Chapter Text
He is standing alone on the grass and as he looks up from the ground he can’t help but marvel at the sight. The view is fucking spectacular. Lush grass framed by tall and majestic trees. Soft hills gently sloping towards the deep blue of the ocean. Sun so bright it is blinding, even with his dark tinted glasses. It would be a great place for a picnic or to watch the sunset.
How ironic.
The only thing that disturbs the view are hundreds of white gravestones, arranged in neat rows with military precision. If the Navy is good at one thing it is to make things and people stand in straight lines. In life as well as in death. His gaze returns to the one right before him. The one marking the final resting place of his biggest regret. His biggest adversary, bitter rival and constant pain is the ass that had the potential to be so much more. He wishes they'd had more time.
So much regret.
But life was cruel and took him away the moment they were ready to acknowledge that there was something more between them. It was almost laughable if it weren’t so fucking sad. They had wasted so much time dancing around each other, hiding true feelings behind masks of anger and arrogance. And now he was gone, and with him went his chance of happiness.
Too early.
His dress blues feel suffocating in the heat, and he wishes he could be in something more comfortable, something less restricting. But this is a funeral and protocol must be followed, even if he detests it. He owes this to him. Owes it to him to show up, to stand tall, to witness the lowering of the casket, to say his final goodbye. If only it could have been him. If only their roles had been reversed. If it had been his missile that malfunctioned.
If only.
But it wasn’t and he couldn’t save him. And now he must face reality without him. Must find a reason to keep going. People around him are slowly backing away and moving on towards the exit. They will go to the Hard Deck for the wake. He remains unmoving, his eyes fixated on the name on the gravestone. Black ink against white marble. He falls to his knees, feeling the eyes of his friends on him, the looks of pity and helplessness, but he couldn’t care less. They all lost a friend, a fellow pilot, but he lost his everything.
Gone.
He feels so alone. Earlier, when he was surrounded by friends and family, he should have felt comfort from that, but he didn’t. Everyone else is moving on. Figures. They don’t get it. Can’t understand how a few days changed his life so profoundly, changed him irrevocably. He knows he can lean on them, but he does not. It’s his choice. They don’t understand the depth of his pain, how can they? He doesn’t even fully understand it himself. All he knows is loss and pain and that fucking empty feeling where his heart used to be.
Lost.
His mind flashes back to the accident, the cruel chain of events that simultaneously started the best and worst days of his life. They’d done the checks, all had been normal, just another day, just another flight. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Not like this. They’d done everything right and yet everything went wrong. The shock of the malfunction, the fear in his voice, audible even over the crackling radio. Being ordered to leave him behind, not just by command, but by him as well. It had happened so fast.
Too fast.
Miraculously, he’d survived the crash. But the damage was too severe. He died 9 days after the accident. 9 days in which they confessed their feelings, shared their first and their last kiss. 9 days of knowing that their relationship was doomed from the beginning. 9 days of watching the love of his life slowly succumb to the inevitable.
Never enough.
The sun is setting, and the colors are magnificent. The few clouds present are tinged in a soft pink hue and the scenery looks straight out of a fairytale. Except this is one of those fairytales that turn into a nightmare. Everything just a bit too bright, too colorful to be real. The ugly truth hiding behind the pretty façade.
Too real.
He doesn’t cry. Doesn’t really have any tears left. He’s done plenty of that over the past few days, both before and after his death. Now he just feels numb. The hand gently grabbing his shoulder startles him. He looks up and sees Phoenix standing next to him, watching with a mixture of love and concern.
“It’s getting late. We should go.”
He just shakes his head. He can’t move, he can’t leave him alone. Getting up would make this more final. That he is truly gone.
“I’m so sorry. I know how much he meant to you. We all miss him. But don’t let yourself get lost too. We can’t lose another member of our family.”
Family.
Neither of them really had one of those prior to the Daggers. At least not in the traditional way of mother – father – children. They had familiar figures in their life, but never a true core family. In his dreams, they created their own little family, just the two of them, with their Navy family and maybe with some kids further down the road. That dream is gone now. Just another disappointment.
He should get up. He knows that. Can’t let Phoenix, his friends, his family down. Needs to move on. Problem is, he has no clue how. Right now, he isn’t even sure if he could move his legs.
Something of his struggle must have shown on his face because before he knows it, Nat grabs his arm and gently, but with surprising strength, hauls him upright. He stands shakingly in front of the gravestone, looking one last time at the inscription before he turns and lets his friend lead him away.
Lost but never forgotten.