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“Your hair’s starting to fade.”
Tsuno blinks, barely catching what her dad said. “Hm?” She had been focused on the cat nestled in her lap, who started to paw at her for pets the moment she turned her attention away.
She can’t remember the last time she sat at the kitchen table for longer than a few minutes. Her dad had asked if she could keep the cats busy while he prepared breakfast, since they tended to distract him from his work.
Secretly, she wonders if he asked just so he had a way to get her out of her room.
Masato had finished dicing up fruits and berries, and gestured to the top of her hair. “The red streaks in your hair, they’re fading.”
Oh. She pulls a tuft away, and sees that he’s right. “I guess it is.” Tsuno can’t exactly remember the last time she re-applied the streak, but she remembers it was before rehab.
There was a strict schedule to follow there and she was so out of it she didn’t have time to do hair dying, and she didn’t have much time to redye her hair at home either given she’s been on bedrest for the past couple of weeks.
Tsuno hates how weak her body has become, the fact that a simple walk down the stairs has left her light-headed must make her look like a pathetic sight to see. She’s just relieved her dad didn’t comment or make a fuss.
“You want any help in dyeing it?” Masato offers.
She bites her lip. “No, not really.” The idea of her hair going back to red makes her sick to her stomach.
It’s a little sad to think about, given how much she used to love the color red and love having it in her hair, but nowadays she associates the color with the worst parts of herself.
When she sees red, she just sees the awful, awful person who caused so much harm to her family, who hurt others, all for the sake of a substance that was slowly killing and damaging her body.
How much of herself is ugly and ruined now?
She doesn’t realize her face is wet until her dad speaks. “Oh Manami…” Fuck, she’s crying again and now her dad has to comfort her. She hates feeling so fragile, yet she can’t stop crying at the slightest bit of human touch. “It’s alright if you don’t want to anymore.”
Masato steps forward, wrapping an arm around her shoulder, and she feels her cat nuzzling her chest, trying to offer her own form of reassurance.
Tsuno doesn’t speak, just burying her face into fuzzy fur and trying to will the tears to stop.
When she gathers the courage to look up, there’s a plate of cut-up fruit along with seasoned rice. “...Thanks.” She mumbles before taking a small bite, not feeling all that hungry but knows she needs to eat.
Her dad smiles. “There’s no need to thank me, I just want you to be happy.”
They don’t bring up the topic once Tsuno’s brothers come running into the kitchen to eat before school, complaining about fruit and Masato gently reminding them they can’t live off of sweets and ramen.
She doesn’t stare in fear that she’ll see frightened looks in their eyes at the fact their scary older sister is in the kitchen, so she tries to focus on her meal.
But then she feels a slight tug on her arm. “Manami?” Nekohachi’s voice is unusually soft.
It takes more willpower than she’d like to admit to look her own brother in the eyes. “Yes?” She spots Nizaemon to the side, still complaining to their dad about school homework and what-not.
He frowns a little before pressing forward. “Are you feeling better?”
Tsuno blinks, unsure how to feel about the genuine concern her little brother is showing her. “Y-Yeah.” As crummy as she’s feeling right now, it’s way better than how she was doing before. “Much better.”
Nekohachi lights up, then he tries to steal a piece of food off of Nizaemon’s plate while he’s not looking.
The next time she thinks about recoloring her hair is a couple months down the line, it started when Sachisa and Aiko drag her onto a shopping trip after school, she wasn’t volunteering anywhere so she had time.
It feels nice having friends again, friends who despite knowing the horrible, hideous person she used to be, still treated her kindly and didn’t shove her into boxes in order to feel accepted.
To think it took her so long to realize what kind of person her old friends were turning her into, she wishes she could’ve taken off the rose-tinted glasses sooner.
She can’t change the past, so she just tries to enjoy the present. “Ooh this jacket will look striking on me, don’t you think?” Aiko holds up a green and black jacket that’s a bit oversized for them, but it makes it look appealing to them.
“It’s a bit expensive…” Sachisa gestures to the price tag.
Aiko pouts. “Ishi why, why must you ruin my dreams?”
“You literally just saw the jacket!”
Tsuno on the other hand, had been glancing at the hair products that were also showcased within the clothing aisle. She doesn’t really need to get more clothes, her parents helped her rebuild her wardrobe ages ago so she’s trying to keep an eye out for something else.
Her eyes end up landing on a shelf of various hair dyes, which did not go unnoticed. “Ooh are you gonna pick out a new hair dye?” Aiko cheerfully approaches, having forgotten her argument with her best friend.
“I don’t know.” She shrugs, the old crimson streaks having faded a long time ago. While it makes it easier to look at herself in the mirror, it feels weird seeing a lack of color in her hair.
She doesn’t really know if she looks like herself, but she’d rather be uncertain of her looks than resembling someone who used to give her family nightmares.
“It’s cool if you don’t feel like dying your hair anymore.” Sachisa reassured her. “I heard it’s a pain.”
It certainly was a hassle, but it used to be worth it. As much as Tsuno doesn’t like thinking about her old self, she remembers feeling a sense of pride and satisfaction seeing the red streaks in her hair.
Maybe it could be worth it again. “I kind of want to look around, just to see if anything sticks out.” She doubts she’ll find anything, but it gives her something to look out for during this trip.
So the three of them spend time going through hair dye colors, Tsuno ends up being stuck between pink and blue until Aiko says “Why not both? Both is good.” and that settles the matter.
Even with the purchases in a nice bag, she doesn’t look at them until she gets home for the day and places them on a shelf where she used to keep the old hair dye.
There’s plenty of time in the day to recolor her hair, yet she hesitates. She doesn’t know why, it’s a different color, yet the idea of putting something in her hair is giving her all sorts of second doubts.
As if the minute she does it, all of her improvement and progress will be done away in a flash, and she’ll return to that angry delinquent teenager that keeps hurting others even if it hurts herself.
“Manami? Dinner’s almost ready.” She blinks, not realizing her mom had entered the room until she heard her speak. “Are you joining us?”
Tsuno pries herself away from the shelf to give her a smile. “Yeah, sorry about that.”
Aya hums, then she notices the new purchase sitting on her shelf. “Are you planning on dyeing your hair again?”
That’s the logical conclusion, she already bought the dyes, so that’s her next goal, right? Yet she hesitates to verbally confirm it. “...Is that okay?”
“Why wouldn’t it be?”
She doesn’t have the courage to meet her mom’s eyes. “The last time I dyed my hair, I scared you.” Why wouldn’t her family be alarmed if she started dying her hair once more? After-all it didn’t take very long for her to start doing… unpleasant things. “I don’t wanna bring back bad memories.”
“You think dyeing your hair would do that?” Aya presses.
Tsuno nods.
There’s a shuffle, and next thing she knows, her mom’s pulled her into a hug. “Manami dear, none of us would be upset if you wanted to dye your hair, if it’s what makes you happy, then it’s fine with me.”
“Really?” She blinks.
Her mom sends her a warm, comforting smile. “Really, you don’t have to stifle your comfort on our behalf.”
Tsuno knows this, her parents and brothers have been nothing but kind and supportive, she just doesn’t want to hurt her family again. “I’ll try.”
“That’s all we ask.”
A couple days later, she asks her dad if he could help her with the dye, since it’s much easier to do with a helping hand. She remembers the starry, bright-eyed look on his face as he realized she trusted him with this.
It took longer than expected because she wasn’t sure where to put the dye, but after deciding to put a streak of pink and blue at the top of her head, then some pink on the sides, all she had to do was wait for it to dry.
Nekohachi and Nizaemon kept her company, showing off accomplishments in one of their video games and talking about their favorite characters and creatures.
It was nice getting to hang out with them, they never failed to make her smile.
By the time her mom gets home from work, the dye’s settled nicely into her hair, a bright bubblegum pink with a touch of light blue. “It looks great on you.” Aya compliments.
“We certainly did a good job with it, eh?” Masato chuckles as he greets her with a hug and kiss.
“Yes dear.” She chuckles, turning to face Tsuno. “How do you feel about it?”
Even though it’s been hours, she still feels that joy and fulfillment she felt when she looked at that reflection in the mirror and recognized who it was.
“I feel like myself.” Not a hollowed-out stranger, not her family’s tormentor or one of “the bad kids” at school, no she saw Tsuno Manami, finally figuring out herself is after being conflicted about her identity for so long.
And she can’t wait to rediscover more of who she is.