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It had only been a few weeks since the season started, and it was only the fourth game Shane played with the Cantaurs. He was loving having the extra time with Ilya, loving not being hidden anymore and being able to act like all other couples did. What he didn’t love, was how everyone expected them to lose.
Ilya had done a great job the year before, and they were starting to win more, suck less. And now, with Shane on the team as well, they were slowly inching forward to eventually becoming one of the most feared teams in the NHL, but still, Shane didn’t like losing. He didn’t like feeling upset at his own team for their performance and he certainly did not like not being the captain.
Ilya, on the other hand, was ecstatic. Every day, he woke up next to his Shane, usually cuddled up on his side, and he got to wake up and drive to practice together. They got to have the rest of their lives together. No matter what.
Ilya was happy to be the captain, and he wanted Shane as his alternate. He had asked him to be. Shane had insisted he had to earn it.
“You are Shane Hollander. You have earned it. If I was not here, you would be captain immediately,” Ilya had said one night. It hadn’t worked. So now Ilya was captain and Shane was, well, a regular player. Sometimes he would be Ilya’s wing, sometimes he would be the second line’s center. Either way, Ilya loved it.
What he loved equally, maybe even more, was how much his team trusted him. He had been captain for years before joining Ottawa, he had so much experience, he had seen so many rookies and teammates come and go. But he had never had such a harmonious team. They were all friends, they knew and supported each other, and the top lines often hung out together after games. Rookies idolised him and even the more experienced players had a lot of respect for him. Gladly, that hadn’t changed after he came out and after his relationship was leaked.
What Ilya loved the most, though, were the rookies.
If he hadn’t just moved in with Shane, he would’ve taken one in. He just didn’t want to traumatise any 20 year old boy.
He liked to think he would be good at it. He knew how it felt to be alone in a foreign place, he knew how hard it was to learn a new language and become an adult so suddenly. But he was better at loving Shane. So he was more than fine with their current situation.
- - -
They were currently in Florida. They had just played a game against Tampa Bay and won in overtime, with Shane scoring his first goal of the season. Suddenly, he didn’t feel as bad anymore. He didn’t feel like he missed out on the good hockey he was playing with the Metros anymore. They could go fuck themselves.
They had all made their ways back to the locker room, buzzing and cheering. Ilya was the last one to walk in, patting on the back every player he found on his way to his cubby and ruffling Luca’s hair before sitting down.
Shane was still being cheered loudly and Ilya was looking proudly at his team loudly loving his boyfriend.
It didn’t take the team long to get out of their gear, into the showers, and back into their clothes. They chose a bar and decided they would all meet there to celebrate.
Most players were gone by the time Ilya was free of media and captain duty and in the showers. Some younger players were making different plans in a corner of the locker room, or trying to find a way to get into the bar with the rest of the team to avoid not being let in. Troy was sitting, looking down at his phone and texting someone, probably Harris. Shane was packing his gear, slowly, just trying to lose some time while waiting for Ilya.
“Hollzy,” Troy’s voice broke the silence, “Feels good, huh?”
Shane looked up at him, “What?”
“Scoring, after being traded.”
Shane wasn’t sure if Troy was taking the piss or if he was being genuine, but he guessed Troy would know how it feels, “yeah… I mean– I wasn’t traded, not like you anyways.”
“Yeah. I guess. Feels good, though, doesn’t it. Makes you believe in yourself again.”
Shane smiled, Troy was right. It did feel good. He nodded, “yes. It does,” it felt like he wasn’t saying enough, like Troy was trying to start a conversation he wasn’t fully picking up, “Bet it felt better for you, though. I was keeping up with your first games here and– well, not your best.”
Troy chuckled, “I was angry, at Dallas, at myself for being so shitty for all those years. And at this team for being so shit too. Then I got to know them. And to score,” he laughed again, “and I don’t feel so bad anymore.”
Shane nodded, “Same. It’s definitely going to be a long process, but I think we can win cups, at some point at least.”
“Oh, I’m sure of it. We have you and Roz, we’ll be unbeatable soon,” he smiled.
“And you,” Shane wasn’t one for big speeches like Ilya was, but if there was something he had learned from being captain is that the most important thing is that everyone should believe in the whole team, themselves included, “And Wyatt is an amazing goalie. We got some great rookies too.”
Troy just nodded and slung his bag over his shoulder, “See you at the bar?”
“Yeah,” he smiled again before moving to Ilya’s cubby to start putting away his stuff too, the sooner they could leave the better.
- - -
They didn’t spend long at the bar.
It started as just a few drinks. Ilya, Shane, Troy, Bood and Wyatt were sitting at a table, nursing a beer and chatting about whatever came to mind. Bood mentioned how his son was reaching some milestone no one else knew anything about, Shane mentioned some hockey statistics giving the rest of the group something they knew how to talk about. It wasn’t until later that Ilya mentioned the younger guys, wondering where they were.
Luca wasn’t a rookie anymore, technically, but Ilya wasn’t ready to let the nickname go, so he would be a rookie until he decided he wasn’t. That always made the whole team laugh. And Luca blush furiously.
After making sure the rookies were back in the hotel safely, they allowed themselves to lean back and fall in a comfortable silence as they looked at the rest of the team, laughing and having fun. It was a sight that always made Ilya somewhat proud. That was his team, in a way, and they were great.
About a couple of hours later, they left the bar, Shane and Ilya sharing a taxi with Troy. They walked inside of their hotel just before their phones pinged with a weather warning. It was going to storm. In Florida. Ilya was already annoyed.
He had never told anyone. Maybe Svetlana, years ago, but definitely not Shane.
Thunderstorms weren’t as common in Canada, so he never really had the chance to tell him. He had been pretty lucky until now. The only few times it had happened while they were together it had been at the cottage, and Shane was already asleep by the time it got bad.
Ilya, on the other hand, had spent the night awake, trying to be as still and as silent as possible while also praying the storm would pass.
It was embarrassing, really, to be scared of something so stupid, at his age.
He had always been scared. He can remember sneaking in his parents’ bedroom silently when it got bad, he would lay down next to his mom just enough to calm down. She would stroke his hair softly and put a hand on his right ear, the one facing up as he laid on his left side. He knew he couldn’t stay in her bed all night long. He had to leave before his dad woke up, so he would soak up as much love and warmth as he could before tip-toeing back into his bed, folding his pillow around his head.
When they walked into their hotel room Ilya was quick to allow Shane to get ready for bed first. It wasn’t raining yet and he would need the distraction when it eventually started. He could tell that Shane was weirded out about his behaviour, especially because they had won, and drank, and he expected Ilya to be on him the moment they walked into the door. He had been touchy all night, and now he was being weird.
Shane did get ready. About ten minutes later he was laying in bed in one of Ilya’s tshirts. It was Ilya’s favourite view, but he couldn’t tear his eyes away from the window.
It was starting to drizzle, that wasn’t a problem. Ilya actually loved rain. The darkness that came with it somewhat reminded him of home, the problem was the loudness and sudden noise of a thunderstorm. He hated that.
He stood up from where he was awkwardly sitting on the bed and made his way to the bathroom.
“Ilya…” Shane’s voice cut through the silence.
“Yes?”
“Is everything ok?” He sounded confused, and mildly worried, “You’re acting weird.”
Ilya’s head peaked out of the bathroom door, “Yes. I am ok. Just tired. Sorry, long game.”
“Is it your shoulder?”
Ilya had taken a hard hit during the game earlier, he didn’t think anyone had noticed, but of course Shane did, “My shoulder is fine, Shane. I promise.”
“If you’re sure,” Shane shrugged and sat back against the bed frame, grabbing his book and glasses. Now, that was an even better view. Maybe he could forget about the storm if he was inside of Shane. Maybe that was the cure.
They would never know. Because by the time Ilya was done getting ready for bed, the storm had become the loudest thing he’d ever heard. They were at the top of the building, which made it worse too. He could control himself around Canadian storms, he could not, for the life of him, feel okay in a tropical storm.
He laid down, trying his best to be nonchalant. Shane kept reading, which must mean he was acting normal enough.
That was the case until Shane put down his book and turned the light off. That made the sway of the building feel like he was on a boat, the lightning would occasionally light up the room, and the roar of the thunder was starting to get closer and closer. He tried to breathe. “You’re 30 years old Ilya. Stop this nonsense,” was all he could tell himself as the noise started moving towards their building.
When the lightning illuminated the room again, Ilya tensed, waiting for the inevitable loud rumble that would shake the windows soon.
This time, Shane noticed. He was confused at first, when he felt the mattress move under them from Ilya’s tensing. Then he saw his boyfriend’s face, a scared expression schooled into a more neutral look. But he knew his eyes. He could read them so well by now, that he knew something was wrong. He scooted closer, trying to make Ilya look at him, trying to figure out what was wrong.
“Hey… What is it? Talk to me,” Shane’s voice was so soft, so warm.
Ilya could almost picture himself admitting it, just letting Shane hold him. He knew he wouldn’t make fun of him. At least not tonight. But he couldn’t bring himself to say it. So he just shook his head and laid down under the sheets, hoping he could turn off his hearing and just sleep.
Shane wasn’t going to let it go. Something was wrong. He knew it. “Ilya. Baby…”
Ilya couldn’t ignore that. The pet name. Baby. Because it was true. He was his baby. So maybe he was allowed to lean on him, maybe he could tell him what was wrong, and seek the comfort he craved.
He had his eyes shut and his face almost completely pressed against the pillow, so he didn’t see the next lighting. Which would’ve been great. If it didn’t mean he didn’t see the thunder coming.
He flinched so hard his body almost lifted from the mattress. Shane understood.
“Oh, Ilya,” he said it so gently, like he was speaking to a child, or a scared puppy. Or maybe both. At the same time, “Come here, sweetheart. It’s ok.”
Ilya obeyed immediately, finding shelter in Shane’s arms. It felt nice. For a moment it was all he could ask for, all he would ever need. Until the storm picked up more. The roar could now be heard every few seconds, and the wind was getting worse. He realised he was holding the fabric of Shane’s shirt in his fists. His body was tense, tightly wrapped around Shane. Hoping this would pass fast.
Shane tried to convince him to close his eyes, to try to go to sleep. But he couldn’t. He really couldn’t.
“It is too loud, Shane.” His voice was pathetically shaky and Shane found it incredibly endearing.
After some more convincing, an idea popped into Shane’s brain. He laid down better, letting Ilya lay his head on his arm.
Now with his arm between Ilya’s head and shoulders, he pulled him in closer, stroking his back with his hand for a second before moving it on his left ear. The one facing up as he laid on his right side.
For a moment Ilya felt peace. He felt the type of calm and safeness he had only ever felt in his mother’s arms. Then Shane’s other hand started stroking his hair. Ilya almost cried.
“You’re safe. It’s all good. You’re ok.” Shane kept repeating those words over and over again. It reminded Ilya of all the times he had made Shane repeat what he was saying when he freaked out. So, out of fairness, he did the same.
“I am safe. I am ok.” The words were starting to sound slurred, his accent stronger.
“Good job,” Shane kissed the top of his head tenderly. “If you scoot down a bit you can have your other ear on my arm, baby. It might help,” Shane’s voice was so soft, and Ilya was almost asleep.
“No. Is ok. Mama has the other one.”
Shane wasn’t sure of what that meant, he was just glad Ilya was finally falling asleep.
He mumbled something again, close to a “thank you,” probably half in Russian. Then he fell asleep.
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Luca was staring at the ceiling of his hotel room. Flinching every time lightning scorched the night sky, knowing what would come next. He had tried everything, he had actually taken two melatonin gummies when he had received the notification for the weather alert. They hadn’t worked, almost at all. And now he was laying terrified, in bed, in a hotel, thousands of miles away from home, and in a place he had barely ever seen before.
He would usually share the room with Young or Holmberg. This time the team had an extra room, and he had decided he could spend the extra money to have a night alone in a fancy hotel room. He had great plans actually. He had seen a small bottle of vodka that he had been waiting to get back to for the whole night. He had spent about an hour in one of the other rookie’s rooms, just chatting and playing with someone’s Nintendo Switch. It had been fun, really. It had felt like a school trip. Like they were just four kids having some simple fun for one night. And as young people do, Luca was happy to have the room to himself later that night. He had imagined jerking off while looking at the ocean was going to be a great experience. Except now he couldn’t see the ocean anymore. Because all he could see were low clouds.
It was about midnight in Tampa, which meant it was about 6AM in Switzerland. He had thought about calling his mom, maybe stay on the phone for a while, but it was a Saturday and he didn’t want to wake her up for nothing.
He was really trying. He was trying so hard to be brave.
He had debated texting the other guys to see if they were still awake. Maybe another game of Mario Kart would’ve distracted him enough to calm down and go to sleep. But what if it didn’t work. What if he walked in Holmberg’s room and flinched in front of them. They would’ve never let him forget it.
Another shake of the windows, another sway of the building.
He hated it. He was genuinely scared. That fear that catches in your stomach and doesn’t let you breathe. That fear that makes it hard to breathe deeply, that makes you stop thinking rationally.
And that fear that, apparently, makes you walk to your captain’s room at midnight.
Luca had laid in the dark for too long, and Ilya had always told him he could bother him any time if anything was wrong.
“If something is bothering you, you come to me, ok bud? We fix it,” Ilya had said multiple times since Luca had joined the team.
He had never done it. He guessed Ilya was just being nice, just playing his role of captain. And Luca was also extremely intimidated by playing with his childhood idol. It was adorable to everyone, but incredibly embarrassing for Luca.
But now, more than a year after getting drafted, he was starting to be closer to the other players, Ilya included. So for tonight, he’d take the offer and knock on his door.
- - -
When the first soft knock came Shane almost cursed out loud. Ilya had just fallen asleep. He thought about ignoring it, maybe whoever it was would leave.
A second knock made him change his mind. The most important thing was keeping Ilya asleep. So he untangled himself from him and slowly made his way to the door.
Luca was about to leave after knocking for a second time. Ilya was probably sleeping already, with Shane next to him most likely. And he was ruining their night.
He was genuinely turning around to leave when the door opened, revealing a tired, disheveled Hollander standing confused at the sight of him.
“Um… Fuck. This feels really stupid now,” Luca looked everywhere but at the man standing in front of him, “I thought– I came here for Roz, but if he’s already asleep I can leave.”
Shane still looked incredibly confused, but he had schooled his expression in a more controlled one, “Luca, you’ve never once asked for anything, and you’re now here at midnight,” he tilted his head and Luca suddenly understood what Ilya meant when he said he looked like a kitten. “I might not be Ilya but I can tell when something is wrong.”
“I didn’t mean to ruin your night.”
“I know, and Ilya is sleeping so you’re not ruining anything.”
Oh shit, Ilya was sleeping and he was going to wake him up, and everyone would hate him. “Oh, I’m sorry. I can leave. I’ll deal with it.”
Luca was already walking away when Shane grabbed his arm, “Luca. What’s wrong?”
He sighed. It was so stupid, “It’s dumb, ridiculous even,”
“Have you met Ilya? I deal with ridiculous every day. C’mon.”
He had to say something, so he swallowed past the fear in his throat and spit it out, “I’m scared of storms.”
Shane laughed. He felt terrible immediately after, but he laughed. And now Luca was looking at him like a puppy that had just been kicked. “I’m sorry. I’m not laughing at you,”
“You aren’t?”
“No. No, of course not. I’m sorry, I just had this same exact conversation half an hour ago. Come in.”
Luca walked into the dark room and glanced around. The space was divided in two, a wall separating the bed from the rest of the room.
“What do you mean? You had this conversation earlier. Who’s scared of– Oh”
Shane smiled and waved a hand towards the leather couch, “I don’t want to wake him up, because it took him a while to fall asleep,” Shane kept his voice as quiet and soft as possible. He also kept his words easy and clear, he knew how difficult it was to focus while scared, and even if Luca’s english was amazing, it still wasn’t his first language, so he guessed it was even harder.
“Yes. Of course. I just– Fuck, I’m sorry”
“Stop apologising. You’re scared, it’s ok. You did the right thing, ok? Coming here was the right thing, we need you rested for tomorrow night.”
Luca was still looking out of the window, flinching at every thunder, he nodded. “Thanks.”
Shane didn’t really know what to do, or how to help.
“Shane?” Ilya’s shaky voice broke the silence. Both of them jumped at the sudden noise.
Shane swore under his breath and sat up from the couch. Luca didn’t know what to do, so he stayed put, awkwardly fidgeting with his hands on his lap.
“I’m here,” Shane reassured Ilya, “Luca is here, I think you should talk to him.”
He could hear the noise of sheets moving, then his captain appeared in the small living space of the hotel room. In nothing more than a pair of sweatpants.
The three of them all looked really confused. Until Ilya sat down next to Luca, and executed his job perfectly.
“Shane told me you’re scared of storm,” his hand resting on Luca’s knee.
He nodded, the words lodged in his throat.
“Is ok. I am too. That is why you were lucky to find me asleep and not inside Shane,” he laughed. He was feeling better now that he had something to focus on other than the loud rumble coming from outside.
“Ilya!”
“What? Is true.”
“Do you need to traumatise him even more?”
Luca just waved it off, “I was already worried about it when I knocked. Believe me, I’m as relieved as you are.”
They all let out half laughs before going serious again.
“I just can’t sleep. And you always said I could come to you if– If I needed it,” Luca’s voice was low, he was staring at the floor.
“Yes, Luca, you should come to me when something is wrong. I am captain, so I am like mama duck with her ducklings.”
Both Shane and Luca decided to ignore that.
“I don’t know what I expect you to do, honestly. It’s not like you can turn off the storm,” Luca huffed out another laugh, but this time it was more wet, less real. The lack of sleep and the frustration of being scared was starting to take a toll on him, making it harder to hold back tears.
“I have an idea,” Ilya looked at Shane briefly, “We have a big bed. Yeah? Space for three people, right Shane?”
Shane smiled knowingly, “Yes. Yes, we do.”
Luca finally looked up, scared and confused, “No. I can’t ask you that.”
“You are not asking. I am telling you I have cure for you.”
It took some convincing, but eventually Luca laid in bed with the two best players in the NHL. It was insane, really.
Shane was the one on the side closest to the wall, Ilya was in the middle, and Luca was laying with his back facing Ilya’s chest.
Ilya slid an arm under Luca’s neck, then he placed his hand on his free ear. Exactly like his mom used to do. Luca thanked him, too busy falling asleep to realise how embarrassing this really was. He didn’t care.
Shane laid down better behind Ilya, reassuming the earlier position. His chest was touching Ilya’s back, their bodies slotting together perfectly.
He traced Ilya’s jaw with a finger, “You’re so good at taking care of them.”
Ilya shrugged, “Is my job.”
“And you’re so brave. I know you’re scared too. So you don’t have to worry now. I’ve got you,” His voice was making Ilya fall asleep again.
Shane placed a small kiss behind his ear, then on it, before placing his hand on it again, “I love you, baby. Sweet dreams.”
Ilya fell asleep before he could say it back. But Shane knew it anyway.
He fell asleep last for once. Making sure Luca was comfortable too before letting himself follow Ilya in the dream land.