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Shane isn't, like, completely fucking stupid about dating and stuff, but he's also not exactly an expert, and nowhere has that been more obvious than when it comes to his thing with Rozanov. Ilya. Whatever.
See? Even that! They were Hollander and Rozanov and now suddenly it's Shane and Ilya. What's next, fucking engagement rings? But Ilya is still going out and hooking up, so obviously not. He told Shane himself that he likes hooking up! He's not planning on stopping! He asked if Shane liked girls, which was humiliating enough that it has kept Shane up at night for days for some reason. Because, yeah, obviously Shane likes girls. Obviously. Just because he likes doing stuff with Ilya and hasn't done anything with a girl since the first time Ilya touched him, it doesn't mean he doesn't like them. It just means he hasn't met the right one! Right?
The day Ilya first invites him to spend the night, he almost leaves early like three separate times, too overwhelmed by all the rule changes at once. Shane thrives when there are rules. He likes when someone tells him what to do in a clear, no-nonsense way. His favorite sport has always been hockey, but as a kid, he liked basically every team sport because of it. His teachers used to tell his parents Shane needs to work on being more independent. But then, if he'd try, and he would get something wrong, they'd stand up in front of the whole class and tell him what he got wrong, and Shane was always left feeling horrific about that. So it was easier to follow the rules exactly. Follow the script by observing the other kids and doing what they did without any deviation. He could deal with those occasional digs about how he should learn to think for himself far easier than he could deal with the sting of humiliation when getting it wrong.
Which is part of why the thing with Ilya is so confusing, but also part of why it makes so much fucking sense. Ilya tells him what to do. Ilya reaches out and texts him flirty things when he wants Shane to send (attempted) flirty things back. He says get on your knees and take off your clothes and he says I want you so fucking bad, and Shane, every time, is just awash in a glow of oh thank god someone's telling me what to do and also he's sucking my dick and letting me suck his? Why would I ever want anyone else?
And so when Ilya tells him I like girls. I hook up with girls, Shane files that away. He interprets it as you should hook up with girls too, because that’s normal, because that fits what we’re doing here.
After leaving Ilya's house, fucked out and blissful after so much time together, sort of proud of himself for pushing through several near panic attacks, he pulls over into some random Dunkin’ parking lot’ and googles friends with benefits reddit and starts clicking on every thread that pops up. Ilya hadn't exactly said it, but he'd said a couple of things about how he liked spending time with Shane outside of just hockey and fucking, and he said he liked hanging out with and fucking girls, and this morning he kept mentioning his friend Svetlana, who he apparently hangs out with and also fucks. Something was clearly different, that whole time, so outside the rules of their usual dynamic, like Ilya was pushing a little bit, reaching for more without defining exactly what it was.
But it's good, now that Shane has found some advice online, and now that he has had some time to process it. He actually does like hanging out with Ilya. He likes texting him. He thinks he's funny, and he thinks they're funny together. He always has more fun with Ilya than anyone else. They can be fun together and also fuck, right?
Like Shane always does when he doesn't understand something, he got a little defensive and annoyed and insistent that he knows what they have and doesn't need it explained, but of course he doesn't know what they have, and of course he would have been better off sitting Ilya down and saying “explain literally everything that's happening right now because I'm freaking the fuck out”, but he couldn't do it. He's such an asshole to himself about stuff like this. Always forces himself to just deal with it, because he’s too proud to admit that he doesn’t understand.
But…friends with benefits feels right. It feels like that was definitely what Ilya was looking for. And Shane can be cool about this. He can be normal about this. He can shove down every stupid part of him that's still confused and wants more and more and more from Ilya, because he knows that's not helpful, or realistic.
The thing with Rose Landry falls into his lap in a way that feels like the universe is doing him a solid. He's almost confused at how perfect it is, and he wonders if his mom somehow found out about Ilya and set it up, because he sometimes has a very outsized view of what his mom is capable of, managerially speaking.
He's not really thinking about Ilya when he meets Rose. Not in any real, tangible way, anyway. It's not like he's thinking a picture of us talking at this restaurant will be online and Ilya will see it and be reassured that I'm normal and definitely like girls, or anything. He's maybe, in the back of his mind, thinking about how Ilya is always out at clubs having fun, and he probably thinks Shane is just some fucking loser who never goes out anywhere, and maybe that's why he asked Shane about girls. And so maybe he has been overthinking that whole girls conversation, generally, but that's not really even about Ilya, except for the fact that Ilya is the person he's thinking about when he should be thinking about girls.
Rose is obviously beautiful, and she’s friendly in a soft way that doesn’t push or prod at him too much. She doesn’t make him nervous, which is shocking. He just immediately gets along with her in a way that’s fucking crazy for him.
He does like girls! He likes this girl!
He thinks briefly about giving it a real shot with her, or something, but it wouldn’t feel genuine. Not with the Ilya thing still hanging over him; there’s an unread text from Ilya burning a hole in his phone right now. And if he’s being honest with himself, he doesn’t think he wants to give it a shot with her. Not the kind of shot he probably should, anyway.
He finds a way to mention Ilya—or at least the fictional, female version of Ilya anyway—when she makes a few jokes about a recently ended secret situationship of her own that turned into a bit of a nightmare by the end.
“It's hard, having to keep things quiet,” he offers. “I'm sort of…I mean, it's not exclusive, and it's not serious. I don’t want to give you the wrong idea. But I get the whole casual, friends with benefits thing, and how awkward it can be. I have someone like that right now that I’ve been, uh. Talking to? For a while.”
“You don't really strike me as the casual type,” Rose says, and he falters a bit, because he can't tell what she means by that. “I mean, you're so sweet, honestly. You're so fun to talk to. I guess I just mean it's crazy that someone won't lock you down. Sorry. Is that weird to say?”
“No, I appreciate it,” Shane admits with a laugh. “Same to you, uh. Obviously.”
“Oh my god, you're so cute,” Rose says. “Okay. Tell me about yours and I'll tell you about mine. This is fun!”
Shane stumbles through a mostly-true story about Lily and how it's not serious, but it's a longer-lasting relationship than any he's ever had. He keeps saying, probably too much, about how Lily hooks up with other people all the time, so it's not a big deal, and that they're so casual, and that everything is fine. Rose tells him about how seethingly jealous she would find herself getting every time her last hookup would remind her that they were casual, and so Shane swallows down his shame and admits to the same, and it's sort of nice. Rose is encouraging, and she offers up pieces of herself so easily, which lets Shane know that it's okay to share the same kind of thing. At the end of the night, they've exchanged numbers, followed each other on basically every social media, and have solid plans to see each other again soon.
Shane feels bad for the relief he feels when she kisses him on the cheek before they part ways, instead of the lips, but he still goes home feeling giddy.
Rose calls and suggests the contract two days later, and Shane feels an unburdened pleasure he doesn't fully want to look at when she says reassuring words like long list of rules and stuff. She's apologizing for it, overexplaining her reasoning for wanting to do it (making her ex-hookup understand that she has moved on, making her “people” stop worrying about her reputation taking any hits if said hookup starts talking to the tabloids), but Shane quickly tells her to stop.
“I like rules,” he tells her openly. “It's so much easier when I know what the rules are.”
“You're so right,” she agrees, laughing. “Okay. I'll send over the example my agent sent me? You can have your people look it over too, if you want, and then we can negotiate on specific language. Is that okay?”
“Of course,” Shane answers. It's more than okay, actually. It's sort of exactly what he wants.
His mom is thrilled, if a little confused.
“She seems so sweet, and you said you liked her a lot! Why don't you just date her for real?” she asks on the phone when he calls to explain the email he just forwarded. Shane feels like an idiot immediately, because he didn't think of the possibility of this question being asked. He was so relieved at the idea of a fucking PR relationship so he wouldn't have to try and be with girls that he forgot that a lot of people in his life would be confused because why wouldnt Shane want to be with girls? Why wouldn’t Shane want to date this girl specifically?
“I just…I don't really have time for that right now, but the guys are, well. You know how they are.”
“Giving you a hard time?” Yuna guesses.
“Encouraging me to, like, I don't know, go out, and hook up, or whatever. And I don't want…I mean, not during the season, you know?”
“Okay,” Yuna says. She sounds vaguely unhappy about that, and Shane wishes he knew why. She clearly doesn't want him going out to clubs and hooking up the way some of his teammates do; she's mentioned multiple times how proud she is that he sets a good example for his younger players, unlike Ilya Rozanov specifically.
“And Rose is…she's really nice, mom. I want to be friends with her. I don't want to, like, date her or whatever. We'd never see each other. It would just be weird. This way we can help each other? With our images?”
He pauses, feeling anxious the longer the silence persists. He thinks he did a good job of explaining that in a way his mother will like, but he can never tell.
“Well, okay, honey! I'll look over the details, if you're sure.”
“I think it would be good for the, uh, brand deals and stuff,” he blurts, feeling stupid for not having thought of that angle already. His mom hums thoughtfully, but it sounds like agreement, and he sighs in relief.
Lily
Rose Landry?
Jane
What?
Lily
Pictures online
You two together
Jane
Oh, yeah
Fucking crazy, right? I met her at JJ’s friends restaurant
Shane taps his fingers against his lips, trying to think of something normal to say.
Jane
She's like so hot in person it's insane
Jesus, fucking idiot. He puts his phone down on the counter and buries his face in his arms. Ilya is going to think he's been fucking body-snatched.
But Ilya doesn't text him back, so maybe Shane is better at acting normal than he thought.
He thinks he has to tell Ilya something before the fake PR thing really starts up, but he's hesitant to tell him the actual truth, because half of why he's doing this is so Ilya doesn't think he's too attached. So when he’s getting ready to meet up with Rose for their first official PR date, he pulls out his phone and texts before he can overthink it.
Jane
FYI she knows about this
Or like not this but she knows I have a thing with someone but it's casual or whatever
He waits for a response for ten minutes before he finally gives up and goes and takes a shower and gets dressed, and then he looks down at his phone and rolls his eyes.
Lily
Who is this?
Jane
Fuck you I was trying to be nice
Lily
what you don't want me to feel like a homewrecker?
Jane
I don't know I just don't want it to feel like I'm cheating on her or whatever
That's not what this is
It's just casual like us
Lily
Right
Okay
Jane
Okay
Fuck, why is he still stressed about those stupid texts?
He’d wanted Ilya to say something obvious like okay, why are you texting me about this? We don't do this, you don't owe me a fucking itinerary. Or maybe something more characteristic like a selfie of him making out with some model he met at a bar.
But Ilya didn't give him that. Ilya gave him fucking nothing, and now he's out at dinner with Rose Landry feeling like a cheating whore, even though he knows that's not what he is. He's just overthinking things, as always. He asks Rose so many questions about herself that he's sure he sounds more like an interviewer than a fake boyfriend, but eventually he calms down, and he remembers why this was such a good idea in the first place: they actually do get along. He actually does like her.
“Did you really read the contract? Or did you have someone summarize it? Because I so owe you an apology if you actually read it. My people are insane.”
“Oh, no, I read it. I'm, uh, also insane?”
“Oh good!” Rose laughs.
“Yeah, I like rules. I think I said that to you on the phone? I know it makes me sound like a complete freak.”
“It doesn't!”
“You're laughing, so I'm thinking …”
“No, it really doesn't,” she says, but she's still laughing. It doesn't feel bad, though, like she's making fun of him. It almost feels nice.
“I just get a lot of, uh. I get nervous, I guess, when I don't know what to expect? So contracts are like…the opposite of that. Very, uh. Soothing? I guess? Maybe not that.”
“No, soothing works, you freak. God, you would get along so well with my lawyer, Mika. She said basically the exact same thing to me.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah! She became a lawyer because of her anxiety. I think about law school and I have to breathe into a paper bag, but she liked it. Memorizing all the rules. Learning the rules.”
“Yeah, Mika gets it. I think about what you do and I want to set myself on fire.”
Rose laughs happily, and Shane smiles at her, and he's thinking you're really nailing this. Talking to a girl. Making a girl laugh. You are publically dating other people and in a way that won't damage your brand and you still get to have Ilya whenever you can, and this is so cool and normal and great. You're absolutely crushing this.
The contract had been specific about Shane and dating. He wasn't allowed to be seen in public with other people, obviously, because for at least the next few months, they're pretending to be in a real relationship. But there were very polite provisions made for any casual, secret relationships, vague enough that his mom wouldn't immediately clock why they were necessary. He could have kissed Rose for real when he first read it.
Well, maybe not for real. Though kissing might actually be okay. He's kind of eager to try it out, just to see. He doesn't know if he doesn't like girls, after all. He's just pretty sure he doesn't. Might as well gather that evidence.
But it's nice, is the point, that it's written in the contract. He doesn't have to feel guilty about still seeing Ilya whenever they can meet up. It's in the rules, and he can follow the rules, and he doesn't have to have anxiety about any of it!
Kissing Rose is okay. It's just okay. It's not terrible, actually. He likes kissing, and she's soft and sweet and smiles into every kiss, which makes him feel like he’s doing a good job of it. If it was possible to kiss your friends on the lips and just have it remain a totally sexless friend thing, he thinks he could be into it.
It's not like kissing Ilya, though, and he's sort of glad when he knows that for sure. It feels like an item on a checklist being checked off. Rose is beautiful and sweet and she has given him rules and stability that he loves, and still he doesn't feel anything beyond a gentle appreciation when he kisses her. Which isn't, like, a nightmare. If he'd never kissed Ilya before and then met Rose, he thinks he probably would have been like “yeah, this is what sexual attraction is, actually”, and he probably would have been fine, but he has kissed Ilya, and he knows what he feels when he kisses Ilya, so he knows that something is missing. There's no way to avoid it.
Ilya seems uneasy the first time they meet again, in Montreal, but Shane was sort of prepared for this, based on the lack of texting they've been doing. He figures maybe Ilya isn't sure where they stand, after the Rose stuff, and just needs to see how Shane is going to act first.
That's more of a Shane thing to do than an Ilya thing to do, generally, but it's not like Shane doesn't get it.
He catches Ilya’s eye during warmups, and he even smiles at him, like a normal person. Ilya seems a little surprised, but he rebalances quickly, like he always does, and then Shane is left feeling like he probably misread whatever he thought he saw on Ilya's face. So totally back to their normal thing, which is great.
“Hey, still on for later?” he asks quietly when they’re close enough to each other without anyone else around.
“Uh,” Ilya says, shooting a pointed but blessedly subtle look up towards where Shane knows Rose is sitting, wearing his jersey.
“Fuck off. She's leaving right after the game. Don't be a dick.”
“Maybe I am a homewrecker,” Ilya says thoughtfully.
“You're not. I told you. It's just casual, like us.”
He doesn't like the ugly pleading quality to his voice. Ilya looks at him with what Shane thinks is surprise. Like he can hear it, too.
Hayden is starting to circle closer, eyes narrowed, seeing antagonism where there isn't any, as always, so Ilya just nods, and moves away, and Shane knows that he's going to be trying to figure out what that fucking nod means for the rest of the night.
Ilya shows up, lets himself in, and Shane can finally breathe again. He meets Ilya at the door, and Ilya slams him up against the wall and kisses him until Shane is practically rutting up against him like an animal to try and get him to do anything but kissing. Ilya is uncommonly desperate, and Shane is feeling very good about himself, knowing that Ilya is impressed by his four goals, even though he's going to pretend not to be. And Ilya is here, and things aren't weird, and he has a contract PR girlfriend and Ilya is going to think he's so normal and hooking up with girls and that he's not unreasonably attached to the fuckbuddy he barely ever gets to fuck. Everything has worked out so in Shane's favor that it's almost ridiculous.
Ilya fucks him so hard that he might literally ascend to another plane for like fifteen minutes afterwards, and then afterwards, just before he leaves, he gives Shane one of the filthiest, hottest kisses of his entire life, like he thinks he has something to prove. Shane chokes on his nervousness and doesn't work up the courage to ask Ilya to stay, even though he's been thinking he might try, this time, since it's apparently something they do now. That's the only disappointment of the night.
They text the next morning, which is unusual for them, but getting more normal. It's definitely part of the friends thing that Ilya was saying at his house. Sure, it sends Shane into jealous spasms every time he thinks about how he's on the same level as Svetlana, but it's better than being on the same level as that other, much larger group of women, so. He can deal with it. He can be normal. He will probably always want more, because he's a competitive asshole, but he knows he can't have more, and that's good. Having those rules in place. Knowing what he is and isn't allowed to want.
“Can I ask you a very serious question?” Rose asks at her apartment one night. They were out drinking with some of her co-stars, and then they moved back to Rose's place, but the last of them trickled out like twenty minutes ago. As part of the contract, they've been doing the occasional sleepover when Shane has good gaps between games. Shane wanted to find them emasculating or weird or whatever, but he doesn't. He likes hanging out with Rose a lot, and he loves being prepared for hanging out with her even more. Knowing that they're going to meet up and that he should bring an overnight bag because he won't be leaving. It's good for him to have a schedule.
“Sure,” he says openly, because he's stupid, and he doesn't think she means it. Like it'll be a question about whether he wants to Doordash dessert.
“Your, uh. Your Lily. She's…not Lily, am I right? Is she, like…more of a Liam?”
Shane's heart stops in his chest for a second, but only for a second. They've been doing this for a little while now. He knows Rose. Rose has Miles over here almost every day. Rose has been pestering her people for weeks to get her on an episode of Drag Race next season. Rose posts Pride Month stuff every year on Instagram. Shane knows because he's checked, because he's imagined having this conversation before. Imagined being brave enough to instigate it. He's a little embarrassed that she beat him to it, but it's not the end of the world. His breathing levels out.
“Not his name, but. Yeah. Yeah, he’s more of a Liam.”
Rose surprises him with a sad smile, and she gets up and crosses the room to him, and she flops down in the armchair with him, and she wraps her arms around him, tight. He doesn't know the last time he was hugged like this. Not even his parents hug him like this anymore. To be fair, that's mostly because he squirms away when they try, but he's still kind of tipsy and kind of stunned by the sudden conversation shift, and he doesn't think to move away, and then suddenly he's got an arm full of Rose, and she's running her fingers through his hair, and it feels so nice that he doesn't even want to move away.
“I figured it was something like that. I don't know. You just always seem a little sad when we're out with Miles. When you see him dancing with guys. And I thought…maybe you were wishing you could be like that?”
“I'm not a good dancer,” Shane laughs. “I don't think I'd ever be…I don't know. Like that. I'd never be able to be like Miles, even if I was…”
“Out?” Rose asks gently when Shane can't think of how to put it. He nods, though the word makes his gut clench, just hearing it.
“I haven't really thought about it. About what it means, or what…what I am. Who I am. It's just…him. Lily.”
“Okay. So tell me about him.”
“He's not, like. He's also…like me. Not…out. So I can't ..”
“I don't mean tell me his social security number, Shane. I mean tell me why you like him. Tell me how you met. Tell me why you look sad when you talk about him.”
“I feel like that would be super boring for you.”
“Shane, sweetheart, I'm the nosiest person in the world. I love this shit. Come on, try me.”
She sounds so sincere. She always sounds sincere. Shane finds himself wanting to tell her, and so he does. It's that simple.
He tells her sketches. Little bits of information that he thinks he can get away with. It's hard to describe how Ilya makes him feel if he can't talk about hockey, but he dances around those parts. He talks about the things he likes about Ilya when they're together, alone. Ilya's totally false aloofness and the gentleness with which he always touches Shane. His loud laugh, and his stunning smile, and the way his eyes are sometimes so soft. He talks a little about what it was like to hang out, just the two of them, at his house, and how Shane almost ran off, frightened by how different it was, and how badly he found himself wanting that difference. He talks about his breakdown after, trying to figure out what Ilya had been telling him about liking girls and wanting to hook up with girls. Rose listens to all of it, and she laughs at him only what feels like a totally appropriate amount, considering he’s basically also laughing at himself, because he acted like an idiot.
He feels so much better, after. Lighter. He’s been carrying all of this inside himself for so long, for years. It’s not just the thing about being more attracted to Ilya than he’s ever been attracted to a woman. It’s just talking about Ilya at all. Letting someone know all these things about Ilya that he has been thinking and feeling and has only now been allowed to express. Like, people deserve to know how fucking sweet Ilya can be. He only lets them see the asshole part, but Shane knows better.
Svetlana probably knows better, too, considering, he thinks, and then he thinks maybe me and Svetlana should start a support group, but the thought of comparing notes on Ilya makes him want to curl up in a ball and die, so he banishes that thought. It’s enough to talk about him with Rose, even if he wishes there was more he could say.
His mom notices his good mood. Hayden and JJ notice his good mood. His dad, even, notices his good mood, which is crazy because his dad rarely seems to notice anything without being explicitly told about it (one of the things Shane is unfortunately pretty sure he’s inherited directly from him). His coach even reluctantly says that Shane’s personal life has apparently been good for his game, which probably goes against his religion, admitting that a world exists outside of hockey.
Ilya notices his good mood, too, and for some reason it makes Shane feel small, shrunken, under a microscope. Ilya has, unfortunately, always been really good at reading him, and Shane lives in terror that Ilya will see past his awkward fumbling words about Rose and about all the other people he’s totally casually hooking up with—he’s not stupid enough to actually try and lie about it, but he definitely implies it—and will interpret the reason why Shane has felt the need to do all that implying—because he’s dangerously close to deciding that he doesn’t want anyone except Ilya, ever.
Ever since the beginning, being around Ilya in any capacity has felt a little like normal people probably feel about things like base jumping or climbing Mount Everest or fucking, like, swimming with sharks or something. Shane isn’t an adrenaline junkie in that specific way, but he gets it, because that’s how he feels every time he pulls out his phone and works up the courage to text Ilya, and that’s how he feels every time he takes off his clothes and lets Ilya look at him. It’s like this sharp, stomach-sinking feeling of something being sucked through a too-small straw. Like how a poorly blended smoothie probably would feel, if it felt things. Ilya will look at him and touch him and fuck him and make him feel like physical pleasure is the only thing on the planet that matters, and then afterwards, Shane will be left feeling shaky and confused. Maybe a better comparison is how heroin users feel, or something, because there’s this awful fucking crash, every time, and then Shane is left reeling and promising himself that it’s never going to happen again, which is always a fucking lie.
So Ilya noticing his good mood feels like it probably feels to be one of those people swimming with sharks and seeing the shark turn around and look at them with a little too much awareness in those terrifying black eyes. Like hey, wait a second, why am I eating these little pieces of fish that this person is giving me when I could just see what the person tastes like instead?
Lily
You are playing better lately
Shane
Fuck you i always play good
Lily
Not as slow as usual
Shane
I hold the speed record, dumbass
Lily
I think u r remembering wrong
I think ur actress gf is secret weapon
Does she have a friend for me?
She’s not my girlfriend, Shane types, and then deletes.
You don’t need my help in that area, Shane types, and then deletes.
Yeah she has lots of friends and im sure they’ll all want to fuck you and then i’ll get to hear about it and i’ll be totally normal about it because I’m a totally normal person, Shane types, and then deletes.
I’m not going to help you get better at hockey, fuck off, is what he finally sends, and Ilya responds with multiple laughing emojis and nothing else, and Shane can breathe again.
“Are you sure you want to keep doing this?” Rose asks him one time, out at dinner. “It’s just that I feel like you’re kind of…tense. About it.”
“I’m always tense,” Shane admits with a small smile. He considers what to say next, and he checks to make sure that there’s no one else at any tables around them, even though he knows there isn’t anyone. He just hates talking about stuff like this in public. He doesn’t know how Rose exists with people looking at her all the time. It’s hard enough to be a professional hockey player; Rose has way more reach, and it feels like there’s always someone watching. “Look, I just. I never told, uh. You-know-who? That this is…what it is.”
“What?” Rose asks, surprised. “You didn’t?”
“No. I just…Lily, uh. Lily hooks up with people. And she has this friend, specifically, who she mentioned to me. They, you know. They hook up, but they’re friends, too. And I’ve been trying to do that with her, because I think that’s what she wants.”
“And is that not what you want?”
“I don’t know,” Shane admits. “I want a lot of stupid things, I think.”
“What makes them stupid?”
“They’re impossible, I guess, for one. They’re not something I should want, or that Lily wants, or that we could even have, if we wanted it, I guess. So: stupid. I don’t know what I’m talking about. The point is that I do still want to do this. First of all, because I like hanging out with you.”
“Aw, same,” Rose says, taking his hand over the table, which is nice, and it gives Shane the courage to keep going.
“But also, like. I don’t want you to think that I’m, like, using you or whatever?”
“We literally signed a contract, Shane. We are mutual users.”
“I know, I know. Sorry. I just feel guilty anyway, I guess. Because I wanted Lily to think that I wasn’t, uh, I guess attached? But I think I might be.”
“Attached to Lily?”
“Yeah. In a way we definitely aren’t allowed to be.”
“You keep saying ‘allowed’. Who isn’t allowing it? Lily?”
“Yeah, and just. The league, and stuff. The fans. Everyone.”
Rose looks at him, considering, her head tilting.
“Shane, is Lily another player?” she whispers. Shane clams up, looks down at the table. She squeezes his hand gently, once. “Okay. You don’t have to say anything! Sorry. I just…okay. That makes sense.”
“I didn’t mean to…”
“Shane, sweetie, it’s okay.”
“But, um. Yeah. Yeah. So, like, you get why it’s complicated. And it’s more about Lily anyway? She was pretty clear with me about, like, what we’re doing. And what we’re not doing. It’s not her fault that I’m a mess and I think I'm kind of obsessed with her?”
“Do you love her?”
“Jesus, no.”
“Shane.”
“No, it’s not…it’s not like that.”
“Are you sure?”
And, well. Okay. Maybe he’s not sure. Maybe he hasn’t been sure about that for a while, but no is the only answer that can make sense, and so no is the answer he has always had to give, and it’s the answer he tries to give now, and it’s the answer that Rose, of course, doesn’t believe for a fucking second. She looks at him with those big, sad eyes, and he knows that he fucked up, but. Jesus. Does he love Ilya? He can’t, right? That would be crazy.
Jane
I’m getting to Tampa a day early
Lily
Good for u
Romantic date?
Jane
Depends
Lily
Ok
Jane
You’re supposed to ask ‘on what’
Lily
And what if i don’t care?
Jane
DEPENDS on whether you’re going early too
Fucking asshole
You cant even let me be smooth for like a second
Lily
U thought that was smooth?
Jane
Fuck off forget it jesus christ
Ill text you my room number. Come early or not
Whatever
Shane paces a hole in his hotel carpet floor, has to endure a professional phonecall with his mother about an ad they’re filming in a week, then has to call Rose and ask her to talk him through the plan again, then has to call Rose back quickly to remind him why it’s not the worst idea anyone has ever had in the entire world. She is happy to offer both things, which is great news.
He won’t even come, he thinks, at one point. He never said he was coming early, and he never said he was coming to my hotel room at all, and he’s back in Boston with fucking Svetlana, probably hanging out half-naked on his couch and playing video games because she’s his physically perfect best bro and I’m a neurotic freak.
(He’d stooped to peeking through Ilya's Instagram follows to see if he could find Svetlana, and he unfortunately did, and Svetlana might be the most beautiful woman in the world, which has only made him feel more sick and more sure that Ilya is going to shatter his heart into tiny little pieces.)
But it’s fine, it’s cool. It’s okay if Ilya isn’t here tonight. Shane still has the rest of All-Stars to say something. He just has to try, put in a tiny bit of effort, and if Ilya looks at him with baffled disgust or horrifying pity, then Shane can pull the plug on this, which he really should have done from the beginning, and then he can extend his contract with Rose until he dies and never experience physical attraction for anyone ever again! It’s a solid backup plan.
And then Ilya knocks on the door.
And then Shane lets Ilya in, and he’s almost mad about it. Like, if Ilya had been at home in his big, beautiful house with beautiful fucking Svetlana half-naked in his lap, at least Shane could have just wallowed and been stupidly heartbroken in peace about it, but now he can’t even do that. He has to actually go through with this shit.
Ilya looks bemused, but not totally turned off yet. He’s already taking off his t-shirt, which would be a good sign normally, but of course is not exactly what Shane was hoping for today.
“No Rose Landry?” Ilya asks, like he would have been stripping so fast if he wasn’t sure Shane was alone. “I was hoping she would join us.”
“She might be into that,” Shane admits, his clothes still very firmly on. Ilya notices his lack of rush to disrobe, and his eyes narrow. “But, uh, I wouldn’t. Probably. I mean, actually, maybe a little? But not…I mean, no, it’s not happening. She’s not here. And also I think I’m probably gay?”
He wants to throw up. It’s there, out in the open. He said it. Ilya arches an eyebrow at him.
“Yes, okay,” he says. “It was a joke, Shane. I did not need a dissertation.”
“All right, fuck you. Dissertation. Come on. I’m trying to tell you something.”
“You are trying to tell me the man who has eagerly sucked my dick basically every time I have seen him in person ever in our lives might be gay? Okay.”
“You suck my dick just as much, and you aren’t gay!”
Ilya shrugs, some of the humor going out of him.
“Yes, okay. That is a fair point.”
“Okay. So. That’s not all.”
“Should I put my shirt back on?”
“I don’t know, maybe? I’d rather you didn’t.”
That gets a smile out of Ilya, at least, and he smirks and sits on the end of the bed, bouncing on it a little as he does, like he’s getting comfortable, and fuck, Shane does love him, it turns out. That fucking sucks.
“Okay, so, what. You are gay. Do you want my advice on breaking up with your girlfriend? Because I am not very good at that. I could maybe get Sveta to help.”
“Please don’t mention Svetlana right now,” Shane mutters quietly, because he can’t help it. He drags his hand over his face. “Rose and I aren’t dating. We were never dating. It was a contract thing. A PR relationship.”
Ilya blinks at him, stunned, unmoving for a few seconds. Shane thinks at first that Ilya might be mad, but then this slow-blooming smile spreads across his face, beautiful and amazed, and Shane might literally melt into a puddle of lust at the sight of it.
“Holy shit,” Ilya breathes. “Those are real? I thought that was, uh, like a conspiracy theory, or whatever. Things people say on the internet because they have no lives. People do that?”
“Yeah. It was like a super thorough contract, actually. Oh, I printed it out. Hang on.”
He grabs the folder from his bag and turns back around to find Ilya flat on his back on the bed, his hands pressed to his face, his shoulders shaking.
“You printed it out,” Ilya says to the ceiling, in a tone that Shane would really love to interpret as adoring. “Of course you did. Why would I give a fuck what the contract says?”
“I don’t know,” Shane admits, and now he’s laughing too, a little. “I guess it’s kind of dumb.”
“Give,” Ilya demands, sitting up again and holding out his hand. Shane crosses the room to hand it to him, but Ilya bypasses the papers and moves his hand up to Shane’s wrist, tugging Shane into his lap on the end of the bed. Shane allows it, dropping the folder onto the bed behind him. Ilya looks up at him, eyes narrowed. “Okay. So, what. You thought I was not joking about feeling like a homewrecker?”
“No, not really. I just realized I felt like a fucking idiot.”
“For what?”
“For pretending. It was nice, I think. Having the rules. I like rules. I like knowing where I stand with people. Rose made it really easy. I mean, these were legal rules. When you…when we were in…at your house. In Massachusetts.”
“Yes, where I live. You are stalling.”
“I almost left. Like, three times. Because I couldn’t figure out what the fuck was going on.” Ilya looks briefly hurt by this, and Shane hates that, and so he takes Ilya’s face in his hands, and he wants to kiss him, but he doesn’t. Just gazes at him very intently from his lap, from like three inches away, which is probably making him look like a lunatic, but okay. “I thought I knew what the rules were, but then you changed them, and it freaked me out. It’s not your fault. I’m just like this. I wish I wasn’t.”
Ilya sort of scoffs, and then he finally leans up and kisses Shane. It’s not a very intense kiss. It’s like a disagreement in kiss form, which is not something Shane would have said existed before today, but apparently it does.
“You are very strange,” Ilya murmurs, but he doesn’t make it sound like a bad thing, and Shane understands him. He nods, and he pulls back a little, sitting back on Ilya’s thighs, looking down at him, trying to figure out how to word it.
“I just…I knew what it was. I knew what we were doing. I had to come up with the rules myself, or like, figure them out, because I felt like, I don’t know. Like when I tried to look for more, or wanted more too obviously, you’d shut it down.” Ilya makes an unhappy expression at that, but he lets Shane keep going, which is good, because Shane feels like he’s got actual momentum right now, and he’s not sure he’ll be able to find it again if he stops. “And so that day at your house, it was like, everything was different? So I was trying to figure out, like, what the new rules were, I guess. And you kept saying how you hooked up with girls, and you liked girls, and you kept asking me if…”
“Shane.”
“So I kind of figured maybe I should try to hook up with girls too, but I wasn’t really feeling like it. And I guess I could have found a guy to hook up with, but I wouldn’t even know where to start, and I’d probably be a paranoid fucking mess if I tried, and…”
“Shane, please breathe,” Ilya says, his hand going to the back of Shane’s neck and squeezing perfectly, beautifully, deliciously, making a fizzling kind of light slide down Shane’s spine. He blinks.
“Sorry,” he says. “I hate talking about this. I thought I knew exactly what I was going to say, but…shit. Whatever. The point is that when Rose and I met, it felt like a good opportunity? Where I could pretend to be casually dating someone else, like you do, but then I wouldn’t actually have to, like, do anything with her.”
Ilya looks briefly pained at that, and Shane isn’t sure why, so he bites his lip, waiting. Ilya groans and leans forward, pressing his forehead against Shane’s chest. It’s a pleasant pressure against him. Shane pets Ilya’s hair about it, because he can, because Ilya doesn’t seem totally disgusted with him or totally overwhelmed by what he’s saying, so Shane is going to take advantage of it.
“Shane, sweetheart,” oh, that’s nice. “Asshole.” That sounds kinda nice too, actually, the way he’s saying it. “You are telling me that you started pretending to date a famous actress just so you would not feel like you had to fuck a woman.”
“Well,” Shane admits. “Yes.”
Ilya kisses him then, desperately, laughing into his mouth, and Shane is laughing too. He’s relieved that this seems to be going so well. Sure, Ilya is making fun of him, but that’s expected. That was like the best case scenario he dreamed up when he and Rose were brainstorming about this, and Ilya is also kissing him about it, which is even better.
Ilya flips him over so he’s on his back, and then he’s leaning over Shane, still smiling at him. Smiling hugely, actually. He looks relieved, too, in the same way Shane feels relieved.
“I thought,” Ilya starts, hesitating, looking Shane over, like he’s trying to figure out what he can say. Shane hopes he’s making a face like you can tell me anything, but he knows his face doesn’t always work the way he wants it to. He could be projecting anything. “I thought I fucked up.”
“Oh. No. You didn’t.”
“When I asked you to stay, I knew you were…I could tell there was something wrong. You were so tense. But then later, we were texting, and I thought…”
“It’s not your fault,” Shane assures him. Ilya is rubbing his arm, up and down, and it feels so nice that he wants to just start stripping already, but Ilya seems content to lie on top of him and not allow him to move, like a weighted blanket, and maybe that’s nice, too. “I’ve never fucked my friends before, so it was kind of a lot to get used to.”
Ilya laughs at that, and he kisses Shane’s nose, and then his cheek, and Shane smiles to himself and allows it to happen, holding on to Ilya’s arms.
“I did not mean to make you think you had to go out and fuck anyone.”
“I was trying to be cool and casual. Don’t make that face at me. I know I’m not either thing.”
“You are dating a famous actress, yes? Maybe a little cool.”
“Ugh, I wish I could record you saying that.”
“What, and jerk off to it nonstop?”
“Shut up. Fuck you. I don’t know why I want to be friends with you.”
“I know why,” Ilya teases, his hips rolling just a bit against Shane’s. Shane bites his lip to keep from saying anything embarrassing.
“No, it’s not just that,” he admits, which is maybe more embarrassing than anything else he could have said. But, shit, might as well go all-in on this one. “It’s just you. I just like you.”
Ilya’s eyes go so wide and shocked that Shane is terrified for a second that he said I just love you instead. He’s been turning the notion around and around in his head, trying to see if it makes sense, and he thinks it might. It’s just not something he’s willing to say at all, ever, and he knows it’s something he does not want Ilya to hear.
“You like me?” Ilya asks finally. Demands, really. So at least he didn’t completely fuck everything up.
“Yeah,” Shane says defensively. “Fuck you. Of course I do. Why wouldn’t I? You’re fucking funny, and you’re fucking nice to me, sometimes, when you’re not being an asshole. But even when you’re being an asshole, it’s not like you are an asshole. I don’t know. Fuck off. I do like you. As a person, or whatever. It’s not a big deal.”
“Not a big deal,” Ilya says, his voice shaky with disbelief, and before Shane can unpack or internalize or question any of that at all, Ilya is kissing him. “Take off your clothes.”
“Okay, Jesus. Relax,” Shane laughs, and Ilya is pulling down his shorts while Shane struggles out of his shirt, and then Ilya is on him again, practically feral with want. Shane’s trying not to overthink anything, but he can’t help but wonder if any of his other hookups make Ilya act like this. Like a man possessed. He’d probably be a lot more exhausted than he is if he was doing shit like this every night.
Ilya’s kisses are bruising, and his hands are bruising too, and he keeps dragging his mouth over Shane’s skin, these open-mouthed kisses that should be gross, but aren’t, because it’s Ilya, because nothing Ilya does is gross to him anymore, if it ever was. Shane is so fucking gone for him, and so happy that they’re here. Ilya knocks the folder with the printed-out contract out of the way and sends the papers scattering, and Shane laughs at him, and kisses him, and wants him, and gets him. Ilya is intense in a way he sometimes gets, usually if they haven’t seen each other in a while. He’s gentle, but it feels like purposeful restraint, like he would be slamming Shane through the mattress if he released any amount of control over himself. It’s very sexy sometimes, and Shane thinks it must be sexy now, but he’s also thinking that it might be something else. Something more than just sexy. Or maybe Shane is just overthinking things now. Maybe he needs to be brought out of his own head.
Ilya does that too, of course, because he’s perfect. He stares into Shane’s eyes as he fingers him, and then he stares into Shane’s eyes as he folds him in half and fucks him, and Shane’s mind is just this blank, fuzzy TV-static, this constant refrain of wow I love him, wow I love him, wow I love him. It would have been insufferable even yesterday, he thinks, but it feels okay, today. It feels like it’s survivable.
Afterwards, once they’re cleaned up, Ilya flops on top of him, fully naked, and Shane wraps him up in a hug, hoping that Ilya will be too tired and too fucked out to leave. Like maybe he’ll stay, tonight, like Shane stayed.
He thinks Ilya must have already drifted off to sleep, because he has fallen quiet, but then he pushes himself up a little so that he can look Shane in the eyes.
“I like you too,” he says defiantly. “As a person.”
“Oh, so not just my mouth?”
“No, not just your mouth. I think you are very strange, and boring, and wonderful. Okay? I am sorry I made you think I was saying you should go out and find someone else. I think I was trying to say the opposite? I don’t know. I don’t know what I was saying. Or what I was wanting. I only wanted you there with me.”
“Oh.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah, oh. I mean, dude, I think you did kind of a shitty job.”
“Oh my god, fucking Hollander.”
“I mean, I did stay. So I guess you did okay. I just…you kept talking about Svetlana.”
“Yes, because she is my friend.”
“Yeah. So I thought you were asking me to be friends.”
“I was, I think. I don’t think I knew I wanted, ah. More?”
He looks at Shane as if he’s reading Shane’s expressions again, as if the second Shane shows a hint of hesitation, he’ll slam the doors on whatever this is, tell Shane he has a weak backhand, and fuck off into the night. Shane holds him tighter. If Ilya wants to run, he’s going to have to carry Shane with him.
“More. More like what?” Shane asks, eagerly.
“I don’t know. Don’t look at me like that.”
“That’s just my face.”
“You look so…fuck. I don’t know. Sweet.”
“You think I’m sweet?”
“I think you are an asshole and the world should know it, but yes. Occasionally. You are very cute. It makes me want to destroy you.”
“Okay,” Shane laughs. “You’re usually pretty good at that. So, uh. What do you want?”
“I am not going to make you a list of rules like your girlfriend, Hollander.”
“Well, no. I wouldn’t expect that. Rose’s people were very thorough.”
“I’m sure they were.”
“Stop acting like you’re jealous. It was fake the whole time! We fake broke up, by the way. I thought it would be better to have this conversation fake single. So you wouldn’t feel like a homewrecker.”
“Okay.”
“And I never did, obviously, hook up with anyone else.”
“Obviously, he says, as he is the sexiest man in the league,” Ilya sighs, fake mournfully. It makes Shane laugh, of course, because Shane really does like him.
“Not that it matters, or anything. I’m just telling you.”
“Okay, well. Maybe I won’t hook up with anyone either.”
“What, not even Svetlana?”
“Oh, I am jealous?”
“Shut up.”
“Not even Svetlana. If you want. She is sick of me, anyway, I think. I spend so much time talking about beautiful Jane with her beautiful freckles.”
“Ew, gross. You talk about me with her? Isn’t that rude?”
“She’s my best friend. She doesn’t mind. She talks about her hookups, too. Is just how we are.”
“Oh. Okay. Tell her I said hi, I guess.”
Ilya laughs loudly.
“She would love that, actually. She has such a crush on Mr. Perfect Shane Hollander. She’s going to fucking kill me if she ever finds out.” He laughs again, and Shane smiles at him fondly, hoping that it doesn’t show in his expression. Or maybe hoping that it does. Who knows?
“Rose figured out that I’m fucking a player, and she thinks I’m probably fucking JJ,” he shares, which makes Ilya’s expression do this hilariously indignant thing, and now Shane is the one laughing. “She keeps sending me pictures of different players with, like, that one eyebrow arched emoji? But she’s landed on JJ.”
“Did she even suggest me?” Ilya asks.
“No, not yet. Guess that means we’re doing a good job of hiding it.”
“Mm,” Ilya agrees reluctantly. “I don’t like it.”
“Okay, well. She’ll guess you and then I’ll have a panic attack and convince my mom to fake my death to her, so I’m sure she’ll figure it out eventually.”
“That does sound like you.” Ilya’s agreement this time sounds fond, and he smiles at Shane and finally rolls over to lie beside him, still not getting out of bed. He might really want to stay.
“Are we really going to do this?” Shane asks, his voice quiet, like he’s afraid of asking too loudly. Afraid to scare Ilya off. Ilya shrugs.
“Yes? I think so. If you want. When I saw the news about you and Rose, I thought, ‘ah, okay, so maybe I like him more than I realized’. Seems stupid not to at least tell you that.”
“Okay,” Shane agrees. “Sure, fuck it. Let’s do it.” Ilya looks over at him, smiling patiently. Shane tells himself that he’s not going to say anything. He’s going to be cool and calm and collected.
“Shane,” Ilya says, and Shane lets out an explosive sigh.
“Okay, fucking…fine. Can you just, like, clarify? For me? What exactly it is that we’re doing?”
Ilya laughs knowingly, and Shane tries to smother him with a pillow, and then Ilya kisses him quiet, still laughing, which isn’t exactly an answer. But he does know Shane, it turns out, because sometime after that, before they start getting down to round two, he pulls back a little.
“We will talk it out,” he says patiently. “And come up with some rules, for you, if you still want.”
It is, unfortunately, the hottest thing he has ever said.