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“I don’t fully understand what we’re doing.”
“A social media trend,” Sirius said.
“Oh, look at you, Mr Cool Dad.”
“I’m the coolest.”
“Disagree.”
“You can’t think you’re cooler than me.” Sirius tried not to laugh but between him and his husband, it was pretty obvious who the cool one was. Sirius was roguish, covered in tattoos and carefree. Remus wore old man jumpers and made bad puns.
“Neither of you are cool,” Regulus said flatly from where he was setting up the camera. “The only actually cool adult I know is Kingsley.”
Offence surged through him. “Take that back right now!”
“No.”
“Okay, I’ll accept that Kingsley is cooler than me,” Remus said carefully, “but I think your appa and I are cool. We’re very chillaxed parents.”
“Nobody says chillaxed.”
“Ffyc.”
Sirius crossed his arms. “I’m so cool I’m not even going to argue anymore.”
“Whatever you say.” Regulus stepped away from the camera and moved to sit just behind them. “Are you both ready?”
“What exactly are we doing again?”
“Says the cool parent,” Remus said mulishly.
Regulus pointedly waved the paper in his hands. “Barty and I were scrolling through TikTok the other day and we saw a girl do a trend with her ‘non-strict’ mum where she asked her how she would react to various situations. We sent it to the group chat and Dorcas said it would be hilarious to see how you two responded since nobody else has parents like you.”
“Because we’re cool,” Sirius stressed.
“No, because neither of you like disciplining me.”
“You make it so hard,” Remus complained.
“There’s no need to discipline you most of the time,” Sirius said plainly as he leaned back in his chair. He gave up trying to act like he knew more than Regulus when he was tiny. Now he was sixteen, rapidly approaching the beginning of a new chapter in his life labelled ‘university’. Also known as the thing Sirius feared most.
Regulus’ pleasure was easy to decipher from the set of his shoulders and with a wave of his hand he urged them to turn back to the camera. “Okay, I’ll edit this down and post it later, but first—”
“Wait, you’re going to post this?” Sirius fretted. “Is that safe?”
“You’re not supposed to be online for the world to see,” Remus said unhappily.
“Exactly. Private accounts only. What if you attract some freak stalker?”
“This isn’t very cool of you.”
“Fuck being cool, I’m not letting some filthy creep get his hands on my baby.”
“Moving on.” Regulus shifted the papers around. “First question: how would you react if I snuck someone into the house?”
“Wonder how you got past the security system,” Sirius said immediately.
“You wouldn’t do that,” Remus said with a frown. “You would just ask us if you could have a friend over.”
Already frustrated, Regulus sighed. “Dad, that’s not the point.”
“Okay, then I would also wonder how you managed to evade triggering the security alarms.”
”You wouldn’t punish me?”
“For your ingenuity?”
From the corner of his eye he saw Regulus shake his head in disbelief. “Thrilling, truly. Next question: how would you react if you found drugs in my room?”
“Have Barty locked up because obviously they were his,” Sirius said calmly.
“Appa.”
“What?”
Regulus groaned. “Imagine they’re mine.”
Remus frowned. “Bumblebee, you wouldn’t do drugs, you’re smarter than that.”
“You’re both killing me.” Regulus sighed again. “Imagine you walked in on me in my room doing drugs. Nobody else is there, it’s just me.”
Sirius pondered the scenario. “What kind of drugs?”
Regulus paused, then said, “Cocaine.”
“Oh, that’s a bad one. I’d have whoever sold them to you thrown in prison or beheaded and then send you to rehab.”
“We don’t behead people anymore.”
“Says who?”
Regulus sighed. “You wouldn’t tell me off?”
“Baby, you’re too little for drugs. It wouldn’t be your fault.”
“Heaven help whoever sold them to you, though,” Remus said lowly.
Regulus shook his head again and looked down at his notes. “I suppose that’s as good as I’m going to get from you two weirdos. How would you react if I dyed my hair?”
“Mourn your sweet baby curls. Dye is so harsh.”
“Cry,” Sirius said. Maybe attempt to drown himself in the bathtub. Shave his head in protest. Burn down Barty’s house.
Regulus laughed. “Okay, what would you do if I snuck out?”
“Impossible, you have a bodyguard for a reason.”
“Fire Kingsley because apparently he’s not doing his job.”
“Oh, good point!”
“No firing Kingsley,” Regulus said firmly.
“Ugh, fine. I suppose I’d have to rework the security system…and then find a way to blame Barty because obviously it was his fault you decided to sneak out.”
“Stop blaming Barty for everything.”
Sirius sniffed. “Only when he stops being the cause of my suffering.”
“Be honest, bumblebee, if you were to sneak out it would be for him,” Remus said calmly, then he smirked. “Or James.”
Gasping, Regulus smacked him with the papers. “I’m going to have to edit that out! And stop calling me bumblebee, it’s embarrassing.”
“Okay, cupcake.”
Regulus sniffed. “So embarrassing.”
“Come on, next question,” Sirius urged. This was actually quite fun.
“Question five: what would you do if I got pregnant?”
“Murder.”
“Appa!”
Sirius scowled. This was no longer fun. “What?”
“No, I agree. You’re sixteen. Too little for babies,” Remus said thoughtfully. “Who got you pregnant in this horrible alternate universe?”
“Barty,” Regulus said with relish.
Sirius whined. “I retract my initial statement, I’m killing him and then myself. Murder-suicide.”
“You’re talking about a sixteen-year-old.”
“I’m talking about a demonic hellbeast created by Satan to torment me for the sins of my past self. Any universe in which the two of you procreate is not one I want to live in.”
“You’d forsake my child based on who their other parent was?”
“If that other parent was Barty.”
“I would love my grandchild either way,” Remus said magnanimously. He even held a hand over his heart like he was defending himself in front of a jury.
“I’m still not calling you cool,” Regulus said flatly.
Remus pouted. “Aw, but I’m being so tolerant.”
“Question six: how would you react if I stole your car?”
“You have your own car,” Remus said with palpable confusion.
“Dad, seriously.”
“Which car?” Sirius asked. His collection was sacred.
Regulus’ smirk was plain in his tone. “For Dad, I stole his sedan. For you, I stole the bike.”
Sirius’ stomach lurched at the thought of Regulus cruising down the motorway on his precious ‘59 Triumph Bonneville, then he had a brief image of Regulus crashing and had to rub his sternum to chase away the nausea. “Next question.”
Regulus snorted. “Nice try. How would you punish me?”
“I wouldn’t.”
“Appa.”
Remus must have sensed his lingering panic as her intervened. “So long as you came home safely, we would be more upset that you felt the need to steal one of our cars rather than ask for a ride together.”
“You two are so boring.” Regulus flicked the paper. “Number seven: what would you do if I threw a party while the two of you were on holiday?”
“When have we ever gone on holiday without you?”
“Exactly, this question makes no sense. I don’t take overnight trips without my baby,” Sirius said sharply.
Regulus made a grumpy little huff. “Answer like this is actually plausible.”
“I genuinely can’t imagine such a thing.”
“Try, or I’ll ask Barty on a date.”
Remus snorted. “You wouldn’t, otherwise James might get the wrong idea.”
“You’re severely underestimating how petty I can be.”
Sirius thought Regulus’ pettiness was generally quite admirable but not when it came to this. “Okay, I suppose…I can imagine us going away for the evening…but even then we wouldn’t leave you alone. I highly doubt Mamgu or Kingsley would let you throw a party.”
“I don’t know, Kingsley might,” Remus said snidely, “since he’s so cool.”
“Oh, that’s true…”
Regulus clapped. “Great! You’ve set the scene, now what?”
“Well…did you make a mess? How many people did you invite? Do we know all of them? Did Kingsley vet them?”
“No major messes but there are a few spills and some broken vases. At least fifty people. You know half of them. Kingsley vetted everyone but a few stragglers turned up with other guests so at least four people are unaccounted for.”
“Oh, this is horrific.”
“Truly nightmarish.” Remus nodded. “Unless they broke that hideous vase on the second floor.”
“Nobody went upstairs,” Regulus said. “I restricted the guests to the ground floor.”
“Damn.”
“I bought that vase,” Sirius said sourly.
“While you had conjunctivitis.”
Sirius pointed at him. “Which you must have hand when you picked out that jumper.”
Remus clutched his front. “I like this jumper!”
“Attention back on me, now,” Regulus said tiredly. “How would you react?”
“Well, I think we actually would punish you. First by making you clean up…although…no, you might cut yourself…”
“Ceramic is so sharp,” Sirius agreed. “New plan: we would clean up while you kick everyone out.”
“That’s my punishment?” Regulus looked bemused.
“Yes?” Sirius quickly corrected his uncertain tone. “Yes.”
“And…no new books for a week!” Remus added hurriedly. “And, er, no chocolate.”
“For how long? Because he likes his sweets.”
“Three days.”
“Harsh.”
“Well, do you have any better ideas?”
“No, I think that would do nicely.”
Regulus whined behind them. “Bloody hell, Evan was right. You two are incapable of telling me off.”
“Well, you’re just such a good boy,” Sirius said warmly.
Remus nodded. “The best, really.”
Looking utterly adorable, Regulus wrinkled his nose and Sirius shot a smile at the camera. They were doing excellently. “Question eight: Imagine I have a boyfriend—”
Sirius howled and covered his ears. “Next question!”
Remus’ expression tightened. “No, let him finish. He’s sixteen now.”
“Moony!”
“We have to let him grow up sometime.” Remus patted Regulus’ hand. “Continue, bumble-baby.”
Regulus gagged. “Go back to bumblebee, at least that makes sense.”
“Go on, bumblebee.”
“My boyfriend and I end up skipping school and you get a call about it. When you track us down, we’re at the cinema watching a movie. What would you do?”
“If you ever skipped even one class, I would know you had been replaced by an alien,” Sirius said flatly.
“You would rather die than miss school.” Remus turned around to look him in the eye. “Are you forgetting the time you had pneumonia and tried to claw my eyes out when I gently informed you that you were too sick to go to school?”
Regulus sniffed. “I do not recall.”
“The scar on my cheek does.”
“School is important.”
“There’s your answer.” Sirius gestured to the camera in smug satisfaction. “See, this is why you never need discipline. You did most of our job for us. Always ate your vegetables, always did your homework, never skipped school or classes, always polite and respectful—”
“Most of the time, anyway. So long as the person he’s talking to isn’t an ‘incompetent halfwit’,” Remus said, snickering.
Sirius knew he shouldn’t laugh but it was hard not to. Remembering the time little six-year-old Regulus insulted his teacher for thinking he cheated on a homework assignment by having one of his parents fill it out for him was too humorous to resist chuckling. Regulus’ insult prompted a quick meeting with them, the teacher, and the head of the school to ‘sort the issue out’. Nothing really happened. They laughed about it, the headmaster looked thoroughly embarrassed, and the teacher learned not to underestimate Regulus’ intelligence.
If he was abruptly transferred a week later, that was nobody’s business but his own.
“Back to me,” Regulus said sweetly. Or not-so-sweetly. Vaguely threateningly. Adorably. “Is that your answer?”
“Honey, it just wouldn’t happen. You would only willingly miss school if you were too unwell to get out of bed,” Sirius said fondly.
Remus nodded. “Although, just to play your game, if you did decide to skip, we would be quite proud. I’d assume you managed to shake Kingsley in this scenario which is quite impressive.”
“Oh, certainly!” Sirius agreed brightly. “It would also be quite funny, because then I’d have every reason to despise your ingrate of a boyfriend for being a bad influence on you, and I wouldn't feel the slightest twinge of guilt for having him signed up to a military school in Arizona and shipped to the middle of nowhere.”
“Why Arizona?”
“Lots of desert.”
“I hate the desert.”
“Same, I want the little shit to suffer. Wipe that smug smirk off his pointy face…”
“Are you just picturing Barty?”
“A little, yeah.”
Regulus sighed loudly. “Question nine: what would you do if I got very drunk and called you late at night to come and pick me up?”
“Kill Barty.”
“He wouldn’t drink in the first place,” Remus said. He seemed to really struggle with the concept of pretending. Sirius did too but any opportunity to whack Barty was one he couldn’t miss.
Regulus said, “Barty wasn’t involved.”
“Kill whoever gave you alcohol,” Sirius said glibly.
“What if I stole a bottle from your wine collection?”
“Be proud you learned to pick locks.”
“And also that you were able to get drunk off a single bottle, my little lightweight,” Remus said amusedly, patting Regulus’ head.
Regulus scowled. “You’re both infuriating. Imagine I’m not the tiny baby you see me as. I’m fully grown. Maybe I’m in university. I’ve gotten so drunk I can hardly stand and now I’m calling you at three in the morning.”
“I’d just be worried.”
“Very worried,” Sirius said anxiously. All the terrible things that could happen to his baby flew through his mind. “I’ve made a decision, you can’t go off to university without protection. I’m going to have to extend Kingsley’s employment contract. Eighteen is still too young…”
“Great,” Regulus said quietly. “I’ve just signed myself up for another decade of babysitting.”
“That you have.”
“Thankfully, we have arrived at the final question. Now, I’m going to warn you, this one is quite difficult to comprehend and even worse to imagine it becoming a reality but I need you both to try, okay? This was hard for me to even write down.”
Concern flickered in his chest. “Go on, baby.”
Shakily, Regulus exhaled. “What would you do…if I…if…” He sniffled softly. “What would you do if I ended up receiving a ‘C’ on an exam?”
The question sank in fast, and Sirius fought to keep his expression solemn. What was a mundane occurrence for most kids was a grave concept for Regulus. Failure was unacceptable in his mind and even though a ‘C’ was technically a passing grade, it wasn’t enough for him. He needed to be the best. Sometimes, Sirius wondered if their constant insistence that Regulus was perfect was to blame for his perfectionism and fear of failure but it was too late to do anything about it now. All they could do now was reassure him he was brilliant no matter what.
Exchanging a look with Remus, they turned and gently surveyed a frowning Regulus. Clearing his throat, Sirius said, “Well, that would certainly be a surprise.”
Regulus flinched.
“Bumblebee, we would never be upset with you for receiving lower marks,” Remus said firmly. “So long as you tried your best, we would be happy with whatever number or letter was on your school report.”
“Even if I got a ‘C’?” Regulus stressed.
“Noticing you didn’t say a ‘D’ or even a fail.”
“Please, we need to keep this realistic.”
Sirius laughed. “In the effort of realism, I’m going to tell you straight that this would never happen. But if it did,” he hurried to say as Regulus went to interrupt, “we would be incredibly proud of you regardless, because the exam must have been written in Romanian for you to get anything less than top marks.”
“Exactly what he said,” Remus agreed, nodding. “You’re utterly brilliant, Regulus. We know if you did receive a ‘C’ then there must have been extenuating circumstances.”
Regulus sniffled. “Okay, I’m going to stop recording now.”
“Are you really going to post this?” Sirius worried as he walked over to the camera. “I just don’t think it’s safe to put your face online, baby. You’re so cute, I don’t want anyone to try and steal you.”
“I have Kingsley.”
“Not good enough. I’m going to have him vet every viewer of this video.”
“You do realise this isn’t going to go viral, right? Neither of you are that cool.”
“I really think a case could be argued—” Remus tried.
“Dad, no.”
Sirius snorted. “Agaya, I think you’re forgetting how cute you are. This video is going to go so viral. Especially because I’m in it. I mean, look at me.” He gestured to his face. “I’m too handsome not to go viral.”
Regulus only shook his head and turned off the camera.
Barely a day later, the video was up and raking in the views. Sirius obsessively refreshed Regulus’ social media page, monitoring the number of likes, comments, and saves. The saves worried him the most. Why were people saving videos of his sweet baby?
At least the comments were humorous. Some people were convinced the whole thing was a skit or scripted, others dug a little deeper and managed to piece together who Sirius was. He had no idea how, but the dozen news articles that surfaced became the focus of his lawyers. He didn’t want any more attention, and he definitely didn’t want the vultures combing through his life. For now, everything was mostly speculation, but if anyone got close to finding them…
“Oh, look!” Remus flashed his phone screen just as Sirius was dishing up the takeaway he ordered. “This person says we’re ’the coolest parents in the world’.”
Regulus snatched the phone and scowled. “That person also commented that Appa is ‘so sexy’ at least three separate times.”
“Sexy?” Sirius grinned as Remus frowned at the phone. “Maybe social media isn’t so bad after all. What else are they saying about us?” He hadn’t paid much mind to the comments about him and Remus. He was more interested in destroying the lives of those who said vile things about his baby.
“As if you don’t know. Kingsley couldn’t take me to my ballet lesson because you have him working overtime.”
“He outsourced some work, he’s mostly just monitoring the more concerning comments.”
Regulus tilted his head in confusion. They hadn’t let him see the worst of them. Any comment that popped up about Regulus was immediately flagged and removed by someone on Kingsley’s team before the notification could even ping on Regulus’ phone.
“More people calling you sexy…” Remus scrolled with a slight frown. “Someone else called me a ‘total DILF’.”
“Ugh…” Regulus gagged. “Please don’t tell me it was Barty.”
“No, this is a young woman with some very interesting tattoos…her bio says…oh, I’m not reading that out loud. Very inappropriate, and a little sad.”
Sirius glanced over, saw the words ‘daddy issues’, and immediately found himself nodding. Remus did tend to attract that crowd. He was just so handsome and capable, it was hard not to fall for him.
He would know.
“I’ve already seen people are requesting we do other trends,” Regulus said, taking a bite of his garlic bread. “There’s also people wanting to see more of just the two of you, and everyone is desperate to meet Barty.”
“Pain in the arse,” Sirius mumbled uncharitably. There were also a large number of people begging to know who James was. Somehow, Regulus forgot to edit the mention of James out, now everyone wanted to know the story. Gossipmongers.
“We could do some more videos,” Remus said after swallowing a mouthful of his pizza. “I saw someone say we should do the ‘most likely to’ trend. What is that?”
“Oh, I ask questions and you two have to say whether it applies to you or the other person,” Regulus said, a touch of eagerness in his tone. “I already prepared a list of questions. We could record it after dessert.”
“Of course you did,” Sirius said fondly. “Dig in, then. We have ice cream and brownies for dessert.”
Neither of his boys needed to be told twice.