Chapter Text
Shane didn’t run, his pace was quicker than usual but anyone watching him enter the corridor of the hospital would never suspect he’s in a hurry. A staff member at the front desk said something but he couldn’t hear them as his focus continued to the elevator. Shane wasn’t lost, he didn’t look panicked, he walked with the confidence of someone who belonged in the hospital. This is the only reason, he suspects, he isn’t stopped by anyone.
His phone is gripped tight in his hand. The only thing still sticking with him was the man’s voice on the other end of the line.
Accident.
Ilya.
Hospital.
He found the waiting room by instinct more than direction. He unfortunately knew the Ottawa hospital by heart. All the accidents from hockey, Shane and Ilya were no strangers to the emergency room at least once a season for a player or themselves. They were both just there not even 10 weeks earlier, a different floor, a different reason.
As he entered the waiting room, his eyes scanned over the chairs trying to find something to ground him. And then he saw her, his mom. Yuna Hollander, dressed as though it wasn’t almost midnight. He hadn’t expected her to be there, when he spoke with his dad he didn’t mention she would be at the hospital.
“Where is he?” She didn’t answer him quick enough. The pressure in his chest dropped. “Mom, where is he?”
“Shane, he’s still in surgery,” She said it carefully trying not to use words that would stress him out even more. “A nurse told me the doctor will be out with an update soon.”
Still.
He nodded like the word still was acceptable, like still wouldn’t be the only thing taking over his mind. Still was better than the other option. Still meant Ilya was here. He was still here.
Yuna grabbed his hands, attempting to quiet them from the fists he had tensely held them in since entering the waiting room. He turned away from her before she could notice his face properly, his jaw clenched so tight it would probably hurt tomorrow. Yuna tried to get him to sit in the chair next to where she previously had been sitting and that’s when he noticed the number of people in the room. All of them waiting, for the same reason more or less. But none of these people cared about him in this moment, none of these people were who he wanted, none of these people were Ilya.
She attempted once more before Shane shook her away and he began to pace. He looked like he might wear a hole in the floor with all walking back and forth.
A doctor finds them eventually. He introduces himself, Dr. Keller. He's older, calm and he seemed like he had a lot of experience. But it also seemed like he had a lot of practice delivering bad news to people without letting it sound bad.
“Why don’t we step over here?” He directs Shane and Yuna out of the room, away from the audience. “He was brought in with a head injury, a minor brain bleed and extensive abdominal internal bleeding. He’s very lucky nothing was broken, we have the bleed under control, he’s stable. It was touch and go when he first got here, we were told he coded twice in the ambulance.”
Twice. Two times this conversation could have been going differently.
Shane could feel his vision getting blurry, could he even recognize the doctors’ face anymore? Was he still talking? The word echoed in his ears.
Twice.
“He’s still in surgery?” Shane questions why the doctor is out here when Ilya is still there.
“Yes, we’re just finishing up now. We’re doing everything we can for your husband.”
But that wasn't good enough for Shane. “And what about after?”
The doctor hesitated, almost unnoticed but Shane had noticed. “The next few hours after surgery are important, he’ll be in the ICU. The doctors will keep a close eye on him.”
But it wasn’t enough. Shane needed all the information, he needed to know all the little details. Why was he still in surgery? Why was the doctor here and not in with Ilya? What were they fixing? Would he be awake after? But none of those questions were as important as the one he decided on instead.
“Will he live?”
The doctor paused again. “We’re optimistic. He’s not out of the woods yet, but there isn’t anything saying no at this time.”
Optimistic. A ridiculous word in the moment. They were standing just outside the operating room his husband was in and that was optimistic? Shane from 12 hours ago could be described as optimistic, this Shane now, was empty.
He couldn’t clear his mind. Every thought he’s ever had about Ilya comes rushing to his mind. Ilya at the cottage. Ilya on their wedding day. All the smiles on the ice and laughs in their home. All the small days and big days in between. And then for the first time since the doctor came out to speak to them, Yuna spoke.
“And how will he be neurologically?” Of course his mom was asking logical questions.
“We’re concerned about the swelling on his brain. It might be necessary to keep him in a medically induced coma to reduce pressure.”
Shane’s expression didn’t change, “And when would you bring him out of it?”
The doctor answered like it was simple. “That will depend on how he responds.” That isn't straightforward, coma's aren't easy. Shane knew there would be a battle.
His mom and doctor kept speaking and Shane could barely listen. He knew what those words meant. He didn’t know. Which meant there was a possibility of a different outcome. But Shane had to cut that thought off before he let it sit and fully form.
“He’s in peak physical condition,” he said instead. “That improves his prognosis.” It wasn’t a question, it was a fact Shane could put on paper in front of the doctor.
Dr. Keller inclined his head slightly, “It can.”
“Good.”
A moment of silence passed between the three of them. “Alright,” he said gently. “I’ll be back to update you once he’s being transferred to the ICU.”
Shane watched him walk back through the double doors, leaving him and Yuna in the quiet hum of the room once again. All he could focus on was the machines beeping in the distance.
He couldn’t move and couldn’t speak. Yuna tried to direct him back to the chairs but his focus was tuned in on the machines, the noise, everything occupying his brain. Behind him the low murmur of voices picked up again, like all these people had disappeared when the doctor was speaking.
Minutes passed, then more and suddenly time stretched into something untraceable for Shane. He wasn't sure just how long he'd been there, wasn’t sure the hour anymore, but it was now the middle of the night and Shane was wired.
He wasn’t even sure when his mom dragged him back to the chair but that’s where he found himself when his breathing went uneven. At first it was subtle and then it went all wrong. A panic rose out of the little composure he had left.
He pressed his tongue to the roof of his mouth, squeezed his hands so tight his nails might leave marks on his palms. He needed to ground himself, he couldn’t do this here, there were too many people around. For the first time since he’d arrived at the hospital something else pushed through. It wasn’t panic, it was worse.
An uninvited image of Ilya, not waking up. Shane being directed to a hospital room with no beeping machines. Absolute silence. The conversations he would have to have, the people he would have to tell, explanations for the rest of his life of Ilya. Public statements about the kind of man Ilya was. Going back to a life that was no longer theirs.
Shane shut his eyes briefly, trying to ignore all the terrible thoughts. He couldn’t think like this. There was no alternative. There was no world where Shane and Ilya weren’t Shane and Ilya.
Shane wouldn’t accept it.
Shane didn’t notice how much time had passed.
Minutes blurred into something shapeless, marked by the people moving in and out of the room. The OR doors kept opening and closing. Shane waiting for Dr. Keller to come out and tell him it’s all a joke.
‘Ilya isn’t actually here, he’s at home waiting for you. You’re being pranked. It’s just an elaborate awful joke your husband wanted to pull off.’
He didn’t move more than necessary. At some point, his mom handed him a bottle of water. He took it on reflex and then put it on the floor next to him only to forget its existence entirely.
“Shane.” His focus shifted, he could feel his mom’s hand in his, her thumb brushing circles over the same spot, over and over.
“You love him,” she said. This wasn't a question, it had never been since the day his parents found out about the two of them. Yuna squeezed his hand.
“And he loves you,” she added, no hesitation.
“I know.” But knowing wasn’t enough, it wasn’t helping. It kept bringing him to his thoughts of a life without Ilya. He could feel Yuna shift beside him.
“You’re thinking too far ahead.”
“I’m thinking realistically.”
“You’re thinking like someone who hasn’t been with him for years.” That made Shane look away from the doors and right at his mom. For the first time since they sat down his focus had shifted.
“He’s strong and annoyingly stubborn. But most of all he loves you.” A breath of fondness passed through her as she continued. “He argued with me for 10 minutes last week how to properly cut a pepper into the correct sized pieces, apparently they were too big and a choking hazard.”
Despite everything that had happened in the hours since he arrived at the hospital it pulled a faint puff of air out of his lungs.
“He’s not going anywhere,” Yuna said firmly.
“You don’t know that.”
“No,” she admitted. “But I know him.” A pause. “And I know you.”
Shane looked back at the doors, still waiting. “I was supposed to go,” he said quietly.
Yuna didn’t hesitate, “No.”
“I was supposed to go after the game, but I forgot, I was going to go back out but he told me to rest. He was just going to the store.”
“Shane, this isn’t your fault.”
“It is,” he said sharper than before. “If I had just,”
“What?” she cut him off. “You were gonna stop a driver on the road from crashing into you instead?”
Silence.
“You don’t get to do that,” Yuna said firmly and softly. “You don’t get to take something that isn’t yours.”
He didn’t answer, he didn’t have anything to say. A part of him would refuse to let his mistake go that easily.
“They are going to bring him out and he’s going to be looking for you,” she said. “And you need to be steady when that happens. You don’t have to be perfect, just be there. He’s going to need you just as much as you need him.”
He could manage that. Across the room the OR doors opened.
Both Shane and Yuna turned their attention to Dr. Keller approaching them and Shane shut out everything else again.