Work Text:
—1—
The chirp came about halfway through the game with Buffalo. It was not even a particularly clever attempt at getting under Ilya Rozanov’s skin. It would take a lot more than that to phase him.
Durand, the player Ilya was called to take the face off against, spit out a clunky “That’s not what your girlfriend said last night” as the two men prepared to fight for the puck. Ilya almost laughed at the pathetic chirp. He settled for a quiet hum.
Right before the puck was dropped by the ref he shot back at Durand. “Is that why she was busy last night? Oh well, at least your mother was available to keep me company.”
Ilya won the face off.
Obviously Ilya knew that Durand didn’t know jackshit, much less that he was queer and in a relationship with Shane Hollander. But he decided to have some fun with it and text Shane as if he had been talking about him.
Lily: Are you cheating on me with Durand? 
Jane: What the fuck??
Jane: NO!!!
Jane: Obviously not, who even is that??
Lily: From Buffalo team
Lily: He said he spent night with my girlfriend last night 
Lily: How could loving girlfriend do this to me?
Jane: I don’t even know where to start with this
Lily: Because you don’t love me anymore
Lily: You love Durand now
Jane: I’d rather set myself on fire than spend one minute with Durand off ice
Lily: Don’t lie to me!
Lily: I know the truth!
Jane: What will it take to end this conversation now?
Lily: …pic? 
Jane:....
Jane: One moment
Jane: Did you get it?
Lily: No 
Jane: Whoops
Jane: Must have accidentally sent it to Durand 
Lily: I knew it!!!
Jane: 
—2—
It becomes a running joke between Ilya and Shane whenever another player tries to chirp Ilya about his girlfriend. Rumor had gotten around that he had a steady relationship now, after all it was obvious that he no longer engaged in his former party boy ways. They had fun with it, snarking on the other, asshole players who went with that cheap route of trying to get under his skin.
Such as Jules from the Vegas team who went for both the girlfriend route and the aggressive violence route. “You’ll be crawling back to Ottawa crying Rozanov,” he threatened.
“Is that so?” Ilya asked, genuinely curious where this was going.
“After I knock all your fucking teeth out and your girlfriend dumps you,” was the not exactly witty answer.
“That will be a shame, won’t it,” is all Ilya said before deftly stealing the puck and skating away with it.
Lily: Would you still love me with all my teeth knocked out?
Jane: Huh?
Jane: Is this like when you sent me that worm question?
Lily: No
Lily: I was told my teeth would be knocked out and girlfriend would dump me 
Jane: Let me guess
Jane: Jules?
Lily: My girlfriend is so smart 
Lily: Too bad she will dump me when I have no teeth
Jane: I saw the game I know he didn’t knock your teeth out
Lily: So I remain not dumped for a bit longer!
Jane: Like half your teeth are already fake anyway!
Lily: I don’t like your tone
Lily: Maybe I dump girlfriend instead 
Lily: For being mean
Jane: You know I love you
Jane: Fake teeth and all
Lily: 
—3—
Wendell from Pittsburgh continued the new tradition of chirping Ilya about his girlfriend. It was overtime of a tiring game, and everyone on the ice was worn out, Ilya being no exception. Wendell wore a weird smile on his face that Ilya couldn’t help but take some offense to.
“Why are you smiling like serial killer?” he snarled, temper flaring at finding the other player in his space again. He just wanted this game to be over, preferably with a win for Ottawa, so he could go home and maybe still have time to fall asleep on the phone with Shane.
“Awww, why so angry Rozanov? Can’t a guy be in a good mood? After all, I’ll be leaving here satisfied unlike your girlfriend,” Wendell smirked. Ilya spent the rest of overtime in the penalty box and hated that Pittsburgh won.
Lily: Facetime?
Lily: Are you there?
Lily: Love I need you
Lily: Need to see you
Jane: Yeah, hang on, calling now
Jane: Wow
Jane: That was…
Jane: Wow
Lily:
Lily: I know
Lily: I am the best
Jane:
—4—
Ilya hated playing Toronto. Not because of any particular difficulty in beating them on the ice compared to other teams. But the players were always terrible. Such as Henderson, who muttered under his breath to Ilya near the end of the game, trying to escape the notice of any refs or other players on the Centaurs.
“Your poor girlfriend being stuck with a cocksucker like you.”
Ilya just gave a feral grin in response and dropped his gloves. Neither man played on the ice again that game.
Lily: You like it when I go down on you, yes?
Jane: Of course you know that
Jane: But if you want to sext you’re gonna have to wait a bit I’m at the grocery store right now
Lily: Not trying to sext
Lily: Yet
Lily: Will return to that later when you are home
Jane: ?
Lily: Henderson implied that my girlfriend would be upset that I am a “cocksucker”
Jane: Jesus Christ
Lily: Don’t worry
Lily: His girlfriend will probably be upset that his nose now has a new permanent shape
Jane: I love you
Jane: I’ll be home in 20 minutes 
Lily: 
Lily: Fuck yeah
Lily: My life is awesome
—5—
“Don’t worry Rozanov, I’ll show your girlfriend a good time,” was how Peters greeted Ilya at their first face off for the Ottawa and Tampa Bay game.
Ilya sighed and swore under his breath in Russian. “This is really getting old,” he said to Peters, who was wearing a surprised look on his face at Ilya’s reaction. “Like, I get it, everyone in league wants to fuck my girlfriend, she is very beautiful. She could also kick your ass. But everyone is using this now! There’s no creativity in it anymore! Nothing new, just boring and not in a good way,” he shook his head.
Peters opened his mouth as if to respond, but nothing came out for a moment. He regained himself enough to offer, “Sorry? I’ll try to come up with something better next time?”
“See that you do,” Ilya responded primly. The puck dropped and Ilya won the face off.
Lily: Stay away from Peters
Lily: He wants to show you a good time
Jane: Is that a threat?
Jane: I wouldn’t wish spending a night with Peters on anyone
Lily: My beautiful smart ass kicking girlfriend
Lily: A more creative chirper than half the NHL
—+1—
It was the first time since their coming out and marriage and Shane moving to play for Ottawa that they were playing against Tampa Bay. Shane had been called to take the face off against Peters near the end of the game. The Centaurs were up by one, but Shane really wanted to make that a more comfortable lead for the team. He was eager to prove not only that he was still great, but that he was even better than before. For his team, his hometown, and his husband.
He’d had some time to think through his strategies. And sharing a house with the best chirper in the league came in handy. So he approached the face off, knowing Peters wouldn’t be expecting much out of golden boy Shane Hollander.
“Peters, I heard you were interested, and I’m flattered! But, I gotta say, you’re really not my type,” Shane smirked up at Peters from where he was positioned, waiting for the puck to drop.
Peters just gaped at him, turning red, then white, then back to red, clearly wracking his brain trying to figure out where this was coming from, and then landing on what he had said to Ilya on this same ice about showing his girlfriend a good time. “Wait.. fuck… you… Roza… what…” the other man sputtered, clearly flabbergasted by this turn of events. Shane met his eyes and winked.
Shane won the face off.