Chapter Text
Marvin didn't know when the first time was. It started early. When he was younger after a particularly bad day he would turn the shower hotter, until his skin was red, and then hotter than that. Whenever his dad was being particularly an asshole his nails would dig into his skin. making the arguments bearable.containing himself. Containing all of him, the all that he could be, the all that his dad wasn't allowed to see. The all that tried to claw its way from his chest, up his throat. And so he clawed back, and it would quiet all of it for a moment. Then eventually he would nick safety pins from his drama classroom and gently scratch them against his skin. Quiet class periods that droned on, that left him with his thoughts, the ones he couldn't bear. The safety pin helped. Or he'd sneak his dads lighter and see how long he could hold his arm over before pulling away in pain. just a game, like everything else in Marvin's life. Marvin liked games, he knew them, he needed games. This was all just another game he rationed.
So to find himself now on the floor of the bathroom, old swiss army knife in hand, it wasn't uncommon. The light buzzed over him. He stared as droplets formed over the etches he carved. Each bloomed, growing til’ they found each other and filled the valleys. He let himself linger, eyes taking in the scene. Before reaching for a towel and dousing it in disinfectant, patting down his thighs. He seethed at the sharp sting. Good. He pressed the towel deeper until the red blotted through, until the laundry machine wouldn't be able to rinse it out. Good. He lifted the towel and tossed it to the corner. Marvin reached to the counter to find the bandage he had placed there in preparation. Marvin undid the trash surrounding it and let it fall to the floor. I'll clean that tomorrow. He won’t. Marvin left the bathroom a mess
He then crawled back in bed. The bed shifted slowly under his weight, and suddenly the cheap twin sized mattress was far too big. He missed the queen sized bed, he missed his wife. Well, he missed a person beside him. Marvin settled, shifting his weight over one arm. Letting his body fold so that soon enough his arm would go numb. He interlocked his fingers with the other hand, and allowed himself to dream of the other person he might hold. Whizzer? Maybe.
He should have just called whizzer, god he's a loser. He should have just swallowed his pride and picked up the goddamn phone. Now he was alone, and tired, and bandaged, and… He sighed as his eyelids grew heavy. I'll call him tomorrow. He closed his eyes, letting the humming of the streets outside lull him to sleep. Just go to sleep, Marvin. This was just a battle in the war, a game. If it was a game he could win it. So it was a game. and Marvin would win it. That sentiment was what rocked his mind to gentle absence.
Everything will be all right