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Chapter Text

After 10 years, they were finally reunited, all together in one room. Or almost all of them. Since Liam's death last year, the other four felt compelled to reconnect and try to make it work, for Liam's sake. They were at Niall's house in Los Angeles, sitting at the six-seater table in his kitchen.

With his back to the door and close to it was Louis, and Zayn next to him. The two had resolved their issues, both unable to take any more of this stupid fight that had distanced them, and finally decided to talk. They needed each other, even more so now. In front of Louis was Niall, and next to him was Harry. It's no surprise to anyone that after the hiatus they grew closer, always seeing each other and talking. The two kept in such close contact that it's almost as if nothing had changed. Harry's relationship with Zayn and Louis, on the other hand, is, in a nutshell, more complicated.

The thing about Zayn is that Harry and he were never as close as fans thought they were. They always had their ups and downs, but in the end, they always considered each other brothers and always had mutual respect and love for each other. So when he heard Zayn say that they never talked, Harry couldn't help but feel hurt. He didn't expect Zayn to say that. It's true that they weren't as close as the others, especially in the last two years of the band, but they shared beds, talked and laughed late into the night before going to sleep, admired and respected each other, and Harry always saw him as a brother. Part of him wondered if he really meant what he said, or if he was just trying to get rid of that kind of question so he wouldn't have to face the past. He hoped it was the latter, although he never asked Zayn directly.

Things went downhill between them from the moment they learned that Harry was trying to leave the band in 2013. Since then, and a little before that to be honest, everyone had been distancing themselves from him, except for Niall. Harry was becoming more introspective with them and was clearly hiding something. When they found out he wanted to leave the band, they attributed all this mystery to that. But they were wrong, Harry had a reason for all this, even if they didn't know it.

Then, in 2015, Harry began the paperwork that would separate them for good. That's when the bomb exploded. Zayn got angry and wanted to take the first step. He left the band secretly, partly because he really couldn't stand being there anymore and being controlled by management, and partly because he wanted to pursue his own path as a solo singer. Harry never blamed him for that, on the contrary, he understood his reasons, but Zayn leaving that way and blaming Harry for it was too much for him. Since then, they haven't spoken to each other, until Liam's funeral. When they see each other and talk, they remain cordial, pretending that everything is fine. But nothing is fine.

With Louis, the situation is similar, but ten times worse. The two were not only brothers, as they all were, but best friends. No one understood each other as well as they did. They knew each other, knew everything about each other. But things changed little by little. Management picking on them and fans creating crazy Larry theories didn't help at all. They had always been brothers and friends, nothing more than that. But no one believed it, so they drifted apart. With Harry acting like an idiot and distancing himself from everyone in 2013, it was easy to stay away. In the beginning, it was nothing more than that, just distance.

With the hiatus, things changed. Louis knew he was lying and that it wasn't a break, but the end of the band. He knew Harry too well and knew when he wasn't being sincere. That's when everything went wrong. They weren't just distant like before, Louis was pissed at Harry. Not because he wanted to quit, but because he wasn't being honest and telling the truth about why. Living with the uncertainty of a comeback was horrible, and Louis couldn't help but feel angry at Harry for that. On top of that, he felt jealous that Harry's career had been so successful. Over time, that feeling passed, and he began to forgive Harry for it. He really missed what they had. Damn it, they knew each other like no one else, they shared a house together. So he no longer felt anger or hatred, as he had before. Only sadness and longing for a brotherhood they had had many years ago. That's why being there with him was strange, nothing was right, but he tried hard to maintain normality between them. For everyone's sake.

For Harry, the feeling was different. It wasn't anger or sadness, but guilt. For not being honest with Louis, for never telling him his reasons, and for making him believe that he no longer wanted their friendship. Just looking at Louis made him feel guilty, so he avoided him all these years. Sometimes he would send a message or two congratulating him on a song, an album, or his birthday, but that was it. He felt that Louis blamed him too, and that he was angry with him. It wasn't difficult for them to avoid each other with both of them trying hard to keep things that way.

Sitting there now, after two hours of talking and dining, the feelings begin to intensify. Harry is more than determined that today he will be honest with the other three, for the first time in many years. He owes it to them, he needs to tell the truth, no matter how much it hurts him. With a lump forming in his throat and an anxiety he hasn't felt in a long time, he tries to bring up the subject.

“I need to tell you something.”

The three of them were laughing at something silly Niall said, but Harry doesn't know what because he was too focused on gathering the courage for what was to come. They stop and stare at the youngest with curiosity.

“If it's about my salad that you ate secretly, I already know and I won't forgive you,” Niall jokes, eliciting a slight, almost imperceptible sad smile from his friend. The Irishman is trying, unsuccessfully, to ease the tension that can be seen in Harry's body language. His eyes are focused on his hands, which are playing with each other, picking at the skin around his fingernails. His shoulders are tense, and his expression is clearly more serious than it was five minutes ago, although at no point during the day has he actually been relaxed. Niall knows him too well not to have noticed all this. Maybe a few years ago he wouldn't have noticed any of it, but now he can see it.

“It's not that, it's just that I...” He becomes very serious again and pauses briefly before continuing, “...I wasn't honest with any of you when we were in the band, and I know I owe you all an explanation for everything that happened, and I'm going to explain everything.”

“You don't have to do that now, we're here to have fun today, it's okay,” says Louis with a hint of hurt and anger in his voice, as if desperately trying to avoid the subject right now. Strangely, the most quarrelsome of the boys didn't want to do that there and then, preferring to stay in his world of illusion, pretending that nothing had happened.

“I know I don't have to, but I want to,” he says with a certainty he doesn't know where it comes from, “I need to, Louis,” he adds, raising his head and looking directly into his blue eyes. Only then does he realize how downcast Harry suddenly became when talking about this subject. Now he notices all the signs Niall had already noticed.

Zayn was quiet, just watching, because he was shy, he had always been very observant. Like the others, he noticed Harry's discomfort. As much as he had denied it before, he knows the youngest well enough to realize that whatever it is, this is serious and he is going to reveal whatever he has been keeping to himself all this time. Curiously, he nodded to Harry as if encouraging him to continue.

“What I'm about to tell you now, stays here. Almost no one knows, I only told my mom and Gemma...” he takes a deep breath before continuing, “and Liam knew too.” Everyone stares at him in bewilderment, but no one interrupts him as he continues, "I told him, he noticed I wasn't doing well one day and I opened up to him. That's why we've become so close since then. He was always there when I needed to talk, and now...“ He pauses, his eyes filling with tears. ”Now he's gone, and I've thought a lot about all this, and I can't avoid it anymore. I need to be honest with you. He always wanted me to tell you, but I was afraid, afraid of what you would think, of how you would react, but I'm tired of being afraid all the time. I can't hide anymore, I'm tired."

Louis realizes that he is right. Now that he has said it, it is noticeable how tired he is. His face is dull, lacking the sparkle that was always there, his clothes lacking the color and extravagance that were always characteristic of him. His hair and mustache show the lack of care that had previously existed, his eyes outlined by slight but present dark circles, as well as being glassy and tired. How had he not noticed before? Louis is confused, to say the least. What secret is it that has brought him to this state? Did Liam know all this time and never tell them? Worse, why had Liam never told Louis that he was still close to Harry? Sure, he had mentioned that he would have coffee with him from time to time, or that he had gone to his house for an aperitif together, or even that they sometimes talked on video calls. But it had never been clear that they were so close.

“During the Take Me Home Tour, we were filming This Is Us. Do you remember Matt, the cameraman?” Harry asks, raising his head and looking everyone in the eye, frightened, as if he were about to talk about something terrible.

“Sure, he was really nice. You two were especially close, H,” Niall says, and Harry shudders. The Irish notices. Louis and Zayn just stare at the blond and remember the time.

2013

“Boys, this is Matt, one of the cameramen for the documentary,” Paul said, introducing the man next to him. He was tall, too tall even, probably 6'3". His hair was brown and straight, his eyes blue. He was probably around 30 years old or so. His style was the classic stereotype of a photographer, he wore a long-sleeved white shirt with a green vest over it, brown jeans, black Converse, a leather bag, his camera hanging on his side, and most importantly, the vintage watch that apparently caught Harry's attention, who was already talking to the guy while the others greeted him.

Matt was really cool, he became friends with all of them too quickly to be honest, especially Harry. As time went by, he was practically part of their circle, whenever they were recording, resting, or talking, Matt was there. Always sitting with Harry, the two laughing and clowning around, the kids of the group. Niall also became very close to Matt over time. The three of them were the terror of management. The boys saw him more as a friend than part of the team. Sometimes they wondered why they hired him, but then the guy showed how skilled he was with filming and they understood why.

During the tour, Niall recalls, Louis became jealous of Harry's friendship with Matt. And then, as if Louis had predicted it, Harry suddenly began to distance himself from them. Niall could agree with Louis and say it was Matt's fault, but the strangest thing was that he distanced himself from the cameraman too. Apparently no one but the blond noticed that Harry even seemed to avoid him at one point. And then everything got weird, the boys gave up trying to include him, since he always refused or ended up in a fight, Harry seemed sad and even sick at times, but everyone was angry at him for his sudden distance and so they ignored him, Liam at some point became closer to the curly-haired one, Matt left, and things stayed that way. Niall remembers the chaos that ensued until today. None of them blamed Matt for anything; the guy was just being nice. But they blamed Harry. Niall was never one to get angry with anyone, so he continued to act normally even after everything. Zayn and Louis became more distant from Harry and closer to each other than ever.

“What about him?” Louis asks defiantly, his tone disapproving.

“He wasn't as nice as I thought he was,” Harry adds quietly.

“Of course not, are you going to blame him for what happened on tour? For acting like a jerk? For wanting to leave the band in 2013?” Zayn blurts out without really thinking about what he's saying, and he regrets it as soon as he sees the guilty look on the younger man's face. He wasn't angry with Harry, he never had been, in fact. They drifted apart and he got angry, he saw how it affected the band, especially Louis. So yes, he wanted to blame someone for everything going wrong, for the atmosphere between them not being the same, for being on stage not being as much fun as it used to be, for him wanting to leave the band, and Harry made it easy for him to blame him at the time. But he doesn't blame him anymore. He doesn't know why he just said that, maybe because the two of them never really opened up about how they felt, it all built up and needed to come out. Apparently, it was going to come out now.

Harry is silent after Zayn's response, looking at him with the look of someone who has just been betrayed. In a way, he's right, because saying that was definitely a betrayal. 

“Sorry, I didn't mean it,” Zayn looks down and avoids the others' gaze. He knows Louis is looking at him with a mixture of shock and gratitude, since he was angry with Harry for a long time but isn't anymore, he just misses him now. Niall is probably angry about the comment, but relieved that he at least apologized.

“No, you're right to think that,” Harry begins, sounding more serious and hurt than before.

“Harry...” Zayn starts, but Harry interrupts him.

"No, Zayn, listen to me. I know I screwed up, that I didn't explain why I distanced myself from you. You were my brothers, you still are, and I just closed myself off and didn't tell you the truth. I tried to leave the band, and later I broke up the band without even explaining. Of course you should all be angry with me, I would be too. And if I could go back in time and tell you everything, I would. But I also know why I didn't. And I'm going to talk now, not so that you'll forgive me, it's okay if that doesn't happen. But because I have to be honest, I owe it to you." Harry says, not knowing where he got the strength to say all this with the lump in his throat getting worse every time he opens his mouth since the beginning of this conversation. He sighs and continues to see that the others are silent. He takes a deep breath because he knows that what he is about to say will change everything. "He followed me to my room one day, I didn't see him. I had forgotten my cell phone, so I left the door open because I was about to leave, but he came in and locked the door. He was taller, stronger, and he...“ Harry hadn't realized he was crying until he unconsciously wiped a tear running down his cheek. ”...he raped me." 

The silence in the room was uncomfortable, interrupted only by Harry's sobs. Unable to bear being there to see their reactions, he got up and leaned his elbows on the kitchen island, his back to the table where the other three were sitting. Unable to control his crying any longer, he collapses, falling to his knees on the floor. Niall is the first to react, getting up and hugging his friend, who throws himself into the Irishman's lap. Zayn and Louis, still absorbing the situation, do nothing, just stare at the two of them open-mouthed and speechless. 

Zayn doesn't know what to think. He just can't believe it. All this time blaming Harry even though he knew it was wrong before, imagine now. He blamed him for “ruining” the band when he was the one who was suffering the most, who needed his friends the most, and no one was there for him. Only Liam noticed. How could they not have noticed that he went through such shit? Harry is the sweetest person they know, always smiling, joking around, being a perfect idiot with a sense of humor and charisma. How could anyone destroy him like that? Why would anyone do that to Harry? Just thinking about the pain he must have felt, how hurt and alone he was, makes Zayn want to vomit. He still can't believe it, just reflecting on it all, trying to digest the news. After what seemed like an eternity, it was Zayn who approached his friends and stood next to Niall, in front of Harry. The curly-haired boy didn't notice he was there.

“I know it's cliché, but I'm sorry,” Zayn says with tears in his eyes. Harry now looked at him, scared, as if he feared what the other two would think of him. “For everything, Harry, none of this was your fault, you hear me? None of it.” Harry nods as if to say “okay,” but from the look in his eyes, Zayn knew he still blamed himself. And Zayn felt guilty for making him feel guilty. What a vicious cycle. Now he understood everything, why Harry had distanced himself from them, why he wanted to leave the band, unable to bear being in the same place as Matt, why he was sick and seemed destroyed most of the time. He understood why he got angry whenever they questioned him and his actions, he couldn't answer. 

Louis stood there, now looking at the three of them, he saw how suddenly they no longer looked like adults. They looked like 18-year-olds hugging each other and having sincere conversations for a change. Louis didn't know what to think, other than guilt. Guilt for feeling angry at Harry. How could he, without even knowing why he had distanced himself? Guilt for never trying to insist on knowing what had happened. Guilt for moving on, ignoring the boy who now looked more like a ghost in front of him. It destroyed Louis to see him like this, hurt, sad, in pain. And he knew that nothing he did would fix the past. Louis sat there and began to cry silently, watching the scene in front of him. Three men in their 30s crying and hugging each other, in other circumstances, it would even be funny. But now it was sad, that's the word.

After what seemed like an eternity, when the three men's knees were numb, they got up. Harry, still dejected, almost fell when he stood up, but Zayn was quicker, holding him firmly by the arm. He directs Harry to the L-shaped sofa in Niall's living room. He sits Harry down on the curve of the L and then sits down, hugging the younger man, while Niall sits on the other side, facing the TV. Louis, still lost, stands for a minute and then sits down next to Zayn, closer to the television, sideways to it. The three of them remain there, still lost in thought, and don't even notice when the blond turns on the TV, everyone looking at it, but no one actually watching. 

“You can ask.” Harry says suddenly, leaving them a little confused.

“What do you mean?” Louis speaks for the first time in a long time, his voice hoarse and choked up.

"I know you have questions, that you're confused. I would be too. You can ask me anything." He replies, still looking at the television and ignoring Louis and Zayn, who are staring at him. 

“It's okay, don't worry about it.” It's Zayn who speaks this time, trying to reassure the curly-haired boy, so he doesn't worry about doing it now.

“No, Zayn, I need to. I need to end this once and for all. I'm not going to say it doesn't hurt, that it doesn't hurt me to talk about it, but I really need to. It's not the first time I've done this, and according to my therapist, the more I talk, the easier it will be to get over it, so please, ask me.” He says with a tone of desperation, as if he desperately wants to answer their questions. But in reality, he didn't want to, everyone knew that. He just wanted to get rid of the doubt, the curiosity in their eyes. It was the same with Liam. When he told him, even though he didn't ask, he knew he wanted to know more about what happened, why it happened. He was right, over the years he had learned to see it in their eyes too, and realized that if it were the other way around, he would also want to know the truth. So when he told his mother and sister, he opened up and said everything at once, and it was a relief. With the other three, it was more difficult, he's not sure why. Maybe because the guilt of the past still haunts him every day, because nothing between them is really resolved. Part of him believes that the two who embraced him earlier were just feeling sorry for him and did it out of pity. Maybe not Niall, but he can't feel any differently about Zayn. Louis didn't even react, which hurt him even more. 

After what seemed like an eternity with the three staring at random things, not really looking, just thinking, it was Niall who broke the silence, to everyone's surprise. 

“Did he hurt you? ... Physically, I mean.” Less than five seconds after asking the question, he realizes what he has just asked and regrets it. “...Damn, you don't have to answer... sorry, I didn't mean to ask that...”

“It's okay, Ni, I asked you to ask me anything, right?” He gave the blond a slight smile, almost like the old Harry smiling, but his eyes still showed sadness, they seemed to have lost color as they continued this conversation. "Yes, he hurt me. Not much, I mean... I think he did. I don't remember much about the moment it happened, to be honest. My therapist says it's a defense mechanism, it makes you forget the details. But I remember when he left the room, I stayed there motionless because it hurt so much. I took a shower and when I came back I saw...“ He pauses, grimacing in pain as he remembers it. ”...I saw blood, not much, but there was some and... yeah, he hurt me." He pulls his knees up and hugs them, resting his chin on them and staring at the TV.

This time it's Niall who hugs him, lightly to give him space, with only his left arm around his shoulders. Zayn continues to stare straight ahead, staring at the Irishman's stairs a few feet away. Suddenly Louis moves on the couch, quickly getting up and heading toward the stairs Zayn was staring at.

“I'm going to the bathroom,” Louis says in a tone of voice that shows anger and hurt. Zayn tries to figure out why. Damn it, after everything Harry said and the way he opened up, Louis is just going to act like this? He doesn't realize that the youngest blames himself and that Louis isn't helping, on the contrary, he's only making everything worse.

“Why do you hate me so much, Louis?” Harry says in a heartbreaking tone of voice. "I mean, I understand that you guys don't forgive me for what I did, with the band and everything, but I didn't mean to. I swear, I missed you guys so much, and I wanted to be honest before, but I couldn't, I was afraid. I just want everything to be as it was, I'm sorry." He ends up crying and trying to hide his face from the others, consumed by guilt. Niall now strokes his hair and Zayn is about to comfort him, but Louis gets there first.

"I don't blame you, Harry, and I don't want you to do that. I can't forgive you, because you never did anything wrong. But I can't act like everything is fine, like nothing happened, because I'm an idiot. You were my best friend, my roommate, my little brother. And I distanced myself from you just like you did from me, with all that Larry shit going on, but we still cared about each other. And then I turned into a jerk when Matt showed up, I even thought you were replacing me with him. How could I have been so stupid? Niall and Liam told me it was nonsense, that you didn't even talk to Matt anymore. They said you weren't okay, and I realized it, but I was stupid and ignored them, ignored you, distanced myself when you needed me most, out of pure selfishness and stubbornness. And I'm really sorry, but I can't stand here and look at you without remembering what a big idiot I am." After letting it all out at once, he doesn't even wait for a response, as he runs upstairs and locks himself in the bathroom. Harry stared, open-mouthed and speechless, at the spot where Louis had been standing a few seconds earlier. Niall tried to comfort the youngest, while Zayn gets up and angrily goes to the bathroom where Louis is.

Normally, it wouldn't be easy to hear what's going on upstairs, but now it's different. From the living room, Niall can hear Zayn banging furiously on the bathroom door, Harry shudders slightly when he hears it too. Niall is more than angry with Louis. He understands him, but he also knows that Harry needs him, while he's up there locked in the bathroom feeling sorry for himself. He doesn't know what to do, realizing that the commotion is making Harry anxious. He slowly nudges Harry, indicating for him to get up. After doing so, they cross the kitchen where they were previously and head for a sliding door further away that leads them to the outside area of their house. When they get there, he realizes he made the best decision. Harry now takes a deep breath, as if relieved by the fresh air that the late afternoon provided in LA. The two sit on the sofas outside, on the lawn near the pool, and just stay there, both thinking and enjoying the silence and the sunset on the horizon. Little do they know what is unfolding at this very moment upstairs. Better that way!

Chapter Text

See the final notes to watch the actual scenes from the Pittsburgh concert that inspired the scenes of Harry feeling sick.

Pittsburgh, July 8, 2013

The stadium was packed that night, with contagious energy. The five boys, now leaving the stage, were filled with the contagious energy passed on by the audience applauding them. Everyone was enjoying themselves, except Harry.

During Louis' solo in Teenage Dirtbag, he realized he wasn't feeling well. Bile was rising in his throat, and he warned the crew backstage, trying to be as discreet as possible. Zayn, who was coming towards him on the right side of the stage, seemed almost concerned despite everything. They all knew each other too well to not understand when something was wrong. Harry waves that he's fine and Zayn doesn't worry anymore. That is, until the end of the song when Harry runs backstage.

The other four try to figure out what to do now that the youngest has left and simply hasn't returned. They realized that Harry was feeling sick, and as they got closer, they could see him vomiting. When Rock Me starts, Niall reacts first, trying to sing Harry's solo and failing miserably, until Louis takes his place. They continue with the song, but they can't help worrying. Harry wasn't as close to any of them anymore, and lately he had been feeling sick often. Despite the distance and the fights, they still felt concerned about the youngest member.

Harry returns at the beginning of She's Not Afraid and continues the show as if nothing had happened. The others keep an eye on him, but realize that after letting it all out backstage, he seems a little better. Or so they thought. Liam noticed that he wasn't doing well at all while Zayn sang his solo. The five of them stand side by side, Harry holding back so he doesn't throw up in front of everyone. Liam, now unable to contain his concern, gently runs his hand through Harry's hair, who just nods with a look that says, “I'm fine, thanks.”

The show continues for three more songs, and now everyone is backstage. Harry doesn't hesitate, he doesn't wait for the others. He runs to the bathroom in his dressing room. The four look at each other. A few months ago they would have run after him, asking if he was okay. Now, they hesitate, watching as he walks away and wondering whether they should follow him or not. Liam doesn't wait, despite his anger and remorse, he follows the curly-haired boy.

Upon entering the dressing room, he notices the bathroom door ajar and hears noises that indicate that, once again, he must be vomiting. Liam crouches down beside him, placing his hand on his forehead to see how hot he was and to brush the sweat from his hair. Harry shudders at the sudden touch, but does not pull away; on the contrary, he seems to draw closer. Liam's hand now rests on his back, making circles, while the younger man releases everything into the toilet he is clinging to. 

After a few minutes, which seemed like decades to both of them, Harry finished and moved away, throwing himself against the wall behind him, too weak to move even an arm if he needed to. Liam realizes how weak and sore he must be feeling, flushes the toilet, and grabs one of the towels, wetting it and wiping Harry's mouth, still dirty with vomit. He finishes and leaves the towel aside, on the sink next to him, on the front wall. Liam sits down next to Harry and pulls him into an awkward hug, Harry so weak he can barely move yet. They stay like this for about five minutes, Liam realizes that Harry is almost falling asleep, but he doesn't let him. He leans Harry against the wall and turns on the bathtub, filling it with warm water. 

“Harry, you need to take a bath, come on.” He speaks in a caring, almost protective tone of voice.

“I... I want to sleep,” he replies in a low, slow voice. He was on the verge of falling asleep. 

“H...you're dirty and sweaty, come on, I'll help you.” He helps Harry take off his shirt and then his pants. He helps Harry stand up, doing most of the work, since he can barely stand on his own. Harry almost falls, but he manages to lay him down carefully in the bathtub. When he feels the water, Harry wakes up a little. He needs a little help from Liam, but he manages to clean himself up on his own.

Liam helps Harry out of the bathtub and sits him on the toilet seat to help him get dressed. When Harry is in his pajamas, he helps Harry lie down on the dressing room bed. Harry barely lies down and is already asleep. Liam doesn't want to leave him alone tonight. The youngest was very sick and feeling ill, and he wanted to help if necessary. Liam has always been the responsible one in the group and has always been the one who cared the most about others.

Silently, he leaves the room and goes to his own. He takes a shower, puts on his pajamas, and grabs his pillow. He heads to Harry's room, but is stopped on the way by Louis, who turns the corner in front of him. 

"Liam, man, where are you going? We looked for you, but you disappeared. We're in Niall's room playing games, aren't you coming?" After the shows, the energy and adrenaline take a while to wear off. Until that happens, they usually stay together, playing videogames and having fun. Until a few months ago, Harry was always with the other four, but recently, with the distance, he stopped showing up and the others stopped calling him. But Liam was always there.

“I was with Harry, he's not well. I think I'll stay with him tonight.” Liam tells Louis, who quickly changes his expression when he hears Harry's name. Don't get him wrong, he was worried. Everyone was, Harry was clearly not well. But a part of his conscience told him not to care, that Harry just wanted attention, pretending to be sick. Damn, he knew Harry would never do that, but for some reason he ignored his instinct to worry and let his hurt feelings speak louder. 

“Whatever, we'll be there if you need us,” Liam noticed the hurt in his voice, but didn't comment, smiled and continued on to Harry's room. 

He opens the door carefully and lies down next to the younger man. The exhaustion from the show made him fall asleep in less than two minutes, succumbing to the welcoming darkness of dreams. That is, until he woke up to the sound of sobbing. It took him a while to regain consciousness, and then he remembered he was in Harry's room. He jumped up, seeing that the younger boy was not beside him. He turns on the lamp beside him, and then he sees. 

Harry is on the floor, leaning against the wall facing the door. His arms embrace his knees, which are bent against his chest, and his chin rests on them. His eyes are bright and his cheeks are stained with tears that won't stop flowing. He seems distant, not the Harry they know. This is a different Harry, one that none of them have ever seen before. 

Liam gets up and approaches, sitting down next to Harry. He calls out to him, but is afraid that touching him will upset him. He is clearly on the verge of a panic attack. 

“Harry... Harry, look at me, it's me, Liam... Harry, please.” He can't help himself and touches the younger boy's shoulder.

Harry sobs, a raw and desperate sob that says everything and nothing at the same time. If before he had tears streaming down his face, now they are overflowing. Harry has broken down. For him, it's as if that touch of affection and brotherhood, which he hadn't felt in months, triggered all his suffering. He needed that touch, he needed to know that the boys still cared about him, even after everything. He needed to feel a touch that wasn't Matt's. The memories hit him hard, the panic increases. 

Liam is desperate, he's never seen Harry like this. He's never seen anyone like this, to be honest. He's seen other people have attacks, but nothing compares to this. Harry was gasping for air, desperate as if he were dying. Despair takes over and for a moment he just stands there staring at the empty eyes in front of him. A sob from the boy cowering in front of him brings him back to reality. He acts.

“Harry, it's okay, it's okay, it's me, it's Liam... listen to me...” He holds Harry's head with his hands, forcing his dull green eyes to look into his. “Look at me... no, Harry, look at me... count your breaths with me.” He tries to look away, but Liam brings him back again, his insistence seeming to capture something in Harry because now, even from a distance, he seems to be paying attention. “Take a deep breath, one... exhale...two... exhale...three... exhale...” They continue to synchronize their breathing until Harry calms down, which takes a few minutes. 

With his breathing now stable, thanks to Liam, he seems more present. Slowly, he remembers everything, all the recent events, and then he remembers why he had that attack. A nightmare, or rather a memory. He remembered that day, the day Matt destroyed the innocent Harry and left a shell in his place. The memory of the events brings new tears, he would have distanced himself again, but Liam stops him once more.

“Harry, hey... it's okay now. See? We're here, in your dressing room... I'm here.” He stares at the younger man, with a look and tone of voice that show only concern and curiosity. He doesn't touch him, not knowing if he has permission, after his last touch shattered him. But he doesn't need to, because Harry throws himself at him.

Harry almost knocks him to the floor, surprised by the curly-haired boy's desperate embrace. It takes him a second, and then he hugs Harry back, who has started crying again. Liam doesn't know where all the tears are coming from. He leans against the wall and pulls Harry with him, rocking the younger boy who is sobbing again. He rests his chin on the curly hair and can't help but notice that Harry is hot, probably with a fever. 

“It's okay, it's okay... I'm here with you.” He keeps repeating this, not knowing what else to say. It seems to work, Harry takes a while, but calms down again with Liam's whispers.

Suddenly, he seems to remember that he threw himself at Liam and, almost as if he were ashamed, he pulls away. He stays by his side, but doesn't touch him anymore. They stay like this for a while, both lost in thoughts, both having a lot to say, but refusing to say anything. Harry knows that if he starts, he won't stop, and yet he does.

“I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, Li.” Liam doesn't know what Harry is apologizing for, whether it's for the hug, for his weakness, or for his distance. He was about to ask, but Harry didn't let him. 

“I trusted him. I trusted Matt.” He continues to shake and cry uncontrollably. "I thought we were friends, he was so nice to me. But he got weird and suddenly seemed to want more than friendship, and I didn't want that. I distanced myself, ignored him, but it didn't work, and now I'm nothing but a shadow of what I used to be. I'm broken, and it's my fault." Harry stops, crying hard again. Liam doesn't comfort him now, trying to understand what Harry meant, everything is very confusing.

Weren't Matt and Harry close? Now that he mentioned it, Liam realized he hadn't seen them together in a long time. They were so angry with him that they hardly noticed. But what did Harry mean? Did Matt want more than friendship? Did they fight? Liam didn't understand what had happened, didn't want to push it, so he just stood there thinking while Harry sobbed beside him with his head down, resting on his hand. After what seemed like an eternity, Liam realized. Harry wasn't going to continue, but he needed to know. 

“Harry, what happened? Did you guys fight? What do you mean he wanted more than friendship? Did he try something?” From the younger man's expression, Liam realized that yes, he had tried something, but what?

“I can't tell you,” he said, his voice breaking.

"Harry, please. You can trust me," Liam retorted, trying to convince him.

“I can't trust anyone, Liam. I trusted him, and look what he did to me.” Harry shouted and didn't stop. “I trusted him, I can't believe he did that, he broke me, shattered me, forced me to...” He stopped, unable to continue.

“Forced you? Forced you to do what?” Harry remains silent, stopping crying and staring at the wall in front of him with an even emptier look. “Harry, please, tell me. I already told you, you can trust me, I promise.”

"It's not about trust, Liam. I can't. If I tell you, you'll be disgusted with me, you'll hate me even more." The insinuation that Liam hated him was too much. 

"Harry, listen to me. I don't hate you, I never have and I never will. You're my little brother. I may be angry with you for acting like an idiot, but I still care. Come on, man, I'm here. Nothing will change that. What did he do, Harry? You have to tell me, please, I beg you." The sincerity in Liam's voice convinced Harry, but that alone wasn't enough. He struggled to open his mouth, as if to let it all out, but then he closed it again. He took a few deep breaths and then tried again, with more courage than he had ever needed before. 

“He hurt me, he forced me...” He pauses, a grimace of pain filling his face. He looks like he's aged years. “He forced me against the bed and... and he abused me.” The last sentence comes out in a whisper. If Liam hadn't been inches away from him, he wouldn't have heard it. But he did. 

Understanding dawns on the older man. The words spoken earlier about the cameraman betraying him, breaking him, and hurting him, combined with the current confession, make Liam realize what really happened. He doesn't know what to do, what to say. He just stares at Harry, who holds his breath, as if afraid of Liam's reaction. 

“Did he... did he abuse you?” Liam asks, a lump forming in his throat. Harry nods positively and silent tears overflow again. Liam has questions, many, but now is not the time. Perhaps, at another time, he can get his answers, when Harry gets better. But now he hugs Harry once more, giving him the comfort and affection he so desperately needed. 

Relief and exhaustion take over his body. The lightness of a secret revealed and the love that the older man, despite everything, still shows, begins to show through sleep. Harry closes his eyes, about to pass out from exhaustion. Liam carries him to bed.

Liam strokes his hair, the two lying face to face in an intimate position that, out of context, would seem like something else, but there, with these revelations, was nothing more than brotherly love. Liam, also with tears in his eyes, just looks at Harry, observing his dark circles, his pained expression, his now thinner body. How did none of them notice? How did they not see? Did they have the audacity not to notice and still blame Harry, fight with him, and distance themselves?

“I'm sorry, H... I'm really sorry,” Liam says quietly, whispering.

“For what?” Harry keeps his eyes closed, exhaustion and relief evident in his voice.

“For being such jerks to you. You needed us, and no one was there for you.” A silence follows. Liam knows Harry heard him, but he doesn't know if he understands what he means. The boy is exhausted, and Liam realizes that this is not the ideal moment. He will apologize properly to Harry later, when he is sure he will listen.

Still stroking his head and lost in thought, he notices that Harry's breathing has slowed. He was asleep now, dried tears staining his cheek. He gently runs his hands over them and kisses Harry's forehead. A simple gesture full of love.

“Good night, H,” he whispers and smiles sadly at the younger boy, falling asleep a few seconds later, overcome by the same exhaustion that enveloped the figure in front of him.

Present days

Harry opens his eyes, my God, how he missed Liam. The man who was not only there for him at that moment, but in all the years that followed. He was there for him through everything, through all the worst moments of his life, supporting him, helping him. He realizes now, he only endured everything for his sake. He wanted to have been there for Liam at that hotel in Argentina too...

His thoughts are interrupted by the arrival of Louis and Zayn.