Chapter Text
When Gotak finally got home, it wasn’t that late—maybe a little past seven, he hadn’t really checked. All he’d done was taken a shower, skipped the dinner his mom left him, and laid in bed.
His day was exhausting. He’d had trouble staying asleep the night before and barely eating didn’t help. Then going to school and seeing Suho right after, not to mention his conversation with Sieun and all the new thoughts in his head. All he wanted to do was go to sleep.
He fell in and out of consciousness, tossing and turning in bed as he did the same with Sieun’s words in his head.
Sieun said they could tell Gotak was acting differently. Maybe all of his avoidance wasn’t working and Sieun was right.
When Gotak’s leg was injured by Seongje and Baekjin—those assholes—he was in a cast for a while. The doctors told him to take it easy for a while after he got it off. Barred him from taekwondo. But eventually, he picked up basketball and even threw in a kick when he got in a street fight.
But how would that method work even here? Does he just find a girlfriend to be his basketball and kiss Baku on the side like he’s taekwondo? What the hell did Sieun even mean?
He’d been woken up by—or maybe he was already awake, it was hard to tell—the familiar ring of his doorbell. He was unsure of the time, but he knew who it was anyway. His house only ever had one unannounced visitor.
Gotak’s legs shook as he made his way to the door. He didn’t want to see anyone at all, especially not the person who he could already see burned into the backs of his eyelids.
“Gotak!” Baku’s face lit up the night as his friend opened the door. “Thank you, my dad was being crazy again,” he sighed, walking in as Gotak stepped aside.
“He was so mad, ‘cause I got home too late from the hospital. Throwing things and stuff,” Baku chuckled with a smile on his face despite the reality of his words. Baku never failed to lighten the mood, even now Gotak wanted to smile back at him.
His smile was beautiful even through his messy hair and ratty outfit. His tattered appearance didn’t seem to matter, just the fact that it was Park Humin made it perfect. It didn’t matter if his hair was tangled from the wind or freshly styled in front of the bathroom mirror. His size-too-big sweatpants were no better than his blue uniform trousers.
As much as Gotak hated himself, he loved Baku even more. His own self disgust, no matter how intense or unavoidable, could never seem to change how he saw his best friend.
“Yeah, it’s whatever, you can take the couch. I’m going back to my room,” Gotak groaned, rubbing his eyes. Maybe the sudden friction would hide the fact they were already red.
“What, dude, it’s only like, eleven! Don’t you wanna do something?” Baku whined as he slapped Gotak on the shoulder. It didn’t feel like anything anymore, Gotak wouldn’t let it. “And why am I sleeping on the couch all of a sudden?” he laughed.
Baku wanted to sleep on the couch, that’s what he begged for the last time he spent the night. It made no sense to be against it now.
“I just don’t feel well,” Gotak sighed, coming up with a quick excuse. “Don’t wanna get you sick,” he mumbled as he turned to go back to his room.
Something bad would happen if they were in a room together, surely. Gotak would be impulsive like he always was and do something that he would regret, forcing Baku to be like him. One touch and the infection would spread.
Baku grabbed the other boy’s face, turning it back to face him. The touch felt like nothing but the thought of Baku’s hand on Gotak’s jaw was overwhelming.
It reminded him of that day in the bathroom when Baku held his face and touched his back. It didn’t matter Baku was angry with him, he still held Gotak with so much love, even if it was only platonic.
“Fuck, stop!” Gotak ripped Baku’s hand off of his face. He squeezed the other boy’s wrist hard as he practically threw his hand back at him.
Gotak didn’t need to be reminded of how badly he wanted to pull Baku in closer. He was being bombarded with those thoughts enough without Baku’s magical touch.
“What is with you, asshole?” Baku stood there frozen, still in the doorway as he rubbed his wrist. That idiot, he was letting all the cold air in. It gave Gotak goosebumps that ran up his arms and neck, he’d only been wearing a t-shirt.
“I told you, I just don’t feel well,” Gotak whispered, staring down at his feet. He really, really did not feel well. He couldn’t even ignore it anymore. He was…yeah.
“You never feel well! You’re always saying that!” Baku huffed, crossing his arms as if he had caught Gotak in a lie. The smile on his face was lost, replaced with a thin line. Sieun was right, his friends did notice.
Gotak’s gaze didn’t move from the floor as Baku scolded him.
“Are you mad at me? Is that why you never wanna hang out anymore? Fuck, Gotak, is it ‘cause I said I was mad at you? Petty asshole,” Baku chuckled at the end of his words, swatting his hands in front of Gotak’s face as he continued looking down at the floor.
Could Baku please just truly be mad at Gotak for once? Upset enough so that Gotak wouldn’t be the one he ran to for once. Angry enough to let Gotak know it rather than acting as if nothing was wrong like he had done before. Mad enough to just not constantly remind Gotak that they were friends, and all Gotak wanted to do with the friendship was to ruin it.
“Ugh, close the door…” Gotak flinched, ignoring the questions his friend had asked. Baku should already know his friend wasn’t mad at him.
Baku gave up trying to get any reaction out of his friends, his hands falling to his sides as Gotak continued looking at the ground.
There was a pause in the room, neither of the boys moving. Gotak couldn’t bear to look back up at his friend, he couldn’t be met with more questions. All he wanted was for Baku to push past him—brush his shoulder—and take the couch like he had begged for back when they fought the Union.
“Gotak, I’m sorry, I’m not mad anymore. I just didn’t want you hurt. I love you, you’re—I love you,” Baku smiled at Gotak, finally closing the door behind him.
Baku’s stuttered sentence ringed in Gotak’s ears. Baku loved Gotak and it wasn’t enough, it still wasn’t the way he wanted. Gotak really was selfish, he was just like Sieun. He couldn’t say the words back to his own friend, the meaning wouldn’t be the same.
He wanted to take everything from Baku just to love him. His respect, his dignity, fuck, even his wedding. Ungrateful or selfish, whatever, that’s what he wanted. Maybe Baku could ignore Sieun for wanting that from someone else, but how could he forgive Gotak for wanting to take that from him?
Shit, Baku would hate him.
“Baku, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” the tears formed easily in Gotak’s eyes, spilling out like his apology. He repeated the sentence again and again, head falling into his hands.
“No, no, no, it’s okay, Gotak, I’m sorry,” Baku tried to pull him into a hug, a full one. God, how Gotak missed when Baku would do that and he would just let it happen. Before everything clicked into place and Baku’s touch didn’t matter, Gotak wanted to enjoy it like always, and fake annoyance like he hated it.
“No, don’t touch me!” Gotak shoved his friend away, but it didn’t do much to separate them given Baku’s strength. Another reminder of why Gotak loved him. His avoidance wasn’t fake anymore, although he wished it was.
“Gotak, are you bruised? Does it hurt? Shit. Is someone threatening you? Is it that asshole Keum Seongje? Gotak, tell me! Please,” Baku said, his voice much softer. He reached out for Gotak’s shirt, lifting it up to reveal his stomach.
It was scuffed, free from bruises but littered with healed cuts and scrapes from all the fights Gotak had gotten in for the sake of his friend, whether with others or with himself. His boxers barely poked out from his sweatpants providing a dark contrast to his pale skin.
Baku was seeing all of this. His underwear, the slight tone in his muscles, the cuts that didn’t go away. Gotak wanted to enjoy Baku’s stare on his stomach so badly it hurt like the cuts were fresh. It was too intimate, Baku should never see this part of him.
Gotak ripped his shirt back down, hiding his bare stomach from the other boy, like how it always should be.
“What part of stop can’t you understand?” his voice cracked, looking up only to see his equally teary eyed best friend in front of him.
“Why? Why won’t you let me? You always used to,” Baku’s voice was overpowering, just like every part of him. It rattled Gotak’s ribs and heart and lungs.
Gotak didn’t listen, choosing to wipe his own tears away instead of replying as he choked out another sob.
“Fuck, Gotak, do you…” Baku never got to finish before Gotak realized his best friend had figured it out.
Shit, he knew. Gotak shifted all his weight onto his bad knee to finally feel something in the conversation. Sparks of pain jumped up through his thigh and hip but it wasn’t enough. He should have just listened to Sieun and acted like nothing was wrong. It would have burned, it would have been disgusting, but at least Baku would have never known.
“I’m sorry…I’m so sorry, don’t—don’t hate me, I’ll get better, please Baku,” Gotak’s words got harder to push out as he spoke through sobs. Baku was his best friend, he knew everything about him. He could tell just like everyone else.
“Sorry for what? You didn’t even let me finish,” Baku tried his best to console his friend from a foot away. He reached out, hovering his hand above the other’s shoulder. He finally seemed to listen to Gotak, not touching him as he spoke.
Gotak looked up at his friend, guilt burning through his cheeks. His eyes were irritated, raw and red from the force he used to wipe his tears.
“What are you even talking about? You’ll get better?” Baku asked, he was so innocent.
Maybe losing Baku was what Gotak deserved. Sieun did say the loss would be worth it. Maybe it would be, he’d be able to forget this disgusting feeling. He’d be protecting Baku and himself. After all, everything he did seemed to be for his best friend. All those fights were meant to protect Baku, and that made the pain worth it. This would have to be no different. Who knows, maybe Baku would even forgive him one day.
But for now, Gotak had to get away from his friend. There only seemed to be one way to do that.
“Baku, I…shit, I like you, a lot,” Gotak hesitated to get his words out, wincing before he had finished.
“I know that, idiot, now tell me what’s up with you!”
Ah, why did Gotak’s best friend have to be such a dumbass?
“Fuck, Baku, you dumbass. I’m gay—I think—maybe. I don’t know,” he mumbled, going back to wiping his eyes.
“Oh…” Baku sighed. Gotak’s eyes were closed, he hadn’t gotten to see the expression on Baku’s face but he could imagine the mix of disgust and hate and betrayal that was there.
“Fuck!” Gotak kicked the air before stomping hard on the ground. His kick was petty, like a toddler about to throw a tantrum, nothing like the kicks he’d learned from taekwondo. After all, he didn’t want to hurt Baku, only himself.
The pain rattled up his leg and settled in his knee. He stomped again, shoving his heel into the wood flooring once again but it wasn’t enough. He pulled on his hair to feel the sting. Could that asshole please just react already? Quit staring and just punch his friend right in the face, maybe the stomach too if Gotak was lucky, and leave him doubled over in his apartment?
“Gotak, it’s okay, calm down,” Baku reached out for his friend, seemingly forgetting what he had just learned. He pulled Gotak’s hands out of his hair and left them at his sides.
Gotak let him, anticipating what his friend would do to him next. He needed to feel something, even if that something was a fist in his face.
Baku grabbed the other boy’s face, but it wasn’t painful. Well, of course it was painful, for Gotak, but to any normal person this touch would be a comfort.
It was caring, but nothing like that day when they fought the Union. This hold wasn’t kindness disguised as anger or aggression or annoyance. It no longer had to be hidden.
Gotak brought his hand back up to wipe the onslaught of tears from his eyes. With his now unobstructed vision, he saw Baku and he looked …he looked like he always did? At least, when he wasn’t in a bad mood.
The tears on his face were in the process of drying and he had that same stupid grin on his face that he always had. Shit, maybe Sieun was telling the truth and Baku really doesn’t care. But does he not at least want distance? Gotak wants things from Baku that he shouldn’t, he likes Baku’s touch in a way a true friend shouldn’t. And yet somehow Baku is standing only a foot away from him with his hands comforting his face.
Gotak sandwiched Baku’s hands between his own and his face. Really, he didn’t know what to do. But with Baku knowing his secret, and he still wanted to touch him, maybe he would allow—it just this once. Only because Baku knew about his friend's desires. The feeling of Baku’s warm hands on Gotak’s face had nothing to do with it.
Baku pulled Gotak closer than the thinner boy thought possible. They were face to face, inches apart, and before Gotak could realize what was happening their lips met. Gotak jolted in Baku’s hold as electricity shocked its way to his brain.
This was all his heart ever seemed to have wanted, even if he didn’t know it until a few weeks ago. It was overwhelming, too much for his brain and body to comprehend. Gotak removed Baku’s hands from his face. The shock felt like an electrocution as he turned his face away, this kiss only lasting as long as a strike of lightning.
His head didn’t go far though, instead it found its way to Baku’s shoulder. Gotak hadn’t stopped crying, even during the kiss, but now it had picked up once even more. He sobbed, leaving wet spots in Baku’s hoodie.
“I’m not…I’m…” but Gotak couldn’t finish, it wouldn’t be true. He really was.
Though, regardless of the statement's validity, was it really worth it to announce? Like, did it really matter that Baku—or anyone else—knew if Gotak was straight or gay or somewhere in between? That was for Gotak to know, for him to worry about, for him to decide for himself. It shouldn’t be on other people to point it out for him.
And really, Gotak wasn’t scared of his sexuality. He was scared of losing Baku, and the rest of his predetermined life, because of it.
After losing his ability for taekwondo, the thought of losing anything else always gnawed at the rest of his yet to be broken bones.
The pair stood in the entryway of Gotak’s house for what felt like hours as Gotak cried into his friend's shoulder. Baku’s hands had found their way to Gotak’s head and back, holding the thinner boy in a hug like no other he had felt before.
Gotak’s fingers were dug into Baku’s back like he was expecting Baku to leave and it was the only way to keep him there in Gotak’s life.
He didn’t speak in Baku’s arms, his mouth too occupied from the choked sobs he was letting out onto his friend. Baku spoke in hushed whispers, letting Gotak know that it was okay over and over again.
Eventually, Baku began to guide Gotak backward through his house like it was his own. Gotak let it all happen, legs melting along with Baku’s movement.
They reached Gotak’s bedroom door, and Baku finally let go of the back of his friend’s head to wiggle it open. Baku’s other hand remained steady in between Gotak’s shoulders as he walked him through the door, shutting it behind them.
Gotak finally let go of the other boy, making his way to his closet as he wiped his eyes and nose. Still not speaking, he shakily opened his closet door and pulled out Baku’s sleeping bag as it’s owner watched on.
He walked the few steps needed to meet Baku, holding the sleeping bag out with wobbling arms, and Baku took it, his expression neutral.
Gotak turned and fell into his bed as if he hadn’t been there just fifteen minutes ago. His pillow began to soak up the steady flow of his tears.
“Uhm, Gotak,” Baku began, carefully leaning down to place the sleeping bag on Gotak’s wooden floor. It was still wrapped up tight, just sitting in its case.
“Oh, do you not…? You can sleep on the couch,” Gotak mumbled into his pillow as he stared at Baku. His tears had yet to stop, flowing even more as he realized his friend didn’t want to be around him after their…moment. Gotak’s mind wouldn’t name what it was.
“No, well—can I,” Baku continued, taking a step forward toward Gotak’s twin sized mattress. Gotak didn’t move, watching Baku inch closer to him. Would they do it again? Gotak’s heart beat was shocked back alive at the thought, a spike of adrenaline charging his brain.
It had only been a peck on the lips, Gotak pulled away before anything more could happen. Maybe Baku wanted to try again. Gotak felt hopeful—almost.
“Can we share?” Baku asked wide eyed, staring at Gotak. A smile flashed onto Baku’s face as he spoke.
Gotak couldn’t admit that he wanted to, his brain wouldn’t let the words be formed in his mouth. His brain wouldn’t allow anything related to what he was become concrete in his mind. But his heart managed to pump a little extra blood into his body, mostly in his face, and he turned over on his side leaving just enough room for his friend.
The shared bed was small, barely enough room for one grown boy—let alone two, but Baku made it work by pressing their bodies together. Gotak faced away but didn’t fight their legs from becoming tangled together.
Limbs interlocked, they laid there together. Baku still in street clothes, but for once he seemed too occupied to steal clothes from Gotak’s dresser.
All of what Gotak did seemed to relate to making Baku happy, so if this was what Baku wanted—to…uh…kiss him and to lay with him—then maybe he would allow it. Just this once. He’d think about what that meant for him and for them in the morning. Though Gotak did know one thing for sure, Baku didn’t hate him. He felt so light at the thought he could’ve floated off the bed if Baku wasn’t pinning him down.
“Did you lock the door?” Gotak croaked out, still refusing to turn towards his friend. His face was finally in the process of drying, though his eyes were still far from done.
“No,” Baku mumbled, remaining in the bed against Gotak. His grip constricted more as he sighed against Gotak’s neck.
“Well can you?” Gotak huffed, staring at the wall in front of him.
“Mm, no, I’m too comfortable,” Baku hummed into his smaller friend’s back. The vibrations tickled as Gotak arched away from the touch, but Baku’s hold kept him in place.
“Whatever, asshole,” Gotak sighed, attempting to get up before his friend quickly stopped him. Baku wrapped his arm over Gotak’s shoulder, hand latching over the other boy’s side.
“No, it’s okay, I won’t let anyone steal you,” Baku squeezed Gotak tighter than Gotak thought Baku’s strength was capable of as he dug his head into his neck.
Gotak’s heavy eyelids made finding sleep easy. The comfort surrounding him helped a little too, maybe. Whatever.
- - -
Gotak woke up still in his friend’s arms and he didn’t dare to move. He stared at the blank wall in front of him in the dark, enjoying the feeling of their legs being intertwined.
Maybe Sieun was right, there was no wedding grand enough to feel better than this. Not only did Baku not hate him, but he seemed to want everything that Gotak did.
But part of Gotak couldn’t help but feel nauseous. He was laying here, in his own bed, with another man. Something he’d laughed at, something he’d been told was wrong and he agreed. Yet here he was, doing that exact thing.
Gotak’s eyes became wet once again. He was ruining Baku’s life just for a kiss.
Baku started to stir, still attached to Gotak. Gotak blinked hard in an attempt to bat his tears away. As soon as Baku’s grip loosened slightly, Gotak slipped free from his grasp. He crawled over the foot of his bed just to get out without disturbing his friend.
Gotak felt strangely energized as he stood up at the end of his bed. His eyes were heavy, but only from the few tears they had made. This had been the first time in weeks he’d slept perfectly fine—not waking up in the night or taking ages to fall asleep. It was also the first time he had fallen asleep in another man’s arms.
Baku, now having it all to himself, stretched out in Gotak’s bed as he picked his head up. “Mm, Gotak?” he mumbled, still in the process of waking up.
Gotak didn’t respond, he was too focused on the sliver of light shining through his cracked bedroom door.
“Damn it Baku, I told you to lock the door! Why the fuck is it open?” he whispered, voice hushed.
“Huh…” Baku squinted at the bright light poking through the doorway. “Dude, your door is barely open, so how the hell can you tell your front door is open?” he spoke as his eyes adjusted to the light.
“Fucking idiot! My door is the one I wanted you to lock!” Gotak groaned, burying his head in his hands.
“Who even cares, a draft probably opened it or something,” Baku huffed, sitting up in the bed as he rubbed his eyes.
“Stupid, that’s not how drafts work,” Gotak sighed, wiping tears from his eyes before they’d had a chance to form.
Gotak’s mom checking on him as he slept was nothing new, she had done it since he was a baby. As he grew and his mother was able to leave him home alone, it stopped becoming a check as to if he was asleep and turned into checking he was there. It wasn’t uncommon for Gotak to wake up to a barely open door, and that morning was no different.
No way his mother would still be able to find relief at the sight of her son in bed when that bed was being shared with another man.
As angry as he was, he didn’t want to stress Baku out or make him feel bad over his mother possibly seeing them.
“Whatever, just—when we go to school,” Gotak exhaled, running his fingers through his hair. “Don’t tell anyone.” Gotak prayed his friend was smart enough to realize he wasn’t referring to his partially open door.
Gotak stayed staring at the open door in the middle of his room until Baku finally got up too, telling him to get ready for school.