Archive of Our Own

Stupid Fucking Idiots + Shane

One of my students just commented (late) on the discussion board and he seems absolutely insufferable.

I bet he thinks he’s going to cruise through this class. Probably thinks C’s Get Degrees.

Hayden
i cruised through a lot of classes with that mentality

Rose
same

I feel sorry for your professors.

For having to put up with your bullshit.

Hayden
er excuse you

Rose
we're fucking delights

Debatable.

Svetlana

my gsi seems boring
and is montreal fan. terrible.

Montreal isn’t doing so bad this season
Better than Boston.

ugh don’t remind me.
drinks tn?

...
See you tonight

Svetlana

urgent.
crisis
HELP

ilyusha i’m in fucking lab rn what do you want

boring gsi is hot
has glasses
and freckles

Jesus Fucking Christ
Keep it in your pants, you fucking animal.


I hope you die a very slow and painful death.

Svetlana

Svet.
Help.

Oh no autocaps I'm scared

He is in a compression shirt.

I hate that I know who “he” is even without context.
I would say he has you under lock and key but he probably hardly knows your name.

unsure of how to get his attention.
have tried wearing my slut outfit.

Can you not
Also, to class?
That shirt is obscene it’s basically a scrap of fabric.

😈
has not worked though
👿

Have you tried paying attention in class and doing your work?

do you have a method that doesn’t involve that.

He’s your fucking teacher Ilyusha.

mhm yeas i do want to be fucking my teacher. yum

I hope you get alcohol poisoning and die on the street.

wait don’t stop i’m close

Stupid Fucking Idiots + Shane

Okay so. Remember that student who I predicted wouldn’t try at all despite this being an upper-division intensive course?

Hayden
yeah what about him

He’s sorta…

Rose
you gotta help us out here man

Hayden
full sentences would help

Attractive.

Hayden
YOOOOOOOOOO

Rose
HELLLLOOOOOOOOooOOO

Hayden
BROOOOOOO THANK GOD

Rose
I THOUGHT YOUR DICK WAS BROKEN WITH HOW LITTLE PLAY YOU’VE BEEN GETTING

?
Not too much now.

Hayden
U GOTTA TAP THAT
FOR THE SAKE OF OUR SANITY

If, and a very STRONG IF, I was going to “tap that,” it would definitely never, ever, be for YOUR sakes.

Hayden
if it helps you let loose a little then it would definitely benefit us

Rose
you need to get fucking laid shane like that ass hasn’t been pounded in too long i’m afraid for your hole health

What the fuck is wrong with you people?
You are so vulgar.

Hayden
PLEEASEEE FOR ME PLEASSEE GO GET SOME DICK

Rose
did you even try downloading Grindr?

I’ve tried so hard to erase that conversation from my memory.

Rose
girl please

Hayden
get your dick wet get your hole smashed just anything to stop you from forcing us to do suicides again

Just for that, you’re doing suicides at practice tomorrow.

Hayden
DUUUUUUUDE

Cliff

yo
what time is that gig tmr

10
u gotta get there at 8 for setup tho

shit
got a paper due at 1159 tmr

have u started it yet

what do you think

ok
get an extension then

i want my gsi to like me

oh is this the gsi you can’t stop fucking whining about

whining?
watch your fucking words marly

if the shoe fits
just say your cat died or something get some pity points

i don't have a cat

and does he know this?

hm.
ok will email

sick
also pls try and lay off the hard techno russian shit they don’t like it as much out here

i will play what i want to play
or i won't play at all

just saying i don’t think u wnat a repeat of two weeks ago

was fun
people are funny when mad

whatever dude your loss

Svetlana

shhhiiiiiittttt
svet i’m fUcked up

Svetlana, how are you?
Svetlana, I heard your paper got published, how great!
Svetlana, I appreciate you as a friend!

svetlana i need to fuck shane hollander

Jesus christ Ilya if you don’t make a move on this man i will come over there and shoot you.
I’m sick of your whining. Rejection would do you some good.

I DON”T FUCKIMG WHINEEEEEE
ok i will email him now.

???!??!?!?!! DONT DO TTHAT OH M YGOD

sent :)

If you get expelled tell your father I had nothing to do with this.

Stupid Fucking Idiots + Shane

Got the strangest email from that student.


Hayden
DUDUUUUUDEEEEEEE

Rose
TEXT HIM TEXT HIM TEXT HIM TEXGT HIM TEXTH IM

No. I can’t do that. I’m still his instructor. There are rules.

Hayden
man FUCK THOSE RULES

Rose
how hot is he, scale 1-10

See for yourself. I found his Instagram.


Hayden
DUDUUUUUDEEEEEEE

Rose
OHHH MYYGOD !!!!
SHANE!!!!

Hayden
not even gay but i’d tap that so fucking fast

Jesus Christ Hayden

Hayden
do it for me?
i'll give you 20 bucks

I’m not taking your fucking money Pike

Rose
we’ll buy you those skates you’ve been eyeing.

...
Deadass?

Hayden
DEAD. FUCKING. ASS.

Fine. Just a text.

Shane

Hello.
This is Shane.

WOOOOAHAHHTTTT
THAT WORKEDDDD?D??!?!?!?!??!


What does this mean?

i’m going to eat you
om nom nom nom

Okay this was a mistake

NO NONONONONONONONONON
COME BACK MR. HOLLANDER PLEASE pLEASE PLESe

Are you drunk?

Ha. No.
Me? Drunk? I would never.
Would sober me be able to do this?
[Voice Recording: 15 sec. Transcription: Shane! I can sing Canadian anthem, listen. Oh Canada! Er. Next words….oh Canada! Oh Canada! Ha. Heh. See. [cough] I can sing national anthem. Am so, super sober. Yeah.]

Drunk*
And not even close to being right.
You're definitely drunk.
Text me in the morning.

I GET TO TEXT YOU?

Yes? You have my number now?


LIFE SO GOOD I COULD DIE NOW AND BE HAPPY FOREVER

Don't die.
Would be unfortunate.
So soon to your cat, too.

oh right
my cat
her name was Shanya
was so so cute
jus like yuo

Shanya....
What a coincidence.

BIG CONCIDENC

Okay, goodnight Ilya.

goodnightttt Мой милый маленький котёнок

My cute little kitten?

YOU SPEAK RUSSIAN???????????
Охренеть. Ты идеален.

Google Translate.
And I'm not perfect.

Иисус Христос. Ты меня убьёшь, Hollander.

Cliff

jesus christ my head is going to kill me

15 shots dude you’re a legend

oh no.
oh nbo poh no oh no hoononjk;nm,n

?

i texted him. my gsi.

oh duuuuuuude
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣



🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
LMFFAOOAOOOAOAOOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOOAOAOAOAOOAO


hope i dont wake up Tomorrow

Ilya's Probation Officers

Cliff
this is a group chat matter
ilya you are a fucking idiot

Svetlana
I'm intrigued

i’m going to jump off the nearest skyscraper

Svetlana
DO A FLIP

Cliff
do an instagram live

now you all joke but when youre at my funeral shit wont be funny.

Svetlana
Can you do an open casket so I can take selfies?

Cliff


wait
HE TEXTED MEFMEME EE
OGMOGMOGMGOMG
oh my godh e wants me so bad
i fucking won
I WONNWNWNWONWONWONW
I”M GONNA FUCK SHANE HOLLANDER RRRRRR RRRRRR

Svetlana

Shane

Good morning.
How's your head?

absolutely pounding

Take an aspirin and drink plenty of fluids!

oh there are definitely some fluids i want to drink


Huh?

Stupid Fucking Idiots + Shane

That student just told me "there are definitely some fluids i want to drink." What does he mean?

Rose
oh shane….

Hayden
DUUUDEJEFJKLHDFLKJHDJLKDGKL:SDFJ

Could either of you just answer my questions for once?

Rose


What could that possibly mean?

Hayden
oh my god bro he wants to fuck you

Oh. Really?

Rose
That got bro pussy wet 😂😂😂

Would it kill you to reply normally

Rose
yeah

Hayden
yeah

Shane

This is a bad idea.

what is

[Location Sent]

OH??????


Jesus Christ you're just like them

eta 11:30

Shane

what other snacks could you provide that would tempt me when you're the tastiest one there is?

Ilya.
Don't fuck around, especially around Scott.

why
is the old man homophobic
figures. he was old enough to vote against gay marriage.

ILYA.
You know that he’s gay.
You've literally met Kip.

no way they’re actually together
age gap wasn’t enough there had to be swag gap too

What on EARTH could that mean?

for phd student you are really not very smart

Do you need a reminder of your grade right now?

yes pls i like it when youre mean

You were one absence away from failing, Ilya. It’s not funny. You need to take this seriously.

mmmmfgh

Ilya. I’m being serious.

and i’m seriously horny
😊

I must’ve hit my head on something. There’s no way.



Yiu canft just sendthat

;)
i'm ten minutes away

Door's open. Motherfucker.