or something.”

“Not that!” Trevor rolls his eyes. “With us. What’s going on between us?” This isn’t the first time Trevor has asked Jamie this question. 

…

“What’s going on between us? What are we?” Trevor asked. He’d been wanting to ask Jamie for weeks. They were coming off an overtime win against the Coyotes, a game that Jamie had been unable to play in, the roommates had gone up to their rooftop to celebrate. It was nights like that that made Trevor happy he played for a California team because there’s no way it would be warm enough to stand on a rooftop in November back in New York. 

“What do you mean?” Jamie asked, as he avoided Trevor’s eyes. He knew that Jamie knew exactly what he meant, so he told him as much.

“You know what I mean. We can’t keep doing this. The sneaking around and just acting like we are best friends, when it feels like we are so much more than that.”

Something had been going on between them for as long as Trevor could remember, they were always more than just best friends. They had kissed each other at the end of the last season and Trevor had spent the whole summer wondering what that meant for them. They texted pretty much everyday, but neither of them brought up the kiss. Trevor had been nervous to go back to Anaheim at the start of the season, but Jamie was there waiting for him, in their new apartment, and he had kissed Trevor again and told him how much he missed him over the summer. Things had escalated between the two of them from there to the point that Trevor had started considering renting out his room; he spent most nights in Jamie’s bed anyway. None of it seemed to matter to Jamie though, because no matter how many nights they spent in the same bed Jamie refused to acknowledge that something had changed between them. 

“I want to be whatever you want me to be.” Jamie said, finally looking at Trevor. He had been playing with the cross he wears around his neck, a nervous habit of his that Trevor had noticed within ten minutes of meeting him.

“I don’t want to feel like I’m forcing you into something that you are clearly not ready for.”

“No!” Jamie said. “It’s not that. I want to be with you. It’s just that we can’t let anyone find out, okay?”

“You really care that much about what people online are going to say about us?” Trevor was surprised, Jamie is the one who was always telling Trevor to get off Twitter and ignore whatever people online are saying about him.

“It’s not that. You know the league won’t be very accepting of us. It could ruin our careers. Let’s just keep it quiet for now, okay? Just me and you and once the time is right we can start telling other people,” Jamie was practically begging Trevor. His cross still firmly between his thumb and forefinger.

“Okay, as long as we know. We don’t have to tell anyone else.” Trevor pulled Jamie in closer and into him a hug, the younger boy clearly needed it. 

… 

“I can’t talk about this right now,” Jamie says, fidgeting with his necklace. “Maybe later, but not right now.”

“You can’t avoid this conversation forever, Jimmy,” Trevor argues back. “Or me.”

“I’m not avoiding anything,” Jamie snaps. “Now is just not a good time.”

“When will it be a good time? I tried to talk to you weeks ago and you kicked me out and you’ve been avoiding me ever since.”

“I’m not avoiding you!”

“Oh, yeah?” Trevor asks sarcastically. “That’s why you won’t sit next to me in the locker room, or shoot pucks with me at practice. That’s why you don’t go to any team bonding events that I’m at. You are definitely not avoiding me.”

Before Jamie can say anything the door opens and the media team walks back in, holding a stack of pucks. Jamie was right about today’s challenge then. "Everything okay in here?" One of the girls asks, looking between them.

"Yeah, great." Trevor lies, if Jamie wants to act like there's nothing going on between them Trevor can do it too.

…

It turns out it's really hard to act like he doesn't even know Jamie when they keep getting put on the ice together. They played hockey together for years and they made a great team then, and still do now. Everyone of their passes just seems to find the other person, even when they really don't want them to. 

It’s after Trevor’s first goal as a Flyer that things really start to fall apart. They beat the Islanders 4-3 and Trevor scores his first and second goal, and wins it in overtime, with Jamie getting an assist on his first. In the locker room after the game everyone is celebrating.

“We have to go out and keep this celebration going!” Cam cheers from his stall.

“Good idea!” Bobby agrees. “Trevor, we can finally bring you to the good bars.”

Trevor laughs, “I’m down. Let’s do it! Who’s coming?” Most of the other guys agree to join them for at least a little bit. 

“Jamie?” Cam asks. “You gonna join us?”

Jamie looks at Trevor, who quickly looks away. “Nah,” Jamie says after a second. “You guys go without me. I’m tired, I won’t be any fun.”

A couple of the guys boo him, but Trevor can’t stop the hurt feeling from sinking down into his chest. He knows he and Jamie aren’t the best of friends right now, but Trevor just scored two goals and won the game in the shootout and Jamie doesn’t even want to celebrate with him. He doesn't get much time to dwell on it though because soon Cam and Bobby are dragging him out the door and to, what they claim is, the best bar in town. 

Trevor is sitting at the bar and half heartily flirting with some girl, who kind of looks like Jamie in the right lighting if he squits, but he chooses to ignore that, when Cam, who is much drunker than Trevor slumps down next to him and throws his arm around Trevor. He mumbles something incoherently, before slumping forwards onto the bar. The girl smiles politely, “I’ll leave you with your friend. He clearly needs you more than I do.”

Trevor laughs, throwing an arm around Cam, “yeah, he’d be lost without me.”

Cam laughs next to him, picking his face up from off the bar, “I don’t need you.”

“Sure you don’t,” He agrees. “You can definitely call your own Uber and get home safely without my help.”

Cam nods confidently, “I can, but I’m glad you're here Trevor. Not just tonight, here in Philly.”

Trevor hums, trying to get the bar tenders attention so he can get some water in Cam before they leave. “I’m glad I’m here too. I couldn’t spend much more time in California."

“Yeah,” Cam agrees, looking around the room, clearly not too focused on what either of them are saying. “We were all really shocked when Jamie requested to be traded here, but it’s been great having both of you here. You play really well together.”

“What?” Trevor asks, his stomach dropping to his toes. “Jamie requested the trade?”

“Yeah,” Cam agrees. “That’s what they told us. We had to get rid of Gauthier and Jamie wanted out of Callie. Hey, did you get that girl's number? She was really pretty.”

Trevor can’t hear anything over the sound of his own heart beating. He had no idea that Jamie requested the trade. He remembers the day Jamie had found out he was being traded, he seemed as shocked as the rest of the team, management hadn’t given any hints that they were looking to trade Jamie. As far as Trevor was considered it had come out of nowhere.

…

They were in their hotel in Nashville and they had a game the next day, so everyone was just chilling after their morning skate. Trevor and Jamie had vague plans to get out of bed and go get dinner, but neither of them had moved yet. Trevor was perfectly content laying in bed and sending Jamie Tiktoks instead of getting up to show them to him. Jamie’s phone ringing is what broke the silence. 

“Hello?” Jamie asked as he answered the phone. “Yes, it is.” He listened for a second. “No, I understand. Thank you for calling. When do I leave?” This caused Trevor to sit up and pay a bit more attention to what Jamie was saying, where was he going? “Alright, thank you, good bye.” Jamie put his phone down and closed his eyes. 

“Jimmy?” Trevor asked quietly. “What’s going on?” Jamie didn’t say anything for a second, but when he finally looked up at Trevor he was crying. “What’s wrong?” Trevor asked, “are you okay?”

“I’m getting traded,” is all Jamie said, playing with his cross necklace, “to the Flyers.”

“No,” Trevor had said. There was no way he was going to let that happen. He and Jamie had played together since their first year in the NHL. They had gone up and down, back and forth between the Gulls and the Ducks, but they had always done it together. Trevor couldn’t imagine playing a single game without Jamie, not with how far they had come in the past year. “Call them back. Tell them you aren’t going. There has to be something else they can do.”

“Trev,” Jamie said, tears in his eyes. “There is nothing we can do. The deal’s done. I have to get ready, my flight leaves in two hours.”

Trevor didn’t think it was possible for his heart to break anymore than it already had, but it does. “Your flight?” he asked. “You’re leaving tonight? We have a game tomorrow.” He doesn’t know when he started to cry, but he could feel the tears as they streamed down his face. “Jamie, please,” he begged as if Jamie could snap his fingers and make this whole thing go away.

Jamie moved onto Trevor’s bed and pulled him into a hug. “I’m so sorry,” he said. “I wish it didn’t have to be this way. I’m so sorry. I love you.”

It was the first time either of them had said that, but Trevor couldn’t focus on that, not when they only had two more hours before they would live across the country from each other, and only play each other twice a year. It was too much to bear, Trevor’s whole world was falling apart right in front of him and there was nothing he could do to put it back together. 

… 

Trevor feels sick, like he was going to throw up all over the bar. “I have to go,” he doesn’t even know if Cam hears him, he can barely hear himself over the pounding of his heart. He walks out of the bar and doesn't stop walking until he is standing in his apartment, he doesn’t even remember unlocking the door. There are a million things going through his head, but the one thing that is repeating over and over again is why. Why would Jamie ask to be traded? Why would he want to leave the team they played on together? Why wouldn’t he tell Trevor? Why would he do it? 

His chest feels tight, like he’s not getting enough air and he can barely see through the tears that are now dripping down his face and onto his sweater. There is only one person he wants to talk to right now. As he pulls out his phone he’s not surprised when his face ID doesn't recognize him. It takes him a few tries to put in his password and get his shaking hands to press the call icon. 

“Z!” Jack cheers over the noise of whenever he is. “Awesome game tonight! You killed it!”

“Jack?” Trevor asks, he doesn’t recognize the sound of his own voice, it sounds like someone else speaking. 

“Are you okay?” Trevor can hear Jack say something to someone else and then his side of the phone goes quiet. “Trev? You okay?” he asks again. 

“I think I made a huge mistake."

“What do you mean? Where are you? Is everything okay?” Suddenly there is a second voice with Jack, Trevor can’t make out who it is or what they are saying.

“I’m at home. I just think I shouldn’t have gotten myself traded here.”

“Why not? What happened?” Trevor’s mind is all over the place. He doesn’t feel like he can formulate a clear thought. “Trev? Take a few deep breaths and tell me what’s going on.” Trevor takes a minute listening to Jack breath, trying to match his own breathing to his friends. Jack mumbles something to someone on his side of the call, nothing that Trevor can understand. “I’m here,” he assures Trevor. “Whenever you are ready, tell me what’s going on.”

“I was at the bar with Cam and some of the other guys, to celebrate. Cam got really drunk and he told me something I don’t think I was supposed to find out,” Trevor explains slowly.

“What did he say?” Jack sounds concerned.

“He told me that Jamie requested the trade. He wanted to leave Anaheim. He wanted to leave me.” As Trevor talks he briefly wonders if someone stabbed him in the heart without him noticing on his way home, it hurts bad enough that he thinks that can be the only explanation.

“Have you talked to Jamie about it?” Jack asks. “Cam might not have the full story. Maybe they told Jamie there was a chance he was going to be traded and he picked Philly because it was the best of the teams that wanted him. Or maybe something else was going on.”

There’s a part, a very small part, of Trevor that knows that Jack is right and he should talk to Jamie. However, the large part of him is too hurt, too upset, to even think about talking to Jamie. “It doesn’t matter,” he argues. “Either way he should have told me. If there was a chance he was going to be traded he should have told me and if he wanted to be traded he should have told me. He let me believe that he had no idea that it was going to happen. He told me that he loved me.” Trevor had told Jack about the night Jamie got traded, but he had always left out that part. It had seemed too personal, too private to share, but now it didn’t matter. If Jamie had lied about the trade Trevor wasn’t sure what else he could have lied about, but loving him had to be one of them. Their relationship had meant everything to Trevor, but clearly it meant nothing to Jamie.

Jack takes the new information well, “I know this sucks and with everything else going on it has to feel like the end of the world, but he won’t just say that. He meant it and I know you love him too. You have to try and talk to him. After you have the full story you can decide if you never want anything to do with him again, but you are going to regret it for the rest of your life if you don’t at least talk to him.”

“Not tonight,” Trevor says, he’s too tired to move from where he’s flopped onto his bed. He can’t handle another emotional conversion right now.

Jack stays on the phone for a little while longer, bouncing between trying to comfort Trevor and trying to convince him to talk to Jamie. After they hang up it doesn't take long for Trevor to cry himself to sleep, wrapped up in one of Jamie’s blankets. That night he dreams of a life where Jamie was never traded and they were able to live out the rest of their hockey careers in California, together. If dream Jamie hates Trevor as much as real Jamie does he does a much better job of hiding it.

…

The next morning when Trevor wakes up he immediately regrets it. He feels like he hasn’t slept at all. His face feels swollen and his body feels heavy, like someone replaced all his blood with lead. The sun is shining in through his curtains that he hadn’t closed the night before, so he forces himself out of bed to close them. While he’s up he plugs in his phone. He only has an hour before he should be at practice so he calls in sick. He can’t bear the idea of going to practice and seeing Jamie again, not right now. Then he texts his agent, asking for a reminder of what his trade clause is with the Flyers. Trevor has always been good at knowing when he’s not wanted somewhere, a lot of the time he would ignore it, but not this time. After he sends all his messages he turns his phone off and falls back asleep. 

He wakes up when he is too hungry to sleep anymore. The sky is darker, leading Trevor to believe it’s sometime in the early evening. He has to force himself out of bed and into the kitchen. He doesn’t have much food, so he turns his phone back on to Doordash something, most likely something against his meal plan, sue him for wanting comfort food right now. He is met with two missed calls, both from Jack and about thirty texts. Most of the texts are from Cam and Bobby, making fun of him for calling in sick because he drank too much the night before. He doesn’t dignify those with a response, he doesn’t really care what the team thinks of him right now. One is from his agent. He chooses to ignore that one for a minute because the last text is the one that catches his eye. It’s from Jamie. Jamie, who has not texted him in over a year. Jamie, who got himself traded across the country just to be away from Trevor. Jamie, who can barely bring himself to look at Trevor after they spent years living in each other's pockets, not going a day without seeing, or at least talking, to each other. Jamie, who doesn't seem to care that he hurt Trevor in a way that Trevor has never been hurt before. 

Trevor thinks about responding to the text and telling Jamie to fuck off. He stares at the message, ‘hey, you ok? Cam says you drank a lot last night and that’s why you skipped today, but that doesn't sound like you,’ for a few minutes before he decides that he is going to treat Jamie the same way that Jamie has been treating him. He doesn’t respond to the message. Instead, blocking out Jack’s voice telling him to talk to Jamie, he blocks him. 

…

Even though Trevor has plans to spend the rest of his time with the Flyers pretending that Jamie doesn’t exist, the Flyers first road trip is a bit of a wake up call for him. Jamie and Trevor spent every roadtrip together with the Ducks. The few times they weren’t together it was because one of them was injured and couldn’t travel with the team. Trevor can’t remember a roadtrip where he didn’t sit in the back of the bus with Jamie in the window seat next to him.

Today, when he gets on the bus Jamie is sitting near the middle of the bus with Garnet. Trevor doesn’t look at them as he heads to the back of the bus. He sits across from Cam and TK, but keeps the seat next to him open. He doesn’t talk much on their drive to New York where they will play the Rangers. 

It’s not until after they lose to the Rangers that Trevor is met with the second big difference between him and Jamie. Trevor has always had a hard time sleeping in new places. It’s been a problem since he was a kid. When he and Jamie were together it was easy to climb into Jamie’s bed and let him hold him until Trevor fell asleep. Now, he thinks if he even knocks on Jamie’s door it will just get slammed in his face. 

He decides to try something that sometimes worked for him after Jamie was traded, taking a walk. He grabs his favorite blue blanket and just starts wandering around the halls. He’s really not paying attention to where he is going. Soon, he finds himself in what must be the hotel's ball room. One of the walls has floor to ceiling windows and he can see the water below the hotel. He’s standing there when someone else walks into the room.

“Couldn’t sleep?” Trevor doesn’t have to turn around to know that Jamie is standing there.

“No,” he agrees. “You?”

“Nope,” Jamie says. “I was thinking.” He looks at the blanket Trevor still has wrapped around him and for half a second Trevor thinks he’s going to ask for it back. “The walks help you sleep better?” He asks instead.

Trevor shrugs, “sometimes. Not as much as other things do, but it’s better than nothing I guess.”

Jamie nods, Trevor can tell he’s thinking hard about something, his cross necklace is in his hand. “What helped the most?”

Trevor glares at him, is he doing this on purpose just to be mean. “Why do you care?”

“Just wondering, figure if we are both up we might as well talk about something.”

Trevor rolls his eyes, “I don’t know what your angle is here, but you don’t get to stand there and act like we are still friends, not after the way you have treated me the past few weeks. Just leave me alone Jamie.” Trevor turns and stomps out of the ball room. He’s back in his room before he even really notices where he’s going. He doesn’t sleep at all after that.

…

There’s a new kind of tension between Jamie and Trevor. Something that has never been there before. They don’t talk to each other, they won’t even look at each other. Trevor makes sure to be the first one to practice so he can be dressed and on the ice before Jamie even gets there. He stays on the ice longer than anyone else to make sure Jamie is out of the locker room when he gets back. The media frames it as him working hard, trying to prove that he belongs on the team. He’ll let them believe whatever they want to believe even if he knows it will just bring more confusion when he finds a team to get himself traded to. He does the same thing with workouts and other training. If he has to be in the same room as Jamie he stays as far away from the other man as possible. No one says anything for a while, not until it starts to affect their game. 

Jamie and Trevor could always rely on each other on the ice. They always seemed to be able to find each other. Jamie had once told Trevor that it was like Trevor’s heart was beating right next to his own, there was a buzzing under his skin that was Trevor. They always knew where to find each other on the ice and getting the puck to the other person worked out for them more times than it didn’t. That buzzing had to be long gone by now. Now, Trevor won’t pass to Jamie unless it was the only option and Jamie wouldn’t skate near him unless he had to. 

“I don’t know what’s going on between the two of you, but you need to fix it!” Tocchet yells at them at the end of a particularly bad practice a week into their silent feud. Trevor rolls his eyes, when he’s sure Tocchet isn’t looking and Jamie says something that Trevor misses. It seems to satisfy Tocchet though because he doesn't say anything else about it for the rest of practice.

As if that wasn’t bad enough the captain, Sean, forces Trevor off the ice right after practice is over. “Come with me.”

“I was going to shoot some pucks with TK,” Trevor says. 

“He’ll be fine,” Sean says, dismissively. “We need to talk.” He turns and skates off the ice. Trevor follows him. They stop outside the locker room door. “I know coach already said it, but I’m going to say it to you again and hopefully it sticks.” He takes a breath before looking right into Trevor’s eyes. “I don’t know what is going on between you and Jamie and unless you want to tell me it’s none of my business. What is my business though is how it’s affecting the team. I tried to give you two a little bit of time to work it out on your own, but clearly that isn't working. I don’t know what happened, or who is in the wrong or in the right, but I do know that you need to talk to each other.”

“Tell that to Jamie,” Trevor snaps. “He started this whole thing.” Trevor is very aware that he sounds like a child, but he doesn’t really care.

“I did,” Sean assures him. “We had this same talk before practice, but I’m also telling you that I know Jamie. He isn’t going to be the one to reach out, not first at least. So, I’m asking you to be the bigger person and just talk to him. This has gone on long enough and we can’t let it continue to affect the team anymore than it has, okay?”

“Fine,” Trevor agrees. “I’ll talk to him.”

“Thank you.”

…

Trevor doesn’t talk to Jamie. He goes home and complains to Jack over the phone, something that has been happening more and more lately. Jack, unfortunately, is on Sean’s side.

“I don’t know, Z” Jack says after Trevor’s rant. “I think you should talk to him. Even if you don’t forgive him or whatever, it might make you feel better to at least hear from him what happened. I really think there could be more to the story than what drunk Cam told you.”  

Trevor groans, “what would I even say to him. I can’t just walk up to him and demand to know why he asked to be traded from our team.”

Jack hums, “maybe not, but you could ask him why he was avoiding you for so long. Find out what’s going on with him right now and focus on the past later.”

“You sound too much like your mom, or Quinn,” Trevor laughs.

Jack laughs too, “what can I say? They give good advice.”

They stay on the phone for a little bit longer and by the end of the call Trevor has agreed to talk to Jamie after morning skate the next day. 

…

Jamie gets to Trevor before Trevor gets to him. Trevor is standing at his stall talking to a couple of the guys when Jamie walks into the locker room. He looks around before he finds Trevor, “we need to talk,” he demands. 

Even though Trevor was going to say the same thing he is suddenly filled with anger. “Sure,” he agrees, bitterly. “After morning skate.”

“No,” Jamie says, and Trevor suddenly realizes how angry he looks. “We need to talk and I think we should do it now.”

Trevor narrows his eyes, “why? Because it’s more convenient for you? In case you forgot Jamie, I don’t have to do things on your time anymore. That’s not how our relationship, if we even still have one, works. Not everything has to happen depending on whether or not you are ready for it to happen.” It’s a low blow and Trevor knows it, but he doesn’t really care anymore. At this point anything and everything feels like fair game. He sees a couple of the other guys exchange looks, clearly trying to decide if they should step in or not. Before they can Jamie speaks again.

“That’s not fair and you know it,” He’s not yelling, but he’s as close to it as Trevor’s ever seen him get to yelling off the ice. 

“That’s not fair?” Trevor raises his voice too. “What’s not fair is you requesting a trade and not telling me. What’s not fair is me finding out that you requested the trade from Cam almost two years later. What’s not fair is you letting me believe that you had no idea it was coming. What’s not fair is you not talking to me after that. What’s not fair is you waiting until two hours before you left to say what you said. None of that was fair.” Trevor is hyperaware of the other people in the room and as mad as he is, and he is very mad, he’s not going to say anything that could actually hurt Jamie’s career, or his own.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about!” Jamie snaps back. His fists are clenched at his side, for a second Trevor wonders if Jamie is going to hit him. “Don’t stand here and act like you have the whole story. Just stop, Trevor.” He steps closer to Trevor, closer than they have been since the trade.

“Tell me then,” Trevor demands, completely closing the gap between them. They are face to face, breathing each other’s air, but not in the way they used to. “If I don’t have the full story and I don’t know what I’m talking about then give me the full story.”

Jamie falters, for just a second the anger in his eyes flashes to something else, something sadder. “I can’t,” he finally says, and he steps back. “Not now.”

“Fuck you, Jamie” Trevor finally says, throwing his hands up. “You can’t honestly expect me to just accept that. You don’t get to say that I don’t get to feel the way I’m feeling because ‘I don’t have the full story’ and then not give me the full story. Either tell me what the hell is going on or don’t speak to me.”

Jamie doesn't say anything for several seconds. “I can’t,” he finally says, “but you have to understand, Trevor. I did what I had to do to protect us. I did it to help you, not hurt you. I was trying to save us.”

“You really expect me to believe that? After all the lies you have told, you think I believe that?” Trevor shakes his head. “You may not have cared enough about me to tell me the truth, but I will, I’m going to request a trade. I’m getting out of here. I thought that if I came here we could start over, but clearly I was wrong.” Trevor pushes past Jamie, it’s the most physical contact they have had in months.

“Trevor,” Jamie says, stepping back in front of him. “You’re being ridiculous."

“Are you going to tell me what’s going on?” Trevor asks, he knows what the answer is going to be, the same thing it’s been the last few times he’s asked. They are just going back and forth at this point, making no real progress, but he can’t stop himself from giving Jamie one more chance.

“I can’t, but there -”

“If you’re not going to tell me the truth then I have nothing I want to say to you.”

“Then don’t say anything, just let me try to explain.”

“No,” Trevor decides. “You can talk to me when you are ready to tell me the truth, not before that though.” Trevor pushes past Jamie again and starts to walk out of the locker room, but a different voice stops him.

“I think you are both being ridiculous,” Cam announces looking back and forth between the two former Ducks players.

“What?” Jamie asks, looking at him.

“You heard me,” Cam defends. “I don’t really know what you two are fighting about, but I think it’s stupid and you just need to kiss and make up.”

“Stay out of it, Cam,” they both say at the same time. 

“I think you just proved my point,” Cam says smugly, still standing between them.

Sean walks over, he puts a hand on Cam’s shoulder and looks at Jamie and Trevor. “I agree with him,” he says after a moment. “I don’t know, or care, what you two are fighting about, but it has started to affect the whole team, so if you two don’t have things figured out by morning skate on Tuesday we’re going to have to figure something else out.”

“Don’t worry,” Trevor says, thinking about the text he sent his agent, “everything will be fine by then.”

“What does that mean?” Jamie asks, he almost looks hopeful for a second.

“It means exactly what I told you earlier.” Trevor rolls his eyes, “you might like to lie about trades, but I don’t. I’m getting out of here.”

Jamie rolls his eyes and turns away from Trevor, “yeah, that’s great, ran away from your problems.”

“You’re one to talk,” Trevor retorts. “You ran all the way across the country to get away from your problems. To get away from me”

“You wish you knew what you were talking about,” Jamie shoots back, suddenly he’s in Trevor’s face, a finger pressing into his chest, “but you don’t. You weren’t the problem, Trev. Pat was.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Trevor asks, he’s really lost now, nothing Jamie’s saying makes sense to him. What does Pat Verbeek have to do with any of this, besides trading Jamie.

“All right,” Sean says. “That’s enough from both of you. You need to work this out outside of the locker room. No one wants to listen to you fight. Now, pretend you get along well enough to skate together or I’m having coach take you both out of the lineup until you work this out.”

“Okay,” Jamie agrees, quickly. “We will figure things out tonight, before the game. Don’t worry about it.”

“Good,” Sean says. “Go get lunch together or something and stop fighting.” 

They both agree and silently head back to their stalls to change for morning skate. Trevor is very thankful when they make it through practice without any incidents. They are still not playing together like they used to, but it’s better than anything that they have been doing for the past few weeks. When Trevor leaves the locker room after practice Jamie is waiting for him.

“Lunch?” He asks. Trevor notices the hopeful look in his eyes.

Trevor sighs and shakes his head, “listen Jamie. We need to work this out, we can both agree on that, but I don’t think we are going to be able to do that until you are ready to tell me what’s really going on here. If you can’t do that, or you’re not ready to, or whatever else, that’s fine. Let’s just go back to ignoring each other and stop fighting in front of the guys. We can still play well together without being best friends.” Jamie looks heartbroken and Trevor feels his own heart break a little more, but he reasons with himself, it’s for the best, not only for them, but for the whole team.

“Don’t get yourself traded,” Jamie says. “The team needs you, the guys like having you here. Stay?”

Trevor thinks about it, there are a thousand reasons why Trevor should say no, but Jamie asking him to, that’s the only reason Trevor needs to say yes. “I’ll stay,” he agrees. “For now, as long as we can make something work, without hurting the team.”

Jamie nods, “that’s all I’m asking.”

…

Long after Trevor has gotten back to his apartment, while he should be taking his pregame nap he can’t stop thinking about something that Jamie said. Something about Pat Verbeek. Trevor tries his hardest to think back and try to figure out what could possibly connect Verbeek to this whole situation. After coming up blank, and knowing that he won’t get any answers out of Jamie, Trever does the next best thing. He calls Mason.

“Trevor! Dude,” Mason says when he answers the phone. “How are you? We haven’t heard from you in forever!”

“Yeah,” Trevor says. “I’m fine. Listen, can you do something for me?”

“Depends, what’s up?” 

“Jamie has been acting kind of weird the past few weeks and I think it has something to do with his trade and Pat. Did you even notice anything weird about them?”

“No,” Mason says. “Nothing that I can think of.”

“That’s what I thought. I guess I’m just trying to figure out the whole trade. I know Philly was desperate to get rid of Gauthier, but I can’t figure out why they picked Jamie over anyone else.”

“Well,” Mason says. “Now that you mention it. There was this one time I stayed late after practice, at the end of the season before Jamie got traded. Pat was there, which I thought was a little weird, but he checked in from time to time so it wasn’t crazy. Anyway, I was leaving and I heard voices in one of the hallways. I checked to see who was talking down there. It was Jamie and Pat.”

“What were they talking about?” 

“I don’t exactly know, it didn’t make sense. Pat was telling Jamie that he just had to keep doing what they were doing and it would work out in the end. Jamie said he didn’t want to keep doing it. Then Pat kind of shrugged and told him that he knew what the other option was, but Jamie said he wouldn't do that. I didn’t hear anything after that because they walked away. It never really made sense to me. I don’t know if that means anything to you.”

“It doesn’t really, but I guess it’s better than nothing. I’ll figure it out.”

Mason laughs, “have you tried asking Jamie about it?”

Trevor rolls his eyes, of course another person is telling him the same thing. “That’s complicated,” he finally says. “I will, just not yet.”

“Okay, whatever, you two have always had something weird going on. You’ll work it out sooner or later.”

“Okay, bye Mason,” Trevor is not going to let his former teammate chirp him about his, currently, nonexistent relationship with Jamie. After he hangs up the phone he thinks back on the time between him and Jamie getting together and Jamie getting traded. At the time he had been so focused on spending every second with Jamie and any time he couldn’t be with Jamie it was because he was playing hockey. He didn’t exactly have a lot of time to notice if Jamie had a strange relationship with their boss. It does make him remember a conversation the two of them had not long after they decided to officially get together.

…

Trevor had gotten home from practice before Jamie. Jamie had told him that he had to meet with the trainers right after, so they had driven separately. When Jamie finally walked through the door of their apartment he looked exhausted. 

“Trainers work you too hard?” Trevor half joked from the couch. He’d been waiting for Jamie to get home so that they could eat dinner and watch a movie.

Jamie just looked at him for a few seconds. “Yeah,” he finally agreed, kicking off his shoes. “It was a long session.”

Trevor nodded, “I pulled up a movie. You wanna come watch it or you gonna take a shower first?”

“Actually,” Jamie had said, moving over to the couch. “I think we should talk.”

Trevor was suddenly worried, “about what?” He asked, sitting up straighter. 

“I just think that now that we are together we should decide what we are telling people. I know we talked about it a little bit the other night, but I don’t think we ever really made a decision.”

“Okay,” Trevor agreed, relieved he’s not being broken up with less than a week after making their relationship official. “What people and what do you want to tell them?”

Jamie glanced down at the cross necklaces he’d already got in his hand, “I’m not telling my parents.” He confessed after a moment, “I don’t think they will be supportive of it and I think that it will just be best to wait.” He glanced up at Trevor, nervously.

“Jimmy, baby,” Trevor said. “That’s fine. You don’t have to tell them if you’re not ready. It’s not like a make or break part of our relationship. I haven’t told mine yet either.” Trevor’s parents were aware that he was bi, he had come out to them years ago, but he had a feeling Jamie hadn’t even tried to have that conversion with his parents yet. “Is that all you were worried about? Your parents?”

Jamie shook his head, but didn't say anything for a minute. “I don’t think we should tell the team or even act to couplely around them. You know what I mean? I just don’t know how they will react and I don’t want anyone to think it’s going to affect the team.”

“I agree that we don’t need to tell them right now,” Trevor said, slowly, “but I do think they have a right to know at some point, yeah? And if they don’t support us, then we’ll just find a new team that does.” Jamie looked sick at that thought. “We’ll put a pin in it for now and revisit at the end of the year,” Trevor decided. 

Jamie nodded, “that’s a good idea. I think I’m going to take a shower and then head to bed. I’m really tired and I have another session with the trainers tomorrow.” 

“Okay,” Trevor agreed. “I’m going to clean up out here and I’ll join you in a bit. I’ll put your food in the fridge in case you get hungry later.”

…

Looking back on it, Trevor does find it weird how many sessions Jamie had with the trainers, but he was recovering from a pretty bad injury, so it had made sense at the time. Now though, Trevor is wondering if he missed something that had been right in front of him. The more he thinks about it the weirder things seem to get. He remembers that in the month leading up to his trade Jamie was always leaving for somewhere early before practice or getting home late. Trevor had never questioned when he said he was with the trainers or working out, though it did seem weird that he did those things without Trevor. Jamie also made sure to never spend too much time with Trevor when the other guys were around. No matter how much Trevor wanted to be near his boyfriend Jamie always made sure to spend time with as many of the guys as he could, never staying next to Trevor for too long. Trevor, in the midst of a crisis, does what he always does when he needs advice, he calls Jack. 

“Yo!” Jack greets. “Did you talk to Jamie yet?”

“Kind of,” Trevor says, giving his best friend a half truth.

Jack sighs, “I have a feeling you got yourself into a deeper mess.”

“Kind of,” Trevor agrees.

“Alright,” Jack says, “I’ve got time, fill me in.”

Trevor spends the next thirty minutes filling Jack in on his fight with Jamie, his phone call with Mason, and his newly resurfaced memories. “So, I’m not really sure what it means,” he confesses. “Cuz so far it’s not looking great and I don’t want it to mean what I think it could mean.”

“I think it means you are an idiot,” Jack says, then he pauses for a second before adding, “Luke agrees, you’re an idiot.”

“Hey!” Trevor says, “you didn’t tell me Luke was around. Tell him he can’t call his honorary big brother names.” He doesn’t know how much Luke knows, but he has a feeling it’s more than he originally thought. 

“He doesn’t know what we’re talking about,” Jack says, and Trevor can feel him rolling his eyes, even from an hour and a half away. “He just came in here to bother me. Also, he says he’s glad you are only an honorary brother because otherwise Quinn probably would have killed you when we were kids.”

Trevor laughs, “I could take Quinn.”

“You have some height on him at least," Jack says, unhelpfully, “but that just proves my point that you are an idiot. You need to talk to Jamie instead of sitting there sulking assuming that he cheated on you.”

“You think he was cheating too?” Trevor asks, feeling completely dejected. As he’s asking he can hear Luke in the background yell, “Jamie cheated on Trevor?”

“No!” Jack says quickly. “I said you think he cheated on you. I don’t think he did. I think you need to talk to him. Also, Luke, get out of here.”

“What am I supposed to do?” Trever asks after he hears a door shut in the background. “Walk up to him and say, ‘hey Jamie, it’s really starting to look like you were cheating on me back in Anaheim and that’s why you asked for the trade. Care to confirm or deny?’ I don’t really think that’s the move here, Jack.”

“No,” Jack agrees, “I wouldn’t do it like that, but like I’ve been saying, you do just need to talk to him.”

“I know,” Trevor agrees, “but I feel like you are missing the bigger picture here.”

“Which is what?”

“He won’t talk to me.”

“I don’t know if that’s exactly true, though. From what you said earlier he tried to start a conversation and you turned him down.”

“That’s because he’s not going to tell me what’s really going on. He’s just going to tell me some half truth that doesn’t make any sense."

Jack sighs, “I think you have a choice to make Trev. You either have to talk to him and accept that, for whatever reason, he can’t, or won’t give you the full truth and you have to find a way to be okay with that. Or, you have to find a way to let it all go and move on with your life.”

“I just want the truth, Jack,” Trevor says. “Am I really asking for too much?”

“No,” Jack says, “but I think this is one of those situations where there is no clear answer. I don’t know Jamie super well, but I do know you. I know that you really love him and he seems like he really loves you. So, if he is telling you that for whatever reason he can’t give you the full truth, I think you should, at minimum, let him tell you whatever he feels like he can tell you and go from there.” 

Trever thinks it over for a little while. “I hate how things have been between us for the past few weeks,” he admits. “I guess at the end of the day, even if we don’t go back to exactly what we were, I just want to feel like I can sit in the same room as him again. I want Jamie back.”

“I know you do,” Jack says softly, “so, go tell him that.”

…

Trevor was planning on talking to Jamie before the game. Really, he was, but things just can’t seem to go his way today. After getting off the phone with Jack it took him way too long to fall asleep, meaning that he sleeps too late and by the time he gets to the arena he’s about ten minutes later than he usually is. He only has time to deflect the other guys’ various, dumb, questions about why he’s late before they head to the ice for warm ups. Jamie stands up front, like always to high five the guys as they head to the ice. Like every time, he jumps in line with one guy in front of Trevor. Trevor wonders how much bigger the hole in his heart can grow before a doctor will operate on it.

Once Trevor is on the ice TK pulls him into some game that pulls his attention away from Jamie. Then, before he knows it the game is starting. About half way through the first period Trevor decides it wouldn’t be fair to try and talk to Jamie in between periods, so he will have to wait until after the game. Somehow, they win in overtime against the Penguins. Trevor knows that they have to leave straight from the arena to the airport in order to get to Nashville for the second half or their back-to-back tomorrow. He realizes that that means he has to talk to Jamie before they get on the bus. He’s on his way back to the locker room with a half formed plan when he gets pulled for post game media. He rushes through the same six questions he has been answering since preseason; what does it mean for you to be playing here in Philly? How does it feel to win with a new team? Is there anything you guys still need to clean up? How are the lines feeling? What can you do differently in the next game? What does it mean to the team to win a game like this? Trevor does his best to give complete answers while also watching the time he has left to talk to Jamie tick down. 

By the time he gets back to the locker room there are only a few guys left. Jamie is nowhere to be seen. Trevor throws his gear off and puts his clothes back on as quickly as he can. He’s only half paying attention to what he is shoving in his bag before he zips it up and throws it on his back. He’s the last person on the bus and of course the seats next to Jamie are taken. He throws himself into a seat next to TK.

“You’re going to sleep good tonight,” TK laughs at him.

“What do you mean?”

“You look exhausted and you just played a pretty good game.”

“Yeah,” Trevor agrees. “It’s been a long day.” As the bus pulls out of the parking lot he can’t help, but remember, again, what travel days were like back in Anaheim. Jamie and Trevor would always claim seats in the back of the bus. There would be snacks, movies, shared earbuds, and of course falling asleep on each other's shoulders. Now, Jamie is in the middle of the bus sitting next to Cam and Trevor is stuck at the front of the bus with TK. Trevor is glad the ride to the airport doesn’t take too long. By the time they are half way there he already has another half formed plan on how he is going to get himself a seat next to Jamie on the plane. He doesn’t want to have the conversation that they have to have in front of the other guys, but he does want a chance to let Jamie know that he is ready for the conversions before they have it. Tonight would be ideal, they can get everything figured out before the game tomorrow. 

Trevor doesn’t believe in god, not really at least, but he does believe that someone, somewhere, is trying to keep him from talking to Jamie. As soon as they all get off the bus and are waiting to board the plane Trevor goes over to try and talk to Jamie. Before he gets more than a few steps Bobby comes up to him. 

“Couple of the guys are going to play cards on the flight and I volunteered you to deal the first round.”

“I’m not really in the mood to play cards right now,” Trevor tries. “I was just going to go to sleep.”

“You’ll have time to sleep when we get to the hotel, you haven’t played cards with us in forever.”

Trevor can already tell that he won’t be able to get out of this, “I’ll play a few rounds. Who else is playing?” A couple of rounds of cards shouldn’t stop him from talking to Jamie at some point on the 2 hour flight.

Bobby lists off the other guys who are playing with them, Jamie isn’t a part of the list. They get on the plane not long after. Trevor watches, from the middle of the plane, as Cam and Jamie make their way to the back. For the next two hours Trevor does his best to leave the game, but the other guys just keep pulling him back in. By the time they land, not only has Trevor not gotten a chance to talk to Jamie, but he has also lost at least a hundred dollars. They get on a bus to head to the hotel and Trevor once again doesn’t end up close enough to Jamie to talk to him. Trevor got on the bus pretty quickly and headed to the back. He watches as Jamie climbs on the bus and takes a seat closer to the front. Trevor spends most of the ten minute bus ride sulking, not really paying attention to where the bus is going, until it comes to a stop. Trevor looks out his window and is greeted with the same hotel he and Jamie had been in when Jamie was traded two years ago. Realistically, Trevor knew at some point in his career there was a chance he would end up back in that hotel, it was one of three that were often used for the visiting team in Nashville, but it hadn’t happened yet and he wasn’t prepared for it to happen now. 

As everyone heads into the lobby to get their room assignments Trevor looks over at Jamie. He looks indifferent, like he doesn’t remember what happened the last time the two of them were in this building. Trevor is about to go over to him when the team manager calls his name, “room 314,” she says, handing him his key card. He nods, planning to stay in the lobby and figure out what room Jamie is in, but Cam comes over to talk to him.

“Wanna go upstairs and put our stuff down before dinner? Deslauriers won’t stop talking about this stake house he wants to go to tonight.”

“I don’t know,” Trevor says. “I was planning on just staying here tonight. Maybe ordering room service or something.”

“Okay,” Cam says. “Either way, let’s go upstairs. No point in hanging around down here.”

Trevor glances around the room, but it seems like in the minute he had been talking to Cam Jamie had gotten his room number and disappeared upstairs. “Yeah,” Trevor agrees. “Let’s go.”

…

Trevor doesn’t mean to fall asleep, he was just going to sit down for a second and figure out if the team would think he had gone crazy if he knocked on every door on the third floor until Jamie answered. However, he was more tired than he realized because as soon as he laid down on his bed he was asleep. Trevor wakes up to his alarm going off the next morning. He groans as he rolls over to turn it off. He only has a few minutes to take a shower and get ready before he has to be downstairs for breakfast. There are still a couple guys hanging around when Trevor gets down there, most of the team is already back upstairs waiting to leave for morning skates. Trevor looks around for Jamie, but he doesn’t see him anywhere.

The next time Trevor does see Jamie is in the locker room getting ready for morning skate, which is not the best time to try and talk to him, so he doesn’t. The rest of the day passes by so quickly Trevor doesn’t have a chance to talk to Jamie. After the morning skate they head back to the hotel for lunch and pregame naps. Then it’s dinner and off to the rink for the game. 

…

They are doing pretty well against the Preds. The game is 2-1 with six minutes left in the first period. Trevor has the puck, he’s skating down past the blue line. He can see Cam is open on his side, so he makes a quick pass through the traffic. The fact that he no longer has the puck doesn’t stop one of the Predators’ defenseman, in fact he seems to speed up, as if he is trying to reach Trevor faster. By the time Trevor sees the hit coming it’s too late. He doesn’t have time to brace himself before he is being slammed into the boards. For a few seconds everything is black. He can hear voices, someone is saying his name, but his head is spinning too much to really make anything out. Slowly, he opens his eyes, he immediately groans as the bright lights only make his head hurt more. 

“You’re okay,” someone says, “just stay still for a second.”

He turns his head towards the voice and he’s unsurprised to see that it’s one of the trainers. “I’m good,” he says, starting to sit up. “Just a little dizzy.”

“Yeah,” the trainer agrees, “you hit your head pretty hard, when you’re ready we’ll take you to get evaluated.”

It takes a few more seconds before Trevor feels like he can stand up without throwing up. The trainer walks next to him as he goes down the tunnel. Before he is completely out of ear shot he can hear the refs giving out penalties. He must have hit his head harder than he thought though because he swears he can hear Jamie getting five minutes for fighting. That doesn’t make any sense though because there is no way Jamie would get into a fight over him, not anymore at least. 

Trevor is brought back to see the team doctor, who tells him he has a minor concussion and that he’ll have to sit out for the next few games. She also tells him that they are going to have someone drive him back to the hotel so that he can get some rest and that he should stay off screens for the next few days. She gives him some meds to help with the pain and tells him he can take more in a few hours. Other than the minor concussion he’s fine, just a little sore, but nothing's broken, so he’s counting it as a win.

The drive back to the hotel is quick and quiet, which Trevor is grateful for because just being in the car is making him feel a little sick. Once he is back in his room Trevor keeps all the lights off as he changes into a tee-shirt and shorts to sleep in. Before he gets into bed he pulls Jamie’s blue blanket out of his bag. He pulls it around himself before he falls asleep. 

When Trevor wakes up it’s still dark outside and his head is pounding. He fumbles around in the dark for a few seconds before he finds the pills the doctor gave him. He swallows one dry and lies back down. It’s still dark out, so hopefully he can get a few more hours of sleep before he has to force himself onto the bus. After laying there for what feels like forever and not being able to fall back asleep Trevor sits up. He glances at his phone and he’s happy when it doesn’t make his head hurt any more than it already does. It’s only ten pm meaning the team probably hasn’t been back for very long, Trevor wonders if that’s what woke him up.  The hallway is quiet and Trevor decides a quick walk might do him some good. He’s sure the doctor wouldn't be happy with him, but she’s not here, so it will be fine. He grabs a sweater on his way out, he doesn’t really have a plan for where he is going until he gets to the elevator. The button for the top floor catches his eye. He remembers one of the hotel’s selling features is a rooftop garden. Jamie and him had planned to check it out the last time they stayed here, but they didn’t get a chance. He decides it will be a good way to get some fresh air without being in the streets of downtown Nashville the day before Halloween, with a concussion. 

The elevator drops him off at the top floor and he finds the staircase to the roof pretty quickly from there. Once he’s up there it takes a second for his eyes to adjust the dim lighting. He is glad when he realizes that he is high enough up that the noise from the streets below is just a dim background noise and it doesn’t hurt his head. Then he notices someone else is already up here. He plans to just move to the other side of the roof and leave them alone, but the sound of the door closing behind him prompts the other person to turn around.

“Trevor?” Of course it’s Jamie, that’s just Trevor’s luck. “Are you okay? Shouldn’t you be in bed? They said you had a concussion.”

“I’m okay, I just woke up and couldn’t fall back asleep, thought the fresh air might be nice.”

“Come here,” Jamie says, waving Trevor over to the edge when he is standing. Trevor hesitates, wondering if Jamie is going to push him over the edge, before he walks over to stand next to Jamie and look out over the railing at the city below. “Are you sure you’re okay? It looked like a pretty bad hit.”

“Yeah,” Trevor assures him. “It wasn’t that terrible, just caught me off guard mostly. The doctor said it was a really mild concussion. I’m already cleared to fly, I just need to rest for a little bit. I’ll miss a few games as precaution, but they aren’t too worried about me.”

“I was,” Jamie admits quietly. “When I saw you hit the ice and you didn’t get back up, freaked me out.”

“You get in a fight for me?” Trevor half jokes.

Jamie nods, “hit him pretty hard.”

Trevor turns away from the city to look at Jamie. There is nothing on his face that makes Trevor think he is joking. Jamie really did get into a fight for him. “Thank you,” he finally says.

Jamie shrugs, “I’ve always fought for you, no point in stopping now.”

“What does that mean?” Trevor asks. He decides now is as good a time as ever to try and talk to Jamie. 

Jamie turns to Trevor, “when you got hit tonight I was really worried about you.” Trevor nods, Jamie had already said that, but he knows Jamie. He knows that Jamie is about to say something, he just needs to be quiet and listen for a second. “Trevor, I was worried that something was going to happen to you and that I wouldn’t ever get the chance to tell you the truth.”

“So, tell me,” Trevor says, it comes out more desperate than he had hoped it would. “I’m right here, tell me what’s going on.”

“I want to,” Jamie looks like he’s going to cry. “Since the day it started I wanted to tell you, but I’m afraid.”

“It’s just me,” Trevor reassures him. “You know you can tell me anything.”

Jamie is quiet for a few minutes before he speaks again. “I never told my parents I was gay,” he finally says, Trevor glances at the cross Jamie is holding. “There was never a right time, but I think they know, or at least assume. My dad always told me that gay men wouldn’t make it to the NHL, so I tried to hide it you know? It was supposed to be easier that way. Everything was fine for a while, I got drafted, I was playing pretty good, everything was fine. Until I met you. The second I saw you at that Worlds game I fell in love with you. Like some movie shit, love at first sight. I tried to ignore it, you know? We were about to be teammates and start playing in the NHL, and I thought you were straight, and I didn’t want to ruin the friendship we had together. Those three years, though, where we were living together and traveling together and going from the Ducks to the Gulls and back. We were doing everything together and you made it really hard not to love you as more than a friend,” Jamie is crying now, but so is Trevor.

“Dude, do you know how hard you made it for me?” Trevor asks. “I think I fell in love with you the second I saw you too. I didn’t think you would want to be with me though, so I tried to give you some space.”

Jamie laughs through his tears, “you didn’t do a very good job of that though, did you? It was at the start of the ‘22 season that I think things went totally sideways. I maybe wasn’t doing such a good job of hiding my crush on you. I think everyone, but you, knew about it. I got a call from Pat’s office one day, he wanted to meet with me. He told me that there was still time before the trade deadline passed, that it was only February and that I should get myself under control or risk not playing for the Ducks anymore. I told him I didn’t know what he was talking about and he laughed at me. He said that if I wasn’t careful I was going to ruin everything for myself and for you. I tried to put some distance in between us after that. I didn’t want to end our friendship, but I also didn’t want anything to happen to our careers.”

Trevor remembers that there was a period of time before they ever got together when Jamie seemed almost hesitant to hang out with him. “I thought you didn’t like me,” he tells Jamie. “I thought that you knew about my crush on you and you didn’t want to be around me anymore.”

Jamie shakes his head, “I wanted to be with you so badly, but I didn’t want Pat to do anything. I thought that Pat would give up after the deadline passed, that things would be okay and we could be friends again over the summer.”

“That’s the night we first kissed,” Trevor says “and I told you that I had wanted to be with you for the longest time.”

Jamie nods, he’s crying harder now. “I’m sorry I did that to you,” he says. “That wasn’t fair to you.”

“Jamie, what are you talking about?” Trevor is really confused now. He remembers that night, how could he forget it.

…

It was late when Jamie got home. Trevor wasn’t even sure why he was waiting for him. For the past two months it felt like Jamie was doing his best to avoid Trevor, at least in public. Once they got home Jamie didn’t seem to have a problem sitting with Trevor to watch a movie, or getting dinner together, or even just sitting on the rooftop for hours talking. When the front door finally opened Jamie walked through and he didn't look good.

“Are you okay?” Trevor asked, as he jumped up from the couch and hurried towards his friend. Jamie looked like he had been crying, there were tear tracks dried onto his face and there were still tears in his eyes. His shoes were untied, like he had thrown them on as quickly as he could and he was holding his sweater. That let Trevor see the rip on the left shoulder of his tee-shirt. None of that was as worrying as the bruise that was forming on Jamie’s face, on his right cheekbone, like he had been punched. Trevor had grabbed Jamie’s face to look at the mark, “what happened.”

Jamie just shook his head, “I’m okay. Just some idiots down the street.”

Trevor couldn’t remember where Jamie said he was going tonight, it was more likely that Jamie hadn’t said, just disappeared. “What did they want? Did you call the police?”

Jamie had shook his head again, “the police aren’t going to do anything. It’s no big deal. I’m okay, I just need some ice.”

“Go change, I’ll get you some ice and food.”

Jamie disappeared down the hallway and while Trevor was heating up left overs from his own dinner he heard the shower turn on. Jamie’s shower seemed to take longer than it normally did, but Trevor wasn’t exactly counting the seconds to see how long it was. When Jamie did finally come back into the kitchen Trevor directed him to the couch and handed him the ice pack. “I’ll bring out dinner if you want to pick a movie.” When Trevor got back out to the living room Jamie was sitting in the same spot Trevor had left him, curled up in the corner of the couch, shaking, the ice pack laid next to him melting. “Jamie? You okay?”

Jamie seemed to snap out of it, “yeah,” he said quietly, “I’m okay.” 

Trevor set the plate of food on the coffee table and took a seat next to Jamie, close, but not too close. Then he handed Jamie the ice pack again and picked Jamie’s favorite blue blanket up off the back of the couch. He used it to cover both of them up. They sat there without saying anything for a few minutes. Jamie held the ice pack to his face while he slowly picked at his food. The room had gotten dark by then, just the faint glow of the tv, that was still paused on whatever Trevor had been watching before Jamie got back. It was too dark to get a good look at Jamie, but Trevor was pretty sure he was crying. 

“Jamie,” Trevor said, softly, “I don’t know what’s going on, but whatever it is, I’m here. It’s okay. You can tell me anything Jamie, you're my best friend.” 

To his surprise Jamie turned to look at him, Trevor expected him to deflect again, like he had before, but instead he started crying harder. “I have to tell you something, Trevor, but I don’t want it to ruin our friendship. You mean too much to me, Trevor."

“Jamie,” Trevor said carefully. “It’s okay, just tell me what’s going on.” He moved a little closer to Jamie. “Nothing you have to say can ruin what we have.” Trevor had a feeling he knew what Jamie was going to say. He wanted to make sure Jamie knew that he felt the same way. “Whatever it is, it will be okay.”

To his surprise Jamie moved closer to him, the gap that they had started with, as small as it was, was no longer there. They were sitting pressed together. If Trevor leaned just a little farther forwards he was sure his nose would press against Jamie’s. “Trevor, I think I like you, like more than a friend. More than I should,” Jamie finally said, in a voice barely above a whisper. Trevor was sure he wouldn’t be able to hear Jamie at all if they hadn’t been sitting so close together. 

“Jamie,” he said, equally as quietly. “I feel the same way. I think I have for a long time.” 

Jamie looked relieved, he leaned forward, closing the last of the gap between them and kissed Trevor. Trevor wasn’t sure when Jamie had dropped the ice pack, but he could feel it pressed between them as he tried to get closer to Jamie. At some point they pulled away from each other, but they didn’t move away from each other. They stayed like that the rest of the night, pressed close together with Jamie’s dinner getting cold on the coffee table and the ice pack melted somewhere, lost in the couch.

…

“Where were you that night?” Trevor asks, the vague story Jamie had told him never really made sense to him before, but Jamie didn’t want to talk about it, so he had never pushed. Now, though he needs to know. 

Jamie wraps his arms around himself and sobs, “he made me.”

Trevor takes a half step back, “Jamie?” he asks, desperately. “What happened?”

“I wasn’t listening to him.” Jamie continues. “I wasn’t spending enough time away from you. He had asked me to move out of the apartment, to find somewhere else to live. I told him I didn’t want to. I liked living with you.” Trevor can barely understand him from how hard he’s crying. “He invited me to his house that night. He told me if I wasn’t there he was going to get me removed from the NHL. He said that he would make sure I never played hockey again. He said that he would send you back to the Gulls and that you would never play in the NHL again. I didn’t want him to do that to you. I was so scared Trevor, I didn’t know what to do.”

Trevor pulls Jamie into a hug, he can feel how hard the younger man is shaking, “it’s okay. You’re okay. I’ve got you.” Trevor can feel the tears dripping down his face, landing in Jamie’s hair. “I’ve got you now,” he promises, “it’s okay.”

Jamie’s not done talking though, “then I got home and you were still up waiting for me. You were so worried about me and even though I didn’t tell you the truth you still took care of me. I didn’t think things could get any worse, so I kissed you. Then the next day I left, I went back home and I just tried to forget everything. I spent the whole summer waiting for the phone call that I was getting traded, but it never came. I thought we were safe, that he had gotten over it and we could be happy together, that’s all I wanted. Then the next season started and he called me to set up a meeting. He told me that I had a choice to make. It was us or hockey. He told me that I couldn’t have both, that I didn’t deserve to have both. He said if I didn’t pick he would and I wouldn’t like what he picked. I begged him to reconsider, there had to be a way I could stay with you and we could stay on the Ducks. He said he would think about it.”

Trevor takes a deep breath, he doesn’t know if he’s trying to calm himself down or Jamie, “what happened?”

Jamie sounds sick as he tells Trevor, “a week later, right before preseason started he called me back to his office. He said that as long as I was playing for the Ducks and seeing you I had to ‘check in’ with him once a week. I wanted to be with you and stay on the Ducks, so I agreed.” Jamie is sobbing again, “I said yes. I told him it was okay.”

“No,” Trevor says, firmly. “Even if you did say yes that was blackmail, or abuse of power, he wouldn’t have taken no for an answer. You did what you thought you had to do. It’s not your fault. None of this is your fault.”

Jamie nods, “I did it for as long as I could, but I guess after a while he got bored. I was hurt and not performing how he wanted me to on or off the ice. He told me at the beginning of November that I had a choice to make. I could agree to a trade, or he would get you involved. I begged him not to. I told him I would take the trade as long as he promised never to touch you. He told me that as long as I was traded and agreed to leave you alone he won’t do anything to you. I told him I would take the trade. I just didn’t want anything to happen to you. That’s why I wasn’t surprised when I got traded two months later. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to hurt you anymore than I already was. I’m so sorry, Trevor.”

“It’s okay,” Trevor tells him, pulling him into another hug. “I understand. I’m so sorry you went through that. That’s not fair, you shouldn’t have felt like you had to go through all that alone. I wish I could have helped you.”

Jamie shakes his head, “I didn’t want you involved. Trevor, I worried about you every day after I got traded. I was so worried he was hurting you like he hurt me. When you showed up at my apartment I have never been more scared in my life. I didn’t know what you were doing or what Pat knew. I thought it was some sort of sick joke, you saying you got traded here. I don’t think Pat would ever allow that.”

Trevor laughs, “I don’t think he had much choice. I wasn’t playing well for the Ducks after you left, I didn’t want to be playing well. I was pretty much begging to be traded so when the Flyers said they wanted me I think it just made sense to get rid of me.”

Jamie laughs, “I’m glad they got rid of you then.”

“Me too.” 

“I’m sorry I’ve been so terrible to you the past few weeks. I thought it would be easier to keep you away. I didn’t want anything to happen to us again.”

“It’s okay,” Trevor promises. “I understand. You’re okay. We’re okay. I love you so much Jimmy baby.”

“I love you too, Trev.” 

They stay up on the roof for a little while longer, just like they used to. Trevor doesn’t let go of Jamie until he yawns.

Jamie yawns too, “we should go to bed. It’s getting late and you still have a concussion.”

Trevor agrees, “come back to my room?”

Jamie hesitates, “you want me to?”

“Jamie, that’s all I’ve wanted since the second you told me you were getting traded two years ago.”

They head back downstairs and into Trevor’s room. “You still have my blanket," Jamie says when he sees the blue blanket laying on the mess of covers that is Trevor’s bed. 

Trevor nods, “You said you didn’t want it anymore and I don’t think I’ve slept without it since the trade.”

It doesn’t take the two of them to curl up in bed together. Jamie falls asleep pretty quickly, but Trevor lays awake for a little while longer, unable to fall asleep. Finally, he grabs his phone. Now, in the pitch black room, the light does hurt his head, but he chooses to ignore that as he opens his texts with Jack. 

‘Can you use your freaky hockey nepo baby situation to get Pat Verbeek fired for me?’ 

He’s a bit surprised when Jack calls him right away, it is the middle of the night. He declines the call and texts Jack again, ‘I’ll call you later, Jamie is asleep right now.’ Jack sends back a thumbs up and a bunch of kissy face emojis, but leaves the conversation alone for now.

…

Jamie and Trevor are lucky when they leave Trevor’s room the next morning to an empty hallway. They are able to get back to Jamie’s room, which Trevor learns is actually right across the hall, without running into anyone else. Once Jamie has changed and showered they head downstairs for breakfast. 

Cam glances up at them as they walk in. He looks back at his plate before his head snaps back up, “did you two just run into each other in the hallway and happen to walk in here together or what?”

“Yeah,” Trevor says, “something like that.”

Cam squints, looking between them, “what’s going on here?” 

“Nothing,” Jamie says, going to get a plate. “We’re friends, we can’t walk to breakfast together?”

“Are you jealous?” Trevor jokes. “It’s okay, Jamie will hang out with you, as long as he’s not with me.”

Cam rolls his eyes, “glad that hit knocked some sense into both of you and you finally kissed and made up. Mom and dad constantly fighting was starting to affect the kids.”

…

Two hours later when the team is heading back to the bus the news has spread to the whole team that Jamie and Trevor are speaking again. 

Sean stops them before they get on the bus, “I know Trevor hit his head pretty hard last night, but are you two okay.”

Jamie laughs, “like three days ago you were begging us to work things out and be friends again and now that we are you’re acting like we are about to light the bus on fire.”

Sean narrows his eyes, “are you planning on lighting the bus on fire?”

“No,” Trevor laughs. “We talked last night. We worked things out. It’s all good.” 

Trevor and Jamie head to the back of the bus. Jamie takes the window seat, like always. Trevor settles into the seat next to him. It doesn’t take long for his head to find Jamie’s shoulder, he is still recovering from a concussion and they stayed up a bit too late last night. Before he falls asleep Trevor looks up at Jamie, who smiles back down at him, for the first time in two years Trevor knows that they are going to be okay.