a one man advice column

[Tweet] @EvanDykstraOfficial: If hypothetically someone needed to get gum out of their toddler’s hair before their wife gets home, how would one do this? Asking for a friend
[Tweet] @roz81: use olive oil. rub into gum. ta da gum gone
[Tweet] @hazyhayes: Get a lot of gum stuck in your hairdo, Roz?
[Tweet] @roz81: no but holmberg does not know how to spit gum out before napping on plane
-----
or, a childless Ilya Rozanov is somehow the go to guy for everyone's parenting advice needs

Work Text:

Selena Chouinard: Ari’s having her first big girl slumber party tonight…
Lisa Hayes: omg; how is she already old enough for that??
Selena Chouinard: I told her to stop growing up but she didn’t listen smh
Isa Boyle: they never do 😔
Selena Chouinard: Okay so be honest; am I overdoing this
Ilya: yes
Selena Chouinard: Thx Ilya, feel free to not hold back
Cassie Bood: Ignore him; That looks so cute!!!
Lisa Hayes: Yeah the girls are gonna love it💗; honestly where's my invite?
Caitlin Dykstra: no like lowkey jealous; like damn why can’t the tents look like this when Evan drags us camping
Cassie Bood: He makes you go camping????; That’s gotta be grounds for an annulment
Isa Boyle: Like in the woods? Outside?
Caitlin Dykstra: yes😭
Isa Boyle: ... on purpose?
Selena Chouinard: He knows we invented hotels for a reason right?
Caitlin Dykstra: I’m pretty sure he’s convinced it makes him like """rugged""" or something; (he sleeps on an air mattress under a cashmere blanket in a tent the size of our garage and gets scared if there’s a noise outside)
Ilya: I will give you $2,000 to tell Dykstra that there is a bear outside next time; no; make it $10,000
Caitlin Dykstra: sold; I would’ve done it for free just for the joy of hearing him squeal
Isa Boyle: That's the spirit!
Selena Chouinard: He’s a true mountain man; But fr; Am I being too extra
Ilya: yes
Selena Chouinard: Remind me why we started allowing HABs to be WAGs
Harris📸: Hey don’t lump us all in with him!
Ilya: you ask, I tell; is too much; sleepover does not need all of this; this is our children’s sleepover last weekend; no pretty lights or tents; just terrible messy children
Selena Chouinard: 😂😂😂; PLEASE
Lisa Hayes: Whose children did you steal to take that picture??
Isa Boyle: I think Pike's are too young to be them
Cassie Bood: I'm like 85% sure that you know kidnapping is wrong; ... right?
Harris📸: Wait; Are those the rookies????
Ilya: yes; the terrible messy children; sleepovers are the reason Shane let’s us have doritos in house though; So some good from it
Caitlin Dykstra: LMAOOO
Selena Chouinard: Okay; But; Consider; This is my perfect little girl’s first slumber party; Not a bunch of barely-knows-how-deodorant-works grown man children
Ilya: okay this is good point; Ari deserves nicer than terrible boys
Caitlin Dykstra: aww they’re not so bad though
Ilya: they have eaten everything we own; and used every dish and fork ever made; I will never get cheeto stains out of rug; learn from me; do not give anything orange to little girls at sleepover
Selena Chouinard: 🫡
Harris📸: Okay Troy is officially furious that he wasn't invited to slumber party night at the Hollanov residence; we demand a redo
Ilya: 🙄; I have just finally finished cleaning up wrappers; but fineeeee; I will restock on the cheetos and doritos

Ev Dykstra
@EvanDykstraOfficial

If hypothetically someone needed to get gum out of their toddler’s hair before their wife gets home, how would one do this? Asking for a friend

4:21 PM · Jan 29, 2021

72k Retweets 31k Quote Tweets 112.8k Likes

Caitlin Dykstra @caitdykstra · Jan 29
Replying to @EvanDykstraOfficial

I’m gonna kill you

cece rey 💗 @reyreycece · Jan 29
Replying to @EvanDykstraOfficial

It’s time to break out the scissors big guy

Mrs Hunter @scotthunterkissme · Jan 29
Replying to @EvanDykstraOfficial

And we’re giving toddlers gum becauseeeee ??

Ev Dykstra @EvanDykstraOfficial · Jan 29
Replying to @scotthunterkissme

She likes gum! And it’s cute when she fails at blowing a bubble

Gemma G @censforeverrrr · Jan 29
Replying to @EvanDykstraOfficial

I guess it’s a good day for a cute little toddler pixie cut…

ilya @roz81 · Jan 29
Replying to @EvanDykstraOfficial

use olive oil. rub into gum. ta da gum gone

Ev Dykstra @EvanDykstraOfficial · Jan 29
Replying to @roz81

Holy shit that worked. Me and Susie’s no longer gummed up hair owe you a major one.

Wyatt Hayes @hazyhayes · Jan 29
Replying to @roz81

😂Get a lot of gum stuck in your hairdo, Roz?

ilya @roz81 · Jan 29
Replying to @hazyhayes

no but holmberg does not know how to spit gum out before napping on plane

bergy! @holmiebergy · Jan 29
Replying to @roz81

It happened one time! Let it go!

ilya @roz81 · Jan 29
Replying to @holmiebergy

you are liar it happened three times

Hayden: Okay; I’m going to ask something; And I need Ilya to not be fucking smug about it
Shane 😩💦💗: I can make no promises.
Ilya: I can make promise; I will be smug
Hayden: Great; Thanks
Shane 😩💦💗: Ignore him.; What’s up?
Hayden: Okay...; I promise I’m a good dad
Shane 😩💦💗: … Yeah we know?; I don’t think even Ilya doubts that.
Ilya: 😐😐
Hayden: I care about my children; And I care about the things they care about
Shane 😩💦💗: There’s a lot of prefacing going on here, Hayd.; Making me nervous.
Ilya: if you forgot one of my godbabies at the park again I will come to montreal to kill you and take them back to ottawa for better life
Hayden: That was one time!; Learn to let something go
Ilya: never
Hayden: I didn’t forget any of the kids; But; For the fucking life of me; I cannot remember which one is Winky
Shane 😩💦💗: ...; Hayd; I’m going to break this to you as gently as I can:; You do not have a child named Winky.; I know you have a lot of kids, but I think this is maybe a thing you should know already.
Hayden: 🙄; Thank you for the faith, Shane.; Winky is a stuffed animal; The twins named all of their toys because apparently “everything needs a name, Daddy”
Shane 😩💦💗: Oh, good.; So what’s the problem
Hayden: The problem is that Jackie took the kids to her parents for the week; I’m supposed to drive up to meet them there today; And Jackie just called and said Ruby’s been asking for Winky, so she wants me to bring it up with me; But I have no clue which one Winky is
Shane 😩💦💗: Could you not just ask Jackie? Maybe she knows? Or she could have Ruby tell you?
Hayden: Are you insane; I cannot admit to Jackie that I don’t remember which toy is Winky; She would lord it over me forever; Every time “who’s the more fun/better/cooler parent” comes up, she would be slamming me with that one
Shane 😩💦💗: How often does that debate come up in your home?
Hayden: Daily
Ilya: that is stupid; obviously Jackie is better at all of those things
Hayden: Yes obviously but she doesn’t need to rub it in!
Shane 😩💦💗: Okay, but so why are you texting us?; Do you think we would somehow have more insight into which doll Winky is than you do?
Hayden: I didn’t think *you* would…
Shane 😩💦💗: Ahh; Ilya?
Ilya: yes?
Shane 😩💦💗: Do you know who Winky is?
Ilya: 😇; maybe
Shane 😩💦💗: Would you like to share with the class then?
Ilya: share what?; with who?
Shane 😩💦💗: Ilya.
Hayden: I should’ve known he’d be a dick about it
Ilya: You are daddy that forgets easy simply information like dolly’s name and I am somehow dick here?
Hayden: It’s not easy simple information!; The girls have no less than a hundred stuffed animals between them!; Thanks in no small part to Uncle Ilya sending them new ones bi-weekly
Ilya: well somebody must care for the children; clearly daddy hayden does not pay attention during tea party introductions
Hayden: The introductions last for forty minutes!; Alright; What do I gotta give you; A hundred bucks?; A free hit?; You want a kidney?
Ilya: no; no I will tell you out of goodness of my heart
Hayden: Why do I feel like there’s a catch
Ilya: no catch; only thing I need is knowledge that I love my Ruby enough to remember her favorite toy’s name
Hayden: 😒; You have ten seconds to tell me before I just pack all of her toys to bring with me
Ilya: you have no patience; is probably why you do not listen when Ruby tells you that Winky is her little pink rabbit
Hayden: THE PINK RABBIT!; Of course!!!!; I could kiss you right now man
Shane 😩💦💗: Hey now careful
Ilya: that would be very terrible reward; no my reward will be you not whining when twin’s birthday gifts arrive
Hayden: ....; Why would I be whining; What are you getting them
Ilya: exactly; you will not whine; because like we all now know, my Ruby likes rabbits
Hayden: …….????!!!!; Why is her liking rabbits relevant right now; ????; Ilya?; Hello?; Why is it relevant???!!!!

How do I clean out a ps3 with food in it? (parenting)

submitted 4 hours ago by 1sttimemama

My brand new ps3 currently has a poptart crammed into it courtesy of my toddler… rather not need to buy a new one so all advice welcomed

31 comments

ilyarozanovofficial42 points 3 hours ago

put whole thing in freezer. this makes it less messy to clean because inside freezes. then use long thin pliers to pick pieces out. I did this clean up last week😒

1sttimemama

9 points 3 hours ago

Okay I feel better knowing I’m not the only one dealing with this kind of mess lmao were your kids also having tantrum over losing a game?

ilyarozanovofficial 25 points 2 hours ago

yes 🙄 but they were also drunk. not a very good combination

1sttimemama

11 points 2 hours ago

….. How old are your toddlers?

ilyarozanovofficial 37 points 2 hours ago

their terrible 20s. why?

centaurstan4life 29 points 2 hours ago

Wait is that actually like THE Ilya Rozanov or am I losing my fucking mind

Cassie Bood: How long is too long for a baby to go without sleep; I swear to god Milo hasn’t so much as closed his eyes in a week; Which mean I too haven’t closed my eyes in a week
Lisa Hayes: Zane had better also not have closed his eyes in a week or I’m about to Murder
Cassie Bood: No he hasn’t slept either; starting to worry about his lack of sleep honestly; this morning he was drinking out of an empty cup that he thought had juice in it
Ilya: is true; he is falling asleep while skating; think he got penalty last game on purpose just to take five minute nap
Lisa Hayes: Aw okay now I feel bad for preemptively plotting his demise; He can live
Caitlyn Dykstra: Aww honey; Do you need me to babysit for the night?; Give you two a break?
Cassie Bood: No that’s okay; I’ve never been a part from Milo for a night; I think I would be too worried to even sleep; Thank you though
Selena Chouinard: Doordashing you some Tims rn give it fifteen minutes
Cassie Bood: I’m gonna kiss you on the mouth next time I see you; With tongue
Selena Chouinard: Promises promises
Isa Boyle: Ugh I remember when the twins sleep regressed like that; It’s the worst time
Cassie Bood: Any tips?
Isa Boyle: Pray; Coffee; Cry; Repeat
Caitlyn Dykstra: Briefly consider adoption; But then decide they’re too cute for that; So cry again
Ilya: have you tried car ride?
Cassie Bood: ??; Like driving myself off a cliff…?; Because that was gonna be Plan B but I can move it up
Ilya: like drive around street with baby in backseat; makes them sleepy
Caitlyn Dykstra: He’s right; Susie knocks right out; I think it’s like the moving of the car plus the warm air from the vents; idk what the science is but it’s a miracle
Ilya: yes; makes whiny baby finally sleep every time; probably takes fifteen minutes to fall asleep; then drive for little longer to make sure they stay asleep
Harris📸: How many babies are you driving around to put to sleep Ilya???
Selena Chouinard: Yeah who taught you every mother’s secret trick
Ilya: I learn hard way
Harris📸: I repeat: ???
Ilya: try getting hyper children to sleep after eating thirty smores; you will be discovering every trick in book
Cassie Bood: .........; Are you talking about the barbecue at our place last month; Is THAT why you offered to drive Young and Haas home😭
Ilya: they were asleep like babies immediately 😎
Cassie Bood: Milo has been napping for three hours now; Ilya don’t be alarmed if Zane brings you fifty gift baskets as thanks next practice
Ilya: tell him I like the ones with the chocolate on the fruit

Kip: SOS; !!!!!!!!; Emergency!!!!!!
Kyle: Are you okay?
Shane 😩💦💗: What's wrong?
Ilya: did Hunter finally die from old age
Shane 😩💦💗: Ilya; Not the moment.
Harris📸: Ignore him; What's wrong Kip?
Harris📸: omg you can’t just say SOS and then disappear Kip!; Did something actually happen to Scott???????
Kip: Sorry; No Scott's fine; But we’ve ... multiplied
Harris📸: I’m not even gonna pretend to understand what that could mean
Kip: Okay so; My sister’s father in law has been sick; So my sister and brother in law went to go take care of him for a couple weeks; And Scott and I agreed to watch their my niece and nephew while they’re gone
Shane 😩💦💗: Okay...?
Kyle: So what’s the SOS for?
Kip: Problem: it turns out neither of us actually know a single thing about taking care of children
Harris📸: Like nothing? Like nothing nothing?
Kip: Exactly zero baby knowledge between us; Yesterday before my sister dropped them off, Scott asked me if we should go buy extra baby bottles for my nephew.; He’s six.
Harris📸: Oh okay wow; Yeah that’s like negative nothing knowledge
Fabian: I’ve held a baby maybe once and even I know more than that Scott damn
Ilya: how old are children
Kip: Six and nine
Ilya: ahh that is not too hard then; what are you doing with them today?
Kip: um; We were thinking about going to the park
Ilya: okay this is good
Kip: And then we’d have dinner and then just send them to bed; Kids go to bed early right?
Shane 😩💦💗: I mean yeah by like eight… not by 6:30.
Kip: Oh
Ilya: what are you cooking children for dinner?
Kip: I think we were gonna do like tilapia and wild rice tonight
Kyle: ....
Fabian: ......
Kip: What?
Harris📸: ....
Kip: What??????
Ilya: fine I will tell him you cowards; children do not want icky fish unless it comes as fingers with french fries, Kip 🙄; I know they only ate liver and onions and tapioca pudding when Hunter was child; but you are young. you should know better than this
Kyle: Hey tapioca pudding's not so bad
Ilya: you are married to man that is somehow even older than Hunter; your taste is very bad
Kyle: Dick; But he's still right Kip; 86 the fish
Kip: damn....
Shane 😩💦💗: I would’ve liked tilapia as a kid.; It sounds like a good dinner.
Kip: See? Thank you Shane
Ilya: Shane also brought sugar free dairy free joy free cookies to last team potluck; so he does not know what real humans like
Shane 😩💦💗: People liked the cookies!
Ilya: I saw Haasy shed tear when you tricked him into trying one
Shane 😩💦💗: Liar; Harris was there, he enjoyed them.; Right Harris?
Harris📸: 🙂
Shane 😩💦💗: Harris?
Harris📸: 🙂
Ilya: case rested; give children chicken nuggets and ice cream and they will be happy
Kip: I have neither of those things
Ilya: you have grocery store?; you have husband who has two legs and two old arms and cane to walk with?
Kip: 🙄; If you weren’t being helpful right now I would boot you from the chat
Ilya: ahh but of course I am the most helpful; like always; go yell into Hunter’s hearing aids to tell him to go shop

Bood: okay I’m throwing this question out here in the hopes that one of the other dads has any advice:; How the hell do you trick your kids into eating vegetables; like; Milo can’t even say the word “gross” yet but he’s somehow expressing that that’s how he feels towards anything that isn’t a berry or a chip
Chouinard: idk man; I’ve failed on three different kids
Dykstra: I think I wind up wearing Susie’s mashed peas on my face more than she winds up eating them
Boyle: Can’t help you; The twins are nearly ten and I don’t think they’ve ever actually so much as tasted lettuce
Ilya: failures
Bood: Thanks man; Don’t feel the need to spare our feelings here
Ilya: I won’t don’t worry
Wyatt: I’m sure you’re doing your best Bood
Bood: I’m pretty sure my kid’s on the verge of scurvy; That’s the one pirates get from no vegetables right?
Ilya: you should probably get him to eat vegetable then; I do not want my godson getting pirate disease
Bood: Do you just assume every child is your godchild?
Ilya: yes because they are; now get my godbaby some spinach
Troy: Probably not helping, Ilya
Ilya: what?; am I wrong?; children need to eat green things; my husband (Shane Hollander) says this is important
Troy: Did you really feel the need to clarify that your husband is Shane Hollander
Ilya: I do not know your knowledge
Troy: We were all at the wedding
Ilya: I was too busy to notice guest list
Wyatt: He’s in the group chat
Shane 😩💦💗: Hi!
Ilya: Hello moy lyubov 🥰
Bood: Focus people!; Child withering away as we speak!
Wyatt: I saw Milo last week, he’s not withering away
Bood: Did you just fat shame my baby
Wyatt: He’s a lil potato
Bood: 🖕; But yeah he is a potato; A cute potato; Would love for him to be a potato getting the necessary vitamins
Ilya: blend into sauce
Bood: Huh?
Ilya: you make baby pasta; with sauce; you blend vegetables into sauce; works every time
Dykstra: That’s actually not a bad tip
Troy: Yeah if you do it right he probably won’t even taste it; And what baby doesn’t love spaghetti?
Wyatt: Rozzy are you frequently having to trick babies into eating something healthy or what?
Ilya: no; I just know these things
Wyatt: Mhmm okay
Shane 😩💦💗: The sauce move is how I trick Ilya into eating his vegetables.; He was furious when he learned that my penne sauce was like 50% zucchini.
Wyatt: PLEASE😭
Troy: Roz is getting hoodwinked in his own home
Bood: Here I thought you were empathizing with me; Turns out you’re just on the same level as Milo
Ilya: yes yes I am baby; ha ha ha🙄; do not come cry to me when you need to know how to get baby to sleep through whole night
Bood: ...; Wait no Roz come back

Archive of Our Own^beta

Actions

Work Header