Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

They say that, when you die, your life will flash before your eyes. A collection of your fondest and sweetest memories, wrapping you in a bittersweet hug as you slowly leave this world.

As Anya laid in the medical room floor, motionless, no one could have been able to guess what kind of memories would be cradling her during her final moments. Her childhood? Her first birthday party? Late study sessions with her best friends? Would it be the warm embrace of her loved ones, or would gentle hands be replaced with the cruelty of-

None of that mattered anymore.

None of that mattered, because Anya was dying, taking back the little autonomy she had left. As the world around her began to fade, memories of her time on the Tulpar kept her company.

And as she drifted off, she found a strange sense of comfort in the fact that no one could take her memories away from her. In the safety of her mind, no one could walk free of charges or twist the narrative to make her seem like she was overreacting. In the safety of her mind, no one could hurt her ever again.

And right then, that's all Anya had ever needed.

I have to believe our worst moments don't define us, don't make us beyond repair.

Even in my case.

Chapter Text

Hi reader! Thank you so much for choosing to read my fic, it really means a lot! <3

Before you continue, I wanna give you a little heads up that the fic gets pretty dark. There's nothing graphic or explicit, but this is one of the most honest stories I have ever written, and I poured my entire heart into giving Anya a voice. To her emotions, her thoughts, and her experiences. I really wanted to show the aftermath of going through something like what Anya goes through.

Another thing I wanted to say, is that everything I wrote is based on my on experiences. This is a topic I care deeply about, and my main concern is treating it with the sensitivity and respect it deserves. But regardless, please, feedback is always welcome! I care about this a lot and I wouldn't want to accidentally go too far with my writing. <3

From the bottom of my heart, thank you so much for reading my work, this was extremely therapeutical for me to write. Thank you so much for giving me a voice, reader. <3

-Lexi <3

Chapter Text

First day! I excitedly put on my new Pony Express uniform, taking a moment to fondly look at my nurse badge. Hey, it's not exactly medical school, but look, I made it!

I smile and giggle to myself as I do some poses in front of the bathroom mirror. After so many sleepless nights, entrance exams, and an insane amount of very complicated math, I'm finally here!

"Oh, nurse Anya, thank you so much for helping me, you're so capable!"

"Nurse Anya, you're incredible! Look, you're so talented, here's your nurse certificate! Screw medical school!"

"And the Nobel Medicine Price goes to our beloved nurse Anya, who has done so much for the community! Everyone give it up for her!"

"Oh, thank you, thank you so much!"

I start talking to myself and putting up a show in front of the mirror without realizing it. After taking one last look at my reflection, I confidently step out of the bathroom of my sleeping quarter. The room itself is nice, nothing out of the ordinary. A not so comfortable bed with white sheets, white walls, and white tiles on the floor. Luckily, I decided to bring some fake plants as decorations (one of which has googly eyes, but none of the other crew members have to know!) to give the room a bit of color.

My clothes are also neatly stored (for now) in the tiny closet the room is equipped with. I didn't bring much, knowing I'd be changing between spares of the same company uniform for the next year or so. Still, I managed to sneak in my sleeping shirt from when I was a teenager. It's bright orange, now washed out from the years, and it has a massive fizzy drink logo on it. The seams are being held together with thoughts and prayers, but it was my favorite shirt before it started falling appart, and I kept wearing it as pajamas because it makes me feel secure.

Safe.

I quickly finish unpacking and head out. In the lounge, my coworkers are all waiting for me. I've spoken a couple words with the captain, Curly, but I'm so excited to meet the others!

Curly politely waves at me as soon as he sees me appear through the door. Meanwhile, a slightly older man is sitting on the couch, and he seems to be complaining to the captain about something. And in the other side of the room-

-Everyone, this is Anya! She just joined Pony Express, and she will be working with us as the ship's nurse! I hope you all give her a warm welcome and make her feel like home.

Curly introduces me to everyone, softly placing his hand on my back as the words leave his mouth. Too touchy, I think to myself, but I gues he's just trying to be welcoming.

-Hello! My name is Anya, don't hesitate to come to me if you're ever feeling sick or distressed! -I reply with a big smile.

-You remind me an awful lot of my own daughter, you know that? Always bright and cheerful, don't worry, it won't be long until you see how full of shit Pony Express actually is. But we gotta make ends meet, am I right?

-Hey Swansea, did you know your pessimism is contageous? Let her enjoy herself a little! -Curly replies with a fond smile.

I giggle as I watch the friendly banter between both men. Turns out that the grumpy man, Swansea, is the mechanic of the ship, and has been working for the company for a while.

He seems honest, I like that. I sit next to him in the sofa, leaving a comfortable distance between us, and Curly starts explaining the specifics of the delivery trip once he joins us, idly standing in the opposite end of the table in front of us.

Sometimes, he glances at me. I feel like his gaze is piercing through me, silently analyzing every inch of me, my behavior; to determine what kind of person I am, and whether or not that is something of his liking.

That makes me feel small. But I try to focus on Curly's talk and shrug off the uncomfortable feeling. It's my first day, after all.

Just a weird first impression.

-Nurse Anya, right? I feel like we're gonna have fun on this trip, you and I. -He tells me, right after Curly's speech, putting a hand on my shoulder.

I smile gently as I pull down my uniform sleeves. He's practically one head taller than me.

He leaves his hand on my shoulder an uncomfortably long amount of time. Not breaking eye contact; his expression unreadable.

I think to myself, tonight I'll throw these clothes in the laundry basket.

Chapter Text

-Anyaaaaaaa, how long is this going to takeeeeee? -Daisuke asks me, spinning in his chair as he does so.

-Just a few minutes, I promise! Just a couple questions and then you can go back to helping Swansea, alright? -I reply, giggling a little.

As much as I can't believe how someone's parents could send them on an internship out in space, I'm honestly so grateful for Daisuke's presence. Despite him being a little younger than me, we get along well and play board games almost every night, right before bedtime. He usually ends up winning (I'm genuinely convinced he's cheating), and even if I admittedly get super worked up every single time, these board game nights we have mean a lot to me.

They make me feel safe in the inmensity of the vast, empty space.

-Not to brag, but I think Swansea's the one helping me! Like, dude, I'm learning so fast! I might as well steall his job. -Daisuke adds, cheerfully. 

Thank you for being you, Daisuke.

-Okay, okay, I believe you. How are you feeling up here? Do you miss home, your parents? -I ask, wholeheartedly. I'm not exactly following the psych eval questions for everyone, but what matters to me most right now is that Daisuke feels heard and supported. I can deal with the paperwork later.

-Well, I'm sure my parents don't miss me. -Daisuke's smile fades subtly. -Don't get me wrong, my mom loves me very much, but they still sent me up here regardless, you know? And I mean, not that I hate it, you guys are super cool, and I'm learning a lot from Swansea! I think he hates my guts, but I think I may wanna be a mechanic when I get back! 

And just like that, he smiles again.

Daisuke, you're such a ray of sunshine.

-Being away from home can be really hard, especially at such a young age. And while I don't exactly agree with your parents' decision, I'm sure they miss you just as much as you miss them. And when you get back, you can tell them about everything you learnt! We're all super proud of you Daisuke, and I'm sure they will be too. -I reassure him.

-Thanks, Anya, but for that to happen, I kinda still need to make sure Swansea doesn't kill me. The other day, I got stuck in the foam trying to fix one of the vents, and as he was letting me out, I could see the evil in his eyes! Anya, I think he's planning to murder me in my sleep!

I start laughing, and he stares at me, confused and comically offended, as if I had just disrespected his entire legacy.

-Swansea? No way! Hey, I'm going to tell you a secret, but don't tell him I said this, alright? Or he'll kill me instead!

-Pinky promise! My lips are sealed.

-Swansea genuinely has a soft spot for you. And don't go around saying I told you, but by his work desk you can see a picture of his family, and he has a son your age! And based on the stories he told me about him during our last haul, I think you remind him of him. So no, Swansea could never hate you!

-Awwww, now I feel bad stealing his job for being too good at it! Don't worry Swansea, I'll send you postcards from space when you retire! -Daisuke adds, and we both burst into laughter again.

After giggling and joking for a while, I start collecting my notes.

-Thank you so much, Daisuke. The evaluation was great, as always. You can go now! 

-Finallyyyyyyyyyy! Monopoly tonight?

-Of course! But be ready, because I will crush you!

-Not if I eat all your money!

After waving me goodbye, he softly closes the door behind him, and I get back to my tasks for the rest of the day.

Daisuke, thank you for being here.

Chapter Text

-This is bullshit.

-Come on Swansea, just a few routine questions and we're done, I promise it won't take long. -I tell him with a smile, knowing he's by far the least excited of the crew when it comes to undergoing the psych evals.

Well, unless you count-

No, this is not the place.

I straighten my back and grab my pen, ready to continue with the evaluation. Swansea and Curly both agree that I must take pleasure in their boredom and misery, torturing them with these mindless questions, and I swear to them over and over I only conduct them because it's protocol...

But I can't deny I have just a little bit of fun teasing them! 

-Have you been able to manage your duties as the mechanic of the ship without problems? -I ask him, reading off the eval.

-Can't you just write whatever will make the fuckers down there happy? I ain't at school anymore. -Swansea replies, desperation visible in his tone.

-You know I can't do that! You need to give me an answer, whatever it is, and I promise to leave out the swear words.

-Then listen carefully! Ahem, Pony Express can suck my di-

-Swansea! Language! -I exclaim, faking shock and trying to hide my laughter.

-Okay, okay, sorry. I know you're trying to work here, it's just exasperating. Just write "yes" under every question so that Pony Express doesn't cut down my already shitty salary. -Swansea replies, slightly remorseful.

-All good, no worries... and there, it's done! See, it wasn't so hard, was it? -I happily tease him.

-The kid holding up okay? -Swansea asks me next, completely changing the topic.

-Daisuke? I can't imagine things are easy for him, as much as he tries to put on a brave smile. But no worries, I think he's doing great so far! -I reassure him with a fond smile.

-Good, just wanna make sure he doesn't end up going crazy or something, this ain't no place for a kid.

-Oh Swansea, you're such a dad!

I laugh a little, and I see he's trying his hardest to hold back a smile.

-I just wanna watch out for the kid, just as I did for you last trip. I still remember your first day, and you haven't changed one bit!

-Oh, you flatter me! I do my best to stay positive through... everything, you know.

I think that sounded a little more worrying than I intended.

-And what about you? You holding up okay? I ain't got as much time now that I'm making sure Daisuke doesn't crack his head open; hell, you know I'm not good at all this emotional crap, but if someone gives you shit, you know I'm here to make sure they pay, right? 

Swansea looks me in the eyes which such intensity that I almost feel guilty for not opening up to him.

About what, exactly?

There's nothing to worry about... right?

I notice my eyes have gotten a little watery, and I quickly wipe them with my sleeve.

-Thank you so much, Swansea. Really, it means the world to me. -I reply with a smile.

He gives me a suspicious look, but luckily doesn't press me any further.

-If you ever feel like talking, you know where to find me, alright kid?

I give him a reassuring nod, scared that my voice my break if I try to talk.

You're a good man, Swansea, despite what you may think. You do so much good around here.

Chapter Text

As I revise my schedule for the day, I notice today is Curly's turn to undergo his psych eval. He will be here any minute!

As if on queue, Captain Curly appears through the door of the medical room, his usual polite smile on his face. Quickly, I hide some doodles I was drawing under my psychology notes. Gotta look professional! As much as I've grown to appreciate Curly, I don't think he would quite enjoy my silly doodles. After all, he's a much more practical man.

One would say, oblivious to the little details.

-Nurse Anya! How are you today?

The Captain greets me, as he sits down in front of me.

-I'm okay, thanks, are you ready to start your psych eval? -I reply with a smile.

-Straight to the point, huh? I must say, I admire your dilligence. -Curly says, almost teasingly.

Sometimes, I can't even tell what he thinks of me. Switching between closeness and what could almost be read as light flirting, to the Captain's duty.

Curly, you're a mystery even I can't unravel. Who are you, really?

-The same could be said about you, Captain. Besides, I value both my work and your time a lot! Okay, first question...

Curly smiles at me, and I notice his dark circles are more prominent than the last time he sat in front of my desk.

-Have you been sleeping okay? I mean, I know Pony Express doesn't really give us many commodities, but given what we have, how are you holding up? You seem... tired.

-It's nothing to worry about, really. I guess there's just a lot on my mind. -Curly answers, nonchalantly.

-Oh Curly, I wish you'd open up a little more. I assume being the Captain comes with a lot of added stress, how do you feel about that?

-Okay, okay, I'll confess. -He gives me another playful smile. -You, the crew, are all my duty, my responsibility. I love Swansea, but he's not exactly a people person, and him and [...] tend to clash a lot. Meanwhile, Daisuke got sent to complete his internship with us with barely any preparation, and it's a matter of time before he starts growing really homesick. He's holding up great so far, but I don't want anything to go wrong, you know? And then, [...], well, we both know he can be... complicated.

I notice I have been staring into the papers in my desk; my mind elsewhere I don't want to recall.

I don't want to think about him, Curly.

I subtly take a deep breath and give Curly a compassionate smile.

-Thank you so much, Curly. Yeah, I get it. -I tell him, sincerely. -I can't imagine the pressure you must be under, but I want you to know that I'm always here to talk, alright? In this room, you're safe, and I promise I'd never judge you. I'm on your side, Captain. Talk to me if you're ever feeling overwhelmed, please. 

-I'll think about your offer, Anya. But I can promise you there's nothing to worry about. -He reassures me.

He's afraid of displaying any signs of vulnerability, worrying the ground will crumble beneath his feet if the reliable Captain is not there to hold the pieces together at every waking moment.

I take some notes, as I notice he's staring into my doodles with curiosity.

-You drew these? -Curly asks.

-Oh, these? Yeah! I like to scribble when I'm bored, when I need to focus, or when inspiration comes my way! I love drawing and taking pictures of places and things I enjoy! I know it doesn't seem like much, but it makes me really happy to be able to hang these all around! -I giggle a little as I look at Curly's face, observing me with such interest.

-Sorry, Captain, I got carried away! -I apologize, still between laughs.

-No worries, I didn't know you were both a nurse and an artist! -He laughs back.

I wish I was able to immortalize moments like this.

So gentle, so pure.

So safe.

-So... did I pass? Are you going to diagnose me? -Curly asks, getting back on track.

-It doesn't work like that! You know I can't diagnose you with anything with just a few routine questions. But yes, you're all good! I just wish you'd let your guard down sometimes, I think it would help you relax a bit, Captain.

-As long as I'm fit to fly in your eyes, Anya. -He replies, as he starts getting up to leave.

Orion Curly, I just never know what you're thinking.

-Thank you so much Captain, you can go back to work now, don't hesitate to come here if you need anything, alright? -I wave goodbye at him as I reorganize my notes.

There is so much about Curly that I can't yet understand. But if there's something I would say, it's that he is... loyal. To his work, and to his people. He wants things to go smoothly, and is willing to shoulder any burdens if that means people around him will have it easier. Even at his own detriment.

Sometimes, however, he can be a bit... naive, having such a blind spot for those he cares about.

But his heart is in the right place, and that's what matters.

Right?

Chapter Text

Okay, just one more evaluation, and then I can study for the rest of the day.

I grab my notes as I mentally rehearse every single sentence over and over again.

It's fine, it's just another routine psych eval; I do my best to reassure myself.

His psych eval.

As I'm trying to calm down, he walks through the door of the medical room. As always, he seems lost in thought in a way that makes me feel... vulnerable.

Desperately trying to guess what he may be thinking, in order to be able to protect myself.

Wait, since when do I feel the need to protect myself around him?

... And why does no one else seem to notice?

"Volatile", I had written down in previous evaluations.

What an understatement.

He closes the door with a loud noise, and I wish he doesn't pay attention to the way I instinctively flinch at the sound. 

He has closed the door.

It's just him and I in the room at the moment, and if something were to happen-

-There's no need to close the door. I'll be quick, I promise. -I tell him, offering him a polite smile, which he returns.

It makes me feel sick.

-What, you don't like being alone with me, "nurse" Anya? -He says, mockingly.

I stare down at my desk and I wait for him to sit down.

The door is still closed.

But I know better than to insist. I know what I want- or rather, not want- has never meant anything to him.

And it never will.

So, just as he says, I shut up and take what-

-Thanks for coming in today, let's start with the routine questions, shall we? -I ask, each word carefully memorized.

He just stares at me in a way that makes me want to crawl out of my skin.

-Have you been able to accomplish your duties as co-pilot without any problems? -I read, refusing to make eye contact.

But his gaze never shifts away from me.

-Yeah, yeah, just write whatever the fuck you need to feel better about your stupid play pretend position. -He scoffs, glancing around the room in visible boredom.

-Jimmy, this is protocol. I don't do this just to torment you- 

He cuts me off.

-Do you think Pony Express gives a shit about these stupid tests? It's not as if you're a real nurse to begin with. Come on, we both know they only put you in here to cut corners.

I stare at my desk, shocked.

Frozen.

-And besides...

Please.

-You're prettier when you keep your mouth shut, aren't you?

Stop.

Everything I had memorized leaves my mind. Every single plan of action; every single way of reclaiming my authority in a futile attempt to earn even the slightest bit of respect, is gone in the blink of an eye.

And I'm just sat there, paralyzed.

The words keep leaving his mouth, but I can't hear them anymore. I start completing his psych eval on autopilot.

Today I learn that Jimmy will always get his way, and my entire existance is nothing but a joke to him.

Or rather something much darker.

Chapter Text

The comfortable blue light from the nighttime window screen softly illuminates the lounge, keeping me company as I eat my instant noodles after a long day.

Eating hot food makes the already closed off atmosphere of the Tulpar feel like an oven, so I carefully unbutton the top part of my jumpsuit and tie the sleeves to my waist, revealing my gorgeous, fizzy drink themed, neon orange pajama shirt. Not really Pony Express approved work attire, but hey, I wanted to sleep five more minutes! And then those five minutes turned into half an hour... and I barely had time to put on my uniform, but no one has to know! 

The food here is not much, but it reminds me of those long study sessions back at home, where I would reward myself by binging fast food and watching trash TV. The familiarity makes me smile.

Come on Anya, just a couple more months; I reassure myself.

As I'm finishing my meal, I hear someone walking through the door. It must be Curly, as he tends to keep me company at night, I think to myself.

-Hey "nurse" Anya! Have you seen Curly?

My stomach drops as my body tenses up, and I accidentally drop my fork inside my noodles.

It's not the Captain.

It's not the Captain, Daisuke's already gone to bed, Swansea sleeps like a log, and-

-Oh, did I startle you? -He asks, visibly grinning, as if he's proud of his accomplishment.

Fucking disgusting.

I place my unfinished noodles in the coffee table, suddenly feeling too dizzy do down anything without vomiting, like when my mom used to take me on roadtrips and I would get motion sickness.

In moments like this, I miss her the most.

-Is Curly not with you? -I ask him, temptatively. -He always joins me around this time, so I got startled because I was expecting him! Sorry if I upset you.

Okay, Anya, it's okay, you're okay.

I'm sure he will leave now-

-Oh? So you're alone? -His smile grows bigger, as he sits right next to me; his legs spread and his right arm around my shoulders.

I regret taking off the top part of my jumpsuit. It's okay, I'm sure Curly will be here soon.

He will.

-Come on, what's with that look? We're friends, aren't we? -He says, as he forces me to look at him.

And suddenly, his expression darkens.

-Right, Anya? Come on, say it. -He repeats; his tone more demanding this time.

-Yes, we're friends, Jimmy.

He lets go of my face, satisfied, and I hide the tears threathening to spill.

-Nice look, by the way. See, I told you it wouldn't hurt to show a bit of skin, would it? -He adds, eyeing me up and down with a look that can only be described as-

No.

-Thank you, Jim. -I reply, a bit more dry than intended, as I slowly put my uniform back on; hands slightly trembling.

-You know, Anya? There's one thing I reaaaaally miss when I'm up here, you know what it is?

-No, Jimmy, I don't know.

I stare at the floor; at the empty space between my legs.

-I miss fucking, Anya. Rough, apathetic fucking. Between you and I, Curly may have the looks, charisma and whatnot, but you know what I have?

I can hear my heart pounding inside my head, in my throat, and I can't remember how to breathe.

-No, Jimmy, I don't know.

My voice comes out in a whisper.

-I have control Anya. Curly may have the status, but he's a pushover. He's not willing to... take the extra step, if you know what I mean.

He places his hand in my upper thigh.

-I know girls like you, who like "playing hard to get", sometimes need a little... push. Oh, but don't worry, once you get down to it, you'll fucking love it.

He keeps on talking. Unfiltered, explicit details of past encounters, bragging about an ever growing body count as if each poor girl was nothing but a mindless trophy to add to his sick collection.

I can't hear anything anymore; unable to focus on anything but the touch on my leg as the world around me gets blurrier by the second.

It burns.

-... enough about me, what about you, our model "nurse"? -He asks, cupping my face with his rough, dirty hands; forcing me to look at him.

If I close my eyes and dream far, far away, it will be over soon-

-Do you miss fucking, Anya?

There is no escape.

I swallow, trying to calm the angry pit in my stomach; threathening to make me throw up the little amount of noodles I ate tonight.

-I- no, I- I don't really do- I'm not really into-

It's all I'm able to say between heavy breaths before he interrupts me.

-Wait, you're a fucking virgin? Seriously?! Oh, that's rich. -He replies, not letting go of my face.

-Then I'll have to teach you sometime, huh?

Everything fades to black, and for the first time in my life, I genuinely wish I was dead.

-Guys? Jimmy? Are you here? -A familiar voice asks from the other side of the lounge.

It's Curly.

It's finally Curly.

-Curly! Where were you? I was just making friendly conversation with our little "nurse" here while we waited for you. -He replies, completely shifting his tone.

I allow myself to breathe again.

-Glad you two are getting along! -Curly replies, oblivious. Hey, I'm so sorry to bother you so late, Jim, but could you help me with something at the cockpit, please?

-Yeah, whatever. -He reluctantly agrees, following the Captain through the door.

-Goodnight Anya, sleep well, we have a lot to do tomorrow! -Curly tells me, aknowledging me for the first time.

I wasn't expecting him to notice the tears rolling down my cheeks, but it still hurts when he just leaves me there.

After all, the Captain's duty will always come first.

-Let's continue our conversation tomorrow, right, Anya?

He's finally gone.

As I quietly sob into my hands, I pray to the space, the sky, to whoever is listening; that tomorrow I don't wake up.

Chapter Text

-Aaaaand I win again! Hehehehe, suck it! -Daisuke screams proudly, getting up and doing a little celebratory dance around the table.

-Oh, come on, the UNO cards just hate me! It's not my fault you got all the +4! -I yell back in a terrible attempt to sound mad.

-Mayyyybe if you stopped being mean to them every time you lost, the cards would actually like you! They like me! 

-Okay, okay, I admit defeat, but I know you're cheating, and I will figure out how! 

-Challenge accepted! Monopoly tomorrow?

-Sure! Now help me put the cards back in the box to make sure you don't actually rig the deck!

We start picking up the cards from the table, slowly; as if I could magically stretch out every second to never end.

I've always been really competitive, but lately, it's been harder to feel like... myself. "One more game!" I selfishly ask Daisuke, pretending all I want is to win.

But in reality, I just don't want to go to bed.

I don't want to go to my room.

I don't want to be alone. Or rather, I'm terrified of not being alone.

-Anya? Tulpar to Anya? -Daisuke calls, moving his hand in front of my eyes to get my atention.

-Oh, sorry! I was just a little lost in thought. -I reply with a soft smile, but he's not smiling back. Instead, he's looking at me with the most concerned expression I've ever seen on him.

I'm so sorry, Daisuke.

-Okay, so, first of all, I hope this doesn't come off as invasive or anything! But, like, lately, you're been more distracted... and you look really, really sad every time we go to bed... I know I'm just an intern, but I see you as my friend, and I wanna cheer you up! I promise you can trust me, so please, if something is really going on, you can talk to me. 

I just stare at him, tears in my eyes, fighting my hardest to hold them back. But if I talk, my voice will break, and there will be no turning back.

-... can I? -Daisuke asks, hesitant, opening his arms in a hugging motion.

That's it.

"Can I". 

I start tearing up as I nod, and Daisuke wraps me in a gentle hug. 

It's warm and safe. Tight enough to feel cared for, but not so much that you suffocate. Genuine, innocent touch; wanting to heal, not to hurt.

Not to take.

But you wouldn't know, would you? You were oh so hungry, and I didn't know any better. I didn't know touch was supposed to feel good. You found refuge in my panic, control in my inexperience, and oh so sick, twisted pleasure in my sense of guilt. Too naive to stop you, to think ill of you when you shut me up for screaming too loud when I begged you to stop. I told you. Over and over. But my crying was just not enough when you were oh so close to adding one more to your collection. I hope you forget how I felt under your dirty hands and the shape of me, I hope you never see me again in your distorted memory and not dehumanize me anymore. But you hurt and broke my body and mind in ways I will never be able to forget.

"But we're still friends, aren't we?"

I don't really know for how long we hug. But for just a second, I feel safe.

Thank you, Daisuke.

I finally let go of his embrace, wiping my tears with my uniform sleeve.

-Thank you, Daisuke... I think I really needed that. -I tell him with a smile; my voice still cracking a little bit.

-It's nothing, really! Do you... wanna talk about it?

Daisuke is the youngest of the crew. He's kind and really compassionate. Innocent. And I think he should get to keep his innocence for just a little longer.

I was just like that before him too. 

-I'm feeling better now, thank you... I think I'm just stressed, but I promise you have nothing to worry about, alright? -I reply, this time my voice a bit more steady.

-Okay, I guess I believe you... but if someone ever makes you cry, you tell me and I'll come at them with my baseball bat! I was the best on my team after all!

Despite it all, that makes me giggle a little.

-Thank you, Daisuke. For the game nights, for listening to me... for everything. It means a lot to me.

-Oh, don't sweat it! That's what friends are for! 

After that, he walks me to my room, and then disappears into his. I decide I don't want to wear my favorite shirt tonight.

I'm glad I got to thank Daisuke tonight. Because a part of me doesn't really know if I'm going to wake up tomorrow.

Chapter Text

I tend to have nightmares often.

And this is just another one.

I don't even know if my eyes are open or closed. But they feel heavy.

I can't move my body either. I think I'm suffocating.

I'm inside a bubble where no sound comes in. I tell my hands to move, but they don't want to listen.

So I wait, wait, wait.

-I hope this hurts.

And then it's sharp.

It's sharp and I can feel it through my body as I look at it from the outside.

I'm not there, I'm not there, I'm not there.

I'm in the lounge of the Tulpar. I'm back at my childhood home. I'm at the playground waiting for my grandparents to pick me up from school.

I wander through my dream, lost, waiting for my body to wake up.

"Wake up!" I yell, confused. But no sound comes out.

I didn't know you could feel pain in dreams. So much pain.

Sharp pain taking control of your body while you watch from afar.

And then, it's just silence.

The reverberating of the sound of my heartbeat inside my head, or another rhythmic sound alike, is nowhere to be found.

And I'm back into me, but not fully.

-

I don't know when I woke up. It's still dark around me, but I don't want to look at the time.

I want time to freeze so I can stay trapped in this instant forever. I don't want to exist in this instant ever again.

I stare into the ceiling. I don't know when I started to cry either. But I cry, and cry, and cry until my head hurts and my eyes are puffy.

I think I forgot to check for monsters under my bed.

Chapter Text

-Hey... why do you think Pony Express put a lock on the medical room door but not on the sleeping quarters?

-I suppose for the same reason they put a lock in the cockpit... safety.

Curly turns back to looking at the nighttime window screen as I wrap my arms around my waist.

We sit in silence, and I can't help but hear the echo of his words inside my head. Curly is my friend, and has been so since I started working here. I really tried to make friends with everyone...

Everyone.

I just wanted to help people. I wanted to achieve my dreams, make a lot of friends and do my best to make the world just a little bit better.

Was my innocence really what condemned me? Am I really to blame for trying to stay soft in a world so cruel?

-Anya, are you alright? You seem lost in thought -Curly asks, still facing the screen.

Startled at first, it takes me a moment to react. Words have been hard lately, and it feels like I'm watching every moment pass by from somewhere within me.

I'm so sorry, some days are just a little harder.

-I was thinking... You'll probably think this is silly. When I first got accepted into Pony Express, I was kind of afraid of taking the job, you know? 

-Our brave nurse? Afraid? That's unheard of, now I'm intrigued -he replied, fondly, trying to make me giggle like we used to.

Oh Curly, if only you knew how afraid I've been.

-Yeah... the anxiety of being away from home for such a long time was taking a toll on me. And here comes the silly part, to calm myself down, I started to think of our hauls as a very long sleepover! Can you believe it? I loved sleepovers as a kid, and that image... helped.

-Honestly, you're so full of surprises, Anya. I don't think it's silly, not at all. I'd say, in a way, it suits you. -Curly smiles at me with sincerity. 

I'm not any more grown than seven year old me, dressed in her little lab coat she refused to take off, going to her best friend's house to play games and eat sweets under a blanket fort.

-Thank you... for keeping me company tonight -I tell him, staring into my hands to try and get a grasp of reality.

-Oh, don't sweat it. You know I just toss and turn around in bed regardless, you're the one entertaining me with your sleepover stories.

-I really hope you never change, Anya.

But is that really my choice?

I give him a tired smile. I don't think I have the strenght to talk much more tonight, I'm so sorry.

After that, Curly gets up and heads towards the door, which makes my stomach sink a bit.

-Curly, will you keep looking for it? -I ask, almost pleading.

-Oh? Sorry, what do you mean?

-The dead pixel, in the corner of the screen.

-Anything for you, Anya. Try showing it to me again tomorrow, alright?

I'm so sorry, Captain.

-Maybe then, I'll see it.

He's gone. The world goes on, and I stay still; bracing myself, small, hiding in plain sight.

After Curly's absence, the artificial moon in front of me keeps me company. It stands alone, and even if it's surrounded by darkness, it becomes a source of light and comfort to many once the sun sets.

It makes me feel less alone.

Holding a pair of scissors in my hands, I try to fall asleep thinking of happy thoughts.

After losing so much, I can't lose myself too.

Chapter Text

The sofa from the lounge is safe.

It's cheap, harsh and uncomfortable, but it's the safest place in the Tulpar when the lights go off.

I sit with my legs tightly pressed together and my arms around my stomach. It's become a comfort lately.

It hurts when I sit down.

It hurts when I lay down.

It hurts when I shower and I clean up and-

He walks in.

No, no.

No no no no no no no.

Please.

He stands near the table, beside the opposite end of the sofa.

My mind is racing and white noise and I press my nails against the palms of my hands as I wrap my arms tighter around my stomach.

I can't recognize the figure beside me, but I think he's looking at me.

Not directly, from the side. Uninterested. Over the shoulder.

I don't dare to look, but it's not like I'll be able to see him regardless. His face is a contorted, grotesque blur buried in the very back of my mind, almost more painful than the memories.

I want to go home. I want to curl up in my childhood bed with my cat. I want my mom to wake me up in the middle of a sunny summer day and tell me that it was all a bad dream.

I want it to stop. I want him to sto-

I stare blankly into the ground as my vision becomes blurry and my heart threathens to break out of my chest.

I breathe in, gasping, quick and shallow.

-Why did you do it?

My voice comes out in a whisper. Quiet.

Terrified.

-[...] ?

The figure seems to mutter something in my direction that sounds like a question. 

The truth is, ever since [...]-

Ever since then, I haven't been able to really hear him.

But that doesn't matter, because I know his answer won't make me feel any better.

I want to go home.

But I try again regardless. 

-Why did you do it?

My voice cracks as I hold back a sob. The white noise gets louder, and the wet sensation of tears running down my cheeks and nails scratching the palms of my hands keep me somewhat grounded.

-[...]

This time, he answers. But his voice is no more than a distorted frequence reverberating inside of my head. His words are cruel and distant and shallow and my hands shake and frantically grab and I flinch and become smaller.

I need to go home. 

He puts a hand on my shoulder as my entire body stiffens, mockingly spitting something about "keeping it together". Not enough care to fake comfort or diplomacy, but not enough to sound pleased with the effect his twisted words have on me either.

Just detached.

Indifferent.

He finally lifts his hand and leaves. It burns and I hold my tummy and my mouth with my hands to soothe the incoming need to throw up.

I end up falling asleep on the couch out of exhaustion, still curled up just like when I was a little girl.

And I can still feel it.

Chapter Text

I can't keep quiet any longer. I'm so sorry, Curly.

Like every night since [...], I sit in the lounge as soon as the lights go off. And just like most nights, Curly joins me.

But tonight will be different.

I play with my hands in a futile attempt to soothe myself as I wait for Curly to arrive. He doesn't take long, and before I can finish mentally rehearsing what I'm about to say, he's sitting beside me.

He notices me spacing out, and he gently places his hand just above my knee in a comforting manner. 

He's too close.

-Long day, huh? -He asks, completely oblivious.

I do my best to hold back tears as I notice he's started to move his hand slightly up and down my thigh in soothing motions.

No, no, no, it's just Curly.

It's okay, I'm okay, I'm in the lounge.

It's just Curly.

Please, get your hands off me-

-Anya, are you alright? -He calls my name and snaps me out of my trance.

I jump in my seat a little, and as soon as he sees the tears pooling in my eyes, he removes his hand off my body like it's on fire.

-Yeah, sorry, I was just thinking about... some stuff that happened. -I reply, forcing myself to make eye contact.

No turning back now.

Curly is my friend, I can do this. It will all be okay.

It will all be over.

-Some stuff? -Curly asks, temptatively.

-Actually, I was meaning to- I wanted to- I need to tell you something. 

-Anya, is everything okay? I'm all ears. Whatever is bothering you, we'll figure out together, okay? You always help me, and now it's my turn to help you.

Curly gives me a reassuring smile, and I cling onto that hope like a lifeline. And for the first time in what feels like forever, I feel like my voice can't be silenced.

-So, you remember how I've always told you I had a... bad feeling- about Jimmy? -I try not to visibly gag when his name leaves my mouth.

Curly nods, and I take a deep, shaky breath before I continue.

-Well, at first, it was just weird comments. And stares, lots of them; every inch of my body. Then the comments got worse. Innuendoes turned into propositions, and teasing turned into plans. Begging. Threats. Next, he started to get... physical. Long and suffocating hugs, pressing me against him so he could feel up every last bit of me.

Curly gently places his hand on my back, and I realize I haven't been breathing.

His touch triggers something in me; something that has been begging me to let it out for so long.

-One time, he... he kissed me, in medical. It was sudden and sticky and made me want to vomit. And then, things got... uglier.

My voice breaks and I start to sob.

-It was nighttime, I don't know how late. I saw the door open, and then a figure standing idly by the doorframe. And then-

I can't breathe and my vision is a messy blur of what minutes ago was the nighttime window screen.

-Anya, and then what happened? -Curly grabs me by the shoulders, concern audible in his voice. I can't hide my reaction to his touch.

I can't stand it.

I want to ask him to let go. But I already know that when you're trapped in space, where no one can hear you scream, the word "stop" has lost all it's meaning.

-He raped me, Curly. Not once, not twice. I don't think I know how many times it has happened. And I can't take it anymore, please-

I sob and my throat feels like it's trying to suffocate me. It's the first time I say these words out loud.

I was raped.

At the sound of my words, Curly lets go of me, carefully, the way you would handle an old, worn out porcelain doll.

I hate it.

-Anya... Fuck, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry you've been feeling this way on your own.

It's over. It's finally over. Curly will help me and-

-Is there any way this could be all a misunderstanding? As your friend, I know you would never consciously lie about something like this. But, as your Captain, rape is a very strong word. If I were to report to headquarters, this would have very serious consequences, and irreversible impact on Jimmy's reputation and life. No turning back. Do you understand what I'm saying, Anya?

And, just like that, my lifeline is shattered before my eyes.

No, no, no, no, please, Curly, you have to believe me. 

Please-

-Is there anything I can do for you? Even if this is a misunderstanding, I can see you're very stressed, and I want to help you. We all are, really, I'm sure Jimmy is struggling too. And I know he can be... touchy. But together, we will figure something out, the three of us, alright? Just... give me some time before we jump to the worst conclusion, please.

I stare at the ground, but all I can see is the dead pixel in the back of my mind. Everything is dark and sticky and gross, and Orion Curly is no longer my friend.

-Thank you so much for sharing this with me, Anya. I'll... leave you to it, okay? We can talk in the morning. Everything will be okay. -Curly tells me, and I don't know if he's trying to reassure me or himself.

And just like that, it's over.

Curly is gone, and no one can hear me scream. Or perhaps, no one cares.

I fall asleep on the couch holding a small knife from the kitchen, hoping if I wish hard enough I'll wake up from this bad dream.

But at this point, I know better than to beg for mercy.

Chapter Text

The change of color of the window screen slowly wakes me up, painting the lounge a warm orange. I'm still laying down, little knife in my hands; a cruel reminder that I'm not dreaming.

I hold myself for a bit longer, remembering those times where my biggest problem when I woke up would be whether or not any of my plushies had accidentally fallen off my bed while I was asleep.

I wish I could hold my stuffies right now.

Instead, I brace myself, pressing my hands hard against my belly. Maybe if I press hard enough I can-

I know it's useless.

When I was a little girl, my mom always told me that I could always trust her if I ever found myself in a situation like this. But she's not here, and I'm not a little girl anymore.

Well, I am, but I'm not her precious, sweet, innocent child anymore. Will she still want to hug me if I make it back?

The sound of footsteps through the corridor snaps me out of my thoughts, and I have to take a deep breath and pretend to be all grown up again.

I stare at the space between my legs, feeling far away. Next thing I know, the Captain is sitting next to me, leaving a comfortable, or rather, cold distance between us.

-Anya, have you been here all night? -He asks, concern audible in his voice.

My voice comes out in a soft whisper, a stutter, and each word makes me feel like my throat is begging me to stop.

Am I responding to him out loud or in my head? I don't even know anymore.

-Anya, look... I've been thinking about this, alright? As soon as [...] wakes up, we can go sort this out - 

He keeps talking, going on and on about how we can fix this. How we can take responsibility for what happened. But I can't hear him anymore.

I can't hear anything through the flashes of my broken memory of what he did to me.

I can't stand the noise.

The Captain is not going to help me, and this body that is no longer mine keeps betraying me as my mind goes through it over and over again.

-I'm pregnant.

Is all I manage to say before he walks in and my world gets blurry and my hands shake as I frantically hold myself together even if I can barely handle my own touch.

I can't breathe and I can feel my heartbeat reverberating inside my head.

But I know trying to stop him will only make him more viole-

-

After what feels like days and seconds at the same time, I'm all alone in the lounge again. I know they talked. I don't know for how long, or what they said about me. I can't really remember, but I know it wasn't good.

Does that make me a liar?

Sobbing softly, I brace my tummy again, thinking about everything I'll never be. The little girl playing house, the bubbly teenager who giggled at the thought of holding hands, and the woman who was determined to dedicate her life to helping others.

The little girl that had to put on warm clothes when male relatives came over, the naive teenager that didn't understand why she couldn't go out alone at night, and the woman who finally understood.

It's bittersweet, really. Everything I ever dreamt of, everything I ever was, to come to an end so abruptly. I think I have finally lost myself too.

I wish I could hug all my friends one more time.

But it's okay, really. Or at least, it will be. Just as he said, I'll take care of it.

Chapter Text

I don't know how many days have passed. I get up every day, and I do my best to be there for everyone. And I try to be there, I try so hard! but I'm not.

My brain is filled with white noise, as if I had a broken TV on my head that constantly short circuits. There's only one channel, and it plays the same sequence of images on repeat.

Again, again, and again.

And I realize I don't want to be in this body that isn't even mine anymore. "It's okay, Anya", I tell myself. I tell myself I will do it on my own terms. Because, if I don't take care of it, he will.

If I even manage to survive this all, to survive him and his hungry, predatory hands during the dark, cold nights-

Please, baby, don't think about it right now.

The parasite growing inside me will inevitably kill me.

And if it doesn't, if I carry it to term, he will.

Why am I even thinking about this? I'm just a kid, I can't be a mom.

I'm just a kid who needs her mom.

-

The lock of the medical room closes with a metallic sound that soothes me like the hugs I can't even take right now. 

I'm so sorry, Curly. I knew you wanted to help, I knew you had good intentions. I want to think you believed me, because I feel too bad doubting you. I may not be able to trust you anymore, but that doesn't matter right now. Thank you for your friendship, I promise I'll only take the good bits with me.

-

Four bottles of paracetamol and a bottle of mouthwash lined in front of me. Maybe this will finally wash me away clean.

I'm so sorry, Swansea. I wish I could've helped you more. I know you shoulder so much on your own, and even if you don't like to show it, you have always cared so much for those around you. Thank you so much for seeing me. For seeing him for what he truly is. Play games with Daisuke for me, alright?

-

One bottle down.

I'm so sorry, Daisuke. Thank you so much for being such a ray of sunshine. Please, don't let this cruel world dull your spark. I may not be here anymore to sneakily eat a pack of sweetener with you and then tend to your tummy ache, or lightheartedly gossip about the other crew members. But I promise I'll be watching from afar, I'll watch you become whoever you want, and I'll be so proud of you, alright? I'm sorry I never got to play that one last game with you.

-

Two bottles down.

-Anya is stuck in Medical! The door won’t open! What if she runs out of... something?!

...

-Hey. Anya! Can you hear me?

-...Yeah, I can hear you, Jimmy.

Once I'm gone, what's going to happen to my body? Will he do somethi-

-The rest of our medicine stash is in there too. Damn. This could be bad. Did you try to really put your back into it?

...

-...Anya, is the door stuck?

Get my name out of your filthy mouth.

Please stop please stop please stop please stop please stop please stop please stop please stop please stop please stop please stop please stop please stop please stop please stop please stop please stop STOP STOP STO-

-...No.

-Look. We’re all stressed. But you can’t go breaking down at every little hardship. Open the damn door.

...

You really never change, huh?

Don't worry, this will make me very quiet. Just the way you like it.

-

Three bottles down.

-...You were right. You were right all along. I should have done this from the beginning. I always believed that our worst moments didn’t define us. Didn’t make us beyond repair. You think I wanted this either? Make no mistake. This isn’t my worst moment. Far from it.

-It’s the best decision I’ll ever make.

-

Final bottle down.