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My body felt heavy when I woke up this morning. It was like my clothes were drenched with water after falling into a swimming pool and made it hard to move. I stared at the ceiling through my tired and half-lidded eyes. The faint light from my room window was the sun rays filtering through the curtains. I had woken up late again.
My eyes drifted over to my side where my phone was charging. I picked it up and turned it on. 12:39 PM it read. I slept until the afternoon. Again.
With a heavy sigh, I flopped back down in bed. My brain was already racing despite how heavy my body felt. I closed my eyes.
It’s already afternoon, idiot. You should have woken up early.
I opened them again and saw it once more. The Black Hole that followed me everywhere. It glared at me like I was something shameful, filthy, disgusting, which was most likely true, since I hadn’t had a shower in 2 weeks.
When will you get up and do something with your stupid life?
I sighed heavily again. “I don’t feel like it again today.”
The Black Hole flared again. The wisps that surrounded it seemed to glow ablaze with blue flame.
Are you deliberately trying to piss me off?! You’re a joke! What do you mean “I don’t feel like it again today”?! You say that every f***ig day!!
The Black Hole’s tone didn’t phase me at all. Everything sounded like it was very far away. My body felt heavier. I didn’t answer, because what else could I do to please it? I tried and tried. For the longest time I tried. And I was succeeding. I had everything. My job, my degrees, the approval.
And now I’m here, rotting in bed for the past year and a half with much of nothing except an empty and unkept apartment and a stupid Black Hole for a companion.
I rolled onto my back and gazed at the ceiling again, trying to avoid the Black Hole’s angry look. Of course, it didn’t listen. The Black Hole was a stubborn little punk. It refused to leave unless I actually got up and did something useful with my life again. It slithered around me to settle onto my chest. Its glare was still there, though a lot less.
Why do you always do this? It spat out. Never lifting a finger to do anything. Pathetic. No wonder everybody tells you to shut up and exclude you.
I just shrugged at its words. “I’ve known that forever now.”
Then why are you laying here being utterly useless, huh?! The Black Hole snapped. You would be twice as successful now as you were before if you hadn’t given up!!
I turned my face away from it. I didn’t want the sudden tears in my eyes to flow. It would just make the Black Hole stronger.
“I didn’t give up. I just…” I swallowed the lump in my throat. “I just need to… to lie down.”
Right. And you have been lying down for almost 2 Goddamn years. Face it, brat. You gave up.
A tear rolled down my cheek. My heart felt like a stone in my chest. It weighed me down further.
“I gave up,” I repeat. My voice was strained and weak. “So what if I did? I’m useless, right? I don’t matter.”
The Black Hole seemed to stop for a second. It’s as if my words were confusing to understand. 3 more seconds passed. The Black Hole finally sighed and rested itself in the crook of my neck. It always does this after one of our talks, and it’s one of the things I’ve learned I can’t live without. Perhaps this is what loving and being loved feels like for other people.
I rolled over in bed and wrapped my arms around myself, hugging The Black Hole with them.
Just sleep more. The day is wasted anyway.
I just nodded as more silent tears ran down my cheeks. My body finally sunk into the blankets and mattress, too heavy to be lifted off anymore. It was like a cocoon for an animal in hibernation.
One that didn’t care if it died in the cold or when it returned eventually for spring.
The Black Hole just stayed with me in my arms. I shivered as I cried quietly. The Black Hole, knowing my sadness too well, expanded its black wisps to envelop me, like a big dark blanket that covered my head and body snugly.
Just sleep. That’s all you ever do. The day is wasted anyway.
Those words were whispered to me over and over until I fell asleep, swallowed whole by the only comfort I knew.
My forever companion, The Black Hole.