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Toya and Akito were laying on Toya's bed, snuggling and slowly falling asleep. They both had been anticipating this sleepover for a while, since Toya's family would be out on a trip and the two would have the entire house to themselves.
Akito buried his face into Toya's blue hair and mumbled, "Good night."
Toya murmured drowsily, "Sleep well."
Toya smiled sleepily. He was so much happier now, with Akito and the rest of Vivid BAD SQUAD. If his younger self saw him now, he wouldn't believe his eyes.
If only he could erase his struggles from years ago, his life would be perfect. Not having the constant paranoia of his family, his friends, his boyfriend finding out what he used be addicted to doing to himself for years.
Oh well. Right now, he was content with falling asleep in his boyfriend's arms.
°°°°
Toya jolted up from his bed, heart beating rapidly. Hyperventilating, he scoured his mind. I dreamt something, I need-
cut blood, I need BLOOD, oh god fuck-, make it hurt, painpainpainNEEDIT, no, where is it whereisit WHEREISIT, no stop, redredredred- cut, make it hurt, I can't, PAIN
"Agh..." Tears suddenly flowed down his typically passive face. His breaths became faster and louder. Akito's a light sleeperneed to cut, I might wake him-
He covered his mouth with an arm, muffling his desperate sobs. Running into the bathroom before he could stop himself, he fumbled his trembling fingers into the hiding spot that would forever be etched in his mind, pulling out a blood-stained box cutter blade.
No, I swore I would stop Finally... He let out a relieved sigh and rolled up his loose pyjama pants to his upper thighs, sitting down on the cold bathroom tiles. Even though it had been years since he last hurt himself, he didn't hesitate to drag a deep scar down his thigh. He smiled through the throbbing pain.
Watching contentedly at the blood running down his leg, he cut again, this one no more shallow than the previous. And again. Another time. And some more. His breaths sped up, dragging the blade in a frenzied manner through his legs-
More, more, more it'll never be enoughtold yourself you'd stop deprived yourself for years, make up for lost time, deeper-
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"Hey, you alright?" Akito's voice from the hallway. "Been gone for two hours, Toya-..."
Akito, standing wide-eyed in the doorway.
"T-Toya...?"
"...Ah. Hello, Akito. Shouldn't you go back to sleep? " Toya hid behind a futile unruffled facade. "Don't mind the mess, I'll clean it up..."
Akito stepped forward. Seeing his boyfriend in a puddle of blood with deep wounds all over his legs, it was obvious what Toya was up to. "Put that down. Now."
Toya's fragile mask shattered. "Go away..!"
Akito's brain was too numb with shock to process the unsettling sensation of Toya shouting at him. A strange calm overcame him. "Toya, please. For me. Let go of it."
"No." His voice shook, overwhelming despair on his face. He gripped the blade in his fist, tightly enough that it sank into his palm, adding more blood onto the messy floor.
"TOYA." Akito moved further into the room. "Stop it, you're hurting yourself-"
"Fuck off, can't you just leave me alone?" Toya screamed, tears streaming down his face. "It's not like I'm hurting you!"
"Yes, you are." Akito abruptly lunged forward, wrapping him in a tight hug.
"Aki..?" This seemed to shake him from his daze. He remotely acknowledged a warm hand firmly prying the blade out of his cold grip.
"Don't do this again." Akito buried his face into Toya's shoulder. "...Talk to me, instead of doing...this." He heard Toya sob.
"...'kay." Toya looked away, ashamed.
Akito let out a breath and loosened the embrace. "Right. Where's the first aid kit?"
Toya gestured to the drawers to his right.
After carefully cleaning and bandaging Toya's wounds, Akito got up and stared resolutely at his partner. "We need to talk."
Toya hung his head. "I don't think I can. I'm too tired."
Akito knew Toya was avoiding the subject, but he didn't want to pressure him. "Then we'll chat in the morning."
"...Alright." Toya attempted to get up, then winced from pain as his newly injured leg bumped against the wall. "Ouch."
Akito contemplated, then made up his mind. He gently lifted up Toya bridal style, then walked to the bedroom. He placed Toya on the bed, laying down beside him.
It was nearly five in the morning, and Toya had spent all his energy. He fell asleep almost as soon as he touched the mattress. The same couldn't be said for Akito, who laid wide awake.
Why didn't I ever notice anything wrong? He felt terribly guilty, as if the events that had occurred were entirely his fault. He could clearly recall the sight of Toya with a blade, on the floor, scars on his legs, sitting in a pool of blood, tears in those beautiful gray eyes he loved so dearly. He doubted he would ever forget that uncharacteristic dull emptiness.
He tenderly kissed his partner's forehead. I'm sorry. I failed you.