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This is the story of a strapping young lad who had big dreams about joining a band and becoming a star. Though his parents tried to discourage him from going down what they considered a dangerous path, he would not let their fear dictate his life. Unfortunately, he would not have a long life once he decided to pursue his dreams. This is the story of the fixture that gave his life so that the Steam Powered Giraffe could pull off the greatest Yulemas show ever. This is the story of Chair.

Now there isn’t much to say about Chair’s life. He spent most of his life locked away in storage. In his early days, Chair, his parents, and his three siblings were part of a dining room set. The table was his grandfather; I guess. Anyway, they belonged to a married couple who moved in together and got married too soon. As a result, they spent most of their free time together fighting. They thought having a child would fix their marital problems, which is why they got such a large dining room set. Spoiler alert: having children didn’t fix their problems, and the couple soon divorced. Chair and his family were sent to a storage room where they were forgotten about.

This experience did not deter Chair’s parents from encouraging their children to be a part of the households of other families. Two of his siblings did eventually join other households. The other sibling moved into a school. And his parents were proud of all his siblings.

But Chair had bigger plans. Jeff Bezos’s assistant’s cousin's dog walker, who worked part time as a carpenter, built him and his family, so he knew he was destined for great things. Great things like joining a rock and roll band.

His parents did not want him to join a rock and roll band. They thought all rock and rollers were violent psychos who had no care for their surroundings or other people’s property. They thought if he joined a band, that band would surely break him to pieces.

Chair did not care.

“I’d rather be a part of something great, something that makes people smile, even for just a moment, than sit in a dining room, collecting dust,” Chair said.

So he auditioned for all of his favorite bands until one of them called back. That band was, of course, Steam Powered Giraffe. His parents were relieved. They thought Steam Powered Giraffe were a bunch of theatre kids, and theatre kids always took care of their props. Right?

On the night of that fateful show, his parents gave him their blessings, and Chair left them to go on his first and final performance.

All he had to do was let The Spine sit on him while he performed Hot on the Trail. Chair had no problem with this.

The show was going great. The band introduced themselves, and they each got a huge round of applause. They played Marshmallow World, and that made everyone happy. Zero told a weird story about cockroaches, but the crowd was still in good spirits. When Chair finally came out on stage, the crowd gave him the biggest applause he had ever heard.

Then, halfway through the song, The Spine got a little too into his performance. He stood and flipped Chair with all his might. Chair went flying, and he knew as soon as he hit the ground he would be smashed into pieces on impact. Just as his parents foretold.

However, Chair did not feel sadness or regret or even anger. He felt... Well, perhaps it’s best if you hear his last moments in his own words:

Oh, mother, oh, father

I’m afraid I won’t come home tonight

‘Cause everything you said would happen came true

But, mother please don’t be sad

Father, don’t be mad

‘Cause I got to be a part of something great

Yes, I got to be a star tonight

You should have heard that applause

You should have seen The Spine

He looked so cool

And he sounded so epic

You should have heard those awes

So don’t wait up

You can go to bed happy

‘Cause your kid did alright

For a moment I was a star

And I got my fifteen minutes

And I got what I wanted most of all

Something I didn’t even know I wanted until it happened

I got to feel The Spine’s butt on my face!

Yes, that’s right

The Spine sat on my face!

Yes, that’s right

It was the Spine who sat on my face!

And it was surprisingly warm for a robot

And now I can die happy because

The Spine sat on my face

Happy Yulemas, everyone!