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1) Nori Ri did not steal a Greek amphora depicting Zeus’s birth this weekend. The questions are asked—they always are and this time by Interpol agents—but there is no proof that the slender redhead with the lovely blue-grey eyes and the expensive loft with no discernible source of legitimate income impersonated a security guard, stole eleven keycards and two cellphones, and walked out of the museum with a priceless artifact in her backpack. Her alibi consists of the phone number of the professional boxer she’d spent the weekend with, but she gives the agents fresh-ground coffee and fresh-baked madelines and answers all their questions five times over anyway.
2) Nori Ri did not steal the Empress Eugenie brooch Saturday morning. The questions are asked—again by the tall, handsome Interpol agent with tattoos and a permanent scowl—and there is a Hollywood handsome barista who will swear up and down that he served a no-whip grande iced mocha with soy to the woman who did not walk into Christie’s Auction House and pocket a piece of jewelry worth $10.5 mil. Her real alibi is an seven-year-old with big ears and an earnest smile who swears on his favorite Transformer that his big sister took him to see ‘Wreck-It Ralph’ on Saturday and Sunday because it was so awesome and because his big sister is the coolest person in the whole wide world even if she is a girl.
3) Nori Ri did not steal a collection of tribal masks from the DuSable Museum on Thursday night. If questions are asked—and they will be—there are a dozen eyewitnesses who will verify that the notorious thief did not stride calmly into a gallery, remove the masks from the wall and then vanish in perfect time with a glitch in the security system. Her alibi is a first date with a man who towers over her and still makes her feel safe, nervous hands smoothing down a new sweater that earns compliments for what it does for the wearer’s blue eyes, and stilted but sincere conversation over good food and even better drinks.
4) Nori Ri did not steal the Vermeer from the Guggenheim on Monday. If questions are asked—of course they will be—there are two emergency room nurses who will verify Miss Ri’s presence for at least five hours during a rush of stabbings and muggings and a four-car pile-up. Her alibi is the gray-haired man in the hospital bed who simultaneously complained of chest pain and insisted he was fine and the text messages she exchanged with the tall tattooed man who towered over her and still made her feel safe.
5) Nori Ri did not steal the Heart of the Kingdom ruby on Saturday. If questions are asked—which they will be—there are upwards of twenty people who will verify that the alleged jewel thief did not slip through five different layers of top-notch security and nab the world’s third largest ruby. Her alibi is a barbeque, the proof a photograph snapped at an unguarded moment, of the seconds after a first kiss, a pretty redhead wrapped in the arms of a handsome gentle giant.
6) Nori Ri did not steal a Van Gogh on Wednesday. If questions are asked—they’re not, not this time—there are three children between the ages of seven and eleven and a gentle giant who will verify that the alleged thief did not rappel down through a skylight and carefully slice the canvas from the frame. Her alibi is a wrist full of clumsily assembled friendship bracelets, a love bite just under her collarbone, and popcorn scattered across her Berber carpet.
7) Nori Ri did not steal The Wittelsbach-Graff Diamond from Christie’s Auction House. If questions are asked—they are, but this time, they’re answered with expertise and a little exasperation—there are Interpol agents who can verify her presence at their booth in a local bar, leaning into the shelter of their co-worker’s arms, spinning hypotheticals about infamous heists that are not far from reality. Her alibi is a visitor’s badge clipped to the bottom of her AC/DC t-shirt, a walk-through of the scene of the crime, and the discovery of the 35.56-carat gray-blue diamond in a vent in the southwest corner of the building, wrapped in a note that bears only a smiley face scribbled on it in purple ink.
8) Nori Ri did not steal a Greek amphora, the Empress Eugenie brooch, a collection of tribal masks, a Vermeer, the Heart of the Kingdom ruby, a Van Gogh, or the Wittelsbach-Graff Diamond but she did steal something far more precious. If questions are asked—they are not—no one will verify her innocence in the theft of Dwalin Lin’s heart. Her alibi is shot to pieces by the early morning lie-ins, the little notes on the fridge (and the bathroom mirror, the closet door, and one favorite pair of boots), the linked hands as they stand in line at the movie theatre, and the loving expression on Dwalin’s face when Nori leans into him at a crime scene just before she whispers exactly how the Faberge egg disappeared without a trace.
9) Nori Ri did not steal anything… but she knows who did.