Work Text:
They were finally at the end of their journey. The goal, the end, literally within sight. Or at least, it had been when he was sitting at the top of the hill at the north side of town earlier. He had been contemplating the twisted, darkened silhouette of Dormont's House of Change, and what might be lying in wait for them there. It wasn't literal anymore though-- the view of the Favor Tree was a decidedly less dread-inducing location and he would be up close and personal with the House soon enough.
Tomorrow morning... so many things had happened over the past few months. To know the end was right there was surreal. For better or worse, it would all be over tomorrow.
Over.
It was easy to spiral if he let himself get caught up in all the ways he could fail or fall short tomorrow-- for things to start to feel hopeless because they were so large and important. It was easier to stay grounded when he focused on his friends. Mirabelle... Odile... Siffrin. They were all strong, all very capable. Talented-- but the sort of talent that was born when innate skill met with practice and hard work. He had to believe they would prevail over this in the end. That the people he had seen all over the country would be freed tomorrow-- their statuesque, lifeless stillness lifted
Isabeau felt like the outlier here. Here not because he was needed or could really help with what came next, but because he was the only Defender who had pushed past their fear.
It was hard to quiet the voice that had lived in his head his whole life. The one that told him he wasn't good enough, that he needed to change, needed to become the sort of person that he wouldn't be ashamed of being. That there wasn't a part of who he was initially that was worth keeping. He had changed. Big Changes and little Changes. But it never seemed to be enough to quiet that voice. Would anything ever manage to make it stop talking?
The former Defender shook his head, trying to dislodge the unhelpful thoughts. He had plenty of uses in this group-- even if he was functionally limited in their combat against against Sadnesses. He had his strengths-- could cover in areas where his friends lacked. Even if he couldn't name those specific areas right now if you had held a blade to his neck right this second. He could only do his best, and try and help with whatever was thrown their way-- today and tomorrow. And after…
Ah.
With the end of their journey looming, his time with them was coming to an abrupt end. It was strange to try and imagine what his life would be like without them all beside him. Mirabelle would stay here-- helping out with everything that would need to happen when time began to flow for the people the King had trapped. Odile had mentioned going back to Ka Bue... She had already been traveling the Vaugardian countryside for a few years, it only made sense that she'd be done and ready to go home. Bonnie would need to be accompanied back to Bambouche of course, to reunite with their sister-- and then they'd stay there, and finish growing up, with a lot less worries than they'd had for nearly the last year. And Siffrin—
He actually wasn't sure what Siffrin would do or where they would go.
That was probably why he felt like he was spiraling today. Because even a happy ending to tomorrow felt sad. Everyone would go their separate ways-- and he had no idea what he would do. There were so many things he wanted, so many things he wanted to wish for, it felt impossible to pick just one. It also felt hard to think about the future.
It felt unlucky. Like tempting fate to take away.
It was easier to think about the past few months. To think about Siffrin, in all honesty.
Isabeau's heart felt like a rabbit running a marathon, paired with a whirlwind in his stomach. Siff... He hadn't had a crush on someone in some time. He hadn't really had the time, with Changing, and with preparing to become a Defender. Life had been too busy to really indulge in more romance than the kind he could find in a well crafted book.
No-- it wasn't that he hadn't had a crush in years. It was probably more accurate to say that all of his crushes were fleeting and fickle. He'd been pressed into closer quarters with others by special circumstances for far long, and crushes had sprung up, naturally and freely. But they would fizzle out after a few weeks-- maybe a month or two if he was lucky.
So, he hadn't been exactly surprised that he'd tumbled head over heels into a crush on Siffrin when they first met. The way the shorter adventurer had swooped in and dispatched the Sadness had been... so fluid and graceful. He had been grateful that he had just managed to spot the rogue right as they had launched themself into the fray-- it had felt like if he missed that crucial moment he wouldn't have been able to follow anything at all.
The Sadness had been three times as tall as the others they had faced. An unlucky strike had injured Mirabelle's wrist right after she had just used her own ability to heal him so they had been trying to flee-- to regroup and give Mirabelle a moment to heal her injuries before they tried again. But luck hadn't been on their side at all during that fight, and Mirabelle twisted her ankle in the attempt, and Isabeau had thrown himself in front of the rapidly descending attack.
Luck had forsaken them that whole fight-- if not that whole afternoon, but maybe it was saving it all for the moment it mattered most. The moment a darkless cloak darted across his vision, the glint of metal catching light as the stranger's blades struck the inner elbow of the Sadness, causing its outstretched hand to falter and curl back in on itself and away from Mirabelle! That was followed by a series of quick cuts to their enemies neck and upper body, the blow back of each attack forcing the hulking behemoth to stumble back even further, step for step, until the creature was flat on the ground, motionless at last..
Then Siffrin had turned around, eyes trailing the three of them for life threatening injuries. Isabeau could see the moment that this stranger-- Siffrin-- had seen they were relatively unscathed, as their cloaked shoulders loosened, drooped and visibly relaxed.
Well. He'd fallen face first into crushes for far sillier reasons, with substantially less impressive feats of athleticism to blame.
-- a confident little smirk flashing across their face before it was paired with a cutesy wink and the most pleased, "I hope you don't mind that I CUT in." The graceful twirl of their dagger leaving the blade free from the ichor of the Sadness.
Isabeau had laughed, full of adrenaline and an absolutely ridiculous amount of butterflies in his chest. Head over heels for a pretty face, a quick wit, and a sharp knife drawn in the defense of others. To be his own advocate, there were many worse things to fall for.
And so Siffrin had joined their party-- assisting Mirabelle in finding the second and third orbs in short order. Isabeau had thought his crush might fade as quickly as it flared to life-- though he had entertained the idea that it might last longer, if only to give him something completely normal and less life or death to focus on while they continued on their journey to help rescue all of Vaugarde.
Far from fade, -- the crush seemed to have a mind of its own, delighting in walloping him in the stomach every time he noticed another habit, another idiosyncrasy, another small detail that he'd spot and be unable to stop thinking about when he was laying in his bedroll or in an inn's cramped bed when he really should have been trying to sleep.
Because... Siffrin wasn't just pretty and smart-- he wasn't just capable in a battle. They were kind. They were sweet. They were a great listener and truly terrible at putting together advice-- though everything said was earnestly offered with good intentions. They were always grabbing a quick daytime nap whenever their travels allowed for the indulgence-- waking up with their hair rumpled and their face slack with relaxation. They would get easily distracted by the sky at night, staring off into the distance with an expression that reminded Isabeau of a child looking at a book of their favorite bed time story. They never missed an opportunity for a cheeky pun that sent the other three into a spiral of denial and set Isabeau to laughing at the wordplay.
Deep in thought, he didn’t notice that Siffrin was in the clearing until they were almost in front of him. He looked up, startled but happy– even if he was silently willing away the heat bringing darkness to his cheeks at feeling like he’d been ‘caught’ daydreaming about them.
"Isa."
Isabeau gently smothered a frown at Siffrin’s flat tone. His friend looked tired, drawn– hadn’t they just been napping? They didn’t look like they had slept a wink.
"Sif. Woke up on the wrong side of the bed? I get it."
The question didn’t elicit so much as a nod in acknowledgment– the awkwardness and his previous musings left him flatfooted, feeling transparent. Desperately, he grasped for some lighter topic.
"Anyway, I was just looking at the Favor Tree! Isn't this tree cool???"
"Yeah it is..."
"Glad you agree!" So relieved at the slow trickle back to normalcy, he hadn’t actually decided what to say about the Favor Tree to keep the conversation rolling— thankfully, it appeared he didn’t need to as Siffrin continued.
"One could say it's a pretty..."
"Uh huh???" Over the course of their travels, he had developed a sixth sense for when Siffrin was about to make a pun– and those senses were tingling.
"... TREE-mendous tree."
"Hahaha! Yeah! Yeah-- yes!" Siffrin’s jokes always brightened his mood-- though it was still clear that something was weighing heavily on his friend, their joke about the tree sounding a little flat to Isabeau's concerned ears-- though it was still very funny.
Without thinking, Isabeau's hand rose-- about to fall on Siffrins' shoulder in a friendly clasp as he chuckled, but he caught himself in time and he quickly returned his hand to his side, his laughter trailing off gently to ease the way his body felt awkward at the strange aborted motion.
No sooner had his hand fallen to his side that suddenly Siffrin was pressed against his front, both of their hands fisted tightly in Isabeau's shirt, standing on tip toes and yanking down so their faces were able to meet somewhere in the middle.
He had thought the day he could kiss Siffrin would be magical-- amazing, would make him feel like he could knock down an army of Sadnesses and fly through the sky straight to Siffrin's stars.
And Siffrin had grabbed him by the shirt-- making the first move when he was too much of a coward to do so. It was everything he wanted.
But it wasn't.
Something was wrong.
Terribly, terribly wrong.
He had been worried about Siffrin the moment his friend had arrived in front of him. Despite the puns and the jokes, there was an exhaustion that their most enigmatic member couldn't shake. A weight on their shoulders. A shadow on their face. Some unspeakable sadness in their eyes.
People always assumed he was an idiot. But he wasn't-- he was still sharp, no matter how goofy he had to be in order to live the life that he had needed as a child.
He could see something was wrong with Siffrin. He had spent months watching him, growing more fond of every piece of him, falling for him-- yearning to get closer, to learn more-- and right now... Right now, Siffrin wasn't himself.
Their motions were stiff and uncomfortable, erratic and desperate. They didn't feel like someone taking a leap to grasp at something they wanted. They felt cornered.
Like trying to meet an expectation they couldn't escape.
Had he been so obvious in his feelings that Siffrin had seen? And if so-- what had he done to make Siffrin feel like he had to reciprocate? To throw themself at something they didn't want?
The kiss hurt worse than outright rejection. Rejection would only hurt him in the long run. This kiss was hurting Siffrin too.
But still. He couldn't push him back right away-- because no matter how he Changed, he'd always be a person he was ashamed of being. Someone who was greedy-- this was his and Siffrin's first kiss. Siffrin was miserable, trapped and unhappy. It was their first. It would also be their last-- that much was clear. He would always be a coward, the sort of person who let an unwanted kiss linger because it was the closest he'd get to what he wanted from the person he was falling in love with.
If he were a good person, he would have been able to stop it before it happened. But he wasn't. He never would be as long as he lived, no matter how many times he became someone new.
It would take an extra few moments for him to summon the will to push Siffrin back. He held himself in contempt for taking advantage. He hadn't thought Siffrin had even noticed his growing affection, let alone noticed so much that he'd feel like he had to reciprocate against his will.
Maybe he truly was the idiot everyone thought he was.
It only took a few moments-- a few awful moments where Isabeau lingered in the rotten remains of what had been one of his most frequent giddy daydreams, but finally he mustered up the will to push Siffrin back. Away from him, away from this edge he felt he had to crowd up against and leap off despite how clearly he didn't want that.
He was now able to take in his friend’s horrified, stricken, tormented look-- an expression that would haunt him till he died since he was the one who put it there.
He opened his mouth-- one hand hovering out towards Siffrin's shoulder though he couldn't bring himself to touch the his friend-- again he couldn't-- he never could could he--,
✧ ✧ ✧
Deep in thought, he didn’t notice that Siffrin was in the clearing until they were almost in front of him. He looked up, startled but happy– even if he was silently willing away the heat bringing darkness to his cheeks at feeling like he’d been ‘caught’ daydreaming about them.
Seeing Siffrin always brightened his mood-- though it was clear just now that something was weighing heavily on his friend. When he looked up-- Siffrin's face was hidden in the shadows of their hat, completely motionless in front of him.
"Hi Isa, I need to do the Favor Tree thing."
"Oh! Sorry, I'm in your way then, aren't I? I'll get out of your hair, see you at the Clocktower!"