Chapter Text
the smell of the hospital is always the smell that makes people feel the most helpless and frightened. it is a harmonious blend of medical alcohol, antiseptic, and something dry, cold to the point of being spine-chilling that no one can quite explain. han taesan never liked this scent, to be more precise, he hated it bitterly, but today he had to breathe it deep into his chest to keep himself awake before something untoward happened.
sitting on the row of freezing cold iron chairs in the hallway, leehan looked smaller than ever, like a little baby rabbit lost from the herd, bewildered and scared by the scene around him. he interlaced his hands, fingernails digging tight into the white flesh of his fingers, eyes staring intently at the gaps on the soulless white tiled floor. taesan sat next to him, he didn't say anything, just silently held the trembling hand of the smaller one as a silent reassurance, enveloping that fragility in his warm palm.
"patient kim donghyun, please enter room 302."
the dry announcement from the loudspeaker rang out. leehan startled awake from his stream of thoughts, his grip on taesan's hand instinctively tightening suddenly. taesan stood up, supporting him to walk in, his lips still trying to form a faint smile.
"be good, i'm here with you."
throughout the examination process, taesan stayed by leehan's side without leaving for a second, his hand still holding tight to the smaller hand of the other like a silent lifebuoy. in the simply furnished hospital room, the old doctor wearing gold-rimmed glasses looked at the stack of mri scans and test results on the table, then looked up at the two very young men sitting opposite. he sighed, a sigh carrying the weight of regret.
"early-onset alzheimer's."
those three words fell into the room like thousand-pound rocks, suddenly making taesan go dead silent. he felt his ears ringing. he still heard the doctor explaining about protein plaques, about the atrophy of the brain, about how rare this case was at the age of twenty-one, but it all seemed like distorted sounds transmitted from another planet, rumbling and drifting in his hearing like aimless, soulless fragments that didn't know where they were going.
"he... he is only twenty-one years old," - taesan heard his own voice ring out, hoarse and trembling - "is the doctor mistaken? he's just a little forgetful? how can such a young person possibly..."
the doctor looked at him with sympathetic eyes; more than anyone, he understood the shock and disbelief of the two young men in front of him.
"i am very sorry. the genetic test results and imaging do not lie. currently, the disease is progressing quite fast. we can only use medication to slow down this process, but we cannot..."
he didn't finish the sentence, but everyone understood. cannot cure. cannot turn back. cannot have any other way.
leehan remained silent from the moment he entered the room until hearing the examination results. he didn't cry, didn't scream, nor did he ask questions. he just sat there, staring at an indefinite point on the doctor's desk. that silence of leehan hurt taesan ten thousand times more than any crying sound, his hand unintentionally squeezing the other's hand tighter.
they left the hospital when the afternoon had begun to wane. the burnt orange sunset stretched across the streets, heartbreakingly beautiful, yet so overly ironic for the two of them. the sunlight was beautiful, but it wasn't meant for him. they didn't return to the dormitory immediately but walked to a small park by the han river. leehan sat down on a wooden bench, watching the ripples sparkling under the fading sun. something deep in his eyes fluctuated slightly, but taesan wasn't sure. he just silently sat down with him, looking painfully at the beautiful, peaceful face beside him.
"taesan," - leehan suddenly spoke up, for the first time since knowing the medical results, his voice clear but carrying something very distant.
"i'm here."
taesan replied softly, he carefully pulled the soft head of the other to lean on his shoulder, listening to the steady beat from the heart of the person beside him. leehan didn't resist, letting himself be weak and lean on taesan, his soft golden hair gently rubbing against taesan's neck, ticklish. he let out a sigh of relief, tiptoeing bit by bit to snuggle deeper into the other's body, his gentle voice continuing to ring out.
"do you remember the first time we met?"
taesan smiled slightly, a bitter smile, fragments of memory began to return in their correct order, painting a picture in taesan's head that he had never forgotten.
"i remember. that day it rained very hard, you stood at the lecture hall lobby, intending to take out a notebook to cover your head to run into class. i walked over and gave you my umbrella, even though after that i had to run to class with a soaking wet head."
how could taesan forget, because before that fateful moment of meeting, he had fallen in love with him at first sight, from the moment the other didn't know who he was, from the moment he accidentally let his soul fall into that soft smile, into those beautiful large round eyes that seemed to contain the whole galaxy on the day he accidentally saw him at the library. how could taesan forget the times he skipped basketball practice just to secretly watch him from behind under the golden sunlight from the glass window of the dorm's common room, the classes with piles of dry knowledge he couldn't absorb into his head but volunteered to sit through until the very end just to steal a look at him for a second, the lunch dates that were hasty but made him dispel all the fatigue of long days... everything appeared clearly in taesan's memory, like a peaceful film with infinite storage time. hearing the person beside him recount all those random things, leehan smiled slightly, his eyes narrowing into a beautiful crescent shape.
"oh right... turns out you gave the umbrella to me. i kept remembering that i picked it up somewhere."
taesan's smile extinguished instantly. just yesterday, leehan still remembered that detail very clearly, yet now, those fragments of memory had started to crack. soon, it would gradually shatter, just like the way taesan's heart was being strangled day by day in endless suffering.
"taesan," - leehan turned to look at him, his face under the sunset light was so beautiful that taesan felt his heart twinge slightly - "i don't want to become a burden. you heard what the doctor said. i will forget everything. i will forget your name, forget your face, forget even how much i like you. you... you shouldn't stay by my side anymore. let's just pretend we never..."
"what did you just say?" - taesan interrupted, his voice suddenly becoming unusually firm, leehan said a lot, but all that entered his ears were just a few sole words - "you just said you like me?"
leehan froze, realizing he had just slipped up in a moment of despair. he lowered his head, intending to avoid it, but taesan reached out, boldly lifting his chin, forcing him to face him.
"leehan, look at me."
taesan's gaze was so deep and sincere that leehan couldn't run away.
"i have secretly liked you since the day i gave you the umbrella at the lecture hall in freshman year, actually even before that, since the time you didn't even know who i was. i stood in the back row just to watch your back for two whole years. i learned how to do everything, remember everything just to be able to be a little closer to you."
taesan took a deep breath, tears finally overflowing, rolling down his cheeks, but he had no mind to care about his appearance right now.
"i don't care if later on you forget who i am. i don't care if tomorrow you still remember my name. as long as i still remember you, i will tell you about us every day. i will love you all over again every morning when you wake up. i don't need you to shoulder anything. that burden, let me carry it."
taesan took a deep breath, finalizing a decisive sentence.
"leehan, will you be my boyfriend?"
leehan stared blankly at taesan, as if he still didn't believe his ears. he didn't expect that in the darkest moment of his life, there would be someone willing to hold his hand to overcome everything together, willing to light up a fire so warm and gentle. unable to hold back his feelings anymore, he burst into tears, choking sobs shattering in the space. leehan rushed into taesan's arms, hugging him tightly as if wanting to merge into one.
"taesan... i'm so scared... i'm really very scared..."
"don't be scared. i'm here. i will be your memory. i will be your home."
under the brilliant sunset sky of seoul, amidst the noise of vehicles and the bustling flow of people, there were two young men hugging each other tightly, exchanging words of love on the day their world had just collapsed, exchanging vows to protect each other forever amidst the difficulties of life. they didn't care what tomorrow would be like anymore, as long as they still had each other.
that evening, at the familiar hotpot restaurant, a somber atmosphere covered the whole group. jaehyun, sungho, riwoo, and woonhak all knew the news. jaehyun sat silently pouring water into everyone's cups, no longer making the usual humorous jokes. riwoo kept staring at his phone, essentially to hide his red eyes. woonhak - the kid who usually smiled the most - now kept his face lowered, shoulders trembling.
"leehan-hyung..." - he looked up, voice tearful, cheeks drooping like two water-soaked dumplings - "i will come to play with you every day. i will bring lots of delicious food for you. don't you forget me, okay!"
leehan smiled, even though his eyes were still a bit swollen. he rubbed the head of the sniffing kid, the other hand reaching up to pinch his cheek painfully.
"i know, our woonhak is so clingy like this, how can i forget."
sungho placed his hand on taesan's shoulder, squeezing tight as a promise of companionship. ever since getting to know these friends, he had always been a solid support for everyone no matter what happened.
"we are all here. whenever you are tired, or leehan needs anything, just call. we are a family."
taesan silently nodded. he looked around the dining table, looked at his close brothers, then looked at leehan sitting beside him. he knew, the warm sunny days were about to pass, and a long, lingering winter was waiting ahead. but this time, he was no longer walking alone. the firm hand grip squeezed lightly again, holding onto the warmth for the hand smaller than his. leehan looked down at the two hands interlaced and then looked at taesan, his eyes unable to hide the emotion. he didn't speak, but taesan could guess part of it through his look.
"taesan, i love you."
that night, when taking leehan back to his room, taesan took out the moss-green notebook he had placed on the table the day before. he held a pen, writing another line on the second page: day... month... year... today, leehan officially became my lover. even if he forgets this moment, i will still engrave it in my heart. the unspoken love, today has become words.
leehan followed the tip of taesan's pen, gently leaning his head on his shoulder. he took another colored pencil, drawing a tiny heart right next to taesan's handwriting.
"i will try to remember for a long, long time," - leehan whispered - "remember that there is a han dongmin who loves me this much."
outside the window, the summer flower petals began to fall, giving way to the chilly night winds. the war with oblivion had officially begun, but their love had also managed to bloom right amidst the ruins of destiny.