Chapter Text
In recent days, James David Vance had noticed his succulent, delicious, hunk of orange flesh walking by. It was pretty hard not to hear him walk by, his each and every step creating craters in the lush White House Carpet. Recently, Trump had been avoiding him, making Vance feel…. Avoided, ignored… left out. He has FOMO 🙁
This was his chance; as Trump was walking by, he grabbed his chunky wrist, stopping him in his tracks. He growled like a sassy, sexy, alpha male, pushing Trump towards the wall and pinning him there.
He watched as Trump squirmed beneath him… he was always so sensitive… That's what he liked about him… his little neko cat princess. “...Kitten Whiskers… why are you ignoring Daddy like this?”
Trump squeaked, bashfully looking away out the window, eyes set on the beautiful golden sunlight in the midst of the white house. Golden hour made the building look especially spectacular … orange. Just how Trump liked it. “Recently… I noticed a lot of my exes have come back to town. Vancey… I’m scared. If they find out I'm seeing you t-they’ll kill you!”
“Heh….” Vance giggled, “A little competition never hurts.”
Trump was freaky and got off on the idea of Vance being jealous of other people who liked him. As president, he had millions of eyes on him every day, observing his every move and his every pore.
After a hot makeout session, Vance had to decide where to start. Trump's exes could be ANYWHERE. Trump warned him that there were seven. SEVEN evil exes.
The easiest one to take out would probably be Joe Biden. He and Trump had a few one-night-stands during their campaign, but Trump meant it was nothing. But to Biden… it was the world. Anyways, he weighed 2 pounds and was 109 years old. If he wanted to, Vance could pick him up and use him as a spear.
Next was Obama. He was a fuckign DEMMY!!! He was WOKE and Vance HATED him!!! AND he was black!!!!! EW!!!! Pick a struggle, Obama. To Trump, he was an artist, his strange speeches about climate change and gay rights were so foreign to his ears that it sounded like another language, background noise really. Like the lame pop music playing in the background of your local Walmart. He thought he was soooooo quirky, posting his summer playlist every year. Trump lost interest, as he should have, but Obama came crawling back for him.
After him, was his EX WIFE. Melania…………… As the pure christian that Trump was, divorcing his wife was like asking to go to hell. But… Trump made it sound like his time with her WAS hell. He needed to break free from her strict rules and looks of uninterest. She always ducked out of the way when he tried to kiss her. She didn’t deserve him. She was just a phase, after all. Vance presumed she was here for petty revenge.
Kim Jong Un was one of Trump’s torrid affairs. He rolled around like a bowling ball, not the most appealing visual in Vance’s opinion. They did it on the plane. Kim LOVED American food… and so did Trump. They liked each other's flavors, the way their lips tasted against each other's. BUt then Kim became a VEGAN. EW> Vegans aren't real. Vegans = Demmys. Die. BUt… every time the two had to meet for political reasons, they would always share a burger afterwards with a side of lust and mayo if you know what I mean.
Putin was probably the driest relationship Trump had. He claimed he had a personality, but that was really just him talking about communism and nuclear war. He wasn’t even special when the lights were off. Vance would have to be careful, if he screwed up, he would get blown up by the Russians.
Speaking of BORING, one of Trump’s most scandalous relationships was the man who made Trump a star. Christopher Columbus, the director of Home Alone 2, who was awfully adamant that Trump played a role in his movie. Back then, Trump had a ten-pack and a cutie patootie, and the two hit it off. When Trump went back to his hotel room after a long day of filming, he caught Christ CHEATING on him with Phil Dunphy from Modern Family.
Then, the most recent and MESSIEST breakup, there was Elon Musk. Trump's longest and most passionate love. They even had a son together, but they had to abort him because he was so ugly. They were going to name him TeslaXCX, in honor of the song they had in their sex playlist. 365 by Charli XCX. They were BUMPING that shit. Elon was like….super rich. He was the rebel and bad boy the people wanted. He could pick you up and take you to space. When he says he loves you to mars and back, he fucking means it. Vance wasn’t worried about him, he was built like a cybertruck, a total drama character on a good day.
Later that night when he was alone, to calm down, Vance called his best friend Kamala Harris. She was a demmy, but she was a good one. She wasn’t the right race but it's okay. For now. She answered his call immediately. (She secretly hates him and his plotting to kill him)
“What.” Kamala said. She’s such a good friend.
“Uh, hey coconut queen, I need some help.” Vance admitted.
“What now? I’m busy with my girlfriends.”
“Hear me out,” He started, but Kamala cut him off.
Two seconds into the call and she already sounded done with him, “IF this is something stupid like last time, I’m gonna shoot you. And I won't miss it.”
“Alright fine, chill out BITCH.” She gasped, Vance didn’t understand why women got so offended when he called them that. Before she could retaliate he continued, “Trump has been feeling down lately, do you know any places that we could go to to liven him up?”
“I heard there’s a special place,” Kamala began, “Where boys and girls can all be kings and queens every day. The Pink Pony Club.”
“Oh…” Vance thought a place like that sounded kinda scary. He was just a small bean.
“Relax, JD, I can come with you. Someone like you would get kicked to the floor and pissed on. The gays are gonna hate you especially.”
“It’s a date then.”
“Please, die.” Kamala groaned. Their friendship was so strong.