Chapter Text
"Ya know, I think I actually hate Rachel right now," Chandler grumbled as he came to join Monica, leaning back against the kitchen counter as he surveyed the room. Folding his arms in front of him, a frustrated frown marred his features which was in stark contrast to the stupidly bright party hat that he still wore on his head.
Monica simply nodded, she hated Rachel right now too. She resented her for throwing this stupid fake party just so she could try and get with Joshua. Monica wasn't in the mood for parties, she wasn't in the mood for anything. She just wanted to hide away and try and forget about her depressing life for a while. She certainly didn't need to be at a party that was thrown in honor of Chandler's girlfriend.
"I mean," Chandler continued miffed, "I had plans for tonight and now they're ruined by this dumb thing and I can't believe Emily is actually buying this. There's like 9 people here- and none of her friends from the rugby. It's the lamest surprise party ever and you know what makes it even worse? That Emily thinks this was all my idea."
"Yeah well, I had big plans too," Monica muttered, taking a sip of her wine.
"Really? Like what?" he sounded genuinely curious as his gaze landed on her.
"Me, Hugh Grant and a tub of Ben and Jerrys," she admitted glumly as she took another large gulp of the alcohol, feeling her cheeks redden slightly.
"I won't lie, I'm a little jealous," he quipped, bumping his shoulder against hers playfully, before he chewed his lip, trying to sound casual. "So...uh, you doing ok?"
"I'm fine," she said quickly shooting down the conversation before it stated and praying it wasn't obvious just how miserable she really felt. Tonight was definitely not the time, so instead she quickly changed the subject. "So, uh have you talked with Emily? About a possible future together and stuff?"
She needed to know, needed to know so badly what was happening between them that it actually hurt. Her head and heart still weren't on the same page, far from it but she still just needed to be sure of what they were going to do to try and stop her internal torture. Maybe if she knew either way it would finally bring her some closure and her heart some deserved peace.
"I still don't see why you're so obsessed by this," Chandler commented somewhat lightly. "And no, not yet, it's pointless anyway, there is no future. This is it. Tonight...which I'm wasting at this pointless fake party."
"Maybe you should go talk to her," she persisted, needing definite answers even if he didn't. "Talk to her properly and…" she trailed off as Rachel hurriedly entered the apartment, getting Joey to zip her up. "Has she changed outfits?"
Chandler followed her line of vision and rolled his eyes as he took in her sudden black dress, "You've kinda gotta feel sorry for Joshua," he grinned, "she's really not giving him much of a chance."
Monica half agreed shaking her head at her roommate, although as crazy as Rachel was being at least she had the balls to go for what she wanted. Monica sighed before she noticed Emily heading towards them, her eyes obviously fixed on Chandler.
Wordlessly Monica moved away, not looking back at the couple and ignoring the confused look Chandler gave her. One thing she desperately didn't need to see tonight was them all cuddled together and kissing. She wished there were more people here so she could simply leave, escape this hell without being noticed. She knew there were only a few more hours to endure but she honestly felt like she was going to crack, drive herself insane.
"You ok, Monica?"
She looked up gratefully at Phoebe, she didn't have to hide in front of her, could tell her the truth.
"No," she admitted softly, shaking her head.
"This time tomorrow she'll be gone," her friend reminded her gently rubbing her shoulder.
"Will she be gone for good though?" Monica asked the million dollar question, "What if they decide to stay together? Try long distance and then he'll confide in me how much he's missing her and, and…what if he moves to London? Just packs up and leaves? I'll lose him, Phoebe, maybe even forever."
Phoebe pulled her into a hug and Monica closed her eyes, accepting the comfort, willing to take anything that was offered to her tonight.
"I get that you're worried but I don't think anything you just said will happen. I just don't see them working out; I think the relationship is ready for it's natural conclusion. You just need to hang in there a little while longer and things will get easier. I promise."
"He went to a doorknob museum with her."
"Exactly!" Phoebe pointed out, "that's not him. None of this is him. I think Rachel was right, it was the rebound relationship he needed to get over Kathy and get out of those sweat pants."
"I hope you're right," she sighed moving to grab another much needed drink. "I just, I just hate all of it! I hate the pain and the hiding...I just hate being in love with him; I can't keep this up for much longing, it's killing me Phoebe."
"I know," Phoebe sighed, her eyes sympathetic. "Just give yourself some more time. Let Emily leave and then when the moment feels right I think you should talk to him. You need to Monica, otherwise you might self-combust or something."
Monica snorted, a wry smile coming to her face, "I thought spontaneous human combustion was an urban myth?"
"Ooooh, no, it's very real," Phoebe said seriously.
Monica smiled about to comment when Rachel's voice rang out across the room, drawing their attention.
"Ok everyone, we need you all sitting down here in a circle."
They exchanged bemused looks with each other.
"I'm too pregnant for party games," Phoebe commented and Monica wished she had a ready-made excuse.
People started to warily follow the instructions, forming a small circle. Noticing that neither woman had moved, Rachel rushed over to them grabbing their hands, "Come on guys," she tugged them closer to the circle.
"What's going on?" Monica asked cautiously, although she had her answer as Joey rushed back into the room enthusiastically waving an empty bottle. "Spin the bottle?" she asked pissed, "seriously? We're not 11."
Monica was in no mood for party games. She hadn't been in the mood for this stupid party and now this? It was ridiculous. This wouldn't end well, it couldn't. There were only 9 people here. She would no doubt have to witness Emily and Chandler making out in front of the group numerous times. Or the damn thing would land on her and she really wasn't in the mood to kiss anybody.
"Oh, come on, Monica, it might cheer you up," Rachel dismissed, pulling her closer still, "plus who knows, maybe it will help you move on from the whole crush thing," she hissed the last two words but not particularly quietly.
Monica cringed, quickly looking around to see who else was in ear-shot. She swallowed hard as she met Chandler's confused eyes.
Just great.
Hurriedly breaking the eye contact and looking away she forced herself to bite down her anger that Rachel hadn't been more careful. She couldn't cause a scene, not here, she couldn't follow her instinct and retreat out the door like she wanted. It would attract even more attention, plus if she left now she had no doubt in her mind that Chandler would follow her and question her further and she couldn't face that...not now, not tonight.
She'd crack.
No, she had to look normal, calm and composed, as if Rachel was talking nonsense, something she could breezily brush off and laugh about. That it was no big deal. No life shattering secret.
She swallowed hard. She could do this...at least she prayed she could do this.
"Fine," she eventually grated out, a fake smile plastered on her face as she practically pushed past her apologetic looking roommate and joined the small group that was on the floor, feeling Chandler's concerned gaze still on her but refusing to meet his eyes.
She just had to keep it together for a little while longer.
Suddenly Phoebe settled next to her and Monica raised an eyebrow at her in question.
"You're never too pregnant for spin the bottle," she giggled, before leaning closer to her and whispering, "besides it looked like you could do with the support."
Rachel naturally started the game, demonstrating how it worked, no doubt in order to get a free spin and a chance with Joshua. Monica did have to chuckle though as it landed on Gunther and the crestfallen look he had when he realized he wasn't going to get kissed. Until she realized he was in the same position as her. Desperately in love with someone they couldn't have, having to see that person every day with someone else. Suffering from the pain of unrequited love. Poor guy. She forced her eyes away from him and onto the bottle.
As predicted fate had the bottle land on Chandler and for a brief moment as he pushed the bottle and it slowly spun, the possibility of it landing on her caused her heart to flutter in fear and hope. But of course it landed on Emily. As if the bottle knew who he belonged with and was conspiring against her. She looked away, not wanting to witness yet another kiss between the couple.
"This time tomorrow," Phoebe said quietly and she offered her a small smile in gratitude.
Ross got Emily and the kiss seemed a little more than it should. Was he trying to get back at Rachel? Given their recent conversation over the Kathy betrayal she risked a quick glance at Chandler but he didn't seem bothered at all, in fact he wasn't even paying attention, his eyes on Monica. Quickly she looked away, focusing on the game in hand, cringing as the bottle landed on her, really not wanting to play but knowing she had to keep up the pretense.
Joey.
With a sigh of relief she crawled over and placed a quick kiss to Joey's lips.
Then it was her and Joey again.
"Oooh two in a row, you have to use tongues now," Rachel shouted out excitedly as Monica glared daggers at her. "Or not," Rachel said quickly taking the hint.
She didn't use tongues or let Joey even consider it. Just another quick peck. She'd barely sat back down when it landed on her again.
"What are the odds?"
"Let someone else play," Phoebe complained, taking Monica's go and crawling towards Joey for a much longer kiss.
Monica smiled to herself. She didn't know if Phoebe was rescuing her or if she just wanted to kiss Joey but either way she was pleased to sit out her turn. Should would be more than happy for Phoebe to take all her spins. Thankfully the game continued for several minutes not involving or even interesting her.
Then it was Chandler's turn again. She watched the bottle as it seemed to spin in slow motion. She fully expected it to land on Emily again and was readying herself to look away when it slowed, passed Emily and eventually stopped...pointing directly at her.
Oh god. She swallowed, panicked as she looked at Phoebe with wide eyes who offered her an apologetic shrug. Monica didn't want to kiss him. Not in front of Emily and all their friends. Not when it was for some stupid party game and meant nothing. She was barely keeping it together as it was, barely surviving. She didn't need this but what choice did she have?
Trying to look as non-plussed as possible, even as her heart beat rapidly in her chest, she made her way to the middle of the circle, Chandler doing the same. Just a friendly peck of the lips, she told herself; it meant nothing and no one will notice anything. She could control herself for a few seconds, no matter how soft and tender his delicious lips looked. She grimaced, trying to erase those thoughts from her mind.
Friends. They were friends. It had to be a friendly kiss.
They met in the middle and she saw him swallow before craning his neck…
"Oh my God! The baby just kicked!"
Relieved, Monica moved away instantly, happily taking the excuse as everyone 'oohed' over Phoebe. She risked a look back at Chandler who was still in the center looking at her again, a thoughtful expression on his face. She looked away quickly, focusing on her pregnant friend.
As Phoebe got settled into a chair and the crowd dispersed a little she met Monica's eyes and winked. Monica laughed out loud, getting a few curious looks.
God bless Phoebe Buffay.
-------
"Okay, so, I reckon we could still make dinner if we skipped the appetizers and asked for our check right away. You game?" Chandler teased causing Emily to laugh.
Monica resisted rolling her eyes, deciding if they could leave she could too. She turned towards her old front door when it opened suddenly revealing Rachel in her high-school cheer leader outfit. Oh dear...
"We can't leave now," Emily unknowingly echoed Monica's thoughts, "look Rachel's all dressed up."
Monica hastily approached her, "Have you lost your mind? What is wrong with you?"
"Me? You can hardly talk. You're the one that got freakishly obsessed over a damn light switch just to try and get over a guy. You put holes in the damn wall."
"Rachel!" Monica admonished, blushing furiously. She shot a quick glance behind her at Chandler and Emily and could tell they had heard every word.
Yet again.
This wasn't happening.
"Sorry," Rachel winced, also quickly shooting a look to Chandler. "I didn't mean…I, just...I let you do that, now let me do this. Trust me, I know what I'm doing. My lucky dress wasn't working out to well for me, but for four years, this baby never missed."
Monica just stepped aside silently letting her pass, her cheeks still burning. To make matters worse she could feel Chandler's intense eyes on her but she avoided him, deliberately walking to the other side of the room, pretending to take great interest in what her roommate was doing. She knew he would connect the dots soon if he hadn't already. He'd seen his name last night, twice tonight Rachel had mentioned a guy within his earshot and he knew she'd been down lately.
Hopefully he wouldn't figure out the full extent of the truth but he'd try to get her to talk again, that much she knew for certain. This time he'd know it was about a crush and the fact she wouldn't open up would only make him more suspicious. They'd no doubt get into another fight, emotions and quick-spoken words flying around and that would be dangerous.
It would all go so horribly wrong.
Damn it. She knew Rachel was going through a lot. Knew she was hurting over her breakup with Ross and was desperate to have something with Joshua to give herself confidence as well as proving a point to her brother. But right now she wanted to kill her.
Her arms came to hug herself, giving herself some of the comfort she craved. She was tempted to leave, to try and forget about the whole evening but she knew she couldn't, not now. Part of her was curious, unable to look away from this train wreck. Plus, as annoyed as she was with Rachel, she had a bad feeling about this in the pit of her stomach and knew her roommate would need her support tonight. Hopefully they could support each other.
She watched as Rachel improvised a cringe-worthy cheer to spell out 'Emily' and then winced as she cartwheeled into her old bedroom crashing painfully. Grateful to have something to focus on other than avoiding Chandler's steady gaze, she rushed to ensure Rachel was ok.
Her friend brushed herself off, assuring her she was fine as she tried to cover the pain she was obviously in as she went to talk to Joshua. Monica had to hand it to her, she was definitely persistent. With a shake of her head she went in search of more alcohol, topping up her wine glass.
"That almost made it worth coming."
The sudden voice beside her caused her to both jump in fright and cringe. Chandler. The one person she was desperately trying to avoid. Crap.
"Yeah, R-Rachel sure knows how to entertain," she kept it light, praying Chandler wouldn't try and talk to her here, her eyes tried to seek out Phoebe, begging for help but she was occupied with Ross and Emily who were laughing at something. "Um, Emily seems to be enjoying herself."
"At least someone is," he said in that soft caring tone and she squeezed her eyes shut. She would get over him. There would be someone else out there that made her feel this safe and warm. Someone else she would crave as badly as him.
"Yeah," she croaked out.
"Monica," he was using that tone, his serious I wanna be there for you tone and she almost growled in frustration. Why did this have to happen tonight? "This is all over a guy?"
"I don't know what you're talking about," her tone held a warning which she hoped he'd listen to.
He didn't.
"Why won't you talk to me? We tell each other everything?" he asked, hurt evident in his voice.
She shrugged uneasily, trying to think of what to say to stop this turning into a fight.
"Can we not do this now?" she almost pleaded, gesturing around the room, "this is supposed to be a party, a party for your girlfriend."
"You've told Rachel and Phoebe," the statement was said quietly and she could tell that fact alone hurt him.
"It's Emily's last night here," Monica said quietly trying to keep her voice steady. "You should be making the most of her even if it is at some dumb impromptu party. She'll be in another country this time tomorrow, Chandler. Stop wasting time with me."
His blue eyes narrowed slightly as he continued to study her and she didn't like it. She didn't like the scrutiny. The longer he stared the longer she was worried that he would connect all the dots and actually figure this out. She didn't want that, couldn't have that,
"I'm serious," Monica insisted, desperate for him to stop looking at her like that. "Go be with Emily," her voice broke a little but she was pretty sure she saved it. "You'll regret it otherwise. Look me and my problems will still be here tomorrow."
"So you're finally admitting something's going on?" Chandler frowned and she sighed, flustered and irritated that he wouldn't drop it.
He was getting too close to the truth and she had to escape away from him. No good would come of this tonight.
"I need to use the bathroom."
As she quickly turned she felt his hand on her arm, preventing her from leaving. She swallowed before looking up to meet his concerned pained eyes.
"I-I'm just worried about you, Mon," he said quietly, sincerely."I'm not trying to intentionally piss you off."
She forced a smile onto her face, hoping it appeared at least somewhat genuine as she spoke just as quietly, holding back tears, "I appreciate that you care, Chandler. Really I do," and she did, sadly he would never know how much she appreciated his friendship.
"So talk to me."
She shook her head, knowing it wasn't an option, "We, ah, we can talk tomorrow."
"Tomorrow. I'm gonna hold you to that," he held her eyes a moment longer, searching before he swallowed and nodded, finally releasing her.
"Ok," she choked out before quickly retreating to the bathroom.
Leaning against the closed door she closed her eyes, trying control her breathing and willing herself to just snap out of it. This party would be over soon, then in the privacy of her own bedroom she could cry herself out. Mourn the loss of the relationship that never was and prepare herself for the inevitable conversation tomorrow.
Tomorrow. She couldn't deal with him knowing the truth, couldn't deal with the sympathy, rejection and of him letting her down no matter how gently. She was too fragile as it was.
Maybe in a few weeks when she was stronger, when Emily was either in or out of the picture she could tell him but not tomorrow. Not when everything was so fresh and raw. No, during the tears of tonight, she would have to come up with some lame cover story and pray it was good enough to fool him, or at least enough to keep him off her back until she healed.
If she ever healed.