Chapter Text
The rain felt good.
Cold, slick and it reminded him of the farmhouse.
It was an old place, one they'd discovered when they were children. A section of the sewers that opened to above with a half-broken grate. They'd dragged a rusted old pipe here years ago so they could sit and just listen.
No one ever looked down.
Mikey sat there now, rocking back and forth, letting the icy late winter rain soak him through.
It wasn't smart, he knew that. They were meso…miso…what had Dinnie called it? Not warm blooded but not cold-blooded. Cold rain was a great way to get sick.
Mikey couldn't find the gumption to care.
A year today. A year since Papa died. And they were doing okay.
More than okay actually. Leo made a really good sensei and in the months since…then, their skills had improved.
Raph and Leo still had their spats but they were more…thunderstorn and less hurricane. Mona being around brought out the best in him.
He was aewwibg, making blankets, and he’d become their resident mechanic and fix-it turtle! Donnie finally got a break when he didn't have to do everything!
Karai was keeping the Foot Clan in check, mostly. Occasional rebellion here and there but Leo and her worked well together. And whenever info or old teachers came from Japan, Karai would introduce them. Leo would learn from them and he’d started experimenting with his own moves.
His fighting style was his own now, not just a mirror of Splinter’s.
And Dee?
He was enrolled in online classes. He’d blown right through high school and was tackling college chemistry classes. Said he was going through a “double major” in chemistry and genetics. Plus still pursuing regular engineering.
But he came out of his lab more than he used to. It was nice, now that he didn't feel pressured to make miracles on the regular.
He and April were friends. Just that. Friends. Just like her and Casey were just friends. And it seemed like they were finally all okay with it.
His brothers were gonna be twenty this year! The majority year! Papa used to talk about it. How he had special kimonos—hakama and haori—just for them. How they would receive special gifts. How they would identify what they would seek in adulthood as they got their first taste of his special sake.
His brothers were ready.
He wasn't.
The more he thought about how unready he was, the more his stomach would twist. He felt like he was years behind his brothers. Granted, it had always felt like there was a gap but now? That gap felt like a canyon.
What did he have? Loads of unfinished art and writing projects because his stupid brain ran around like a squirrel on crack? Projects he loved and valued and found so much pleasure in yet couldn't finish or even start most days?
Cooking? Sure, he loved it but who was going to hire a mutant cook? Nobody. And lately, his family didn't et together as much as they used to.
Renet? She was in and out of his life so much that he didn't know what to expect. He loved when she did show up but it would always last so short.
The other mutanimals? Much like his brothers, they were growing, maturing, branching out as best they could. He knew Slash had started talking about going with Mona’s species for additional training.
They had their own paths.
Head down, Mikey rubbed at his eyes. Easier to cry in the rain. Made him feel like less of a wimp, less of a failure, less of a disappointment because he could blame the rain.
He didn't know how long he sat there. His sense of time was notoriously terrible anyway. He just knew sitting in the pain, missing Papa and relishing all the change that was destined to leave him in the dust hurt so much but he couldn't muster the gumption to leave.
The water started to pool around his ankles and a faint chill took over not long after. Still, he sat, memorizing the patterns of yhr ripples.
Until sudden the constant barrage of water on his skin stopped and something heavy and warm wrapped around his shoulders.
“Mikey. Are you trying to catch pneumonia because you're doing an excellent job of it.”
Shifting his eyes lightly, Mikey managed a half smile at the tall shadow of his immediate older brother. “Hey, Dee.”
“Hey yourself, you nut.” Raph’s green eyes were all but flashing as he and Leo brought up the rear, slowly slipping into the opening. “What in shell are you doing?”
A shrug. “Sittin’.”
Something halfway between a chuckle and a sigh escaped Leo’s chest and he approached, kneeling to his knees in the water. His hands clasped Mikey’s cheeks. A thumb rubbed under one eye.
“You’ve been crying,” Leo said simply. A statement, not a question. “What’s wrong?”
“Thinking.”
Raph and Donnie remarked, “Congratulations,” almost by habit.
Mikey’s head dropped.
Leo set his other brothers with a glare that would have made Splinter proud. “Not helping.”
Donatello adjusted the umbrella in his hands, leaning over a bit. “Sorry. Old habits die hard. Thinking about what, Mikey?”
“And is there a reason you couldn't think back home?” Raph folded his arms. “You know, where it’s dry? And warm?”
Mikey looked down but Leo had a good grip on his chin so he couldn't look away entirely. “Thinking ‘bout a lot of things, bro. Papa.”
Leo closed his eyes briefly. “I know. And it’s okay to be sad today, little brother.”
“We all miss him.” Raph remarked, his tough stance evaporated. “Nothing wrong with that.”
“But,” Donatello felt inclined to add. “You making yourself sick won't bring him back.”
“It’s not just that!” Mikey stood, pulled away just a bit. “It's… everything.”
Straightening up, Donnie advised. “You’ll need to be a bit more specific, Mikey.”
Specific? It was everything! “Everything! It feels like the world is moving on and leaving me behind! You're all doing this super-awesome stuff and I can't keep up! We’re gonna be twenty this year, Dudes! Adults! But I don’t feel like one!”
Tears blurred his vision. “I dunno where I’m going! You all do! Leo’s the Sensei, Donnie’s the scientist, Raph’s the mechanic and I dunno what I am!”
He choked then, and it felt like everything was buzzing and hot and spinning. He thrust his fists against his temples, “I’ve never been able to keep up with you but Papa kept us anchored! And now he’s gone. I'm trying, trying, trying and I can't do anything like you do and it's too much!”
Burning, buzzing, a feeling of crawling out of his skin. All his thoughts suddenly were heavy and hot and he just wanted to disappear.
“—ikey, shh. Breathe with me.”
Leo. And he wasn't just standing by himself. His cheek was smooshed against his brother’s plastron and…
“Here.”
Something cool, smooth, rubbing into his skin. That coconut oil they bought for when their skin cracked or dried out. Leave it to Donnie to carry it with him.
“Calm in, anxiety out, little brother.” Raph rubbed a circle on his shell.
The touch was solid. The motion rhythmic. He wasn't drifting and lost and cast to the wind.
The scent of coconut. The rough callous of Raph’s palms against his shell. The solid rising and falling of Leo’s chest.
The blanket around his shoulders suddenly tightened and the pressure…the weight…
He wasn't drifting anywhere.
“C’mon,” Leo’s voice. “Let’s go home and talk.”
OOO
A hot bath, belly full of soup and bread and one steaming cup of tea later, Mikey was huddled inside his favorite blanket at the bottom of the living room.
His brothers were scattered next to him, significantly more relaxed. Though Donnie kept mentioning the need to “monitor your lungs the next few days and make sure nothing had the chance to take root.”
Mikey took refuge in the heavy blankry, in the closeness of his brothers, the familiarity of the scene. If he closed his eyes, he could almost pretend Papa would come down the hall any moment.
“Alright, squirt,” Raph broke the quiet. “Can we try and translate that mess in the tunnel?”
“Was talkin’ English, bro.” Resting his chin on his folded arms, Mikey looked up at his siblings as Leo gently rubbed his head. “It made sense to me.”
“Dimension X made sense to you.”
Sighing, Mikey lowered his eyes.
Setting his brothers with a look, Leo offered, “Why don't we try again now that you’re calm?”
“Not having a neurodivergent meltdown at the same time will automatically help.” Donnie smiled “Do you feel better?”
Mikey considered but nodded. “Doesn’t feel like my skin is crawling anymore. And no more bees in my brain.”
“Good.” Leo softened his tone. “Let’s try this again, okay?”
A nod.
“So,” Leo kept rubbing his brother’s head. “You feel like you're being left behind?”
Another nod. “It feels like you’re all changing and growing and stuff and I’m staying the same. It’s scary!”
“Well,” Raph rested his arm on a propped up knee, “You’ve always lagged behind us, little brother.”
“Not like this! We turn twenty this year, Dude. Twenty!”
Mikey pointed at each of us brothers in turn, “You feel twenty. You feel twenty. You definitely feel twenty.”
Tucking his head into his shell just lightly, Mikey whimpered. “So, why do I still feel like a little kid?”
Donnie considered. “Well, your ADHD probably has something to do with that. Most people with neurodivergence do tend to be delayed in development by a few years.”
“You're not, Dee.”
Leo snorted.
Donnie glared.
“Mikey,” Leo remarked. “It took Donnie until this year to let go of a crush that never was going to go anywhere. He has his own struggles, they just look different than ours.”
Raph added, “And so what if you don't act like we do? That’s boring. Plus one Leo is more than enough.”
“But I wanna act older. Feel older.” sitting up, Mikey rubbed his head. “All you guys are doing such cool things—grown up things—and I’m not!”
Leo offered, “Well, what do you want to do?”
A sigh so heavy it seemed tonsuck the air from the room. “That’s just it, bro! I dunno! I like cooking but that’s never gonna go anywhere. I like painting and writing but I can't ever finish it—”
“That would be the ADHD and we can treat that.” Donnie interrupted.
Mikey blinked. “We can?”
Raph parroted, “We can?”
A nod. “Of course. Will take some trial and error but there’s lots of options--”
“Why didn't you tell me that, Dee?!” Mikey looked almost angry. “I’ve been fighting with my brain all my life and you can fix it?!”
“Not fix,” Donnie corrected, finger raised. “Your brain is different, not broken. We can treat it.”
“And we haven't done it before now because...?” Leo asked, mild irritation in his voice.
“Why do you think I got interested in genetics and chemistry?” Donnie laughed. “It’s a task figuring out our genetic code because of the mutagen but I have an idea now. So, we can try.”
Leo eyed his youngest brother, “See? We can work on that.”
“But…that still doesn't tell me what I wanna do.”
“And we aren't locked in our roles either, Mikey.” Raph poked his brother in the forehead. “Sure, I like bikes, mechanics, and anything that goes fast but don't mean I can't like something else next week.”
Donnie nodded. “And I might love my chemistry and genetics but I like engineering too! I might try another science path or even something else entirely.”
“Heck,” Raph thrust his thumb at Leo, “Stick-in-the-mud here might decide one day to give up martial arts and become a telemarketer.”
Leo’s eye twitched. “Raph…”
“It's technically possible,” Donnie amended. “Just not probable.”
Taking that answer as acceptable, Leo addressed his youngest brother, “The point is nothing is written in stone. We’re going to continue to find out what we like, and so will you.”
Biting his lip, Mikey said, “Just feels like I’m so behind the rest of you and I’m gonna get left in the dirt.”
Donnie reached out, gently lifted his brother by the chin. “Well, no chance of that. In case you didn't notice Mikey, none of us are doing anything by ourselves.”
Mikey caught his inhale, “Huh?”
“Sure.” Raph elbowed Donnie, “Beanpole here taught me the beginning basics for mechanics. Casey hooked me up with resources to learn the rest.”
“I learn from every master Karai introduces me too. I learned from Master Splinter. But I also learn from you,” Leo gently thumbed his brother’s snout, “All of you when we train. And you especially Mikey have helped me learn how to listen—something even Captain Ryan fails at!”
“He's not real,” Donnie muttered under his breath before adding, “If you all didn't handle patrol like you do or cooking like you do, Mikey, there's no way I’d be able to do my classes.”
Leo smiled, “So, see we aren't going ahead alone, little brother, we’re going together.”
Warmth. Reassurance. Love. Perhaps all three flooded Mikey’s body. His limbs loosened and that sense of urgency that had been pricking at his brain quieted.
Throwing his arms around Leo, who was the closest, Mikey buried his face into his sibling’s shoulder. “Love you, Leo.”
A warm chuckle then a pair of arms returned the embrace. Followed by a second set and then a third.
“Right back at you, little brother.”