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Alahitham and Kaveh keep missing each other due to schedule conflicts, Kaveh working late into the night and coming home just before the sunrise and Alhaitham coming home just before the sunset. They could of course fix this if Kaveh strictly worked days, but he holds all his client meetings during the day and leaves his evenings for the real work.
The pair of them have barely spoken besides a few reminders about leftovers in the fridge when one of them bothers to cook and It’s all beginning to affect Kaveh, somehow.
He feels… Lonesome.
No longer able to stay in the house and work on his off days, Kaveh spends them in the house of Daena. The atmosphere in their shared home is somehow too quiet. Even when, realistically, Alhaitham barely makes any noise as it is, it feels like Kaveh is living in an abandoned house.
Before Kaveh’s work life got so busy they used to go shopping together, or at the very least eat together every night. Kaveh’s routine had begun to revolve around having Alhaitham at his side a majority of the time, and now that routine has gone up in flames entirely.
Kaveh feels like they had begun to get back what they had built in their Academia days, a bond he never thought could be repaired after all these years. A creeping feeling of loss begins to enter his heart signaling that there was, indeed, something there under the surface after all.
He feels a bit jealous of the people Alhaitham works with who get to at the very least lay eyes on him if they cannot catch him for a conversation. Kaveh hasn’t laid eyes on Alhaitham in at least four entire days, something he used to regard as a pleasant vacation turned sour.
He catches himself sketching Alhaitham absentmindedly, unable to focus on his work at all even now in the pleasant environment the house of Daena offers.
Underneath one of the finished sketches he scribbles a few poetic lines that catch him off guard as he casually scans the page.
Kaveh hadn't thought about poetry since his beginning academia days. This poem in particular was one of Alhaitham's favorites to argue about, the topic usually revolving around whether or not the lines portrayed love or sorrow.
Kaveh had always fought on the side of love, but looking at the sketches laid out before him his chest swells with every complicated emotion Alhaitham has ever managed to wring from him.
He sees the poem and understands the sorrow Alhaitham sees in it. But it is still undoubtedly veiled in love.
It’s how he feels watching Alhaitham; how he feels lately living with a half-man, half ghoul that deliberately leaves signs of life around the apartment and yet rarely shows his face.
Love and sorrow.
Love after everything they've been through.
Sorrow knowing they would never bridge that gap into something more.
Kaveh realizes, pencil clattering to the table, that he wishes for something more.
How he wishes to be something worthy of Alhaitham’s time the way Alhaitham has always been worthy of Kaveh’s. Always been Kaveh's.
Alhaitham is his.
His what?
His.
Or he was his, once.
Kaveh remains completely still for the rest of his ‘work period’. His brain shuts down almost entirely except to shuffle his body out of the Academia seat and through the ornate doors at the library entrance.
He takes the scenic route home, passing by the gardens and families heading home without seeing them entirely. He feels so still. So completely quiet inside, like everything finally makes sense, that it makes him numb with the silence in his usually over rambling brain.
I love Alhaitham. Alhaitham is nowhere to be found, and it’s slowly draining everything I have not having him around.
I wish I could have at least seen what it was like to love him up close.
It’s too late now, Kaveh thinks, turning his now never-missing key in the lock. He’ll continue to work just as I have to and we’ll grow apart once again until it undoes all the work we’ve done.
Walking through the door, Kaveh deposits his keys slowly and soundlessly into the bowl and drops his book bag on the floor with a thud. He'll pick it up later, right now he needs his bed to get him through this daze.
"I hope you don't expect me to pick that up," a sardonic voice quips from the living room.
Alhaitham? Had he stayed home today?
Kaveh feels like he should be overjoyed to see the man plaguing his mind after so many days apart, but truthfully it only makes the ache worse.
Kaveh says nothing. Doesn't even look up at the man on the couch as he slowly walks past, trying to make it to his room before the thinking begins again and sleep escapes him.
"Kaveh?"
Alhaitham has done the unthinkable and set his book down, standing to follow after Kaveh. Whether he's annoyed or curious is beyond Kaveh's grasp right now as he makes his way through the living room and into the hallway entrance.
"Long day," is all he says. "I'm going to my room."
He braves a glance over his shoulder at Alhaitham's tall frame and winces at the expression there. Confusion, concern, maybe irritation?
Kaveh wonders what it'd be like to see joy written across Alahitham’s face in response to his presence. What would it be like to come home to Alhaitham sitting on that couch, mood lightening as Kaveh walked through the door.
What would it be like to be greeted with a smile, a hug maybe?
A kiss? Fool, Kaveh, you’re a delirious fool.
That thought seems to spark more pain through Kaveh's head and he holds up his hand to rub at his aching temple.
What would it be like? He wonders, stopping fully in the hallway leading to his bedroom.
If I was yours, his inner voice whispers what his outer voice cannot, What would you feel like?
Kaveh’s body turns of its own accord, slowly, to face Alhaitham as his mind fills with incredibly vivid images of this alternate reality.
Would you still lecture me about the chores? Would you still leave your obnoxious corrections in the notice boards?
How would you taste, Alhaitham?
If I was yours, would I learn?
Kaveh's eyes start to burn, feeling welling up inside him once more after the realization in the library all but drained him. He swore he was done crying for the day, but the ache... Oh the ache is killing him as his eyes meet Alhaitham's rather dangerously close ones.
"What's gotten into you now? Have you been at Lambad's? You look like you're about to throw up," he says, mild horror mixed into his annoyance.
Just once.
Just once, please, just once-
Just one touch and I'll swear it off. I'll never try it again,
Archons please allow me just once before I never see you again.
Kaveh slowly closes the distance, one step at a time, keeping eye contact until the last second when his lips meet Alhaitham's.
His heart shatters in his chest as the warmth grazes his lips and the smell of Alhaitham hits him in full force. Barely a brush of lips together, but he promised just once.
He shouldn't have come home tonight.
He shouldn't have walked into this house knowing he'd been so overcome already by the realization that he wanted no one else.
Kaveh's tears begin to fall and he swallows, pulling away from Alhaitham's mouth. From his warmth, and from the faint smell of books he carried.
There. Experiment over.
Now when the separation continues, at least Kaveh can say he knows what Alhaitham feels like. At least now he’ll have the memory when they inevitably part ways permanently.
Kaveh steps back, eyes clamped shut despite the tears free flowing from them.
"Kaveh, wait-" Alhaitham sounds wrecked as he grips the fleeing blonde man's arm and leans back in to chase his lips. Kaveh comes completely undone then.
Mine?
He is mine
He's mine! wails Kaveh's soul, possessiveness flooding his very veins in a rush.
Feeling comes back to his bones as the ache of missing his other half is soothed.
Alhaitham arm wraps around the small of Kaveh’s back
He's always been mine. Who gives a fuck in what capacity. Friends, group mates, roommates, mine. Mine. Even if we’re apart he's mine-
"Yours. I'm yours, Kaveh. I missed you too,” Kaveh’s eyes spill more tears at those broken words, mouth never parting from Alhaitham’s to say the words that have been stuck in his throat for a lifetime.
I love you