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There were a few things Hayden knew for sure in this world. Rock solid. North star solid.
And one of those things is the one that he had spent over a decade of his life trying to explain to everyone around him: that his best friend, Hockey Jesus, Holy Hollander, was a rage baiting, shit talking, smirky little bastard.
Oh, sure, sure. Shane was respectful, bordering on neurotic, to the press. He watched his language around kids, he put the least amount of money of any of them in the swear jar, he didn’t fight on the ice, he was polite to fans and shook hands with teammates’ new girlfriends and parents with a seriousness that should not be allowed.
But when Hayden was trying to make lunch in the middle of a game of tag going on inside his house around him, with Ilya and Joey chasing Ruby and Jade around the living room on day three of torrential downpour, with Jackie and Amber playing “base” and Arthur hiding in Shane’s hoodie, Hayden wondered if there was something fundamentally wrong with himself that he surrounded himself with people determined to be obnoxious little shits. He had given up on trying to get the kids - and Rozanov, and Joey - to stop running in the house. It was pointless, they just hid anything potentially breakable and tried to keep Amber from being trampled. It had been raining for long enough that he was pretty sure somebody should start building an arc. But he was bringing a pitcher of juice to the table. His first mistake. He made his way around the counter, and a burst of giggles hit him around the shins.
Ruby.
She hadn’t been looking, because Uncle Ilya had been running after her.
And Hayden hadn’t been looking.
Because he was an idiot.
The pitcher went flying.
Ruby froze.
Roz froze.
A spray of red juice arched through the air, spraying Ruby, spraying Rozanov, and cascading down the front of Hayden’s entire person. The pitcher clattered at Hayden’s feet.
Joey, with Jade wrapped around their neck, entered the room, surveying the mess and trying to bite back a grin.
A snicker arose from Shane’s seat at the counter. “Hey, Hayd? Think you dropped something, bud.”
“Fuuuu…dge you, Hollander.”
“Fudge you, too, Pike.” Shane smirked, bracing Arthur on one hip to get up for towels.
Jackie turned the corner. “What…the heck?”
Hayden just pointed at Rozanov. “Ask your bestie. I’m going to change. After lunch, we’re playing outside. I don’t care if it’s raining.”
He tore his shirt off and used the dry side to wipe sticky juice off his face. For some reason, he was hit with the memory of Shane smirking at him in the locker room, back in Montreal, before everything went to shit because they got so tired of lying.
Hockey is a complicated and nuanced game, but it would be helpful if we scored more fucking goals than the other team.
Hayden Pike was going to go to his grave knowing that behind the polite murmurs and wide eyes, Shane Hollander was a little fucking shit. He was just glad that more people seemed to understand now.
&&
School was, finally, mostly, getting easier. Ruby wasn’t afraid, not really. She couldn’t be afraid, not while Jade was afraid. Not now that Arthur was in school, too, and needed someone looking out for her. She wore her favorite bright clothes and Joey did her hair and she held Jade’s hand when her sister needed it. There were lots of other kids from the team at the school, and they were nice, but they were bigger and older and sometimes forgot that they were supposed to be looking out for Ruby and Jade and Arthur. So Ruby looked out for Jade and for Arthur and for herself.
But sometimes, other kids were strange. Sometimes, they asked lots of questions about hockey that Ruby didn’t really know the answers to. She knew that Dad and Joey played hockey. She liked going to the hockey games and watching the puck and the bodies hitting the walls and Uncle Ilya and Uncle Luca were teaching her how to skate faster. She had heard Uncle Ilya tell Uncle Shane that she was going to be a bruiser like Uncle Marley one day, and that made her smile.
But she did her best to answer the questions. Yes, the rink was really awesome. Yes, sometimes the whole team was at her house. Yes, she had a jersey. Jade had one, Arthur had one, Amber had one - all the Centaur kids had one. Even baby Milo.
Sometimes, they said the questions were about hockey, but they weren’t. Sometimes, they were about Mama and Dad and Joey, but Ruby and Jade didn’t understand why that was a big deal. They explained that Joey helped Jade with gymnastics and did the elaborate hairstyles Ruby liked and played music and gave good snuggles. Mama made the best food ever and liked to color with them and was really good at math and let them sleep with her when Dad and Joey were gone. Dad was always the best listener, bought Spongebob bandaids, never got mad, and did the best piggyback rides. Some kids thought it was weird. Ruby thought those kids were weird. But maybe they just needed a Joey. Maybe they were jealous.
They asked lots of questions about Uncle Shane and Uncle Ilya, which was extra weird. They weren’t that interesting. They gave good hugs and told good stories and Uncle Ilya gave them extra snacks when Uncle Shane wasn’t looking. A bigger kid asked her and Jade, once, about Uncle Ilya’s hand. She didn’t understand the word the bigger kid had used, but she knew they meant it mean. So, she had turned her nose up at the kid’s voice and told them to eat dirt. Mama had held her when she went home and asked what a cripple was.
So it didn’t really surprise her when a new kid in their class stopped them abruptly when Jade and Ruby entered the room. He was wearing a Montreal Metros t-shirt and Ruby knew that was a bad idea. People in Ottawa didn’t like Montreal. Dad had explained that he and Uncle Shane used to play there, and they left, and now there was a rivalry. Ottawa always beat Montreal, though, so Ruby didn’t care.
The boy sneered. He was missing teeth. “My mom says your Uncle Ilya” - Ruby really didn’t like the way that he said Uncle Ilya, like it tasted bad - “says bad words and is a bad person and your Uncle Shane” - that wasn’t much better - “is so polite and used to be better and she doesn’t know why they’re even together and they’re ruining hockey. My dad says they shouldn’t be together because they’re gross.”
How could they be ruining hockey? Uncle Ilya won an award last year for coaches and everyone said that Uncle Shane was the best player currently on the ice. And also, how were they gross? Maybe the kissing? There was a lot of kissing, but they were supposed to do that, grown ups who loved each other kissed. Clearly, this boy didn’t understand.
“No,” she explained, patiently, stepping slightly in front of her sister, “They LOVE each other, that’s why they kiss all the time. They’re the best ever at hockey, and my Uncle Ilya isn’t a bad person, he gives really good hugs and has a really nice dog and he’s my mom’s best friend.”
The boy’s sneer got worse, and he tugged on his t-shirt. Not confused, mean. And bigger than Ruby and Jade. But Ruby was faster than him, she was faster than everyone. Uncle Ilya said that’s what made Dad and Uncle Shane so good - they were faster than everyone. Uncle Marley had taught her how to throw a punch, but made her promise she’d never do it if she didn’t have to. She hoped she wouldn’t have to.
“Yeah, but your Uncle Ilya” - there was that horrible, mocking voice again - “just says swears all the time. My mom says your Uncle Shane used to be a nicer man, but that Ilya Rozanov” - he definitely didn’t say that right - “ruined him.”
Ruby felt her sister step closer to her, sliding a hand into Ruby’s before she could clench her fist. Before she could think of a retort, Jade spoke up.
“Um, actually, Daddy says that Uncle Shane’s favorite word is and always has been fuck, and Mama says that’s a swear jar word. And Daddy says that Uncle Shane has always been a little shit. Then Mama made him put a dollar in the swear jar. Daddy says that Uncle Shane is just his real self around people who don’t suck. So maybe your parents only knew Uncle Shane around people who sucked?”
&&
Erin Fulton was a good teacher. Calm, easy-going, patient in the way that you had to be for third graders. Especially when your school also contained the entire roster of grade school aged Ottawa Centaurs’ children. She maintained a rigid privacy policy, brought her wife to the hockey games they sometimes got tickets as “teacher appreciation” gifts, and tried to turn a blind eye to low-level chirping, because even the kids who weren’t the children of hockey players and coaches were probably spending an inordinate amount of time at a hockey rink. This was Ottawa, after all. She had gulped, just a little, and held on to her wife just a little tighter on the day when she had found out Ruby and Jade Pike on her roster.
She had heard from other teachers that even on their own, the Pike twins were an unholy terror on the nerves. Ruby was energetic, outspoken, and over-enthusiastic. A tiny hockey player that would probably become a formidable force as she got older. Jade was clever, quiet, and apparently scathing without meaning to be. Also, an accomplished gymnast for 9. But having twins in one class was not, unfortunately, where the chaos ended.
Three days before school began, Erin sat down for her scheduled parents’ meeting. Jackie Pike had requested it. So she expected Jackie Pike to come in through the door. Though, the Centaurs tended to be deeply invested parents, so she saw more professional hockey players folding themselves into children’s desk chairs than she expected. What she absolutely did not expect was Jackie Pike, Hayden Pike, and Joey Yolen to walk through the classroom door.
Through the grapevine, she had heard a rumor that there was a triad on the Centaurs, but she tried not to give it much thought. Wasn’t her business. You didn’t survive being a third grade teacher without learning to mind your damn business.
But now, she had Jackie Pike, in a floral sundress that she desperately wanted to steal, Hayden Pike, looking like every single suburban dad she’d ever seen in her entire life, and Joey Yolen, her wife’s favorite hockey player, who had clearly recently dyed electric blue streaks through their hair, sitting across from her desk. Apparently, it was, in fact, her damn business. She listened patiently and took careful notes while they explained their household dynamic and gave her the Centaurs’ hockey schedule.
“The front office has this information, as well, obviously,” Jackie explained patiently, “but we figured it would be easier to just explain it to you directly. Sometimes, kids just say things that leave the adults around them scrambling.”
Erin couldn’t help the snort that came out of her. “You have absolutely no idea, Mrs. Pike.”
Jackie smiled, brightly. “Please, Jackie.”
“Jackie, then.”
“We have two primary emergency contacts,” Hayden added.
“But they share the exact same schedule as me and Hayden.”
Erin raised one eyebrow, fingers poised over the keyboard.
“Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov. The front office has their contact information as well.” Hayden finished.
The Pike children’s emergency contacts were Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov? The most famous couple in hockey? Erin really did not know how to deal with that information, and wondered if it showed on her face. Somewhere, in the back of her head, she heard her wife’s explanation of their relationship, and the fact that Shane Hollander’s best friends were an A List movie star and Hayden Pike. She blinked rapidly for a second, and began typing furiously.
“The girls will probably refer to them as Uncle Shane and Uncle Ilya.” Joey shrugged.
Her wife was going to lose her mind.
“Cassie Boodram is the alternate, but you’ll only need her if we’re at an away game.” Hayden explained.
“Really, if anything happens, just start with my phone number and work your way down the list, Mrs. Fulton.” Jackie cut in, gently.
“Please, only Mrs. Fulton to the kids and the board. Erin is more than fine.” She waved off the formality.
Thus prepared, Erin Fulton had begun her school year with too much coffee and the vague sense that some chaos might come up sometime in the future.
The future hit approximately three weeks into the school year, 5 days before the opening day of the NHL season. It was a home game, and her wife was hosting a watch party. A new boy, Vincent, had joined her class the day before, from Montreal. He was big, and loud, and a bit of a bully, and she hadn’t been impressed when she met the boy’s parents, but she was determined to give him a chance. You couldn’t help who your parents were, and a good teacher could make a world of difference. She was determined to be a good teacher to this brash and angry 9 year old.
And on that boy’s second day of school, three weeks into the school year, wearing a Montreal Metros t-shirt (mistake), Erin began to overhear a bit of a kerfluffle breaking out near the door.
Ruby Pike’s voice was pitched high and louder than strictly necessary for this early in the morning. “No, they LOVE each other, that’s why they kiss all the time. They’re the best ever at hockey, and my Uncle Ilya isn’t a bad person, he gives really good hugs and has a really nice dog and he’s my mom’s best friend.” Ah shit.
She couldn’t see Vincent’s face, but she heard the hard tone in his tiny voice when he spoke. “Yeah, but your Uncle Ilya just says swears all the time. My mom says your Uncle Shane used to be a nicer man, but that Ilya Rozanov ruined him.” That was a violently incorrect pronunciation of the name Rozanov, but that was really not the pressing problem.
Erin stood up from the stool she had been perched on while the kids prepared for the day. A small crowd was starting to grow around the Pike twins and Vincent. She needed to intervene, because Ruby Pike was being taught to be an enforcer by Cliff Marlow and according to her wife, that was a dangerous proposition, even in the third grade. As she crossed the room, she saw Jade step forward and slide her hand into her sister’s closing fist.
“Um, actually, Daddy says that Uncle Shane’s favorite word is and always has been fuck, and Mama says that’s a swear jar word. And Daddy says that Uncle Shane has always been a little shit. Then Mama made him put a dollar in the swear jar. Daddy says that Uncle Shane is just his real self around people who don’t suck. So maybe your parents only knew Uncle Shane around people who sucked?” Jade proposed, quietly unaware of her own audacity.
The room erupted. The bell hadn’t even rung yet.
&&
Jackie could not stop laughing. She couldn’t. Please don’t ask her to. In between wheezes, she just shoved the phone at Shane. She knew he’d be able to make it through the email without falling apart.
“Jacks, what the fuck?” Hayden asked, incredulous.
It only made her laugh harder. She was full on wheezing now. She could not breathe. She watched Shane’s eyes scan the email, widening and narrowing, brow furrowing. Then, slowly, he began to read.
“Hi Jackie,
Hope you’re doing well. I wasn’t sure if I should send this to all three of you, because I know the hockey season is gearing up to start, but we had a bit of an issue with the girls at school today…”
Finally, as Shane got to the bottom of the email, explaining what Jade had said to the boy at school, and Jackie was finally breathing moderately normally. Joey handed her a glass of water, which she accepted gratefully, leaning back against them.
“Apparently, the school wants to have a meeting about this?” Shane’s eyebrows were gently raised.
“A meeting? For what? Jade telling boy his parents suck?” Ilya’s eyes had a glint of murder in them. Shane took his hand and squeezed.
Jackie took a deep breath and another sip of water. “Partially because of what the boy said, and partially because our nine year old told her entire class that Shane Hollander’s favorite word is fuck.”
Shane stared at the ceiling. Hayden smirked. She pointed at him.
“What!? It is his favorite word! He says it all the time!”
“Not in front of the kids!” Shane argued.
“Sometimes.” Ilya countered.
“Enough that a nine year old knows it’s your favorite, bud.” Joey’s grin was wicked.
“Fuck.” Shane muttered.
Hayden cackled. Which set Joey off. Which set Jackie off. Then Ilya, and finally Shane. Thank heavens the Hollanders had the kids. It took them several minutes to calm back down.
“I just really love the idea of Jade, in her corduroy overalls, telling some shitty nine year old bully, in the most backhanded way possible, that his parents AND the Metros suck.” Hayden’s smile was lazy.
“She is correct. Very smart girl.” Ilya nodded. “So, we will go to meeting, yes?”
“Strictly speaking,” Jackie spoke tentatively, knowing she’d be shut down immediately, “None of you have to go. You have the season opener in 5 days.”
Four voices overlapped, talking over each other and her.
“No, no. Fuck that.” Shane’s voice cut through. “I’m going. I’m fucking going.”
If Shane was going, Ilya was going. And if Shane and Ilya were going, Jackie couldn’t very well expect Hayden or Joey to stay back.
Which was, in fact, how Jackie Pike, the Ottawa Centaur’s star center, two thirds of their second offensive line, and their assistant coach ended up in an elementary school conference room at 4:30pm, sitting in a neat row, smiling kindly (and vaguely murderously) at the angry looking couple across from them.
And how Jade and Ruby’s new classmate only lasted 3 days at that particular Ottawa grade school.
And how a third grade teacher and her wife ended up with rink side season tickets.