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Megan’s eyes squint in pain as she registers the morning light in her wake. Her heart— already heavy as her eyelids—sinks even further. Sigh, it’s another day, she thinks. Another day being crushed underneath this weight of feelings she swears she totally doesn’t have. Totally. Definitely.
Yeah.
There had been a time (just a few weeks ago was the last time, but time flowed differently in Megan’s mind, Megan’s body, Megan’s soul) when she would look forward to waking up and greet the new day. These mornings implied afternoons that then implied evenings—all spent with Yoonchae. And, just as quickly as the day had begun, it’s gone like disappearing particles caught in the wind come nighttime.
Maybe she had been too greedy, if you put it that way.
She could’ve—she supposes—just “lived in the moment” or whatever.
But when you’re in love with Jeung Yoonchae (no, she isn’t in love), barely-not-even-there 18 when you’re about to turn 20 (wow, what a definitely dramatic age gap), it’s hard not to be conscious of time. Megan has seen multiple versions of Yoonchae over the past few years of knowing each other. Well—let’s rephrase that, actually. There is only one—one and devastatingly beautiful—version of Yoonchae. She thinks about being 15 and 17. Then 16 and 18. 17 and 19. In every year spent with Yoonchae, she can see Yoonchae grow into this kind of person designed to wreck her specifically.
So yes, one version of Yoonchae, just… growing into someone Megan hasn’t prepared herself for. What then if Yoonchae grows too fast and realizes that she wants nothing to do with Megan when this is all over? Or what if they grow too much into each other that it destroys them?
Ugh. Too many thoughts and it’s barely 7 am.
Where were we?
Ah.
Yes, another morning.
She gets up. Showers. Puts on those jeans that the fans make fun of her for. Hey, they look good, alright? Why else would she be wearing them all the damn time? Stares into the mirror for what seemed like an eternity, puts on makeup.
Tired eyes look back at her. When had this happened? When did mornings become something she dreaded? Seeing Yoonchae used to be the best part of her day, and now she’s here—willing her stomach to stay put at the thought of seeing her again. Why though?
Megan had always been so greedy when it came to Yoonchae. It seems like that greed has caught up to consume her like a burning flame, which felt cosmically unfair. Megan didn’t choose this, no. She walked into this blind. Or did she know what she was in for? Megan, stop thinking. You’re going to be late, and you’re never late.
She lingers inside her M3 for so long, one might regard her as homeless. Megan’s slender fingers wrap around the steering wheel like an anchor as she inhales deeply. Just another practice day. Just another day among countless others. You can do this, Megan.
She gets out, locks her car, and practically speed walks towards their building.
The practice room greeted her as coldly as she had been the past few weeks. Sophia and Yoonchae were already there, as per usual, while the other three were running late. Again, as usual.
Megan sees herself in the reflection of the room’s mirrors and she shrinks within herself. There, she sees how tired she’s truly become. Deeper bags under her eyes. Her skin had been breaking out and she mentally notes that she has to buy another batch of acne patches. Ah, she hadn’t even bothered to brush her hair fully today.
She’d be lying if she said this was because of tour preparations.
See, Megan thrived in the chaos of it. Ha, beautiful chaos! That’s who she was. Always doing something. Maybe it’s cringe, but hey, you only live once. This is just another one of her side quests. There’s a lot someone can do when you’re as energetic and young as Megan. Acting, modeling, and now this! And Yoonchae—
Yoonchae is the complete opposite.
Yoonchae did not thrive in this kind of chaos.
Yoonchae liked sleeping in after an exhausting day. Megan remembers that time Yoonchae slept for a full 23 hours (might have to ask again, because 23 hours sound insane. Is insane, actually.)
Yoonchae liked doing nothing despite being good at everything. The paradox of Jeung Yoonchae is not lost on Megan. Here lies Megan, the supposed all-rounder, baffled by someone who excelled at everything and would rather do nothing. Meanwhile, she’s here collecting allergies left and right. Some all-rounder she is, yeah?
Yoonchae draws, can play the violin, the piano. She produces music (though the world including Megan have yet to hear any snippets) and likes writing (though she would always say that she isn’t the least bit poetic) (which is stupid)(because anything is poetic when looking at Jeung Yoonchae)(no, she isn’t in love).
How can someone be like that, honestly? Yoonchae is programmed in a way that makes Megan feel so… out of place. Megan was doing everything and is great at them, but when placed next to Yoonchae, she suddenly feels like an imposter ninety-nine percent of the time trying to prove something. To prove her worth. To justify all this emptiness.
Which isn't true. That's not the real Megan.
Megan does things because she loves doing those things and not necessarily because she has that insatiable hunger for self-worth.
Right?
Anyway, a lot of these quirks pile up to make one (1) Jeung Yoonchae, who only had one goal in mind: to become a K-POP idol. The rest? Well, they’re just details.
As a consequence of this big dream of hers, she had caught Megan Skiendiel in her grasp. Had Megan Skiendiel staring at her whenever she does anything that is so Yoonchae-designed. Had Megan Skiendiel imagining beats and lyrics in the safe harbor of her mind that has recently become tainted by thoughts she shouldn’t be having for someone who’s supposed to be… supposed to be what?
A little sister?
A junior?
Just a friend. Yes. That’s the safest word.
Dream Academy was pure torture and Megan hates that the documentary didn’t show how hell it truly was. She’s not special, the rest of the katz hated it. Yoonchae most probably does too, but she barely spoke of it. Despite everything, she’s glad she got out of it. She’s glad she has Yoonchae with her.
A thought rose up in Megan’s throat that it nearly choked her. What would’ve happened if Yoonchae didn’t debut with her? A very impossible thought —considering that Megan trusted that Yoonchae’s spot was secured long long long ago—but a frightening thought nonetheless.
It would’ve spared her from all this pain, probably.
Wait, actually…
No, it wouldn't.
The thought of never meeting Yoonchae makes Megan's heart hurt in ways she can't describe.
Megan.
Megan, make up your mind.
Anyway.
Megan's mind wanders off and trickles down to the details of it all. What was Yoonchae to her? What was Megan to Yoonchae? Is there such a world where meichae failed to exist? Megan's brain can't even begin to entertain it.
She thinks about how comfortable Yoonchae was with her during Dream Academy. How long ago was it? Megan lost track. So if she's turning twenty in… like… four months, Yoonchae turning eighteen in less than three weeks… wait… math is hard!
Point is, Megan met Yoonchae when they were 17 and 15 respectively.
Huh.
Been so long indeed.
Where was she?
Right, right. Yoonchae was comfortable with her. The most she's ever been comfortable with anyone, really. Megan knows this. She isn't blind nor is she oblivious. Yoonchae used to be so shy (she still is, just less so lately, but Megan will revisit that thought later), and didn't talk to anyone much, but talked to Megan a lot. When observing a girl who looks and feels like a fish out of water, that kind of thing is hard to miss.
Take me back to when I was your only friend.
A resounding laugh—Sophia's laugh, no doubt—breaks Megan out of her reverie. She's been doing this a lot lately: zone out, think about Yoonchae, a feeling like bile (jealousy) (no!) snakes its way into her throat, lock back into reality. Rinse and repeat. She wonders if anyone's figured her out yet. Being in a global pop group will expose you 24/7.
Has the world noticed?
Has Yoonchae noticed?
Nonsense. Yoonchae and the world? Synonymous! Er, maybe that's an exaggeration Megan files away into forget-me-land in her head.
“Megan! Earth to Megan!” Sophia's yelling at her now, waving exaggeratedly in a way only a theatre kid would. Ah, she was almost pulled into another spiral. Thank you, Sophia. For waking Megan up. Could you maybe wake her up from this nightmare too?
“Sorry, sorry, it's too damn early in the morning for me.” Megan says, trying to keep cool. Though there is a particular turbulence (turbulence?!) to her voice that just slipped up. She hopes that the two girls in front of her will dismiss it as “Megan's just being tired”.
“You're always tired lately, Megan,” Fuck. Read so soon? Yoonchae was the one to speak this time. That's Yoonchae, her “twin” always knowing what Megan's thinking about despite the language barrier. That's Yoonchae, and the only thing she doesn't know is she was always twisting Megan's heart with delicate, gentle fingers. “Sophia and I are just talking about our plans after… the… tour! Sit here. Beside me.”
Yoonchae pats the space behind her. After a few beats, pauses, whatever, Megan gives in, gently and slowly sitting down beside the space Yoonchae provided for her.
Megan could've sat beside Sophia. Or in front of them both. Or literally anywhere else in this practice room where it's just the three of them. Seriously, what's taking the other three so long?
But Yoonchae had said, “beside me”, as if she knew that Megan wouldn't hesitate. Wouldn't hesitate despite the shivers, the electrified skin, the dampness of her hands.
Yoonchae knows that Megan will find a way to slot herself into Yoonchae's life, and that makes it worse, somehow. This… korean girl who had basically left everything behind to pursue something adjacent to her dream—knows that Megan will always show up.
Should she be glad? Honored, even? That Yoonchae has faith in Megan's loyalty like she's some fucking dog? Or should she be appalled, offended, and swallowed by guilt?
Because.
There's a because?
Because she's supposed to be the older one. Megan. Well, it's not that drastic of an age gap—they were only one year apart—but there's a funny, almost ironic metaphor hidden in there somewhere. Maybe it's because Yoonchae was born all the way in December, having to wait a whole year for her birthday, while Megan only had to wait for January to pass and boom, happy birthday to the dyslexic girl allergic to grass!
To put it simply: Yoonchae was so close yet so far away, as far as clichés go. Imagine that, only one year apart but it feels like Megan was significantly older. By no means is Megan ever 100% mature and adult—she had the kind of enthusiasm a child embodied and cried at the stupidest, smallest of things—but Megan can't help but feel almost… maternal (ew)? Older sister-like? Mentor-like? Every single one of these words summons disgust within Megan.
Megan has no words. Can't articulate.
Everything is just so… out of place!
To the fandom, this might come off as some sick joke. “Why are you babying Yoonchae? She's literally 17.” “Yoonchae can speak for herself, why is everyone answering for her?” “She's turning 18 and will be the cuntiest woman you'll ever see. She's not some cutiepie!”
To Megan, these are all very valid comments. No one likes being babied. No one likes being treated as some fragile thing.
So how else can you describe Yoonchae?
Yes, she's brave. But she's a constant contradiction in Megan's point of view. She's brave for doing all this, for sucking it up and learning English, for leaving the comfort of her home, for navigating a completely different culture where everything must be so loud.
And yet.
She's also so shy. Megan revisits her thought from earlier. Some days she can order her food on her own. Other days, she has to wait for Sophia to get her what she wants. It all loops back to her thoughts from earlier before she was rudely interrupted (not rude, sorry Sophia) about Dream Academy Yoonchae. Who would've thought that this is the same person?
This girl just used to smile curtly and bow every single second she didn't need to. This girl used to go straight to Megan in a crowd full of people. She still kind of does, but she's grown so much bolder, Megan feels like Yoonchae has been slipping through her fingers. What then if Yoonchae doesn't look for her anymore?
Megan's thoughts were going haywire like some virus that duplicated itself in a computer. Okay. Okay. Let's pause. In summary: a 15-year-old girl who knew the most basic of English at best was thrust into a world full of loud Americans, and full of increasingly loud opinions about her (racism, basically).
You can't help but feel responsible for her somehow, especially when you meet her when she was 15. Megan was 15 too, when she entered Dream Academy. Megan was 17 then, when Yoonchae was 15.
Yoonchae is the 17-year-old now.
This same girl grew up—still growing up alongside Megan (who was turning 20 but would rather not think about it)—to be some kind of enigma. A puzzle. A pool of contradictions.
How many did Megan think of when it was barely—she checks the clock hung above the door—9 am?
Tick. Good at everything, would rather do nothing.
Tock. Confident and bold and yet somehow shy.
Tick.
Tock.
Many others that Megan's failed to put into words.
Wait, here's another one that barely caught up to Megan's thoughts. Yoonchae was—
“—and I will go back to Korea to perform with Yeonjun. How about you, Megan?” Yoonchae interrupts Megan's train of thought. Which she deserved, if she were to decide. She tries to squish down the guilt that came with the realization she hadn't been listening to Yoonchae at all. How could you have done that, how dare you do that, Megan Skiendiel?
Megan exhaled a breath she didn't know she was holding. “I don't know. I'll stay here in LA, probably. Most definitely. Emily is still in the area. We would probably… hangout.” She says a little too awkwardly. Yoonchae doesn't seem to pay it any mind.
“I'll miss you. When the tour is over, I mean. After. When I'm in Korea too.”
“Yeah?” Megan's organs rearranged themselves haphazardly within her.
“Yeah.”
“Well. I'll call you then.”
“That's nice. Do that. Please.”
Sophia coughs. Exaggeratedly again. As if to say: hey I'm also here? Yoonchae, will you not miss your other unnie too? Maybe flirt when I'm not here?
Flirt. Ha! Like Yoonchae knows if and when Megan flirts with her.
Wait. Does she? Know? Did they flirt with each other just a few seconds ago?
What had just happened? Megan hazily blinks, her eyes probably dry from all the zoning out and her lack of sleep. She stares ahead.
Tick.
Tock.
Tick.
Tock.
Nothing about Yoonchae made sense, honestly. Or perhaps that's a reflection on Megan's poor observational skills. Except Megan was great at observing! She knew how to translate dance moves into fluidity, knew when a song changes in tone, or when someone was slightly off-count.
The conversation between Sophia and Yoonchae droned on, going into Megan's ear and straight out the other. Megan realizes, with a metaphorical face-palm, that she had not been observational enough to know what the other two were talking about now.
Going back, nothing about Yoonchae made sense. There were no words to describe her. In fact, anything as bland as “beautiful” or “talented” cannot capture the magnitude of whatever Jeung Yoonchae is. She is—Megan realizes with pride but oddly tinged with guilt—in her own league.
Like water, Yoonchae adapts, which can probably explain the contradictions. She can slot herself, her entire being, her entire soul, into whatever space or condition the universe creates. How is she so… perfect but so… different at the same time? Like the kind of perfect that is redefined into another dictionary Megan has no access to?
Ah.
She remembers now what that thought was, when she was thinking of contradictions and whatnot.
The best way to describe Yoonchae was that she's perfectly out of place.
Yoonchae is a stranger to this place and this culture. Perhaps not literally, no. She'd been here for approximately two years now, maybe even longer. But metaphorically? Well, that's a different story.
Yet somehow, Yoonchae makes it work. She makes it home. A second home that doesn't compare, for sure. Megan knows Yoonchae gets homesick pretty often.
There's nothing wrong with being out of place if you're seeing Yoonchae from Megan's eyes. As someone who had struggled with finding her identity for so long, Megan is… pleased with this revelation. Finally, some common ground between them. They're both very versatile, just different in contexts. How can someone make being out of place somehow appealing and attractive?
Because, yeah, if you think about it, Megan’s still pretty out of place. Not the “I'm not like other girls” type (hell no, definitely not!) but it's definitely not the way Yoonchae does it.
Megan feels out of place. Yoonchae is out of place, but does it splendidly. Like… her own flare of being out of place. Ugh.
Yoonchae laughs, her maximum 3 HA's, and her hand lands on Megan's knee. Stays there. For a few seconds too long.
Megan's eyes stare at it and if she were Superman, there'd be a hole drilled into Yoonchae's hand by now. But that's mean and cruel. You can't be mean and cruel to Yoonchae and get away with it.
She wants to— to—
She wants to take it and intertwine her fingers with Yoonchae's delicate ones. Why is her heart beating so fast? They've done this a million times. Well, she has and Yoonchae just lets her.
Just lets her?
What is this? Another contradiction? Yoonchae is averse to physical touch. Not in a hateful way, nah. She just… kind of accepts it? Stands awkwardly to receive it most of the time.
But with Megan, god, she leans into it. Maybe Megan has some big delusion in her head, but she is 100% convinced that Yoonchae looks for it too, if it's from her.
No.
What if—
What if Yoonchae is in love with Megan?
That complicates things so fucking much.
With a shaky hand, Megan slowly eases Yoonchae's hand into hers. Megan tries to ignore the badumps her heart has been giving her.
She turns her head subtly, with eyes doing all the work. Yoonchae is caught in the corner of her eye and…
nothing?
Not even a hitch of breath? Not even a glance? Still talking to Sophia?
Megan didn't know what she was expecting.
Was she expecting anything to begin with? She doesn't know. She wishes she has all the answers in the world, but none would ever quiet this thing that her heart was doing.
She fully takes a glance at Yoonchae this time. Soft skin… soft lips… no makeup today. Hey, Yoonchae, you're looking pretty today. But you always look so pretty, even when you're trying not to be.
Megan wants to reach out and trace the galaxy of Yoonchae's face. If Sophia weren't here, would she? Allow herself to do that? Would Yoonchae let her?
She wants to cry. Megan wants to die and never cry again.
She sees it now. Hmmm, feels it more than anything.
She is undeniably in love with Yoonchae. Hell, why spend the entire morning thinking and analyzing this whole thing, if not that?
Why would Megan wake up with a heavy heart, dreading this entire thing she has with Yoonchae every morning?
Stupid! Stupid, stupid, stupid Megan!
This is Yoonchae we're talking about! Beautiful, perfectly out of place, Yoonchae! And you're supposed to be the older one! You've said multiple times that she is your younger sister!
She can't take advantage of Yoonchae's naivety like that. If you could even call Yoonchae naïve, that is.
Yoonchae's far from naïve. Sure, there's a lot of things she doesn't know. But if you put Megan in Korea, she'd be just as lost. Hell, when they were all in Korea, they just followed whatever Yoonchae said!
God, Megan is so tired of these “Yoonchae is A, but can also be B, which is a contradiction to A. Actually, maybe scrap A.”
“Megan,” Yoonchae, as soft as the morning sun, calls out to her in a whisper. “Are you okay?”
Megan stutters. Her heart stutters. Her brain stutters. Hey Yoonchae, could you forgive Megan for having these thoughts for someone she's supposed to look after and not have feelings for?
“Y-yes. I'm fine. Just too tired. We've been practicing for this tour for so long I—,” Megan takes a deep breath. Recalibrates herself. She squeezes Yoonchae's hand once, and allows herself to look into Yoonchae's eyes. “I hope we do well.”
She doesn't say: I'm in love with you.
Doesn't say: I'm in love with you and it's killing me inside out.
Doesn't say: I'm in love with you and it's killing me inside out, because it's wrong. Because I'm supposed to look after you. But being in love with you feels forbidden somehow, like I'd taint you. I'm not a bad person, Yoonchae. But you're so perfect, I feel like I could ruin you.
But Yoonchae seems to be doing fine. She seems unbothered. Nothing about her demeanor implied that a simple hand-holding is ruining her.
So, let's say—hypothetically—if Megan were to— to—
If Megan were to kiss Yoonchae, Yoonchae would be fine with it?
Are you crazy, Megan? Imagine Dream Academy Yoonchae!
But people change all the time. They've both grown, they're not 15 and 17 anymore.
That doesn't make it right.
“We'll do well, Megan. We always do.” Yoonchae squeezes Megan's hand back.
Before Megan could say anything else, Daniela, Lara, and Manon barge into the practice room all sweaty. Spiraling can be continued later. For now, she just has to make sure she doesn't zone out during practice. It would be very catastrophic (not really. Megan's an amazing dancer and her muscle memory is flawless).
She reluctantly lets go of Yoonchae's hand. Gets up. She's suddenly feeling energized. Yes, this is what brings her to life.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
What currently urges her on death's door, however, is Yoonchae.
Everything was sinking in. All those revelations piled up and sat on Megan's shoulders. If the saying “the straw that broke the camel's back” needed any visual representation, Megan would be perfect for it.
The rest were asleep by now. They had been for quite some time. It was nearing 3 am, and Megan willed herself out of her bedroom. She can't sleep. If she sleeps, it'll be another day—which in hindsight is very flawed logically considering it'll be another day regardless—of facing Yoonchae but this time it will have the weight of everything she just realized.
She stares at herself in the bathroom mirror. Is this the same Megan from before those revelations, all those contradictions that messed with her head? Or is this a completely different person now who wishes to go back to whoever she was before this?
She wishes she could go back to when Yoonchae was just a friend and not some girl she loves. Except Megan doesn't know if such a time ever existed. Except Yoonchae wasn't some girl. She was Yoonchae, for goodness sake! Stupidly, perfectly, out of place Yoonchae!
Yoonchae, who was nothing but kind. Yoonchae, who was gently mean. Yoonchae, who was good at everything, but would rather do nothing. Yoonchae, who—
Enough. She's been thinking about this everyday for the past few weeks. These thoughts were probably laid dormant in her head for far longer than that if she were to be completely honest with herself—which she rarely ever was.
Everything is too loud. Strangely loud for a 3 am alone session. Everything was dark. Everything felt fuzzy.
Megan's hands were gripping the sink so hard she could break it if she were a little stronger.
But she's weak, she thinks. She's weak and can't fight off these feelings. Amidst all this overthinking, she feels like she's already lost sight of why this bothered her so much. Why was she so bothered in the first place?
This guilt that has been eating her up had no name. It felt so out of place. Sounds familiar?
But no. This isn't Yoonchae's fault. All she did was be beautiful and kind and so very Yoonchae.
Ugh.
A glint catches Megan's eye.
A pair of scissors lay a few cabinets away from the bathroom mirror.
She shouldn't. She really shouldn't.
Okay, so what body part of hers won't show during the tour?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Megan's eyes squint in pain once more, but she could feel the heaviness of her eyelids more than usual this morning. Another day. Another day of Megan being crushed underneath the weight of all the feelings she now knows.
It's barely 7 am. She had 2 hours of sleep, which was generous by her standards.
She tosses the blanket away and…
Blood stains on her sheets by her ankles.
Right.
She sighs tiredly. How stupid of her not to clean up properly. She gets up, as she always does, because the world didn't stop for Megan Skiendiel.
Before she could clean up, there were knocks on her door.
What the fuck? She lived alone!
“Megan, it's me, Yoonchae! I brought some breakfast!” Yoonchae exclaims.
Megan’s stomach drops. Yoonchae?
“...Yoonchae?”
Said girl opens the door gently, always gentle. Megan's entire body freezes up, and she chides herself in her sleep-deprived brain.
Yoonchae… just stands there. Her eyes widened in shock, understandably so. Megan could see Yoonchae look at the bloodied sheets, then at her legs, then back at the sheets.
“Yoonchae—”
“...what's wrong?” Yoonchae's eyes glistened and softened. No scolding. No demands. Just Yoonchae asking her what's wrong in such a soothing voice. Ha, soothing shell. Megan understands it now.
All of that makes it worse somehow. Why are you asking a monster what's wrong? Why are you being so kind? Shouldn't you be angry, Yoonchae?
Megan says nothing.
Yoonchae, beautiful beautiful Yoonchae, crosses the room in three quick strides. She wasn't rushing it seemed, she took her time. Maybe it was to make sure she doesn't scare Megan away. Maybe that's just how Yoonchae is.
She sets down the food on Megan's nightstand a few inches away. Megan doesn't look at the action.
Megan could feel the rush of blood in her veins. She could hear her heartbeat getting faster. Her forehead was getting damp from sweat. Eyes were focusing on the floor, on the bed, on the sleeves of her night shirt— anywhere that isn't Yoonchae.
But Yoonchae doesn't push. Doesn't demand much really. Megan appreciates that more than she'll ever admit.
Suddenly, two arms wrap around her. Not too tightly, but not too loose either. It was… an invitation at best. Megan knows. Megan knows this is Yoonchae saying hey, you don't need to feel pressured. Lean in or pull away. Talk or don't talk.
I'm here.
Yoonchae's here.
Yoonchae's here and suddenly Megan forgot everything she was so worried about.
Her tears trickle down before she could even stop it. Everything feels so… so… so real.
Yoonchae's not this pile of contradictions, which is an ironic thing to say after analyzing every contradiction that intruded Megan's thoughts. This girl is human, complex, and nuanced. Which should've been obvious, honestly.
But feelings made everything complicated and blurred the edges of rationality.
Yoonchae is very much real and not a concept to be analyzed.
Yoonchae could very much be in love, and love had no direct contradiction. It just is.
Megan's stiffened form relaxes after what seemed like a century, an eternity, and she pulls Yoonchae closer. Always closer.
Megan felt loved.
And Megan felt loved for the first time in what seemed like forever.
And as Yoonchae grasped Megan tight, she felt like she was in the arms of God.
There Megan wailed.
And there she wailed, oh,
Yoonchae, you're perfectly out of place.