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After a long day of mostly meaningless and easy police work, for which he was grateful after 5 years of.. that, Hopper was finally driving back home. To the home he shared with his awesome, beautiful amazing spectacular gorgeous sexy wife…. And the kids too. Crazy how life could turn around. A few years ago he’d been nothing more than a divorced burnt out police chief grieving his daughter’s death. Well he still is divorced and grieving every day but now he's got a happy life.
He was absolutely thrilled every single day to come home. He couldn’t believe he’d waited so long to marry Joyce. How could he have let that scumbag Lonnie fucking Byers take her away? The moment all that Upside Down, Vecna nonsense ended, he hadn’t wasted any time. He proposed immediately. Not the next day, but soon enough. Only because he needed time to actually buy a ring.
It was summer. The warm comfortable kind of summer, not excruciatingly hot. There was a slight breeze and it just felt perfect. The sun was still shining bright, Walking on Sunshine playing on the radio—fitting, because that was exactly how he felt, like he too was walking on sunshine.
That was until he drove closer to the house and noticed a car parked behind some trees, clearly meant to be hidden. Was he getting robbed?
And when he got even closer he noticed it was Mike's car. Why was he hiding the car? Was that a blanket covering it and leaves? What the hell?
And then he thought about it. He's probably sneaking in. But why? Mike being over wasn’t unusual. But the hidden car? That was weird, suspicious even, something was going on. He was definitely with El, probably making out.
Or god forbid worse. He shuddered at the thought. He knew his daughter was mature. He knew she could make her own choices.
But then he remembered that El had explicitly told him that she and Mike had broken up when they came back from Lenora. Was that a lie? Did they get back together?
But Mike Wheeler?
Absolutely not.
He sped up, the car barely stopping before he was already out of it, almost falling face first into the ground. He slammed the front door open hard enough to crack the walls.
“HEY, HEY!”
He stormed down the hallway and burst into her room.
Jane was lying on her bed, innocently reading comic books. She looked up at him, eyes wide—feigned innocence, if he’d ever seen it, like a criminal knowing they’d been caught. He scanned the room immediately. Closet. Under the bed. Somewhere. He had to be hiding.
“Dad? What’s happening, what are you doing?” she asked.
“You tell me,” Hopper snapped. “What did I say about inviting boys over unannounced? Where is he?”
“What?” Jane frowned. “What? Boys? Dad, I’m confused.”
“Sweetheart, I love you,” Hopper said tightly, “but don’t lie to me, I knew all that friends don’t lie was bullshit.”
“I don’t even know what you’re talking about! There’s nobody here!”
“With all the love in the world,” Hopper growled, “I think—no, I know—you’re full of shit.”
He yanked open the closet, sending clothes and boxes tumbling everywhere. Too many plaid shirts. Jesus he really needed to give her some money to go shopping in the mall and not just raid her brother’s closets.
“You know I allow relationships—”
“Allow relationships?” Jane scoffed. “What—”
“Let. Me. Finish!” he snapped. “You’re seventeen. A minor. A child. My child! You cannot have boys over without ADULT supervision.”
“I didn’t—I’m almost eighteen!”
“Don’t interrupt me. Look, I like Mike—,” no he didn’t, “but not when he’s sneaking around, practically defiling my daughter.”
Jane blinked. “What does defiling even mean?”
“Oh, my sweet sweet child,” Hopper sighed. “You’re grounded.”
“WHAT DID I EVEN DO!?” she shouted, acting extremely confused.
“And those comics,” he continued, “I’m taking them. No TV for a week, only a week. I’m feeling generous today, you’re getting let off easy.”
He reached for the comics, which turned out to be harder than expected because Jane immediately grabbed them with telekinesis.
“Dad, please!”
“Let go!”
“Mike isn’t even here! I haven’t seen him today!”
“I’m throwing these in the trash.” he threatened.
“NO!” she screamed. “They’re Will’s, I’m just borrowing them!”
“Then I’ll give them to Will,” Hopper snapped. “Let go, or this house becomes Alcatraz!”
“Fine!” she said and mumbled something, while she let go. Hopper proceeded to take every single comic book in the room—Jane’s, Will’s, Mike’s, he didn’t care if they were a gift from the damn president—and stormed down the hall to give them to her brother.
He shoved open Will’s door.
“Will, I—”
He froze.
What he saw stopped him cold. He didn’t even have the words to describe what he was seeing. He was going to need to pour bleach into his eye sockets.
“MICHAEL WHEELER GET OFF MY SON!”
Mike shrieked and fell straight off the bed, hitting the floor with a thud. Will shot upright so fast he nearly toppled over too, face flushed, hair a mess, barely clothed…
“We were just—uh—practicing CPR?” Mike blurted, face bright red.
Hopper stared at him. “…naked?” he said flatly.
“It’s hot! It’s not my fault you’re too cheap for AC!” Mike protested.
“And we're not even naked, dad!”
Hopper’s eye twitched. “So let me get this straight,” he growled. “I come home, find you two naked on a bed that I bought, by the way, and now I’m being blamed for the weather.”
The boys looked at each other and then back at Hop. “Yes.”
He stepped out of the room slowly, closing the door behind him like nothing in there had just shattered his sanity. With the comic books still in his hands, he sheepishly walked back to Jane’s room.
She was sprawled on her bed, staring at the ceiling, very clearly furious.
“Sweetheart,” Hopper started, rubbing the back of his neck. “I may have—”
“Overreacted?” Jane cut in flatly. “Yeah. Can I have those back?”
He handed her the comics immediately. “Keep ’em. They’re yours. I’m gonna… have a chat with Will.”
Jane snorted. “Good luck with that.”
“Did you know Mike was here?”
“Yes, sorry for lying, but Will made me promise”
“Never mind, I’m taking them”
“HEY!”
Hopper turned back down the hall, bracing himself, then pushed open Will’s door.
They were back at it. Quite literally ignoring the fact Hopper even stepped back into the room. No respect at all for his authority.
He froze.
“Boys!” Hopper barked.
They broke apart instantly this time, Mike nearly fell again, but Will held onto him.
“I leave for one goddamn second,” Hopper snapped, voice rising, “ONE SECOND—”
“Hop—” Will started.
“No,” Hopper cut him off, pointing at Mike. “I scream at you, I leave the room for a second, and you think that means permission to continue—” he gestured wildly between them and stared right at Mike, “—DEFILING MY SON?”
“I’m sorry-”
“YOU’RE GONNA BE SORRY, GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE!”
He left immediately running while putting back his pants on, grabbed his shirt, jacket and his shoes and made a run for it. All while not even glancing at Will.
“You’re grounded!” he finally told Will.
“This is homophobic!”
“Pardon me?” Hopper snapped. “You know the rules—”
“I didn’t know you’d come back early!”
Hopper threw his hands up. “Then why the fuck did Mike hide his car? He’s here all the time—I would’ve just assumed you two were hanging out!”
Will blinked. “…Mike did what?”
Hopper stared at him.
“I’m sorry,” Will added quickly, “that’s not my fault—he’s just stupid, why should I suffer the consequences?”
“You chose to date an idiot William,” Hopper huffed. “You kids can’t keep a secret. When I was your age and I was sneaking—” He stopped himself, feeling like he’d just overshared. “…Ah. Never mind.”
“Gross,” Will muttered.
Hopper pointed at him. “We are going to have a proper talk. Later.”
Will sighed. “Great.”
Hopper turned toward the door, already exhausted. As he did, he caught sight of movement outside the window. Mike was still there.
Standing behind a bush, didn’t even bother putting his shirt back on. Dear god.
Hopper stared. Was the bastard planning on sneaking back in or something?
Kids these days. This left him with no other choice. He must confront Mike.
“WHEELER!”
Mike jumped. “What the fuck?” he yelled back.
Hopper stormed onto the porch. “Is your life’s mission to terrorize me—and my children?”
Mike shook his head rapidly. “No—I just—I”
“Just what?” Hopper snapped. “What’s next, huh? You gonna sneak into Jonathan’s room? Conquer the whole family tree? Gonna dig up my daughter next? God forbid I get Joyce pregnant—”
“THAT’S NOT REMOTELY WHAT I’M DOING!”
“SHUT UP, MICHAEL.” Hopper cut him off instantly. “I don’t like you. I barely tolerate you in any other context, but this—” He gestured wildly at the house, the yard, the entire goddamn situation. “—this is too much, go kiss a boy for all I care. JUST NOT MY SON!.” he screamed, his throat almost hurting “I mean, what does Jane even think, with you dating her brother—”
“She actually encouraged me—”
“SHUT THE HELL UP. WHAT DID I SAY?” Hopper roared. He sucked in a breath, then pointed at the door. “You know what? Come back inside. We’re all having a talk. Group therapy!”
“Not this again—”
Hopper grabbed Mike by the arm and practically dragged him into the house.
“WILLIAM!” he shouted. “Get in the living room. Now.”
Then he turned to Jane, already shoving a crumpled bill into her hand. “Jane, sweetheart—here's twenty dollars. Go call one of your friends— a girl preferably. Hang out.”
She blinked once. “Sweet!” She grabbed a jacket and got the hell out of there, calling over her shoulder, “Good luck, lovebirds.”
She shut the door with her powers and now there was an awkward silence. Hopper crossed his arms and broke the silence “So.”
Mike slumped into the couch and smirked at Will. “Another one of these talks…”
Hopper’s gaze snapped to him.“Mike,” he said calmly, dangerously calm, “your birthday was a few months ago, you’re how old now?.”
Mike straightened immediately. “Uh, eighteen?”
“That means,” Hopper continued, “I’ll get much less jail time if I shoot you.”
Mike shut up instantly and his body language no longer reeked of confidence.
Hopper nodded. “Good. Glad we understand each other”, he said, “ now you’re both going to explain—what exactly you were doing.”
“We told you, we were practicing CPR, because—”
“We think it’s important knowledge”
“And you’re too cheap for the AC!”
“Careful, Michael.”
“So,” Mike continued quickly, “we happened to take off most of our clothes.”
“Most,” Will added. “Not all.”
Hopper stared at them, unimpressed. “I don’t think that’s how CPR works, boys.”
“Well, Hop, since you’re such a pro, you can teach us!” said Will and Mike enthusiastically nodded along.
“Yes, sir, because we clearly don’t know at all what we are doing.” he said “and it would be an honor, to learn from such a distinguished and qualified professional, with what I imagine is years of experience—”
“Michael shut the hell up with this kiss ass attitude.”
“We were not planning to take any more clothes off,” Mike said immediately. “I swear on my dad’s life.”
Hopper exhaled slowly through his nose. “Swear on your mom.”
Mike froze,” I’d uh, rather not.”
“Fantastic,” he muttered. “I ask for honesty and get— whatever this is.” He looked between them. “You’re both lucky I believe exactly half of that.”
“This seems homophobic, Hop” Mike stated.
“Homophobic? But I thought you two were just being good souls and practicing how to save people’s lives with CPR.”
Will gave Mike a glaring look, practically screaming with good job idiot.
“Look I get it, you’re young, you have needs— but can you not create a situation where I walk in?” he asked and added on an important question,”are you even being safe?”
“Oh my god.”
“Dad—”
“And don’t be stupid,” Hopper added. “What if someone else caught you, like your dad for example, he ain't the most open minded fella”
“That’s why we’re doing it here,” Mike said.
“Mike, can you not say it like that—we weren’t doing it,” Will winced.
“Hop literally saw us!” Mike shot back. “And, well,” Mike admitted, rubbing the back of his neck, “my dad did see. He actually wasn’t that mad—just pissed we interrupted his TV time because we were on the couch . He yelled at us for attempting to ruin his sofa”
“And then he fed us lasagna."
Hopper’s jaw tightened. “What?”
“We were embarrassed! He clearly knew what we were going to do, so we went here instead”
“When was this?” he asked.
“Like… two hours ago?”
Hopper leaned back, exhausted. “Jesus Christ, boys…”
“Getting caught by both families?” Hopper scoffed. “This is a disgrace. You kids really don’t know the art of sneaking around at all.” He paused. “When’d you even—get into this relationship?”
“…Like two days ago,” Will admitted.
Hopper stared at him.
“I—” he rubbed his face. “I’m not even mad that you’re dating Mike anymore.” He sighed heavily. “I’m disappointed you don’t know how to keep a goddamn secret, William.”
Will blinked. “What?”
“You’re… grounded. I guess, Mike, did Ted ground you?”
“Nope.” he beamed.
“Well, I’ll call him and tell him to.”
“WHAT?”
Hopper didn’t even hesitate.
He reached for the phone on the wall and started dialing. “Hop—” Mike said nervously. “You don’t have to—”
“Oh, I absolutely do,” Hopper muttered. “We’re coordinating consequences.”
Will groaned and slid down the couch. “This is the worst day of my life.”
The line clicked.
“Wheeler residence,” Ted’s voice droned. “If this is about that PTA meeting, Karen’s going, not me.”
“Ted,” Hopper said flatly. “Jim Hopper.”
There was a pause.
“…Oh.”
“Yes, oh,” Hopper continued. “I just caught your son making out with my son. In my house. After apparently already getting caught in your house.”
Another pause.
“Well,” Ted said slowly, “damn. Are you arresting him, is being gay a crime again?”
“No?”
“Alright, well if there’s nothing else….”
Hopper pinched the bridge of his nose. “Ted! Focus. Did you ground him?”
“No,” Ted replied. “Didn’t see the point. Told him to keep it out of the living room and not during TV hours.”
Hopper stared at the wall like it had personally betrayed him.
“You didn’t ground him,” he repeated.
“Nope.”
“Not even a day?”
“Well,” Ted said, thinking, “I did say ‘knock it off boys.’ That felt sufficient.”
Hopper closed his eyes.
“Okay,” he said through his teeth. “So let’s hypothetically say we were grounding them. As parents. Together. What are we thinking?”
Ted hummed. “Hmm. A week, he did interrupt my TV time.”
Mike shot upright. “A WEEK?”
Will covered his face.
Ted continued, “No TV. No calls, no coming over. No— whatever it is kids do now.”
Hopper nodded. “Good. That matches my instincts.”
“Also,” Ted added, “ask them if they liked Karen’s lasagna, she apparently tried a new recipe, keeps nagging at me about it and—.”
Hopper sighed and hung up.
The silence in the room was deadly.
“Well?” Will asked cautiously.
Hopper turned to them, arms crossed. “Congratulations. You’re grounded for a week.”
Mike gaped. “But you weren’t even mad five minutes ago!”
“That was before I learned Ted Wheeler handled this like a suggestion,” Hopper snapped.
Will groaned. “This is unfair.”
Hopper raised an eyebrow. “You got caught twice in one day. That’s a skill issue. And the living room? While Ted was at home?”
“We were.. Caught up in the moment.”
“You’re both disappointments.”
Mike shut up immediately.
Hopper sighed, suddenly very tired. “Now. Next time, don’t be this fucking obvious. I mean. Hiding your hide behind trees like I don’t know you hang out with will? You're idiots.”
They frowned at that.
“Look, I'm not going to.. Police your relationships with open doors because— you’re not children anymore and I feel like that wouldn’t even stop you. I refuse to be traumatized again.”
Mike shrugged. Will nodded.
Then Hopper realized he’d forgotten something. He grimaced.
“And— uh. Your mother would kill me if I didn’t lecture you about this.”
He scratched the back of his neck, suddenly very interested in the floor, he should probably find a broom, seemed kinda dirty. He wished it would swallow him whole, dust and all.
“You know. Safety.”
“WE KNOW ABOUT SAFETY—”
“YES, HOPPER, WE DO.”
Hopper held up a hand, flustered. “Okay, okay— just— please. Be safe. With everything that’s in the news, there’s… some truth to it.”He cleared his throat. “You gotta use condoms. I know it sounds stupid, because nobody’s worried about pregnancy, but—”
He gestured vaguely, moving his hands in awkward directions. “Health,” he finally said.
Will and Mike were both tomato-red, matching mortified looks on their faces.
“Are we clear now, boys?” Hopper said. “Safety first.”
They nodded far too quickly, because neither of them wanted to have a conversation about safe gay sex with Hopper of all people.
“Now, Mike?”
“Yes, sir?”
“Get out of my house. Please. And go home—and put your clothes on properly first. Your shirt’s on backwards.”
Mike stood up, his face still burning, and hurried to the bathroom to fix his clothes. When he came back out, he didn’t say a word.
Hopper walked him all the way to his car, arms crossed, watching closely to make sure Mike wasn’t planning on sneaking back in.
“Never park here again. Look at the mess you’ve made.”
“Yeah, yeah. My mom’s already gonna be on my ass about getting my car dirty.”
“Fuck your car. Look at my lawn.”
When Hopper came back inside, he went to talk to Will.
“Caught twice in one day,” Hopper snorted. “Unbelievable.”
“Sorry…? So you’re not mad about Mike—”
“I’m not mad at you,” Hopper cut in. “Maybe at your shitty dating choices, but I’m a lot more pissed off at him.”
Will stared at the floor for a second, rubbing the back of his neck. “He’s not that bad.”
“He ruined my lawn.”
“That’s— that’s—”
For a moment Hopper just looked at him, his expression softening a little and he gave Will an awkward yet comforting hug. “You can see him soon alright?”
“Yeah,” he said leaning into the hug, “okay.”
The week passed quickly. Too quickly for Hopper’s liking.
They were practically glued to one another, always at each other’s side. It was disgusting seeing Wheeler so happy.
But he was happy for Will. Proud he got something he wanted for once in his life.
He caught them laughing together at the kitchen table one afternoon, their heads bent close over some stupid badly drawn drawing Mike had made. Will looked lighter than Hopper had seen him in a long time.
He smiled to himself. Maybe Wheeler wasn’t the worst kid in the world.