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Logan has been hoping this tension he carries, the tight choking anxiety in the back of his throat would ease with time. Formula 1 is everything he has ever worked towards and he is finally here. Williams is not the best team but he’s been a Williams driver for a while and there is no one else he could imagine driving for. During Formula 2 especially Williams had become his home and family. It is different now; he doesn’t find the same sense of companionship or safety here.

He hasn’t been in Formula 1 long at all so maybe he just needs to be patient. He can’t force a connection with a team of workers who have already seen multiple drivers come and go. Logan has been a competitor his whole life, he ought to know how to deal with pressure and disappointment. He misses his Formula 2 car somehow; this one is faster but he isn’t able to feel the road like he could with his car previous. Being able to have a feel for and connect with your car means everything to a driver.

The media and the notorious Formula 1 fans already don’t like him. He had been warned and anticipated it; he is American. He can’t control where he was born and he wouldn’t change it anyway. Florida is a beautiful state, filled with unique people and he refuses to be shamed for something he has no control over. He has lived in Europe for years though and knows though rarely spoken to his face that people have a problem with his identity. It’s expected that they see him as an intruder. He feels like he doesn’t belong and he finds no sympathy from them.

It still gets to him though. He feels lonely. He feels like the whole world is waiting for him to fail and the media takes great joy in mocking him. He needs to focus on being a ruthless competitor- but he’s never been that. He is good at keeping his feelings off his face at least; so, they don’t know how they’re getting to him.

The moment he steps into the paddock he goes straight to his teammate. Alex looks up from his phone and spots him coming. He smiles widely and sets his phone down. Brown eyes are warm and welcoming as always. He doesn’t know how Alex always seems genuinely happy to see him but it’s one of the few things that eases the stress these days.

“Hey Loges,” he stands and pulls Logan into a quick hug. Logan can’t help but to smile back despite the miserable state of his thoughts recently. “Good morning! I was waiting for you. We have a meeting in half an hour.”

“Hi Alex,” he settles in the chair beside Alex. The other man has a way of making him feel comfortable with him as if they’ve known each other for years. “Good morning. Hit a lot of traffic on my way in today.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Alex shrugs, as easy going as ever. “I was just looking forward to annoying you anyway.”

“You never annoy me,” Logan protests looking away with a blush quickly when he sees how it makes Alex grin. How could anyone not enjoy Alex’s company though? “Any chance the car will be more cooperative this weekend, you think?” He quickly changes the subject.

“Don’t worry about it yet,” leaning into his personal space just a tad. “Some things we can’t control right now. Just focus on doing what you can – when you can.”

“You make that sound a lot easier than it is.” Logan already feels exhausted with worrying. He has found himself lacking energy or desire to socialize or do anything. He stresses, works, and sleeps most days.

“Did I!?” Alex laughs, his nose scrunching up adorably. “Definitely not easy. You do anything fun since I saw you last?” The last weekend had been an off weekend but he’d been busy in the simulator or sleeping mostly. He still exercised and cleaned his apartment but he doesn’t think any of that is really worth mentioning. How is anyone in Formula 1 finding the time or energy to be otherwise interesting?

“Nope. Not at all.” He sighs leaning back into his chair, feeling boring. “Just catching up on adult responsibilities and shit. How about you?”

“Well, that may not be fun but it is important.” Alex bumps his shoulder as he continues. “Me and George, went sailing for a day. It was gorgeous out. The idiot fell in the water at one point and I had to help him back on deck. I was laughing so hard! I thought he was going to push me in after.”

“Oh my god,” Alex was always doing fun things. He has a zest for life and many friends. “You’re the worst kind of friend to have around in an emergency, aren’t you?”

“Oh, I definitely am.” He can see everyone getting ready for the meeting out of the corner of his eye. James steps into the far side of the room, dressed in his usual slacks and white button up. The older man had said everything Logan had ever wanted to hear when he hired him. Told him the team would patient and understanding, that he was their rookie and they would support him. But increasingly… the look in his eyes and voice is changing and Logan finds himself doubting where he stands. “Don’t worry about James.” Alex says quietly enough no one will overhear.

“Hard not to.” He tries not to sound grouchy or worried. He doesn’t want to be downer when Alex looked so carefree a second ago. “He is our boss.”

“He just wants what is best for the team and all of us,” Alex reassures him. “He’s just a team principle like any other. We can handle him.” Logan appreciates how he groups them into one but it’s not Alex who isn’t living up to expectations. It’s not Alex who the world is speculating won’t have seat.

“Yeah, I know.” He agrees anyway because there is nothing Alex can do to fix it. He can’t make Logan to feel more comfortable behind the wheel or stop Williams from having the most disastrous strategies and pitstops.

The weekend is going like most. Logan feeling close to figuring things out but not quite hooking it up. Alex going faster and having more insightful advice. Every time he accidentally meets Alex’s eyes he smiles as if they’re in on a joke no else knows about.

Logan has taken to avoiding James as much as possible. The man hasn’t said much to him recently. When he had first joined the team James was always talking to him and now, he feels like the black sheep of the family.

“Not bad pace today kid,” Gaetan says when he climbs out the car after free practice two. The man tries to be supportive and helpful but this is a new role for both of them.

“Could’ve been better,” he yanks off his helmet. His balaclava he tears off much the same. His hair is sweaty mess from his effort, not that he has anything to show for it. He keeps all his anger and harshness directed at himself; always. No matter how he’s feeling towards life, he doesn’t want to lash out. He doesn’t want to suck and be an asshole. “Thanks, Gaetan.”

“We will find more pace tomorrow.” The older man says, he doesn’t sound like he believes it any more than Logan does. At least he had kept the car on track today, he doesn’t want to have to apologize to the mechanics again.

“Logie bear!” Alex calls brightly sweeping into their quiet space. He looks ruffled from his drive but not exhausted. He looks alive. He drops a warm arm over his shoulders as he leads Logan away from the garage. “You looked pretty good out there, sunshine.”

“You were rapid Lex,” Logan compliments, trying to not seem too touched by Alex’s appraisal.

“You almost had me,” Alex quickly rebuttals, leading them towards their driver’s room. There’s a way Alex does things, purposeful but always with an easy-going vibe. “You should come out tonight.”

“Go out where?” His only plans after their meeting are to take a scorching hot shower, doom scroll on Instagram before falling sleep.

“Have you played padel?” His arm is still around Logan’s shoulders even as they’ve stopped walking now. He tries not to let the warmth and affection distract him. “Me and some friends of mine are going tonight and we could use a fourth. They’ll love you!”

“I’m not so sure…” Logan winces, he doesn’t know about spending time with two people he isn’t friends with like that. Despite Alex’s belief, he is not great at making first impressions. He has been called quiet and awkward enough times to know that with certainty.

“Come on,” Alex shakes his just enough to make his head bobble. He looks so excited and expectant. “You gotta get out and have fun now and then! George will be there too!” Logan does know George decently well and he can’t bear to disappoint Alex when he can help it.

“Okay, okay.” Maybe he would be better off not spending the evening alone in his hotel anyway. Probably- definitely better off not accidentally running into people laughing at him over the internet.

~

Arriving at the arena already has his heart racing again. His anxiety irrationally telling him somehow, he will make a fool of himself just walking in the front door. He will have the wrong type of clothes on or use the wrong entrance or they won’t be expecting him somehow. He texted Alex before he left the hotel to confirm though and he had responded with a thumbs up so he knows it’s still on.

It's a nice facility, mostly closed for the evening but open for them. That is one benefit of having pretty wealthy friends. But also, the negative of living life being recognizable; is it’s hard to go anywhere during regular business hours. People could be very shameless about taking photos and videos without asking. Or interrupting private moments. Logan isn’t popular enough he gets bothered much but when he’s been out with other drivers, he’s seen how it can be.

“You made it!” Alex shouts excited as if they hadn’t texted twenty minutes earlier. It’s George and Daniel there to his relief. He’s met them both before obviously so nothing as stressful as trying to get along with a stranger.

“Happy you came, mate.” Daniel greets him, in his usual outgoing nature. They clap hands before stepping apart. George is smiling at him with a friendly nod himself.

“Alex wasn’t sure how much you’ve played.” George comments. “Daniel and Alex are both pretty good. I’m not the best.”

“I’ve barely played.” Logan admits embarrassed. It’s not a popular sport in the United States. His closest friends in Europe have been Liam and Oscar and neither of them have been particularly interested in the sport either.

“Okay. We will go one strong player with one weaker player than. Alex with Logan and Daniel with me?” George asks and everyone agrees easily. Logan is glad to be starting the evening beside Alex even if he is probably going to make them lose the match.

Despite George saying he is also not very good at the game; he is definitely better than Logan. He runs and jumps around the court trying to do his part. When he stumbles and almost falls Alex laughs loudly, head dropping back. George is like a gangly deer on the other side of the net and Daniel though quite skilled is also quite gangly.

Alex sweeps up close to him and sends the ball back with an easy movement. He grabs Logans shoulder with glee when it bounces out of bounds despite the other team’s best efforts.

“You’re going to LoSE!” Alex yells and laughs. George and Daniel both laugh, leap to grab the ball. Alex leans in closer to Logan, “We can get these fools Loges.”

“You can,” Logan giggles. He knows he doesn’t have the skill to make much of an impact here. Everyone else is in such good spirits it’s infectious.

“Don’t get a big head Albono!” Yells Daniel back at them. “You and your American are going down!”

The game doesn’t go their way. Alex is good but Logan’s effort flags as the game goes on and the men on the other side take advantage. Thankfully Alex doesn’t seem like he minds at all, he just laughs and continues to talk shit. Despite being competitive and losing Logan finds himself laughing constantly at their antics.

He drops onto the bench with a heaving sigh. Sweat is almost dripping from his face and he usually doesn’t do this much on a race weekend. Daniel and Alex sit on the other benches, George sprawls out on the ground looking as exhausted as he feels.

“Holy shit,” Logan laughs, “that is a workout.”

“It is a good workout,” Daniel agrees. “You should play more often.”

“I should; this was fun.” Perhaps he can convince Oscar to start playing with him to improve with someone not so much more advanced than him.

“You have potential,” George comments, eyes closed and leaning back onto his hands. “It takes a lot of practice to be good at padel.”

“He’s right,” Alex agrees, he almost looks a little proud of him somehow despite how badly he did. “You wouldn’t believe how bad George used to be.”

“Still is,” Daniel laughs. George laughs and rolls his eyes.

“I’ll have to find more people to practice with.” Logan agrees feeling lighter than he has in a while.

“Happy to play with you any time Logie.”

~

Logan doesn’t do as terrible during the race weekend as he had worried, he would. He didn’t crash the car or accumulate any damage that his team would be stretched to pay for at least. Alex still places decently ahead of him though. He understands that he is a rookie and no one expects him to be compete directly against his teammate yet but the gulf between their results is just too wide.

Despite Alex inviting him out drinking Logan slinks back to his hotel room to lick his wounds instead. There was a time he felt happiness and excitement after a race but that feeling feels increasingly difficult to capture. He wishes he wasn’t the only American on the grid and representing his country alone. He feels like a clown in red, white, and blue.

He considers reaching out to Jenson or someone else older and wiser. He shouldn’t feel this doubting and beaten all the time. This isn’t a useful state of mind to be in if he wants to improve and start achieving better results. He doesn’t want to be a bother. Certainly, they have better things to be doing than trying to give him a pep talk when he should be grateful to be living his dream.

Instead, he forces himself to eat, barely tasting his food at all. Takes a scorching hot shower, hoping to rinse away this feeling lingering under his skin. He climbs into bed and sinks into the mattress like a stone. One last look at his phone shows him Alex has sent him a message; a silly meme meant to cheer him up.

He is so grateful he has someone like Alex as his teammate. He can’t imagine how scary and difficult it must have been for Alex when he joined Red Bull as a rookie; a notoriously ruthless team with Max Verstappen as his teammate. Perhaps that is why the man always makes such an effort to help Logan.

~

The next race weekend is in his home state Florida. He feels more desire to do well than ever before, a raw need snarling under his skin. He’s never actually seen so many people rooting for him before. Here where he was born and spent his younger years; his lack of success doesn’t seem to dampen people’s excitement for his presence in the sport. He almost can’t help but to wonder if his parents have been out begging people to come show support.

Since he’s showed up at the airport, he’s been spotting people dressed in William’s merchandise and showing support. It chokes him up a little bit and he wants to give them a point- or something to earn their support. Alex gleefully points out every person he sees wearing anything to do with Logan.

“Too bad we don’t race in Thailand anymore.” Logan knows the country loves and supports Alex despite him being more English than anything; according to him anyway.

“It was an incredible track,” Alex agrees, waving at fans beside him. “In the UK I have too much competition for the fans. I would be rooting for Lewis too- or George.”

“Or Lando.” Logan has been seeing an increasing amount of papaya at the races recently. He hopes the fans and the team are treating his old friend Oscar right, who always just seems a bit overwhelmed and shut down under the intense attention.

“He’s got the cuteness factor.” Alex agrees, nodding gravely. Logan can’t help but to snort and roll his eyes; as if Alex is not ridiculously handsome. Lando has a silly charm for sure, he’s been one of Oscar’s favorite drivers for that reason but he’s never been Logan’s type. He prefers someone with a little more height and… masculinity.

“What does George have on you?” Logan asks, Alex did say he would root for George over himself.

“Nothing,” Alex shrugs. “He’s just my best friend so I have to root for him.”

“Yeah,” Logan snorts. “I think almost every time I talk to him, he makes sure to point out he’s your biggest fan.”

“He’s very competitive about it,” Alex agrees with a laugh, a bit of genuine blush showing through. George may be Alex’s biggest and oldest fan but Logan would like to think he’s probably second at this point. It says a lot about how fantastic Alex is that he still roots for him when his successes make Logan look like an idiot. But that’s his fault; not Alex’s.

“I hope I do better this weekend.” Logan admits quietly, one of those things he probably shouldn’t admit out loud. The childish desire to make his countrymen and family proud.

“They’re just excited to see an American Racing in Formula 1 at all Loges,” Alex says softly, all his joking demeanor gone. “Your best is all you can do.”

“Yeah,” his best hasn’t been enough yet though…

“Will your family be at the race then? They live near here?” Alex prompts wanting to draw him out from sinking into himself.

“They’ll be here.” Logan nods, looking out to the horizon. There are some tall cumulous clouds in the distance. He has always loved and missed his home sky. “They live less than an hour away if you take the highway.”

“Do I get to meet your family this weekend?” Alex is grinning and sounds genuinely excited.

“Uh, sure?” He can’t fathom why he would care to but he is sure his family would like to meet him. He’s not the closest with his parents but he’s still told them how kind and understanding Alex has been. “They’ll be here Saturday.”

“Excellent.” Alex pats his shoulder, “I will be sure to charm them over. Make sure they know I’m taking care of their Florida boy.”

“I don’t think they’re too worried.” Logan laughs, his parents are hardly the overprotective type. They allowed him to move overseas as a preteen to chase his dreams. His friendship with Oscar has always helped to ease their mind as well.

“Because of your Aussie protector?” Alex asks with a sly grin. To think of sweet quiet Oscar as his protector is pretty funny.

“Because I am a strong independent man.” Logan laughs, watching how Alex folds over into himself with his own laughter. The older man almost has to sit on the floor he laughs so hard.

“Right, right, of course, Loges.” Alex’s eyes are bright when he stands back up straight finally, it makes Logan happy to be able to make him laugh like that. He understands why George always goes so out of his way to make Alex laugh. “My mistake.”

~

He is apparently serious about wanting to meet Logan’s family. He pounces the moment he steps into William’s on Saturday asking where they are.

“They’re coming, they’re coming,” he reassures laughing already. He doesn’t understand Alex at all sometimes, in the best of ways.

When his parents and brother show up, he is prepared to be embarrassed one way or another, He doesn’t know who it’s going to be but he can’t help the feeling that these two different sides of his life are not meant to meet.

“You must be Mr. and Mrs. Sargeant,” Alex greets them seriously the moment he sees them with Logan. He holds out his hand and they shake his hand. Logan is already having a hard time not laughing. “I’m Alex; I am your son’s teammate.”

“We’ve heard about you,” Logans mom beams, charmed already. “Only good things of course.”

“Relieved to hear it.” Alex glowing, he shoots Logan a teasing look before turning the full force of his attention on his parents. “I only have the best things to say about your son as well.”

“Oh, that’s so sweet of you.” His mom gushes and Logan groans, wanting to hide his face in his hands. Dalton is already giggling at him.

“Such a gentleman,” Alex continues, barely keeping his face serious against the laughter bubbling under the surface. Why does Alex have to be so damn charming?

“Well, hello, Logan told me you guys would be stopping by.” James sudden appearance almost makes Logan leap out of skin. He struggles to keep his expression happy, as he team principle shakes his family’s hands. He has his friendly smile and warm persona firmly in place thankfully. “Happy to welcome you to Williams.”

“Happy to be here. Our pleasure to meet you again James.”

“The pleasure is mine, I’m sure.” Alex steps away from where James and his parents are standing leaning in to whisper into Logan’s ear.

“I think your mom has a crush on our boss.” Logan kicks Alex’s shin, only making him laugh. Unfortunately, he’s right, because his mom is blushing and his dad is starting to lead them away.

“Have a good race,” Dalton tells him firmly, pulling him into a surprising hug before following his parents out.

“That was nice of your parents to come by to support you,” James says as he comes towards him. He places his hand on Logan’s shoulder as he guides him away, Alex taking the opportunity to flee back to his driver’s room. “Make sure you don’t let this being a home race and your family being here change anything. Don’t put any added pressure of your shoulders, that only causes drivers to make stupid mistakes.”

“I won’t,” Logan promises, already knowing he’s failed at this endeavor. He feels the weight of every fan and family member like a brick on his shoulders.

"Keep it clean." James pats his shoulder before walking away. Logan rubs the front of his chest, his ribcage feeling a bit tight around his lungs.

Keep it clean.

~

He doesn’t crash out but that is about the only positive he can draw from the weekend. He ends up in P20. Dead last. The worst. The slowest.

People have called him rapid and talented his whole life but now up against actual talent he looks like cheap hack. He dismisses his family with quick hugs and excuses. He knows they’ll see the darkness in his eyes and the wobble to his lips. He can’t pretend that he isn’t feeling the defeat yet.

Someone always has to come in last so it might as well be him, right? The car is not doing him any favors but it tastes like an excuse on his tongue. James looks disappointed when he beelines to his driver’s room, a downward twist to his expressive face. Worse than James’s disapproval though is the look of pity on Gaetan’s face.

He closes the drivers room door behind himself, grateful for the shield from the rest of the world. He leans against the door and clicks the lock. He clenches his fists so tight his nails bite into the palms of his hands. The pain feels deserved but it doesn’t lessen the tide of emotions. His eyes burn wet and clenches them closed. What a fucking loser he is to be coming in last then crying about it like a child.

He swallows down his tears with steel determination. He doesn’t deserve to cry about something that is no one’s fault but his own. He needs to go face the team, apologize for his lack of result, and find a way to be better next time. There has to be something useful in the data. A way he can deconstruct his struggles into something he can use.

Formula 1 cars are so advanced and their sensors give them so much information. There has got to be something there. The ache is already setting in, in his skull. No headache will be enough to dissuade him.

He washes the sweat off quickly before dressing and heading back out. He has no reason to be hiding in his driver’s room anyway. He needs to be a team player.

“Alright, let’s review the data yeah?” He approaches his engineers. They look weary when they see him but they nod and light up the screens. When Alex walks by behind him he gives Logan a pat on the back but doesn’t stop or interrupt him. He appreciates that he knows this isn’t the time. He doesn’t want comfort; he wants to make it right.

~

The next race weekend is the classic Monaco Grand Prix. He has avoided talking to his family mostly though Alex had worn him down with endless memes. He didn’t want to risk hurting the man’s feelings anyway. Not when he was so endlessly kind. Alex lives in Monaco like most Formula 1 drivers do. Logan hasn’t made the move yet himself, the place is extremely expensive and he doesn’t want to make that kind of financial commitment when his future is uncertain.

He doesn’t even know if he will be racing next year.

It is weird to see how at home the rest of the drivers are here. To see them all in this shared element, he isn’t a part of. Not the French drivers of course, since they can’t evade taxes by moving here like the rest of them can.

“Isn’t the city beautiful?” Alex asks as he leads Logan towards an overlook. They can see over the harbor; the water is sparkling blue and the sky clear above. The water is littered with yachts and boats of all sorts. The whole city is almost unbearably congested, every porch and rooftop set up to watch the race.

“It is very pretty.” It is fancy and exclusive; it doesn’t feel like the type of place he should be allowed to be.

“I still miss living in the UK though.” Alex admits, even as he stares out at the beautiful scene before them. “It’ll always be home, you know?”

“Sure.” Logan had felt that way about Florida when he was younger but recently when he’s gone back the connection feels faint, barely there at all. He does feel pretty at home in the United Kingdom but he is an outsider there as well. People often hear one word from his mouth and assume he is a tourist.

“Everything okay?” Alex asks. He doesn’t make it sound like it’s a burden to ask, as if he genuinely cares. It feels good but dangerous.

“Yeah, everything is fine.” He sighs, trying to draw himself out of his introspective mood and not worry Alex needlessly. “You and George live in the same building, right?”

“Yes!” Alex is smiling again; he always found his way back to happiness quickly like that. He turns around eagerly pointing the direction of his building. “That one right there!” Logan can’t tell at all which building he is actually pointing at but smiles and nods.

“How long ago did you move here?” When does a driver truly feel safe in their career finally? It seems like such a faraway goal.

“Oh, pretty recently actually. I wasn’t sure I wanted to live so far from my parents but living near George makes it easier.” He shrugs, a soft warm smile on his face. “I don’t think I’d have the balls to move to another country if I didn’t know anyone else there.”

“I did that when I was like 12,” Logan laughs. Perhaps that is why he feels untethered, with no real connections or home.

“Fucking ballsy, mate.” Alex grins at him. “Oscar did the same right?”

“Yep. That’s how we became friends I guess.”

“Aw,” Alex tilts his head, “aren’t you two so cute!” Logan can’t help how his face flushes pink and he swats Alex away.

“We aren’t even that close anymore,” he rolls his eyes, impressing himself with how he manages to sound like he doesn’t care. They still text and talk but it’s only natural now that they both have very outgoing teammates to consume their time.

“You can always reach out more,” Alex suggests looking concerned. “You can invite him out with me and George. It’s good to keep contact with your friends, Logie.”

“I know,” it isn’t a terrible idea actually. Perhaps Oscar would be willing to do something with them all. With Oscar there, if they played padel, at least he wouldn’t be the worst one. “Maybe I will.”

“Good.” Alex apparently satisfied, leads him back towards William’s. Sometimes Logan feels a little like Alex’s little brother, following him place to place. He doesn’t know why he makes so much time and effort for him but he would be completely lost here without him. He would probably be following Oscar around forcing himself where he isn’t wanted. No matter how awkward and unworthy he feels, Alex never makes him feel unwanted. “Would you want to come see my place this weekend?”

“Come see your place?” Logan’s baffled, Alex is inviting him over?

“Sure, why not? You might be looking for a place here someday too after all!” Alex winks at him, clearly excited at the idea. Logan can’t help but to doubt, he doesn’t even have a seat for next year but it is a nice thought. “Plus, you can meet my cats! You’re always having to hear about them.”

“Okay,” Logan laughs, feeling lighter. “I would love to. I like cats.”

“Great!” He whips out his phone, already flipping to the photo’s app. “They’re going to love you. You do seem like a cat’s kind of guy. Okay, so just so you know their names-“

Logan has seen all of Alex’s cat’s before and knows most of their names already but he listens attentively. He knows the cats are like his kids, so he won’t hold his enthusiasm and love for him against him. Alex has so much heart and care for so many people and animals. He can’t not feel… endeared.

~

“This is my door!” Alex tells him dramatically, Logan plays along, seriously taking in the wooden apartment door that looks the same as all the others. Alex fits the key and pushes it open. “Come on in; welcome to my humble abode!”

“Thank you very much,” Alex’s apartment looks a lot like he imagined it would. Various projects and random hobby supplies, a cat tree, and more colorful furniture than Logan himself has. But he has been told his taste in décor is boring.

“The cats will come out once we settle in,” Alex explains as he leads them in. “They always hide when someone new comes in.”

“Looks like a nice place.” But, not all that much nicer than his apartment in the UK though he’s sure Alex pays ten times more to live here.

“Thank you, I like it. This is my kitchen! Where art takes place of course,” He grins widely, “Would you like some water? I could make us something to eat. I always look forward to an opportunity to share my creations with someone!”

“Okay, if you want…” he feels like a bit of burden but if Alex wants to, he is in no hurry to leave. Here in his apartment is quiet and cozy unlike the lively city around them.

“Make yourself at home!” Logan settles into a chair, to watch Alex cook. He hands Logan a glass of ice water and monologues as he cooks. He explains every step, talks about his cats, and even his childhood. He points out the photograph of him and George as kids held to the front of his fridge.

“You were a cute kid.” Logan laughs, looking a young nerdy George. “George looks the same somehow.”

“He really does in the face! He’s always had those big intense eyes! I’ve seen a picture of you as a kid karting, you were a scrawny little dude!”

“Not much has changed,” Logan laughs, he isn’t nearly as built or thick as a lot of the other drivers. But he is taller than a lot of the drivers; not Alex or George though.

“You do have a very slim body type,” Alex agrees nodding. “Let me invite George up to eat?”

“Sure?” Logan feels it’s a bit silly for him to ask if he can invite his best friend to his own apartment but he does appreciate the consideration.

“He loves my cooking.” Alex explains, proudly.

“I expect to be impressed then,” Logan teases but Alex doesn’t back down at all, eyes laughing.

“You will be, American boy.”

There isn’t a knock at a door, George lets himself in as if he lives there. Alex welcomes him with a bright smile.

“Hey, Logan.” George gives him an awkward little wave. Logan wonders if Alex enjoys going around adopting awkward introverts.

“George.” He fiddles with his glass of water. “Alex says you love his cooking? Is he overhyping himself?”

“Hey!” Alex shouts indignantly.

“He’s pretty good.” George laughs.

“Is it a work of art?”

“I don’t know about that…”

“You’re un-invited,” Alex slaps George’s shoulder with his kitchen hand towel.

“Too late, you’re not getting rid of me now.” George sits down beside Logan as Alex serves them all a plate of food. It does smell good but when he bites in it’s a little spicier than his personal preference.

“You like it?” Alex asks, eyebrows raised and the corner of his mouth twitching.

“It’s good!” Logan gushes, but his face is growing pink and he can feel the start of sweat beading under his skin.

“Not too spicy?” Alex probes, he is barely restraining his smile now.

“Nope.” He gulps at the glass of water and both other guests giggle at him.

“Good. Glad to hear it, Sarge.”

~

The next few races eat away at everything that defines him as a man. He is last, dead fucking last, every damn time. He is last across in Monaco, last across in Spain, last across in Canada. Every time he climbs out of the car, parking at the back it’s harder to meet anyone’s eyes. It’s harder to pretend this is just a learning curve.

The pressure to accomplish something more weighs heavier and heavier. It is on his mind every moment of every day. He digs through his data and reviews his race lines with the engineers. Alex shares his data and advice with him without reserve. Alex who always puts at least several cars between him and Logan.

It would all be too much to bear without him. He is never stops trying to make Logan laugh, he cuts off anyone who is making a rude comment, and tells Logan to not beat himself up. Tells Logan he will figure it out and he manages to sound like he really means it. He still seeks out Logans company even when he must be miserable to spend time with. He makes his other friends spend time with Logan too.

Logan has the good fortune of having Kyle and Oscar as friends as well. They’re both kind and patient and competitive. But they’re both busy in their own circles and careers. Alex and him are beside each other all the time. The other man has become his bouy in the storm of Formula 1. He’s never needed someone’s positivity and support as much as he needs it now.

Chapter Text

Logan is lying in the dark, he can’t see much of anything, the room only lit by a low glow from the bathroom. He is so zoned into the sound of the ceiling fan it is almost as if he is in a trance. He is floating above the mattress and within the waves of air. He knows he’s not alone and it is a comfortable feeling. How could he be so vulnerable and comfortable with someone else present? But he is.

Fingers warm, soft, and familiar touch his palm and slide up his arm. They are gentle on the underside of his arm, sending tingles through his body. The bed dips beside and around his body as someone climbs over him. They are only a figure in the dark.

He reaches out for them, they let him draw them in, warm lips meeting his own. A low moan joining his own.

“Logie,” Alex whispers down to him, they’re so close when their lips finally pull apart. His large dark warm brown eyes are staring down into his own and are undressing him even further despite him already being in the nude. “You’re so beautiful.”

“Lex,” His fingers twists into the man’s short thick hair. A knee nudges his thighs apart and he spreads them easily. He is almost vibrating with excitement; needing him closer. “Touch me.”

“I’ll touch you,” thick warm lips kissing down his jaw and neck. His fingers hot on his arm and side.

“Lex,” Logan’s eyes snap open into the dark of his hotel room. He is breathing heavily, and a damp with sweat under his sheets. He is achingly hard against his leg. He sits up and blinks a bit in disbelief. He feels too awkward to actually touch himself. Had he just had a wet dream about his teammate?

He checks his phone and it’s only 4:30 AM in the morning. He must have fallen asleep thinking about Alex, in the terms of friendships… and his subconscious got wires crossed.

It’s not that he has never thought about men in a sexual way before because he has. But it’s not been often and usually about celebrities. He has tried not to let himself think that way about the men he is around in his life. Being male athletes like he and his friends are they have to be comfortable being physical with each other and undressing around each other. He has never wanted to be looking at someone sexually when they were trusting him not to be.

Despite feeling tired he climbs to his feet and goes to the bathroom. He turns the shower on and turns the water cool. He groans and drops his head against the tile. He is mortified.

Alex is so kind and friendly with him. He really enjoys his company and finds comfort in his presence. He’s been a good friend and thinks very highly of him. Genuinely he is an excellent racer, kind person, and respectable man. He would like to be more like him. He would like to be with him.

Fuck.

~

The next time he’s stepping into Williams, there is embarrassment coiled burning under his chest. As if somehow Alex will look at him and know he had a wet dream about him. Alex is waiting for him as always, his face brightening with a broad smile when he sees him. His brown eyes are so warm and welcoming, just as he had dreamed them.

“Hey Lex,” he steps closer, holding his body stiffly.

“Hey Loges,” Alex slaps him back good-naturedly. The ease and casualness of which he touches him… “Everything okay?” Logan almost winces, he needs to do better acting normal.

“Yep, everything is good. We have a meeting soon, right?”

“Right,” Alex nods, an odd twitch to his mouth. He eyes wander away and across the room quickly. There is nothing obviously off about his demeanor but Logan gets the feeling something is off.

They head into the office. Engineers and other Williams employees are setting up their computers and organizing their papers. The pre-race weekend setup, usually has been the source of great excitement for him but now it is tainted with a sense of dread. What new humiliation and frustration waits for him this time?

“Thank you for coming everyone,” James says as he steps into the room. It is his usual start to the meeting and he’s reading the ipad in his hands as he talks. “I hope we are all looking forward to the race this week.”

Logan tries not to slouch into his chair and look invested despite the repetitiveness of it all.

“As we have discussed, we have some upgrades we are trying on the car this weekend,” one of the head engineers starts when James prompts. Logan tries not to show anything on his face, he hasn’t heard anything about his car being different…

“We only have enough money to try it on one car this week unfortunately.” James cuts in, he is looking directly at Logan. He doesn’t meet his team principles eyes and stares somewhere over his shoulder instead.

“Alex,” the engineer starts again, shooting James a look he can’t be bothered to identify. Something like annoyance perhaps. “We will need continuous feedback; as much as possible.”

“Of course,” Alex agrees, enthusiasm is lacking from his voice. Logan can feel him glancing over to look at him where he is sitting next to him. Logan doesn’t look back and tries to disconnect his face from his feelings. It doesn’t matter that Alex and his car will always come first. He already has a more advanced car than him and he has more experience anyway.

“If everything goes well, we will update the second car as soon as possible,” James adds unnecessarily. Logan clenches his hands into the sides of his thighs, hidden by the arms of the chair from most of the room’s occupants. They have been struggling to even repair the car to a drivable state yet alone getting it up to date. “As you all know, investors are still short and finances are a concern. Unfortunately, of course.”

Logan nods silently. He knows James wants him to seem more enthusiastic as he is screwed over. Despite his struggles and rookie status, some of the few sponsors they have are here for him. His being an American has brought multiple companies to the team. It doesn’t matter anyway, it’s his choice to depend on the driver he believes in more.

“We appreciate your patience and being a team player, Logan.” His thick deep voice once sounded fatherly and kind but now grates his nerves. Alex slides his hand under the chairs arm rests and his fingers find Logan’s wrist. His palm is warm and he squeezes his arm tightly.

“’course.” He manages without sounding too upset. He still refuses to meet James eyes; he thinks he wants to see the upset in his eyes and won’t give him the satisfaction.

The meeting seems to drag on forever from that point. He hears them discussing the upgrade and possible benefits and weaknesses. It makes him feel angry, it burns behind his eyes. It’s the kind of righteous anger that makes him feel like a child again. He wants to be relieved from the room since his car will not be receiving the upgrade anyway but knows he is expected to stay to be a ‘team player’.

When James finally brings the meeting to a close, he can’t jump to his feet quick as possible. He wants to flee to his driver’s room to catch his emotional feet.

“Logan, please hang back for a second.” James calls out and he has to close her eyes in dread.

“Do you want me to stay?” Alex asks, not stepping away from Logan as everyone else filters out of the room.

“No, thank you, Alex.” James smiles at him politely. Alex, looks over at Logan and they make eye contact. He can see sympathy but also guilt there. Logan, tries to smile to reassure him and the older man leaves reluctantly.

“Yes, James.” Logan, can’t help how exhausted he sounds as he turns back to the man.

“You know I regret that we can’t give you both the same car.” James sounds pitying but he has a hard time believing anymore. “It is not the way I want to run things but we have to embrace our best opportunity to get the team points.”

“Right. I know.” He’s not the team’s best chance to achieve points. He doesn’t need to be told over and over.

“Please, don’t hold it against, Alex.” James continues, he is studying Logan’s face and he struggles to hide his reactions.

“Of course, not.” He knows the other driver would rather they have the same car. He is placed in an uncomfortable situation by the team as much as Logan is being placed in an impossible one.

“Keep your head up.” James says, sounding a bit defeated. He isn’t sure what the man had been wanting from him but obviously he hasn’t provided. “You can go.”

“Thanks.” Logan flees the room and can finally breath when he closes the door behind himself.

Alex is lingering in the hall outside, looking painfully awkward and uncomfortable.

“What did he have to say?”

“The usual.” Logan shrugs, just wanting away.

“I’m sorry, Logan.” Alex says quietly, as if worried about being overheard. He probably is, James would probably unhappy to hear his star driver apologizing to Logan.

“Not your fault.” He doesn’t hang around to reassure Alex any further. He escapes to his driver’s room and locks the door behind himself. His is both filled with anxious energy and exhausted dread. Something about being continuously contorted into miserable positions.

He wants to vent and rave but he can’t to Alex. It isn’t fair when it will cause him to feel even more guilt. The situation isn’t his fault. He is the more practiced and skilled driver. Williams and James love Alex; as they should. So does Logan. He wishes they would have the same faith and loyalty towards him but he hasn’t earned it.

How can he earn it when they won’t give him the chance?

He sits heavily in his chair and massages his jaw; it is hurting from how hard he has been holding it clenched. He picks up his phone and texts Oscar.

“How are things going at Mclaren?

Looking good for the upcoming week?”

Aussie Osc

“Okay. Looking good. You?”

Logan huffs a laugh. He still texts a little like an old man despite being chronically online. He knows he prefers to talk to people face to face but he can’t bear to be seen right now. Especially if he is going to actually talk about what is bothering him.

“Fucked. James hates me now.”

Aussie Osc

“Still being weird and distant?”

“Yes. And the fake pity.

As if he doesn’t make the decisions.”

Aussie Osc

“What did he do now?”

“They have an upgrade for Alex’s car.”

Aussie Osc

“Only Alex’s car?”

“Yes.”

Aussie Osc

“That’s fucked. I’m sorry.

Mclaren likes Lando more but they’d never do that.”

“Seriously!!

I like you more than Lando XD”

Aussie Osc

“I like you more than Alex lol”

“Idk he’s pretty great tbh”

Aussie Osc

“So is Lando

But still.

…

Hope the upgrade sucks.”

“Don’t be mean!”

Logan can’t help but laugh. He has always found Oscar’s subtle and dry humor funny. It feels good just to know someone who isn’t burdened by guilt is in his corner. He knows he needs to put the mask back on and get back out there with the team. It is tiresome to having to continuously be undermined and doubted but pretend to not to be affected. He would think anyone in his situation would be feeling impacted.

~

Alex gets a couple points and he once again, does not. The media asks if Williams is getting tired of his not accomplishing anything. They make him stare down the cameras under the lights and answer if he feels like a disappointment. His media manager tells him David Coulthard was making fun of him on international television.

It is fine, it doesn’t matter.

He hears the team talking about how the upgrade was a success when he enters the garage. He loathes how he tastes resentment in his mouth, he shouldn’t be feeling this way. He wants to be purely happy for Alex and to not poison the garage.

He spots Alex and is drawn towards him helplessly.

“Lex,” he greets him and he turns with Logan with an eager smile. He spreads his arm and he pulls Logan in. He feels warm and solid against him. “Great job today, man!”

“Thank you, Loges!” He keeps hugging him and almost rocking them in joy. The garage is a happy buzz all around them and he smiles genuinely against Alex’s strong shoulder. He does feel happy for Alex. He is special and deserves good things.

“You deserve it.” Alex looks fond when they pull apart, no one else in the room matters for a second.

“Alex! Great Race!” James congratulates, Logan shrinks away and slips across the room thankfully unnoticed. He can see James smiling broadly as he talks to Alex. He irrationally wants Alex’s attention and happiness all for himself. It isn’t for him to keep though so he looks away.

After a quick debrief he is able to hide in his driver’s room and wash the race off of himself. He can wash off the sweat but he can’t wash away the disappointment. There is a quick series of knocks on the door.

“Hey logie!” Alex is still in good spirits when he answers his door. He’s also washed and changed into his street clothes. “Want to sneak out of here before James catches us?” Logan laughs and is quick to follow him out. Maybe by the next race they will be able to upgrade his car as well. Now that the race weekend is over, he can pretend to be hopeful till the next.

There are a few drivers lingering around talking and waiting to leave. George, Zhou, Max, Lando, Oscar, Charles, and Pierre. He follows Alex over towards them though he would usually sneak past without a word. Alex goes straight to where George and Zhou are talking. Logan follows at his feet without engaging anyone.

Oscar is deep in conversation with Lando and Max about something. Despite Oscar mostly listening and nodding he can tell he is deeply invested and doesn’t want to interrupt.

“GEORGE! ALEX!” Lando calls waving brightly. Oscar smiles and laughs at his antics. “We are going out drinking!” he singsongs, “we are all going! Come on you two!”

“With you?” George says, with a faked look of disgust. Lando rolls his eyes and laughs. “Alright, we will go. I could use a night out.” Logan can see Alex is already texting someone his plan to go out. He has never been the one for partying particularly and he hasn’t been invited anyway. He steps a bit further away and checks his phone to see about setting up a ride to the hotel, not wanting to inconvenience Alex now that he has plans.

As everyone discusses their plans and start to leave. Alex startles and turns back towards him. He is smiling but looks confused. He reaches out grabbing Logans shoulder and pulling him forward.

“Come on, Logan.” He sounds completely casual as if Logan was always going to come along. As if he is usually invited along to these sorts of things. “What are you doing? Do you want to go to the hotel and get changed first or are you good?”

“I’m good.” He isn’t dressed very well but he is surprised to even be coming along. He’s not going to make Alex go out of the way. He follows Alex to their ride; he is sharing with George and Alex apparently. It’s not very surprising, they are usually a pair.

They arrive at a club and the atmosphere is already intoxicated and lively. Across a crowd of people, he spots Oscar following Lando in, similarly to how he is following Alex. Thank goodness for their extroverted friends.

The bartender makes him a rum and coke. Overpriced and under poured compared to some of the places he’s been before but that’s how clubs usually are. The pricier and fancy the establishment; the stingier they are with the liquor. At least the drink is easy to chug like this. Alex has drifted away talking with Lando and George somewhere.

Logan watches people all around dancing, talking, and drinking. The music is vibrating through him and pleasant. He finishes the first drink and gets a second. At some point, hopefully the alcohol will loosen him up enough to dance and have fun tonight.

“You having fun tonight?” a random woman asks him, she’s leaning against the bar, too drunk to stand on her own. Her hair is messy and eyes drooping, showing her perfect flashy makeup. She is blond, slim, and dressed in a little black dress. He should look at her but he is still thinking about Alex off somewhere in the crowd.

“It’s good. How about you?”

“Great!” She laughs, “you looked lonely. Are you here by yourself?” He has to lean in close to tell what she is saying over the all the noise. Especially since her words are slurring.

“No,” he laughs but looking around her doesn’t recognize anyone. “My friend is here… somewhere.”

“Ohhh,” she looks around the crowd as well as if she would know who he is looking for. “I hope you find her!” He knows she’s trying to find out if he has a girl here. He doesn’t want this to go anywhere though. He doesn’t want to sleep with some random pretty girl. She is very pretty and seems sweet but… he wants to something different.

He wants to be the smaller one. He came imagine it now, a larger warm body pressing him down in the mattress. Heat and passion.

“Yeah, I hope so.” He agrees mildly before ordering another drink. He leaves the bar, not wanting to talk to someone he doesn’t know anymore. Max is out on the dance floor; his shirt is partly unbuttoned and drinking. He looks different from how he does at the track; he looks messy and carefree.

He kind of wants to head out there and dance with him. To feel like that too. He doesn’t know Max very well though. Not well enough he would attempt something like that.

“You get lost?” George asks from behind him, almost startling him into spilling his drink. He does feel a bit grateful to be with George again.

“A little.” Logan laughs, and gratefully following George to where Alex is waiting. He is drinking and smiling.

“LOGIE BEAR!!” Alex cheers, beckoning them over even faster. Logan sits between George and Alex, the alcohol sinking in now. He feels good, the endless frustration and exhaustion from the year feels farther away now. Less important. Right now, he is here with Alex and it is fun.

~

Logan continues to try not thinking about Alex in a way deeper than friendship. Tries not to notice how he is finding Alex sexually attractive. There are more dreams… they linger in the back of his mind and he makes himself anxious that somehow Alex will know. He is worried that he is going to ruin their friendship with this.

They are sitting on a couch talking and watching television. It’s casual and comfortable, they try to be positive and casual when away from the race track. Not much is happy or going well there.

Alex reaches over while laughing at a joke, he grabs and squeezes his thigh. His fingers are inches from Logan’s crotch. He feels his breath catch in his chest and heat flare through his body. Alex doesn’t seem to notice what he has done at all. He simply falls back into the couch and moves his hands back to his own lap.

His breath is trembling and his mouth is dry. He feels an irrational desire to climb into the older man’s lap and press their bodies together. His hand was so warm, large and strong. He touches Logan so easily, seemingly without thought. No one has ever been so physically affectionate with him before.

He excuses himself as soon as possible and slinks back to his room. His dick is already half hard in his pants and has been since Alex touched his thigh. He locks the door and collapses onto the end of the bed. He pulls off his shoes and shucks off his pants. He hasn’t crossed this boundary before; promised himself he wouldn’t.

But, would Alex even really care? He slips his hand under the band of his boxers and wraps it around himself. He releases a deep breath, instantly feeling his dick coming alive in his palm. He closes his eyes and the image of it being Alex’s hand instead of his own comes to him without any effort. The pulling heat in between his thighs comes on fast. He wants Alex so badly, wants to be wanted by him.

“Lex, Lex, please,” he begs into the empty room as he brings himself to completion.

Logan stares at the ceiling, his spunk cooling in his hand. He is a bad friend. They’d been laughing and Alex’s touch had been innocent. Right? No one has ever grabbed his thigh innocently before. He does wonder sometimes if Alex’s friendliness passes the barriers of normal friendship sometimes.

He is grateful for his warmth and kindness. He wants more of him still. Alex never seems to have enough of him either or get tired of him. Is it possible he wants Logan too? He has been told he’s pretty before but he doesn’t even know if Alex likes men sexually…

There are too many unknowable factors. All he knows is that he is increasingly captivated with his teammate. He consumes more and more of his thoughts and desires. Alex continues to welcome him further into his life. Into his affection. He wants more still.

~

Another race that hasn’t gone well. He spun out and fucked the car. He had seen the annoyance on the mechanics faces in the garage. He feels sick to his stomach and wishes he could punch himself in the face. He had felt the car slipping but it was too late.

He hadn’t gotten any of the upgrades. He is sure he won’t be any time soon now.

He takes as long as possible to wander to the media pen, dreading their questions and rhetoric. The camera flashes burn and the chatter scrapes down his spine like claws. The questions are as he expects.

“You must be disappointed with your result this weekend.”

“Is there any hope for the next Grand Prix?”

“Has there been any discussion within the team about if you will be keeping your seat for the rest of the season?”

Logan shoves his hands into his jackets pockets to hide that they’re clenched into tight fists. His finger nails bite painfully into his palms. He sees Alex step up to talk to the reporter next to him. His race suit tied around his waist and face sweaty for the race. He has a polite expression and is nodding along to the questions. He looks handsome in the lights.

Logan can barely pay attention to the question his reporter is asking him, transfixed by the handsome man next to him.

“Do you think you will have a new teammate at some point in the season.” Alex’s face immediately twists into distaste despite his effort to remain professional.

“No. I won’t be entertaining discussion about that.” He shakes his head and has a tension to his jaw. “This is Logan’s first year in the sport. It’s a car that we are still figuring out. All this speculation is ridiculous.”

Logan ducks his face to hide his blush. Despite not saying anything rude, Alex’s voice has been as sharp as he has ever heard it. To defend him. Alex has defended him more thoroughly than he had defended himself. He is tired of defending himself, it is nice to have someone else do it for once.

Logan leaves the media pen, chains tight around his heart. He wants to hug Alex. He wants to kiss him.

Chapter Text

He hugs Alex closer to his chest. They are lying in bed, his face burrowed into the back of his neck. Alex is holding his hand against his chest, his thumb stroking back and forth over the back of his hand. Under his fingertips he can feel his strong heart beating calmly.

The sun is just starting to rise through the window but he does not want to get up anytime soon. He wants to lay here with Alex for hours.

“Are you awake?” Alex whispers, he can tell he smiling just from his voice.

“No.” Logan whispers back with a giggle. ‘Don’t leave’ he wants to beg, ‘don’t ask me to get up and face the world’.

“Oh, okay.” Alex laughs in return, his body shaking in Logans arms. “I’ll wait till you wake up then.”

“Good.” Logan is happy here.

The sun is irritating in his eyes and he groans as he looks away. The bed is cold and there is no one else in the room. The dream had felt so real and comforting. He has never had a dream like that before. It hadn’t been sexual or sensual at all but intimate and comforting.

Logan has gotten used to having sexual dreams about Alex and even fantasizing about him. But this… he shouldn’t be having dreams about holding him and being held by him.

It hurts, how much he wants it to be reality. He is lying in bed now too but it is nothing like the dream. There is no comfort or love here. Just an aching want in his heart.

Alex is the sun; unlike anyone he has ever known and better than he deserves. But Alex doesn’t seem to think he is too good for Logan. At least not in the realm of friendship.

He can’t help but to wonder if Alex may like him romantically in return. As unlikely as it is, it’s impossible to not fantasize about.

This time he has spent driving in Formula 1 chasing his dreams has been difficult and trying unlike anything he has ever experienced before. Alex has been the best part of this whole experience. He has watched Alex driving for years, the other always ahead and better than him. He still is but now they’re closer than he ever would have dreamed.

He's never liked someone before how he likes Alex.

Logan has never planned on telling Alex anything about his feelings. There is simply too much at risk. Them both being drivers in a sport not yet safe for homosexuals and them both working on the same team. It would be stupid to attempt it even if they do both feel the same way. Which he does not know if Alex does or not.

It could only end in heartbreak or controversy. With how his career is going up in flames he should really be focused on that.

He doesn’t want to think about how his team favors their lead driver though. He doesn’t want to think about James snide comments and cold distance. He doesn’t want to think about the commentators laughing at his misfortune and the media questioning his belonging.

Every facet of his life reminds him, his entire existence is centered around racing and always has been. Everything he has always loved is colored in stress, guilt, and failure.

Logan against his better judgement lets himself think about Alex. He lets himself seek him out and lean on his support. Alex who is quickly becoming his closest friend and confident. He is his main reason for smiling and trying to find something to believe in most days. He isn’t sure he can do this whole circus without him. Doesn’t want to.

He lets himself imagine that Alex actually likes him back. That they steal kisses in their drivers’ rooms and sneak into each other’s hotel rooms after everyone else is asleep for the night. That Alex sits beside him in bed and makes hilarious commentary on whatever they are watching. It hurts so good to imagine it could be real. Feels like when blood comes rushing back in burning hot after circulation has been cut off for too long.

~

They are filming a new Team Torque video today for their social media team. They are setting up cameras all and fiddling about with lights. Alex looks relatively comfortable in front of the cameras. Logan knows he looks wooden and obviously awkward. He wipes his palms off on his jeans, already clammy with sweat.

“The people just can’t get enough of us,” Alex whispers, leaning over the arm of his chair towards Logan. “We are insightful.”

“Right.” Logan laughs, he can believe that about Alex. He has charm and humor at least. “Half the comments are just going to be ‘fix the car’.”

“Good. I’m getting tired of having to say it.” Alex grouches, looking back towards the cameras to make sure they aren’t being recorded yet. Logan understands the feeling all too well. They have to keep appearances but they both know they’ve not been given a car that can accomplish much. Logan’s even less so than Alex’s.

“I thought I would start getting used to being in front of the cameras eventually.” Logan admits, leaning in closer to Alex now.

“You’re getting better,” Alex assures him, with a small private smile. He isn’t sure he believes him but he appreciates the kindness anyway.

“I’m awkward.” Logan laughs quietly.

“We can’t all be naturals like George,” Alex concedes. George is also awkward but there is no denying he has his own form of strange charisma.

“You’re pretty good at it too.” Alex is always the one carrying the conversation forward.

“I just like talking more,” Alex disagrees. “But you have the pretty looks. So, we both bring something to the table.”

“Oh, my job is just to sit here and look pretty?” Logan laughs, hating how he can feel his face starting to get warm. Does Alex actually think he is pretty?

“You know it,” Alex nods eagerly shaking with laughter. “Just be my pretty side piece, American boy.” He wishes he really could be Alex’s… But Alex is just joking around as friends, right?

“Okaaayy… English boy?”

“Oh,” Alex laughs cringing visibly. “That is weird!”

~

Another terrible race, his race engineer gives him a bad strategy and the pit crew make a slow pit stop. He’s at the very back. His feet feel like led as he climbs out of the car. It’s like being trapped in a nightmare, no matter what he tries, he keeps having to relive the same shit over and over again.

He gets a few encouraging pats on the back from other drivers but he doesn’t look up from his feet to see who. He gets weighed by the FIA official, he got zero points anyway so it hardly matters if he stays qualified or not. Despite how his effort has not paid off, he has put his complete effort into driving the car as he does every weekend. His muscles are sore and race suit sticking to him with sweat.

He heads to the media pen, his media handler waiting in the wings and sliding in beside him with easy practice.

“Just the usual today,” she tells him quietly. “Focus on the importance of learning and moving forward and getting information for future development; not current race results.”

“I know, thank you.” He nods, its worn routine by now. To try to deflect the media’s probing questions and stay focused on some positive future he may not even be a part of.

No one has made it any secret it’s very likely he is here helping develop a car he will never get to drive.

The reporters and flashes don’t break through his defenses today despite how tightly he is holding everything together. He keeps his face carefully blank and his voice unreadable. His media manager never looks displeased out of the corner of his eye so he must be doing okay. He can see Max a few feet away answering questions, face flushed and smile wide. They question him about the championship and whatever record he broke this weekend.

They stand here only feet apart, more alike than they are different, doing the same job but they might as well be on different worlds. When Logan had been a kid, his brother had given up karting so Logan’s parents could continue to fund his dream. He had traveled across the world and had never been afraid to say he was chasing being world champion someday.

Now it would feel like blasphemy on his lips. He is one of only 20 drivers in the world to be blessed enough to drive in Formula 1. Yet the World Drivers Championship had seemed more achievable when he was nine than it does now.

His face shows nothing at all and his eyes are hollow. He won’t give the world satisfaction of watching him break. Not when the reporters are hungry for it; sharks smelling out blood in the water.

He goes back to his driver’s room and changes. He moves in habit without much thought or feeling at all. He is just tired and needs to get back to the hotel and sleep before the flight tomorrow morning. The endless commuting and time change is enough to exhaust even the healthiest young adult.

It's not anyone’s lack of faith, it’s not any of the probing questions, or even the team’s unspoken disappointment. When he’s stepping outside Williams to find his way to the car, amongst some waiting fans he spots some dressed in the team’s blue colors. They’re waving at him, smiling brightly despite their results today, and one is holding an American flag despite her accent clearly being European.

He heads over to them and offers to sign something for them. The girls hold out a baseball cap and a book. He’s signs them with a sharpie and thanks them for their support. One reaches out of pats his shoulder comfortingly.

“We believe in you, Logan.” She tells him, “It’s only a matter of time! We are rooting for you!”

“Thank you,” he smiles and it’s real but choked. He has to turn and flee quicker than he came because he can’t control his expression anymore. He slips around a corner, carefully out of sight and hides his face in his hands.

He won’t let himself cry, despite how tears are burning at the back of his eyes he grinds his jaw and holds them down. His breath is choppy and broken, fingers pressing so hard into his eye sockets they hurt.

“Hey! I was looking for you,” Alex’s voice goes from enthusiastic to quiet in a second when he sees Logan is upset. He doesn’t open his eyes or pull his hands away to look at his teammate. He just needs a couple more minutes to compose himself. “Hey, it’s okay.” Alex’s voice is softer than he’s ever heard it and he’s pulled into a warm hug.

“I’m fine.” He tries to tell him. His voice isn’t exactly convincing.

“Mhm,” Alex doesn’t outright disagree with him but hugs him tighter. His arms are trapped against Alex’s chest. He moves his hands from his eyes just far enough to drop his face into the broad shoulder. Alex feels so warm against his face. He’s steady and warm. “You’re okay. You know, it’s okay to cry if you need to.”

Logan grunts when Alex squeezes him even tighter but the tears that had been so close are already gone.

“I’m okay,” he gently has to pry Alex off himself and pull away. Dark brown eyes are worried as they search over him for some sign of continued upset.

“Did something happen or is it just…” Alex gestures vaguely towards Williams.

“Yeah. Nothing happened.” Logan shrugs, looking away. He had hid hoping no one would see him so obviously upset. Already he worries the other drivers pity him. Alex just looks caring and concerned though.

“That’s still plenty,” Alex responds understandingly. They are all made of competitiveness. “You ready to head back to the hotel?”

“Yep,” Logan takes a deep breath and slowly lets it out, gathering his strength to step out of their little corner here. He only has to make it to the hotel and he can curl alone in bed finally. “Let’s go.”

To his surprise, Alex reaches his hand out, something unusually warm in his eyes. He is helpless to resist and takes the older man’s hand in his own. Alex leads him to the parking lot and towards their waiting car. Hand in hand.

Logan is struggling to stay awake in the back of the car. The crash down from intense emotions always knocks him off his feet.

“Almost there.” Alex whispers at some point. It’s comforting.

They’re staying in the same hotel thankfully. Alex insists on seeing him all the way back to his hotel room. When they make it to his hotel room door, Logan turns back towards him with a forced smile.

“Thank you, Alex. I’m okay now, I promise.” Alex has a frown at the corner of his mouth but he nods agreeably. He steps forward and pulls Logan into a hug and he hugs him back. He wishes he could invite Alex into his room and ask him to stay the night. He doesn’t want to let him go.

“Let me know if you need anything,” Alex pats his back before pulling away. Logan misses his warmth immediately.

“I will, Lex.”

His hotel room is empty and lonely. He misses the light and warmth from Alex already.

~

Logan needs to speak to someone about the intensity of the feelings that has been consuming him. Despite having been living in a Formula 1 bubble recently he can’t risk talking about it with anyone in it. Laying on his hotel bed he considers his options before dialing Kyle Kirkwood. They’ve been friends since forever but they haven’t spoken as often recently. He’s simply been too busy and miserable to want to talk to him.

“Kyle, I hope you aren’t busy.”

“Logan! Of course, not.” Kyle sounds relieved to hear from him. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah…” he can’t help how reluctant he sounds. Nothing is seriously wrong; his family is well and he is driving around the world. “Just have missed talking to you to be honest.”

“You’ve been busy as fuck,” Kyle chuckles, immediately excusing how distant he’s been. Logan is thankful they’ve always managed to keep their friendship through so many years.

“God, I have been.” Logan groans, sinking further back into the bed. “Life has been kicking my ass.”

“How is Williams treating you?” Kyle sounds prepared for bad news but Logan hasn’t called to rant about the car and team this time.

“The car could be better.” Logan snorts, they always watch each other’s races and Kyle has no doubt he knows how Logan has been struggling.

“Yeah,” Kyle laughs, “I was thinking you would say that.”

“I need your advice on something actually.” Logan chews his bottom lip anxious to even speak his feelings out loud. “Or to hear myself talk about it anyway.”

“Sure.” Kyle is definitely interested. “Lay it on me.”

“You know my team mate Alex?” Kyle makes a little noise of agreement so he continues. “We’ve been getting closer, I guess. As you know, this has been a… rough season. He is one of the nicest people I’ve ever met and is always trying to help make my day better.”

Kyle makes another little noise to let him know he’s listening, sounding a little knowing, already.

“I don’t know how but he never seems to get bored of me or annoyed with having to drag me around.” He sighs deeply, finding it impossible to find the words to describe Alex and his impact on him. “He’s different with me than anyone I’ve been friends with before.”

“You’re not a burden to spend time with,” Kyle scolds. “In what way is he different?”

“More… affectionate?”

“And this is at the root of the problem?”

“Maybe…” Logan feels unbelievably childish describing essentially a crush to his friend while lying in bed. “I’m confused about what he wants from me to be honest. Sometimes I think he could like me…”

“Do you like him?” Kyle obviously already knows the answer the question as he asks. Logan has to swallow to recover his voice.

“Yeah.”

“But you don’t know if he feels the same way back.”

“Right.” As mortifying as the whole situation is it does feel good to finally say it out loud. “I don’t even know for sure if he likes men that way.”

“Well, maybe you can start there?” Kyle suggests, “you can always try discussing sexual attraction with him?”

“How do I bring that up casually?” Logan laughs, “but, he might not be willing to tell me the truth anyway, if something like that gets out it would ruin his career.”

“If you really trust him, you can always… tell him about yourself.” It’s not a terrible idea. Alex is a good friend and he does trust him well. Maybe it would be worth the risk to expose his own vulnerability to him for the chance to be trusted in return.

“Is it worth it though?” Logan asks feeling insecure. “Even if he does feel the same way about me, we both could lose everything. And there’s a chance I’m being delusional anyway.”

“You deserve a chance to be happy,” Kyle answers softly and simply. Logan has to blink rapidly to not cry.

“Fuck,” Logan laughs, trying to shake away the more tense emotions. “I do want to try.” He wants to be happy with Alex.

~

The next time he’s at Williams he’s determined to somehow casually bring up sexualities in conversation. To somehow let it slip to Alex that he isn’t entirely straight. He has only ever been in relationships with or fooled around with women but he finds men attractive too. He isn’t the best at casual conversation period though yet alone trying to bring up something potentially sensitive without it being obvious.

Logan is stretched out in one of their uncomfortable office chairs, browsing on instragram to waste time before a meeting. He scrolls to a clip from starwars and leans towards Alex.

“Did you watch Starwars when you were growing up?”

“Yeah,” Alex laughs. “I would say, ‘who hasn’t’ but I’m pretty sure George has never seen it.”

“Princess Leia and Boba Fett were my crushes growing up, I think.” Logan surprises himself with his ability to keep smiling and not blush. Casual. Casual.

“I was a more into a Keira Knightly – Orlando Bloom type personally,” Alex laughs loudly, never even looking away from his own phone. Okay, he can work with that. Alex had listened a girl and a man too… that had to be promising right?

“The Pirates of the Caribbean movies were good.” Logan turns away, back to his own phone, smiling stupidly. “Not realistic sailing though.”

“I always forget you have random Florida talents!” Alex nudges the back of his chair almost sending it rolling across the room. “I’ve been boating more recently than you though; you should come with us next time!”

“I would like that.” He can imagine Alex stretched out across the deck of the boat, skin glistening in the sunlight. Logan loves the open waters and the wind in his hair; the world smelling of salt and freedom. “We can push George in again.”

“He Fell!”

~

It’s not until he’s watching the sun starting to rise outside his hotel window, scrolling through social media that he makes up his mind. He is looking through old photos he has saved of on his phone of their childhood home and his family, for when he is feeling lost.

His parents younger, tired but happy watching their kids play in the rain. His brother riding a three-wheeler past some Muscovy ducks. His mom holding him on her knee and some art project in the other hand. His dad asleep in his recliner, the dog and his brother laying across his legs.

Companionship. Family. It’s not perfect at all, it had been messy and stressful. But none of them had ever felt alone in it. Logan hadn’t known what being alone was until he’d left it all behind to race across the world in Europe. Family had gone from a constant, to people who just visited on occasion.

He wants someone to be with all the time again. He wants to not be planning and facing his life alone. Doesn’t want to be chasing his dreams alone and definitely is tired of going to his apartment alone at the end of it all. He wants his apartment to feel like a messy home. Wants someone to laugh with, cry with, and conspire with. There is no one he can imagine wanting it with more than Alex.

He is going to tell Alex. It’s a risk for sure. But nothing good happens without taking a risk first.

He trusts Alex and he’s never had another man be this way towards him before. He’s never had dreams like this about someone before. It must mean something.

He ends up scrolling online, looking up ideas on how to ask someone out, much to his mortification. He feels like a teenager again. Anxious but excited.

~

Logan wants to be somewhere private for the conversation but he doesn’t want to have it somewhere he can’t get away just in case… He decides his hotel room is good enough, he can always get another one if he has to. He gets flowers, cleans the room, gets candles so it smells nice, and orders food to be brought for dinner.

He has so much nervous energy he straightens the room dozens of times. He takes two showers and stares at himself in the mirror. He can’t believe he is going to really confess his feelings to his teammate. He has been mulling over his words and imagining every possible scenario.

Alex has already texted him back and said he would be there in the evening. He can only hope this is the beginning of a better season in his life. That something good can come from this stressful humiliating year.

Chapter Text

“Hey loges,” Alex greets when he answers the door for him. He is smiling and brought a case of beer with him. “Thanks for inviting me over. I was just going to drink and cry myself to sleep.”

“Of course, you were,” Logan rolls his eyes as he lets him inside. His heart is already pounding and Alex must notice the environment is nicer than usual. “I already called down for some food. It’ll be here soon. I hope steak is, okay?”

“Yeah, sounds good to me,” Alex agrees with a shrug though his face shows he’s wondering what the occasion is. “Thanks.”

“You brought beer?” Logan is desperate to keep the conversation flowing, unable to bear the silence he normally enjoys with how anxious he is.

“I hope you like this kind?” Alex holds it out and Logan grabs the case to stick in the fridge. Setting out two beers on the table, Logan checks the time, only a minute or two until the food should arrive.

“Did you have a good flight in?”

“Slept almost the whole way,” Alex shrugs settling into his chair. “Is there a special occasion?”

“Nope.” Logan knows he must look guilty but there really is no occasion aside from him liking Alex too much. “Just wanted to have a nice night.”

“Okay,” Alex laughs. “Keep your secrets then, Logie bear.”

“No secrets,” he sits across from Alex, face ducked to wait. “Is it really that strange for me to want to do something nice?”

“You’re always nice,” Alex playfully kicks him under the table. “You can spoil me whenever you want; I won’t mention it again.”

“Shut up,” Logan laughs, enjoying how fondly Alex is looking at him over the table.

He almost trips he jumps to his feet so fast when there is a knock at the door. They wheel in their dinners, two steak dinners with all the fixings. He’s eaten with Alex enough he knows how he orders his food so he doesn’t have to worry he won’t eat it. He tips the hotel staff generously and locks the door behind them.

“Here we go!” He serves with food with exaggerated effort but a genuine smile. Alex is grinning and laughing the whole time. Okay… everything is going well. He just has to keep his nerve.

“You got my steak order right,” Alex says sweetly. “Aw, you pay attention Loges.”

“Of course, I do.” Logan hides his smile behind the bottle as he takes a sip of his beer.

“You are in good spirits tonight,” Alex comments as he starts in on his dinner. “Are you feeling optimistic for the upcoming race?”

“Am I usually not in a good mood?” Teases Logan, knowing full well despite his best efforts to hide it Alex has seen how this season has been wearing him thin.

“Ah, I didn’t mean it like that,” Alex chuckles a little. “Jus’ this has been a BITCH of a season.”

“Yes, it has.”

“And everyone likes to give you a hard time because you’re too polite to be an ass about it.” Logan rolls his eyes but he knows it’s the truth. He can be too mellow and lets people get away with saying too much. He was raised to be polite and then he had been a lone kid in a world of grownups. This is how he has learned how to survive.

“Not you though,” Logan points out. Alex loves to tease but he has never once been cruel. “Or George.”

“George knows what it feels like to be picked on.” Alex points out, sidestepping the compliment.

“Lex,” Logan starts, feeling so nervous his stomach is almost rebelling. “If I told you something personal, would you keep it between just you and me?”

“Loges. Of course.” Alex looks concerned as he sets his fork down on the plate. He can tell the other man has no idea where this is going. He could still change his mind and say something else. But he really has no other secrets.

“It’s embarrassing,” Logan almost giggles hysterically, he gulps from the beer hoping it’ll settle his nerves.

“Life is embarrassing, so what?” Alex shrugs, trying to convey nonchalance.

“I think,” Logan searches for the right words, knowing he has to be red, chewing on his bottom lip. “I think, it’s probably insane to accept this so late in life but, I don’t think I’m straight.”

“Oh,” Alex’s eyebrows raise high and he looks genuinely surprised. “That’s okay. I mean, I get why you don’t want everyone to know but-“ he looks a little panicked as he searches for words. “There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“I just needed…” Logan stares at Alex but he doesn’t seem… happy. He looks concerned and a little stressed if anything. He doesn’t look like a man presented with an open door or about to share anything about himself. “I just needed to tell someone I guess…”

“If it makes you feel any better, I’m pretty sure you’re not the only one in the paddock?” Alex is fiddling with his fork and knife again and Logan feels sick to his stomach. Not the only one is paddock? He has no idea who he could be talking about because it clearly isn’t the one person, he wants it to be. “What made you… you know, realize now?”

“I don’t know.” Logan has to look away and stares down at his plate.

“You have a crush on somebody?” Alex tries to tease; Logan feels himself blushing hotter than he ever has in his life. He should have known this would end up being so embarrassing. Someone as likable, charismatic, and handsome as Alex could never like him back.

“No.” Logan hurries to deny, knowing he’s never been much of a liar.

“Oh,” Alex sounds like he just realized something and Logan could crawl into a hole. “It’s not me, is it?” Alex says hushed, as if he dares not speak it loudly.

“No!” Logan rushes to deny, he tries to look normal but he has no idea how a normal person would react in this situation. He just wants to run out the door and out of the whole hotel.

“Okay,” Alex hurries to agree, despite clearly not believing him. “Not that there would be anything wrong with that.”

“I know that,” Logan sputters, his eyes searching the room; where the fuck should he be looking right now? Should he make someone up to have been his crush? He wishes Alex didn’t always find him so easy to read because he knows he already knows.

“I wouldn’t care, I’m just not gay.” Alex adds unhelpfully. Both of them, sitting alone in Logan’s hotel room, that smells of delicious food and candles. “There’s been this girl I’ve been talking to online who I might like… her name’s Lily.”

“Oh, really?” Logan tries to smile and it is a painful thing. “That sounds nice. What does she do?”

“Golfing, actually.” Alex answers dully knowing Logan isn’t really interested. Logan, looks away from him again towards the hotel windows. It’s night out so there is nothing to see but light reflecting back his too clean room. He’s such an idiot. “Maybe I should get going?”

“You don’t have to,” Logan rushes, standing up as Alex does. He really scared Alex off and ruined the one good thing in his life, hasn’t he?

“Are you okay?” Alex asks him, choosing to ignore his own anxiousness. He is looking at Logan seriously and he swallows under the intensity of his gaze. He isn’t at all. They both know that. He’s an idiot and worse than that he’s a delusional humiliating idiot.

“Yeah, man.” He nods a bit over eagerly. “Thanks for listening to me and all that. Have a goodnight.” When he opens the door for him his hand is trembling on the doorhandle. This night can’t be over soon enough. Alex steps half the way out before turning back to him, he looks more conflicted than he’s ever seen him.

“Are you sure you’re going to be, okay?” Logan nods again, dumbly. Waiting to shut the door and end this. “I’m- I’m sorry. I’m glad you told me.”

“Yeah, me too.” No, he isn’t. He would give anything to take this night back and he suspects Alex feels the same. He had forgotten this is his life he is he’s living not a television show. “All good. See you tomorrow.”

“See you tomorrow, Logan.” The door shuts and he is just staring at it. Is that the first time Alex has called him Logan privately since they met? How could be possibly continue being Alex’s teammate after this? Certainly, their friendship is tainted if not ruined entirely.

Would Alex no longer feel comfortable in his presence? He sinks his fingers into his hair, nails biting his scalp. He had been hoping by starting with his sexuality would be the safer route but Alex reads him too easily. He has miss-interpreted genuine warmth and friendship and ruined it for himself.

No wonder Oscar has always been so distant and unaffectionate most of their friendship.

He wants to scream. To cry.

Why? Why did he have to realize he is capable of feeling this for another man just to have it for someone who will never look at him the same way?

This would be the end of his light in this misery. He never should have taken such a risk. He sinks down to the floor and doesn’t bother fighting hot tears when they pour from his eyes.

No more casual outings with Alex and meeting his cats. His parents would wonder why he didn’t talk about him anymore. Oscar would ask why things are suddenly awkward around the paddock. Kyle would call and ask if everything worked out. James would know something happened between his drivers and have another reason to dislike him.

He doesn’t want to have to lie but telling the truth would be infinitely worse.

He wishes he could take back his words and stick them back down his throat. Take his feelings and bury them somewhere deep down inside where no one would ever be privy to them. Instead, he’s torn himself open and lain himself out there for nothing and he can’t take it back.

He’s sobbing so hard it hurts his chest and upsets his stomach. He will have to get up and throw away the leftovers. He will have to get up tomorrow and face the team as if nothing has happened. He won’t be able to make eye contact with Alex. Maybe Alex will avoid him without him trying to at all.

Why did his subconscious torture him with these dreams? Why did his imagination play such fantasies?

He is so pathetic forever thinking a real Formula 1 driver like Alex would ever be gay and like a guy like him back.

He is too American. Too awkward. Too quiet. Too plain. Too untalented. Too boring. Too embarrassing. Too transparent. Too needy.

He isn’t sure how he ever came this far in life. He has gotten closer than most do to their dreams, coming to live just on the outer edge of it. He feels entirely undeserving and unfit.

What is the point of continuing to believe things will get better?

Kyle is a good friend and a good man but he is far away and blind to how bland Logan is. He better not spend too much time around him lest he too figure out how undeserving he is. There will always be someone more interesting, more talented, more beautiful, more deserving. Like Alex. Like Lando. Like Lily.

The last time he cried this hard, he had been a kid still. He’d just moved across the world a few weeks earlier and it had finally dawned on him that he would never be close to his family like that again. That he was alone in life. He had hidden in a closet, so no one would overhear and had cried himself to sleep against his knees.

He cries for the same damn reason now, after all these years. Damn the human heart and its ability to break for the same reason so many times. To be a fool so many times. He has always been a fool for hope. That’s how he’s ended up here in the first place. Because he always tries. Even when he should know better.

Chapter Text

The mistake was thinking that Alex wasn’t SO fucking nice that he was anything but a pity and convenience friend the entire time. Logan is his teammate; he gets to see firsthand how he’s struggling in the car and how few friends he has off track. No wonder he felt obligated to be so friendly and inviting towards him.

Alex is best friends with George who was bullied growing up too. So, he has a soft spot for socially awkward losers. That’s all it ever was. Now he knows he gave Logan a sexual awakening. He’s lucky if Alex doesn’t say anything to Williams considering how uncomfortable he just made things for him.

What if it becomes gossip around the paddock? He doesn’t think Alex would do something like that on purpose but people say shit sometimes they don’t mean to when it’s lingering on their mind.

Logan should have just been grateful he still has Oscar, Liam and Kyle in his life. When he had been a kid, even back in Florida he had never been popular with his peers. He had been too obsessed with karting to really be bothered to even try making friends. Then he had been across the world and feeling so out of place he’d kept his head down and words to himself.

He ends up scrolling through his oldest posts on social media. They paint such an idealist picture of reality. Those boys he’s posing with hadn’t even liked him and his teacher had told him his dreams were ridiculous. But he’s smiling with them shoulder to shoulder as if he belongs.

His current posts are no better, more pretty half-truths. The comments give a more realistic look at his current life. His Instagram comments are mocking and doubting. He ends up going down an Instagram rabbit hole, clip after clip of him crashing and climbing out at last. Over the top edits of eagles and American flags over his failures and broken ambitions.

Why would he think anyone would want to be with him? Why would he think he would ever belong in Formula 1 really? The other drivers are talented and funny. Some have a sense of fashion and model good looks. Others can speak a multitude of languages and are a resource of an incredible variety of information. They have their own side businesses and brands.

Logan could never be a brand. He dresses like any twenty something year old. He only knows how to speak English and a little Spanish. His only skill outside driving is drinking and he’s half decent at golf. He’s so boring and lame in comparison. He will never fit in amongst these people.

He remembers his English teacher telling him he ‘better hope’ he was good at sports when he’d failed her test. The prettiest girl at school calling him a boring car nerd. His second crush telling him he was boring. The other boys saying he must be a ‘f*g’. His father telling him he’s too quiet and not assertive enough; that no one will ever respect him as a man till, he learns to speak up. His mother saying, he should learn to express himself.

He hates how he can’t think about himself in anything other than disappointment. He’s always thought he would eventually prove himself, that he would become a better more complete version of himself someday.

But, maybe it’s just the fact he’s himself that’s the problem.

He grabs a notebook he has for data notes and flips to a fresh page. He has stopped crying a long time ago and his heart is burning inside him with something closer to hate now.

If he can list all the things wrong with himself, why can’t he just change them? Surely there are all different types of people and he’s young enough to still learn to be a different one. Maybe he can’t make the car not be a piece of shit but he can work on being less of one.

“Uninteresting – Boring – weird – introverted – too quiet – loser/not cool – poor fashion sense – not fun – lonely/pitiful – gay – embarrassing “

That’s a place to start from anyway. He does feel rather pitiful writing it out like that but no one else will ever see it and if it takes one last pitifulness to change than it’ll be a step in the right direction. He goes on his phone and signs up for lessons to learn a second language. He would really learn Spanish properly. That is an easy step.

He can fix his fashion sense relatively easy as well? The race is near the city so he can go downtown and buy new clothes. Let the clerk at some expensive store he would never go to pick him out clothes.  He has the money now so why not look put together?

Alex will no doubt be expecting him to be even more pitiful than normal after this horrifying night. He will just have to… not be that. Somehow. He doesn’t need to be depending on his teammate to drag him out with his friends. He can go out and meet people and have fun on his own.

It’s almost morning time now; he’s spent the entire night awake ruminating and mortified. But, it’s a new day now. He can start fresh.

He drags himself into the shower, maybe he should get new products too. He probably smells boring too. He texts the team to let them know he will be flying out at a different date so not to wait for him. He packs his luggage and checks out of his hotel room before anyone else will be awake to run into him. If he ran into Alex this soon, he would probably spontaneously combust on the spot.

He drives to a different hotel, the kind of place he normally wouldn’t stay. A mom-and-pop place and books a room for the night. The place smells a little like moth balls and the bedspread is a tacky flower design. Perfect.

He goes on a run and stretches before as the sun finishes rising. He books a flight out for a couple days away; he doesn’t have anywhere to be anyway. No one waiting for him.

Downtown has a decent selection of places to buy clothes, cologne, and shoes. He’s always just worn scents from the drug store but if he wants to be seen as a man, he should act like it right? He googles the different stores and picks ones with prices that make his head spin a little.

“How can I help you?” The sales clerk asks him when he steps inside. She looks doubtful and he knows he looks terribly out of place.

“I really need help,” he gestures to his clothes. She gives him a polite but humored smile.

“I can help you,” she promises him as she gestures for him to follow her back into the store. The clothes have no prices on them, that must be a promising sign he’s about to be robbed blind.

“Do you know what kind of ‘vibe’ you’re going for? What type of function are you planning on dressing for?”

“Um… less boring? Less American? Sophisticated?” She laughs, delighted; as if he had been intending to be funny. She has great fun picking out clothes for him, a lot of dark and jewel tone colors.

“Okay, we can do that!” He feels dressed up and ridiculous in his new clothes when he leaves. He feels like people are looking at him out of the corner of their eyes and has a hard time not ducking to hide his face. Bags filled with things so outside what he would normally buy or wear. It feels a little too like a ‘Pretty Woman’ scene but without the happiness and excitement. He even gets his hair trimmed and styled.

When he gets back to his hotel, he texts Liam and asks if there is anywhere good to hang out or party in the city. He’s a little terrified at the prospect of going out and drinking without anyone else he knows. His heart is racing even though it’s hours away still. Alcohol will help once he’s there.

Maybe he just needs to go out and get drunk. Have some fun and make some stupid memories. Forget about the stress and pressure for a bit.

Liam is always a treasure trove of drinking information and sends him a whole list of options. He saves a few on his phone and gets some food from a local shop, knowing he will need to fortify his stomach for the liquor to come.

That evening he goes to the liveliest chaotic place, the kind of establishment that has his anxiety already high before entering and the noise is so loud it’s hard to hold a conversation. He doesn’t know anyone here to converse with anyway. They let him into the club and gorgeous women and men are all around. Maybe he should go to a gay club tonight, that would be something he would definitely never usually do.

He goes straight to the bar and orders a drink. He can tell himself to pretend to be a socialite but actually doing it are two different things. He has no idea what to do without liquid courage but thankfully that is in easy access. The bartender pours him drink after drink without reserve. This is not the type of place that concerns themselves with how their patrons are getting home or staying respectable.

Each drink sinks in a buzzing into his brain. His racing heart slowing and thoughts further away. Less matters and the pain that’s been eating him alive feels numbed. His thoughts are easily distractable and the people around him unusually entertaining.

After a couple drinks the taste of liquor is no longer noticeable on his lips. It all tastes the same; just a way to keep the night going. The dance floor is coming alive and the music catchy. Without someone to invite him out to dance he would normally hang to the side but why shouldn’t he? Someone fun would dance.

Bodies are all around and bumping into him from every side. A girl on the dance floor immediately takes notice of him and steps into his space. She knows how to move better than he does and makes a show of grinding her body against his. He’s not particularly attracted to her, isn’t even sure what her face looks like, but it does feel good.

Her friend is behind him and pressed up close as well. Hands on his chest and sliding across his new shirt that’s already half unbuttoned.

“You’re hot,” someone says in his ear, barely audible over the thrum of music and slurred anyway. It’s a turn off but he leans into it anyway. At least he can still be desirable. The girl in front of him kisses him and she tastes like lip gloss and tequila.

It makes him feel uncomfortable to be so handsy with people he doesn’t know. He hasn’t had enough alcohol to completely forget him inhibitions tonight. Yet. He pulls away, breath feeling tight in his chest from their proximity.

“I need another drink,” he excuses stepping back towards the bar on shaky harried legs. He doesn’t look at them as he walks, can’t recall what either of them even looked like. It doesn’t matter anyway.

The bartender serves him another drink.

A few more drinks later he makes eye contact with another man at the bar. The guy immediately slides into the stool next to him. His smile is too perfect and hair combed to perfection. He looks nothing like the guy Logan is attracted to but he smiles back. He can fake being friendly and social now, swaying into the man’s space.

“You look lonely tonight,” the man comments brightly, he has an accent but Logan can’t place it tonight. “Looking for someone to party with?”

He sounds and looks like such a stereotypical sleaze he can’t help but the laugh. It only encourages him; he leans forward his hand on Logan’s knee under the bar. It steals his breath away, to be touched suggestively by another man. To allow it.

Anyone could see and take a picture; post it and blow up his career and reputation. His career and reputation are already in the fucking gutter anyway though, isn’t it? It would be an exciting unexpected way for him to leave Formula 1 at least.

“Depends what kind of party you’re talking about?” Logan asks, leaning in to whisper his voice sweetly at the man. He doesn’t find him attractive at all, never really finds people he doesn’t know attractive. This isn’t about who he wants; he knows who he wants. It feels good to feel wanted and attractive.

“Any party I get to help a beautiful boy feel good and have fun,” he grins back at logan. His dark eyes are staring deep into him and he has no idea what he sees. He squeezes Logans knee and he’s equally torn between instinctually pushing him away and pulling him in closer. “My name is Luke.”

“I’m Tom,” Logan tells him completely entranced under the degree of attention he’s receiving. He’s not sure Luke has blinked the entire interaction. “I’d like to have fun.”

“Having a hard time of it? This place is kind of lame,” is it? It seems perfectly alive to Logan but he probably has no idea what he’s talking about. “I can help with that.”

“Oh? How so?” Logan quirks an eyebrow as he finishes his drink entertaining this conversation that would usually send him running back to his hotel room.

“You want to try one?” The man holds out a pink pill, in his palm so it is not easily overseen by those around them. He’d seen people doing blow in the bathroom anyway. “It’s just ecstasy. Great pick me up for a night like tonight, don’t you think?”

“Ecstasy?” Logan has smoked weed before and done plenty of drinking but he could get drug tested any day. It would be wildly irresponsible and risky thing to do. Yet alone from and with a stranger. Anything could happen and he could fuck up his whole life. He takes the pill and winks at Luke. He takes a pill as well to Logan’s relief. “I’d like another drink too.”

“Sounds like a good idea,” Luke orders them both another drink and pays for them.

He’s certainly never done ecstasy before, if that is what he took. The music and colors of the room are starting to move as one. Everything is moving faster and slower all at once but he’s not very concerned about it. He doesn’t recognize the song playing but it makes him happy and he really does want to go out and dance now.

He doesn’t know Luke at all but he seems less threatening now. Less a stranger and more someone he just came to know tonight. He chugs his drinks faster than his stomach would like but he keeps it down. He grabs Luke’s hand off his leg and pulls him off the bar stool and onto the dance floor.

“Let’s dance!” He giggles and he laughs with him. The heat from everyone around them is almost suffocating, he’s dripping with sweat and heart pounding as if he just did an intensive work out. But they are all alive in the swell of the same song and existing as one in this moment. Every movement and Luke only pulls him closer and it just makes Logan laugh.

Fingers on his sides, laughing and signing faces all around. Breathing through his mouth to survive the heat and sweat stinging his eyes. He can taste nothing but liquor and the room smells like sweat. He is still holding the other man’s hand somehow and pulls them around and around. He wants to be closer, wants to be with someone he loves.

But there’s only this man, who calls himself Luke here.

At some point he finds himself towards the side of the room. He is pressed against the wall, his head spinning and light. Luke is pressing in closer to him now and he’s just hanging on. His head tips backwards and he watches the colorful lights streaking across the ceiling. He feels his shirt being untucked from his pants and Luke is saying something low and hot in his ear but he amongst the other noise he can’t make out the words.

Hands meet his too warm sweaty skin and his shirt hiked up. His fingers twist in the back of Luke’s shirt. He feels a thigh pressed against his own and tries not to let himself shrink away. He’s not hard at all. Not for this. There is something addictively terrifying and dangerous about being felt up by a strange man in public.