Work Text:
[Inside the Ottawa Centaurs’ locker room, Harris Drover attaches a microphone to Shane Hollander’s shirt as Ilya Rozanov sits next to him at a table. The two prepare to share the contents of their backpacks, which sit on the table in front of them]
Shane: I thought when people did these interviews, they got to like, pick what’s in their bag beforehand. It’s not usually a spontaneous thing, is it?
Ilya: How would you know this?
Shane: I watched one that Rose did.
Ilya: Oh, of course you watched Rose doing one of these videos. Did she have a framed photo of you in her bag so she could gush about how much you love each other?
Shane: Do I seriously need to remind you that I chose to marry you, and that we live and work together, and Rose is just my friend I see like twice a year?
Ilya: Yes.
[Harris steps back, and nods his approval at their microphones.]
Shane: Are you sure you want to do this with us, Harris?
Harris: I can’t help that the people love you. Besides, I’ve convinced myself this will be fun.
Shane: That’s not very comforting.
Harris: Neither is the look on Ilya’s face that’s telling me I will definitely come to regret this, but that’s the job! Okay. Here's goes nothing.
_____
Shane: Hi, everyone, I’m Shane Hollander.
Ilya: And I’m Shane’s husband, Ilya Rozanov.
Shane: And we’re here to share with you what’s in our bags.
Ilya: Ooo! Ahhh! Wow! So fun!
_____
Item 1- Shane
Noise-Cancelling Headphones
Shane: I never leave home without these. We fly a lot, and they’re a lifesaver when you need to drown out the noise.
Harris: [off camera] What do you listen to when you wear them?
Shane: I used to watch movies on flights, but I’ve been learning Russian for the past few years, so I mostly listen to lessons or sometimes I’ll watch some shows in Russian just to practice and grow my vocabulary.
Ilya: Shane is a very dedicated student. He takes his Russian very seriously.
[Ilya gives the camera an exaggerated wink while Shane rolls his eyes.]
Shane: Good grief.
Ilya: I have been teaching him tongue placement to roll his r’s properly. [Ilya flutters his tongue inside his mouth, suggestively.] He does an exquisite job.
Shane: Ilya.
Ilya: And you should see how perfectly his lips form for the stressed ‘o’ sound. He practices all the time. [Ilya’s lips open to form a perfect circle shape.]
Shane: For fuck’s sake.
Ilya: In fact, I would say he is close to being an expert with his Russian.
[Shane’s eyes close and he blows out a breath through his nose, before he opens his eyes and plasters on a smile.]
Shane: These headphones are also really great at blocking out Russian if you need it.
Ilya: He does not actually know. He has never once done this.
Shane: There’s a first time for everything.
Item 1- Ilya
iPad
Ilya: Unlike Shane, I don’t feel the need to better myself, so I mostly just watch movies on my iPad when we travel.
Harris: What kind of movies do you watch?
Ilya: Ones with fast cars and things that go [Ilya makes a boom sound and imitates an explosion with his hands.]
Shane: He also has the iPad with him at all times, so he can check in our dog at the kennel she stays at while we’re out of town.
Ilya: It is a hotel.
Shane: He checks on her constantly.
Ilya: I will not let you shame me for caring about our child, Shane.
Shane: She’s a dog, Ilya.
Ilya: Oh, really? Is that why I catch you checking on her camera at the dog hotel on your phone all the time? Because she’s just a dog?
Shane: No comment.
Item 2- Shane
Ilya Supply Kit
Harris: Is that a makeup bag?
Ilya: Yes, Shane has to be the prettiest at all times.
Shane: Fuck you, it’s not a makeup bag, and you know it. [Shane unzips the not-makeup bag and places the contents on the table one by one. Inside, there’s hand cream, lip balm, two small bottles of cologne, and pain relievers.]
Ilya: Like I said, Shane has to be the prettiest.
Shane: Most of these things are for you.
Ilya: You cannot prove this.
Shane: [Shane’s voice drops lower and sounds vaguely Russian as he speaks.] Shane, this airplane air makes my lips dry.
Ilya: I suppose I could have said that once.
Shane: Shane, my hands are cracked because you like the shower water too hot.
Ilya: It is true, you try to burn me every single day.
Shane: Shane, I smell gross. Why can't I just smell like my cologne all the time?
Ilya: Well, you would think with all the technology they have, this would be possible.
Shane: Shane, my neck is killing me. I need ibuprofen.
Ilya: I get knocked around a lot during games, it’s not my fault.
Shane: Oh, really? You getting hit so much during games isn’t your fault at all?
Ilya: No, I am an angel on ice. They are just jealous of my plump and moisturized lips saying insults, my soft hands punching them, and my fresh scent as I skate past them to the goal.
Shane: Right, yeah, I’m sure that’s it.
Ilya: Makes perfect sense to me.
Item 2- Ilya
McDonald’s Gift Card
Ilya: Hey, I have been looking for this!
Shane: Who gave you a McDonald’s gift card?
Ilya: Your mom.
Shane: I can’t tell if you’re doing one of those ‘your mom’ jokes or if she actually gave you a gift card?
Ilya: Not a joke. She gives them to me all the time.
Shane: What? Why?
Ilya: Because I am her favorite.
Ilya: I wonder how much is left on here.
Shane: You’ll have to call the number later when–
[Shane isn’t able to finish his sentence before Ilya pulls his phone out and dials the number on the back of the card to check his balance. Shane looks at him incredulously, but Ilya continues unfazed, typing a long string of numbers into his phone. A robotic voice announces a remaining balance of four dollars and ninety-one cents.]
Shane: Seriously? You couldn’t have waited to do that?
Ilya: I have enough left to buy a coke. It’s important information.
Shane: Thank god. I was really worried about your ability to buy a coke.
Ilya: Can we stop there on the way home?
Shane: No.
Ilya: I’ll just get a coke. I won’t gross you out with any food.
Shane: How thoughtful of you.
Ilya: I have enough to buy you a tea.
Shane: Fine.
Item 3- Shane
Glasses
Shane: My eyesight isn’t bad enough to need help all the time, but when I’m reading or need to see something up close, I have to use these.
[Shane opens the glasses case and pulls out a simple pair of frames. Ilya looks on, his eyebrows drawn down as his mouth sets in a thin line. As Shane moves to put the glasses on his face, Ilya snatches them out of Shane’s hands and places them inside his own bag.]
Shane: What the hell?
Ilya: You do not need these.
Shane: Not right now, but it’s not like I couldn’t put them on for a second.
Ilya: If you do not need them, you should not wear them.
Shane: They’re just glasses, Ilya.
Ilya: They are not.
Shane: Why are you being weird?
Ilya: You know why.
Shane: I really don’t?
[Muffled thumping can be heard as Ilya covers his microphone with his hand. He leans toward Shane, covering his mouth with his other hand as he whispers something in Shane’s ear. Shane’s eyes grow wide, and a deep blush spreads across his freckled cheeks.]
Shane: Sorry, I don’t wear glasses. I don’t know what I was thinking.
[Ilya sits back in his chair, arms crossed over his chest with a smug smile on his face.]
Ilya: Next item, Harris.
Item 3- Ilya
A bag of cookies
Ilya: This is currently my most prized possession. A bag of homemade cookies given to me by Shane’s mother.
Shane: Okay, seriously, how much stuff does my mom give you?
Ilya: Tons. I am her favorite. She tells you this. I don’t know why you do not understand.
Shane: But she didn’t give me anything.
Ilya: Yes, she did. There is a protein bar in the front pocket of your bag.
[Shane digs around and pulls out the wrapped bar. His face softens, and he smiles.]
Shane: Aw. Thanks, Mom.
Ilya: He doubts her so much and wonders why I am her favorite.
Shane: But wait, why did you get a whole bag of cookies, and I only got one protein bar? What if I want cookies?
Ilya: Read the note she left you. Same pocket.
[Shane digs into his bag again, pulls out a small piece of paper, and begins to read.]
Shane: ‘Shane, here’s a protein bar for you for when you get hungry after practice. I know you’ll be annoyed about me giving Ilya an entire bag of cookies, so he’s promised to share with you. He’s told me they’re very good and you’ll regret it if you don’t have one. Remember to wear your new Reeboks on the plane when you head to New York. Love you, and I’m so proud of you both, Mom.’
Ilya: She knows you so well.
Shane: Are you actually going to share?
[Ilya wiggles his eyebrows, as a mischievous grin takes over his entire face.]
Ilya: Yes, I will share these cookies with you.
Shane: Jesus, Ilya. Hey Harris, if you ever cared for me at all, can you end this now, please?
Harris: I mean, of course, I care! And I probably can’t use half of this, but I think I kinda want to see how it plays out.
Shane: Great. Thanks.
Ilya: I am also Harris’ favorite.
Harris: Some days I’m sure that’s close to true!
Item 4- Shane
Hockey: A Global Sport book
Shane: I really like to read, so I try to have a book with me at all times. This is one that I’m currently reading called ‘Hockey: A Global Sport’ by Andrew C. Holman and Stephen Hardy. It’s this really interesting history that traces hockey back to folk games and challenges that hockey is solely Canadian. I’m really enjoying all the history in it, especially when it comes to the creation and rise of the NHL and the KHL, and the social, cultural, and economic impacts that hockey has had on communities and entire countries. I’m most fascinated by the growth of the sport into an international-
[Ilya folds his arms in front of him, creating a pillow before he lowers his head down onto them and makes a loud snoring sound, cutting Shane off and earning a glare from his husband. Shane lightly slaps Ilya’s arm, causing Ilya to pretend to startle back awake.]
Ilya: Oh, I’m sorry. Were you done?
Shane: Asshole.
[Ilya’s face turns fond. He reaches up and strokes his thumb across Shane’s cheek, and Shane’s annoyance seems to melt almost instantly.]
Ilya: You know I’m kidding. I love hearing you ramble about things you’re interested in.
Shane: Really?
Ilya: Of course I do. I love you. I’m interested in what interests you.
Shane: So, you’d read the book with me so we can talk about it?
Ilya: Uh. Well. Let’s not make any rash decisions here.
Item 4- Ilya
Lighter
[Ilya digs in the front pocket of his backpack and pulls out a small object. He stares at it fondly before he cradles it to his chest.]
Ilya: Oh! My baby.
Shane: What the fuck? Is that a lighter?
Ilya: Yes.
Shane: Is that a lighter with my fucking face on it?
Ilya: Yes.
Shane: I…have so many questions.
Ilya: You usually do.
Shane: Where did you even get that? That’s the least flattering photo of me you could have picked.
Ilya: I special ordered it.
Shane: Why?
Ilya: It’s supposed to help me not want to smoke.
[Ilya holds the lighter in front of his face, raising the pitch of his voice to an absurd level in an imitation of Shane.]
Ilya: Ilya, don’t you know smoking is bad for you? Ilya, did you know smoking causes cancer? Ilya, you shouldn’t do that! Ilya, you’re an idiot!
Shane: That doesn’t sound like me at all.
Ilya: That was an exact impression. No one has ever sounded more like you.
Shane: Well, did it actually work? Did you smoke less?
Ilya: No. For a long time, it made me smoke more because I missed you, and I just wanted to see your cute little face as much as possible.
Shane: Lovely.
Ilya: But now I live with your face, and you just nag me in person and give me that look and poof. No more smoking.
Shane: I’m going to choose not engage with that, and say you should give yourself a little more credit for quitting.
Ilya: Thank you, sweetheart.
Shane: You’re welcome. Now, you can get rid of that thing?
Ilya: Not a chance.
Item 5 - Shane
Five Hour Energy
[Shane places a small bottle on the table with a dramatic thunk. He looks at Ilya slyly before he slides in over to rest in front of Ilya.]
Ilya: Why do you have this? You do not drink these. You say it’s poison.
Shane: I do say that, and I think it’s true. But you swear it helps you before games, and Wyatt told me the one time you forgot to get one, you were an actual asshole to everyone, so I’ve been getting them for you and putting them at your stall before games. And I always keep an extra in my bag just in case.
Ilya: Wait, you are the one doing this?
Shane: Who else would it be?
Ilya: I thought it was Haas.
Shane: What? Why?
Ilya: Because he was looking at me drinking one, and I winked at him, and he got all blushy, and then one has magically appeared ever since.
Shane: So, you assumed that your teammate was getting them for you and not your husband?
Ilya: Yes, he thinks I am a god, practically. I thought it was like an offering or something. You know that saying, happy captain, happy everyone else.
Shane: That’s definitely not a saying.
Ilya: You really do this for me?
Shane: Yes.
[Ilya leans over and kisses Shane’s cheek.]
Ilya: That is very sweet.
Shane: Anything for you.
Ilya: Maybe next game I get one for you, and you can try it, too.
Shane: No.
Ilya: What if I drink it, and then we make out and annoy the whole team? Especially Luca.
[Shane looks at Ilya, his eyes searching Ilya’s face before landing on his mouth. He unconsciously licks his lips, and then shrugs.]
Shane: Maybe.
Item 5- Ilya
Condoms and lube packets
[Ilya reaches into a side pocket of his backpack, his hand emerging with more than a dozen square and rectangular packets. He lays them on the table with a grin as Shane slowly shakes his head next to Ilya.]
Harris: Um. Do you always carry that much lube and condoms in your backpack?
Ilya: Yes. It’s all for Shane. I am a caring husband; I don’t see the problem.
Harris: Shane, do you want to chime in here at all?
[Shane bites at his lip, as if he’s considering something.]
Shane: I mean, it would be kind of hypocritical if I did.
[Shane reaches into his own bag and pulls out a travel-size bottle of lube and several condom packets.]
Shane: I like to be prepared.
Harris: Well, I’m proud that we’re this far in before you made me regret all my decisions, and that’s real growth. I’m actually proud of you both.
Shane: Thanks, Harris.
Ilya: Thank you, Harris. [He opens the bag of cookies made by Shane’s mother and holds one out.] You may have a cookie.
Item 6- Shane
Power bank
Shane: My husband’s phone is pretty much constantly at twenty percent or less, so I just picked up the habit of carrying a power bank with me.
Ilya: I’m not that bad about it.
Shane: Oh, really? What’s your phone at now?
[Ilya picks up his phone and presses the screen, his face falling slightly when it lights up and he sees the percentage. Shane holds out his hand with a smug expression, and Ilya hands his phone to Shane. He rolls his eyes as Shane makes a show of plugging it into the power bank.]
Item 6- Ilya
Chompy
Ilya: [holding up a plush alligator] Oh, shit. What is that doing in here?
Shane: That would explain the missed calls I have from Hayden.
Ilya: Who?
Shane: Shut up. I bet one of the twins snuck it in there. My best friend Hayden Pike–
Ilya: Who?
Shane: –we visited him in Montreal yesterday, and his twin daughters are trying to get their brother to stop carrying this stuffed animal, Chompy, around everywhere. They must have snuck it in your bag to make him disappear.
Ilya: I should have let them burn him in the fire pit like they wanted to.
Shane: What? Why?
Ilya: Chompy is the reason we got outed. He is the reason we ended up in that video kissing.
Shane: How is this Chompy’s fault? He was just left in the car.
Ilya: Conveniently.
Shane: And you volunteered to go find him and asked me to go with you and then proceeded to kiss the daylights out of me, which then ended up in Hayden’s video.
Ilya: Again, I don’t see how this isn’t Chompy’s fault.
Shane: Chompy isn’t real.
Ilya: He looks pretty real to me!
Shane: He’s Arthur’s toy.
Ilya: That never seems to be where he is supposed to be.
Shane: So, you’re blaming Arthur?
Ilya: Of course not, Arthur is perfect. It’s Chompy’s fault, Shane.
Shane: You’re being insane.
Ilya: I just think Chompy should take more responsibility than he does. That’s all I’m saying.
Shane: At least you’re not blaming Hayden, I guess.
Ilya: Who?
Bonus Item- Shane
Ladybug
Shane: Alright, well, that was certainly something.
Ilya: We are not done.
Shane: What?
Ilya: There is one more item in your bag. In the tiny pocket that’s inside the main pocket of your backpack.
[Shane looks confused as he opens up his backpack's main compartment and begins to feel around.]
Shane: What are you–Oh. I didn’t even know that was there.
[He unzips the small pocket inside his backpack and pulls out a small object: a wooden ladybug that looks very old and worn, with paint chipped off in several places.]
Shane: What is this? You put this in here?
Ilya: I did.
Shane: Why? What is it?
[Ilya reaches over and gently takes the wooden figure from Shane’s hands, running his fingers over the wood reverently.]
Ilya: In Russia, when a ladybug lands on you, you tell it to fly up to the sky and bring back some bread. They are supposed to be signs of good luck, and my mother loved them, so she bought this for me to carry. She told me I would be safe as long as I had it with me.
Shane: And you put it in my bag?
Ilya: Yes.
Shane: When?
Ilya: Years ago. I hoped it would keep you safe. Bring you good luck.
Shane: You put a ladybug in my bag that your mother gave you to help keep me safe and bring me good luck.
Ilya: Yes.
[Shane takes in a stuttering breath, his eyes beginning to water as Ilya’s face breaks into a knowing smile.]
Shane: I love you so much
Ilya: I love you, too.
Shane: Harris, I’m really sorry, but we’re about to make out on a video again.
[Shane takes Ilya’s face into his hands and begins to kiss him passionately as a long-suffering sigh can be heard off camera.]
Harris: I knew it would end like this, and I still did it. I have no one to blame but myself.
_____
Ilya Rozanov and Shane Hollander Share Way Too Much About What’s in Their Bags
1M views, 23 hours ago
Ottawa Centaurs - 567k Subscribers
***
@hockeypuckz You know, I used to not really understand these two being together, but now I get it.
@realshanehollander Sorry again, Harris. For what it’s worth, you’re really good at your job. My mom is making you your own bag of cookies.
@ottawacentaurs Our boys going viral. Just another Tuesday in Ottawa.
@wyatthayes Roz and Hollander having more supplies than a sex ed class. Why am I not surprised?
@hockeywhore NOT THE LADYBUG.
@abbyt It’s so beautiful how they take care of each other in their own, super specific and weird ways ❤️
@tthomas87 This is the most beautiful dysfunction I’ve ever seen.
@troybarretthockey Wait, I want to see Shane’s glasses. Why can’t we see Shane’s glasses?
@ilyarozanov81 You will see them when I am dead, Barrett.
@zambonidriver They’re like SOULMATE soulmates 🥹
@lucahaas I swear I was not LOOKING at your husband, Shane!
@realshanehollander @lucahaas It’s fine, Luca. If I let myself be bothered by everyone who LOOKED at my husband, I would have been in jail by the time I was your age.
@centaursfan8124 Okay, but inquiring minds want to know, did Chompy make it back to Hayden Pike’s house?
@ilyarozanov81 @centaursfan8124 Who’s house?
@b00dramzane Chat, I don’t think they made it to McDonald’s after this.
@ilyarozanov81 😏😏😏🍆🥤