Archive of Our Own

It didn’t matter what she did, and it didn’t matter what she said—Moze, by the power of Yaoshi and all the stars above, was going to get his revenge, painting the ground below with the blood of his enemies in the most brutal and sacred of rites. No matter what, he would see this through. He was a warrior, an assassin. He survived everything before, endured everything before, but if this was where he died, he would accept that fate, for this was his most solemn destiny.

He leapt out from the shadows and swung at General Feixiao with his knife, even more quickly and more secretly than before…but it was all for naught. Sitting at the kitchen table, reading something on her phone and not even bothering to look up from her phone (she was really annoying like that), she caught his wrist with her hand before he could make his fatal blow. Moze struggled to pull free, and he even kicked her in the shins, for good measure, but then, she just flung him away, with her strength and a touch of wind magic, sending Moze falling backwards to the floor.

And with that, he had lost. He lay there with his back to the kitchen floor, staring up at the ceiling in defeat. He knew it was useless to keep fighting. He already lost the element of surprise. He would have to try again, when the foxian general wasn’t looking. He would succeed, eventually…it was just really hard, when he was barely over half her size.

“Well, I was wondering when you were going to wake up!” Feixiao said, with casual, cheery tone. “You ready for breakfast, Moze?”

Life truly was suffering.

Moze got up, put his knife away, and reluctantly went to the table, where food was already laid out, and he took some pancakes and a tea egg. It tasted really good. Moze liked the food here, which made him feel good, and it also felt good to get to eat more often than he used to and not get that hungry feeling from throwing up his food after his medicine sometimes, but also, Moze knew better than to let all of this fool him. General Feixiao was still his enemy, and he wasn’t ever going to let her tricks get the better of him!

He’ll take the food, though. That was part of the deal, after all. Feixiao said that he had to eat three meals a day, study, learn martial arts, and take a shower every day, and in return, he could challenge her and try to kill her whenever he wanted to. Moze agreed, and even though she didn’t say it was part of the deal, she took him to live in her home, after that. He had his own room, and because he was so close to the general, he had plenty of chances to try to kill her, too.

While he was still eating, there was a knock on the door. Moze’s eyes and ears perked up in attention, and he watched Feixiao get up to answer the door, where there was another face that he had gotten very familiar with, by now, and so, just like he did for everyone around here, he scowled deeply at the pink-haired foxian’s presence.

“Ah, good morning, Jiaoqiu! We were just finishing up breakfast.”

“I see, then I hope this isn’t a bad time. Good morning to you too, General. Has everything been alright?”

“Yeah, it’s been going great! I think Moze’s really starting to get settled in!”

Moze scowled more deeply, glaring at them over his pancakes.

“Moze also made a really nice assassination attempt just now,” Feixiao recounted with a smile. “He’s getting a lot quicker on his feet!”

“Ah…aha…good to hear,” Jiaoqiu said with a strained smile. “Well…hope you had a good night’s sleep last night, Moze,” he said, now inside the room and turning to talk to Moze directly. “I have another dosage of medicine for you, and if don’t mind, I could examine—”

Moze growled, making his thoughts about that very clear with his eyes.

“Okay, okay, we don’t have to do that yet!” Jiaoqiu corrected quickly, looking startled, as he should. “I’ll just…keep it to surface-level observations, still…”

“Give it some time, Jiaoqiu,” Feixiao assured. “It’s still only been three weeks; I’m sure he’ll come around eventually.”

“General…” Jiaoqiu started, with a heavy sigh. “Have you even seen him without his shirt on, yet? I understand giving him space, but I can’t treat him fully without understanding what his condition even is.”

Feixiao shrugged. “He’s capable enough to dress and bathe himself, so I just let him be. But don’t worry—I think what you’re giving him is helping. He’s got a lot more color back in his skin, and that cough has gotten much better, too.”

“Well…I would credit the food he’s been getting just as much or more than the medicine, for that, but I’ll do my best,” Jiaoqiu said tiredly. “The medicine is just to help ease his cough and soothe his stomach, to prevent any adverse effects to the change in diet.”

That ‘medicine’ wasn’t doing anything, actually, which meant that so-called ‘doctor’ was a liar, but Moze didn’t care. If the medicine did nothing, then that meant it wouldn’t hurt for him to eat it, since all it did was just taste a little bitter and then just leave him feeling the same. Real medicine hurt when you ate it, and it kept hurting for a long time after that, burning the inside of your skin, or making things grow on your skin, or making you throw up a bunch of times, or making you see things that weren’t there. It was painful, but that was just what medicine did. Moze needed medicine like that, because he was very sick, and if it wasn’t for the people who gave that to him, he would have died.

Maybe, now that his family was dead and he wasn’t going to get that medicine anymore, he would die. That would be fine. It would be much worse than death, to give in to the heretics, instead.

“Yeah, I get that.” Feixiao nodded. “It took a while for me to adjust too, after I got rescued back then. Even army rations felt so much heartier than anything the borisin gave us—the way I saw it, it might as well have been a royal feast! Which is good, but there was also a lot my stomach couldn’t handle yet… Anyways, point is, don’t worry—we’ve been following your diet recommendations every day. Thanks for all the help, Jiaoqiu.”

“Of course. As your doctor, this…well, falls somewhere within my duties, I think. I may feel a bit out of my depth, with this, but I’ll do my best to help, for the both of you.”

+++

General Feixiao killed Moze’s family, and he could never ever forget that.

At night, the scene would replay in his mind, again and again. Soldiers surrounded the village, and Master Li declared that they would never be taken alive. Moze was left inside, but there was a fight, and…and at the end, everybody was gone. Everyone he knew was either captured and led away by the soldiers, or they were dead. So, he knew what he had to do. “When that time comes, we must carry on each other’s wills,” they said. He felt little emotion in the memory of those words, but his instincts took over. He raised his dagger against the general right then and there because he knew that this what he should do…but it didn’t work.

“You count them as family?” she asked him that day, as if there could possibly be any reason why he wouldn’t. She looked sad and uneasy, when she asked that, but she had no right to be sad. She was the reason they were all gone.

His family—a community belonging to the Sanctus Medicus—was the only reason he was alive. He was an orphan, and he was sick, so he had been abandoned by his village to die in the woods. No one wanted him. They said he would get other people sick, if he stayed, so…he had to be alone. Lying on the ground with a raging fever and too weak to even try to find food, he really thought he was going to die, before the Disciples found him. They told him they could cure him, and they did. They also told him that even though he was a human, they could give him the long life and power of a ‘Xianzhou Native,’ and…Moze really didn’t know if that worked or not. He never really asked for it, though.

Moze…still remembered how scared he was, at first. He grew past that, but it was still difficult. They told him to endure it, and he had to hold fast to that word, telling himself that no matter what, it would be worth it. This was what he needed. Endure it, endure it. Endure the pain that felt like it would devour his heart and stomach and turn it inside out. Endure the panic-inducing feeling of choking and drowning, while his lungs desperately heaved for breath and his palms scraped and bled from holding so tightly onto that wooden chair. Endure the long nights of vomiting everything in his stomach despite his will to swallow the thick dark medicinal liquid and not spit it out. Endure it, because it will pass. Endure it, because then, he would be stronger, and he will never again have to be alone.

At the beginning, he tried to tell them that he didn’t need that new medicine. His fever was gone, and he was happy with that. He didn’t need to live a long time. No one listened to him, though. They gave it to him anyways.

Moze remembered, the day the soldiers found him, how alarmed they were when they looked at him, and how they looked upset, like they were pitying him. He hated that, and the way some of their expressions turned to shock or anger instead, when he tried to kill the general, was fine by him. He realized that they were staring at the scars on his arms and his neck, so…he stopped showing them, after that. Now, he wore long sleeves all the time, as well as high collars, and he didn’t let anyone look at him. He didn’t want them to know about everything…about the medicine. He knew already what they would think of his family, if they did.

Moze didn’t like the medicine. He couldn’t forget that, but…he also couldn’t forget that without his family, he would be dead. His village abandoned him; the Disciples never did. He never wanted to lose them. He cared about his home, but now it was gone.

At night, Moze hid himself under the covers, where no one could see what was on his skin, and where he could ignore the lingering, familiar pain the marks continued to give, and he thought about his revenge. He knew what he had to do. He just…needed to act and not think about it that hard.

+++

General Feixiao wasn’t always at the house. She would be gone doing work, and often Jiaoqiu would be gone with her, so other Yaoqing people would be here, to give him food and check on him or something, but they rarely did the last part. All he had to do was glare at them, and they would get scared and leave quickly. He didn’t care what they thought, but one day, he hung by the window to listen to the people talking outside, hearing someone say that Feixiao was ‘out of her mind’ taking in ‘that feral child,’ and that made him feel upset, not that it changed much in his mind. He already knew the Yaoqing were his enemies. They probably wouldn’t even care if he told them about his village abandoning him, not that he ever would.

There was one person who came by the house who didn’t look at him like he was a monster—it was the old man Liuying, who taught him how to read and write. Moze remembered a little bit about reading from what his parents taught him, but…it had been a long time, since then. Because of this, Liuying was the only person he talked to, out of necessity. Moze didn’t really talk to anyone. He would like to say it was because he was mad at everyone, but that wasn’t really true. He had always been what people called ‘quiet,’ with the village elders even shaking their heads and calling him words like ‘simple-minded’ because he didn’t talk a lot and either couldn’t understand what people were talking about or didn’t care enough to answer their pointless questions. He still talked sometimes, though, but then…one day, he just stopped. He wasn’t sure when it was, but it was when he lived with the Disciples. He just knew, at some point, that no matter what he said, they wouldn’t listen to him. It wasn’t like that was a problem, really. He knew his place. He knew that he owed the Disciples everything he gave them and much more than that. He also knew that they were very smart and very wise, and everything they did had a reason. Who was he to question what that reason was? He was only a kid—of course all the leaders would know more than he did.

“Now, this character means ‘water,’ and this is ‘rain’. See how the markings look like water droplets? Now, try reading this sentence.”

“The hero…ran through the rain, searching for…for…” he squinted at the word he forgot.

“The village.”

“…the village in danger from the monster,” he finished.

As they went, he got curious by the story they were reading, even if it was very basic, and even more so by the setting. It didn’t rain on the Xianzhou. This whole planet was a spaceship, so they didn’t have rain, and they didn’t have trees and forests, either. Not like Moze’s home planet did.

…he wondered, sometimes, about the people he used to know, in his village. He wondered how they were doing, but it had been so long that he couldn’t really remember their faces in his mind, not even the faces of his parents.

He thought about his village, but then he decided that he didn’t really care.

+++

Some of the kids died, back then.

Moze wasn’t the only orphan the Disciples took in. There were others, too, from other nearby planets. Some were from orphanages, and some were abandoned like he was, just to the streets instead of the woods. They weren’t full disciples yet, but one day, they would be. They just had to learn the tenements of the Disciples and of Yaoshi, and they had to let their bodies be changed, too, until they were just like the rest of them.

Some kids weren’t strong enough, and they died, but this wasn’t a bad thing. They were going to ascend to another place. They weren’t one of the Chosen of Yaoshi to live forever in this world, but they would return to her and live inside her. If they hadn’t been rescued by the Disciples, and if they hadn’t gone through the rituals and taken the medicine, their souls would have disappeared forever.

Moze didn’t really understand much about what they were saying. He was never good at understanding people, especially when they talked in grand words like that. He just knew that he trusted them, with everything that he had. There was nothing else he could do.

+++

“I don’t understand why you’re teaching me all this. It’ll only make it easier for me to kill you.”

General Feixiao just smiled at him knowingly, as if that really wasn’t a problem at all, and Moze knew all too well how true that could be. She was really, really hard to kill. “Well, might as well give you a fighting chance, right? Now, watch me carefully. You have to loosen up your movements, like this.”

Feixiao then modeled the swing of her bow staff again, letting Moze try to mimic her, and then, she got behind him, to guide his hands more directly. She meant it when she said she wanted him to learn martial arts, although he still couldn’t fathom why. For this purpose, she’s been mostly giving him lessons herself, and…they have been kind of nice. His head felt clear, when they were out here like this.

Still, he did have an important question to ask, once he realized where this was going. Moze didn’t like having to talk this much, but this time, he would do it anyways. “So, are you just trying to get me to fight for you? You and the Yaoqing?” he asked, skeptically. “Because I’m not.”

“Not at all,” Feixiao answered readily, shrugging casually. “If you want to, you can, but you don’t have to. You don’t have to become a fighter at all.”

“So why am I learning martial arts?”

“Clears the mind,” she answered, pointing to her head with a smile. “You need to stay healthy, and this is a good source of exercise, too. Besides, it’s good to know how to defend yourself, so you’re prepared for whatever happens.”

He already knew about defending himself, before Feixiao ever started teaching him, but he didn’t say anything about that. He just kept going with the lesson, obeying her instructions and pursuing the training with perfect dedication…which he was so focused on, that he almost missed it when he realized that when she stopped to take a drink of water, she left herself vulnerable…

Moze quickly flew into a two-step maneuver, swinging at the general’s knees with the bow staff and then lunging for her with the knife he pulled from his belt. The approach failed on both fronts. His swing did nothing to throw her off balance even though he swung with all his might, and his knife swing was deflected with a swift chop to his forearm that caused him to lose his grip on the blade and send it falling, before Feixiao caught it, all the while not even relinquishing the bottle in her other hand.

…it looked like he still had a lot more practicing to do.

+++

“The heretics will never accept you, just as they will never accept us. Do you understand, little one? You must be prepared to defend the disciples.”

They gave him a dagger and taught him how to use it. He listened to the teachings and practiced with dedication, getting better at it than all the other kids did. It felt good, that this was something he was good at, something he could do to do his part for the Disciples, that didn’t involve doing things to his body. He couldn’t do much whenever he got sick again, though.

“Be prepared to kill the heretics, before they strike you first. They abandoned Yaoshi and cursed the sacred gift she gave. They do not deserve mercy.”

He understood what they meant, the day they brought back someone who fled the village, because he was afraid of the gift and committed blasphemy. They forced the medicine down his throat in front of everybody, to save his soul. He transformed into his ascended form…into something that hardly looked real, anymore. He didn’t talk anymore, after that.

They all said he turned into a tree.

+++

“What’s that for?” Moze asked, eyeing the contents of Jiaoqiu’s box suspiciously. “More medicine?”

“That’s for Feixiao,” Jiaoqiu explained. “I was just going to leave this here for when she gets back.”

“For Feixiao?” Moze questioned, now more confused. “Why? Is she sick, too?”

“No, this is…well, more of a permanent condition. Don’t worry; the General is still very healthy.”

Moze nodded curtly in response. He wasn’t sure why Jiaoqiu would tell him to not worry, as if he ever would, but Moze had no reason to waste his voice correcting him on the mistake. Instead, he just kept helping Jiaoqiu by carrying the box to the counter in the kitchen, while Jiaoqiu took a bag full of food he brought and set it on the kitchen table, which was full of many paper containers that he then laid out for them. It was this special kind of food called ‘take-out,’ apparently, which meant you “went to a restaurant and took it out,” Feixiao explained when he asked, although he still had no idea what she was talking about. It must be a city thing. Moze wasn’t used to cities, not that he’s really gone outside that much to look at them. He’s gone out some, though—Feixiao and Jiaoqiu took him with them to go places a few times, but he didn’t really like the crowds on the street that much. Sometimes he decided that he would rather not, and Feixiao was alright with that and didn’t force him to come, but at other times…he did admittedly like being able to go outside and see the lay of the land. It was just better to do that after dark, when people weren’t there.

He went to the table and inspected the paper containers curiously, and that was when he noticed that one of them had a particularly strong smell. He picked it up to sniff it and then quickly extended his arms with a suspicious scowl, turning back to Jiaoqiu with narrowed eyes. “Is this poison?” he asked.

Jiaoqiu made a sudden choking sound, turning to blink back at Moze as if he were somehow surprised that he caught onto his nefarious plot. “What?” he stressed dumbly.

“It smells really sharp,” Moze explained.

Jiaoqiu sighed and took the box back from him, opening it up so he could see. “The smell is from the spice. It’s not poisoned, I promise.”

“Are you sure?” Moze asked, perfectly serious. “The restaurant could be trying to kill you.” He realized, then, that the plot might not be Jiaoqiu’s at all, but these other people’s who cooked the food. He had to think about every possibility.

“Yes, I am sure,” Jiaoqiu insisted, before relaxing with a smile. “Besides, this dish is mostly for me, anyways. You don’t have to eat it. It’s very spicy, so you probably wouldn’t be able to handle it.”

Moze narrowed his eyes again, feeling highly offended by that. “I can handle it. I can handle anything.”

“That’s…well, you can try a bite, if you really want to. Anyways, first, how about we go find Feixiao and tell her it’s time for dinner?”

It was extremely spicy, to the point that Moze was almost convinced that Jiaoqiu was either much more powerful than he looked or simply insane, but he liked the taste. He still ate the more normal rice and soup, mostly, but he wouldn’t flinch in the face of spice if it came, not now and not ever. He could endure anything.

+++

One day, General Feixiao got sick.

She had a fever, and so, she had to stay inside and be cared for by Jiaoqiu, who was now with them almost every day. Moze had only been here a few months, now, but he still found it uncomfortably strange, to see her so weak. She said it was ‘just a cold’ and not a big deal, but still…she wasn’t in a great state, right now. She was vulnerable.

If ever Moze had a chance to fulfill his mission, it was now. Being sick made you less quick on your feet, less aware of your surroundings. He took his dagger and prowled the house in the early morning, the day after she got sick, and he determined that this would be it. He solemnly vowed that today, at last, he would kill her.

He couldn’t do it.

Moze was outside her door, and he wondered, afterwards, if she heard him there, crouching with his hands shaking around his dagger.

“When that time comes, we must carry on each other’s wills.”

He ran back to his room and hid the dagger under his pillow, and he left it there.

He knew he should have done it, but he couldn’t do it now. She was sick! He had to fight her when she was at her best. It wouldn’t be right, otherwise. He wouldn’t like it. That was all it was, really…he knew that she was strong, so if he wanted to beat her, she had to be at her best strength. That was the only reason.

Moze went back to her room, where Feixiao was just barely waking up. He said that if she needed anything, he would help. She smiled and said she was fine, but in time, he found ways to help anyways. When Jiaoqiu came back, he helped him make tea and soup.

Jiaoqiu said she would be fine, when he asked. Feixiao said she would be fine. They better be right about that. Moze had to be the one to kill Feixiao…he couldn’t let anyone or anything else do it first.

He couldn’t remember his parents’ faces, anymore. They were fuzzy to him, but sometimes, he thought he could remember the sound of their voices and their laughs. They were happy, before the sickness came. Then, they were coughing and lying in bed in a feverish haze, and Moze was too small and too weak to do anything about it. The doctor came, but whatever the doctor did, it wasn’t nearly enough. Moze got sick too, on the night his mom died, and his dad died one day later. He smiled weakly at him and told him to stay strong. He told him to go to the village elders, and they would help him. He was very, very wrong.

The Disciples knew how to cure him, and they were willing to give their medicine without asking for anything in return. Moze wasn’t sure if anyone else could do that.

He didn’t like seeing Feixiao like this, coughing with a flushed face and dull eyes. She needed to get better soon. He was also afraid of getting sick, as well…but he wouldn’t let that show, and he wouldn’t let it stop him. He didn’t fear death.

+++

Feixiao got better in only a little over a week, and Moze found himself ready to finally accept that Jiaoqiu was not, in fact, a fake doctor.

Feixiao still needed that other medicine, though. After the cold came and went, Moze started wondering more and more about all those regular checkups that Jiaoqiu gave Feixiao and all that medicine he would get for her. He said it was something permanent, which wasn’t the same as being sick, but then, what was it? Why have medicine if she isn’t sick? Was it…to make her stronger, instead? Just like what the Disciples did?

Moze shouldn’t be surprised, because he knew all about this, from experience. He knew that he was given medicine plenty of times when he wasn’t sick. Sometimes (most of the time) after the medicine, he would feel sick, but that wasn’t the same thing as being sick…but it wasn’t like he could feel much of a difference. Whether he caught a fever or took the medicine, he still felt really bad. He needed the medicine, though. If it was what the Disciples wanted, then he should take it.

(He didn’t have to take it anymore, though. They were gone, and he was here, and he…didn’t have to feel that pain, anymore. He felt guilty for feeling so relieved.)

That didn’t mean he didn’t still have problems, though.

He felt better than he used to feel, and if anyone asked, he told them he was fine. If Jiaoqiu tried to ask to examine him, as a doctor, he told him that he didn’t need to. What Moze really meant was that he didn’t want him to. The scars never stopped hurting, in all this time. Sometimes the exercise and martial arts training would make him feel better, and sometimes, it would make him worse. His old wounds would feel tender, his chest would cramp in pain, and the cuts would leak fluid, white and red and gold.

Once he accidentally reopened a scar when he was home alone, and he had to steal bandages to wrap it back up. He had a feeling that the foxians were onto him, like they could smell what was wrong, but he told them he was fine and never got too close, avoiding them and melding into the shadows where they could never see him.

He didn’t want them to know. He didn’t want them to pity him and think they were right, when they said that his family was bad. He didn’t want to trust them, either. It didn’t matter if Feixiao and Jiaoqiu were not as bad as he thought they would be. It didn’t even matter if he started to want to be around them and want them to be okay. There was nothing they could ever say or do to change his mind. He had to get revenge. He had to kill Feixiao. He never asked to be ‘rescued’ from the Disciples. He would have stayed with them forever, and it wouldn’t have mattered if he died. He didn’t want to be alone.

(He wasn’t alone, now.)

Moze lay in bed and curled into himself, gripping the sheets with the pain of old wounds. He knew that soon, he would have to choose. He had to do something.

He just…wanted to be okay.

+++

“General Feixiao, what is the medicine for?”

Moze stood inside Feixiao’s office, late one night, and he stared both her and Jiaoqiu straight in the eye. He invited himself inside this room while the two of them were working on something because he decided that today, he was going to have his answers. Today…he made his choice.

Feixiao raised her eyebrows, tilting her head a little. “Huh. That’s sudden. Why do you ask?”

“You said that what the Disciples did was wrong,” he said, his stare growing steelier. “Are you taking medicine to get stronger? Because that’ll mean you’re doing the same thing they did.”

“Taking medicine to get stronger…so that’s what they call it,” she mused, before shaking her head. “No, Moze, that’s not the reason. It’s to treat an old condition. A genetic one.”

“So what is it?” he asked bluntly, and Feixiao fell into a long pause, looking thoughtful.

“Moze…please,” Jiaoqiu said, with a sigh. “This is something very personal—”

“It’s okay, Jiaoqiu,” Feixiao interrupted, with a sad smile. “It’s not like this is a big secret, right? Moze, do you know what ‘Moon Rage’ is?”

Moze shook his head, still scrutinizing her intensely. What was she talking about?

“Well…ah, how about I give some backstory? Many, many years ago, there was a people who wanted power. They were foxians, but they took the blessing of Yaoshi to gain immortality, and then, they evolved into something different. The borisins. They despised their foxian neighbors and turned them into their slaves, but…well, that part isn’t the point of the story. They were far, far stronger than the foxians, and bigger, too. They became tall and wolf-like, with canine fangs and sharp claws, but they got something else, too. A ‘cost’ to the blessing. They got ‘Moon Rage,’ which gave strength in times of danger, but it gave them uncontrollable bloodlust, too, and physically, it turned their bodies inside out, so to speak. It really tears you apart, if you’re not careful, and it’s worse if you don’t have a borisin’s physique. If a foxian…or, someone mostly foxian…had Moon Rage, they’d need a lot of help, to not keel over and die young,” she said, before putting on a smile. “Lucky for me, Jiaoqiu is the best doctor in all of the Xianzhou!”

“I wouldn’t say that,” Jiaoqiu rebutted, with a heavy sigh. “Truth be told, I almost retired forever, before I ended up becoming General Feixiao’s doctor. I didn’t think I could do it anymore, but…here I am.”

Feixiao laughed. “Yeah, you could say I ‘forced his hand,’ back then. I still remember grabbing Jiaoqiu by the collar while I was lying in that field hospital bed, yelling at him to heal me. I didn’t even know who he was, then. Once I was back to thinking calmly, you could imagine my surprise that he actually came back to talk to me again and didn’t run for the hills!”

Jiaoqiu smiled weakly. “Well, I made a promise, didn’t I? That, and there was that elder who talked me out of retirement…” he added, his eyes looking distant. “He…convinced me it wasn’t time for me to disappear from the world, quite yet.”

Moze nodded silently, standing there in solemn thought, for a moment. This meant…Feixiao was sick, then. It was just a different kind of being sick. She had Moon Rage, which she had because of a blessing of Yaoshi from a long time ago that had a ‘cost.’ Moze didn’t expect her to mention Yaoshi, talking about this. A reflexive part of him got angry and wanted to deny it. She shouldn’t blaspheme Yaoshi like that. He should kill her for saying that. But also…Moze understood. He understood really well.

He didn’t know if what he was dealing with, if what he had to deal with for all those years with the Disciples, was really because of Yaoshi. They worshipped her, and they wanted her blessings, but Moze doesn’t ever remember her showing up. The leaders just shared her words. The pure blessings of Yaoshi didn’t need medicine, though, just the fruit of her tree.

But whatever this was, it changed nothing. Moze already made his decision before he walked in here. He would get answers from Feixiao first, and then, give his own answers second. A secret for a secret.

Silently, he reached for his neck and undid the clasp on his collar. He unbuttoned his outer shirt, so he could take it off, but before he even finished, both Feixiao and Jiaoqiu’s eyes shot open wide in nervous surprise, as if they somehow didn’t realize what he was doing.

“Moze!” Jiaoqiu said. “What are you…?”

“Feixiao told me about her, so I’m showing you me, now. Isn’t that what you wanted?” he said, more sullen and bitter than he thought he would sound, but that didn’t matter. All that mattered was going forward.

He took both layers off, standing there in front of them, shirtless for the first time. He didn’t look at their eyes. His will failed him, as soon as he heard the subtle but violent catch in their throats, that told him that it looked just as bad in their eyes as he feared it would be.

He felt sharply aware, now, of the scars cut all over his body, and the rough, unnatural discoloration of his skin. The medicine made him feel like his skin was burning from the inside, and it made things grow on top of his skin and through it, too. He had the honor of being ‘fertile ground’ for Yaoshi, they said. Golden branches grew under his skin and broke through it to sprout outwards, as well as other strange, contorted growths, but he wasn’t mara-struck, and he never will be. He was only a human, and he would always be only a human. When the branches broke through and forced him to bite back screams, they cut them off, to use the branches for something else. Something that could be used for more medicine, probably. Messy, jagged scars were left in the places where his skin broke, and clean, straight ones were left from where they cut him open, to take small parts of him or retrieve something living on the inside of him that didn’t belong to him. In between the scars, on top of his chest, there were small veins patterned like roots, which didn’t belong to him either. They flowed and pulse with golden blood, and sometimes, they burned his skin, but he ‘needed’ them. He needed them, because it was the will of Yaoshi that he would be stronger, or be everything they needed him to be.

The Disciples were his family. They gave him food to eat, and a bed to sleep in, and relief for the fever than almost killed him. They told him that they would never ask for anything in return. Moze was starting to think that they might have asked many things from him in return, and he just never realized it.

“Moze! You’re…!” Jiaoqiu started, as if he was going to run to him as he said whatever he was thinking, but he stopped himself, keeping himself a short distance away. “Moze…I know you don’t like to talk to me about these things, but please, as your doctor… does this still hurt you?”

Moze nodded. “Yes.”

“Great Lan above…” Feixiao muttered under her breath, exhaling shakily like this really shocked her, too. “I really underestimated what… no. No need to talk in doom and gloom, now. Moze…” she started with another deep breath, crouching down to meet his avoidant eyes. Moze continued to wrap his arms tightly around his chest, but he finally relenting to looking at her. “Thank you, for trusting us. I promise that we’ll help you however we can…or, well, Jiaoqiu will help,” she amended, smiling sadly. “I don’t exactly have the same kind of knowledge for this.”

“I didn’t ask for help,” Moze said, although he wasn’t ready to refuse it, either. “I just needed you to know.”

“We understand,” Feixiao said, with a slow, steady nod. “We’re not going to do anything without your consent.”

“They were still my family,” he said, just so she wouldn’t forget that. “They saved my life.”

“I…I know,” she said, seeming more pained about it. “I’m…sorry for all the loss you had to go through. You lost your home, the day we came. But Moze…just because someone is ‘family,’ it doesn’t make everything they do to you to be right.”

Moze nodded, as solemn as the night sky somewhere above them. “I know.”

“Okay then.”

“I want the veins gone,” he said, looking at her and also looking back at Jiaoqiu. “In return, I’ll give you my loyalty forever.”

“Moze, we’re not asking for that,” Jiaoqiu said with a tired sigh. “But of course. I’ll do whatever I can, regardless.”

Well, that didn’t matter. Moze could still give his loyalty whether they asked it or not, if he ready for that. “I’m still going to try to assassinate you, though,” he told Feixiao. “You promised I could.”

Feixiao smiled, even while Jiaoqiu made a strangled sound with his throat in the background. “Yep, I did make a promise, didn’t I?”

“But I don’t want you to die.”

“Oh?” She seemed surprised. “Alright then.”

“I hope you get better too, from the Moon Rage.” It was bad that she was sick like that, but Feixiao was strong, and Jiaoqiu was definitely a real doctor, and he might even be a really good one. They would live. And Moze, at least for the here and now, would really like to continue living with them.

“Thank you,” she said, her smile persisting as she relaxed with a deep breath and looked into his eyes as if, somehow, all her spirit and courage could be shared with him from it. “I hope you get better, too. You have your whole life ahead of you, Moze. Whatever you choose to do with that, I hope it’s something that makes you happy.”

Moze nodded, his face stoic and changed. He didn’t tell her he already made his choice. “I will.”