Archive of Our Own

Eddie's Comprehensive List of Things That Make Evan Buckley Happy:

• baking

Eddie knew Buck better than Eddie knew Eddie. When you've been around someone for nine years, spending practically every day together through thick and thin, you get a good measure of a person.

Eddie knew how Buck liked his coffee in the morning (milk, no sugar) and the position in which he slept (curled up on his side) and what the look on his face meant when his lips twitched (he was internally laughing at a joke he'd made himself). He knew the colour of Buck's eyes (blue) and his worst childhood memory (Maddie not coming with him) and he could probably draw Buck's birthmark without having to look at it for months beforehand.

The point was that Eddie knew Buck.

He knew him like he knew how to breathe. He knew him like the tide knows the moon and the Earth knows the sun and all that other poetic bullshit. He'd never believed in any of it until he met Buck but they clicked the second they met each other. (Well, Eddie clicked. Buck took a shift to get there.)

What came with knowing Buck was very simple because everyone who met him did this: they fell a little in love with him. Every time a person met Buck they'd give away a little piece of their soul to him, a few seconds or a few years of their life that was Buck's to keep. Eddie knew this because he met Buck and he kept meeting him and by the time they'd known each other for a week his whole heart, mind and body was Buck's.

It was impossible not to love Buck. Even the people who acted like they hated him loved him.

Loving Buck was the price of knowing him. Loving Buck and watching him fall in love with other people over and over again and again and again was Eddie's price.

He wouldn't trade it for anything in the world but it ached fiercely beneath his ribcage, clawing at his bones like they were jail cell bars.

He was doing it again — paying the price that is — as he watched Buck bake another batch of cookies. Buck was wearing his favourite pink apron and prodding at the cookie batter with a cookie cutter. He placed it carefully atop the batter and pushed down with his palms, putting all his weight into it.

Eddie, who had let himself in, leaned against the doorway and watched.

Eddie coming back from El Paso hadn't stopped the stress baking. He knew it was self-centred of himself to think that it would. He'd just hoped that it had been him being in Texas that was stressing Buck out and not Tommy still after all these months.

He didn't get it. Tommy was out of their life. He was dead and buried as far as Eddie was concerned. Every snide remark and joke that didn't land right was gone and good riddance to it. Eddie couldn't understand why Buck missed the guy so much. As soon as Tommy and Buck had started dating, it was like a switch flipped in Eddie's mind and he couldn't stand the guy. It didn't help that Tommy treated Buck like shit. Buck didn't deserve that. He deserved something or someone that could make him happy.

What did make Buck happy?

Eddie frowned. He should know. He knew everything about Buck, much more than Tommy ever did or ever would. Buck being happy was one of his top priorities but, off the top of his head, he couldn't think of anything that wasn't tainted with bad memories. With some things, the memories were distant and faded enough that they made Buck purely happy, but others still made him get that spaced out look that he'd get when he was thinking of something traumatic or upsetting.

"What makes you happy?" Eddie asked, pondering out loud.

Buck jumped nearly a foot in the air, spinning around and wielding the dinosaur shaped cookie cutter in his hand in front of him as if that would protect him from a potential intruder. "Jesus, Eddie! Give a guy some warning!"

Eddie didn't feel even remotely apologetic. He hummed and leaned further into the doorframe. Buck turned back around and resumed making dinosaur-shaped cookies, pressing down on the cookie cutter with significantly more force as if the adrenaline was making him stronger.

When it became clear that Buck wasn't going to say anything, either because he hadn't heard the question or because he was ignoring it, Eddie crossed the room to lean against Buck's kitchen counter, folding his arms and looking at Buck.

In the soft glow of the sunlight streaming through the blinds, Buck's hair looked golden. It fell in delicate curls around his face, messy and ruffled but graceful all the same. He was frowning a little, a small crease in his forehead, like he always did when he was concentrating and, if Eddie spared a moment to look at his mouth, he would see that Buck's tongue was poking just a slither out of the corner of his mouth.

"What makes you happy?" Eddie repeated.

Buck sighed, scraping the remains of the unshaped cookie dough into a ball and then flattening said ball with a rolling pin. "I don't know. Lots of things."

"But what makes you really happy?" Eddie pressed. Buck paused flattening the dough completely to turn his head and meet Eddie's eyes, squinting at him like he was some sort of mystery.

"What makes you happy?" Buck retaliated after a second.

Eddie thought about it for a moment. "I don't know."

"Hypocrite," Buck said with no real heat behind it. He rolled the rolling pin over the dough one last time and continued cutting dinosaurs into it.

Eddie chewed the inside of his cheek. He was determined now to get an answer. It was important, after all. Eddie needed to know. Buck seemed to sense somehow that Eddie wasn't going to let this go because he finished the cookie cutting, put the dinosaur cookie cutter down and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Baking?" Buck said, phrasing it like a question. "That makes me happy."

Eddie nodded slowly, watching as Buck put the cookie tray in the oven. Baking did make Buck happy, even if he did it when he was stressed. It was relaxing for Buck somehow. Eddie didn't understand it. Baking meant following recipes and getting timings right and having to feel everyone else's inevitable disappointment when it didn't turn out right.

Still, Buck liked baking. It made him happy. That was something to note.

"Why are you here, anyway?" Buck asked, shutting the oven door and turning on the timer. "Not that I don't like having you here."

Eddie shrugged. "Chris is at a friend's — Joseph, the one who hates sport not the one who's obsessed with crocodiles."

"Ah, that one," Buck said, leaning against the counter. "I don't like him."

With his pink apron and fluffy slippers on, Buck didn't look like he didn't like anything, particularly a teenage boy. He looked like he was ready to give the world a big hug. God, Eddie wished Buck would give him a hug.

"I know," he said instead of lunging forward to embrace his best friend.

"He picks his nose," Buck carried on, face screwing up.

"No, he doesn't."

"I saw him!" Buck insisted. "I swear! His fingers were in his general nose vicinity."

Eddie rolled his eyes. "He could have had an itchy nose."

Buck threw his hands in the air, scowling. "Why don't you believe me? Have I ever lied to you?"

Eddie shot Buck a look. Buck winced. They weren't in the habit of lying to each other often and Buck was not one for lying to Eddie anyway but there had been a few secrets between them. The most recent one that Eddie found out was that Buck had slept with Tommy whilst he was in El Paso. That took a few weeks and a few therapy sessions to get over.

It wasn't as if Eddie told Buck he was upset over that. That would have been crazy because Eddie had no right. Even so, Buck must have been able to tell that something was off. He knew Eddie, after all.

"I've been saving the latest Zootopia film to watch with you," Buck said, changing the subject. "I know we always said we'd watch it with Chris but I don't think he cares about it anymore. Do you want to check it out?"

Eddie welcomed the subject change. "Of course. Race you to the sofa."

"Oh, it's on!"

—

• firefighting

Eddie had always loved being a firefighter. It was a chance to put some good out into the world and be the man he'd always wanted to be. For Buck, though, it wasn't just a chance; it was a lifeline.

Eddie still remembered the lawsuit and all the sorrow it brought them. Buck had been obsessed with getting his job back and he chose a hurtful way to do it and, Eddie being Eddie, Eddie was hurtful right back. Their grocery store fight still haunted him.

He also remembered the firetruck incident and how angry Buck had been about not being able to go back to work for months and then how upset he'd been at Ali breaking up with him because of his job. Eddie had never forgiven Ali for that, even though he understood why she did it. It wasn't easy loving a firefighter.

Eddie loved watching Buck on the job. He loved seeing Buck in his element. He loved seeing him happy.

By now, Eddie was compiling a list. He'd started it yesterday when he got home from Buck's and after he'd picked Chris up from Joseph's. It was a proper list on a notepad with his favourite pen, all written out.

The title was: Eddie's Comprehensive List of Things That Make Evan Buckley Happy.

It was a long title but it encompassed exactly what the list was.

Underneath the title, he'd so far written only 'baking' next to a bullet point but now he was realising that 'firefighting' would have to go on the list too.

"Earth to Eddie?" Chimney said, waving a hand in front of Eddie's face. "You there, bud?"

Eddie blinked, breaking himself out of his reverie. He'd been staring at Buck quite openly. Buck was by the firetruck talking to one of the patients who'd been caught in the house fire. The patient looked to still be in shock and had a blanket wrapped around them as they shivered from the cold.

Buck was talking gently to them, one hand on their shoulder as a grounding touch. He looked sincere as he talked, genuinely caring for what happened to the patient and what they were feeling. Eddie was entranced.

"Yeah, Cap. Sorry," he managed to say, tearing his eyes away from Buck to look at Chimney.

Chimney raised his eyebrows, glancing behind him at Buck and then back at Eddie.

At this point, Eddie was pretty sure that everyone knew he was in love with Buck. Hell, Eddie was pretty sure he'd been the last (other than Buck) to know. It was a little liberating to know that he could stare openly and all he'd get was a sigh and a few knowing looks. He hadn't even had to say anything to be accepted. The 118 were his family. He knew that. They loved him unconditionally.

Chimney sighed, shot Eddie a knowing look and walked off to try and calm down another patient who Hen was treating.

Eddie took the chance to walk over to Buck and the first patient.

"Hi there," Eddie said.

Buck glanced up, smiling as soon as he saw Eddie. "Hi. This is Grace. She was just telling me about how she's in an orchestra"

"That's pretty cool," Eddie said, taking a step closer to Buck so that their shoulders bumped lightly. "What do you play?"

"The trombone," Grace said in a small voice. Eddie guessed she was about twenty but she looked a lot younger hunched over and mumbling.

"That's the best instrument," Buck said. "You get all the loud parts."

Grace's trembling was easing a little, enough for her to stop looking so vulnerable. "Yeah. I like the loud parts. Helps me drown out everything else."

"I get that," Buck said.

"You would," Eddie said with a grin. "You're the loudest person I know."

Buck pressed a hand over his heart. "How dare you?"

Grace laughed quietly. Eddie leaned closer to her and whispered loudly, "You think I'm joking but I'm not."

Buck elbowed him. The sting was worth it for Grace's smile and Buck's approving look as a result of that smile.

Yeah, firefighting was definitely going on the list.

—

• animals

"I just think having a pet would be so cool," Buck said, flopping down further into the sofa.

"Exactly!" Chris said.

"Don't encourage him!" Eddie protested wearily. He and his boys were sat at home with the TV quietly talking about some geckos or lizards or something. Buck and Chris were on the sofa and Eddie was sat on the armchair, which didn't give him the best view of the TV but he didn't mind. He preferred watching Chris and Buck anyway and seeing the childlike wonder on their faces as David Attenborough talked about the three-toed sloth.

Eddie wasn't the biggest fan of nature documentaries. He nearly always fell asleep during them. That was fine though because it meant that Buck and Chris would happily explain the facts after the documentary had finished to catch him up to speed.

"What pet would we even have?" Chris asked traitorously.

Buck perked up. "Like a tortoise or something maybe?"

"Absolutely not!" Eddie interrupted. "They live for too long."

Chris tilted his head. "A hamster?"

"They don't live long enough. What's the point?" Eddie said. He got where Chris and Buck were coming from. Pets were nice (in theory anyway) but the logistics of having a pet that you had to take care of all day every day was a nightmare in practice.

"A dog," Buck said. "Like the beagle I almost adopted."

Chris's eyes widened. "There was a beagle?"

"No, absolutely not," Eddie said hastily. "Too much work."

Chris and Buck pouted simultaneously. Eddie was secretly pleased at the fact they were discussing having a pet together. It wasn't Buck making the decision or Eddie and Chris. It was all three of them as a family, despite the fact that Buck didn't even live with Eddie and Chris anymore — well, and despite the fact that they weren't actually a family because Buck was going to go off and find his own family one day. Eddie just hoped it wasn't any time soon.

"Would you be willing to compromise with a cat?" Chris suggested hopefully. "They live longer but they're less work. I'd look after it and feed it and everything! Buck could help!"

"I—" Eddie started but was interrupted by Buck leaning across the short distance between them, placing a hand on Eddie's knee and looking at him with wide, blue eyes.

"Please, Eddie?" Buck asked.

He was a menace. He was an absolute menace and he knew it. Eddie huffed, trying to delay the inevitable. It was the small smile and the slight pleading tone to his voice and those eyes that were larger than life and bluer than anything Eddie had ever seen. It was the fact that it was Buck and he could never say no to Buck, not for long.

"I'll think about it," he said, sounding weak even to his own ears.

Buck and Chris whooped, giving each other an enthusiastic high-five.

Later that evening, Eddie found himself researching cat shelters online with a new bullet point added to his list.

—

• Chris

It wasn't a surprise that Buck loved spending time with Chris. They were best friends after all and Chris came first in both Buck and Eddie's lives and Eddie knew that and loved Buck even more for it. Still, whenever Buck and Chris would have their own moments it would make Eddie's heart swell and his brain go fuzzy. It shouldn't have astonished him how Buck poured every ounce of himself into everything he did but it still managed to, even after all these years.

Buck and Chris were having a moment now as they walked slowly around the cat shelter, greeting every cat there was.

One of the workers at the cat shelter — Anne — was showing them around and she hung back as Buck and Chris chatted on and compared notes on cats.

"They're sweet," Anne noted, smiling at Eddie. "You've got a real cute family."

Eddie should have told her that she was mistaken but he found himself with a swooping feeling in his gut that he just couldn't ignore. He couldn't pass up the opportunity to pretend even for a little while.

"Yeah. I'm lucky," Eddie said, smiling with what must have been an unbearably soft expression as he watched Buck and Chris move onto the next cat, taking their time to make a fuss over it.

"How long have you been married?" Anne asked. "Must be true love if you're getting a cat together."

Eddie chuckled. "Um, yeah, it is. It's been nine years and the boys were just begging for a pet so here we are."

"How sweet. I hope you find the perfect match."

Eddie refrained from saying he already had because Buck was his perfect match in every way. Buck was Eddie and Chris's perfect match. Plus, it helped that he was just all around perfect. Eddie couldn't imagine Buck being anything other than what he was and what he was — flaws and all — was incredible.

"Dad!" Chris called him over. "Come look at our notes!"

Eddie nodded to Anne and walked over to see the notes Buck and Chris had been typing out on their phones. He glanced over them.

They both had the names of the cats, the age in brackets and a short description of their personalities. Their notes were practically identical.

"I think you guys have a clear winner," Eddie said.

"Do you want to meet her?" Chris said, buzzing with excitement as he dragged Eddie over to one of the cages and showed him a small, black cat with astoundingly green eyes. She tilted her head at Eddie in a way that reminded Eddie of Chris and walked up to the bars, inspecting Eddie carefully.

"What's her name?" Eddie asked, glancing at the information sheet pinned to the cat's cage. "Squiffy? Really?"

"It's because she's clumsy," Anne spoke up from the other side of the room, coming over to stand beside the three of them. "She's forever bumping into things."

"Like me!" Chris said. "She's perfect."

Eddie squinted at Squiffy the cat, who meowed loudly in his face. "And we're sure about the name?"

"You can't rename her now," Buck protested. "She looks like a Squiffy anyway."

Eddie sighed. "Alright. Fine. Squiffy it is."

Squiffy, who was eight years old and almost fell out of the cage when Anne opened it to let her into a cat carrier, came home with them that day.

They'd bought frankly too many cat toys so Chris entertained himself with playing with her and her new toys whilst Eddie and Buck made dinner.

"Chris sure has taken to Squiffy," Eddie remarked as he turned the oven up.

"I know," Buck said. "It's sweet. I actually quite like her too."

Eddie pulled a face. "What do you mean 'actually'?"

Buck shrugged, looking a little sheepish. "Just didn't expect to. I'm not really a cat person."

Eddie's mouth dropped open with an audible click. "You aren't? But— But what was the whole begging for a cat thing about?"

Buck snorted, sitting down at the kitchen table. Eddie stood opposite him, resting his hands on the counter and putting some weight through them.

"I wouldn't say 'begged'. I just knew he really wanted one," Buck said simply.

Eddie was overcome with the desire to haul Buck out of his seat and kiss him until he couldn't remember his own name.

'Chris' was added to the list after dinner.

—

• the 118 family

The 118 hadn't been a family, or so Hen said, until Buck came along. Eddie could believe that. Buck had a way of bringing people together through charm, shared love and stubbornness. It was endearing.

He was watching now as Buck did the same thing with Jee-Yun, Nash, Mara, Denny, Chris and Theo.

Theo was the latest edition to the 118 family. He was a good kid and Eddie saw so much of Buck in him. The poor boy had lost both his parents and was living with Buck now, which, while tough, Eddie truly believed was the best possible outcome to such a tragedy.

Nash was only one but Theo was fascinated with him and with Jee-Yun, who was ecstatic to have a cousin at last. Mara and Denny were chatting away with Chris, who was occasionally joining in with Theo and Jee-Yun's conversation, which left Buck jumping into both conversations left and right to add little facts or tell a joke.

Eddie loved watching Buck. It was one of his favourite pastimes. He loved watching Buck interact with kids especially. Buck was a natural with children and him having Theo now only solidified that in Eddie's mind. Buck was going to be an amazing parental figure to Theo, just like he was to Chris.

"What are you staring at?" Athena's voice came from beside him.

Eddie startled. "Athena! How's the injury doing?"

"I could ask you the same," Athena said pointedly as she gestured to where Eddie had been stabbed. Eddie winced at the reminder. It was months ago now but it was still fresh in his mind.

"It's fine."

"Mine too," Athena said. "You looking at your boys?"

"Yeah," Eddie said, breathing out a little. Athena knew he loved Buck. She must have known. "All three of them."

Athena's lips quirked up and she placed a hand on Eddie's shoulder, which got him to look at her properly, eyes meeting. "You take good care of them."

"Nothing else I'd rather do," Eddie answered truthfully. "I just want them to be happy."

Athena nodded, glancing away and changing the subject. "Where's the elusive cat then? Does she not like crowds?"

"Squiffy's napping inside," Eddie said. "She's tired out from the boys playing with her."

Athena's smile widened. "I can imagine. Are you tired?"

Eddie thought of curls and laughter and beams. "Not even a little."

He looked back over at Buck, who was still playing with the kids. Athena squeezed his shoulder and let him get back to staring.

At some point, maybe minutes or hours later, Buck looked up and met Eddie's gaze. He waved, eyes bright, and beckoned for Eddie to come over. Always ready to oblige, Eddie did.

Theo, upon seeing Eddie approaching, broke out of his conversation with Jee and ran at top speed to Eddie, who picked him up like he weighed nothing and gave him a hug.

"Eddie!" Theo said animatedly. "Nash is Jee's brother!"

"I know, bud," Eddie said, adjusting his grip on the kid so that Theo didn't wriggle out of his arms with excitement.

"I want a brother!" Theo announced.

Eddie knew what he should say. He knew what would be the safe option. However, a small voice in his brain that sounded weirdly like Father Brian told him to say what he felt so he cleared his throat and pointedly didn't look at Buck as he said, "You have a Chris, don't you?"

Theo's eyes widened and he started wriggling so much that Eddie had to put him down so that Theo could run to Chris and hug him, nearly knocking Chris over. Eddie steadied Chris with a light touch of his hand.

"Chris is the best brother ever!" Theo proclaimed loudly, catching the attention of the rest of the 118 family at the barbeque, whose gazes Eddie avoided too.

He chanced a look at Buck, whose mouth was hanging slightly open and whose cheeks were stained pink. Buck looked right back at Eddie, eyes like saucers and pupils blown as he closed his mouth and said quietly, more to Eddie than to Theo, "He is, isn't he?"

Eddie could have cried from relief. Instead, he just grinned and carried on with the barbeque as if nothing had happened.

—

Eddie stared blankly at the list, trying to think of something else. There wasn't anything coming to mind. He read the list again.

Eddie's Comprehensive List of Things That Make Evan Buckley Happy:

• baking

• firefighting

• animals

• Chris

• the 118 family

•  

What else was there? He supposed putting Chris as separate to the 118 family was a bit of a cop out anyway seen as Theo was included in the 118 family so why wouldn't Chris be? Really, he only had four things. He could only think of four things that made Buck happy.

Footsteps sounded down the corridor. Eddie quickly stuffed the list in the kitchen drawer and leaned against the counter, trying to pretend like he wasn't doing anything, which honestly was more suspicious than the idea of him actually doing something.

Think of the devil and he shall appear. Buck came into the room, smiling at something and freezing when he saw Eddie.

"Oh," he said.

"Hi," Eddie replied, heart racing as he tried to act as casual as possible.

Buck bit his lip. "I was just going to get some more juice for the kids and a water for Chris."

Eddie nodded sharply. "Yeah. You do that."

Buck grabbed the juice from the cupboard and filled up several plastic cups and then filled a cup with water. He got out a tray and put all the cups on it. Before he could pick it up, he stopped himself and turned to Eddie.

"What were you doing when I came in?"

Eddie's brain blue-screened. "Nothing."

Buck huffed. "Eddie, I'm not an idiot. You were obviously doing something or you wouldn't be acting so weird. You're not looking for houses in Texas again, are you?"

"No," Eddie said far too quickly. "No, Buck, my home's here."

Buck sucked in a breath. "Good. So what were you doing?"

Look, Eddie had already told Buck's kid that he and Chris were brothers so why not go all the way? He couldn't keep this held in much longer. He thought he might burst. Besides, there was nothing inherently romantic about the list. It could be a friendship thing.

He took the notepad out of the drawer and handed it to Buck. Buck's eyes skimmed over it once then twice and then a third time. Eddie watched silently. He could feel his heartbeat in his fingertips.

Buck bit his lip again. "Do you have a pen?"

Eddie hesitated before handing Buck a pen from his pocket.

Buck scribbled something down on the paper then he handed the notepad back to Eddie, who didn't dare read it until Buck gestured for him to.

Eddie looked down and read.

Eddie's Comprehensive List of Things That Make Evan Buckley Happy:

• baking

• firefighting

• animals

• Chris

• the 118 family

• Eddie

Eddie swallowed. "Technically I'm part of the 118 family."

"Eddie," Buck said, exasperated. "Please shut up."

Before Eddie could finish nodding, Buck was kissing him.

Buck kissed like a dying man starved. He kissed like Eddie was his salvation, like nothing could ever compare to him again. Eddie took a few seconds to get with the program and, when he did, he slowed the kiss down to something a little more gentle and a little more them.

He slid a hand up to Buck's neck, tugging him further down and kissing him not like he was drowning but like he was finally floating free.

He took his time, running his free hand up Buck's arm and onto his chest and through his hair and back down to his waist. Eddie tried to pour every atom of himself into showing Buck how much he was loved and cared for and wanted.

Buck seemed to get the message as he kept making noises and pulling Eddie closer and closer and closer until not even air could get between them. Eddie pulled back

"Buck," he breathed, their lips still brushing.

Buck made a sound of protest and kissed Eddie properly again but Eddie shook his head.

"I need to tell you something," Eddie said.

"Tell me later," Buck replied, trying to dive back in and only stopped by Eddie's firm hands on him, pushing him back.

"Buck, this is important."

Buck stilled. "How important?"

"Nothing bad," Eddie soothed, squeezing Buck's hip. "I hope not anyway."

Buck still looked nervous. "Go on."

"I love you."

The words felt like freedom. Buck blinked, tears filling his eyes impressively quickly. He blinked again and a couple rolled down his face.

"Shit," Eddie said, rushing to wipe them away. "Shit, I'm sorry."

Buck shook his head. "Fuck, no, I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm crying. I just didn't expect that."

Eddie laughed breathlessly. "Respectfully, how did you not expect that? We own a cat together. We're raising two kids together!"

Buck chuckled, sniffing. "Well, when you put it like that."

"There's no pressure to say it back," Eddie hastened to add. "I just wanted you to know, okay?"

"Eddie," Buck said, smiling through the tears. "Of course I love you too."

Well, shit, Eddie hadn't expected his eyes to dampen. "You do?"

"Obviously. Is that all because I'd really like to keep kissing you."

Eddie's eyes widened and he nodded quickly. "Yeah. Yeah, that's everything."

The list would be added onto over the years. There would come the addition soon after of 'kissing Eddie', which Eddie argued was under the 'Eddie' bullet point and then, a year after, the bullet point would be crossed out anyway and replaced with 'kissing my husband', which Eddie didn't protest to in the slightest.