Chapter Text
It’s not that Maeda Riku is actively looking for ways to ruin his own life, it’s just something that occasionally happens. Take when he is twenty-seven years old and his two best friends are somewhere in Europe while he’s stuck listless in Seoul, for one, because Riku never copes well with being listless.
And so the beginning of the end goes something like this:
“The Amalfi Coast is like something out of a painting, hyung,” Daeyoung is insisting to him over the phone. “The water’s so blue and everyone is so nice and it’s so pretty and-”
“How are you getting around when you don’t even speak Italian,” Riku is asking genuinely as he’s halfway through putting on his work uniform for his Survival Barista Job that he hates with a burning, fiery passion. “Don’t tell me Yuu-chan is speaking English.”
It’s not even a question. “He’s getting really good,” Daeyoung says a little too proudly, like he’s talking about his son or his dog and not his boyfriend. Or, well, now they’re husbands. Huh. Good for them.
“I want a recording,” Riku tells him and he’s being serious. He walks the two strides it takes to cross the length of his shitty studio apartment, opening the door of his fridge to be met with nothing but spoiled milk and a half-drank protein shake and a rotting packet of chicken. Great. Yeah, even the kimchi in the fridge door managed to go bad. That’s a new record.
“I’ll send you a bunch of videos,” Daeyoung promises. “How are things going for you?”
Riku’s not sure what to tell him. He never knows how to answer that kind of question. Daeyoung is a worry-wart by nature and Riku’s not ruining his best friend’s honeymoon by telling him that he’s actually been living off of nothing but convenience store triangle kimbap and fumes just because Daeyoung is out of the country for the next two months and there’s no one around to dote on him. Riku’s been having a hard time remembering to go to the store, he’s been having a hard time sleeping, he’s been taking his pills but more sporadically. There’s this itch under his skin when he lays down in bed, like something he can’t quite scratch. Last night he slept maybe just three hours and he still isn’t-
“It’s going fine,” Riku lies even though it’s not that big of a lie anyway. He’s doing fine as he always is, as he has to. “Things have been boring without you and Yuu-chan around.” He inhales. He exhales. “It’s fine.”
“Boring is good,” Daeyoung agrees with a hum, because they are both very aware of what Maeda Riku is like when he says he’s doing exciting things, and no, that never means anything good. “Things are stable, yeah? They’re nice and steady?”
Riku knows what that means. Are you taking your meds? Are you going to your appointments? Are you staying level-headed at work? He should be striving for stability. He should. He should be overjoyed that things are boring instead of thrilling or dangerous or, at his worst, traumatic and the type of “fun” that lands him in scrubs and months spent in the hospital.
So, of course:
“Yeah,” Riku says. “Everything’s fine. It’s just like you said. Boring is good.”
He can hear the way Daeyoung lets out a sigh of relief all the way in Italy. He can feel the way it makes his skin crawl again, the way it makes him want to run. Run from what? He’s not sure. But it’s there, like it always is this time of year, and he ought to just keep his head down and take his pills because otherwise he’ll be spending another year of his twenties couch surfing and going from job to job and being the pathetic, insane, chronically In-Crisis boy he is scared he actually is.
“That’s good,” Daeyoung says and he sounds so proud like Riku is finally someone worth being proud of. Riku closes his fridge door a little too hard and tries not to scream. He is so tired of this, the lying and the pills, the half-truths, someone checking up on him because otherwise the next time they see him it could be behind the plexiglass of the psych unit.
But that’s just what happens to him, right? That’s what he gets. His brain is a thing he can’t trust and that’s why his friends take turns doting on him because there’s only so many times he’s allowed to be cruel to himself just because he wants to be. There’s only so many times you can ruin your life down to the foundations before you’re left with nothing at all. Riku isn’t an idiot. He’s manic, sure, but not an idiot. He knows that much.
So:
“Tell me more about Italy,” Riku asks through gritted teeth. “How cute are the boys?”
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And okay, to be fair, Daeyoung was right that boredom is good. That’s the thing Riku’s stuck on. Boredom is really good. Boredom is maybe the thing he should be the most happy about.
But a few days later, on a night where he has no part-time job to distract him from what almost feels like existential dread, Riku downloads the dating app he used to frequent in the worst of his manic episodes because something about the self punishment is familiar. Or whatever the fuck you’d call it, it might not be self punishment but it’s something close. He’s taking his meds anyway, so it’s fine, because the worst that’ll happen is another one night stand gone wrong.
Right? Right. It’s fine.
His own profile is easy to write. 27, VERS, bottom leaning, selfish tops dni. He sets his age range a little higher than a well-adjusted person would and adds a few cursory twinkish photos to his page. And then he scrolls. And scrolls and scrolls and scrolls and scrolls. The Seoul dating pool never really changes when it comes to those of them who are out, for one, and then looking for a guy who isn’t evil and predatory is a whole other ordeal. As he expected, Riku has to swipe left on about three exes. There’s a lot of DL profiles as there always are. He swipes left on some of them, right on a few others if they at least sound interesting. A fifty-six year-old is looking to tie up a college-aged twink without a single face photo on his profile. No-fucking-thank you.
Riku is about to reason with himself like an adult and perhaps reflect on why he already swore off these cursed apps after his last episode a year and a half ago - his therapist would word it more like why do you default to self destruction? since she has a degree in crazy people and Riku is, in fact, crazy - but then he lands on a new guy and it makes him pause. A hot guy, mind you. An older hot guy. Exactly Riku’s type.
Sion, 39. Clean shaven but a little salt and peppered at the edges. Handsome, seemingly tall. He looks great in all black. And he has a very interesting bio.
In Seoul for the weekend. Dom vers. Kind of hoping for more of a date tho hahahaha sorry.
Riku’s eyebrows raise all on their own, very intrigued. The “dom vers” is certainly tempting but the desire for a date instead of casual sex is what really catches his eye. Most of the older guys on here tend to look for hook-ups instead of romance. The dating pool among elder queers is narrow but it’s well-established for that reason - they don’t just let in anyone.
But this Sion guy is from out of town, which is… huh. That’s certainly tempting, considering how Seoul’s gay nightlife is so small that every breakup causes a ripple effect - someone with no strings attached, truly, is rare to come by. And Riku hasn’t really been into hookups. Not recently. But a date doesn’t… it doesn’t sound terrible.
And despite everything, Riku can’t lie and say that this Sion guy isn’t hot. Because he is, like, really hot. He’s wearing a nice watch in one of his photos and his shoulders are sturdy and broad but he’s a trim around the middle in a way that is very exciting, because not even Riku’s sure if his own waist is quite that small. This guy seems fashionable enough too. Business casual in a way that’s a lot more androgynous than the usual gay-guy-trying-to-pass-as-straight polo. Or even worse, a quarter zip. And he’s fashion conscious at thirty-nine years old! It’s not everyday you come across someone like that!
So it doesn’t take much convincing to swipe right and at least send him a message. Riku gnaws on his bottom lip and taps around on his keyboard.
Riku: not to be weird but you’re super hot and nice looking
Riku: so im asking first if youre a serial killer
He expects that DM to just get lost in the void of what he’s sure is a sea of baby gays vying for this guy’s attention, but to Riku’s surprise, a typing bubble pops up. And then Sion-ssi sends him a message right back.
What the…
Sion: Not a serial killer, no, but you’re not the first person in Seoul to ask me that
Sion: You’re also very good looking :)
If the guy weren’t nearly forty, Riku would be a lot more off-put by the way he texts. But it’s actually… huh. It’s actually kind of cute. He knows that makes him an easy target, yeah, but it’s not like that’s something Riku didn’t already know about himself. So.
Riku: it’s a cesspool out here, hyung-nim
Riku: where are you from?
Sion: Gwangju!
Riku: oh
Riku: uhhh
Riku: not sure where that is sorry lol im japanese
Riku is going onto Naver and typing a cursory “Gwanju” into the search bar when he gets a new message. Oh, well, if the guy is so informative…
Sion: It's the home of the KIA Tigers!
Riku: what
Riku: ?
Sion: They’re the best baseball team in the country!
Riku switches back to his search immediately. The KIA Tigers ranked dead-fucking-last in last year’s season. Sports fans are all liars.
Riku: naver says they’re the worst in the league lmao
Sion: :(
Riku: ok sorry.
Riku: im sure theyre fine. im not a baseball guy.
Sion: Do you like any sports? :)
Riku: i like womens volleyball lol
Sion: Me too! I like watching Kim Yeonkoung!! She’s so tall!!
Riku: oh thats cute haha
It’s weird how easily conversation flows with this Sion guy despite him being at least twelve years older and also into sports, apparently. Riku’s had flings with older guys but they’d never talk about anything much other than their kinks or asinine things. In college talking to a man twice his age would make him feel so grown up and mature. But now Riku’s a little more hesitant, right, because he’s had years to learn from his mistakes like a normal person.
However…
Riku: so youre in seoul for the weekend ?
Riku: doing anything fun?
Sion: No haha I’m on a business trip
Riku: lame :(
Sion: I think it’s fun to spend time here tho! Gwangju is really small
Riku: so then do you have time for a date?
Sion: A date?
Riku: that’s what your bio says -_-
Sion: Oh
Sion: OH
Sion: Like you wanna go on a date with me??? haha oh okay I get it sorry
Riku: ?
Riku: what. you dont think im cute enough.
Sion: No no no no no it’s not that like seriously haha
Sion: I’m just surprised
Sion: You’re very good looking! And funny! And you want to go on a date with me!
Riku is a little surprised by this Sion guy’s apparent lack of confidence. Or whatever it is. Does he not use apps a lot? Riku could name five guys in his greater friend group alone who would ask for this guy’s number in a heartbeat.
So. Hmm.
The thing is that Riku isn’t into the type of guy who acts coy. Not usually. But then he thinks about breaking down this Sion-ssi’s nervous little exterior in person and the temptation is too much to fight off.
Riku: hmmmm
Riku: so do you wanna go on a date or not?
Sion: Yes. Sure. Absolutely.
Sion: I just thought you were being nice is that weird haha
Riku: i dont act nice to guys on dating apps.
Riku: so sion hyungnim, let’s go out
Sion: Okay yes! Sure!
It’s weird. They exchange numbers. They make plans. Riku normally doesn’t give his number to guys off of apps but it’s hard not to when Sion apparently doesn’t have any social media (besides LinkedIn, god bless his heart) and Riku would really rather not stick to talking on Grindr of all places.
Riku: so
Riku: i’ll see you tmrw?
Sion: Yes :)
So yeah, it’s hard not to give this one guy a shot. It’s just one measly date, at a nice bar in Hongdae - Riku tried to bring him out to Itaewon but Sion was (understandably) put off by the crowds. Though that tracks with his age. Normally the younger gay guys from out of town want to go to Itaewon first thing. It’s kind of cute.
But Sion’s taking him somewhere with a three dollar sign label on Naver and he, like, means it. Riku knows being skeptical is a healthy thing - which he is - but still. This guy’s only here for the weekend anyway. What’s the worst that can happen?
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It’s not like Riku’s gonna fall in love with him. Probably.
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Okay, yeah his track record is bad but he actually means it this time. He does. Like, it actually won’t happen again. It won’t.
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But Riku dreams that night of a hand, wearing a Rolex on their wrist, stroking over his jaw. It thumbs at his mouth. It traces the seam of his lips. “Riku,” a deep voice hums. “Riku. You’re so good. Look at you.”
It’s bad. It’s bad and he knows that. But Riku’s voice comes out meek, tiny, pathetic. “Hyung? You won’t hurt me, right?”
“I won’t,” the voice tells him, just caressing him and whispering to him for hours. “I won’t.”
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But what actually happens is that Riku wakes up the next day with a start (fuck that stupid dream) to a rejection message on KakaoTalk. What the fuck.
That’s worse than the fucking dream! So what if Riku wasn’t gonna fall in love with him! At least let him have the goddamn choice!
Sion: Riku-ssi…
Sion: I’m so sorry…
Sion: Something came up with work and now I’m supposed to spend all day in the office. I’m afraid I can’t make our date.
Sion: I apologize. I was really looking forward to meeting you :(
Riku has to rub the sleep out of his eyes in order to make sense of this… this whole thing. The messages were sent at six AM this morning. A part of him is immediately suspicious - immediately wondering what he did wrong, wondering if Sion’s chickening out, if something he said last night was weird - but it’s really hard for him to think of Sion as that conniving. Which is bad. Because you should always be weary of men, right? And he is! But it’s still…
Ugh. The dream’s messing with his head. He’s such an idiot.
Riku: oh okay
Riku: youre busy until you go back?
Riku’s not sure why he cares at all. He’s not sure why he’s even responding and not just blocking this loser for leading him on. That’s what he’d normally do because Riku isn’t someone who begs for attention (anymore) or chases after hot guys (anymore) or falls head over heels on the first date (never again!).
But then Sion is responding. Fuck.
Sion: Unfortunately yes :(
Sion: I’m really sorry
Sion: But I was hoping it’d be okay if we still kept messaging each other? As friends? Sorry if that’s weird, I just enjoy talking to you.
Riku: oh
Riku stares down at his phone, hard, wondering if he’s hallucinating (this wouldn’t be the first time). But it’s just Sion’s message, again and again, asking to be friends. Riku doesn’t do friends with people he’s attracted to, not when he was ready to jump this man’s bones just last night. No fucking way. Especially not with his track record being what it is, with him continuing to fall for guys who either (1) indulge in his craziness because they think it’s hot at first or (2) take advantage of it.
So. So, no, Riku will not be this old man’s friend. He won’t.
Riku: sure thing :)
Riku: i have fun talking to you too
Sion: That’s a relief haha
Sion: Sorry I have to go. I’ll text you when I’m off tonight?? Lol
Riku: sounds good
Riku sends it even though he’s lying. Even though he’d sooner get back with one of his narcissist exes than be some old guy’s text-fuck buddy. Maybe the mania is what disconnects his logical brain from his fingers because they’re typing out such nice, laid back things even though he knows better than to let himself be strung along yet again. And Riku would also never call himself laid back. Not in one million fucking years.
So he groans into his pillow and lets his phone slide across the sheets as he throws it half-heartedly in a random direction. God, he’s an idiot. He’s always an idiot about romance and sex and all of it…
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It ends up taking him maybe an hour (or, like, way more than that) to pick himself up off his mattress and harden his goddamn resolve. Riku is twenty-seven years old! He can’t keep perpetrating the cycle! He has to just get over it!
Right, no fucking way he keeps messaging this weirdo. No way. He’s just gonna block him and forget it ever happened at all just like he’s supposed to because Maeda Riku needs his life to stay painfully, painfully boring no matter what it takes. He needs it to be boring and stable and nothing about falling for some older guy who lives in Gwangju and lies about how good his baseball team is reeks of stability. Right? Right.
Everything is literally fine. Too bad for Sexy Guy Sion Who Is In Seoul Just For The Weekend And Apparently Likes Him A Lot.
Riku is blocking his number! Good riddance!
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Except that night he’s at the bar with some people he knows and he’s not really in the mood to get laid or even talk much but Miyoung’s new situationship drama is juicy and there is something funny about watching Kwangsoo fail at picking up the guy he’s been trying to talk to for weeks, so. It’s fine.
But then:
Sion: Finally off of work!
Sion: How was your day? :)
Riku is absolutely not drunk enough to text this man back. He’s not even drunk at all, his finger hovering over the ‘block’ button. But, of course:
Sion: Did you eat dinner?
Fuck, that’s kind of cute. Riku grits his teeth and snaps a very quick selfie of himself, the hopeless lesbian next to him, and the parade of twinks he’s unfortunately stuck being friends with by proxy of the Community. He’s not smiling. There’s bags under his eyes and he didn’t even dress up, just donned a low-cut button-up and a pair of jeans that hug his ass.
Riku: [img]
Riku: stuck here cuz someone didnt wanna take me out
Sion: Oh wow
Sion: You’re very cute haha why are you making such a grumpy face?
Riku is disturbed by the fact that that message makes him blush. And hell, he’s disturbed by the fact that he’s embarrassed over being called cute. He is many things but he’s not cute; having the disorder that makes you insane isn’t cute; taking two pills before bed isn’t cute; the last time he was in a “relationship” he was sexy and gorgeous and so pretty, Riku, you’re like a girl.
Ugh. The mere memory makes him shiver. But Riku isn’t cute.
Riku: im not cute.
Sion: I think you are :)
Sion: Are you having fun with your friends?
Riku: no.
Sion: :(
Fuck, this is so stupid. Fuck, Riku is an idiot for indulging this guy. Fuck, even after all these years he’s still so-
Riku: dont frown
Sion: Okay :)
Riku: how did work go
Sion: Work?? Well it was kind of bad but it’s always kind of bad when I have to come to Seoul haha
Riku snorts into his drink that he has yet to take a single sip of and hates himself for it but that’s fine because he can just blame it on the alcohol. Right? Because he’ll down this drink very soon and he’ll block this guy tomorrow. He will.
Riku: tell me about it
Sion: Haha if you want me to
Sion: So we’re here to finalize a project but my boss is still trying to make us work even though we’ve been working since last night. Like, none of us have slept. But really it’s my fault because I’m the team leader, kind of??? But still, how am I supposed to…
Riku spends the rest of the night with his nose buried into his phone, his drink untouched. There’s no itch under his skin. It’s weird. There’s always an itch under his skin, he’s used to it, and the fact that there’s nothing really freaks him out.
That’s why tomorrow he will-
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Sion: I wish the days weren’t so long :(
Riku: you dont like winter?
Sion: Not much of a fan. I was born in the spring.
Riku: lol i hate it too
Riku: im a summer baby
Sion: Haha cute
Riku: ?
Sion: Idk why that’s just cute
Riku: -_-
Riku: sometimes u act like an old man. are u a pervert or something.
Sion: NO!!!
Sion: WHAT?
Riku: lol jk
Riku: ur cute too
Sion: Ugh dont say things like that
Riku: hehe sorry
Sion: It’s fine.
Sion: You’re sweet so I’ll forget about it.
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So of course, soon, he’ll-
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Sion: I’m so jealous that you live in Seoul
Sion: The cherry blossoms must look nice
Riku: hyung
Riku: youre two months early
Sion: ?? am I ??
Sion: Oh they bloom in March lol
Sion: Wait.
Sion: Since when was I hyung??
Riku: do u prefer ahjussi?
Sion: You know I dont!!!
Riku: haha Sion hyung has a ring to it
Riku: come back to seoul for the blossoms
Sion: Oh. Maybe!!
Sion: If I had time that’d be fun!
Riku: u still owe me a date.
Sion: I do?
Riku: yeah.
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It’ll be so easy to just-
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Riku: [img]
Riku: this espresso art looks like you
Sion: No it does not.
Riku: :(
Riku: i think it does
Sion: …Okay maybe just a little bit
Riku: yay
Riku: im good at it right ?
Sion: You are!
Riku: :)
Sion: You should make some for me too
Riku: ok :)
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Any day now he will-
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Riku: trying to dilf hunt at the bar
Sion: Are you actually?
Riku: no.
Riku: none of them are handsome like u anyway
Sion: Aww haha
Riku: :(
Riku: this is why u owe me a date :(
Sion: Yes I know :)
Sion: I think I’ll be back in the summer ?
Riku: thats so far away
Sion: Sorry
Riku: hyung :(
Sion: I may have a free weekend in April?
Riku: :(
Riku: ok
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Soon. Soon. One day very, very soon Sion will slip up and it’ll be obvious that he’s just a creep in nice guy’s clothing, and when that happens Riku won’t even fucking hesitate to-
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Riku: would you be weirded out if i went to gwangju this weekend
Sion: ?!
Sion: Actually??
Riku: well maybe not anymore…
Sion: Hey hey no that’d be nice!!!
Sion: But you always call me old and perverted?
Riku: thats how i flirt.
Sion: Flirt?
Riku: hyung
Riku: this weekend yes or no
Sion: Well. Yes. Obviously
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Um. Well. So. So the thing about that is that… he’s only… he just…um.
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Sion: Okay wait. Hold on
Sion: Call me!!
Riku: but u already said yes…
Sion: Call me so we can work out details!
Riku: ohhh
Riku: hehe
Riku: okie :)
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Remember what Riku said about blocking-the-old-man-and-pretending-he-never-existed thing? Just forget about it. He was being delusional. He’s bipolar, you know, sometimes he says things he doesn’t mean.
Right? Right. Everything is fine!
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Riku was joking about the trip. Kind of. But two weeks almost to the day since swiping right on Sion’s Grindr profile, he’s getting onto the KTX with a backpack. It has his laptop, some chargers, some clothes, his passport and visa documents in case of emergency. Which is actually every single meaningful thing he owns, now that he’s thinking about it. It’s dumb. He’s doing a really dumb thing, he knows, but he also wasn’t able to talk himself out of it.
He’s stable anyway, right? He even packed his pills to bring with him like a good boy. So it’s fine. He’s going to Gwangju just for the weekend and this is an incredibly normal thing for him to be doing, thank you very much.
It’s hard to not overthink what he’s doing - and how he should really not be doing it, too - but Riku’s already on the train anyway. So he texts Daeyoung a cursory warning that he’s busy with work for the weekend so he doesn’t get any surprise calls (which is a lie, maybe, but not an evil one) and then also shares his location with a few close friends back in Seoul just in case Sion hyung is secretly a serial killer. But Riku thinks it’ll be okay. Sion gives less mass-murderer and more middle-aged-man-who’d-rather-spend-his-money-on-good-food-than-making-skin-suits-out-of-cute-twinks.
Or, well, hopefully. It’s really only been two weeks and that isn’t helping Riku’s track record. But it’ll be fine!
Sion ended up buying the ticket for him, sending him a bank transfer this morning, and apparently the extra 73k won he threw in was for “snacks.” Whatever the fuck that means. At first Riku was worried that Sion misinterpreted this to be a sugar daddy situation but then he told him over the phone how sometimes he gets bored of not having anything to spend money on besides clothes and food that he’ll donate to random GoFundMes online. Stuff like “help me buy a jacuzzi for my porch.” So there’s no use in worrying about that, probably.
(Besides, the train ride is less than two hours anyway. It’s only an hour or so until Riku and his so-called Sion hyung meet face to face. He’s definitely real - Sion’s sent him videos - but it’s still nerve wracking. Even with Riku’s long history of doing reckless things, he’s never met up with someone he met online on a whim. Not like this.)
But Riku’s been feeling fine lately. He swears he has. That itch is there less and less when he and hyung are talking over the phone late at night or texting when they’re both supposed to be working. And it makes him feel… he’s been feeling really good. He brought his meds. He’ll take them when he remembers to. He has more than enough to last this weekend, anyway, so he can take them in some dark corner while Sion’s distracted or something. It’s just a few days. That’s what he tells himself - it’s just a few days and it’s, like, mostly platonic and there’s no way in hell you can fall in love with him in just three days. Right, Riku? Right?!
So Riku puts on his favorite Ailee album, closes his eyes, and opts to sleep the whole way through. Because it’ll be fine!
The train pulls into Gwangju Songjeong Station around noon and Riku snaps awake to the gentle, overly polite voice over the intercom telling them that they’ve arrived. He doesn’t think he actually slept - he was paranoid he’d nap for too long and he barely slept last night as it is - but now he’s… he’s here.
“Oh, shit,” Riku says under his breath as he’s met with the sight of a train station he memorized to hell and back on Naver last night. Oh, shit, yeah. He’s actually here.
Riku doesn’t have many belongings to worry about, and so he follows the flow of passengers out onto the train platform. He follows them down into the station, down a slope leading down into the concourse. Sion’s waiting for him here - he sent a text a few minutes ago that says I’m near the front haha - and Riku is trying to walk down the slope without tripping but he’s also trying to text back at the same time.
Riku: im omw
Riku: i think
Riku: im already lost ㅠㅠ
Sion: I’m near the front entrance!
Riku: THIS STATION IS SO BIG ㅠㅠ
Riku keeps up with the flow of the crowd and tries to figure out where the front entrance is as everyone disperses in different directions. There’s the ticket booth, the waiting area, the other entrance down into the subway, and the- the- is that an Olive Young, what the-
“Riku!”
Riku snaps his head up as a voice calls out his name in the usual accented Korean, a little more cheery than how he’s used to being addressed. That’s when he sees Oh Sion in the flesh for the very first time, just as tall and handsome and good-looking as he is on his phone screen.
Riku pales. “Hyung?”
But then the tall, tall, evilly handsome man is closing in on him. There’s hands on his shoulders. Sion’s grin is really- it’s more blinding in real life. And his voice is lower: “Can I hug you?”
Riku nods. He’s pulled into a hug. And two whole weeks of certainty that Sion hyung will not be another victim of Riku’s mania-induced falling-in-love-at-first-sight habit goes right down the drain.
“I’m so happy you’re here,” Sion sighs into his hair.
Riku squeezes his eyes shut. “Me too.” But he’s thinking oh, god, not again.
✴︎✴︎✴︎
This is arguably the most terrifying situation that Riku’s fucked-up mentally ill brain has gotten him into. Seriously. It’s even worse than that one time an ex coerced him into doing coke off a drag queen’s boobs and he nearly got arrested and got his visa taken from him the same night he made the very uneducated and impulsive decision to go no-contact with his very well-meaning but misguided mother. No, not even that is as bad as this.
(But that’s because that was actually maybe the most fun he’s had in his life and he’d do it again if it weren’t for the fact that he shouldn’t. Plus he regrets the hurting-his-mom part. Sorry, Okaa-san.)
But this is even more awful, and it’s not because Sion is creepy or dangerous or weird. And it’s not even because he’s eager to invite Riku back to his house or walk around downtown or “do whatever sounds fun” like a chill, laid back person and not the neurotic, overly-controlling freaks Riku is used to gravitating towards. And it’s not even because he’s acting so calm about it, either, because any normal person wouldn’t be!
Unfortunately the thing that makes this terrifying is that Sion is just as handsome and cool and nice as he was over the phone. And again, handsome. And again, nice. And good-looking. And hot and very beautiful and also sexy. Plus he’s really nice.
Riku is kind of scared of him, actually.
“Um, we can do whatever,” Riku thumbs at the straps of his backpack in lieu of any kind of real response to Sion asking if he has an activity preference, and suddenly Riku feels much younger than he is. He’s not sure if that’s because of the age difference or what - when comparing them side to side, Sion isn’t even that much bigger than him. Just a few inches taller and wider at the shoulders. But something about him just feels so… enormous.
Riku’s looking away at nothing in the distance but he can still see Sion’s smile grow in his peripheral vision. “I didn’t think you’d be so shy in person, Riku-yah.” The way he says it is low and kind of mean and oh, god, the impolite speech is enough to make Riku’s knees feel wobbly.
(This guy has a really nice voice. Like he’s from one of those ASMR videos he listens to while eating dinner. Fucking hell.)
“I’m not shy,” Riku doesn’t pout, but it’s something close. “You’re just… um.”
He’s not sure how to word it. Sion is nice but he likes to tease a lot and Riku has no desire to inflate any ego he could get from hyung, you’re hot and looking at you in the eyes makes me blush because I want you to tell me I’m good while you stuff your cock down my throat. No, not that. Please. Riku’s broken his own heart more than enough times from being overeager with literally everyone, he doesn’t need to do it again with someone who is actually well-meaning.
“It’s okay,” Sion’s voice is still kind but there’s something a little mischievous in it. “I won’t tease.”
Riku squirms. “But you always tease me.” That’s not even true but he still says it anyway.
But Sion's laugh makes something warm roll over in his belly. One arm slings around Riku’s neck and drags him in close, tugs him along as Sion guides them towards the subway entrance across the station concourse.
“Okay, hyung will play nice,” Sion promises. “I won’t tease you. Deal?”
Riku’s scared shitless that he’s never fallen for someone so easily. Sion’s hand is warm and big on his shoulder and squeezes him once, twice.
“Okay,” Riku mumbles. “If you say so.”
But as shy as he is, nothing about this is awkward, somehow - Sion is a good tour guide, which is a little shocking because there are times he can come off as painfully awkward over text, sometimes even slightly standoff-ish - but face to face he’s actually quite charming. And that is bad, actually. But even still Sion guides them down to the platform for line one with ease, chattering on and on about everything he can think of all the while, sometimes even interrupting himself in the process. Riku should feel off-put by it, Sion’s fidgeting and nonstop talking, but because he’s literally insane, he’s charmed. Of course he is.
That’s the first sign this isn’t just a normal “wow this guy’s super hot” delusion and it’s actually more like a “my life could be ruined if this man wanted it to be” level of crushing - usually a charming guy this much older than him would put Riku on the defensive. As is only natural, of course. But Sion’s already spent weeks worming his way under his (admittedly weak) armor and so it’s already too late for that.
Which is awesome. Like, really.
“I actually grew up in Mokpo, it’s more to the- the southwest, I guess.” Sion’s put more space between them as they wait on the platform but not much; it’s less than a foot. Tact doesn’t seem to be his strong suit. “It’s all farmland out there. My parents are dairy farmers.”
“Oh, I’m from the countryside too. In Japan. It’s called Fukui, it’s kinda small…” Riku scratches at his neck. “But it’s similar to Gwangju. It’s on the coast.”
Out of the corner of his eye, he can still see Sion’s smile. “So we’re both country boys, huh? That’s cute.”
That’s cute. He’s been saying that a lot these days, calling everything Riku does cute. At first he thought it was a little condescending but he’s starting to realize Sion’s like that about a lot of things. He’s easily fond, easily amused. Is that a good or bad thing? Is that something to be worried about?
“I guess we are,” Riku doesn’t mumble but it comes close because he’s just a little bit petulant, maybe, that Sion thinks he’s cute and not, like… sexy. Would Sion find him sexy?
He wants to stew on that - because that’s how he fixes his problems, spiraling and freaking the fuck out - but then Sion hits him with another question. The kind of question he hates being asked, too: “You said you came here for school, right? Where’d you go?”
Oh, god. Not this again.
“I was at Kyunghee,” Riku answers automatically but there’s the usual echo of shame of not knowing if he should bring up the fact that not only did he never graduate, but he also dropped out because he’s bipolar and occasionally insane enough to warrant hospital stays. So. Therein lies that feeling of inadequacy, maybe. But he’s used to that. He’s used to feeling very inadequate.
But:
“So you were just down the M line,” Sion smiles. “I went to SNU.”
Riku knows better than to be surprised by that information but Sion doesn’t really have the vibe of an SNU alumni. Or at least not in the way he’s used to. It’s not even because of the prestige, exactly, but he’s just…
Well. He’s a little too silly for that kind of stuff, right? Cramming for his CSATS? Or, god, was Sion was one of those valedictorian try-hard freaks everyone keeps their distance from at school? No way, right?
“Wow, you think it’s weird too,” Sion says when Riku takes just a second too long to reply. But then he laughs when Riku flounders. “No, it’s okay, I know! A lot of people are surprised! I went to the music school. I wasn’t really, like-” He breaks into laughter again, wiping a tear from his eyes. “Riku, you’re terrible at lying. Did you know that?”
Riku can’t help but sputter but it’s true anyway, isn’t it, because he knows his mouth is agape. “It’s not that-!” He tries insisting. “You made it sound like you’ve never been to Seoul before-!”
Sion just grins. “That’s because I was in college about fifteen years ago, Riku. When I was at SNU all the clubs you go to didn’t even exist.”
And, well. There’s nothing quite as sobering as remembering the twelve years Sion has on him, and so that shuts Riku up very quickly. Sion laughs a little as Riku hides his face in his hands. How embarrassing.
“I’m kidding,” Sion attempts to remedy as the train pulls up to the platform. “I’m not that old.”
“You’re not helping the ahjussi accusations,” is all Riku grumbles. But again, Sion pulls him in close by the shoulder and leads him onto the train. His hand is very warm, surprisingly firm for how gentle he comes across.
“That’s not nice, Riku-yah,” Sion chides in a low voice, close to his ear. “You seem to have an inclination for ahjussis.”
(Ugh. Sion is really good at leaving him speechless. It’s fucking annoying.)
They end up smushed together in a corner of the subway car. Riku’s back is to the wall and Sion’s standing in front of him, one hand steady on a support bar and the other hovering close to Riku’s shoulder as he keeps kind of just, like, vaguely smiling at him. You can see smile lines around his eyes like this. It makes him look even more handsome…
“Is this okay?” Sion asks him over the rattling of the train car. He’s probably referring to the fact that their position is giving less “platonic friends meeting for the first time” and more “shoujo-esque kabedon.” Oopsies.
“It’s fine,” Riku tells him, still feeling a little shy. But that’s because he loves a kabedon. If anything, this is a dream come true.
He doesn’t really look Sion in the eyes, his gaze fixed more on his jaw-neck-collarbone area, but if Riku looked up their lips would be inches away from each other. Or maybe a bit more than that - Sion is taller like this with Riku slumped back against the wall. Height differences aren’t usually his thing but it only makes Sion more attractive. Which is... it’s just terrible, isn’t it? The more he stands here and just looks at this beautiful man, the more terrible it gets. Riku needs a distraction. Preferably before he loses his mind.
“So you live in Gwangju for work…?” Riku attempts to reignite conversation after a few moments too long of staring at Sion’s chin, which to be fair, is very brave of him since his shyness permeates just about every aspect of his life. And also the proximity is making him feel overwhelmed. But Riku still asks anyway: “Do you still make music?”
“I’m a music producer,” Sion smiles. “I mostly make songs for idol groups. Or whoever wants me, honestly.” Sion scoots a bit closer to him as the train rattles - it’s platonic enough from the outside but now hyung’s towering the slightest bit over him, cornering him more against the wall. It’s not really intimidating because there are people pushed up against him from behind, but still…
(And Riku’s just now realizing that Sion’s got big biceps too, what the fuck, as his arm braces against the wall. Where was he hiding those things before?)
“You’re a music producer,” Riku blinks back, trying to ignore how close they are or at least not edge away. “You’re a music producer in Gwangju?”
Sion shrugs. Again, the train car rattles and he stumbles just a smidge closer and Sion acts like none of this is a very big deal at all. He must be the type who’s very touchy with his friends, maybe. But Sion’s face conveys nothing in particular, still smiling a little smile as he tells Riku honestly: “I like it here. Reminds me of home.”
Riku bites the inside of his cheek. “Well. I guess that makes sense.” There’s something jealous churning in his guts. Whether that’s because Sion’s essentially aced the career path Riku didn’t have the mental facilities to complete or because he’s done it so much better than Riku ever would’ve is something he’s unsure of. Riku’s not really the jealous type. Given how much being bipolar has taken from him, he’d be stupid if he was. Even in those times he can feel a manic episode creeping up on him, distant and achey like the beginning stages of a bad cold, he can’t bring himself to be jealous.
Like now, a familiar voice in his head says. Don’t you feel like you’re coming down with something?
Riku tells the voice to shut up, though that’s more on instinct, because that’s the moment it hits him that he’s really in Gwangju and standing only inches away from someone who is essentially just a stranger. This isn’t the dumbest thing Riku’s ever done, probably, but it’s up there. He hates how safe Sion feels. It’s very rare that he feels that way about someone even when he’s in the thick of a manic episode. How dumb is that?
So, suddenly feeling very exhausted, Riku closes his eyes with a sigh. He leans his head forward and rests it on Sion’s shoulder. The older man’s fidgeting comes to an abrupt halt. It quiets some of the chaos in his head almost immediately.
“Is making music fun?” Riku asks in a tired voice. He tries not to overthink any of it, his questions or the clinginess or- he just refuses to.
“...It is,” Sion says in a tone that’s just as quiet, barely audible over the loud subway car. “I think it is.”
Hm. Riku doesn’t have much else to ask. He knew Sion worked from home and it was something in the arts given the way he worded things - nothing about his workflow seemed very corporate, as he’d often be texting Riku in the middle of the workday and talking about how he’s been busy finding “inspiration” by watching documentaries. What a weirdo. A cute weirdo, sure, but a weirdo all the same.
But it’s just hard not to feel embarrassed about his own life in comparison, Riku’s two barista gigs juggled with his serving job at an upscale restaurant he absolutely hates in Cheongdam. It must be nice to live in the place you grew up, surrounded by familiar foods and dialects and accents and…
Wait. Hold on.
“Do you speak in satoori?” Riku straightens up to look at Sion. It’s the first time they’ve made eye contact thus far. Sion looks a little bewildered. He blinks.
“...What?” He asks. “Satoori?”
“Do you ever speak in satoori?” Riku repeats, pressing in closer. “I’ve never heard someone speak with a Jeolla-do dialect.”
And, hey, maybe that’s a slightly offensive assumption to make but the more Riku thinks about it, the more curious he gets. It’s just rare he meets someone his age or older from the countryside - usually the transplants are from abroad or much, much younger than him and Riku doesn’t have much interest in grilling college kids at the gay club about their dialects of all things. And they just tend to make satoori sound like a big deal when you’re a foreigner in Korea anyway. Back in college, there was a noona who told him asking about satoori when flirting with someone outside the capital region had nearly a 100% success rate.
So.
“Um,” Sion looks around at the other train goers who, of course, aren’t paying them any mind at all. His ears are red. That’s funny. Riku has yet to see him blush. “You want me to do it here?”
But that makes Riku take a second to process what he’s asking for and he, too, realizes they’re in the middle of public on a Saturday afternoon and dialect speak is actually less exciting flirting-wise when the guy you’re interested in gets so fidgety just from a little teasing. And also, like, trains are loud.
(Plus they’re not in a very sexy location either…)
Riku backs off but only slightly - he squishes his cheek into Sion’s shoulder and pouts just a tiny, tiny bit. “I didn’t mean here,” he says. Even though yeah, he kinda did. The train jolts and Sion’s fingers brush up against his as he steadies himself with a hand on Riku’s waist. So now he’s blushing even more.
Ugh. It’s cute of him. Why is Sion so cute when they’re face to face? It’s annoying. Riku has to tell himself not to coo about it, turning his face away from Sion’s and into the sleeve of his jacket. To call a thirty-nine year-old cute is probably stupid anyway. Even if it’s maybe true, okay, he can admit that much.
“...Later, then,” Sion offers. His voice isn’t low like it was before but he doesn’t really sound embarrassed anymore. “You want me to…?”
“Talk dirty to me in satoori, yeah,” Riku says in a flat voice. He laughs when the subway hits a sharp jolt and Sion sputters, stumbling backwards into a very scared-looking tourist who bows at a perfect ninety degree angle and starts stammering in broken Korea. Which is deserved.
“Riku!” Sion scolds before turning to the foreigner and saying in surprisingly well-spoken English: “It’s alright, sir, don’t worry about it…”
“I didn’t do anything,” Riku insists with a smile even as Sion straightens both him and the tourist right up and closes back in on him, his ears burning red again. “It’s not my fault you can’t even-”
Except he cuts himself off, suddenly finding it very hard to tease, when Sion comes in much closer this time and pulls Riku into his side until his head is back in the crook of his neck. And, um. Okay. Riku doesn’t normally enjoy being manhandled outside the bedroom but the train car is so crowded there’s little choice and Sion is…
He’s surprisingly strong. And firm. He snakes an arm around Riku’s waist and holds him right there, giving him no room to budge.
“You’re a troublemaker,” Sion accuses in a low voice. His other hand is tight on the support bar, steadying the both of them. It should be embarrassing to be pressed up together like this in public but the train’s so crowded no one is even looking at them and Riku is having a very hard time coming up with a reason not to indulge.
“I’m not.” Riku buries his face in Sion’s shoulder and tries not to blush. But it’s much too late for that now.
And, well. So much for teaching this asshole a lesson, huh?
They get off at the ACC station. Sion guides him out from the concourse onto the street. Frigid January air bites at them, and so Riku buries his hands into his pockets. Brr. There’s the ACC building where they have shows, another culture museum, some memorials… Sion knows all of it by heart but Riku’s starting to get the vibe that most people outside of Seoul are like that about their hometowns.
“That’s the Democracy Square. I dunno if you’ve heard about the Gwangju Uprising…” Sion points out as they walk down the street. The way his voice trails off indicates that this so-called Uprising he’s speaking of wasn’t a happy one. So.
“Uh. Not really.” Riku wrings his hands together. “Sorry. Is that something I should know?”
Sion’s face usually has an expression of neutral pleasantry and there is a certain look that crosses over his eyes. He doesn’t seem upset. It’s a look Riku is used to, being Japanese in this country, sometimes learning about things he realizes he really, really should’ve already known about.
“I guess not. It’s kind of sad. There was a coup and a bunch of college kids were… it’s not pretty.” Sion sends him a sideways look. “Don’t worry, Korean history is a bummer anyway.”
Riku squirms even though he knows it’s a joke. “That’s not what I meant.”
But that makes Sion chuckle a little and concede. “Yeah, I know. I was being mean, sorry. But it’s worth learning about if you’re gonna live here ‘cause we’ve got this habit of staging coups and enacting martial law and having to overthrow our government.” He shrugs. “Is Japan exciting like that?”
“Um.” Riku thinks about equally corrupt governments, incel culture… God. How awesome. He lands on a very ambivalent: “I don’t think I’d call it exciting.”
“Mm. Yeah.” Sion nudges him a bit in the side with an apologetic smile. “Okay, sorry, let’s talk about something else. I don’t want you to think I’m lame.”
Riku’s not exactly sure if Sion has a plan for them in mind or not - he seemed pretty flexible over Riku having no preferences, which is hopefully a good thing - but he leads them down a few streets while pointing out a shop here or there. Sion seems to know every single cafe in this city if the ranking he rattles off the top of his head is anything to go by. But eventually they take a right turn onto a main street and Sion points out another sign.
“This area’s called Art Street. They turn it into a market on Saturdays. Wanna check it out?” Sion sends him a more shy smile this time. “Or we could go get food instead…?”
Riku blinks at the arched sign over the entrance of the street, “Art Market, Ant Market” written in funky Hangul. Down the road are small stands of various goods, a lot of art vendors. He’s a little surprised. It’s been a while since he’s gotten to indulge in just looking around and browsing markets in his free time when he’s always busy working his shitty jobs…
“No, this looks like fun,” he’s quick to reassure when Sion’s eyebrows furrow the tiniest bit. Riku curls a hand over Sion’s bicep and squeezes. They can’t exactly hold hands here, but- this is just-
“Does it?” Sion relaxes considerably, leaning into the touch. “Sorry, Riku, there really aren’t a lot of things to do around here. But you seemed so excited to come into town, so…”
Yeah, this is really bad. Normally Riku wouldn’t (or shouldn’t) be touched by something like this. You know, a man being all… what would you call this? Coy? Insecure? But a bit of guilt tugs on Riku’s heartstrings at the reminder he just kind of sprang this trip on Sion at the last minute. Why the hell is he being so accommodating anyway? They’ve only known each other for two weeks, right?
“Well I mostly came here to see you,” Riku says before he can stop himself. And then his cheeks go red but it’s not like he was lying about that, was he. He couldn’t care less about Gwangju if it weren’t for Sion.
But that makes Sion’s eyes widen just a bit. It’s funny that he’s so surprised - Riku’s always been pretty forward about the attraction, right? He could’ve sworn he was.
“Oh,” Sion says. “Oh, yeah, I guess that’s…” He looks away, ears red. “I guess that’s true.”
Riku’s a little intrigued by that reaction. He presses in closer. “Hyung?” He asks, voice low. “I just want to spend time with you, you know. That’s why I’ve been tormenting you for weeks…” He’s not usually so forthright about those things but Sion is apparently his one exception to that. So.
But Sion stiffens a little and even from his profile you can see the way he blinks, hard. “You don’t torment me.” His voice is gruff but not mean, just kind of firm. But he’s still not making eye contact.
Hmm. This is rather kuudere of him, if Riku had to choose an archetype. Which is intriguing. For an older guy Sion is a little hyperactive but apparently he has a stubborn side to him, too, because he doesn’t budge when Riku pulls on his arm.
“Now you’re being lame,” he teases. “I thought you had a whole art market to show me.”
It’s a bad attempt at goading him into it, he knows, because Sion isn’t the type of person who can be easily pressured into things. He gives into Riku’s pestering, sure, but that’s usually over inconsequential things. Like rating his espresso art or recommending what to wear to work.
But to Riku’s mild surprise, Sion relaxes when Riku’s hand slides down his wrist and he brushes a thumb over his knuckles. No, he’s still not looking at him, but he squeezes Riku’s hand just once before letting go and putting a good foot between them. Sion smiles.
“I do. Shall we go check it out?” He’s tall and long and handsome like this, his breath coming out in puffs. Riku wants to kiss him even as Sion’s grin goes crooked.
It’s funny. Riku’s not usually touchy right off the bat but now he wants to feel Sion’s hand in his again, the weight of it. He compromises by closing that distance again, latching onto Sion’s shoulder. “Let’s go.”
Sion laughs but he lets him. How cute.
Is it weird that things aren’t awkward after that? Because no, it still just feels as natural as ever, the proximity and the banter. But it feels like… it feels like there’s something between them. Something charged. Electric, even. And maybe that’s obvious, sure, but Sion always seems so indifferent about the hints Riku drops that it’s hard to figure out just what his hyung’s goal is here.
Hm.
Is he really just interested in friendship? In friends with benefits? Or is he just interested in dates? Sion is nothing like the stoic, cold, emotionally detached older men Riku typically goes out with - does that mean he’s only looking for romance? Or does that mean the exact opposite? Riku’s probably not the best boyfriend out on the market but if Sion liked him enough then perhaps he could still-
And okay, maybe Riku’s so stuck in his head that he nearly walks face-first into a streetlamp. And maybe Sion grabbing him by the arm is the only thing that stops him from smacking right into a pole. Just maybe.
“Wow, you’re really clumsy,” Sion says with a small laugh. But then he tilts his head down to look Riku right in the eyes. “Am I that boring, hm? You’re not even listening to me.”
“It’s not that,” Riku says automatically, embarrassed, even though he absolutely wasn’t listening at all. He’s not normally clumsy either, which is extra embarrassing because somehow just being around Sion has turned him into some kind of fool. “I just get distracted every now and again…”
Sion doesn’t let go of him this time even though they’re in broad daylight and in the middle of a busy street to boot. He holds Riku by the wrist and pulls. “I’m gonna have to put a leash on you,” Sion mumbles to himself, grip firm so that Riku has no chance of escaping again. “Running into poles, seriously…”
Riku has to consciously clamp his mouth shut to not jump at the idea, like yes, please, hyung, you should get me a collar right now. No, he’s not gonna say that. But it does speak to a few proclivities he has. Maybe.
So all he can do is blush and be pulled along as Sion looks back at him with a raised eyebrow. “Is this okay?”
“Yeah,” Riku says. And god, he means it.
They have a fun time, though, and it’s all very low key considering the chaos Riku’s used to in Seoul. They wander from vendor to vendor together, looking around much more than they shop, though Sion buys a pair of handmade bowls that he says “will look nice against my kitchen backsplash” because he actually is a fucking ahjussi. There’s a stall that sells traditional-style woodblock prints of cats. Riku spends a little too long staring at them. Daeyoung would like this kind of thing, wouldn’t he…
“Are you gonna get one?” Sion leans in and asks quietly. He’s so gentle that it’s a little startling, which is a stark contrast to the way a hand comes to rest on the small of Riku’s back; firm. Like it belongs there. Wow.
But:
“Uh…” Riku’s too busy thinking about the number in his bank account - and how pathetic it is - because he didn’t get his friends a wedding gift yet. It was something they insisted on, given that he can barely pay his bills as is, but Riku still feels a little ashamed about it. Of course. That’s kind of his whole thing at this point, right? Being ashamed; being afraid. And also being poor, he supposes.
But when Riku doesn’t elaborate, Sion presses in a little closer. “Riku?”
“Sorry. It just reminded me of one of my friends, and he just got married, so I was…” Riku stands up from where he was crouched down to look at some of the smaller prints and scratches at his coat sleeve, suddenly feeling oddly vulnerable. “But I think wedding gifts are usually supposed to be more significant than that, right? Like tableware…?”
Sion shrugs, straightening up too. “I think it depends on your friend. You think he’d like it?”
Riku nods but then he thinks about his very meager savings and deflates a little. “Yeah, but I think I’ll get him a towel set or something. It’s kinda…” He really doesn’t know how to word this when Sion already knows he has three jobs and is still struggling to make ends meet.
But Sion only raises an eyebrow. Of course he does. Because god forbid he just let things be. “What is it?”
Yeah, he’s really so… it sucks just how well-meaning he is.
Riku can’t help but deflate. It’s one thing to be twenty-seven and still toeing the line of oh-my-god-how-am-I-making-rent-this-month but it’s another thing when you’re also a college dropout and constantly living in fear that your mania will lose you opportunities before you even have them. Riku’s been living like that for several years now, barely clinging on, swinging between the highs of delusion and the lows of the depression that always follows. He’s used it. It’s… honestly, it’s fine when he’s doing well. Because when he does well and there are no medical bills he needs to take out loans for, he really isn’t in the position to be complaining.
However.
Sion is a music producer for idol groups and he’s twelve years older and he has so much money that he can coordinate his belt buckles with his watches by color. He’s got his shit together and he’s so nice and if Riku told him he was too poor to afford even just an art print, Sion would open his wallet immediately. There’s no doubt about that. He has more than enough money to worry about handouts, and Riku is someone who always has to be checked on and asking for said handouts, and he’s so tired of being pitied. For being broke, for being bipolar, for being a slave to his own misery. All of it. It makes him exhausted.
But Riku can’t tell Sion any of that. Not yet, preferably not ever. So he bites on his bottom lip and shrugs and tries to come off as nonchalant even though he absolutely doesn’t. “It’s just a bit pricey. I guess. Though art should always- I should save for more p-practical things…”
And then, because Riku is an idiot, he turns and stalks off in the opposite direction like the petulant little mentally ill freak he is. It’s half out of shame and half out of… he’s not sure what that feeling is, but it isn’t a nice one. God, he’s such a loser and Sion’s the first guy who’s been so nice to him and it’s freaking him out. Fuck!
“Riku,” Sion catches up to him in no time. “I could-”
“You already paid for my train ticket,” Riku says, a little bitter, but still trying not to sound too upset even though it’s much too late for that now. But he likes the way Sion reaches for his hand, he can admit that much. The way he squeezes. Not too hard, not too soft, but just right.
Sion doesn’t seem mad, at least, which is good, because Riku is very aware he’s only a few degrees off from throwing a tantrum. It’s a terrible look for their first day seeing each other, that’s for sure. But it’s just hard not to get upset about these kinds of things when he’s been spending the past decade of his life chronically playing catch-up with his peers and desperately trying to stop himself from ruining what little he has.
So no wonder he only ends up with losers instead of guys like Sion. Riku isn’t exactly stable, long-term boyfriend material, is he?
Except:
“No, you’re right,” Sion’s tone is calm, nonplussed and even. “I’m sorry, that was presumptuous. Of course I won’t push you on… on that kind of thing. You know? But I just want to offer.” He squeezes Riku’s hand again. “Really, it’s just an offer. I don’t mean anything by it.”
It’s not out of expectation, is what he means, probably. So Sion is aware that Riku at least wants him. Though to what extent, he’s still not sure. How annoying.
But even still, Riku’s shoulders untense as he slows to a stop, relief seeping out of his bones. It’s hard to fight it. Even though they’ve only known each other for two weeks, Sion is painfully genuine about these things and even Riku can admit that much. Ever since the first time they talked and they scheduled that date, actually, Sion’s been clear he doesn’t have expectations for anything. So it’s hard to be upset at the vast differences in their lifestyles when he’s so nice. Rich people aren’t supposed to be nice, right? Doesn’t that speak to an underlying intention? One that Sion clearly doesn’t have?
“I know you didn’t mean anything by it,” Riku says with a sigh. His and Sion’s hands, fingers still interlaced, drop to his side as he looks down at the ground. Riku’s ashamed of his own immaturity now. So much for coming off as well-adjusted, huh? He sounds skittish even when he explains lamely: “...Sorry. Money’s a touchy subject...”
“No, it’s alright,” Sion reassures him. Now they’re at the end of the street and it’s connecting back to the ACC area - they’re stood under a street lamp. In the shadows of January the sun is already low in the sky. It’s getting colder the darker it gets. Sion lets go of his hand only to run it down the lapel of Riku’s jacket, and then he smiles. “Are you cold?”
The question shouldn’t be surprising but somehow it catches Riku off guard, just a bit, because he’s actually very cold. He doesn’t own a pair of gloves and he was kind of hoping Sion wouldn’t notice that he’s firmly been keeping his hands in his pockets for the last several hours except for those times he let himself be dragged along. But even then, still feeling mildly embarrassed from his outburst, Riku mumbles: “I’m not.”
But Sion’s smile widens. “Don’t lie, I know you are. Can I treat you to dinner and warm you up?”
It’s dumb. Tentatively, Riku looks up to meet Sion’s eyes. He’s not sure why he does. Maybe he wants some kind of proof of his sincerity. But Sion is still smiling and his hands are resting on Riku’s waist and they fit there like that’s where they belong. Riku moves a half-step closer. He takes his hands out from his pockets and tugs on Sion’s jacket collar.
He’s not usually so brave about these things. Or at least not outside of episodes. Riku isn’t someone who can be considered well-adjusted or level-headed or even reasonable, not with this worm in his brain haunting him. So he has acclimated to that by never going for guys who are too good for him. You know, guys like Sion. But for some reason he wants to be brave right now. Isn’t that weird? For some reason, he wants Sion and he wants to know if he is finally allowed to have one good thing. Just one thing. Something he will try as hard as he can to not fuck up like he fucks up everything else.
Am I allowed to even ask, his brain thinks and thinks and thinks. Is someone like me allowed to- can I really- can this be the thing I finally don’t ruin or will I- He has to cut himself off. He has to breathe in; out.
It’s just Sion from his phone, the older guy who thinks he’s cute and clumsy. It’s only him and his Sion hyung standing here, so close they could kiss, hiding together in the shadows of Gwangju. What’s there to be scared about now?
“Hyung,” Riku says slowly. “Do you remember that you still owe me a date?” He leans up on his tiptoes a little so they’re at eye level, every movement slow and trepid and soft. “Is this a date?”
Riku can see him swallow but Sion doesn’t look away, his gaze piercing. “If you want it to be, sure,” Sion says, voice still even-toned. A non-answer from anyone else would make Riku annoyed but with Sion he’s just… slightly endeared, maybe.
So, again:
“Hyung,” Riku says again, voice lowering. They’re standing close enough to share each other’s breath as it puffs out into the frigid air. He pushes in just a smidge closer, millimeter by millimeter. Riku presses at him again: “Sion hyung. Do you wanna take me on a date?”
Sion finally looks away when they’re essentially close enough to kiss, and as his head turns, Riku ends up nosing into his cheek. Which is honestly- well, that’s fine. It’s warm here. How does Sion run so warm even in the cold? There’s a few beats that pass. Riku would be worried about the silence if it weren’t for Sion’s hand still on his waist, still holding him close.
Riku bites his lip. Am I allowed to- will he- am I still always asking for too much or will Sion be the one to- does he realize how bad I am or can he- can I- fuck, Riku, just breathe.
“Hyung.” His voice is a whisper this time. Does it sound desperate as he feels? “Hyung, do you…”
“...I do.” Sion’s voice is a little gruff as he finally speaks, and then he turns back to Riku, and now they’re nose to nose again. Something in his eyes has hardened. “I want to take you on a date.”
It doesn’t come as a surprise, not really, considering all the subtext, but Riku is still a little- hearing it out loud is different from having an inkling. He blinks, once, but then Sion’s gaze only hardens even more. So then Riku grins.
He knows his voice sounds delighted and the mental flip surprises even him. “You do?”
“Yes.” Sion frowns. “Obviously.”
And wow, even a frown looks handsome on him. Riku can’t help but tease. “Are you sure? Because you’re being really-”
“I’m very sure,” Sion says, tone almost scolding as his eyes narrow, which is even better. “Why are you being so-”
“But hyung,” Riku draws out the aegyo, now, because he’s on a roll and seeing Sion’s annoyance is actually kind of doing something for him when so far hyung’s only been nice to a fault, “I’ve spent so long trying to flirt with you and all you ever do is-”
It’s funny. This time Sion literally rolls his eyes and demands, in a voice that leaves no room for shenanigans: “Riku. Come here.”
“Hm?” Riku blinks, because that’s not what he was expecting in response to his teasing. He just- the banter’s fun between them, which is saying a lot. Most of the dates he goes on are exceedingly awkward conversation-wise. But before he can ask anything else, Sion’s hands are cupping his jaw and he’s getting pulled in closer and-
Oh, it’s a kiss. He’s getting kissed - just a peck. A tiny one. It lasts less than a second. But Sion’s cheeks are red when he pulls away and Riku’s cheeks must be red, too, and somehow this is… it’s so gentle. But Riku’s not sure if his heart’s ever beaten so fast before. Holy shit.
“I’ve wanted to do that since I first saw you,” Sion murmurs, still sounding firm. His breath comes out in big puffs of air, and they’re still standing so close together they may as well be sharing oxygen. Sion’s large, warm palms squeeze Riku’s cheeks between them. “You’re beautiful, Riku. And you make me feel kind of insane.”
Riku stares. He can’t help but think about how it’s rare a normal person indulges in him because he’s got a manic habit of coming on too strong, too fast, too ready to jump head-first into everything. But Sion is… he’s well-adjusted. Or at least he seems to be. But he likes him…? And Riku makes him feel insane…?
But usually he’s the insane one. What the fuck.
“Oh,” Riku says, all of it hitting him at once. He can feel how red his face is, how hot it is. He doesn’t even know what to say. People aren’t usually so… Sion is so gentle.
“Is that okay?” Sion asks in an equally quiet voice. “Or did I-”
Oh, god, yeah. Yeah, this man is going to ruin him.
Riku doesn’t let Sion finish talking. What he does is pull him back in by the collar into another kiss. This time it’s harder; a smidge more desperate. Riku isn’t desperate, not yet, but he’s unused to this very calm, very steady feeling and he feels like he needs to do something about it. So.
“Riku,” Sion groans. Not in the sexy way, not really, but there’s a hand on the back of his neck. “Riku, we’re in-” But Sion’s still kissing him back. “We’re in public-”
“Sorry,” Riku pulls away just as fast as he pushed in because the reminder is like a zap down his spine. Sometimes he just- he gets too passionate. That’s what Daeyoung says. You always see the good in people before anything else. That’s what his therapist thinks, which is probably true but is also just a very nice way to call him delusional.
“No, it’s- it’s okay.” Sion sounds a little dazed but he has a dumb smile on his face and he looks around once, twice, before kissing him just once more. And then he pulls away, fully this time, laughing. “See, your lips are cold.”
“Did you do that just to prove me wrong,” Riku tries to sound grouchy but it comes out a little starstruck. Sion’s still holding him by the jaw with one hand, the other one on his nape. The second hand squeezes. Riku has to fight the urge to melt into his touch.
“No,” Sion smiles. He sounds fond, his thumb running across Riku’s baby hairs. “You’re just cute, you know. You’re very handsome.” Sion leans in a bit closer once again. “You really wanna go on a date with me?”
The way he says with me is shockingly insecure but Riku’s starting to get the feeling that Sion really isn’t as confident in himself as he comes across. It’s surprising. Oh Sion has the air of a man who is settled into his skin, into his bones, into his clothes. He walks with a straight back. He’s fidgety, sure, but he doesn’t seem uncertain when he talks. It’s curious. It’s a little sad, even.
So:
“I do,” Riku says. Sion’s hand squeezes his nape and so he drops his head down, right into that crook of Sion hyung’s neck he’s already familiar with, right where it’s warm. His voice is a little meek. “Hyung. I like you a lot.”
Pressed up together like this, he can feel Sion’s adam’s apple bob as he swallows. His grip tightens a smidge more. Lips press into his hair.
“I’m really gonna have to blow you away, then,” Sion says. And it sounds a lot like a promise.