Archive of Our Own ^beta

university lecture halls in the late days of spring always carry a gentle, serene atmosphere and a very distinct scent. it is the smell of new pages of paper, the deep aroma of coffee radiating from paper cups hastily placed on desks, and even the smell of sunlight weaving through the gaps of leaves fallen all over the balcony. taesan, as usual, chose a corner for himself, he gave a faint smile in response to the enthusiastic greetings of his friends, the movement of pulling out a chair to sit down without needing to look, as practiced as a habit. taesan liked sitting in the back rows, a position that very few people would choose for a large lecture hall because of its disadvantage in accessing knowledge, not necessarily because he was lazy to listen to lectures, but because from this angle, he could capture his whole world into his sight, watching his world brighten up amidst the surrounding scenery.

taesan's world was very small, wrapped neatly within the silhouette of one person.

leehan sat three rows away from him, right under a long streak of sunlight slanting through the window. his hair was even more golden than the color of the sun, sparkling as if sprinkled with countless diamond lights, carrying a soft sensation like clouds and often being tousled into a mess by its owner whenever he encountered a difficult math problem. under the sweet sunlight of the early morning, he flashed a beautiful smile, melting in the warmth filled with the scent of sugar candy of the spring weather, suddenly making taesan's heart beat erratically. spring was leehan's season, he was the type of person who always radiated an energy that made people want to get closer - gentle, warm, and sometimes a bit strangely innocent.

more than half of the first year of university had passed, and it had also been six months since the day taesan knew he had accidentally left his heart behind in the kingdom ruled by the smiling eyes of that same-aged friend.

"hey, if you look any longer, you’ll poke a hole in his back."

a low voice rang out beside him, carrying a clear sense of teasing. taesan didn't need to turn his head to know it was jaehyun - a senior one year older than him, and also the self-proclaimed "cupid" and professional disturber. jaehyun seemed to have just stopped by the canteen after finishing his previous class, he pressed a freezing cold soda can against taesan's cheek, making him startle back slightly.

"stop it, hyung."

taesan mumbled embarrassedly, hurriedly withdrawing the gaze full of love placed on the other person, quickly and clumsily pinning a fake focus on the linear algebra textbook that he hadn't turned a single page of for the past thirty minutes.

"how can i stop? if you keep staying silent like this, by the time he graduates, you'll still just be the friend sitting in the back row." - jaehyun clicked his tongue, sitting down beside him, not forgetting to glance toward leehan who was absorbed in taking notes - "look there, sungho and riwoo are surrounding your target."

following jaehyun's gaze, taesan also looked up. it was true, sungho and riwoo - two other seniors in the group - were standing at the classroom door, waving to call leehan. hearing the call, he immediately looked up, a radiant smile blooming on his lips as he hurriedly packed up his books. leehan was truly so beautiful, the way his innocent, large round eyes like a baby rabbit's narrowed into two crescent moons whenever he laughed out loud, was always the thing that made taesan’s heart rhythm unconsciously skip a beat.

seeing his younger friend still looking longingly at the slender figure of the other, jaehyun could only sigh helplessly. he patted taesan's shoulder hard, pulling him out of his contemplation.

"let's go, the whole group is going for hotpot today. woonhak has been nagging for a while now."

the small hotpot restaurant located in an alley near woonhak’s high school was the base for the group of six. every time they appeared, the owners greeted them with radiant smiles and enthusiastic attitudes like family, the atmosphere was always noisy and bustling with endless jokes from the young men in their growing years.

"jaehyun-hyung, don't take my last piece of beef!"

woonhak - the youngest who was still in high school this year - screamed playfully while holding his chopsticks to "fight" fiercely with the oldest brother in the group. jaehyun quickly grabbed the piece of beef on the plate, quickly popped it into his mouth, chewing smugly to tease the youngest who had now turned into a soaked dumpling.

"who told you to be slow. in love and eating, the latecomer is the loser."

jaehyun winked suggestively, then accidentally or intentionally glanced toward taesan. he clearly knew what jaehyun meant, but he could only lower his head to eat, trying to ignore that meaningful look. right next to him, leehan was fumbling with a bowl of dipping sauce with various spices around. he seemed not to care much about the battle of the others, but was focusing intently on the drops of chili oil spreading out.

"taesan," - leehan called softly.
"yes?" - taesan replied immediately, so fast that he himself felt a bit embarrassed - "i'm listening?"
"i keep feeling like i forgot something... but i can't remember," - leehan frowned slightly, tapping his finger lightly on his temple - "i intended to buy something on the way here, but now my mind is completely empty."

taesan smiled, pushing the plate of clean vegetables toward the little rabbit, and conveniently picked up another piece of beef into his bowl.

"maybe it's because you've been studying too much. eat, don't think anymore. if it's important, you'll remember it in a bit."

leehan nodded, the smile returning to his lips, he obediently ate the piece of beef that taesan gave him with appetite.

"yeah, maybe because i'm so hungry my brain went on strike."

throughout that meal, taesan was, as always, the quietest person. he liked listening to sungho talk about his photography projects, hearing riwoo grumble about dance assignments, and hearing woonhak tell stories about mischief at high school. but more than anything, he liked quietly observing how leehan reacted to every story. leehan would laugh loudly at jaehyun’s jokes, would nod understandingly with riwoo, and would occasionally tilt his head to ask back about a detail he didn't hear clearly. everything was normal, so peaceful that taesan wished time could stop at this moment forever. he didn't need leehan to know his feelings right now, he only needed to be near him, to watch the beautiful smile like sunlight that made the cold ice in his heart melt day by day, within this warm circle of friendship was enough.

after dinner, the group split up to go home. because taesan and leehan’s dormitories were in the same direction, the two of them often walked together for a long stretch through the central park. the last lingering rays of the spring sunset had now completely faded, giving way to the pale yellow streetlights and the chilly air of the evening. the two walked side by side, their shadows stretching on the ground, sometimes merging then separating with the rhythm of their steps.

"taesan, do you think i've been forgetful lately?"

leehan suddenly asked while playfully kicking some small pebbles to make them roll down the road, his voice became much smaller, dissolving into the rustling sound of the wind in the trees. taesan paused slightly, he turned to look at leehan. under the streetlights, his face looked a bit tired, the usually sparkling eyes now carried a bit of melancholy that taesan had never seen before.

"a little bit. why? are you feeling unwell?"

taesan asked worriedly, his hand about to reach up to touch his forehead but then retracted, clutching the strap of his bag. leehan shook his head, smiling weakly at the worried appearance of the person opposite him.

"no, maybe it's because i'm not used to the pace of university yet. many times i stand in front of my room door and it takes a few seconds to remember what the passcode is. really silly, right?"
"don't scold yourself like that," - taesan said, his voice deep and warm, as if soothing leehan’s worries - "if you want, i can remind you. i have a pretty good memory."

leehan stopped, turning to face taesan, the sudden action made taesan startle and brake abruptly, almost bumping into him. he looked straight into taesan's eyes, a deep gaze that made taesan's heart beat wildly.

"really? you will remember for me?"
"yeah, i promise."

taesan smiled, this time the smile was gentler than ever. leehan also smiled brightly back, a smile as beautiful as he had always been. he stepped closer, patting taesan's shoulder.

"then that's great. with taesan here, i feel much more at ease."

those words from leehan were like a sweet medicine watering taesan's secret heart, for the first time he felt that he had done something useful for him. but at the same time, taesan didn't understand why those words carried a vague premonition that he couldn't name yet.

that night taesan couldn't sleep. he lay on his bed, tossing and turning, looking up at the dark ceiling while letting his mind wander back to leehan’s gentle smile as beautiful as the dawn. that image kept repeating in his thoughts, beautiful but also very sad, a lingering sadness that taesan couldn't understand. reaching for the nightstand, he took his phone, opened the notes app and wrote a short line: day... month... year..., today he said he needs me to help him remember. i will never forget anything about him.

at this moment taesan didn't know that this promise would become the compass for his whole life hereafter. he also didn't know that leehan’s small "forgetfulness" was not due to overstudying, nor was it the innocence of youth. those were the first cracks of a breaking iceberg, a storm quietly approaching to erase all the memories of the person he loved most. but also at this time, taesan was just a nineteen-year-old boy immersed in his first love. he closed his eyes, imagining a day when he would be brave enough to say "i like you" to leehan, and imagining a future where both would go through all these university years together.

outside, the wind still blew, and the late-season cherry blossom petals fell, whitening a corner of the street, like scattered pieces of memory waiting to be picked up and cherished. their first year had started and gradually passed like that - full of sun, full of silent love, and also the shattered omens that no one knew.

spring in seoul doesn't only have cherry blossoms, but also sudden drizzles, bringing a cold that is no longer biting but instead very gentle, making the air more humid and making those who are secretly in love like taesan feel their hearts soften a little.

after school, taesan stood under the eaves of the arts building, holding two umbrellas, one dark blue and one transparent, waiting for a familiar silhouette. according to the schedule that taesan had memorized even better than the vague theories about economics and finance that he had to study hundreds of times, leehan would finish his drawing class at five in the afternoon.

"hey, standing here like a statue?"

riwoo's clear voice rang out from behind, making taesan turn his head. he walked out with sungho, both carrying bags heavy with drawing tubes and palettes, a few fresh streaks of color still lingering on their arms and a bit on their hair. he politely bowed his head slightly to greet the two seniors, replying shortly, his eyes still not leaving the wooden door.

"i'm waiting for leehan."

sungho smiled, patting taesan on the shoulder.

"leehan is still cleaning up his colors. today he seems a bit slower than usual. earlier i saw him standing dazed looking at a blank canvas for ten minutes straight."
"is he tired?" - taesan frowned slightly.
"probably. lately there's been a lot of work, and leehan is a perfectionist," - riwoo shrugged - "we're heading out first, jaehyun and woonhak are waiting at the internet cafe. remember to take the princess home safely."

the two seniors left, leaving taesan with wandering and messy thoughts. he unconsciously looked down at the transparent umbrella in his hand, suddenly flashing a gentle smile. leehan liked watching the rain fall, he said the feeling of seeing raindrops break on the umbrella surface was just like seeing stars falling from the sky. because of that casual remark by leehan one late night while texting until almost dawn, he had scoured every convenience store just to find this exact umbrella.

ten minutes later, until the point where taesan was about to turn into a black cat sitting in his own world with some pebbles under his shoe soles, leehan appeared, but he didn't run out with a radiant smile like usual. leehan walked slowly, his eyes a bit dazed, clutching his briefcase to his chest as if afraid of losing something precious. seeing the silhouette of his beloved, taesan seemed to wake up from boredom, the sad face earlier vanished, replaced by a taesan grinning with joy like a child who just got candy. he called out loudly, his tall figure waving his hand continuously to catch the little rabbit's attention.

"leehan!"

hearing his name called, leehan startled slightly, he tilted his head toward the sound. when he saw taesan, his eyes fluctuated slightly, taking a second to settle, then a familiar smile bloomed on his lips, though it was a bit pale.

"oh, taesan? why are you here?"
"i waited to go home with you. it's raining now."

taesan opened the transparent umbrella, covering leehan's head, while he used the blue umbrella. the younger one looked at the umbrella over his head, eyes sparkling with a bit of small joy, which under taesan's perspective suddenly turned into a whole shimmering galaxy.

"it's so beautiful. thank you, taesan. i... i almost forgot that i didn't bring an umbrella."
"let's go, i'll take you home."

the two walked together under the thin veil of rain. the pitter-patter of rain on the umbrella surface formed a steady melody. taesan intentionally slowed down to keep up with leehan's somewhat staggering pace, he secretly wished the way home would last a bit longer, so he could hold onto a bit of peace, capturing the image of the person he loved into his chest.

"taesan," - leehan suddenly stopped in the middle of the empty road.
"what's wrong?" - taesan also stopped according to his footsteps, bowing his head to look at the smaller person who was confused and flustered.
"i... i just left my colored pencil box in the classroom. that's the set jaehyun-hyung gave me for my birthday," - leehan's voice trembled, showing clear panic - "i remember i put it in my bag, why can't i find it now?"

he frantically opened his bag, turning everything inside out. textbooks, drawing paper, watercolor boxes... everything was there, except the familiar colored pencil set. the little rabbit started breathing fast, his face turning pale. taesan tried to keep himself from panicking along with him, hurriedly grabbing the trembling hands of the person in front of him.

"calm down, leehan. you probably just left it on the drawing table. let me go back and get it, you wait here for me, okay?"
"no... i... i remember clearly that i was holding it in my hand," - leehan mumbled, his gaze miserably lost - "why can't i remember anything?"

seeing leehan blaming himself, taesan's heart suddenly tightened. he couldn't bear to leave him here alone. the older one lowered his gaze, leaning down to look into the younger's eyes shimmering with tears.

"it's okay, it's fine. that set won't get lost, tomorrow i'll go to the faculty office with you to find it. it's cold now, let's go back to the dorm first, okay?"

leehan looked at taesan, his pupils trembling slightly then gradually stabilizing under his steady gaze.

"yeah... i'm sorry. lately i've been like someone with my head in the clouds."
"don't apologize to me. i told you, i will remember for you."

taesan reached out, intending to hold leehan's hand to reassure him, but then timidly changed to grabbing the little rabbit's bag strap, pulling gently forward so he would follow. he was afraid if he was too intimate, leehan would realize the feelings waiting to overflow in his heart, and their friendship would end as well.

that night, the whole group gathered at jaehyun's room to do homework together, even though they weren't in the same faculty, the six of them still often gathered to study together. woonhak was lying on the floor complaining about the boring history subject that any high school student must go through in life, while riwoo and sungho were arguing heatedly about a photo composition. leehan sat at the corner of the table, silently looking at a sketchbook with a few scribbles. taesan sat next to him, occasionally pushing over a slice of peeled apple or a warm sip of ginger tea to calm him down.

"hey leehan, you're holding the usb containing our group presentation file, right?" - jaehyun looked up and asked.

leehan suddenly froze. he started rummaging through his jacket pockets, pant pockets, then turned the briefcase inside out once more. confusion was clear on his beautiful face.

"i... i left it at... wait for me a moment..."

the atmosphere in the room suddenly dropped. everyone stopped what they were doing to look at leehan. this wasn't the first time during the week leehan forgot important items.

"it's okay, look slowly, it won't get lost."

sungho spoke to reassure him, but his gaze flashed with a hint of worry as he looked at the younger brother sitting next to him. taesan said nothing, he just silently stood up, walked to leehan's coat hook near the door. he reached his hand into leehan's denim jacket pocket and touched a small hard object.

"here it is," - taesan held up the usb - "you put it in your jacket pocket this afternoon, you probably were in a hurry so you forgot."

leehan let out a sigh of relief, he reached out to take the usb, his face flushed with embarrassment.

"i... i really have the memory of a goldfish. sorry everyone."

jaehyun laughed out loud to dispel the tense atmosphere.

"it's okay, with 'manager' taesan here, even if leehan forgets the way home, there's no need to be afraid."

the group burst out laughing, while taesan only smiled faintly. he saw leehan laughing too, but that smile didn't shine with joy in his eyes as usual. in that moment, taesan suddenly realized something was very wrong. forgetting small things could be due to absent-mindedness, but the lost, empty look in leehan's eyes whenever he didn't remember something... it brought taesan a chilling sense of unease.

when the group study session ended, everyone left one by one. woonhak insisted on going for a late-night snack so he dragged jaehyun and riwoo along. sungho was the class president so he had to go to the art room to organize some things for tomorrow's class. finally, only taesan and leehan were left walking back to building b together. seoul night after the rain was so quiet. the smell of damp earth mixed with the smell of rotting leaves created a solemn space, just enough for people to feel comfortable and refreshed in their hearts.

"taesan," - leehan suddenly spoke as they were crossing the small bridge over the pond on campus.
"i'm listening." - taesan replied gently.
"do you find... me very annoying?"

taesan stopped, turning to look at leehan, staring deep into his slightly trembling eyes. under the faint moonlight, leehan looked as fragile as a falling petal, making him only want to step closer and embrace all the worries.

"why do you ask that?"
"i keep forgetting one thing after another. i trouble you, trouble the brothers... i feel like my head lately is like a leaky basket. i try to hold onto bits of information, but they keep racing to fall out." - leehan bowed his head, his voice choking up - "i'm so scared, taesan. i'm afraid one day i'll forget even the most important things."

taesan felt his chest ache sharply. he stepped closer, the distance between them narrowing to the point he could smell the light scent of soap from his shirt. unable to hold back, taesan put his hand on leehan's shoulder, forcing him to look straight into his eyes.

"listen to me, leehan. you aren't annoying at all. everyone has times when they remember and forget. maybe because you study too much, or because you're under pressure."

taesan paused for a moment, taking a deep breath to find courage.

"if you're afraid you'll forget important things, then i will be the one to keep them for you. i will record everything. i will remind you every morning, will tell you every night. i won't let any of your memories get lost. i promise."

leehan looked up at taesan. in his clear brown eyes, taesan saw his own reflection - a lovesick, worried, and sincere man to the very end.

"why are you so good to me?" - leehan asked khẽ, his breath exhaling into a thin mist in the cold air.

taesan's heart beat so hard it felt like it would break out of his chest. he wanted to say because i love you, because i've loved you since the first sight in that lecture hall years ago, because you are my whole world. but those words choked in his throat.

"because... because we are friends. and because i want to."

leehan was silent for a long time, then he suddenly stepped forward, leaning his head on taesan's shoulder. that weak and gentle touch made taesan freeze. time seemed to stop at that second, all that taesan could hear was the very small whisper on his shoulder.

"thank you, taesan. thank you for not finding me annoying."

they stood there, on the small bridge, under the pale moonlight. taesan didn't dare move, only afraid this moment would vanish like a dream, after a while he finally dared to timidly reach up and pat the thin, small shoulder. he secretly wished that leehan's forgetfulness was just a temporary phase, wished that the worries in his heart were just excessive suspicion. but in a dark corner of his mind, taesan knew that this peaceful melody was gradually turning into sad, tragic low notes. and he, would be the last person to stay to play those notes, even when the person playing with him no longer remembered a single melody.

that summer arrived earlier than usual; the spring breezes that were just pleasantly playful moments ago now carried a sweltering heat that felt oppressive, and blending with it were the stressful final exams that students had long since grown tired of. the university hallways, already noisy, now became even more chaotic with faces haggard from lack of sleep, endless stories about exams, and hasty meals sandwiched between back-to-back classes and test sessions. but for taesan, this summer wore a completely different color. it was not the brilliant yellow of the sun, but the silver-gray of secret anxieties growing within his heart, like green moss clinging tightly to a stone wall - not enough to hide the stone, but enough to create a murky sense of aimless uncertainty.

everything began to get more serious on a tuesday morning.

it was the day of an important group presentation for leehan, jaehyun, sungho, and riwoo. taesan, though not in that class, still sneaked in to sit in the last row to cheer them on. for the past few months, taesan had been present at almost all of leehan’s presentations. he couldn't even remember when this habit formed; perhaps it was from the moment he heard leehan say he felt more at ease with taesan by his side. today was no exception. taesan chose a hidden spot in the classroom, yet one close enough to see his beloved clearly. he intently watched leehan standing on the podium; he looked beautiful and pure like an angel, even in a simple white shirt that taesan himself had helped iron flat the night before. he looked more nervous than usual, even though taesan had practiced the presentation with him last night, but his hands still gripped the edge of the table tightly, his fingertips gradually turning white. jaehyun and sungho helped the group connect the devices to project the slides, and shortly after, the lecturer entered, signaling for the presentation to begin. leehan bowed slightly to the professor, then carefully started, his voice trembling slightly but still enough for listeners to feel a sense of confidence.

"hello teacher and the class, today our group will present on..."

everything went smoothly until the tenth minute. leehan was talking about the influence of light in renaissance painting when he suddenly stopped. he stared at the slide screen, then looked down at the stack of documents in his hand.

one second. five seconds. ten seconds.

the space in the classroom suddenly became terrifyingly silent. sungho, standing next to him, nudged leehan’s arm, whispering a reminder.

"keep going, the part about colors."

leehan looked up. the look in his eyes at that moment was perhaps the thing that haunted taesan most in his twenty years of life, something he would never forget even if he died. it was not the confusion of a student forgetting a lesson, but the extreme panic of someone who had just been thrown into a void, drifting aimlessly amidst the relentless torrent of time. he looked at sungho, then looked down at the lecture hall, as if he were standing in a completely foreign place, among people he did not know at all.

"i... i..." - leehan’s lips trembled, he stammered soundlessly - "sorry, i don't remember... what am i doing here?"

whispers began to rise. riwoo quickly stepped forward, took the microphone, and spoke to save the situation, while sungho hurriedly led leehan down to a chair. no longer caring about what was happening around him, taesan rushed down from the back row, his heart beating violently as if about to burst. he pushed the classroom door open and ran to leehan, who was now sitting with his head slumped in a corner of the hallway.

"leehan! leehan, look at me!"

leehan raised his face, already drenched in tears. seeing taesan, he immediately grabbed the hem of taesan's shirt tightly, like a traveler about to collapse from exhaustion reaching for a faint light at the end of a tunnel.

"taesan... i don't know... i truly don't know what just happened," - leehan sobbed - "i prepared so carefully. i read the script hundreds of times, you even praised me for being so good. but just now, everything suddenly vanished. words, images, even sungho-hyung’s name... i couldn't remember it. i'm so scared, taesan. i'm so scared."

taesan said nothing; at that moment he only knew to hold leehan tightly, enveloping him in his arms as if protecting him from all the fearful sensitivities, ignoring the curious gazes of passersby. he tightened his embrace, his chin resting on his friend's soft hair, feeling leehan’s body trembling violently like a kitten freezing from being wet in the rain.

"it's okay, i'm here. it's all right, be good and listen to me, leehan." - taesan whispered very softly only for him to hear, even though he himself felt a bottomless abyss opening beneath his feet that he couldn't explain.

that afternoon, taesan took leehan back to the dormitory. he forced him to lie down and rest, while he went to make a glass of warm milk.

"hey," - leehan called out softly as taesan was busy in the small kitchen.
"i'm here." - the older one replied, still with that gentle, doting tone reserved only for him.
"do you think i'm going crazy?"

leehan's voice was tiny, filled with hurt. the muffled sound in his nose felt like it wanted to break, fragile like a soap bubble in a space full of danger. taesan stopped what he was doing and turned to look at leehan.

"don't talk nonsense. you're just too tired. you've been staying up late painting a lot lately."
"no taesan," - leehan shook his head, his lifeless eyes looking up at the ceiling, searching for an answer he knew would never come for the tens of thousands of questions appearing in his head - "this isn't tiredness. i can feel it. something is eating away at my mind. bit by bit. like someone is holding an eraser and gradually wiping out the pages in my head."

taesan remained silent. he didn't know what to say to comfort him, because he himself was beginning to realize the same thing. he walked to the bedside, sat down next to leehan, and handed him the milk.

"tomorrow, let's go to the hospital for a check-up, okay?"

leehan looked at taesan for a long time, then nodded slightly, obediently taking a sip of milk from the cup in his hand.

"if you go with me, then i will go."

that evening, the seniors and woonhak all came over. jaehyun brought a bag full of delicious food, while riwoo and sungho tried to make jokes to cheer leehan up. the youngest, woonhak, kept huddling close to leehan, telling stories about how he just got a bad grade in math. no one mentioned what happened at the presentation. they all knew, but they chose silence to protect leehan’s last bit of self-respect. watching that scene, taesan suddenly felt a surge of heartache. among their group of six which was always full of laughter, it was now covered by an atmosphere so forced it was painful. he watched leehan trying to smile at jaehyun’s jokes, and he understood that he could not hesitate any longer.

he had to say it. before it was too late.

when everyone had left, taesan stayed to clean the room for leehan. leehan had fallen asleep from exhaustion, but his brow was still slightly furrowed as if he were having a nightmare, occasionally making small sounds that caused taesan immense pain. he took out from his bag a small moss-green notebook - the color leehan liked most. on the first page, taesan wrote neatly: a gift for leehan. from today, this notebook will be your memory. what you forget, i will write here. what you want to remember, please write here. i will always be here to turn every page with you.

the older one carefully placed the notebook on leehan’s desk, right next to the colored pencil box they had gone to find together last week, then he leaned down, softly placing a kiss on leehan’s forehead. it was the first kiss, gentle and deep, carrying all his love but hidden and unspoken.

"i like you, leehan. more than i can ever say."

taesan whispered into the quiet space of the room, half of his heart hoping that leehan could hear. in response, there was only leehan’s soft, steady breathing, but in his sleep, he slightly grasped taesan's hand, holding on tight as if it were his only link to the real world.

that summer, the sun still poured gold outside the window, but in taesan's heart, a blizzard had begun to fall, blurring the path back to the carefree days. he knew the journey ahead would be very long and full of pain, but he also knew he would never let go of the person lying here, right next to him at this moment.

even when that person was about to forget who he was, even when his silhouette would only be a murky blur in that person's empty mind.

the smell of the hospital is always the smell that makes people feel the most helpless and frightened. it is a harmonious blend of medical alcohol, antiseptic, and something dry, cold to the point of being spine-chilling that no one can quite explain. han taesan never liked this scent, to be more precise, he hated it bitterly, but today he had to breathe it deep into his chest to keep himself awake before something untoward happened.

sitting on the row of freezing cold iron chairs in the hallway, leehan looked smaller than ever, like a little baby rabbit lost from the herd, bewildered and scared by the scene around him. he interlaced his hands, fingernails digging tight into the white flesh of his fingers, eyes staring intently at the gaps on the soulless white tiled floor. taesan sat next to him, he didn't say anything, just silently held the trembling hand of the smaller one as a silent reassurance, enveloping that fragility in his warm palm.

"patient kim donghyun, please enter room 302."

the dry announcement from the loudspeaker rang out. leehan startled awake from his stream of thoughts, his grip on taesan's hand instinctively tightening suddenly. taesan stood up, supporting him to walk in, his lips still trying to form a faint smile.

"be good, i'm here with you."

throughout the examination process, taesan stayed by leehan's side without leaving for a second, his hand still holding tight to the smaller hand of the other like a silent lifebuoy. in the simply furnished hospital room, the old doctor wearing gold-rimmed glasses looked at the stack of mri scans and test results on the table, then looked up at the two very young men sitting opposite. he sighed, a sigh carrying the weight of regret.

"early-onset alzheimer's."

those three words fell into the room like thousand-pound rocks, suddenly making taesan go dead silent. he felt his ears ringing. he still heard the doctor explaining about protein plaques, about the atrophy of the brain, about how rare this case was at the age of twenty-one, but it all seemed like distorted sounds transmitted from another planet, rumbling and drifting in his hearing like aimless, soulless fragments that didn't know where they were going.

"he... he is only twenty-one years old," - taesan heard his own voice ring out, hoarse and trembling - "is the doctor mistaken? he's just a little forgetful? how can such a young person possibly..."

the doctor looked at him with sympathetic eyes; more than anyone, he understood the shock and disbelief of the two young men in front of him.

"i am very sorry. the genetic test results and imaging do not lie. currently, the disease is progressing quite fast. we can only use medication to slow down this process, but we cannot..."

he didn't finish the sentence, but everyone understood. cannot cure. cannot turn back. cannot have any other way.

leehan remained silent from the moment he entered the room until hearing the examination results. he didn't cry, didn't scream, nor did he ask questions. he just sat there, staring at an indefinite point on the doctor's desk. that silence of leehan hurt taesan ten thousand times more than any crying sound, his hand unintentionally squeezing the other's hand tighter.

they left the hospital when the afternoon had begun to wane. the burnt orange sunset stretched across the streets, heartbreakingly beautiful, yet so overly ironic for the two of them. the sunlight was beautiful, but it wasn't meant for him. they didn't return to the dormitory immediately but walked to a small park by the han river. leehan sat down on a wooden bench, watching the ripples sparkling under the fading sun. something deep in his eyes fluctuated slightly, but taesan wasn't sure. he just silently sat down with him, looking painfully at the beautiful, peaceful face beside him.

"taesan," - leehan suddenly spoke up, for the first time since knowing the medical results, his voice clear but carrying something very distant.
"i'm here."

taesan replied softly, he carefully pulled the soft head of the other to lean on his shoulder, listening to the steady beat from the heart of the person beside him. leehan didn't resist, letting himself be weak and lean on taesan, his soft golden hair gently rubbing against taesan's neck, ticklish. he let out a sigh of relief, tiptoeing bit by bit to snuggle deeper into the other's body, his gentle voice continuing to ring out.

"do you remember the first time we met?"

taesan smiled slightly, a bitter smile, fragments of memory began to return in their correct order, painting a picture in taesan's head that he had never forgotten.

"i remember. that day it rained very hard, you stood at the lecture hall lobby, intending to take out a notebook to cover your head to run into class. i walked over and gave you my umbrella, even though after that i had to run to class with a soaking wet head."

how could taesan forget, because before that fateful moment of meeting, he had fallen in love with him at first sight, from the moment the other didn't know who he was, from the moment he accidentally let his soul fall into that soft smile, into those beautiful large round eyes that seemed to contain the whole galaxy on the day he accidentally saw him at the library. how could taesan forget the times he skipped basketball practice just to secretly watch him from behind under the golden sunlight from the glass window of the dorm's common room, the classes with piles of dry knowledge he couldn't absorb into his head but volunteered to sit through until the very end just to steal a look at him for a second, the lunch dates that were hasty but made him dispel all the fatigue of long days... everything appeared clearly in taesan's memory, like a peaceful film with infinite storage time. hearing the person beside him recount all those random things, leehan smiled slightly, his eyes narrowing into a beautiful crescent shape.

"oh right... turns out you gave the umbrella to me. i kept remembering that i picked it up somewhere."

taesan's smile extinguished instantly. just yesterday, leehan still remembered that detail very clearly, yet now, those fragments of memory had started to crack. soon, it would gradually shatter, just like the way taesan's heart was being strangled day by day in endless suffering.

"taesan," - leehan turned to look at him, his face under the sunset light was so beautiful that taesan felt his heart twinge slightly - "i don't want to become a burden. you heard what the doctor said. i will forget everything. i will forget your name, forget your face, forget even how much i like you. you... you shouldn't stay by my side anymore. let's just pretend we never..."
"what did you just say?" - taesan interrupted, his voice suddenly becoming unusually firm, leehan said a lot, but all that entered his ears were just a few sole words - "you just said you like me?"

leehan froze, realizing he had just slipped up in a moment of despair. he lowered his head, intending to avoid it, but taesan reached out, boldly lifting his chin, forcing him to face him.

"leehan, look at me."

taesan's gaze was so deep and sincere that leehan couldn't run away.

"i have secretly liked you since the day i gave you the umbrella at the lecture hall in freshman year, actually even before that, since the time you didn't even know who i was. i stood in the back row just to watch your back for two whole years. i learned how to do everything, remember everything just to be able to be a little closer to you."

taesan took a deep breath, tears finally overflowing, rolling down his cheeks, but he had no mind to care about his appearance right now.

"i don't care if later on you forget who i am. i don't care if tomorrow you still remember my name. as long as i still remember you, i will tell you about us every day. i will love you all over again every morning when you wake up. i don't need you to shoulder anything. that burden, let me carry it."

taesan took a deep breath, finalizing a decisive sentence.

"leehan, will you be my boyfriend?"

leehan stared blankly at taesan, as if he still didn't believe his ears. he didn't expect that in the darkest moment of his life, there would be someone willing to hold his hand to overcome everything together, willing to light up a fire so warm and gentle. unable to hold back his feelings anymore, he burst into tears, choking sobs shattering in the space. leehan rushed into taesan's arms, hugging him tightly as if wanting to merge into one.

"taesan... i'm so scared... i'm really very scared..."
"don't be scared. i'm here. i will be your memory. i will be your home."

under the brilliant sunset sky of seoul, amidst the noise of vehicles and the bustling flow of people, there were two young men hugging each other tightly, exchanging words of love on the day their world had just collapsed, exchanging vows to protect each other forever amidst the difficulties of life. they didn't care what tomorrow would be like anymore, as long as they still had each other.

that evening, at the familiar hotpot restaurant, a somber atmosphere covered the whole group. jaehyun, sungho, riwoo, and woonhak all knew the news. jaehyun sat silently pouring water into everyone's cups, no longer making the usual humorous jokes. riwoo kept staring at his phone, essentially to hide his red eyes. woonhak - the kid who usually smiled the most - now kept his face lowered, shoulders trembling.

"leehan-hyung..." - he looked up, voice tearful, cheeks drooping like two water-soaked dumplings - "i will come to play with you every day. i will bring lots of delicious food for you. don't you forget me, okay!"

leehan smiled, even though his eyes were still a bit swollen. he rubbed the head of the sniffing kid, the other hand reaching up to pinch his cheek painfully.

"i know, our woonhak is so clingy like this, how can i forget."

sungho placed his hand on taesan's shoulder, squeezing tight as a promise of companionship. ever since getting to know these friends, he had always been a solid support for everyone no matter what happened.

"we are all here. whenever you are tired, or leehan needs anything, just call. we are a family."

taesan silently nodded. he looked around the dining table, looked at his close brothers, then looked at leehan sitting beside him. he knew, the warm sunny days were about to pass, and a long, lingering winter was waiting ahead. but this time, he was no longer walking alone. the firm hand grip squeezed lightly again, holding onto the warmth for the hand smaller than his. leehan looked down at the two hands interlaced and then looked at taesan, his eyes unable to hide the emotion. he didn't speak, but taesan could guess part of it through his look.

"taesan, i love you."

that night, when taking leehan back to his room, taesan took out the moss-green notebook he had placed on the table the day before. he held a pen, writing another line on the second page: day... month... year... today, leehan officially became my lover. even if he forgets this moment, i will still engrave it in my heart. the unspoken love, today has become words.

leehan followed the tip of taesan's pen, gently leaning his head on his shoulder. he took another colored pencil, drawing a tiny heart right next to taesan's handwriting.

"i will try to remember for a long, long time," - leehan whispered - "remember that there is a han dongmin who loves me this much."

outside the window, the summer flower petals began to fall, giving way to the chilly night winds. the war with oblivion had officially begun, but their love had also managed to bloom right amidst the ruins of destiny.

time for a normal person is a linear flow, what has passed has passed, but it will still be saved in some corner of memory in life. but for leehan right now, it is like a cracked hourglass, grains of memory sand just keep falling, weaving through the cracks of space and disappearing into the void with no way to pick them back up.

taesan started moving in permanently to leehan's room. he asked for permission from the dorm manager, worked with the homeroom teacher, and submitted the necessary medical papers to stay and take care of his lover. the room, originally messy with unfinished canvases and watercolors used half-full half-empty by leehan, was now arranged by taesan in a strangely neat way. on every nook and cranny, yellow sticky notes were pasted thickly.

"this drawer holds socks", "hot water thermos in the left corner", "don't forget to take the blue pill after breakfast", "i am taesan, i am in the kitchen."

every morning waking up, instead of lying lazily on the bed scrolling through social media or idly watching movies, the first thing taesan did was to check what state the person lying next to him was in. there were days leehan woke up with a radiant smile, he would hug taesan tightly from behind and complain about craving grilled toast. and taesan would very gently scatter little kisses all over the intelligent forehead, on the curled eyelashes, on the beautiful flushed cheeks, and on the rosy pouting lips. but there were also days, leehan woke up with empty eyes, he would stare at the ceiling for a long time, as if trying to locate who he was and where this was. at times like that, taesan only knew to helplessly hug him into his arms, patting lightly on the shoulder wasted away by medication, whispering the sweetest words of love into his ear, but he himself was also bracing himself so that tears wouldn't fall anymore.

"hey leehan, today let's go see the art faculty's exhibition, okay?" - taesan asked while tying shoelaces for leehan.

leehan nodded, the bunny fingers fiddling with the hem of his shirt.

"yeah, let's go. i remember i have a painting hanging there, right taesan?"

taesan paused for a moment, then smiled and patted his head, where the bottom of his eyes shone with a bitter, unresigned look.

"that's right, your painting 'melting spring' won second prize. you're very talented."

actually, that painting had been taken down since last week when the exhibition ended, but taesan didn't want to correct him. he just wanted leehan to keep that joy a little longer, even if it wasn't that huge.

in the afternoon, taesan took leehan to an old bookstore near the school, both taking the chance to find some good books and using it as an excuse to lead leehan somewhere to relieve boredom. he really liked the smell of old paper, he said it helped him feel calmer. while taesan was busy looking for a book on neurological treatment, leehan strolled around the art bookshelves, he also wanted to do something to entertain himself.

just five minutes. taesan only took his eyes off him for exactly five minutes.

when taesan looked up, leehan's thin silhouette was no longer at the opposite shelf. like an automatic mechanism already set up, sensing something bad, he hurriedly ran through all the aisles, his heart pounding as if wanting to jump out of his chest.

"leehan! hey leehan!"

taesan rushed out of the bookstore like flying, his eyes shattered in anxiety looking wildly all over the crowded street. extreme fear immediately surged, strangling his throat. seoul was too big, and he was too fragile. a series of terrible scenarios appeared in taesan's head: leehan getting lost, leehan not remembering the way home, leehan getting into a traffic accident...

he ran along the street, running while calling the name of his bunny. taesan kept running, finally, he found leehan standing bewildered at a bus stop two blocks away. he was wearing only a thin jacket, his shoulders shivering from the cold of the summer wind about to turn into autumn. he stood there, watching buses come and go with eyes so pitifully lost.

"leehan!" - taesan called out loudly, then rushed to hug him tightly. his breath was broken, sweat soaked the back of his shirt, but he had no mind to care anymore - "where did you go? i told you to wait for me!"

leehan looked at taesan bewilderedly, his eyes red and full of panic, where the corners of his eyes were already welling up with hot tears.

"taesan... i... i intended to go buy paints... but just as i stepped out the door i didn't remember where the bookstore was anymore. i saw this bus looked like the one we usually take home... but i didn't remember what our house number is..."
"i'm here, it's okay now, i'm here..."

taesan buried his head in leehan's neck, trying to suppress his sobbing, his two hands squeezing tight around his slender waist, as if wanting to embed his whole person deep into his own body. leehan whimpered, two hands clutching taesan's shirt like a child afraid of being abandoned, a sudden sense of guilt rising making his voice choke.

"i'm sorry taesan... i troubled you again, didn't i?"
"no, never a trouble. it was my fault for not watching you carefully. now let's go home, okay?"

that evening, the whole group gathered at their room for dinner. jaehyun and sungho brought a lot of fruits, while riwoo and woonhak brought a jenga set. the atmosphere seemed more cheerful than usual. leehan seemed to have forgotten the afternoon incident, he laughed and joked with woonhak when the kid intentionally pulled a tricky block making the whole tower collapse.

"leehan-hyung eat a lot, you look so much thinner lately." - woonhak said while picking a large piece of meat into leehan's bowl.

"thank you woonhak. by the way... which grade are you in now? about to take the university entrance exam yet?" - leehan innocently asked.

a silence covered the whole room. woonhak froze, the chopsticks in his hand trembled slightly. the kid cast a pitiful bewildered look at leehan, then looked at taesan, and finally pleaded for help from the three older brothers. everyone knew woonhak had graduated high school and was a first-year university student, leehan had even attended his opening ceremony.

"hyung... i study first year university at the same school as you, leehan-hyung..."

the kid tried to keep his voice normal, though the corners of his eyes had started to sting. leehan was dazed for a moment, then he slapped his hand on his forehead, forcing a smile.

"ah... right. i forgot, i kept remembering you when you were still wearing your school uniform. sorry, woonhak."

seeing the atmosphere seeming to sink, jaehyun quickly steered the story in another direction, telling about a difficult teacher in the faculty. everyone continued to laugh and talk, but in everyone's heart, it felt like a heavy rock was pressing down. they realized that the fragments of memory about them in leehan's head were gradually being erased, not following any order at all.

late at night, when everyone had left, leehan sat at the desk, neatly writing in the moss-green notebook. taesan walked out from the bathroom, seeing leehan's small back under the desk lamp. he said nothing, just slowly approached, wrapping his arms around his small lover's neck, chin gently resting lightly on his shoulder.

"what are you writing?"

leehan smiled, he didn't hide it, his large round eyes shining with pride pointing at the round lines of words just written.

1. my name is kim donghyun.
2. the person hugging me is taesan. taesan is my lover, is the most important person.
3. jaehyun-hyung smiles a lot, sungho-hyung takes beautiful photos, riwoo-hyung dances very well, and woonhak is the youngest.
4. i have a disease of forgetting, so i must always trust taesan.

taesan felt his chest tighten. he turned the chair around, looking straight into leehan's eyes.

"leehan, if one day you forget all these things... then i will still be here. i will retell you from item number 1 to item number 100, until you remember."

leehan widened his eyes looking at his lover, he gently reached up, pressing his palm against taesan's burning hot cheek.

"taesan..."
"i'm listening?"
"if i forget even the fact that i love you... will you be sad?"

taesan was silent and didn't reply immediately, he took his hand, placed a kiss on the palm with all the cherish in this world.

"i won't be sad. because i will make you love me all over again from the start. once every day, i will flirt with you, will give you flowers, will take you for walks, will say i love you the most in the world... i will make your heart flutter for me ten thousand times more."

leehan smiled, a smile both happy and heartbreaking, then he leaned up, placing a gentle kiss on taesan's lips.

in the small room brilliant with warm yellow lights, two hearts leaned on each other to fight against the cruelty of time. taesan knew, tomorrow leehan might wake up again and ask who he is, but he was ready for that. he was ready to become a "stranger" to be loved once more.