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Today is Tuesday, December 30th, 2025. Though my colleagues have all gone home to celebrate the holidays I must continue my work. It took many months and sleepless nights but I have managed to extract cancer in its purest form and convert it into an injectable solution. It's one part testicular cancer, three parts pulmonic, one part skin, two parts eye, and half a part Leukemia. I know there’s more stuff in there but I mixed it in when I was blackout drunk two months into those many months I was talking about earlier so your guess is as good as mine. Anyway this concoction is a nice cerulean blue and smells of sweat and dog pee. Speaking of dogs I had injected a handful of dogs with the serum to see how their bodies would respond. Normally I would use rats but my rat guy got locked up for some pretty nasty stuff (six unpaid parking tickets), so dogs it is. I don’t really know what breeds they are, I’m more of a fish person, but for whatever reason they all had different reactions to the injection. Maybe its a blood type thing, who knows but here are the results:
Dog 1: I found Dog 1 locked inside someone’s piping hot car so I did what any good samaritan would do and broke a window and brought him into the lovely comfort of 20℉ on this fine December day. I then brought him to the lab, named him “Doug” and gave him the shot. 2.4 seconds after being injected all of Doug’s skin fell off. He was still alive and very clearly in pain. I kinda expected him to die so I didn’t really know what to do. I have a limited supply of this liquid cancer stuff and didn’t want to waste more on him so I just kicked him out. I’m sure he can find his way back home.
Dog 2: I took Dog 2 from my neighbor’s yard. Damn thing keeps pooping in my driveway so I think that this was an adequate punishment. I hear my neighbor call her Lana. I think Lana is a stupid name so from here on out she will be known as “xX_GodzillaKilla29_Xx”. xX_GodzillaKilla29_Xx was prepped and the subdermal concoction was infused into her bloodstream. Instead of her skin falling off like Dog 1 only her hair fell off. She also seemed to have gained some kind of super intelligence or something. She got up on her back legs and started walking around to my whiteboards and started answering the equations I had left up. I mean all the answers she wrote were wrong, but I mean answers are answers. Then she gave me a nod and I think even a little smile and then dropped dead.
Dog 3: Dog 3 I found whimpering under the Lab’s dumpster. I named him “Crunchy”. I grabbed him and did my thing and this time nothing fell off. He stopped whimpering too. Actually, he looked pretty happy. After doing some examinations I have reason to suspect that the dog had cancer before I injected him, so I guess I found a cure for dog cancer? I’m not sure what to do with him now though. I’m scared that if I release him out into the wild he like spread anti-cancer antibodies or something to other dogs and I ain’t giving away something like for free. So for now he will sit in a shiny new cage til I figure out what to do with him next.
Dog 4: I mistakenly injected this one with blue Gatorade and now she has an electrolyte count that rivals a horse. I’m honestly kind of scared of her. I’ve decided to just let her be, I think she owns my lab now.
Dog 5: Dog 5 was the last dog I could get my hands on. He was left unattended in a dog park, so y’know “use it before you lose it,” and what not His color said “Lady” and I’m not creative enough to call him something new so Lady it is. I shot the dog up as to be expected and waited for the results. After 2 hours of receiving the injection there was still no clear change in the dog. I know something changed in Lady, I can feel it in my bones, I just don’t know what. Until that change is noticeable I will lock lady up with Crunchy cause that cage took forever to build and I’ll be damned if I gotta make a new one.
So to conclude on my findings. Cancer is weird and now I have it as a liquid. If anyone would like to purchase a vail I’ll be selling it out of my lab (Room 203) for $65 a pop. Supplies are limited so please hurry to it if you want some.