Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

DISCLAIMER: I OWN NOTHING BUT MY PLOT.

And in the middle of my chaos... there was you | Paullina Simons

Lilly strode down the hallway towards her partner's apartment, lugging a six pack of beer and a chill from the late winter air. She found his place easily, not needing to double check the number or floor level. She simply knew the way to him, and she could walk it blindfolded.

She knocked on his door, inhaling through her nose. The door opened, Scotty Valens stood before her, his dress shirt unbuttoned to reveal a white t-shirt, and he didn't appear as relaxed as his attire suggested. His short cropped raven locks were mussed, likely from dragging his fingers through them his familiar and comforting coffee eyes held a deep exhaustion, and his lips shaped a line. She could almost see the shadowed creases from the frown that'd previously lived there. She knew the partial cause of those marks, and she wondered if he'd tell her the information she lacked. She supposed time would tell, but per their current existence, Scotty stood inside his apartment, unsurprised to see her and perhaps, too, relieved by her presence.

Instead of exchanging a pleasant greeting like typical friends or visiting people did, Lilly instead went with:

"I went to Jones. The bartender said you took Nick home."

"Yeah, he was plastered by the time I got there." His voice was layered with fatigued concern. "Something's up."

"Lot of that going around," Lilly agreed.

"Mm."

"Still thirsty?" She presented him with the six pack of beer, and a faint smirk played on his lips, and he showed her in.

"Don't get comfortable." He grabbed his coat and scarf. "Gotta better spot for us than my couch or a smoky bar."

"Okay, but if I loose a toe to frostbite, I'm kicking your ass, Valens."

"How bad could it hurt with nine toes or less?" He grinned, and she attempted a glare, but her grin was wider. "What, you want me to grab you a blanket?"

"Shut up and put your coat on." She laughed with him, and he showed her to the roof of his building. He wasted no time cracking into the six pack, Lilly hadn't missed the empty whiskey glass in his apartment earlier, so she allowed him to have the majority of the beer. It was more his brand, and she wasn't here for the drink.

"I heard about your dance with Gargantuan." It changed the subject, but she'd wanted to ask him about it.

"Had him right where I wanted him," Scotty jested around the mouth of his beer bottle.

"Yeah?" She shifted her gaze from the view of the city to her partner. "You ring him up for assault?"

"Guy belongs in the puzzle house, not county," Scotty replied with a short glance at her. "Punks were harassin' him, tagged "freak" on his building."

"Cruel world," numbly fell from Lilly's lips.

"I filed three separate police reports," Scotty continued. "He was just protectin' himself."

She leaned forward, gripping the beer bottle, arms over her thighs, and she expressed a heavy sigh, "I'm sorry I wasn't there."

Scotty kept his gaze forward. "Almost… lit him up, Lil. Wanted to."

She didn't like how hollow his voice had become, heavier than she'd heard it in a long while, and she steadied herself. "Thanks for… having my back. With Moe. The alibi."

Scotty squinted at her with a sloppy smile curving on his lips, and he raised his bottle a bit. "Partners, right?"

A weak smile ghosted her lips. "Yeah." She pushed up onto her feet and walked over to the concrete roof railing, leaning over it and viewing the city lights. "I still can't believe it. What Hank did."

He rested the beer on his knee. "Just beat you to it."

Not the answer she remotely wanted. "So what does that make me?" She looked over at him.

Scotty stammered in thought, leaning forward and landing on, "Human."

"Protect and serve, right?" She nudged the bottle with her gloved finger, the cold seeping through to her bones, and she repressed a scoff.

"The innocent, Lil," Scotty tacked onto her statement, loosely gripping the beer bottle. "Need more Hanks out there. The guy deserves a medal."

Lilly blinked and surveyed her partner. "You believe that?"

He raised up and out of the lawn chair with a dry chuckle on his lips. "Yeah. Yeah, I believe that." He joined her at the railing, aping the way she stood, and he imparted, "Just be glad someone else did it… that he's gone."

In the lights of the city against the darkness of night, Lilly's eyes appeared more jade than sapphire, the shade hazed by a slight buzz and immense concern. "The fortune-teller said something about your mom," she carefully broached the subject, tilting her head, and Scotty played the part well, but she could feel the uneasy squirm of dread under his skin, as if it were her own. "She okay?"

"Time comes, Lil," the heavy tone that broke her heart reared through his throat, magnified, his eyes glossy, "I might need you to have my back, too."

Lilly squared her shoulders and unhesitatingly said, "Partners, right?"

His lips parted in a response he couldn't finish, and he averted his eyes, sniffling. She shuffled her feet beside him, he brushed a rogue tear away, polishing off the beer in his hand, and he hoped Lilly hadn't noticed the tear swipe. He knew he was in the clear when she shuddered, and he looked her over, knowing she was repressing another shiver with his scrutiny on her. He could've laughed, but his heart swelled instead. She was freezing her ass off and pretending she wasn't an icicle to accommodate his wanting to be outside in the fresh air. She was much more polite about it than Jeffries, but an open window didn't provide quite as much air as being on a roof in late February.

He scooted closer to her. "You alright?"

"I'm thinkin' about that blanket," she mused, feeling his body heat bit by bit the closer he moved, and he laughed beside her. "Could at least start a trashcan fire."

"And risk burnin' the whole place down?" He arched a brow at her, and she drank what little drink remained in her beer bottle. "It's not that cold."

"Just remember what I said about my toes." She set the bottle on the ground by their feet and hugged herself with her arms. "I have your back, Scotty, but I like my toes."

"Fine, twist my arm why don't cha?" He tripped backwards away from the railing, snagging her discarded bottle and placing them along with the other empties in the cardboard pack. Lilly tried to dissuade him on packing it up and heading in, but he wouldn't have it. "Nah, can't have you losin' a toe and usin' it as an excuse to dump all the suspect chases on me."

"Ah, you know me so well," she dryly countered, trailing behind him as they returned to his apartment, and the heat of the building and the heat of his apartment were incredible. She removed her gloves and resisted the temptation to glue herself to the nearest vent, poorly curbing the urge by rubbing her palms together.

Scotty ditched his coat, scarf and gloves, disposing of the beer trash, and he located Lilly on his couch. He saw the purplish tint to her fingertips and sat on his coffee table, taking her hands in his without really thinking about it, and a soft gasp fled her lips.

He cupped his hands over hers, the residual heat from washing his hands clung to his skin, but the ice of Lilly's hands hurriedly sucked it away. He thought he'd seen her shivering a few times, but she stuck it out. She had a habit of doing that, and as much as he wanted the fresh air, he'd rather she be warm and comfortable. It'd been a hell of a time for everyone, so he wouldn't give her total hell for it. He just wished she'd tell him. Why was it so difficult for her to come out and admit she was freezing?

He gently rubbed his hands along hers, discovering her skin was incredibly soft, and beneath that softness was a growing warmth. He smiled to himself and lifted his eyes to her face, the face he'd seen nearly every day since he was assigned to homicide, and he didn't realize how close they were until that exact minute.

Her eyes had softened to the aquamarine he knew and loved, though he discerned flecks of green throughout her irises, and he'd never seen that before. Her eyes were stunning, and in this light and his proximity, they almost sparkled. Her pale skin accentuated not only her eyes but her lips as well. He'd always assumed she wore lipstick or a colored lip balm, and that's why they were perpetually scarlet, but she had nothing on her lips now yet they were perfectly rosebud-tinted and unusually—dangerously—tempting.

He knew in the back of his heart that Lilly meant more to him than 'partners, right?', but feelings and thoughts like those were fairytale stories, and they had no happy ending here. He knew her well, and she'd never entertain anything like that with him. Their friendship meant too much to her, and it meant the same to him. He'd resigned himself to love her as a friend and partner, but God, being so near to her weakened his stance. He hadn't drank that much tonight, but it apparently was serving enough to lower his resolve on standing by her side as her best friend and partner on the job. He knew and felt that she'd never allow him anything more, and truth be told with his hand on a Bible, he'd rather swallow the acidic agony and be with her every day than bare his whole heart and lose her.

His hands stilled on hers, and he merely held them now, gazing at her. Lilly Rush. His partner, his best friend, a woman who owned more of his heart than he could ever verbalize. He couldn't—and didn't want to—picture his life without her, and he never wanted to take steps or make choices that chased her off. In keeping with that, he knew he should move back and cut a joke to try and alleviate any awkwardness, blame it on the drink or late hour, but moving mountains was a simpler task.

The last few months of watching her and that blockhead Saccardo get closer and closer profoundly tunneled under his skin like an ice pick, because the numbskull brought out a part of her Scotty had never truly seen. The lunkhead brought her such happiness and laughter after a disturbingly dark time, and Scotty was grateful for that, but it killed him more and more, and he couldn't stand the man's face. He slipped up a few times with Lilly, acting just like that junior high jealous girl who's crush had feelings for someone else, and he hated to be that petty about someone Lilly really seemed to care about. Someone who helped bring her smile back, but he couldn't stop himself. Knowing how close Saccardo was getting to Lilly… flared the feelings he thought he'd never be stupid enough to acquire in the first place.

Feelings he didn't even realize he had until she was bleeding out in his arms, feelings that sparked bright his unbridled wrath at her admitting to John Smith that she knew what it was like to not look for a way out, and he tried to bury them. He tried to suppress his heart and let ADA Thomas and Frankie Rafferty distract him, and yeah, it sort of worked. Frankie better than Alex, and yes, he'd admit that Frankie was a good distraction, even with the mess involving her husband, but all the while, he withered inside. He had fun in the moment, but the moments were passing so quick, and… Lilly was still here.

God, she was right here, deeply embedded in his heart, and it hurt to breathe, but he'd take the pain and her company over what he knew would come if he opened his mouth.

Lilly observed the shifting in Scotty's face, specifically his eyes, and each shift ran darker and darker, a warm coffee to powerful espresso. She couldn't stand to see him hurting, and she knew he was, because it twisted in her gut like a fist for him. She maneuvered their hands to grip his, wondering if this involved his mother and the reason he might need her to have his back.

"Your hands are shaking," Lilly whispered. "Are you all right, Scotty?"

He was so far from all right, but he forced himself to nod. "Yeah… just…." His tongue tied, the feel of her hands gripping his sent tremors down his spine, and he searched her eyes, a blunt blade slid down his guts at knowing the next few months and his personal matters could alter their relationship forever. He might doom himself, but he was who he was, and he could no sooner halt the tide. With all that churned inside him, he was an ocean himself, and thus, he was compelled forward to crash against the rocky shoreline and scatter to gather and crash anew.

"I'll get you some water," Lilly told him, squeezing his hands then releasing them and rising. She didn't get two steps in before Scotty was on his feet, his hand tenderly clasped her forearm, and he spun her around at the same time she turned at the feel of his touch. She nearly tripped, but he caught her, aligning her body to his, and her eyes flashed at the abruptness of him.

"I'm sorry, Lil."

She didn't have the chance to ask what he was sorry for, rendered speechless by his hand on her cheek, and her eyes ran over his approaching face, but her body was too paralyzed to react. His lips brushed against hers in a hesitant kiss, an unexpected yet immediate spark burst in her belly, and goosebumps rose along her forearms and on the skin his palm touched. It was a short kiss, and the second his lips moved away from hers, she, without thinking, leaned forward and crushed her mouth to his.

Scotty snaked his arm around her waist to rid them of any gaps between them, needing her much closer than she was, and his blood surged at the fever of her kiss. It wasn't a testing the water kind of kiss, not like this, and when she softly moaned, he groaned at a sound he'd wondered on for years. His hand shifted from her cheek to cradle the back of her head, the chill of the winter air clung to her cornsilk-hued strands, and his heart sang hymns at Lilly's hands on him—exploring the expanse of his back, not to shoving him away by his chest.

The apprehension in his bones at the thought of kissing her didn't fade, but his sheer ecstasy and growing arousal at their heated kisses overpowered everything else in him. He longed to take this damned coat off her, as well as the scarf, and he wanted to take her hair down, but he wouldn't push his luck. For now, all he wanted was to savor the fact that she was kissing him in return and to memorize the feel of her mouth on his.

The part of her being and brain that should've shut this down seconds before he was close enough to kiss her had to be malfunctioning. She couldn't think of another reason, and now with his mouth claiming hers in greedy, ravenous kisses, she couldn't be bothered to think at all, let alone of a reason why. His mouth was softer than it looked, his lips conforming perfectly to hers, and she couldn't ignore how amazing this all felt. The thousands of reasons why she should ignore it drowned in the roaring in her blood that demanded more of him. So much more.

They broke apart for air, his brow pressed to hers, and he cupped his hands to her hips through her coat. They'd crossed a line, but they could stop now and move forward like this never happened. This was that point, and he wanted her to know she had that choice. As much as he didn't want to walk away from her, or walk away from this, he would respect whatever she wanted to do, because he respected her, and he loved her so goddamn much. He'd sooner burn the world down than be another person who fucked her over.

"Lil…."

She evened her breathing and waited for him to finish his sentence, but he didn't. He simply admired her, and she pinned the look as one he'd given her in the past. She hadn't needed a reason to contemplate the meaning behind that look, but now she knew what it was, and why it was there. She knew the best decision was to leave his apartment and pretend like this never happened, but her legs didn't move. Her brain didn't send any command to run, and she actively went against her better judgment by unwinding her scarf and removing her winter coat.

His arousal-darkened eyes tracked her movements from the scarf to the coffee table and her winter coat pooling on his floor. She still wore business casual, but it was a clear invitation. One he unhesitatingly accepted.

So quickly did the living room become a clothing graveyard, Scotty was reduced to his t-shirt and boxers, carrying a scantily clad Lilly to his bedroom with her legs secured around his waist. He carefully laid her down on his blankets, admiring the sight of her hair messy from his fingers, her rosy lips swollen from his kisses, and he'd never knew boy shorts and a cotton bra could be so sexy. Maybe it was the fluffed hair. Maybe it was her partially unbutton dress shirt that blessedly didn't conceal her long legs. Maybe it was how she looked on his bed, waiting for him, wanting him, and hell—it was all of the above, and the rest didn't matter.

He climbed on top of her on the bed, softly kissing her lips once, and her hands glided over his sides to gather his t-shirt. He helped her in removing it, stealing another kiss before liberating her body of the same top layer, and his eyes drank in her near flawlessly creamy skin, feathering kisses over the dark beauty marks along her chest and neck. Her fingers weaved through his short cropped locks, her legs entrapping his hips, and her whines blazed his blood. He'd never ached for any woman as much as he ached for her, so he showed her how desperately he wanted her. He rolled his hips against hers, his erection grinding against her sex, and she gasped, her thighs instinctively squeezing him.

Her sex clenched at the feel of his pelvis rocking against hers, and she needed more than teasing. She needed him, and how ready she was for him seemed implausible, but when the rest of their clothing was stripped away, and he entered her, it was organic. He felt almost too good, too perfect, and it wasn't only inside her. It was on top of her, kissing her, groping her body and leaving marks on the inner flesh of her thighs, and still the warnings on blurred lines and regulations on partners dissolved with each thrust, and everything around them faded away.

It faded for practically the whole evening, briefly broken for Chinese takeout at one in the morning with a bottle of wine Scotty fished out while trying to find something other than water to drink, and it was momentarily paused when Lilly debated on showering. He not-so-sweetly reminded her that a shower was pointless, trapping her against the wall with his hips and growing erection. He was too persuasive for his own good, but she'd chalk it up to the wine, laughter and sesame noodles. He pinned her against the wall and kissed her senseless before dropping to his knees and going down on her. Afterwards he carried her back to bed to cuddle her and rest since it was going on three in the morning.

Unfortunately, they were both too worn out to remember to set an alarm for the morning, so the annoying vibrations of his phone grinding on the wood top of his nightstand served as a wake up reminder. Scotty, half-asleep, groped for his phone and answered, and it was Nick, wanting to know where the hell he was. It was going on ten in the morning, and neither he nor Lilly had bothered to show up. Scotty scrubbed his hand over his eyes and tossed out an excuse, which Nick didn't believe, but he didn't have to. Nick told him to get his ass in the office and ended the call.

Scotty groaned and pushed himself up, blinking at the faint light in his room, and he learned the space beside him was empty and cold to the touch. His frown was instant and unavoidable, and he saw Lilly's undergarments and dress shirt were no longer on his floor. He snagged a pair of sweats from the hamper and stepped out into the hall, the scent of coffee greeted him, and he—moderately—hurried to the kitchen. Lilly stood behind the counter with a cup of coffee, damp blonde hairs cascaded down her narrow shoulders, and she'd jacked one of his favorite football t-shirts. It draped her body down to the tops of her thighs, but he could still see the marks he'd left there.

"Mornin'." He smiled at her, hands splayed on the countertop as he leaned over it. "Did you take a shower?"

"Yes." She set his cup of coffee on the counter and slid it over to him, and he thanked her, shocked by sight and taste that she'd made it exactly how he liked. "Kinda had no choice."

He chuckled to himself and drank from his cup. He knew better than to boast right now, but he wanted to.

"We should talk about last night." She grabbed her cup of coffee and exhaled. "Not now, though. We have other things to focus on today, but soon, okay?"

"Yeah, prolly best to wait till… we got the time." His chest squeezed, because he knew the more time they left this without discussion, the higher chance of infection and decay. Frankly, he wanted to lock them in this apartment until they talked it out, but if Lilly couldn't find an escape route, she'd make one. Possibly by charging through a wall, or his front door.

"We're already late, but I wanted to let my hair dry before I headed out. It's still freezing outside." The subsequent wince at her wording did little to amend the sentence's brash escape. "Tha—that's not the only reason I didn't leave."

He stiffly nodded. "S'fine, Lil. You don't gotta… stick around." He gripped the coffee cup in his hand. "S'not like we're a couple, not like it meant... somethin'."

"Scotty—"

"We're late," he interrupted her. "I gotta jump in the shower and get changed. Keep the shirt, or… wash it and bring it back. Whichever works for you." He bailed out with that last comment, and the closing of a door cemented everything.

She scoffed under her breath and tossed back the rest of her coffee, collecting her clothes from the pile she'd arranged earlier. She kept his shirt but dressed in her slacks, shoes and coat. She considered writing a note to try and smooth out the edges, but she couldn't find a strip of free paper. She sent him a text on her way down the hall and emphasized that last night was good, but she didn't want to ruin their relationship like this. If he'd let a poor choice of words led his thoughts and cloud what happened last night, then he could chew on this instead.

If he chose to not read it, then… he made his choice, and they had no moves. Neither forward nor backwards, they would be perpetually stalled.

And she was correct. Their dynamic was drastically altered by that night, and it wasn't all begrudged spite and bitter silence. They more or less kept up appearances at work, and whenever one or the other would try and clear the air, they fumbled. Finding the right words wasn't a casual undertaking.

Scotty withheld his heart, and doing so was agonizing for him. He wanted to make amends with her, get back what they were, but those thoughts were the basics. For the complex and the damned impractical, he wanted to be with her. The more he saw her, the more he wanted her, and she approached him with friendship and wanting to put what happened behind them like it meant nothing. It killed him to know that was what she thought of them being together, being a couple, and he couldn't agree with her. He couldn't accept her peace, not when that was the energy backing it. At least while it was open to hurt, it was open for her to maybe change her mind. It was a hefty maybe, but it was the best he had.

They'd bargained a truce in time for Louie's wedding, Scotty's jaw could've dropped at the sight of Lilly in a dress and heels, and he couldn't resist a wolf whistle. She was a bombshell, and he had to remind his eyes that she wasn't the purpose of the event. Watching Louie and Anna get married was tricky, but it wasn't just him ogling Lilly over the rim of his drinking glass. They were all playing dirty to dig up information on his new bride's previous wedding and dead groom-to-be in the background of the current wedding. It worked out for the best, but they weren't welcome at the champagne brunch. Scotty didn't know what the hell that was, nor did he care. He enjoyed the open bar—and Lilly getting stuck with the bride's bouquet that she actively dodged with her hands, as if it were a grenade and not a floral arrangement.

She smiled with amusement, picking up the bouquet through the applause and whistling, and the first chance he could, he got her alone and teased her on it. She whacked him in the chest with the bouquet and told him to keep it, and the air between them sang of fun and flirty. So with the location Scotty had lured her to keeping them hidden from the guests and staff, he made his move. He clasped her hand instead of the flowers and kissed her, a kiss that hastily turned into feverishly making out, and he was damn tempted to run up a credit card booking a room here to get Lilly alone.

They were interrupted by members of the hotel staff drawing nearer to replenish something in the reception area, but Scotty didn't want to move on from her, and Lilly felt the same. They slipped away from their friends, leaving through separate exits and meeting up at her place, and the intensity of their encounter was compounded and all-consuming. It was obvious their relationship and whatever status they settled on could never be what it was, as they basically had sex on every sturdy surface in Lilly's apartment before even making it to her bed. It was terrifying and sensational, and the voice in the back of Lilly's head called for her to stop this before not even an apology could rectify this.

Only… Scotty's touch and kisses were louder, burying even the fear of what this meant, but she knew—and perhaps he did, too—when they parted, her disquietude would sweep in. She'd let it, because what the hell were they even doing here in her mind?

In his, he was loving her, but he didn't know if this meant more to her, or if she was merely caught up in the moment. He didn't want to know, not now, not when he could be with her. He'd deal with later and tomorrow when they came, because he had her now and today.

He didn't know how he ended up here, in a hospital with an eight-month old on his lap, Lilly's stepmother juggling paper coffee cups, and Lilly coming in and out with her father. He didn't mind the little girl in his arms, but the chaos of the longest day drained from him, and he needed sleep. So much sleep, and he wanted that sleep with Lilly in his arms, but they hadn't been together like that since Louie's wedding. They mended any edges, but now more than ever, Scotty was in love with her, and he wanted to be with her. Hearing about the FBI job offer…. God, he prayed she didn't take it, as horrible as that was. He wanted her to stay, even if she didn't want to be with him. He wanted her to stay. He needed her by his side in any way she'd have him.

Lilly entered the waiting room for the 70th time, exhaustion evident in her face, and she collapsed into the chair beside him. Paul and Celeste had temporary guardianship over Christina's daughter, Gabrielle "Gabby" Rush, and Christina was receiving the best care for her physical injuries, and Lilly had a rehab lined up for when Christina was discharged from the hospital. All the while, Lindsey would help speed up Gabby's case, so she could be in a safe environment with family.

"Paul took Celeste and Gabby home," Scotty relaid to Lilly after her update, and she weakly nodded her head, having said goodbye to them previously. "You're exhausted. Lemme take you home."

"That would involve walking, and I don't have the energy for that," she sleepily jested, rubbing the heel of her hand into her eye. "God, I am so hungry, but I'm too tired to chew."

"Can't help you with the chewin', but..." Scotty checked the time on his wristwatch, "I know a twenty-four hour diner nearby. C'mon, Rush, I'll treat you. You just gotta use your feet. Otherwise I gotta carry you outta here, and it gets real awkward for all of us."

She snickered and stood up, her brain dizzying, and she stumbled, gripping her forehead. Scotty instantly flew up to grasp her hips and bring her body against his to keep her from collapsing, and she tried to assure him she was fine. It was probably the crash she'd been expecting from going, going, going, and she tried to explain that to him, but he wouldn't hear it. He kept his arm around her back and guided her out of the hospital to the car, and he did the same to show her into the diner, and then back out and to her home. It was actually nice to be close to him, to feel his solid body protectively holding hers, and she knew then the delirium had kicked in.

Scotty insisted on seeing her to bed, Lilly went as far as the daybed in her apartment, and Scotty covered her with a blanket. She was out cold the second her head touched the pillow, so he removed her boots and set a reasonable alarm. He knelt at her bedside and watched her snooze away, stroking strands of cornsilk hair from her face, and his heart scorched with fervent love.

He knew today had been the biggest trial of their relationship, more than Moe, more than Joseph or round one with Chris, and he felt even closer to her. He felt his love for her swelling with each conversation they had, and even when they fought on the street prior to going after Christina and Lilly's service weapon. He almost said it. He almost admitted to being hopelessly in love with her, but he stopped himself. She wouldn't have wanted to hear it, it wasn't the right time, and he didn't want the first confession of being in love with her to unfold in the middle of the street, surrounded by strangers and fighting about Chris and pills and supposed lies. He'd been angry, upset, and it wouldn't have been a gentle admission, not with how he led.

"You think I wanna get put in the middle of this all over again?" He surveyed her face, because he couldn't keep throwing this back on her and Chris's crap relationship if she was going to lash out on him like this. Christina was nothing to him but his partner's sister, and after all they'd been through, all they'd done together, this was the stance Lilly chose? It clawed through his veins, dripped in acid, and he couldn't stand it. To stand here and take her venom, knowing she was dead wrong about him meeting with Christina first. He regarded Chris coldly for how she'd wronged him, how she'd wronged Lilly, and because he was so maddeningly in love with Lilly, and he didn't want his meeting with Chris alone to be misconstrued, as it was. As Lilly allowed it to be.

"Well, that didn't stop you before," Lilly threw in his face, repulsion heavy on her tongue, and she couldn't stomach being around him. "She's just another piece to you, right, Scotty?" She cut around him and stormed off.

Okay, that was it! A wave of desperate irritation surged through his blood, increasing the pace of his heart, and he lost control of his tongue. "You know, why don't you take your ass back up to the feds and take that big job?" He whirled around to face her, his eyes emptying out at the words strangling him on their eject, and Lilly faced him with parted lips. "You can forget about us, just like you forgot about your sister!"

Lilly's eyes narrowed in bewilderment, because the fuck did that have to do with this situation? With him meeting Christina and not telling her? Or mentioning the fact that she was hooked on pills? She could only express the confusion with a booming, "What?!"

It was in that precise second Scotty realized he'd fucked up, bigger than the fuck-up of meeting Christina and not mentioning it to Lilly, and he had to reel this in. His emotions were getting the best of him, and he couldn't let his agony over her potentially trading her detective's badge in for a federal shield control him like this. They'd come to terms with having slept together, and they called a truce and dubbed the sex between them as nothing more than sex. He didn't agree, but now was not the fucking time to air his regrets in letting her think what happened between them was merely comfort sex between two emotionally exhausted friends.

Seriously, though, how could she write it off like that? Especially after they spent the night of Louie's wedding together in her place, and they were together the whole next morning. They made breakfast and had coffee, and…. God, he couldn't do this!

"…I figured... you were her next stop anyway." He peered her face. "Was I right?"

She closed the space between them, studying every inch of his coffee irises, and she inhaled to steady herself, her heart racing a million miles a minute. Her lungs crunched, and the emotion in her blood felt like she'd run a marathon. The flush of heat in her face and the twinge in her chest spoke of things she didn't want to admit. Things she couldn't admit, especially in these circumstances. "Why wouldn't you just tell me?" she softly demanded of him.

Scotty gulped down the true answer and averted his eyes, so she couldn't see the sheer agony in his soul. "I don't know, Lil," the watery words slid from his mouth, and he shifted towards her, tacking on venom to disguise his heart. Anger was an emotion he wore well, and she could handle anger better than his true feelings. "Maybe I got my own family to deal with. Did you ever think of that?"

She couldn't mask the anguish in her eyes, but he'd turned his back to her, and she allowed herself to breathe. Rapid, searing breaths, and she glared at him, averting her eyes to the ground when he stopped his stride and turned back to her. They knew each other well enough that avoiding eye contact and shielding facial expressions did nothing to divert the true emotion the other felt, and Scotty hated how he let his mouth get the better of him.

Goddamn it. It wasn't supposed to play out like this.

He shoved it all away. "We just gonna stand here, arguin' all damn day?" His voice broke and deepened, but he kept talking, because he had to. He opened the passenger side door for her. "Or are we gonna get your gun and Christina back?"

She heaved a sigh and got in the car, and he checked his emotions, locking them away, because it wasn't the time. He'd have to create one, but now absolutely wasn't it. He closed the door and struggled to breathe. Well, he struggled to conceal the fact that he was in love with her and every second he had to pretend he wasn't was a second closer to him losing his sanity. He couldn't keep swallowing this. He needed to tell her, not lash out like a wounded teenager.

He hurried around the car to the driver's seat and snuffled, steeling his resolve. As soon as Christina was settled and Lilly had her service gun back, they needed to talk.

He kissed her hair and locked up on his way out, pausing to glance over her front door with a tiny, sleepy smile on his lips, and he headed for his place. After a good night's sleep, some exercise and a long shower, he'd be back to talk to Lilly. He hoped it went well, because he couldn't keep hiding it. It'd been actual years, and his distractions weren't distracting him, and he didn't want them. He wanted all of her, and he hoped she wanted him for all of him, not the part that was her best friend, or the parts that had warmed her bed.

Unfortunately, Scotty wasn't able to talk to Lilly as he'd planned, because she took a short leave of absence to address personal matters. He tried calling her and texting her, but she didn't answer the calls, and her one-word response to his texts weren't reassuring. He tried to concentrate on work and his family, and it was okay. He saw the improvements in his ma, and the job was the same as ever, but his eyes instinctively focused on Lilly's vacant desk. He tried to avoid it, but he couldn't.

It'd been two and a half weeks. Dust had settled in her keyboard and inside her blue PPD coffee cup, and were it not for the cleaning crew, it would've enveloped her entire desk. His heart rotted itself when she stopped answering his texts altogether, and he was tempted to jack Kat's phone and call her up, because if any number could compel Lilly to answer, it was Kat's. They were friends. Kat was the overly concerned type, and women liked to talk to other women when they were struggling, right? Wasn't that right?

He was right that this was a pathetic link to Lilly, so… he had that, at least.

He rubbed his jaw and punched in, entering the third week of no Lilly at work, and he secured his gun, sauntering through the office like a zombie, and he halted at the sound of laughter. He knew that sound very well, and he looked up to see Kat cooing over baby Gabby on Lilly's hip, and his heart finally exhaled at the sight of her. She was dressed for work, admiring her niece and laughing over Kat's silly baby talk, and he saw a stroller by her desk with a purse he knew belonged to Celeste on it.

"She's so sweet." Kat gingerly lifted the baby up and held her. "Look at those cheeks."

Lilly smirked. "Careful there, Kat. It sounds like you want another one." She swept hair behind her ear and leaned over her desk to write a note to herself for later.

"Please, I have my hands full with Vee." She couldn't lie that her heart melted for these chubby thighs and shining eyes. "And unsurprisingly enough—Curtis, too."

"Mm, do you mean that as he's your boyfriend who takes up your time, or you have to micromanage him like he's a child?" Lilly teased.

"I'll never tell." Kat adjusted Gabby in her arms. "Not sober, anyway. We get a few margaritas in me, and we'll have a different conversation."

Lilly laughed. "That actually answers my question, you know."

"I ain't sayin' nothin'." She carted Gabby off as Valens beelined to his partner, and that was a conversation she was happy to miss.

"Lil." The relief encasing her name was palpable, and he had to refrain from grabbing her and hugging her. "You're here."

"Should I not be?" She yanked the sticky note from the pad and stuck it on her computer, meeting his eyes with a small smile.

"No, you—you should be. Here, I mean." He frowned at the weak capacity of his brain and his apparent reduction in vocabulary, and Lilly smirked at him. He shook his head with a short laugh and began again. "How are you? You were gone awhile."

"Yeah, I had some things to straighten out, and Christina and I needed... time." She glanced over at Gabby and Kat, and she crossed her arms under her breasts. "I needed to spend time with my niece, too. She's the whole reason Christina is trying to turn her life around, and why she's sticking to it. Also, Lindsey wanted to talk to Paul and Celeste about Gabby's guardianship, and I wanted to be there. I wanted to help work it all out and show that I'd be there for Gabby, too. If they needed me to be."

He nodded and a smile ghosted his lips. "It went well then? With Lindsey, your folks and Gabby?"

"Yes." She nodded her head. "It's completely sorted out, and… so am I."

His brows dipped, and he examined her face. "What do you mean, so are you?"

"Lil," Stillman entered the bullpen and nodded for her to meet him in his office, and she complied, telling Scotty they'd talk later. The comment did nothing to loosen the boulders in his guts.

And annoyingly, later didn't arrive until they closed their next case, and the office was clearing out for the night. Stillman informed his team he wanted to have a word with them regarding this case, everyone traded curious looks, and they gathered in the break room for a conversation. It wasn't a conversation any of them expected, as Stillman presented them with a bottle of champagne and plastic flutes. The flutes were an afterthought. He'd have gone with their PPD coffee cups, but she'd earned a flute. It worked in her favor, too, that two weeks prior, they'd celebrated the retirement of a different detective.

"Don't tell us you're retiring again," Kat half-joked, standing between Lilly and Nick, a bubbling concern rising in her gut.

"What?" Nick scoffed, not accepting any news of Stillman's retirement. "No way."

"He's tried it before," Will reminded his friend with a compassionate grin on his lips. "Is it gonna stick this time?"

John couldn't help but simultaneously laugh and glare at this team. "I haven't said a word but thank you for seeing me out early. I appreciate how much I mean to you all."

"You really think it's early, Boss?" Kat mused, and they laughed, but the jumping in her gut didn't stop, because if it wasn't about Stillman, who was it about?

"Look, no one's retiring," his eyes moved to where Lilly stood between Kat and Scotty, "but we are losin' one of our own—and to the feds, no less."

All eyes landed on Lilly Rush, who shyly smiled and moved around the table to thank John, and it confirmed that she was, in fact, leaving them for the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Nick instantly began to shake his head no, Will grinned at her, and Kat couldn't pretend she wasn't about to cry. John beamed proudly at Lilly, and she reminded him that she specifically asked him not to do this.

"You've a good career here, Lil, and you're still a member of this team, so I'll do what I want," John replied, popping the top the champagne carefully, and Lilly responded with a playful scowl.

"I'll have some of that, but first." Kat moved around the table to embrace Lilly. "C'mere, Lil, I'm so proud of you."

"Thank you, Kat." She accepted her hug and laughed lightly.

Nick and Will moved in to congratulate Lilly, although Nick was aiming for the hooch, not the traitor. John filled the flutes with a generous pour, and Scotty stood statue still. His body locked into place as his blood hardened to glass and diced him up inside. He couldn't move his eyes off Lilly, the news of her accepting the job at the FBI screeching through his head like a busted record in a cheesy horror film, and the light and laughter of the room evaded him. He couldn't feel his body or hear the sounds around him as the screeching dissolved into a shrill ringing against his own heartbeat, and he couldn't…. He just couldn't.

Nick refused to hug Lilly or show any approval of her leaving them, and she stalked him around the table, but he wouldn't concede. "No, you're joinin' the dark side. I don't fraternize with the enemy."

Lilly laughed. "I've seen you fraternize with worse."

"Still preferable to the feds." He fastened his arms tightly over his chest. "Not to mention the fact that you're leavin' us and Philly. I don't approve, and I'm not gonna feed into the idea that this is a good thing."

"Oh, stop bein' a big baby and give her a damn hug." Kat extended a champagne flute to the whining man. "Here."

"I'm only acceptin' this as free hooch, and nothin' else." Nick took the flute. "Seriously, Rush, I don't approve of this."

"Aww, c'mon, Nick." Lilly mirrored the same expression she had all those months ago when he bought a ballistic report with tickets to Wicked and a nice dinner. "You don't mean that."

"Maybe I do, maybe I don't." His growing grin revealed the truth. "I'm not givin' a toast either way."

"That's not necessary," John assured him. "I have one prepared, and we all know how you drone."

"I drone?" Nick's brows shot up, and they laughed. "Okay, so you're still my boss, so I won't say what I was gonna, but don't go there."

Kat opened her mouth to ask how she could buy that hot ticket item of a quiet Vera, but Will intercepted her with a congratulatory word to Lilly. Lilly hugged him in thanks, and he wished her luck. He always knew she'd go places, and he was proud to work with her. The gaping wound in her chest stung at the sweetness of his words, and John handed out the rest of the flutes.

Lilly declined hers, informing the group that she had company coming over to help her pack, and she didn't want anything in her system that could convince her to not pack. She revealed she had to be out of her place in a couple days, and she still had plenty of arrangements to make for hauling everything to her new home. She couldn't get sidetracked or delayed, but she thanked him all the same.

"Guess you're drinkin' for two." Kat said this to shine the light on Scotty, who hadn't said squat and hadn't moved or really blinked in the past ten minutes. She was worried about him, and she didn't know if pulling him aside would work, so she'd throw the light on him. "Bottoms up, Valens."

Lilly faced Scotty now, seeing he'd lost several shades of color in his being, and his movements were rigid, like he had to shake off the stiffness. Her attempts to keep her smile faltered, and a mask she'd never seen him employ covered his face. He hobbled forward and took the champagne flute from Miller with a dry, barely-there smile, and Stillman delivered a heartfelt speech to encompass the work and dedication of Lilly Rush, Philly's first female murder cop.

The lovely speech could've reduced them all to tears, Lilly hugged John and thanked him for everything, and Nick submitted to her request for a hug. Kat sipped on her drink and informed Lilly they were having dinner together before she left Philly, and Will ragged on Stillman's taste in champagne as Scotty drained his flute like it was a shot.

The old friends picked on each other, Nick dolorously gazed out into the bullpen at what was now Lilly's former desk, Kat and Lilly discussed their plans for dinner, and Scotty had to get the hell out of there. He could celebrate a lot of things, but not this. Never this.

Lilly happened to notice that Scotty disappeared from the break room, and she excused herself from her conversation with Kat to track him down, but she didn't know how long he'd been gone, and she couldn't find him in the office or the lobby. She frowned and tried to call, but his phone went right to voicemail.

"Everything okay?" Kat met Lilly at her desk, and Lilly shook her head, informing her that Scotty just bailed. Kat wasn't surprised, but she'd leave this conversation for a more private space. If Lilly even wanted to discuss what she and Scotty were up. She'd clocked the looks Scotty had been giving her for weeks now, and they were anything but friendly. "I'm sure he needs time. This wasn't small news."

"...yeah." Her eyes were fixed on her phone.

"Look, why don't we pack up your desk and grab some food?"

Her eyes lingered on Scotty's open contact on her phone, but she accepted Kat's offer and one of the boxes they used for case files. She'd never have fathomed that the joy she felt at holding a box marked closed could cripple in comparison to the anguish of holding one that said nothing at all and contained nothing yet. God, this was so much harder than she thought it'd be. She'd hoped it'd be easier with them beside her, but the one she wanted most had cut out early, and she couldn't blame him.

"You wanna talk while we pack?" Kat peered at Lilly.

Lilly glanced over her shoulder at Will, John and Nick goofing off in the break room, and she shook her head. "Maybe later."

"We can do that." She rubbed her arm. "I'm here for you, Lilly. Federal shield or detective badge notwithstanding, I'm here, okay?"

"I know." She swallowed. "It's just…."

"You thought it'd be Valens here, not me." Kat gently took the box from Lilly's hands and placed it on her desk, and Lilly nodded. "You're not alone in that thinking, but the night's not over, and Valens was too quiet to be done. He'll be back. Dolt just needs to be alone and prolly drunk to process his man-feelings. I mean, nobody likes change, and he's probably upset you didn't tell him beforehand."

"Yeah, you're probably right." Lilly tucked loose hair behind her ear. "I uh, I thought it'd be easier for Boss to tell everyone."

"Easier for you, not easier for us." Kat wrapped an arm around Lilly's shoulders and squeezed. "You're our family, Lil, and we're gonna miss you, no matter how great a chance this is. We're proud, but we're sad, too. Especially me. I'm the only female now, and I don't think I can survive these Neanderthals alone."

"With our budget issues, I doubt they'll bring anyone else in, so… I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, Lilly. This is a huge advancement for you, and you should be proud. Happy and proud, even if it hurts a little. We'll root for you no matter what badge you carry, 'cause you're one of us. It's in the paperwork."

"Oh, yeah? Where? In fine print?" Lilly mused, trying to shake the ice on her bones.

"Where else?" She squinted over her shoulder at Will, Boss and Nick. "Had I read that print, I would've had second thoughts."

She laughed. "I hear that."

Kat fixed a knowing look at Lilly. "Do you want some mustard with that baloney, Rush? 'Cause I know of a least two reasons why that's a load."

"I'll need booze before I get into either one." Lilly knelt to unpack her desk drawers. "Thanks for the help, but I'll pass on that conversation."

"Fine, but it'll be you, me, food and drinks in a couple days, and we're divin' deep."

Lilly said nothing, but she knew that wouldn't spare her Kat's scrutiny. She hoped the booze was strong, because she couldn't get into one of those reasons. She just couldn't.

A knock on the door pulled Lilly's attention from the midnight snack she'd thrown together from the scraps of her fridge, and it was vaguely horrifying, because her fridge only ever consisted of spare food items. She'd considered passing the items off on Finn, but everything would thaw on the drive over, and honestly, the expiration dates rubbed off at some point. She couldn't remember when she'd purchased it, and the last gift she wanted to give the kid was food poisoning. So, to the trash for that, and… enter this nightmare fuel that contested Scotty and his cheese-whiz on his cheesesteak.

She'd eaten less than half of it when the knock on the door sounded, and she couldn't tell if she liked it, or if this was a challenge on her gut. She was happy for a reason to walk away, but she didn't know who'd show up to her apartment at this hour. She opened the door to answer that inquiry, and she wasn't shocked to learn Scotty Valens was who.

"Scotty, what are you doing here?" She didn't move from the entryway, her eyes tracking the disheveled state of her partner of the last seven years, and she couldn't decide what looked worse—his clothes, or his bloodshot eyes. Her guts twisted, because she didn't smell a drop of alcohol on him, so she could deduce the redness in his eyes were from his thinly withheld emotions. His unshed tears from the news of her leaving, of her not breathing a word of her considering this move with him, especially after all they'd been through in the last six months alone. "It's after midnight."

"Is it?" He'd lost his watch somewhere in the last few hours, and he didn't have the room in his mind to care about a damned watch. He was losing his mind on all the things he wanted to say, all the things he wanted to do, and he couldn't articulate any of it. His thoughts tumbled in his mind over and over, jumbling with his affection and his hurt, and he didn't want to lash out, so he tried to connect them. He tried to make sense of them and convey it to her in a cohesive and comprehensible way that she'd understand, that she could feel what he meant and what he felt, and then she'd stay. Stay in Philly, stay in her apartment, stay on cold jobs, stay… with him.

"It is." She hugged her chest with her arms. "You look terrible."

"Matches how I feel." He cleared his throat, but he'd acclimated to living with the lump lodged there. "C—could I come in?"

"Yeah." She moved out of his way and closed the door after him, noting his sluggish movements and the hand dragging through his hair. "Look, Scotty, I know why you're here, and I know I should've talked to you beforehand, given you some notice—"

"You're damn right you should've talked to me!" he cut her off, whirling around to face her, and he threw his arms out. "You rip me outta work, ask me to help you chase down Christina and your gun, and then you… just take a job with the feds? Straight outta the blue without talkin' to me, or any of us? You took weeks off work to set this up, but you couldn't take two minutes to call and let me know what you're wantin' to do? Or stop by my place? What, am I just an afterthought? You told Boss, but you couldn't—"

"I took those weeks off work to sort out my situation with Christina, with my niece and my dad, and it just so happened that Ryan called me about the job." She didn't like the flash in his eyes at the mention of Ryan, but she wasn't going to deal with it now. She'd passed on Ryan's advances, and she'd pass on Scotty's flashing eyes. "I've been thinking about… certain areas of my life for weeks, and well before Ryan contacted me, and it's absolutely a great step for me, for my career."

"What, so that's it? It's just you and your career? Just—Ryan?" His eyes narrowed as his jaw loosened, and he scoffed. "Your job isn't all you have, Lil!"

"I know, but—"

"No, you don't know!" he shouted over her, and she exhaled, blanking her face to don the Ice Queen mask. "And if you felt totally fine with it, you woulda told me. Or talked to me 'fore you went and upgraded your badge to a federal shield and new zip code!"

"It had nothing to do with you!" Lilly erupted. "This is my life, Scotty, and we are friends and partners, but what I do or where I go is up to me! I'm an adult, if you'll recall. I don't need your permission or approval. Nor do I want it for this amazing opportunity presented to me! The reach, the resources, the difference I could make on a broader scope—if you're my friend, you'll be happy for me. Like everyone else is!"

He stared at her, streaks of red scorched his neck and cheeks, and his frame tensed as his lips pressed together. He scoffed them apart, uttering, "So, that's all I am? A friend and… and your former partner?"

She closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose, but she knew the heart of the issue. She knew it'd become a problem the second they kissed that night, but they were able to cobble together a truce. It crumbled again at Louie's wedding, but that was the end of it. It had to be, and now it was. She'd asked him for too much, and he was right. He had his own family to think about. He had his own life and path to forge, and she wouldn't impose on him anymore.

"Lil…." His voice was low, gentle and oozing with remorse, and he closed the space between them. "If… if this is about… us sleepin' together, if that's why you're doin' this, even in the slightest bit—I'm sorry, okay?"

Her eyes flew open and gawped his face, her lips parting with four different questions ready to drop, but she couldn't get more than a croak out.

"I—I know how much you like your boundaries, and I know I'm the asshole who always pushes. I push everythin', and I… I shouldn't have included you in that. I… I'm so sorry, Lil. I didn't mean to wreck what we had, and I didn't mean to… to ever make you think you can't trust me. Or talk to me." He wanted to touch her, but he couldn't feel his body, let alone move it. He couldn't even feel the tears on his face, only the hot shame there, and his lungs shivered in his chest. "You mean so much to me, and I would never jeopardize what we got. I would never… betray you—"

She blinked back tears of her own and closed the space between them. "Scotty, I need you to hear me. This decision wasn't made for anything but advancing my career. I've worked my whole life to do good, and with the resources and reach I've been offered as an agent, I can do even more. I can better serve our victims, and it has nothing to do with us having slept together, okay? I'm not running from you with this move. It's for all the people I can better help and taking charge of my life. That's it."

His lips quavered. "I…."

"If you regret what happened, that's okay, but it's not why I accepted the position." She cautioned a step forward and embraced him, and he latched onto her, holding the back of her head and burying his face in her shoulder. She gripped him tightly, her palms clamping down on his shirt, and she inhaled the scent of him. His aftershave, his deodorant, his soap, and how it mixed with him. She'd miss his scent and the presence of him so much. More than she could ever convey with words or actions.

"I don't regret any of it," he promised, snuffling, and she felt his shuddered breathing against her fingers on his back. "You're the best thing that ever happened to me, Lil."

She tried to suppress her whimper, but she couldn't, not with him being… well, him, and she smiled through her tears. "I don't regret any of it either, and I'm so thankful for you. For everything you've done for me. I'll never be able to put into words how grateful I am to have met you and how much you mean to me."

He squeezed his eyes shut and compressed her body to his hard enough to fuse their bodies, and she not only let him, but she held onto him just as fiercely, and for the briefest moment, he considered speaking those three words. They bloomed in his chest and played on his lips, but one look around stamped them out. Her place was basically all packed up, she'd resigned from PPD, and she had mapped out this new course for her life. Three words weren't going to stop her. They just weren't.

She slipped away from his embrace and dried her eyes, wishing she hadn't packed the tissues already. "I never meant for you to think this had anything to do with us, and I'm sorry I didn't talk to you. It happened so quick, and all the little details got the better of me, and I couldn't… I couldn't process a detail as big as you."

He sucked in a steadying breath and nonchalantly scrubbed the tear streaks from his cheeks. He didn't know what to say, but he knew he didn't want to leave. He didn't want her to leave, and he couldn't control either one, but he could try and squeeze in as much time with her as he could before she was gone.

"Are you hungry?" He wasn't sure he could cram food down his throat, but he'd do anything to spend more time with her. A meal provided time, so he hoped she was.

"Uhh." Her eyes shifted to the pass-over and the meal crafted out of food parts that didn't mesh, and she nodded. "Yeah, my… food's pretty much gone. With my plans to leave being early on Thursday, it's not a problem, but my point is—yes, I could eat."

His throat contracted at confirmation of her departure date, it was in two days, and given that she was leaving in the morning, it was basically one day. She had one day left in Philly, and it belonged to last-minute errands and a dinner with Kat. So, all he really had was tonight.

Dios, ayúdalo a sobrevivir a esto.

"Do you know a place?" Lilly walked around him to retrieve her wallet.

"Yeah, my place." He smiled thoughtfully, and she paused in picking up her phone, eyeing him. "What? I can cook for us. It's cheaper on the wallet, and my steaks are tops. Nobody can sear a steak better than me."

She laughed lightly, arching her brow to goad him. "Is that supposed to impress me?"

"Yes." The cocky grin he'd taped on was close to genuine.

"Mm, I suppose I'll have to try it for myself and decide." She wet her bottom lip and ducked into the kitchen to toss the questionable food thing into the trash. "I hate to be that person who kills the idea that if it's still bleeding that means it's a perfect steak, but I will be. If it's still mooing, I'm not eating it."

"You just get pickier and pickier." He smirked at her, and she casually shrugged. "Fine, but don't hate on me when its potential's lost."

"I'll live." She matched his smirk. "Are you driving?"

"Yeah, why change it up now?"

They had a surplus of changes coming, so old and familiar was nice for both of them. The drive to Scotty's place was the same, he offered her a drink, but she passed. It was after midnight, they were about to have a heavy meal, and the last thing she needed was a food- and drink-induced nap on his couch. She had a million things to do later today, and she had to readjust her sleep schedule as it was. Her rocket fuel never sounded so good.

"You gonna stand around or help me?" Scotty looked over his shoulder at her.

She outright laughed. "Oh, you want food poisoning and to chuck forty bucks worth of meat down the tubes?"

"What, you can't wash a vegetable?"

"You're supposed to wash vegetables?" She cocked her head to the side, and he couldn't tell if she was serious or not. "Am I supposed to use Dawn or Palmolive? Which flavor works best?"

"Alright, you terrify me." He hauled her into the kitchen, her laughter stopped, and she started to complain, but he wouldn't hear it. "Look, you're off to the feds in forty-eight hours or less, least I can do is make sure you don't die of clogged arteries."

"And teaching me how to clean vegetables is gonna do that?" she smirked at him.

"It might." He dug out an apron he never used for anything and moved behind her to tie it around her waist. It was a weak excuse to touch her, but he'd lose any chance in forty-eight hours so...weak excuses it was.

She didn't jump at his hands moving around her body, but she had to stamp out the urge to lean back into him, and she corrected the tightness of the apron on her hips. "Does this mean I'm washing vegetables, or you're gonna show me how you get the best sear on a steak?"

"Can't reveal all my secrets," he mused. "Wash your hands, Rush."

"I'm sure my nails are cleaner than yours." All the same she washed her hands, and she happened to glance over as he laid out cloves of garlic, herbs and real butter. She assumed he was full of it with his cooking skills, but she'd only seen a layout like this for cooking shows. He was for real about this. Wow, Scotty Valens could cook. Here she assumed the takeout menus on his fridge were his sole source of nourishment. Maybe a few family dinners and hot dogs, but those menus were aged with faded finger marks from oil, so behold the impressed version of her he wanted previously.

Scotty tended to his preparations of the steak, stopping to politely correct Lilly's errors, and she was tempted to walk off, but the time she tried, he snagged her by the apron knot and returned her to the counter. She joked that this was imprisonment and unfair labor, and they both laughed before he could even retort.

"If you wanna leave, the door's right over there." He once more stood behind her, sliding his arms along hers and covering her knife-wielding hand with his own. "Otherwise—chop-chop."

"All the griping I've listened to for the past seven years from you, and you can't cut me some slack?"

"Not at a chance." He resisted the urge to kiss her cheek. "Get to work."

Cooking dinner together was a blast, and it pierced his heart, because he wanted more of this. He wanted so much more, and sitting down to eat and laugh and pretend she wasn't leaving the city forever increased his desires, increased his pain. Everything tasted like sand, and he couldn't even enjoy teasing her steak preference, and when the last bite of food was eaten, the dread slowly snaked through his veins since John's announcement of Lilly's departure for the feds consumed him. It pooled into his chest cavity, and his eyes flooded with tears. He didn't want this to end. He didn't want her to leave.

But how could he ever ask her to stay? They couldn't discuss what it meant that they'd slept together without breaking the peace of their relationship, and he knew based on that alone she'd never consider staying here and being with him.

"Don't let this go to your head," Lilly laced her fingers together and rested her chin on them, "but that was really good."

He taped on a smile. "Would've been better my way, but you're welcome."

"No comment, but here, I'll be nice and wash these." She gathered the dishes and carried them to the kitchen sink. "Could you bring in the glasses?"

"Yeah." He would normally object to her cleaning up, but he'd sponge any extra time he could. He picked the glasses up and brought them over to her. "Here."

"Thanks."

He leaned against the counter and scanned the clock on the microwave, chewing on his cheek, and he wondered if he could bribe her with dessert. Although he doubted she wanted anything he had stashed away, and this was getting desperate. He was getting desperate, and—

Fuck, she was rinsing out the last drinking glass!

She twisted the faucets off and dried her hands, shifting to lean against the counter beside him, and she nudged his arm with hers. "You're being quiet."

"...I know." He shrugged. "I… I dunno what to say, not really."

She folded the dishtowel and tossed it on the counter, turning to him. "Maybe it's better if we don't say anything."

"Lil—"

He was interrupted by her mouth gently meeting his, he instantly responded, grasping her cheeks, and she fisted the worn material of his t-shirt at his hips. He devoured her lips in rapacious kisses, like a drowning man gulping in air, and her moans spurred him on. Every sound she made woke his blood and eradicated all perturbation and darkness, and he pinned her against the counter, raising his hands to undo her ponytail.

Lilly tenderly pushed him back. "Easy, Scotty."

"Sorry," he rushed, his heart freezing at her potentially changing her mind, but he watched her tug the elastic band from her hair then untie the knot in the apron, leaving both on the counter beside her. His heart gradually raced, but he had to know one thing. He hoped the answer was one he could live with. "You sure 'bout this? I don't wanna… make you do anythin' you're not comfortable with."

She laughed and encircled his shoulders with her arms. "Do you really think you could make me do anything I didn't want to, Valens?"

His grin swallowed his whole being. "No."

Their mouths met again, Scotty savored the feel of her swollen lips and the taste of her breath, and his languid thorough kisses were delicious torture. She eagerly welcomed his tongue, matching his kiss and the strokes of his tongue. His fingers weaved through her hair, cradling the base of her head, and his arm curled around her waist to keep her flush against him.

Her heart fluttered with each kiss, building to such a euphonious song in her chest, and the only break in its harmony were his moans and murmurs. She didn't know what he was saying, as he spoke in Spanish, but she urged him to say more. It was a pointless ask, because when he did, she'd cut him off by kissing him again. She really liked when he spoke Spanish, and somehow she wanted to taste the words as he spoke them. She loved when he'd repeat a name or phrase that was originally Spanish. The natural fluidity in everything he said was beautiful, and she'd miss it. So fucking much.

She grabbed his shirt at his hips and tugged it up over his abdomen, he broke the kiss to assist her in removing it, and she drank in the sight of his beautiful skin. He was toned, a light dusting of raven hair traveled across his pecs and along the line of his chiseled midsection, and his skin was virtually flawless. He was beautiful, and it wasn't all in his face, smile or body. It was in almost everything he was, and she allowed herself this time between them now to fully appreciate every piece of him.

Scotty freed her of her hooded shirt, leaving her in a tank top with no bra, and he gently glided his hands down the length of her arms to simply feel the softness and heat of her skin. His eyes didn't leave hers until he kissed along her neck, sucking and nibbling, and her nails scratched over his forearm, her impassioned moans hardening his cock. His blood sang with every kiss he pressed to her smooth skin, and he could feel her pulse against his lips at the base of her throat.

He kissed across her shoulder, nudging the strap of her tank top down, and he glided his hand over to pull down the other strap, lowering her top to reveal the creamy swells of her breasts. He gingerly kissed her breast, circling his tongue over her nipple, and she sharply inhaled, squirming against him, and he trailed kisses down her torso, guiding her tank top and letting it pool at her feet.

Lilly combed her fingers through his hair as he unbuttoned her jeans and rolled them down her hips, leaving her in boy short underwear. Though Scotty disposed of them, her sneakers and socks as well, then he rose up, circling her waist with his arms.

"Incluso si es solo por esta noche, eres mía." He kissed her sweetly, lacing his fingers through hers, and he showed her to his bedroom. He lifted her up onto his bed and just marveled at the sight of her. "¿Puedes sentir cuánto te deseo?"

Lilly flushed, not at what he said, because she didn't speak Spanish, but at how he said it. Fervently, hungrily, without a trace of doubt or hesitation. The sultry tones paired with his blatant arousal and caressing gaze throbbed in her sex, and wanting him solidified into needing him. She arched her back and ran her eyes down his body, lingering on his poorly constrained erection. "I'll take that to mean you like what you see."

More than like, he longed to say. I love what I see.

Instead, he smirked at her. "Yeah, lemme show you how much."

He tossed aside his jeans and boxers, climbing on top of her on the bed, and she crawled backwards towards the middle of the bed, and she smiled when he hovered over her, denying him a kiss. Once...twice… three times, and she giggled when he growled low in his throat, so she cupped her hand to the back of his neck and crushed her mouth to his.

He lowered his body onto hers, her thighs hugged his hips, and he stroked his hand along her lean leg, lingering on the skin on her hip. He loved how responsive she was, from her nails scraping over his flesh to her legs squeezing him, and he couldn't get enough of her. He hardly could when they were just partners, and he didn't know how he'd survive this next chapter without her, so he'd make tonight mean everything.

"Please," Lilly breathed by his ear, "Scotty, I want you inside me."

He closed his eyes and clenched his jaw at such lascivious whispers, and he moved from her to retrieve a condom from his nightstand, and Lilly took the condom from him, freeing it from its wrapper and carefully sheathing his tumescent length. She then tossed the wrapper to the floor and straddled his hips, so he held onto hers, and their eyes momentarily locked before she sank down and enveloped his hardened length in her sex.

He groaned at the familiar and sorely missed warmth of her, and she gasped, taking him in entirely and adapting to the fullness for precious few heartbeats. Then she rolled her hips and struck a frenzied tempo, and he matched her thrust for thrust, driven by her moans and whines. He loved watching her. He loved that she wasn't shy about mounting him and setting a pace for her pleasure. He loved the way her face pinched as her orgasm built, and he loved every sound she made, especially when it was his name leaving her lips.

"Scotty!" she cried, eyes pressed shut, and she gasped. He could almost taste her pleasure on his tongue, and he lubricated his finger and stroked her clit. "God! Scotty, yes!"

The sounds of sex faded out hours before the sun, they didn't talk much after, because they were completely exhausted, overexerted and fantastically satisfied. Scotty wrapped her up in his arms, she even curled up on him, and they slept tangled up in each other. It was the best damn sleep either one of them had ever gotten, and it was undisturbed.

Until Kat called Scotty to see if he knew where Lilly was, because she wasn't answering her phone or her door. He muted the call and stifled laughter, because Lilly was still slumbering in his arms, and he wanted to shout that from the rooftops, but he cooled it and told her he wasn't sure, but he'd try her cell, too.

He ended the call and dropped his phone on the nightstand, contentedly exhaling, and Lilly stirred on his chest. "Hey, if you're still tired, sleep."

"Who called?" She didn't bother to open her eyes yet.

"Just Kat." He ran his fingers through her silken hair. "She's lookin' for you, but I promise, you can blow her off."

She sniggered and shook her head. "No, I can't."

His heart sank further into the gaping cavern now named Lilly, and he exuded a lengthy, miserable sigh. "Right 'cause you gotta leave tomorrow mornin'."

She swallowed. "Yeah, I have to leave tomorrow." Her chest panged when his hand fell from her hair, and she opened her eyes, rising up on her elbow to survey his face. "You'll be fine, Scotty. In the grand scheme of your life, I've only been in seven years of it. You'll have many more with Nick and Kat and whoever else joins the team, and I know you and your family will be okay. You'll take care of them, and… I know you all will be okay."

He sat up and cupped his hand to her hip. "Lil, it wouldn't matter if I knew you for two minutes or two centuries—you've impacted me and my life, and that's not something I'll ever forget. Nobody can replace who you are to me. Nobody."

She bowed her head and pretended to rub sleep from her eyes when it was truthfully tears, and she forced a soft laugh. "Scotty—"

He lifted her face and lovingly kissed her to silent any comfort she might toss at him. He didn't want to hear how effortlessly she thought he'd replace her, be with a new partner or some woman on his arm, because no fucking way. He hadn't lied just then to make her feel better or feel guilty. He'd never be able to replace her, and he hoped to God he never did. There was only one Lilly Rush, and he wanted it to stay that way.

He bumped his forehead on hers, theirs mouths parting, and he caressed her cheek. "Te quiero, mi querida." He kissed her and pulled himself away from her, because if he didn't do it now, he never would. She'd made her choice, and he'd have to live with it. "Do you wanna grab a shower first?"

She hugged the blanket to her chest. "Yeah."

"I'll make some coffee then." He grabbed his boxers and slipped them on, shuffling out of the room without a look back.

Lilly gathered her clothing and showered, Scotty guzzled half the pot of the coffee and told Kat Lilly would be home soon then shut his phone off so she couldn't hound him for details, and eventually, Lilly joined him in the kitchen. He started to pour her some coffee, but she told him not to bother. She'd called a cab, and they were downstairs, so she'd have coffee later.

"But thanks."

"I could've given you a ride home." He ditched the coffee cup. "It's not outta my way, and I took some lost hours off anyway."

"I know you could've taken me." Her heart pitched itself into a black hole, because it couldn't process the intense anguish rotting her being, and frankly, neither could the rest of her. "I… I thought it'd be easier… if…."

His frown deepened, his eyes shimmering with realization of her unfinished sentence, and he crept around the counter. "Wait, this—this is goodbye? You're just gonna… hang out with Kat, close up the rest, and… and then you're gone?"

She had to bob her head in conformation, because she couldn't speak, and all he did was tearfully stare at her. She dropped her eyes and couldn't meet his face as tears blinded her, and it hit her like a ton of bricks that this could be the last time she was in his apartment. That this was really the end of their partnership… the end of seeing each other every day, of… coffee cart who pays bargainings and cart hot dogs and drinks at Jones and….

She blinked her tears back and inhaled to calm herself the fuck down. She couldn't do this here, and she needed to go home and change. She had several things to square away, and she couldn't give in to this now. Or she'd never come out of it.

"...well, don't let me keep you from your new, great life." He brushed by her to open the front door for her.

She shivered and knew it was probably best to let him be irked than sorrowful, and she'd entrust Kat with helping him see this was for the best. She strode over to him and pressed a kiss to his face, caressing his cheek with her hand. "You'll always be my partner, Scotty. Take care of yourself and your family, and be safe out there." She couldn't say goodbye, so she kissed it to his lips and bolted, leaving him no time to say anything.

That was about six years ago. The lauded and decorated Special Agent Lillian Rush had spoken to her superiors about leaving the Bureau, as she'd received a job offer from an old and dear friend/father figure that felt more right than anything she'd done with the Bureau. After all, it wasn't every day Lieutenant John Stillman visited her and asked her for the third time to take up his position over the Cold Case Unit. He'd been asking since Christmas 2014, and given her circumstances, the answer was clear.

Lilly readily and heartily accepted the extended offer without a second thought this time, John grinned with pride at knowing the team would be well looked after, and while he knew she was aware that Will Jeffries had retired in late 2014, he refreshed her on the details of her team.

"You know most of them." He took a drink of coffee, the brew a touch stronger than he remembered her liking, but life had taken a different course. It'd changed them, and the awareness of being wired on a strong coffee suited her new lifestyle. "Nick's still around, but he's on a stricter schedule now. Marriage will do that to you."

"A happy marriage," Lilly chimed in with a laugh. "I got his wedding invitation, but I couldn't make it. Well, you know what happened."

"Yeah, I remember, and he wasn't upset. It was a short service at city hall, and Megan loved the gift you sent, so it worked out." He chuckled. "And you're absolutely right on being happily married affecting his life and work schedule."

"I know Kat keeps the same schedule with having Wednesdays as a leave early day," Lilly informed him, as she and the sassy, incredible best friend of hers detective kept in touch daily. Kat wouldn't let her miss a call, and a certain third party had a vested interest in those calls.

John confirmed her statement. "Yes, only now she uses it for Curtis and Ellis now."

"Yeah, Veronica's driving now." Lilly crossed her legs, resting her hands in her lap, and she could virtually hear Kat ranting and raving about that damned car. "Kat's not at all happy about it."

Veronica's father and stepmother, Jarrod and Chantel respectively, promised if she kept her grades up and did well on her ACT, they'd give her anything she wanted. She didn't tell Kat about that little deal, but Vee was a good student and a hard worker regardless of bribes. She saw how dedicated her mother was and worked to be the same. So, taking the bribe worked extremely well in her favor, and the Volkswagen Beetle with a customized paint job of neon pink was secured. The color was blinding, but Veronica adored pink. It was her favorite color, and if Lilly looked hard enough in the dead of a pitch-black night, she could still see it parked at Kat and Curtis's home.

The weeks after Chantel let it slip they were buying Vee a car, Kat and Jarrod argued. Vee had her permit and drove herself to her dance classes, but those were the baby steps in Kat's car. This level of responsibility and freedom needed to be discussed among the adults, not dangled over a teenager's head with a stick. Jarrod insisted he had the car thoroughly checked out, and it was a reliable ride. He did work on it himself, and he test drove it. He trusted Veronica, because he knew Kat didn't raise her to be reckless or willfully stupid. That shut Kat up, but she wasn't happy about it. She couldn't take it away, especially when Veronica loved it and took excellent care of it. Vee also used the car to haul her young, half-brother Ellis anywhere he wanted to go when Kat and Curtis were tied up at work, and Vee kept it educational and safe. Though the Taser Kat gifted her for her fifteenth birthday was a frequent travel companion.

"Kat hates the car, I hear it in her voice every time she mentions it, but I think it's just that Veronica's getting older. She'll be off to college soon, and then it's just her, Curtis and Ellis." Lilly and Kat had many nights talking over beers and wine about Veronica and college and the adult world. The talks were depressing, and vodka was nearly called to the table, but they found a sweet dopamine-boosting reward.

"Yes, the car. God, I hear about that damn car every day. It's the top reason I'm retiring," he joked, and Lilly laughed, telling him to continue with discussing her new team. Lilly knew the outs and ins of Kat, as Kat and her family were their frequent visitors on the "dark side", and Lilly was also the godmother of Kat's kids. She'd rather learn about the newbie Kat glossed over when mentioning the team.

"Well, the higher ups caved and brought in some fresh blood when Will retired. Kricket Wells." John paused to give Lilly time to process the name, and she cleared her throat. "She's been a great addition to the team. She keeps the boys in line, and she has some profiling experience. She loves lectures and seminars. Don't ask me why."

"I can't wait to meet her." Lilly's heart increased at the final slot in her team, and he'd said "boys", but Lilly didn't know if that meant… Scotty. She had a strict rule with Kat to never talk about him, only if he was okay. She couldn't handle the details. She didn't want to know if he was dating some busty bimbo, or had gotten married and had a few kids. She didn't want to know if he'd quit or transferred out. She really just couldn't let herself want to know or let herself linger on thoughts of him. All that mattered was if he was okay. Happy and okay, and Kat was steadily able to informed her that he was.

"She's great. You'll like her." John drank from his cup to prolong speaking on the last member of her team, and aside from the potency, it was a damn good cup of joe. "And I already know how you feel about the last one. You were stuck with him for seven years, but you clearly got on well."

Her heart fluttered, and she cleared her throat to try and mask the slip of emotion the vaguest mention of him invited. "Scotty?"

He nodded. "Now, I haven't told any of them I'm retiring, but I'm sure they won't be too surprised. I hope to be done by May, so we have a few months to get you sorted."

"Right." Lilly picked up her coffee cup. "I've been looking at houses the last couple days, and I know the final steps I need to take with the Bureau. It'll be relatively easy to pack up here, and I can use the same movers. It's really just a bunch of signatures and heavy lifting."

John traced her face with his eyes. "You've had two years to consider this, and you did great on the exam. Given your time with the FBI, the interviews are just a formality at this point. You'll do great, and I'll prep you, if you need."

"I'd like that." She had few worries about the interviews, but she didn't want to be cocky and assume she was a shoo-in. "I… I'm grateful you thought of me for this position. I've been wanting…."

"I know, and…frankly, I've had you pegged for my job since I asked you into my office after your detective's exam." He smiled proudly at her. "You'll fit right in, just like you did as the first female homicide detective."

"Thank you." A small smile framed her lips, but her heart ached at knowing he wasn't going to be the one behind the big desk in the glass office. "It'll be strange to be Boss now."

"You'll wear it well." He reached over and patted her hand, and she grasped his hand, squeezing it. "So, once you're in, I'll shadow you for a few weeks, and by the first Thursday in May, it's all you, Boss."

She inhaled through her nose at this new chapter in her life and chuckled. "I don't know where I'd be without you, John."

"Ah-ah, no goodbye speeches." He squeezed her hand and let it go. "Save it for May's First Thursdays, when we're altogether and mellowed out with drinks." He smiled at her. "But you are more than welcome to share this news with whoever you want."

A distinctive crash brought a smile to Lilly's lips at who she'd tell first, John knew that smile well after all these years, and she nodded. "I think I'll do that, and I know exactly who to start with."

He picked up his cup as she rose to investigate the crash's origin, and he polished off his remaining coffee. He headed to the kitchen for a refill of the strong brew, treating himself to one of the cookies from the snack plate they'd made, and he munched on the cookie loaded with pink and white M&Ms instead of chocolate chips. He suspected they were leftovers from the Valentines Day haul, and Lilly forgot actual chocolate chips off the shopping list. The cracked hearts on two of the M&Ms confirmed his theory, and the cookie paired well with the coffee.

John gazed out the large windows overlooking the city, coffee in one hand and two bites of a misshapen cookie in the other. He smirked to himself, because so far so good.

His plan was a two birds, one stone kind of plan, and with luck, this would kick off what would become the best retirement gift and gift in general that he'd ever get and give.