Work Text:
"Hey Centaurs fans! As you all know by now, I'm Harris Drover, and today we're playing 'How Well Do You Know Your Captain,' where players will be asked questions about Centaurs Captain Ilya Rozanov to see how well they really know him." Harris grinned at the camera. "First up, we have Assistant Captain Zane Boodram. How are you feeling, Bood?"
"I'm confident," Bood said, leaning back in his chair. "Me and Roz are tight."
"Alright, first question: What is Roz's favorite beverage?"
"Vodka, obviously," Bood said without hesitation.
Harris shook his head. "That is incorrect. Zero points for the A."
"What? No way!" Bood protested.
"Next up, we have Evan Dykstra." Harris turned to him. "Dykstra, who is Ilya's favorite singer?"
"Uh..." Dykstra's face scrunched up in thought. "Maybe Rihanna? 'Cause he played 'Diamonds' at his wedding, right?"
"That is also incorrect," Harris said, barely suppressing a laugh. "This is going great so far, guys."
"Wait, what's the answer?" Dykstra asked.
"We'll reveal all the correct answers at the end," Harris said with a smirk.
"Haasy, you're up," Harris said, gesturing to a nervous looking Luca Haas.
"I am bad at these things," Luca said, fidgeting with his hands. "Perhaps a question about the Captain's stats?"
"Bo-ring," Harris said with a grin. "What is Ilya's breakfast order at McDonald's?"
"Oh, I am not a McDonald's person." Luca's nose wrinkled slightly. "Maybe hotcakes of some kind?"
"Hmmm...not really, but I'll give you partial credit for being kind of close," Harris said.
"Hey, no fair!" Bood called from off-camera. "Vodka should be partial credit too!"
"Vodka isn't even in the same category as the right answer," Harris shot back.
"What is the right answer?" Luca asked.
"You'll find out at the end, Haasy," Harris said. "Next up—"
"Wait, how many points do I have?" Luca interrupted.
"Half a point. You're currently in first place."
"This is very embarrassing for everyone else," Luca said with a small smile.
"Hazy, are you ready to show them how it's done using those goalie powers of perception?" Harris asked.
"I'll see what I can do!" Wyatt said with a confident smile.
"Alright, who is Ilya's favorite racer in Mario Kart?"
Wyatt's face dropped immediately. He let out a long breath.
"He's so inconsistent," Wyatt said, shaking his head. "He never sticks with the same racer for more than a few games. I'm not even sure he has a favorite."
"Oh, he does," Harris said with a knowing grin.
"Well..." Wyatt thought hard. "Last time we played at the Children's Hospital, he was Yoshi. So maybe Yoshi?"
"No dice, Hazy. That is also incorrect," Harris said, clearly enjoying this.
"The man is an enigma," Wyatt grumbled, crossing his arms.
"To be fair, this is harder than tracking a puck," Harris said with a laugh.
"Are you sure Roz isn't just giving you the wrong answers to mess with us?" Bood said.
"That's what I'm thinking too," Dykstra chimed in. "This feels like a setup."
Harris laughed. "I promise you, these are all real answers straight from Ilya. He had no idea what I was using them for.You guys just don't know your captain as well as you think you do."
"Still seems a little suspicious," Bood said skeptically.
Harris shook his head, still grinning. "Okay, next victim—I mean, contestant... the hottest of all the Centaurs—"
"Boooo!" the other men chorused from off-camera.
"—Troy Barrett," Harris finished, turning to face him.
"You're so unbiased," Troy said, his cheeks flushing pink.
"I call it like I see it," Harris said with a shrug. "Okay, Troy, here's your question—"
"Wait, is he getting an easier question?" Wyatt called out.
"Yeah, no softball questions for your boyfriend," Bood added.
"My boyfriend gets the same difficulty level as everyone else," Harris said, holding up his hands. "I promise this is completely fair."
"We'll be the judge of that," Dykstra said.
"Okay, Troy." Harris looked down at his card. "Who did Ilya say is the worst team in the MLH?"
"Oh, it's gotta be Buffalo, right?" Troy said confidently. "They've got the worst record in the league."
"Unfortunately, that is also incorrect, sweetheart," Harris said with an apologetic smile.
"What?" Troy's jaw dropped. "How is that wrong?"
"Because it's not about stats," Wyatt said from off-camera. "It's about Roz's personal opinion."
"Exactly," Harris said, pointing at Wyatt. "Alright, I think we need to bring in an Ilya Rozanov expert. Hey, Shaaane!" He called toward the doorway. "Can you come help these guys out?"
There was the sound of footsteps, and then Shane Hollander appeared on camera, looking amused.
"What's going on?" Shane asked, crossing his arms.
"Apparently none of us know your husband at all," Bood said.
"Really? Ilya's kind of an open book," Shane said with a shrug.
"You two hid a relationship for nearly a decade," Troy said, giving him an unimpressed look.
"Okay, fair point," Shane conceded.
"We've asked several questions and none of the guys have given a correct answer yet," Harris explained. "So let's see how you do."
"Alright, I'll play," Shane said, moving to stand next to Harris.
"First question: What is Ilya's favorite beverage?"
"Ugh, Coke," Shane said immediately, shaking his head. "And he drinks way too much of it. I keep telling him his teeth are going to fall out."
"Correct!" Harris announced.
"Wait, what?" Zane sat up straighter. "Coke? Not vodka?"
"I mean, he loves vodka too, but it's definitely Coke," Shane said. "The man has a serious Coke problem."
"One question and Shane's already beating all of us," Wyatt muttered.
"Next question. Who is Ilya's favorite singer?"
"He loves Bad Bunny," Shane said easily. "You guys know I'm not a big music guy, but even I know some of the songs now. He plays it constantly."
"Another correct answer!" Harris said, grinning.
"Bad Bunny?" Dykstra repeated, looking stunned. "I said Rihanna!"
"That was Harris's choice for the wedding," Shane said. "We had nothing to do with it."
Harris grimaced. "Yeah, not my finest moment."
"It was fine," Shane said diplomatically. "But Ilya's been on a Bad Bunny kick for awhile now."
"How are you getting these right?" Bood asked, throwing his hands up in frustration.
"Because I live with him?" Shane said, as if it were obvious. "I mean, I hear Bad Bunny every morning when we're getting ready for practice."
"We practice with him every day and none of us knew that," Luca said quietly.
"This is embarrassing," Wyatt muttered.
"Okay, okay," Harris said, clearly enjoying this. "Let's see if Shane can go three for three. What is Ilya's breakfast order at McDonald's?"
Shane looked physically nauseous. "A bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle. And he usually eats at least two of them. It's disgusting."
"Correct again!" Harris said, laughing at Shane's expression.
"That is the one with the pancake bread, yes?" Luca asked, sitting up straighter. "This is why I got half a point!"
"Yeah, you were in the ballpark with the hotcakes thing," Harris confirmed.
"My man has the right idea," Dykstra said, nodding approvingly. "I love me some McGriddles."
"We are professional athletes!" Shane said, gesturing in exasperation. "You should not be eating that garbage for breakfast."
"Fast metabolism," Dykstra said with a shrug.
"That's what Ilya says too," Shane grumbled.
"I offered him one of my homemade protein breakfast bars once," Luca said. "He said it looked like sad."
"That sounds like Roz," Troy said with a grin.
"Okay, Shane is currently three for three," Harris announced. "Next question—"
"There's no way he's getting this one," Wyatt said confidently. "I still don't think Roz even has a favorite."
"Shane, who is Ilya's favorite racer in Mario Kart?"
"That's an easy one. Princess Peach," Shane said without hesitation.
There was a moment of stunned silence.
"What?" Wyatt's jaw dropped. "No. No way."
"Princess Peach is correct!" Harris confirmed, barely holding back laughter.
"I was just playing with him two weeks ago!" Wyatt protested. "He was using Yoshi!"
"Yeah, I mean he uses other racers too," Shane said. "But if you ask him who his favorite is, it's Peach. Always has been."
"Princess Peach," Bood repeated slowly, like he couldn't believe it. "Our captain's favorite is Princess Peach."
"She's got good stats," Shane said with a shrug.
"How do you even know this?" Dykstra asked.
"You guys know he's my husband, right?" Shane said, raising an eyebrow. "Could you answer these questions about your significant others?"
There was an awkward silence.
"I mean...probably?" Bood said uncertainly.
"Probably?" Shane repeated. "You don't know Cassie's favorite McDonald's breakfast?"
"I know she likes their hash browns," Bood offered weakly.
"Oh my god," Harris said, shaking his head.
"I know Troy's favorite everything," Harris added, looking at the camera. "For the record."
"You're also obsessed with him, so that doesn't count," Wyatt pointed out.
"Okay, Shane, final question. Let's see if you can go five for five. Who did Ilya say is the worst team in the league?"
Shane's face immediately lit up with a grin. "Oh, that's easy."
"It's got to be Buffalo," Troy said again.
"It's Montreal," Shane said.
"Ohhh," the men said quietly, realization setting in.
The mood in the room shifted slightly. Everyone knew why Montreal was the worst team in Ilya's eyes.
"We are talking about Montreal?" Ilya's voice came from the doorway before he appeared on camera. "They are terrible, yes. Worst team in league."
"They're not actually the worst team statistically," Shane said.
"I do not care about statistics," Ilya said. "They were homophobic and awful to you. And now they can barely win game without you, so karma is real."
There was a beat of silence.
"Your husband just went five for five on questions about you," Harris told Ilya. "No one else got a single answer right."
"Of course," Ilya said, walking over to drop a kiss on Shane's head. "You are best husband. You pay attention."
"But the rest of you? I am offended," Ilya said, gesturing at the camera with mock hurt. "We are team."
"In our defense, you've never told us your McDonald's order," Bood said.
"You never ask!" Ilya said, throwing his hands up. "You have seen me eating McGriddle before Game Changers camp many times."
"I thought that was just...I don't know, a summer thing," Wyatt said weakly.
"Is always thing," Ilya said, shaking his head. "Shane hates it."
"It's disgusting," Shane confirmed.
"You know what is disgusting? Your little smoothies," Ilya shot back, making a face.
Shane opened his mouth to defend his smoothies, but Harris cut in.
"Okay, well, Shane wins with a perfect score," Harris announced to the camera. "The rest of you should be ashamed."
"I got half a point," Luca pointed out stubbornly.
"Okay, that's true. Congratulations on your half point, Haasy," Harris said with a grin. "Excellent work."
"This has been 'How Well Do You Know Your Captain,'" Harris said, turning back to the camera. "And apparently the answer is: not well at all. Thanks for watching, Centaurs fans!"