Archive of Our Own

Jeremy @jeremysaysstuff

Hold up, people are rating NHL players in bed? That’s so fucking funny. I dated a girl who slept with Shane Hollander and she said he was a fucking disaster. He could barely get hard 😂

kj ²⁴ @kyliebluejeans 

Are you rating him…on someone else’s behalf?

Jeremy @jeremysaysstuff

Technically I didn’t rate the guy. But from what I heard, he was probably a 2/10. Maybe even a 1. She said the dude was clueless and would take like thirty minutes to get it up lmaoooo

kj ²⁴ @kyliebluejeans 

Yes, that’s because he’s gay. You do know he’s gay, right? Do I have to explain what homosexuality is to a grown man?

Jeremy @jeremysaysstuff

Obviously I know he’s gay. But I’m straight and I feel like I’d be better at sucking dick than he must be at eating pussy

kj ²⁴ @kyliebluejeans 

This is a sentence I never thought I’d read and I really wish I could go back in time and un-read it

bebe “is smart and right” @moony4hollanov 

Gee what a normal and heterosexual thing to say, Jeremy!

Maya @mayaohmy

Alriiight, I didn’t post initially because I wasn’t sure if this trend was a boys only deal? But I slept with Shane Hollander in 2011 after meeting him at a club in MTL. I also have a @HaydenPikeHockey pic to prove it lol. Shane was sweet and he really tried!! But 4/10 tbh sorryyyy

miley 🏒 @haydenpiked3 

Hayden is so baby faced here 😭 my heart!!

syd @sydneeysmith 

Here’s a picture of my 55 year old married straight dad with Pike. Apparently that means he slept with Shane Hollander, good for him!!

for the gays @rozanovslapdog 

If I slept with someone and they said I “really tried”, I’d walk into the ocean holy shit

charlie @shaneholeander 

MOM COME PICK ME UP, I’M SCARED, THEY’RE RATING THE MAN I PRETEND TO BE MARRIED TO IN MY HEAD AGAIN

greyson ₊˚｡ ❆ @m0therpuck3r17 

Pour one out for Yuna Hollander logging on today and seeing people are still rating her son’s performance in bed! 😄

Jill @gingeralencoke 

Knowing her, he’ll be in a Gucci ad about how their bags are “eleven out of ten” by the end of the week

soph @freckleshanes 

I know I accidentally started this bizarre trend by trying to challenge the infantilization of Shane Hollander…but listen. He’s the greatest hockey player ever. I literally do not care that you had mediocre sex with him back when people were still unironically listening to Katy Perry

Matty @mattyurmom

Hollander’s bagged some hoooot women for a “gay guy”. That’s all I’m saying

lynn 🐝 lesbian rights @barrettsbiceps 

Are you saying that Shane Hollander’s straight here, now, on Brandon Wiebe’s internet?

Matty @mattyurmom

I’m saying I find it hard to believe he pulled ROSE LANDRY with a flaccid dick

lynn 🐝 lesbian rights @barrettsbiceps 

And I find it hard to believe that you have enough brain cells to type full sentences. Sometimes reality is astounding huh? 

Mary 🧸 @smollbeanshaney

I am FURIOUS at these ungrateful women!!! 😡 I would love to have sex with Shaney even if he couldn’t get it up. I’d be so patient, content to just stare at his pretty face. I’d wrap him in my grandmother’s quilt and rate that sweetie pie a 10/10 even if neither of us came and we just cuddled and watched a pixar movie 🥺

bebe “is smart and right” @moony4hollanov 

There’s a log out button on this website and I pray to god you use it

Jordan @twinkadjacent 

Why is “gay man isn’t interested in women sexually” even a conversation we’re having, what is happening? I think maybe the internet was a mistake 

The Unholy Trinity

Hayden: Please don’t hate me Shane

Shane: What?

Shane: For what?

Hayden: Promise you won’t hate me first

Shane: You’re freaking me out, what? 

J.J.: I think I know what, just send it Hayd. Rip the damn band-aid off

Hayden: I don’t like ripping band-aids off! I put warm water on them and take them off slowly

Shane: Will someone tell me what’s going on?

Hayden: @mayaohmy: Alriiight, I didn’t

Shane: Are you kidding me? Have you taken a picture with everyone I’ve slept with?

J.J.: If he has, that just means you only fuck puck bunnies

Hayden: THANK YOU! This isn’t my fault!! I hang out with you a lot and I’m photogenic, that’s not a crime

J.J.: Your outfit in this picture is a crime

Hayden: It was 2011! It was a different time! Men were allowed to wear fedoras then

J.J.: Not like that they weren’t

Hayden: This is the night I met Jackie. She told me the hat looked stupid

J.J.: She’s a smart woman

Hayden: You can see baby Jackie in the background wearing the green dress she was when we met! She looks so beautiful

Shane: Hayd now is so not the time to hit on your wife behind her back

J.J.: Agreed. This is fucked. Why are they posting this knowing you’re gay?

Shane: Beats me

Hayden: Alright but for a gay guy, I feel like 4/10 is an impressive score

Shane: Please shut up

Hayden: I’m just saying, I don’t agree with that Jeremy asshole. If I sucked dick I’d probably be a 1/10. Maybe a 2/10 if I gave it my best effort 

J.J.: I think I’d be a 3/10

Hayden: I could see that

Shane: What? What are you talking about? Who’s Jeremy?

Hayden: Oh shit you haven’t seen?

J.J.: No, don’t send that one, it’s too mean

Shane: Please send it or I’ll have to search my name and I really, really don’t want to do that

Hayden: @jeremysaysstuff: Hold up, people are

Shane: Ugh

Shane: How is this still happening?

Hayden: I know, it’s unbelievable that a picture of you covered in hickeys didn’t stop the internet from being annoying!

Shane: 🙄

Hayden: I’m surprised Rozanov hasn’t set the internet on fire yet

Shane: I don’t think he’s seen it. He’s at the farmers market with my parents

Hayden: Of course he is

J.J.: See, your head game was good enough to domesticate a slut. Everyone needs to leave you alone!!

Hayden: Totally. Like I know that “Shane dragged him to Ottawa kicking and screaming” article was bullshit buuuut we do have to respect the skills required to bring Ilya Rozanov from the club to the farmers market

J.J.: I bet that blowjob guy who didn’t rate Shane would give him a 10 if he had

Hayden: Maybe a 9? If it was a 10 I feel like he’d just say that

J.J.: Good point

Hayden: Which means 9s from both the other men you’ve slept with!! Come on, that’s great 

Hayden: And I bet you’re a 10 to Rozanov

J.J.: From what I saw on their wedding day, he is

Hayden: Oh right, the blowjob in a bush!

Hayden: From what I’ve seen, I would also give him a 10

J.J.: Wait what have you seen?

Hayden: Too much. Most recently, I walked in on Shane sucking his dick when I was staying at the cottage. I try to forget the faces Rozanov was making, but I guess it’s a compliment to our boy

Shane: You both need to get laid. You’re way too invested in my sex life.

Hayden: Hey!! I’ll have you know, I got laid last night

Shane: Maybe you need more than 15 seconds in missionary then

Hayden: SHANE HOLLANDER

J.J.: I just audibly gasped

Hayden: Is this heterophobia? I think this is legally considered heterophobia

J.J.: I think it’s Haydenphobia 

Hayden: It’s also Jackiephobia. Yeah that’s right, when you make fun of my sex life you’re making fun of Jackie’s too so HA

Shane: I mean not really. I know that she prefers doggy style but you’re always begging for missionary

J.J.: WHAAAT IS HAPPENING

J.J.: IT IS 7 IN THE MORNING 😭

Hayden: How did you know that?

J.J.: Wait, that’s true? Who the hell begs for missionary?

Hayden: I like looking into her eyes! I will not apologize for that!!! 

Hayden: Seriously, how the fuck did you know that? Do you have access to my home security cameras?

Hayden: WAIT are you psychic?

J.J.: That would explain how he’s so good at hockey 

Shane: Jackie told Ilya.

Hayden: She told ILYA? As in ROZANOV?

Shane: No no, don’t worry. She told the other Ilya I’m seeing. The pool boy I only came onto because he has the same name as my husband 

Hayden: Shane, cut the sarcasm, I just fell to my knees in my living room

Hayden: Ruby thinks I’m dying. You did this to her

Shane: Oh please

Hayden: Why wouLD SHE TELL HIM THAT? WHEN? HoW? WHY WHY WHY? 

Shane: Wine nights

Shane: I’m sure she knows a lot about our sex life too

Hayden: SHE DOES?

Hayden: SHE HASN’T TOLD ME ANYTHING

Hayden: I feel so betrayed…

Shane: I need to go do damage control. Try not to die, will you?

Hayden: I absolutely cannot promise that 

Shane: Can you please make sure Ilya doesn’t go on social media?

Yuna: Why?

Shane: Please mom

Shane: If you could not look either, I would appreciate it.

Yuna: Is this about that trend rating you? I already saw it.

Shane: Oh God

Yuna: I thought your responses were very sweet! Your father wants you to know that when Ilya buys too many tomatoes from the farmers market, he can bring them over any time

Shane: Or you could just tell him to buy less tomatoes

Yuna: Nonsense! How can I say no to this face?

Yuna: [image attached, tap to download]

Shane: Is he holding 3 watermelons?

Yuna: Yes

Shane: What are we possibly going to do with 3 watermelons?

Yuna: He said he wants to make you watermelon salad. Isn’t that nice?

Shane: That’s way too many watermelons

Yuna: So you’ll freeze some

Shane: Or he could buy one? Or none, they’re not even in season

Shane: Whatever. Just please don’t go online. Both of you.

Yuna: Okay sweetie 

Yuna: By the way, remember that your next Monbray shoot is on Friday

Shane: Yes, I know. It’s in my calendar

Yuna: Okay…

Yuna: I’m saying this with my business brain, not my mom brain: they’ll expect you to show up without any marks

Shane: Oh my God

Yuna: I’m sorry, this isn’t fun for me either, but we don’t want to add to the editing team’s workload. Part of the reason they love working with you is you have such clear, blemish free skin

Shane: Please, please stop talking

Yuna: Fine. I should probably be telling Ilya this anyways huh?

Shane: Or you could speak to neither of us about this and we could pretend that it never happened ever

Yuna: 👍

Chiron Fan Club

Bood: They’re coming for our boy again 😭

Bood: @jeremysaysstuff: Hold up, people are

Bood: @mayaohmy: Alriiight, I didn’t

Wyatt: Oh no!!! I don’t like this. Should we start a hashtag or something?

Holmberg: I thought that was the gay players’ thing

Wyatt: Maybe it’s time we step in and help out. It shouldn’t always be on them. Holly’s our boy too and this is fucked up

LaPointe: I agree, this is even more brutal than Luca’s 6/10

Luca: Did you really have to bring that up?

LaPointe: I’m just saying, if you can’t get hard, that should be between you, the girl, and God. That’s a secret you should both die with

Young: wtf have you experienced?

Holmberg: I have so many questions. Starting with…you need viagra bro? 

LaPointe: You HAVE Viagra on hand bro? 🤔

Bood: If anyone needs Viagra, that’s fine. It’s not our place to judge 

Dykstra: Yeah, you don’t know what they’re going through. They could be gay and in love with their sworn rival but in denial about their feelings!!

Shane: Bood, unsend these please. I really don’t want Ilya to see them.

Ilya: Too late

Ilya: These posts are very stupid. Oh, breaking news, Shane Hollander is super gay

Ilya: This woman is pretty though, hmm? Stunning some would say. Yuna agrees.

Shane: You showed my MOM that post?

Holmberg: Brooo

Dykstra: Out of line

Bood: That’s foul Roz

Ilya: She looked over my shoulder!

Ilya: She thinks we should ignore it

Shane: I agree

Shane: Please tell me you do too

Shane: Ugh

Jeremy @jeremysaysstuff

Hold up, people are rating NHL players in bed? That’s so fucking funny. I dated a girl who slept with Shane Hollander and she said he was a fucking disaster. He could barely get hard 😂

Ilya Rozanov ✔️ @IlyaRozanovWins 

This is the opposite of my experience. And how unfair that only hot and famous hockey players get rated. Women of the world: If you have slept with Jeremy, please tell us how awful he is. I will dedicate my next goal to you! Use hashtag #RateJeremy

for the gays @rozanovslapdog 

GET HIM AGAIN

dove ‹𝟹 @rozsbeartattoo 

Ilya Rozanov I am unspeakably h*rny for your deranged little brain 

Asha @himbolover365 

Dying at “This is the opposite of my experience”. He said “This man doesn’t just play HARD” 

MJ 💌 @maryjanepaguro

Idk anything about hockey but I have indeed slept with Jeremy and I’d say he was a 3/10. He couldn’t find the clit if it bit him in the face. Pic of me and the man himself for proof! Don’t judge me, I was in a dry spell #RateJeremy

Ilya Rozanov ✔️ @IlyaRozanovWins 

I’m very sorry you had to sleep with this bum. Thank you for sharing. Also, I like your middle name)) Happy to dedicate my next goal to you.

MJ 💌 @maryjanepaguro

Oh cool, thanks! 

Lizzie @reallizbrowne

Wait lol I dated Jeremy for 2 months and it was a disaster. My friends and I still call him “the clown”. He once said “I make you wetter than a car wash, huh?” and thought that would turn me on somehow. 2/10 #RateJeremy

Ilya Rozanov ✔️ @IlyaRozanovWins 

Terrible. My second goal is for you! Luckily we play Montreal Tuesday so I will get a hat trick no problem

Hayden Pike ✔️ @HaydenPikeHockey 

Hey! I support the #RateJeremy movement though. Fuck this guy

Hannah @hannahbanana123

Don’t listen to the lies of a jealous, insecuere loser! Jeremy is a total BEAST in the sack, 10/10!!! #RateJeremy #RozanovLies

charlie @shaneholeander 

Account created today…following Jeremy and no one else…we know it’s you buddy

dean 🏒 @deanmachine 

Right after you said this, he followed one other account to cover his tracks…and it was Gilbert Comeau. I’m WHEEZING 

Ilya Rozanov ✔️ @IlyaRozanovWins 

I am not saying anything. Just poor women who have been unlucky enough to sleep with you. I mean him. Typo 

WAGs and Proud 🏳️‍🌈 

Kyle: Ilya, I’m cackling over this rate Jeremy hashtag! This is the revenge we need

Shane: Is it? Is it though?

Kip: Idk, I think it’s kind of iconic

Harris: That’s one word for it 😬

Shane: I don’t know. It’s gotten some of the heat off of me but I’m worried we’re just gonna circle back to how awful I was in bed with women

Kyle: I mean, is that really such a bad thing? You’re gay. I think it’s understandable that you aren’t great in bed with women

Kip: Says the man who once told me that in another life, he’d be a pussy eating God

Kyle: I was drunk and you promised to NEVER REPEAT THAT

Harris: Omg Kyle 😂

Kyle: In MY DEFENSE I coincidentally took home a trans guy a few months later and he told me he couldn’t believe I was new to it. So ha!

Kip: I still maintain he said that so you’d give him free drinks

Ilya: I believe that Kyle is good at eating pussy

Kyle: THANK YOU!!!

Kip: Idk I think maybe I’d be better

Ilya: No

Ilya: Here is my ranking, best to worst

Ilya: Me, Shane, Archie, Kyle, Fabian, Harris, Kip

Harris: Did you just rank how good we’d all be at eating pussy? At 8 in the morning?

Ilya: Yes

Kip: WHY AM I LAST?

Shane: Wait I’m second? Really?

Ilya: You must be since you have so much sex with women.

Kyle: Down boy

Shane: If you’re gonna be obnoxiously jealous, can you at least rank me first? 

Kip: No seriously why am I last?

Ilya: Hard to trust your skills when you are so much younger and prettier than your husband. You probably blink and he comes 

Kip: So I’d be bad at eating pussy because I’m…hot?

Harris: Literally what is happening 

Archie: This was a wild conversation to catch up on, but yay, I’m third!!

Ilya: Bisexuals do it best

Archie: 😎 

Archie: It’s really not a challenge. I don’t get why straight men act like they need a map and morse code to find the clit. It’s…right there?

Ilya: Exactly!

Shane: Yeah honestly I’ve never understood that either. It’s fairly straightforward

Ilya: How would you know? 🤨

Shane: As you have been very clear on, I have indeed slept with women before

Ilya: 🤨🤨🤨

Shane: 🙄🙄🙄

Harris: You know, I have a friend who does social media work for the Nomads. Somehow, she manages to get through the work week without players discussing sex on main 

Ilya: Sounds boring

The Secret Society of Stickhandlers

Scott: Rozanov

Ilya: Hunter

Scott: Why is Kip complaining that you said he’d be bad at “eating pussy”???

Baldwin: Lmao why is eating pussy in quotes? I promise it can't hurt you Hunter

Ilya: Kip does not like the truth. He also does not like when I remind him that it's wrong to hoard fossils and he should donate his husband to a natural history museum

Scott: Leave us alone, Rozanov. We’re trying to enjoy our morning in peace.

Ilya: Why are you upset? You should be proud of me daddy Scott 

Scott: Do not call me that ever again

Ilya: But I am following in your footsteps daddy!

Scott: What the hell are you on about?

Troy: He’s referring to his stupid hashtag

Scott: Do I even wanna know?

Eric: No

Shane: Definitely not

Scott: Hold on, Kip's telling me about it. Once again, I don’t live online

Scott: Are you serious? This is terrible

Ilya: You misspelled genius

Luca: I think it’s smart. This Jeremy man is very mean. And I do not believe he would be good at sucking dick.

Baldwin: I agree, I fucking love the hashtag. Rozanov makes a good point, why are only we getting rated? 

Lundin: Who’s we? 🤔 Who rated you again?

Baldwin: Your dad

Lundin: My dad’s dead so HA

Baldwin: Oh geez I’m sorry man

Lundin: No worries. It’s been awhile and he was a raging asshole

Baldwin: Your mom then?

Lundin: Yeah, that works

Baldwin: Then I FUCKED YOUR MOM!!!

Eric: This group chat feels like unpaid babysitting

Luca: Do we need to be worried the ratings will start up again? :( 

Ilya: Don’t worry Luca, everyone will be rating Jeremy instead now

Luca: :) 

Scott: Well I give you a 1/10 Rozanov

Ilya: How long did it take you to think of that? Don’t try to chirp again, you will pull a muscle

Scott: Shut up and don’t start any more hashtags

Ilya: I thought you would be proud 😢 You love hashtags!!

Ilya: Maybe I should get #RateHunter trending, see if there are any more sexy Greek men we haven’t heard from

Scott: DO NOT

Troy: Please stop

Ilya: 😏

Shane: Ilya. No more hashtags. I’m serious.

Ilya: Of course my love

Baldwin: Why do we even bother making this a group effort when it takes Hollander 2 seconds to get him in line?

The Unholy Trinity

Hayden: I hate to say it, but I support Rozanov’s trolling. This Jeremy guy is such a douchebag

J.J.: I agree. These women rating him is hilarious 😂

Shane: I still can’t believe any of this is happening. I just want one day without the whole internet discussing my sex life. Is that too much to ask?

Hayden: Unfortunately, your sex life is very interesting

Shane: I don’t think it is

Hayden: Oh this isn’t a matter of opinion. It’s an objective fact 

Hayden: You secretly slept with your rival for years and then when he ghosted you, you ran straight (pun unintended) into the arms of Rose Landry. You have to know people are gonna be fascinated by that 

Shane: Wait what? I didn’t date Rose because Ilya ghosted me. I left him.

J.J.: You DID?

Shane: Yeah. You knew that

Hayden: Uhhh no I did not fucking know that 

J.J.: How did we not know this?! 

Hayden: Well the one time I asked about it, Rozanov was there and he borderline growled at me

J.J.: I guess I figured Rozanov was hoeing around and you got tired of it 

Shane: I mean technically I was “hoeing around” considering I ditched him right after we hooked up and then started dating Rose

Hayden: Why though? 

Shane: He said my name for the first time and I freaked out

J.J.: Huh?

Hayden: I’m so lost

Hayden: This was late 2016?

Shane: Yes

Hayden: And you started sleeping with Rozanov in 2010?

Shane: Yes

Hayden: So you slept together for six years without calling each other by your first names? That’s what you’re telling me?

Shane: Yes. Is it really that confusing?

J.J.: HOLLZY.

Hayden: I…

Hayden: This is a text. You have rendered me speechless in a fucking text.

J.J.: What did you call each other in bed? Baby or something?

Shane: God no. Just our last names

Hayden: YOUR LASTN AMSMDES???

Hayden: Shane. Shane. Buddy. Pal. You must know that that’s insane

Shane: Is it? I mean, you’ve known him for years now and you still call him Rozanov

Hayden: HE DOESN’T EAT MY ASSHOLE SHANE

J.J.: Honestly the last name thing is kinda on brand. I’m stuck on you ghosting Rozanov. Was it really right after sex?

Shane: Yeah. Like maybe thirty seconds after.

Hayden: JESUS CHRIST

J.J.: Is Shane Hollander…a fuckboy? My whole world is shattering right now

Hayden: Thirty seconds???

Shane: Maybe less

Hayden: LESS? What, did you start running to the door while actively jizzing? 

J.J.: Even if you didn’t, that’s barely enough time to clean up

Shane: No. It’s not…

Hayden: I can’t believe this is a sentence I’m about to type and I really wish it wasn’t

Hayden: Please tell me you did not leave Ilya Rozanov covered in cum because he said your name after 6 years

Shane: I would honestly love if I could tell you that 

J.J.: Mon dieu 

Hayden: This is so…

Hayden: I hate to say this but I feel like I understand Rozanov better now. Like OF COURSE he doesn’t like seeing you with other people. You left him soaking in a puddle of spunk and then started dating ROSE LANDRY?

J.J.: That would be my last straw 😭 They were in literally every tabloid 

Hayden: Oh no. I actually feel bad for Ilya Rozanov right now

J.J.: I do too

Shane: I also feel bad about it. 

J.J.: Silence fuckboy!! 

Hayden: You really just left because he called you your name?

Shane: I mean it was a lot of things. It was so…intimate all of a sudden. 

Shane: He made me a tuna melt

Hayden: Whoa whoa whoa, a tuna melt? After 6 years? Is he a madman?!

J.J.: Maybe the tuna melt had an engagement ring hidden inside of it

Hayden: Maybe Rozanov used a cookie cutter to make the bread spell out “Shane” and he got frightened 

Shane: Stop. It was a lot! And he was talking about sleeping with women so I figured I should too. And then J.J. called about Rose…

J.J.: Oh so this is MY FAULT NOW?

Shane: No! I’m just saying. 

J.J.: This is the worst day ever. I’m responsible for Ilya Rozanov’s suffering and I’m not even happy about it? I kinda wanna give him a hug?

Hayden: Same but if you ever tell him, I’ll kill you both

Hayden: God, how did you get him back after that? Did you show up to his house with a fucking boombox or something?

J.J.: There aren’t enough boomboxes in the world…

Shane: No. I apologized.

Hayden: That’s it?

Shane: Yeah

J.J.: And then what?

Shane: And then nothing? I came out to him, we talked about our relationship a little, he said we couldn’t be anything serious and then we had sex

J.J.: Wait what do you mean you came out to him?

Shane: I told him I’m gay

Hayden: …do you think maybe he had an idea of that already?

J.J.: No, no way. I bet he was stunned. Hopefully he took it okay 😔

Shane: I promise any joke you’re thinking of right now, Ilya has already said 

Hayden: Please don’t spoil our fun 

Shane: Okay but I don’t see how this is relevant to all the women I’ve had mediocre sex with. Like that part can’t possibly be interesting

Hayden: It’s definitely also interesting

Shane: How? 

Hayden: I have questions, but I don’t want to retraumatize you

Shane: Retraumatize me? 

Hayden: Yeah like did you imagine a man when you had sex with women? 

Shane: Sometimes. It sort of depended.

Hayden: On what?

Shane: I don’t know

Shane: Like with Rose I was really trying to prove to myself that I liked women. So I wouldn’t let myself think about Ilya. Or I really tried not to at least.

J.J.: Wow, this is depressing

Shane: I guess

Shane: But like in high school I had no idea I was gay. So sometimes I would look at the posters of men on my girlfriend’s wall and that would help.

Hayden: And that didn’t clue you into the fact that you're gay?

Shane: No. I’m not sure I consciously registered what I was doing. My brain couldn’t even go there.

Hayden: :( 

Shane: Stop pitying me!

Hayden: Sorry! It’s depressing!

Shane: You asked!

J.J.: Okay but I need to know who these men on posters were

Hayden: Yesss!!

Shane: I don’t really know who they were

Hayden: Of course you don’t

Shane: They were like actors and stuff 

J.J.: Oh okay, that clears it up

Shane: There was one I looked at a lot of this guy from a movie my dad likes

Shane: Hold on, give me a minute, it’ll come

Hayden: -you every time you slept with a woman

J.J.: 😂

Shane: I hate you

Shane: Oh! Dirty Dancing! That guy

Hayden: Wait. Do you mean Patrick Swayze?

Shane: Let me google

Shane: Yes! Him.

Hayden: Oh my God

J.J.: You’re actually the most predictable man on Earth, Hollzy. Well, except for your secret fuckboy era

Shane: What?

Hayden: You really don’t see it?

Shane: See what?

Hayden: Patrick Swayze looks exactly like your husband

Shane: No he doesn’t

J.J.: Yes he does

Shane: I don’t know…

Shane: Maybe a little

Hayden: Or maybe a lot

Shane: Do you know who Patrick Swayze is?

Harris: Shane what? That’s like asking if I breathe air

Harris: Why? Actually this is a good reminder, I’ve been meaning to do a little celebrity lookalike feature and of course he would be Ilya’s 

Shane: Right. Of course.

Harris: So why do you ask?

Shane: No reason.

Harris: Okey dokey! 😊

Harris: While I have you, I wanted to let you know that I’m monitoring the situation with your continued ratings

Shane: You really don’t have to do that. Please enjoy your morning off and ignore it.

Harris: I largely was yesterday, but this is making me sick. I came out young and I can’t imagine what it was like for you having to deny who you are and keep sleeping with women for so many years. It must be painful to have it dragged back up, especially so publicly. 

Shane: Thanks. It’s definitely weird.

Harris: I’m glad at least your ex tried to be respectful about it. Though obviously the internet moving on from this completely would be the most ideal option

Shane: Wait what do you mean my ex?

Harris: Jessica Wright. My sister Margot played volleyball with her actually, she always said she was super sweet!

Shane: She posted?

Harris: Yup

Shane: Fuck 

Jessica Wright @justjessicawright 

This is so embarrassing, but I’m Jeremy’s ex that slept with Shane. Actually, I was Shane’s girlfriend. I dated Jeremy shortly after Shane and I broke up. I was 19 at the time and confided in Jeremy that it was nice to date someone who was actually attracted to me.

Jessica Wright @justjessicawright 

Please remember that this was 2009 and Shane was closeted (with very good reason). It didn’t even cross my mind that he could be gay. I thought he struggled in bed with me because I wasn’t pretty enough and it bruised my ego

Jessica Wright @justjessicawright 

So I told Jeremy I was glad to be with someone who could get hard for me. It’s been a sec but to my memory, I didn’t use Shane’s name. Still, it wasn’t a secret that we dated, so I guess he connected the dots. I apologize to Shane for betraying his privacy. And I apologize for the fact that I’m about to do it more, but I've gotta say this...

Jessica Wright @justjessicawright 

I agree with @mayaohmy that he always tried his best. I realize that sounds condescending, but it’s true! Shane went down on me more than pretty much all my straight boyfriends did (with the exception of my lovely husband haha) 

Jessica Wright @justjessicawright 

Shane always put a lot of effort into making me come to make up for the fact that he couldn’t get hard due to “stress”. This is probably (definitely) TMI, but at the beginning he wasn’t very good at going down on me. Then suddenly overnight he was amazing? I asked what happened and he said he “researched”, whatever that means. Like I said, he was dedicated! 

Jessica Wright @justjessicawright 

Truly, he was better at eating me out than a lot of straight men are...Jeremy included. And he was so young at the time! I’m not going to rate Shane because knowing what I know now, it breaks my heart that he wasn’t able to live authentically for so long. But I would give Jeremy a 3/10 on a very, very good day. #RateJeremy

anya unofficial @hollanoveru 

OH.

Mads @madaline_centaurs1 

Literally so much to unpack here. Shane Hollander being so gay that he makes beautiful women think they’re ugly. Shane Hollander “researching” ? how to eat pussy. Shane Hollander BEING BETTER AT EATING PUSSY THAN STRAIGHT MEN?

Willow @boodsdudesbbq

Wait that Jeremy guy is so ugly though, if I had to go from dating Shane Hollander to HIM, I’d never show my face in public again

Claire @clairebear81

Considering she just advertised that her husband’s always eating her cooch, I think she’s good

Barry W. @barrywilliams1234 

My advice to Hollander? Spend less time studying how to munch box and more time studying stickhandling. Maybe less time giving blowies too. You gotta do what it takes to get us back to back Cups

greyson ₊˚｡ ❆ @m0therpuck3r17 

You charmed me with “munching box” but lost me at the end there. I have to draw the line at less blowies

mel @melissaplays34 

My theory is that Hollander was so dedicated to beating Rozanov that he was trying to win the pussy eating race too 

Chiron's Third Dad @centaurtrashh 

That post was genuinely so thoughtful and nuanced, Jessica you have dethroned Rose Landry as the hag of all time 🫶

Dawn @breakofdawn24 

Not censoring R*se’s name…oh I know you have a degradation kink

rose landry step on me @roses_laundry 

WHY “HAG” IS A HARMFUL WORD TO CALL WOMEN. A THREAD (1/49)

Sage @outofthyme 

One thing about Hollander is he has to be the best at everything. Like this man has won 4-1 before and still looked distraught after because he fumbled 1 pass. So yes, it makes perfect sense that he studied to achieve a Good Grade in Eating Pussy 

Jake @croissantsncups 

Not to be crass but I have to be crass…his dick sucking skills must be frighteningly good then, right?

⁸¹ Winona @winonar3ads4 

Yeah, I actually think this should answer every question about why Rozanov hauled ass to Ottawa. If a teenage Hollander was able to improve THAT much at something he didn’t enjoy…and he’s spent a DECADE studying how to fuck Rozanov which presumably he actually LIKES doing…Welllll 👀🥵

mal @ilyastoenailclippings 

This man wasn’t dragged to Ottawa kicking and screaming, he was running there at death defying speeds 

hattie 💕 @holmbergsgirl 

Does anyone else feel bad for Hollander? I’m actually attracted to women and he’s slept with more girls than I have…

anya unofficial @hollanoveru 

dming you, we can fix that :) 

hattie 💕 @holmbergsgirl 

Oh! Okay!! Yay 😀

Linda @livelaughlinda 

I am horrified to see such blatant promotion of cunnilingus. Shane Holander, please remember that God gave you a tongue to praise Him. NOT for such debaucherous shenanigans 

greyson ₊˚｡ ❆ @m0therpuck3r17

You’re sooo right bestie, God gave him that tongue to give Ilya Rozanov filthy, sloppy blowies that make him see Jesus. Amen 🙏

greyson ₊˚｡ ❆ @m0therpuck3r17

Aww man, live laugh Linda blocked me :(( 

kj ²⁴ @kyliebluejeans 

Lmao do I need to take your login info away again?

greyson ₊˚｡ ❆ @m0therpuck3r17

Noooo don’t, live laugh linda’s hot gay son just followed me back 😝 brb gonna become her live laugh son in law

lynn 🐝 lesbian rights @barrettsbiceps 

SHANE HOLLANDER, GAYEST MAN ON EARTH, ATE WOMEN OUT WHILE DEEP ENOUGH IN THE CLOSET TO LOSE CELL SERVICE. WHAT’S YOUR UGLY BOYFRIEND’S EXCUSE? 

Ilya: You miss eating pussy?

Shane: What?

Shane: Is that really your takeaway from this?

Ilya: Yes

Ilya: Lots of fun, yes? You miss it?

Shane: Do YOU miss it? If anyone’s asking that it should be me. You actually like sleeping with women

Ilya: Not as much as I like sucking your dick

Shane: Same. Obviously???

Ilya: Hmm. 

Shane: Are you seriously jealous AGAIN?

Ilya: No.

Shane: You have nothing to be jealous of. You’re currently at the farmers market with my parents.

Ilya: Not true. We are eating pancakes now 😋🥞

Ilya: [image attached, tap to download]

Shane: Exactly.

Ilya: Did you like it?

Shane: No, pancakes have too much sugar for me

Ilya: Shane…

Shane: Oh my God

Shane: You know, believe it or not, eating women out actually wasn’t my favorite pastime 

Ilya: Sure.

Shane: Ilya. I’m GAY

Ilya: Not too gay to eat lots of pussy

Shane: Because it’s the polite thing to do!

Ilya: You ate pussy…to be polite? 

Shane: Of course. I might be gay but I’m not an animal

Shane: The articles I read for my research said gentlemen go down on women

Ilya: Stop. Your mother is asking why I’m laughing

Shane: It’s not funny! 

Shane: I hate that I made her think she wasn’t pretty. I traumatized her with my flaccid dick

Ilya: Shane. Please. I can’t breathe.

Ilya: I am telling Yuna I am laughing at cat memes and she doesn’t believe me! 

Ilya: And now David is asking to see the memes((

Shane: I’m being serious! I feel really bad 

Ilya: You are very sweet. I promise she’s fine. She’s married to a pussy eating god apparently. She has 2 kids and a career. You didn’t ruin her life.

Ilya: Besides, your dick makes my life so much better. So you are even with the universe

Shane: I’m not sure that’s how it works

Ilya: It’s okay, Shane. These girls are in the past, yes?

Shane: Of course they are

Ilya: Then no need to freak out. You have a hot husband now. They have uglier men who actually want to fuck them. Everyone wins

Shane: I guess…

Ilya: No guessing. I know. Relax. Get offline and forget about this nonsense. Put on your tiny short shorts and do yoga

Shane: Oh and how will the short shorts help?

Ilya: They relieve anxiety. Dr. Galina told me so

Shane: I've told you, you have to stop weaponizing your therapist to get me to dress like a slut

Ilya: It’s science!

Shane: Did having sex with me traumatize you?

Rose: Well good morning to you too 😳

Shane: Sorry. Good morning. Have you seen the latest posts about me?

Rose: The blowjob guy? Or the one about you folding your clothes before sex? So rude, I thought it was charming that you did that!

Shane: No, there’s been more. Some of the women I’ve slept with have been posting about being unsatisfied

Rose: And that’s…surprising to you?

Shane: No. I guess I’ve just never thought much about how distressing that could be

Shane: For the women I mean. Obviously it was distressing for me 

Rose: I’m not traumatized by you spending forty five minutes trying to get it up. I appreciated the effort!

Shane: Can you do me a favor and send a bomb to my house?

Rose: lol Shane! I promise it’s fine!!

Shane: My ex girlfriend made this whole post though. Look @justjessicawright: This is so embarrassing

Rose: Uhh what the fuck? Does she have super low standards or something? You were AWFUL at eating me out

Shane: Why is everyone’s takeaway me eating women out?

Rose: Because I’m women and you weren’t good at it

Shane: Sorry. I was pretty distracted when we dated and I have to focus hard to nail the technique

Rose: The technique?

Rose: What the hell is the technique?

Shane: Just an assortment of tips I assembled from men’s health magazine and a few blogs. I researched it at the library.

Rose: Oh my God. You studied for eating pussy like it was a play, didn’t you?

Shane: It’s not really that different if you think about it. Each orgasm is like a point. One time Jessica got frustrated and got herself off and it felt like she scored unassisted so I figured I should research. Hence the technique.

Rose: I love your brain a stupid amount

Rose: Are you like this sucking dick too?

Shane: God no 

Shane: I feel like when I’m sucking dick I get to turn my brain off. But when I was trying to please women, I was mostly focused on the mechanics since I wasn’t getting anything out of it. Does that make sense?

Rose: Kind of. Either way it’s very charming. And very gay

Shane: Thanks I think 

Shane: I’m sorry I didn’t do a good job eating you out. When we were together, getting hard was my top priority and I think I lost sight of your pleasure.

Rose: Omg it’s fine Shane!!

Rose: I am curious about the Shane Hollander technique though, I wish I’d experienced it haha 

Shane: I’m not sure how much you missed out. It was nice of Jessica to say all of that I guess but I’m a lot better at sucking dick

Rose: Oh I’m sureeee 👀

Shane: So back to the post. As you can see, she said she thought she was ugly after sleeping with me. Did you feel that way?

Rose: Of course not. I’m gorgeous. You’re not powerful enough to make me think I’m not.

Shane: Okay…

Rose: It’s so nice that you care but I promise that no one’s life was ruined by sleeping with you. Even if you, theoretically, said “Nice. Thank you.” in response to their nudes

Shane: I’m so sorry

Rose: I know, it’s really fine!

Shane: I just feel so bad…

Shane: I wish I could reach out to all the women I’ve slept with and apologize

Rose: You have nothing to apologize for! You were figuring yourself out. And everyone knows you’re gay. I mean, it was news. So even if they didn’t understand then, they do now 

Rose: Just don’t do anything rash, okay?

Shane Hollander ✔️ @ShaneHollander24 

I would like to formally apologize to any women who have slept with me. It wasn’t easy figuring out my sexuality while coming up as an NHL player, especially while facing the added pressure of being one of the only Asian players in the league.

Shane Hollander ✔️ @ShaneHollander24 

That being said, I feel bad for any women who may have doubted themselves or their appearance as a result of sleeping with me. It’s not you, it’s me. In the eternal words of my husband, I’m “super gay”.

Shane Hollander ✔️ @ShaneHollander24 

You are all wonderful people and I’m sure if I was bisexual or straight things would have been different. Probably. Actually, I’d still be in love with Ilya but you’d have had a more pleasant experience on the way I hope.

Harris 🍎🌈 @HarrisDrover 

Shane WHAT

Rose Landry 🌹✔️ @RoseLandry 

Log off and call me back please 

nadia 🌈 @hazyhayess 

I said yesterday was the wildest day in NHL social media history. Turns out I was dead wrong.

madi (she/they) @dallaskenthateclub 

Shane Hollander, with how many of your colleagues are out here truly traumatizing women, I promise it’s okay you couldn’t get it up sometimes, damn 

hollanov's secret love child @holand3rrozanvv 

Is he saying he’d still be in love with Rozanov even if he was straight? Somehow? This man can’t even fathom not having feelings for him, god they’re obsessed with each other 

mel @melissaplays34 

Shane Hollander’s so Canadian that he’s apologizing for his own internalized homophobia

Jessica Wright @justjessicawright 

Truly no hard feelings @ShaneHollander24! Seriously, there are worse things than a first boyfriend who’s incredibly polite and doesn’t make a move on you for 3 months

Claire @clairebear81 

3 months is wild and you know the whole time he was watching Ilya Rozanov game tape like it was porn 😭

Rose’s mom interacted 2x !! 🌹 @comingup_rosess

Alright, I’m gonna say it. I'm glad Hollander apologized and I'm upset that so many people are acting like his apology wasn't necessary. Remember that he’s confirmed he started seeing Rozanov in 2010. So why did he pursue Rose Landry and that club woman knowing he was gay? Just another man using women, probably as a beard. 

Selena @thathockeygirl17 

“That club woman” isn’t really gonna make anyone think you’re a hero to women

Rose’s mom interacted 2x !! 🌹 @comingup_rosess

Oh like you know that girl’s name?

Selena @thathockeygirl17 

I didn’t but I easily checked it. It’s Maya. And Maya wasn’t a public girlfriend of his. No one knew about her until today so she can’t be a beard. And based on their ages, he was with Jessica before he was with Rozanov

Rose’s mom interacted 2x !! 🌹 @comingup_rosess

Fine but explain why he had to date Rose Landry then?? She deserves better than that!!

Hailey🌹 STREAM UNDER DARK 3 @byyanyothername

Omg FINALLY we’re talking about this. Gay men using women is just as wrong as straight men using them! It was really selfish of him to play with Rose’s feelings and waste her time. She said in a 2014 interview that she hopes to settle down and have kids. I can’t imagine how heartbreaking Hollander's switch up was for her 😢💔

Shane Hollander ✔️ @ShaneHollander24 

It seems like this needs to be clarified: Yes, I started seeing Ilya casually in 2010 but I didn’t know I was gay until early 2017. Rose being honest with me during our break up is what allowed me to admit my sexuality to myself, and I will always be indebted to her for that.

Dawn @breakofdawn24 

WAIT WHAT???

anya unofficial @hollanoveru 

Sir what the hell did you think you were doing?

Rose Landry 🌹✔️ @RoseLandry 

Once again begging you to pick up my calls love ❤️ You don’t owe anyone an explanation!! 

mal @ilyastoenailclippings 

Hollander after sucking his rival’s dick “no homo btw”

Priya @admiralscellie 

Hollander bouncing on it “Yeah no this is platonic I think the guys in Toronto all do it. Can you go harder buddy?” 

dean 🏒 @deanmachine 

Hollander tenderly kissing Ilya Rozanov's lips “I'm so glad we're bros”

madi (she/they) @dallaskenthateclub 

I assumed he just thought he was bi? Especially since Rozanov’s bi

mal @ilyastoenailclippings 

Probably but this is way funnier lmao 

charlie @shaneholeander 

Imagine Rose Landry, daytime Emmy award winning actress, telling you you’re gay

Louis @louishockeytrash 

Damn, “daytime Emmy award winning actress” is lowkey backhanded

charlie @shaneholeander 

It’s not my fault she takes shitty franchise roles and hasn’t won an Oscar

rose landry step on me @roses_laundry 

THE HISTORY AND ART OF FRANCHISE ROLES (AND WHY ROSE LANDRY'S VALID TO TAKE THEM). A THREAD (1/32)

charlie @shaneholeander 

Do you have these pre drafted somehow? How do you write them so fast? 

average shane hollander enthusiast @shanesw1ns 

I can’t stop imagining Hollander giving a woman one of his press answers after trying and failing to get it up. Like “yeah, uh, obviously that isn’t the start we wanted. All we can do is keep it simple, give it our all for the full 60 minutes, and hope it gets us the win”

Maya @mayaohmy

This is so accurate 😂

Jessica Wright @justjessicawright 

All I will say is…🫣🫣🫣

Shane Hollander ✔️ @ShaneHollander24 

Sorry.

Rose Landy’s mistress 🌹 @neutralroselandry

Can we please make “friend of Rose” the new “friend of Dorothy”

Parker🌹 @RosiePosiess

Omg yes! Considering she’s looking out for Shane even now and trying to get him to shut up and log off, I think she deserves the title

Matty @mattyurmom

Okay now I’m confused. This Jessica chick is saying Hollander was pretty decent in bed but he must have been bad if Rose Landry figured out he likes dick?

kyle swift love bot @scottcunterr 

Jessica said he was good at eating pussy, specifically. It seems like his dick was so soft it resembled an inflatable tube man outside of a car dealership

cal @vaughnybaby 

Didn’t Rose’s post yesterday imply he was bad at eating pussy though?

Matty @mattyurmom

Right? I’m so fucking lost. Idk maybe he sucked so much dick between Jessica and Rose that he forgot how to eat pussy

kyle swift love bot @scottcunterr 

I…find it hard to believe that that’s how it works

NOTICE ME ROSE @slutz4roselanddry

Oh to have Rose Landry sit you down and tell you so lovingly that you should never, ever sleep with a woman again

Shane Hollander ✔️ @ShaneHollander24 

This is basically how it happened. The women of the world should send her a thank you card.

charlie @shaneholeander 

SHANE HOLLANDER.

trace @hollanovweddingofficiant 

I have never seen Hollander post this much unless he has obligations to a brand. On one hand I want to see more chaotic Shane ignoring his media training, but on the other... @IlyaRozanovWins come get your man

soph @freckleshanes 

I feel so bad that my post asking if anyone slept with him led to him crashing out like this, I hope he forgives me 😭

lucy ୨୧ @iluvluceey

Okay but seriously, why is Rozanov so quiet right now? Did that Jeremy guy kill him?

aaron @aaronevermore 

I was wondering the same and checked the Rozanov updates page. Looks like he’s at the farmers market with his in laws (again)

Ilya Rozanov Updates 🏒 @rozanovupdates81

ILYA ROZANOV SPOTTED this morning, buying watermelons with his mother and father in law ☺️

Asha @himbolover365 

Likely place for him to be

victoria @rozbian 

At this point this is like when the Hollander update account posts that he's at a rink. Like yeah no shit

TJ @tjlewis 

ILYA GO HOME, YOUR HUSBAND NEEDS YOU!!!

Selena @thathockeygirl17 

This man’s out buying a frankly alarming amount of watermelons, blissfully unaware that his husband’s experiencing a level 10 crash out

Lainey @pinkponyclubb

I don’t go here (I'd rather die than watch Sports) but I looked at the dude’s account and I don’t see how it’s a crash out? These posts aren’t that crazy

Selena @thathockeygirl17 

Yeah, it’s very clear you don’t go here 

The Secret Society of Stickhandlers

Scott: Hollander, I can’t believe I’m saying this to you of all people, but you need to log off

Baldwin: No keep going, I wanna hear more about these pussy eating techniques. I'm taking notes

Luca: I agree you should log off. The internet is evil and makes me very sad. I have never slept with a woman but I don’t think you did something wrong by exploring your sexuality :(

Lundin: You’ve never slept with a woman?

Luca: No

Lundin: Like never ever?

Luca: No. That's what never means.

Baldwin: Jesus

Lundin: I’m kinda (very) jealous rn

Troy: I am too. But I agree, you're not a bad person for having slept with women. We all have.

Baldwin: Except baby Luca

Troy: Yes, except Luca

Lundin: Never? Really? Not even once?

Luca: No. I’m gay.

Lundin: SO AM I

Luca: Yes but I came out to my family at 13

Lundin: I really hate when you talk about that

Scott: Tagging in case you’re too busy replying to idiots to see this. @Shane, people on the internet are always going to be annoying. Please for your sake, log off

Shane: Fine. I’ve said my piece I think.

Ilya: What? Shane posted? Shane Hollander? Light of my life and the reason for my existence? That Shane?

Scott: Yes

Ilya: Was there a daddy Scott hashtag I missed?

Scott: No

Eric: He just…went rogue

Ilya: Oh sweetheart.

Shane: It’s not a big deal! I had something to say so I said it. I figured it was easier than trying to find the contacts of all the women I’ve slept with

Ilya: All of them? How hard could it be? Are there more you haven’t told me about?

Troy: Relax. He’s gay.

Ilya: Not too gay to eat pussy

Baldwin: Bro

Ilya: I just looked at your posts(( I am heading home

Ilya: Don’t get out of bed. I will bring you salad

Shane: It’s almost noon. I’ve been out of bed for hours.

Ilya: Well get back in bed then. I have big plans for you.

Eric: Take it to the DMs boys

Lundin: Nooo please don’t

Shane: But what about my salad? I don’t want to eat it in bed

Ilya: Ugh how are you still so bad at sexting? Forget about the salad

Shane: I’m not trying to sext you in a group chat? And I don’t want to forget about the salad. I’m hungry. What type is it?

Ilya: Cobb, double egg, no bacon, no cheese, no dressing. I will make you your vinegar dressing when I get home

Shane: Well now I really don’t want to forget about it 

Baldwin: That is an ABYSMAL salad order man

Troy: He eats it all the time. It stinks

Luca: I always think it looks filling

Lundin: Is that not just…lettuce and eggs?

Shane: It’s very filling

Ilya: I will prove to you that you are very good at sex and then you can eat your gross salad

Shane: That doesn’t really make sense

Ilya: What?

Shane: I don’t think you can prove to me that I’m good at something. You could prove that you’re good at sex but how would you make me prove it?

Ilya: I can make you do anything.

Lundin: Actually, Hollander has a point

Luca: Yes, I have to be honest, if Archie sent me that sext I would be confused about what I was supposed to do

Lundin: I would too. If I hypothetically had someone to sext me

Troy: Don’t you have a boyfriend? 

Lundin: Oh, nah, we broke up. Turns out models are kinda assholes (no offense Luca)

Luca: It's okay, Archie says the same all the time. I'm sorry :(

Baldwin: Oh nooo. Here if you need anything at all, in or out of the group chat!

Scott: I’m sorry to hear that Lundin 

Scott: Also I can’t believe I’m weighing in on this but it made sense to me

Eric: Really Scott?

Scott: I’m confused by the confusion!

Troy: I’m also confused by the confusion. Roz’s text makes sense to me

Baldwin: It made sense to me too. It wasn’t a good line, but I get how he could make Hollander prove it 

Ilya: See, all the tops understand me!

Lundin: Wait it really is just the tops

Baldwin: I thought Hunter was verse?

Luca: He is

Ilya: Fine. Tops and people who top when their bones are strong enough understand me

Lundin: But if the bottoms don’t get it, I don’t think it’s a good line

Eric: I can’t follow this conversation at all. What are we even talking about?

Luca: How can you prove to someone that they’re good in bed? Or make them prove it?

Baldwin: I guess with a lot of praise?

Luca: I wouldn’t like that because then I would assume the praise wasn’t genuine

Troy: Oh…okay??

Lundin: You really are a needy bottom. This is what happens when a gay man never has to please a woman 😔

Luca: I kissed a girl once!

Lundin: That doesn’t count

Luca: It was with tongue!!!

Baldwin: …I know we joke about you being a baby but you may actually be 12

Baldwin: Also Bennett we need your opinion. Does it make sense or not?

Eric: There is no universe where I am weighing in on this

Ilya: Okay fine. I guess there is no way to prove it. Shane Hollander is bad in bed, case closed

Shane: Wait no

Shane: I just need to think about what the proof would be

Baldwin: No wonder you became a pussy eating expert. This man is unstoppable with a goal.

Luca: Huh. I’m not sure what would prove that. Your own stamina or making your partner come fast? Or both?

Baldwin: I feel like speed isn’t necessarily the goal

Luca: I agree but how else would you quantify it?

Troy: I’m starting to think that Roz is right about you being Shane’s biological child

Ilya: Yes. Shane gave birth to him. I will never forget the day 😢

Ilya: Too bad I am not his father. Jessica probably is.

Shane: Seriously? That makes no sense!

Ilya: You had the first child born from a man eating pussy too hard

Shane: That makes even less sense

Eric: This is making my head hurt. 

Ilya: 5 minutes away. Get ready for me sweetheart.

Scott: Rozanov.

Luca: 😯

Lundin: No frantic apology from Hollander on his husband’s behalf…he immediately started prepping, huh?

Troy: Probably

Luca: He just needed clear instructions! 

Scott: This group chat was a mistake

Chiron Fan Club 

Bood: Okay I NEED to know how exactly you researched eating pussy Holly

Dykstra: Same

LaPointe: Me too. Out of curiosity and not because I need tips.

Holmberg: well that’s convincing

Young: you good bro?

LaPointe: Fine!!!

Chouinard: I would also like to know how Shane ate pussy

Holmberg: WHAT?

Dykstra: Omg Holly ate pussy so good he got Chouinard to actually check the group chat

Chouinard: Selena wants me to find out. I think she wants to test his methods.

Bood: Lmaooo 

Luca: Hello Chouinard. Shane probably won’t reply for awhile…

Chouinard: Okay. Are you his secretary or something?

Holmberg: He wishes

Bood: What does that mean Luca?

Luca: He’s busy

Troy: He and Roz are hooking up

Wyatt: Ohhh

Bood: Wait how do you guys know that?

Dykstra: I mean it’s statistically likely. They’re always hooking up

Young: or it could be a gay telepathy thing!

Holmberg: Sometimes I wonder if your brain is actually just a horde of worms

Luca: They mentioned it in the gay players group chat

Holmberg: I still think you should let me back into that

Luca: You’re not gay!

Troy: If you are queer, we can let you back in. Let us know.

Holmberg: I just wanna be in your little clubhouse 😔

Luca: Honestly I feel like the gay WAGs group chat is the real clubhouse

Troy: Yeah, Harris is always cracking up at it. Ours is kind of serious 

Luca: Hunter runs a tight ship

Troy: Yet you still find a way to talk about how to give bottoms proper instructions

Young: WHAT?

Luca: Troy! That was said in the confidence of the group chat!!!

Troy: Oh, sorry

LaPointe: Uhhh I need more info

Holmberg: hell, with what I’ve overheard I could give more info

Luca: Or you could not.

Dykstra: No now I’m kind of curious

Young: pleaase say more

Holmberg: Archie barks a lot of orders. And sometimes I’m just like Luca, buddy, surely you don’t have to drop to your knees in .05 seconds? Fight back!!

Bood: I’m no expert but I don’t think the goal is a power struggle

Wyatt: It’s definitely not

Holmberg: Oh? 👀

Dykstra: Wait is Roz not the only dom on this team?!

Wyatt: Why are you assuming I’m a dom?

Holmberg: OH!

Young: hell yeah!! get it Dr. Lisa!!!

Dykstra: That makes so much sense

Wyatt: 😎

Wyatt: I get ya Luca!!

LaPointe: I want to hear more about these orders though

Luca left the group chat 

Bood added Luca to the group chat

Luca: :( 

The A-Squad

Wyatt: Hello!!!

Marlow: What is this?

Hayden: Hi?

Connors: If this is a spam text, you legally have to tell me

Marlow: That is absolutely not how spam texts work

Wyatt: Not spam! This is Wyatt Hayes. I’ve been thinking about how unfair it is that the queer NHL players are the ones always combatting homophobic scandals online. So I’ve made this group of allies across the league to put our heads together and help out 

Wyatt: Well, allies I personally know and trust. So people in the eastern conference mostly

Wyatt: We’re the A-Squad! Like the X-Squad but for allies! Get it?

Dykstra: I get it and I’m down even though you’re a giant nerd

Wyatt: The X-Squad is mainstream now. Well, the movies are. I still think the Cadmium Knight comic collection is severely underrated

J.J.: I don’t know what any of that means but I’m here for this!! Great idea Hazy

Carter: I like this. Scott does a lot of heavy lifting, it'd be nice to help out. Lately he’s been mumbling about hashtags when he falls asleep on buses…

Bood: I’m totally down

Bood: Wait, you didn’t add the children?

Wyatt: No. Honestly, I have no idea if they’re straight or not? So I figured I’d leave them all out

Dykstra: Smart. I’m still confused by that Holmberg situation

Carter: Oh yeah, what was up with that?

Bood: Truly no one knows

Dykstra: Kid’s figuring himself out!!

Hayden: I thought he was bi?

Wyatt: You really can’t think too hard about it

Marlow: So what exactly are we supposed to post? “Love is love” or something? 

Connors: What year do you think it is Cap? 🤣

Marlow: Hey, love is always love! 

Connors: True that

Wyatt: I was thinking our first mission (should you choose to accept it) could be to help Shane out. He seems genuinely distressed about this whole letting women down in bed thing

Carter: Aww poor guy

Dykstra: He’s getting railed as we speak so I think he’ll live

Hayden: He is? Is that why he’s not texting me back?

Bood: Yes

Hayden: Ugh. I wanna know how he researched eating pussy

Marlow: Why? Looking for tips?

Hayden: Fuck off I absolutely am not. I just think it sounds funny

Bood: I was asking the same! It really does

J.J.: I can just picture him studying diagrams and making the same face he does when he’s reviewing tape 😂

Dykstra: Literally! The one where he’s like 🤨

Bood: Roz calls it his “focused kitten” face

Connors: Ew, they’re disgusting (in a non homophobic way)

Wyatt: Well yeah I’d hope so

Wyatt: Okay! Hashtag ideas anybody?

Bood: Hmmm

Marlow: What about something like #PassthePuss

Connors: What?

Bood: What the hell does that mean?

Marlow: Like it’s okay for Hollander to pass over pussy!

Wyatt: I’m already understanding why straight guys aren't usually in charge of this

Carter: It’s okay, Scott says it usually takes them some workshopping too!

Dykstra: What about #NoBiggie

Bood: What?

Dykstra: Bad at getting hard? #NoBiggie

Marlow: That can’t possibly be better than mine

Hayden: It’s not

Connors: What about #HollanderIsGoodInBedLeaveHimAlone

Marlow: Have you ever seen a hashtag in your life? Is this your first day on the internet?

Dykstra: Even aside from how strangely long that is, it kinda sounds like we personally know he's good in bed

J.J.: I mean, I'm sure we all do. Why don’t we post stories about how good he is? We’ve all been around him and Rozanov enough to have some tales

Bood: I feel like Shane would literally kill us, but I definitely have stories. Someone should write a research paper on their stamina

Dykstra: Right? I swear the last time I shared a wall with them, Shane came like 6 times

Connors: SIX? Is that possible?

Marlow: Oh kiddo

Wyatt: It’s definitely possible…

Bood: I have so many questions for Dr. Lisa after today

Dykstra: I kinda just wanna congratulate her

Wyatt: 🙂

Marlow: Roz says Hollander’s like next level at sucking dick. Is that something?

Hayden: Guys we can’t post any of this. Shane will actually kill us. Then he would find a way to resurrect us just to kill us again.

Marlow: Idk, don’t you think he’d be flattered to learn that Roz says he “deserves a Stanley Cup just for sucking dick”

Hayden: No, I think he’d crawl into a sewer grate and only emerge to play hockey

Connors: That would make Roz and his dick sad for sure

Connors: I saw him sexting “Jane” once and he was saying all this shit about eating Hollander’s ass

Connors: Like “After I win tonight, I will eat your ass til you cry. You will only get my dick if you beg for it”

Carter: Oh damn!!!

Bood: Vaughany I can tell you’ve never been on a team with either of them because I didn't even blink at that

J.J.: Literally!

Carter: Lol I have at all stars! Last year I decided to sneak into the pool after hours but they apparently had the same idea and were making good use of it…I just walked away very slowly

Carter: I didn’t think they saw me, but right before I turned, Roz made eye contact with me and winked

Bood: Of course he did

Marlow: He’s such an exhibitionist freak. I swear he fucked girls at clubs more than he actually took them home

Bood: Holly is a WAY bigger exhibitionist

Marlow: No shit, really?

Dykstra: Yup

Bood: He’s pretty reserved during games but get 3 drinks in that man and he’ll give you dinner and a show every time

J.J.: Aww he's come so far

Bood: He really has! They barely touched each other for most of Holly’s first season but now I’ve walked in on them fucking in like 3 separate club bathrooms

Marlow: It’s nice that Roz is still hooking up in club bathrooms even as an old married broad. Some things never change

Dykstra: I feel like the fuckboy slut lives on, it’s just all directed at Holly

Connors: That’s love man

Hayden: Are we just gonna gossip all day? Or are we gonna help Shane?

Marlow: Oh don’t act like you’re not eating this up, Pike

Wyatt: Hayden’s right. We should get this hashtag going before it escalates more. Any ideas?

Hayden: I hate to say this but Rozanov’s hashtag was decent. What if we flipped it? #RateShane and we all post something positive about him. His game play, friendship, etc

Wyatt: So sort of like the “ten out of ten” trend the gay WAGs did?

Carter: FYI, SAPs is a more inclusive term for WAGs 😊 spouses and partners

Wyatt: Got it, thanks! Harris always says “gay WAGs”

Bood: Yeah that’s in their group chat name but I think it’s a joke 

Connors: I like SAP. Like a tree.

Carter: Sure!

Hayden: Yes, like that except we’d all be rating Shane since the scandal has devolved to being just about him

J.J.: And also because you miss Shane and you’re obsessed with him

Hayden: I wouldn’t say obsessed

J.J.: You literally keep a picture of him in your wallet

Hayden: For luck!

Marlow: Wait do you actually have a picture of him in your wallet?

Hayden: I traveled with him for a decade! It seemed like it would be bad luck to just stop

J.J.: Sure. That’s why.

Connors: Huh, that’s sound logic. I’m gonna put a picture of Rozy in my wallet

Marlow: Look what you’ve started, Pike

Hayden: Why do you care?!

Marlow: Do you have any idea how annoying Roz will be if he finds out Boston is fucking toting around little photos of him?

Hayden: Oh God, you’re right

Connors: What do you guys think of this one for my wallet? 

Connors: [image attached, tap to download]

J.J.: That’s certainly a choice 

Marlow: WHY WOULD YOU CHOOSE A PICTURE OF HIM SHIRTLESS?

Connors: I like how serious he looks

Marlow: You know, maybe you should seduce that John guy after all. Might open your eyes to some things…

Bood: Who’s John? 👀

Wyatt: Oh sorry Connors, I thought you were straight. I shouldn’t have assumed

Connors: I am, you’re good 😊

Marlow: Suuuure

Marlow: And John’s the guy who started this whole trend by rating Hollander. Roz wanted us to either kill him or seduce him and leave him at the alter

Bood: OF COURSE he did 

Dykstra: And here I was wondering how that guy was still alive

Marlow: Roz is on it 

Wyatt: Okay so are we all on board with #RateShane?

Hayden: Yup

J.J.: Sure!

Dykstra: Sounds good

Marlow: I doubt we’ll be able to think up anything better, so I’m down 

Connors: 👍

Connors:  I ordered the picture in a wallet size. Got an extra for you Marly!

Marlow: Literally why 

Wyatt "Hazy" Hayes ✔️ @Wyatt_Hayes 

When @ShaneHollander24 was shooting at my net, I’d give him a 1/10. But now that he’s my teammate and one of my best friends? He’s easily a 10/10. Sorry (not sorry) to every other goalie in the league 😎 #RateShane

nadia 🌈 @hazyhayess 

Wait is Wyatt Hayes saying he fucked Shane too? What is happening?

Chiron's Third Dad @centaurtrashh 

No I think he’s just ranking his hockey and friendship skills? Idk, I don’t claim to understand these men

nadia 🌈 @hazyhayess 

I guess he must be, there’s no picture with @HaydenPikeHockey

Evan Dykstra ✔️ @EvanDykstraOfficial 

I’ll be honest: I was totally caught off guard by how down to earth @ShaneHollander24 is. It shouldn’t be possible for the best hockey player of a generation (or dare I say every generation) but he really is grounded as hell! He gets a 9/10 in my book…it would be a 10 but he hates my music :( #RateShane

Zane Boodram ✔️ @ZaneBoodHockey 

We literally all hate your music

Evan Dykstra ✔️ @EvanDykstraOfficial 

Yeah but he doesn’t even listen to music!!!

Shane Hollander ✔️ @ShaneHollander24 

It’s very clangy and loud. Also, what is this hashtag? What’s happening?

J.J. Boiziau ✔️ @JJBoiziau 

@ShaneHollander24 is a legend, a hilarious guy, and the best buddy I could ask for. Do I even have to say it? He’s a 24/10, baby! #RateShane

Shane Hollander ✔️ @ShaneHollander24 

Thanks. I’m not sure where this hashtag came from? But I appreciate the love. Miss you, man

trace @hollanovweddingofficiant 

I’m laughing so hard at him cropping Pike out of his pictures. Is this considered a “no homo”?

Louis @louishockeytrash 

That but also the group Cup pic where he blurred out Comeau and Drapeau’s face…I didn't know it was possible for straight men to be as messy as Pike and Boiziau lol

Connor Connors ✔️ @ConnorSquared

Shane “eleven out of ten” Hollander is the fucking GOOOOAT!!! #RateShane

Cliff Marlow ✔️ @CliffMarlowHockey 

Dude seriously where do you even find these pictures? And why? There are so many pictures of him clothed, did you really have to post not one but FOUR where he’s shirtless? 

Connor Connors ✔️ @ConnorSquared

He has a nice smile in them 😄

Carter Vaughan ✔️ @CarterVaughanHockey 

I’ve played against Hollander for years, and I know it might seem strange to say about my competitor, but he really is a 10/10 through and through! Just a class act and a rare talent. It’s an honor to meet him on the ice and off of it #RateShane

Scott Hunter ✔️ @ScottHunterOfficial 

Wait what’s happening? You started a hashtag? Why did you do that?

kyle swift love bot @scottcunterr 

Aww not Hunter’s teammate stealing his job! It’s always the ones closest to you…

Cliff Marlow ✔️ @CliffMarlowHockey 

@ShaneHollander24 gets an 8/10 in my book. Sorry man, I’ve gotta knock 2 points off since you took my bestie @IlyaRozanovWins from me! #RateShane 

Ilya Rozanov ✔️ @IlyaRozanovWins 

What is happening? What is #RateShane? And why did you give him an 8? Do you want me to kill you?

Cliff Marlow ✔️ @CliffMarlowHockey 

It’s a new trend to give your husband some love! Get on it Roz

Ilya Rozanov ✔️ @IlyaRozanovWins 

Hmmm

Ilya Rozanov ✔️ @IlyaRozanovWins 

Let this weekend be a reminder: not everything you read on the internet is true. For example, @ShaneHollander24 is a 10000000/10 from his heart to his hole. Evidence I am speaking from experience below.

eli @elistwistedmind 

The way I really thought he was gonna post a hole pic on main for a sec and started jumping up and down…but honestly this might be even better lmfao

charlie @shaneholeander 

Disagree. Nothing on earth is better than a Shane Hollander hole pic would be

Hayden Pike ✔️ @HaydenPikeHockey 

WTF seriously? You have to have a better picture with me! Like it must have taken actual effort to find one where I’m blinking AND my mouth’s open

Ilya Rozanov ✔️ @IlyaRozanovWins 

How about this one?

Hayden Pike ✔️ @HaydenPikeHockey 

DELETE THIS. DELETE IT NOW!!

Cliff Marlow ✔️ @CliffMarlowHockey 

DUUUDE why tf are you wearing a dick costume?

Hayden Pike ✔️ @HaydenPikeHockey 

I was dressed as a magic wand! It was for my kid’s birthday party. Don’t be weird about it.

Cliff Marlow ✔️ @CliffMarlowHockey 

I see no children, I just see you dressed as a giant penis

Ilya Rozanov ✔️ @IlyaRozanovWins 

It’s always nice when you get to dress like your true self))

Hayden Pike ✔️ @HaydenPikeHockey 

Missing my 10/10 best friend today and everyday!! If you’re gonna #RateShane, you may as well be honest about the fact that he’s the best of the fucking best!!!

dean 🏒 @deanmachine 

LMFAO WHAT ARE THESE PHOTOS why are you like mewing in all of them

Ilya Rozanov ✔️ @IlyaRozanovWins 

Pike. I know it's very easy for you to do but stop embarrassing yourself.

David Hollander @DavidHollander2481 

Well, I’m probably biased but I think @ShaneHollander24 is a hundred out of ten 🙂 I’m so proud to be his father today and everyday! He always finds new ways to astound me. 

David Hollander @DavidHollander2481 

Oh, I forgot the hashtag! #RateShane #ILoveShaneHollander

Shane Hollander ✔️ @ShaneHollander24 

Thanks Dad. Please, please get off the internet for at least 48 hours. Maybe 72 just in case.

David Hollander @DavidHollander2481 

Okay 👍 I promise this doesn’t phase me though kiddo. Some of the women I was with before your mother would probably rate me even lower. 😬 Luckily your mother says I’m a 10 and as we know, that’s all that matters. 😀

Ilya Rozanov ✔️ @IlyaRozanovWins 

Give yourself some credit, David!! I have seen the pictures, I know you were a fox at McGill

David Hollander @DavidHollander2481 

Aww shucks 😀

Shane Hollander ✔️ @ShaneHollander24 

Never mind, you’re both banned from social media for a whole week

David Hollander @DavidHollander2481 

😕

Ilya Rozanov ✔️ @IlyaRozanovWins 

😕

Rose Landry 🌹✔️ @RoseLandry 

I guess I should hop on this trend?! @ShaneHollander24 is a total ten and one of the best people I’ve ever had the privilege of knowing and loving. I’m so very glad I had the courage to come out for him :) #RateShane

NOTICE ME ROSE @slutz4roselanddry

THE WEDDING PIC OF HER AND PIKE AJSDJDS I can’t, funniest woman aliveeee 

Shane Hollander ✔️ @ShaneHollander24 

Thanks. I’m glad too. What exactly is this trend though?

Zane Boodram ✔️ @ZaneBoodHockey 

It was an idea from @Wyatt_Hayes and @HaydenPikeHockey to give you some love and positivity!!

Shane Hollander ✔️ @ShaneHollander24 

That’s a nice thought but isn’t it just kind of making everyone continue to discuss and rate me?

Hayden Pike ✔️ @HaydenPikeHockey 

Oh shit

Wyatt "Hazy" Hayes ✔️ @Wyatt_Hayes 

Ya know, I think maybe the A squad needs to go into early retirement

The Unholy Trinity

Hayden: Sooo after much pestering, begging, and promises for doggy style, I got some veeeery interesting information from Jackie

Shane: Oh no

Hayden: Oh yes!

J.J.: Bribing your wife with doggy style is crazy 😂

Hayden: Hey, Shane apparently bribes Rozanov with sexual favors all the time

J.J.: Is that supposed to surprise me? Are we forgetting the part where I witnessed a BJ in a literal bush? They were both in the bush too. It seemed thorny

Hayden: But that’s not even the craziest place they’ve had sex!

J.J.: Oooh 👀

Shane: This is my hell. I’m throwing my phone in the toilet 

Hayden: Wait I have questions because I don’t get how sex in a kayak would even work

J.J.: Handjobs?

Hayden: Oh maybe

J.J.: Is any of this really that surprising to you though Hayd?

Hayden: YES???

J.J.: Idk it just seemed clear to me that they were getting freaky. I’m not sure anything could really shock me

Hayden: What if I told you Shane was wearing a butt plug that Rozanov controlled the vibrations of at the last NHL awards? And yes that means the 2 hour cocktail hour and his own 5 minute speech

J.J.: SHANE???

Shane: I need new friends 

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