Chapter Text
Abaddon was playing outside the Undervale Hotel, more specifically plucking yellow roses and lilies from the backyard’s gardens. He didn’t know why he was doing it but it helped pass time nonetheless.
We should put the flowers on our next offering we give to the family! William suggested gleefully, hovering over the patches of flowers and admiring them.
“Having praise over such small things that last a brief moment is useless.” Abaddon said, fidgeting with the petals of a flower.
You might believe that but it does matter a lot. When you don’t have a lot of time with something short lived, you want to savor every moment with said thing or person. Cherish every little thing with them so they may live forever in your memories. Like these flowers, they may not live long but you can still admire and cherish it while you still can.
William spoke, turning to Abaddon to sit next to him. Abaddon just stared at him for a second before looking back at the flowers. How strange. Abaddon never really saw it that way, not because he didn’t know but he didn’t know how to react to that perspective.
“How philosophical for a child your age.” Abaddon only responded as he looked back at William again.
I guess that's what happens when you stick around for 300 years. You learn and notice. William giggled. Before Abaddon possessed him, William was a very perceptive and smart child. Always good and showing up to school and church in time, and liked by almost everybody in the village, maybe that’s why Abaddon was caught so quickly. He didn’t know how to be ‘good’.
Before Abaddon was about to reply, he heard a voice of a young girl calling his name out from behind him. Both William and Abaddon turned around to see a girl with orange, short hair and an oversized green coat.
“Hey, Abaddon! Whatcha doing?” Esther yelled out as she caught up to Abaddon, exhaling deeply before looking down at the sitting Abaddon.
“Recreating torture with flowers.” Abaddon calmly answered, standing up as he placed the flowers he held down. Esther noticed it and looked down. She saw a bunch of flowers clumped together or ripped from their petals.
“Sounds fun.” Esther nodded. “Anyways, mom said it’s dinner time so we should go back now.” Esther claimed as she held her hand out for Abaddon. He only looked down and grabbed her hand before nodding. They ran back to the hotel with William following closely behind.
Remember to wash your hands! William quickly reminded him. Abaddon could only scowl and grumbled under his breath as they reached the hotel.
When they were inside, Esther, Abaddon (and William) were met with Katherine putting the food onto the table.
“Oh good, you kids are here. Ben has already set the table and is washing his hands. Make sure you do the same.” Katherine told them, pointing towards the bathroom.
“Okay, okay… c’mon Abaddon.” Esther gestured to Abaddon and they walked to the bathroom.
-.-. .... . .-. .. ... ....
During dinner, the whole family sat down and ate, even Nathan and William who were just disembodied souls hovered over the chairs. Ben and Esther were throwing peas at each other leading to Katherine scolding the both of them. The rest of dinner was just light chatter with occasional laughter and jokes. Nathan said a joke which just caused Katherine to shift uncomfortably.
“Oh wow, grapes! Reminds me of my upcoming deathday, heh.” Nathan lightheartedly said, trying to nudge Katherine with his elbow.
“Right…” Katherine softly said, suddenly becoming interested in her rice and focusing on it. Abaddon also shifted slightly, not by un-comfortability but by rather by a strange emotion. He obviously knew that Nathan didn't really die by choking on grapes watching Con Air. Like always, he pushed that feeling to the deepest part of his mind. William quickly noticed his subtle expression.
You okay, Abby?
“… Fine…” Abaddon muttered faintly. He didn’t like that feeling, especially at a time like this where it was supposed to be full of cheer, well according to Ben.
Dinner soon ended and everyone went their separate ways. Ben went to take his 30 minute bath while Esther went to her room to unfortunately finish a project that was due tomorrow. Katherine went to wash the dishes while Nathan was joyfully chatting with her. Abaddon observed their conversation, he didn’t understand how Nathan was still so positive even after his unfortunate death. He knows most ghosts don’t remember their death but it was still so puzzling how one can be so disassociated with life can then suddenly become happy again.
Abaddon and William headed to the nearest vent and crawled inside. He needed to shake off these feelings and recollect his thoughts. He went to the specific corner in the vents which was usually his place of rest. It was a bit cramped but it was comfortable for Abaddon, maybe not for William but he liked seeing the things Abaddon was collecting. Abaddon would gather skeletons of many animals as trophies or trinkets he’d stolen like jewellery and nik-naks what not. Once William scolded Abaddon for stealing is a sin but Abaddon argued back that “Is it really stealing if they will forget about it?” He also bargained that he could steal candy which William liked so he backed off.
There was one item in Abaddon’s secret corner that wasn’t really talked about by him. It was an urn. An urn of what?
Nathan’s ashes.
He had stolen them off a counter when Katherine wasn’t looking. He didn’t know why he took them. He didn’t know why he even kept them and held it close. He just felt as if he was obligated to. Like a sense of sinking pulls him towards Nathan’s ashes. He hated it for some reason.
Maybe it’s because we both miss him. His gentle hugs too. William once said as he gazed over the held urn. Abaddon only hummed in response as he held the urn tight. Was it just because he missed him? Or is it also because he felt… guilty.
Guilty? For what? The great Abaddon of Hell does not feel any guilt for mortals, so why does this emotion feel so heavy when he thinks about it? It is because he didn’t tell anyone how he knew about Nathan’s plan for a long time or because he didn’t do anything to stop him. Maybe both.
Abaddon started clawing his sleeves, his knees held up against his chest. The feeling of (unnecessary?) guilt was extra intense today. He did do the logical action right?
William watched Abaddon’s discomfort. He knew if he asked he would get dismissed but it didn’t hurt to try. Literally nothing could really hurt him.
Uhm, Abaddon? Are you sure you’re okay? We can talk if you want. William tried to comfort. He’d seen his mother do it when he was feeling sad so he tried it the same way she did
Abaddon looked up from the urn and met William’s blue eyes. Abaddon took a deep breath before opening his mouth to speak.
“Brother, have you ever felt an emotion of… guilt?” It was a simple question even though he was hesitant, Abaddon expected a straightforward response. William widened his eyes a bit, unsure of what to say. There was a time when he wasn’t possessed and was playing in the kitchen. He couldn’t remember what he was doing but he knows he accidentally broke a plate. William then tried to hide it from his parents but he soon confessed after the guilt of lying started to weigh him down.
Yes. It was a bit trivial though but lying to my own parents was something I couldn’t do. There was a hint of sadness in his voice but Abaddon wasn’t focused on that.
“What did you do to get rid of said feeling?” It was starting to feel more like an interrogation than a conversation but Abaddon was somewhat desperate to get answers. He leaned forward, squinting his eyes at William.
Well, I just… told my parents what happened. A… confession like my father said. William replied, putting his knees against his chest.
“I see…” It seemed so simple but confessing of one’s sins didn't make what happened disappear so that idea was dismissed.
Why do you ask, Abby?
“I was just curious.” Abaddon exhaled sharply as he placed the urn beside him. That was half true. He wanted to know if humans do feel what he felt at that moment and beforehand. He also just needed to hear an experience from William to compare his internal situation but it didn’t really help.
Days went by and Nathan’s deathday came closer and closer. Not only that, Abaddon’s feelings of guilt would get stronger which irritated him a lot. He didn’t like it when thoughts flew through his head saying things like “Why didn’t I help him?” Or “I should’ve done something and saved our dad.” Sometimes, there would be the thought of confessing circling back into his mind and Abaddon would start to give in but would soon snap back to reality, trying to convince himself it wasn’t his fault for Nathan’s death. So why does it feel like it was?
Once, Abaddon (and William) were sitting on the carpet of the living and drawing with the supplies Katherin bought in her previous shopping trip. They were both enjoying themselves: William helping with the selection of colors while Abaddon was recreating images of his demonic form though it was more likely just an excuse to distract himself. Once finished, Abaddon raised the paper up proudly, smirking as he admired his work. Though it wasn’t as detailed, William still thought it was the best thing drawn yet. Then, an idea popped into his head.
We should draw a picture of us and dad! You know, to thank him for sheltering us. William cheerfully pointed to a plank sheet of paper and Abaddon’s focus shifted to that. For some reason, he just stared at it for an unnaturally long time. It wasn’t because he did not illustrate that idea, he did want to. It just reminded him of that evening. William pulled his hand back.
Abaddon..?
“We should stop now.” Abaddon dismissively said, putting his hands on his knees to stand up. “The Matriarch had mentioned beforehand that we should ‘not waste the crayons in a day’.” Even though Abaddon did not want to stop, he wanted to draw on everything in the hotel: walls, tables, floors and whatnot but that stupid feeling came like a kick in the gut (even if Abaddon had a high pain tolerance in a literal sense).
William was dumbfounded with his reasoning, usually Abaddon would cause chaos with just a few crayons. Something was wrong with him.
“Next time we shall draw. Nathan has alrea-”
“I’ve been summoned?” Suddenly a voice interrupted and the both of them turned around. A head of middle-aged man with a mustache phased through the living room wall before his whole ghostly body walked through towards where Abaddon was standing.
“Nathan, how could I have summoned you? I haven’t even set up a ritual with the correct items needed.” Abaddon raised an eyebrow at him, gripping a red crayon in his left hand.
Nathan chuckled and put his hand on his hip. “It’s just a saying, pal. I was just walking past when I heard my name.” He pointed towards the hallway before returning his attention to Abaddon.
“You react quickly, like a hunter.” Abaddon simply pointed out, seeing how fast Nathan appeared just after he mentioned his name.
His sudden appearance scared me! William proclaimed, he did always get startled by sudden things.
“Well no wonder I win so many reaction type games!” Nathan spoke with such pride and positivity it was almost sickening. Though it was just Nathan’s cheerfulness, it certainly didn’t help either the gut wrenching emotion he was experiencing.
“Watcha drawing there, Abaddon?” Nathan asked, interrupting his thoughts and bringing his focus back on Nathan. Nathan tilted his head past Abaddon to see a bunch of crayons and paper on the floor.
“Recounts of past journeys in Hell.” Abaddon turned his head to look at the scribbles and work he made. Most of the drawings were very bloody and gory, along with a recreation of his demon form. Nathan crouched down to get a closer look and widened his eyes.
“Wow, Abaddon! It’s very, uhm… detailed, wow!” Nathan exclaimed, though the works were disturbing he acknowledged the effort put into it.
Dad likes it! William joyfully said, jumping up and down. Abaddon couldn’t help but smile just a little bit.
“Why don’t I ask your aunt to hang it up on the fridge, is that okay?” Nathan stood back up and turned his heel back to Abaddon, clasping his hands together at the same time.
“Yes, then everyone would know what I’m capable of through my illustrations!” Abaddon raised his fist up, trying to seem proud and confident. Nathan smiled and tried to pat Abaddon’s head. Unsurprisingly, his hand phased through a bit and Abaddon felt as if cold wind had touched him.
Later, Abaddon (and William) were in the kitchen watching Katherine look through the drawings. It was intriguing to see Katherine’s reactions with each art piece, from disturbed to surprised? He didn’t know what to call her expression.
“You’re very artistic with your depictions? I don’t know what to say…” Katherine sucked her teeth, seemingly trying not to hurt Abaddon’s feelings though Abaddon didn't really catch on.
“Yes, I am a great depicter of evil.” Abaddon claimed and crossed his arms across his chest.
Is she going to hang the drawings in the fridge yet? William was eager to see the work being displayed like the others before, egging Abaddon on as he leaned against the table.
“I’ll hang the less disturbing ones…” Katherine said as she started to select the illustrations.
“What, why?” Abaddon retorted, standing up from his chair.
“So you could have space for your future drawings..!” It was half of the truth, Katherine just didn’t want to see a drawing of someone getting tortured every time she’s in the kitchen.
Abaddon hesitantly nodded and sat back down while Katherine turned her back to pin the drawings with the magnets. That gave him some time to think. He still wanted to rid himself of the guilt that comes and goes but he still doesn’t know how. Is there a spell Esther could find for him? Abaddon grumbled under his breath and covered his face with his hands. He remembered his conversation with William a few days earlier, how William’s strategy was just confessing. It may have helped him overcome that emotion but will it help Abaddon? It seemed he had no other choices. He removed his hands slowly and raised his head. The first people he saw was the concerned face of William looking over him and the back of Katherine who was still pinning drawings on the fridge. It wouldn’t hurt to try… right? Abaddon deeply exhaled then shifted his head to William.
“I need to say something to you… and Katherine.” Abaddon whispered, concern heightened in William’s face.
Okay…
Abaddon nodded silently and turned his focus onto Katherine. Luckily, the matriarch had just finished hanging the pictures and turned to Abaddon.
“Alright, fini-“ Katherine was cut off with the face of Abaddon, his expression grim. “You okay, Abaddon?” Katherine tried to reach out, walking towards him as he looked like he was about to say something bad which he was.
Abaddon looked at William then back to Katherine.
“Katherine, there’s something I need to confess.” Though he only said her name, it was also directed to William.
“Nathan was secretly rehearsing his death. Every night.” Abaddon began slowly, looking straight at her. He could see the shock growing in both of their eyes.
“Maybe I just wasn’t as desperate for him…” Abaddon continued. He knew Nathan was in desperate need of company, someone to help with his loneliness, even if it was from a demon. It was probably the reason why Nathan somehow held up with Abaddon’s antics and shenanigans.
Katherine was at a loss for words just as William but still let Abaddon finish what he was saying, even if millions of questions bombarded her head.
Abaddon felt his stomach and heart ache even to the point he started to grip his sleeves tight but he kept going. He might as well finish what he started.
“I know my love was different from yours…” Abaddon seemed to crack, his voice breaking with every word.
“But it was love too!” Abaddon proclaimed with a desperate tone on his face. It was true, he did grow very fond of Nathan, he just didn’t know how to express it and when Nathan was planning his own suicide, Abaddon was starting to believe it was because he didn’t show how he actually cared but he he always did avoid his thoughts he believed were wrong for a demon.
“Who could really blame me?” Abaddon protested, he didn’t want Katherine and William to change their point of view of him.
“If you’d seen the look on his face,” Abaddon confessed, he felt as if a hot liquid was swelling in his eyes, which was happening. He felt his cheek and a fat tear leaked onto his finger. He swallowed hard.
“You wouldn’t be able to judge me either!” Abaddon finally said, he was panting and he didn’t know why. It’s not like he ran from a monster or anything. In Abaddon’s defense, Nathan was so cheerful then slowly got more and more depressed and Abaddon decided to spare him the misery by not interacting with his problems. He looked up and saw Katherine and William’s expressions. Katherine’s hand was over her mouth while William just stood still silently. Abaddon’s stomach dropped, sure confessing did ease the guilt by a lot but the tension between them was thick, and all Abaddon could do was wait for their reactions.
The room was quiet.
“Oh, Abaddon…” Katherine finally spoke, breaking the heavy and uncomfortable silence. She tried to reach for him but hesitated and pulled her arm back. She didn’t know what to say about this, it felt so sudden but then again, Abaddon was never good at timing. Katherine felt mad that Abaddon knew and didn’t do anything, but she also felt empathetic towards him. She knew that Abaddon didn't really understand emotions or feelings and seeing how he confessed made her feel worse for him.
William was just stunned, he now just realized what Nathan was doing all those nights and Abaddon did not tell him. Because he was young? He felt emotions of anger and sadness in his heart as he stared at Abaddon then the floor.
Abaddon took a deep breath and simply looked at the both of them.
“I was foolish, I thought- no, I believed I wasn’t part of it, that I didn’t want to be involved with Nathan’s misery just because I pitied him and now… I face the consequences…” Abaddon looked down at his shoes from under the table and awaited his punishment, maybe hoping it wouldn’t be as bad as he thought but he did keep a terrible secret for a terribly long time.
“Abaddon… I-I… need to think…” Katherine pondered about Abaddon’s reasoning, and she rested her hand on her forehead.
Why… was the only word William said. Abaddon didn’t want to look at him.
“Look Abaddon, it’s not your- Abaddon!” Katherine called out. Abaddon was impatient, he wanted it over already. So he bolted off, out of the kitchen. Of course, he unintentionally dragged William along since they were soul bound. Abaddon could hear Katherine call out his name but he just ignored it.
Abaddon! Wait! William yelled, trying to stop Abaddon from running but of course failed. Abaddon didn’t really focus where he was going, he just ran. This then resulted in him accidentally crashing into Esther who was playing Connect 4 with Ben with Nathan supervising.
“Woah, Abaddon? You good?” Esther looked at him in concern. Abaddon wiped away his dry tears hurriedly.
“I’m.. fine..” He didn’t look up, he didn’t want them to see how vulnerable he was at that moment.
“You sure..? Ben spoke softly, gently placing his hand on Abaddon’s shoulder but he flinched back a little.
“I told you, I’m…” Abaddon looked up to object but then saw Nathan. Nathan looked worried about him. Abaddon muttered something like “I’m fine…” and turned his heel and sprinted off to the nearest vent. What was he thinking? It didn't make anything better. Confessing made everything worse and now his found family will never trust him.
When twilight falls and gently embraces us